PREVIOUS: Level 4

 SITE: “Hierarchy or DOG Needs“

“Birth, life, achievement”
⬅ by DMT

Maslow’s Original PYRAMID (cont.)
Level 4. ESTEEM

Level 5. SELF-ACTUALIZATION
As mentioned in the Intro – Maslow & others have added more levels. In later years Maslow criticized his early version, saying that people can go beyond self-actualization by devoting themselves to higher pursuits outside themselves, such as altruism & spirituality (More later).
Supposedly level 5 can only be reached if all the others are satisfied AND mastered, which may be generally true, but as pointed out in Level 1, it’s not always a straight line, and for many highly driven creatives the Pyramid is revered.

However, in the original Pyramid, the last phase was identified as the Need to “be all that one is able to become”. The term self-actualization was first used by German psychiatrist & neurologist, Kurt Goldstein (1878 – 1965) to explain this human drive. The focus is on fulfilling ones potential, by being self-aware, pursuing mental & emotional growth, & acting on ones talents – determined by internal factors rather than external rewards

This stage is driven by creativity, spontaneous actions & morality. Issues / problems can often be resolved without pressure or violence, & reality is usually experienced thru the lens of a positive mind-set, without too many judgments

People who strive for these goals are not satisfied with their personal ‘status quo’, want to giving back to society, can sometimes have peak experiences, & are often supported by their social environment, yet are less concerned with the opinions of others

Maslow quotes: • “What a man can be, he must be.”
• Self-actualization is an ongoing process of fully exploiting ones talents & capabilities – using abilities & intelligence to do well the thing that one wants to do (Farther Reaches of Human Nature)

• It is desirable to make these goals conscious because they are the ideal aspirations of the individual, but they’re also the upper limit of possibilities which humans approach but practically never attain (1963)

Self-actualization is not something a person either has or does not have. Instead, it’s a never-ending process of working toward one’s potential – a way of continually living, working & relating to the world, rather than identifying oneself with a single accomplishment.
Great talent or intelligence is not the same as self-actualization. Many gifted people fail to use their abilities fully, while others, perhaps not so brilliant, accomplish a great deal.

Of course, not everyone has the same goals or dreams, so self-fulfillment is subjectively defined by ourselves, from being the best musician in the world, to being the best parent on the planet. One person may feel self-actualized because of their very important job at the UN, while another can achieve it from teaching children in a small town – so we don’t have to become famous to feel fulfilled. Whatever the goal, it’s the desire to make the most of life – the ultimate achievement in our own eyes.

The Pyramid is used in many different arenas of life, such as the pyramid of Trust, Family Practice…. see below. Also, updated Maslow – 2.0

CHILDREN: While their needs may seem simplistic compared to adults, when family & community can provided them well, they become the foundation for a good & productive life (More….)

SALES :  There is no one product that will satisfy everyone’s total identity – ie. all 5 levels (usually 🤪 one’s whole life isn’t built around owning the hottest sneaker, car, fashion….). So, what Marketers try to do is offer brands that appeal to people’s Level 5 aspirations, suggesting those products will (ideally) help consumers achieved them (More….)

Exp: Nike ads tailor slogans as sources of inspiration, & so connect with their audience, making them so successful: “It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish” , “Just do it” ….

ATHLETICS: Reaching the winners circle in any field requires hard work & perseverance, which includes having many positive qualities. Coach Wooden spent his career fostering greatness. His believed that to fully achieve success someone must first develop the building blocks of determination: 

NEXT: Level 5b 

PREVIOUS: Level 3

 SITE:  20 Ways to Increase Self-esteem

** How to Build Self-esteem in a Child

Maslow’s Original PYRAMID Version (cont)
Level 3. LOVE & BELONGING

Level 4. ESTEEM
Together, the Social & Esteem levels (3 & 4) make up the psychological aspects of the hierarchy – the ego needs. To achieve them, one has to accept who they are, as much as possible, which young people have not yet fully discovered.

This level deals with more complex aspects of life. Regardless of background, humans have the need for personal adequacy & achievement, competence & mastery, for independence & freedom, self-respect & self-worth, with confidence & strength to face of the world.
Maslow divided this level into:

1. Higher version / Self-esteem
All of us want to be more than just a featureless face in the crowd – to be known & appreciated as a unique, respected person. Maslow understood that having an Authentic Self allows people to satisfy esteem needs by appropriate external avenues, & by internal acceptance of our cognitive abilities, emotions & practical skills.

This insures that any respect gained will be legitimate – rather than from illusions produced by an idealized false self – respect which helps us feel confident & competent in dealing with others.

Maslow indicated that children & adolescents greatly need respect & a positive reputation, which precede real dignity & self-esteem.
Because self-esteem is so crucial for personal growth, a lack of it leads to discouragement, helplessness, weakness, depression, suicidal thoughts…… (More….)
Survivors of neglectful & abusive childhoods – such as continually being shamed – endlessly search for specialness & praise they never got. Yet the WIC will discount them when offered (“I really don’t deserve it”).

Reviewing studies of severe psychological disorders, & looking at the work of such people as Erich Fromm on Love & the stress of being untrue to one’s own nature, Carl Rogers on the Psychology of the Self, essays by Ayn Rand, theologians on pride & hubris.… remind us of the extreme importance of providing self-esteem needs, so we can feel necessary & useful in our life.

2. Lower version / Recognition – the need for the esteem of others – the universal desire for prestige. It includes status & a good reputation, dignity & importance, attention, recognition & appreciation, fame & glory, dominance &/or position in society or what is achieved in ones social circle. 

Externally, here people are striving to be involved with others rather than standing out as individuals. It’s about becoming invested in family or partnerships, where cooperation & trust are much more important than self-needs. It also goes beyond just having social relationships – it’s wanting to make contributions at home, at work & in society, and getting credit for them.

These needs were neglected by Freud, but have been stressed by more modern thinkers such as Alfred Adler & his followers, with increasing appreciation of their very real importance found among current psychoanalysts & clinical psychologists. Learning how to work well with others & setting appropriate boundaries are crucial to balancing self-esteem with getting esteem from others.

Negatively – At one extreme some people’s hunger for Importance or Domination make them over-focus on family & group needs at the cost of their own, creating distress for themselves & difficulty for others when they explode or burn out.
At the other extreme some ambitious types driven by low self-esteem become obsessed with needing Respect from everyone, or on Recognition thru money, fame, power, glory…..

And – unfortunately for the underprivileged or otherwise limited (psychologically or physically), our society harshly judges everyone on achievements (“What have you done lately? / How much money do you make?….”) without considering that many of such people’s Levels 1-3 needs are unmet, making it hard to develop their potential

Positively, It’s easier to provide these requirements by having a framework for recognizing & organizing them. Some avenues to fulfillment —
PERSONAL : head of household, pride in ones children
WORK: Job title & compensation, acknowledgement of accomplishments
FUN : sports, hobbies
SOCIAL : professional, academic & religious activities

Learning about Maslow’s levels makes it possible to understand & accept shortcomings in ourselves & others when seen as need-limitations rather than being bad or lazy. It especially helps us appreciate what we already have, & identify what we may lack so those needs can be worked on.

NEXT: Level 5

PREVIOUS: Maslow Level 2

Maslow’s Original PYRAMID  (cont)
Level 1. PHYSICAL
Level 2. SAFETY
Level 3. LOVE & BELONGING
Affiliation: This level is motivated by the human need to be accepted & belong. We are social beings, with the emotional desire to avoiding loneliness, depression & anxiety. We’re want to communicate with others & get positive responses, as a validation for our efforts to reach outside of ourselves. This requires an amount of mastery over levels 1 & 2, to have some control over getting these psychological needs met.

NEEDS
✦ admiration, acceptance, respect, trust
✦ companionship, affection, love, sexual & emotional intimacy
✦ extended family, friendship & other fulfilling relationships
• career satisfaction, work recognition & appreciation, belonging

ACTIONS: to marry, have our own family, talk to friends & strangers, be a part of communities & groups – professional, religious, fraternities, gangs, clubs, sports….. – & to contribute to society.

Providing social needs advances our tribal nature. Pamela Rutledge wrote that none of Levels 1-4 needs can be met without social connection & collaboration, without which there is no ‘continuing’ of the group. In the distant past small bands of humans could not have been able to build a secure structure, defeat a woolly mammoth, or care for children while hunting – without a team effort.

It’s even more true now. Our reliance on each other grows as societies have become more complex & specialized. Connection is a prerequisite for physical & emotional survival. (Social Networks: What Maslow Misses)

However – traditional social structures & support systems are rare in our modern society, making it very difficult to form & sustain long-term relationships. We’ve ignored or forgotten the importance to our well-being of safe & – encompassing, enjoyable, enlivening, encouraging – neighborhoods. The sexual revolution, increased mobility, unemployment & the breakdown of the family have left many feeling disconnected & unfulfilled.

Maslow said that unmet needs at Level 3 are the primary cause for mental disorders. “We have largely forgotten our deep animal tendencies to herd, to flock, to join, to belong.” These needs suggest why consumers gravitate to such events as Jimmy Buffett’s Parrotheads, or choose brands like the Harley H.O.G, which encourage a sense of connection & belonging.

Truly healthy family are a treasure – but rare. In 2016 an analysis of Maslow’s Level 3 revealed that most people have a great deal of generalized anxiety.
We see being part of a community (even an unhealthy one) as protection, so are deeply afraid of being rejected by whatever group is important to them. Unfortunately, fear-based stuckness – in unhealthy family, religious, work… environments – leads to a psychological dead-end street, preventing or slowing personal & social growth.

RESPONSES:  One way to foster connections & community is to teach young people social & emotional skills which will contribute to improved academic achievement, & later to participating more easily in whatever social settings they choose.
Todd Helmus in Science Daily wrote that (social visionaries) “contend that we need a ‘whole-child’ approach to education that aims to nurture the full range of skills & capacities that will help children of today become healthy, competent future adults……”

An evidence-based social & emotional learning (SEL) curriculum was given in inner city schools to children in grades 3-6. Many participating students showed improvement in reading, writing & math – on independently administered state mastery tests given in later grades (compared to students who had been in control groups). (PATHS: Promoting Alternative THinking Strategies) 

✦ An obvious response to our emotionally & physically shattered communal life – is the global passion for social media. The need for connection is so strong that we spend (too?) much of our time glued to tablets & iPhones. The irony is that the machine has displaced face-to-face interactions, but apps like Skype & WhatApp help

✦ At the same time – long-standing in-person groups such as all 12-Step Programs (AA, OA, GA, DA… & their companion groups Al-Anon,  O-anon, Gam-anon…..) have been highly successful both for their healing power & for emotions/social connectedness. Now, phone meetings are also available

✦ MeetUp, started in NYC, is another successful in-person organization providing small group participation around hundreds of topics for like-minded adults (psychology, networking, dating, arts, food, sports…..)

✦ Active synagogues, churches & mosques, as well as non-traditional spiritual or healing groups also fill the gap

NEXT: Maslow Level 4

PREVIOUS: Level 1 needs

TRADITIONAL VERSION (cont)
Level 1. PHYSICAL Needs

Level 2. SAFETY
Security – physical & psychological needs which can never be ‘perfectly’ satisfied.
People constantly try to predict the future to help decide what to do next, or over the long term. If we predict the likelihood of coming to some harm, we’ll feel unsafe. The greater the potential danger – the greater the fear.
So Security Needs have to do with people’s yearning for a predictable & orderly world where their sense of unfairness & inconsistency are under control, the familiar frequent & the unfamiliar rare. This can translate into a desire for order, health & peace.

This level definitely applies to children, who are very vulnerable, & so have a legitimate need for security. When that’s not available, they can develop anxiety, & the drive to feel safe becomes a life-long desperate pursuit.
In the absence of physical protection, as in war, natural disasters, domestic abuse or trauma…. people can develop PTSD & addictions, & then pass it on to following generations. EXP: fear of abandonment (FoA) leads to people-pleasing, avoidant attachment or isolation….

However, when this level is adequately provided for in childhood, adults don’t usually think about it much, except in times of personal threat or social turmoil. But since a true feeing of security is rare in the world, responsible adults do find various ways to cover important personal & family protection needs.

Safety – This is the feeling we get from knowing no harm will come to us, physically, mentally or emotionally – to live without stress and worry. Fulfilling these needs can makes us feel assured that even if big problems happen, we’ll still be OK. Safety factors can include —

• Physical: health care, safety nets against accidents, illness & their debilitating effects – such as car & health insurance, burglar alarms….
Also – better quality food, vitamins, medicine, household products….
& being free from physical & sexual abuse
• Personal : general well-being – housing / property, a stable life-style, safe neighborhoods

• Psychological : external protection from prejudice, bullying, taunting, teasing …. and internally – eliminating all forms of cruel self-talk, negative projections & victimhood
• Emotional : being free of verbal abuse, emotional blackmail, threats of abandonment, silence as punishment……

• Social: protection for one’s family, being part of a community, law-&-order-morality, protection from criminals….
• Work / financial: job opportunities & job stability (often chosen over job satisfaction), saving accounts, pension / retirement plans….
• Spiritual: a close connection with Higher Power, trusting in the safety of faith in an unsure world

COMMENTS from HCCUA    (re. healthcare costs )
“Adults require the same basic needs fulfilled – as children – before the next level becomes a priority. Many people spend their entire lives looking for employment & financial resources, without ever having the desire to express themselves artistically or be recognized by their peers for social contributions.”

So things like art lessons may not be the best choice if one is struggling with money issues, lack of employment or the possibility of losing one’s home. And it’s unlikely that imagination, social contributions, inventions or other achievement will be their priorities (#4 & 5)

✦ The Pyramid hierarchy does not negate being able to enjoy some things from higher levels unless we have all of the elements below it in place, only that a sense of fulfillment won’t occur until that happens.

If someone is constantly chasing esteem & respect, chances are they’re not very concerned with morality & truth (#5), only about their own situation & needs. They might have some interest in those qualities, but their sense of fulfillment will come when the previous levels are sufficiently met – if at all –  such as being respected & admired.

By noticing where each member of the family is on Maslow’s Pyramid, parents can more easily address the needs of their children, & mates can help each other move to a higher level of personal fulfillment. Likewise, couples have to feels safe with each other before they can move into true intimacy & sexual fulfillment (#3 & 4).

NEXT: Maslow Level 3

PREVIOUS: Maslow’s Pyramid (Intro #2)

Original PYRAMID
Maslow started with 5 levels, but later in life added 3 others (future posts)

Level 1. PHYSICAL Needs
a. Homeostasis : required biological compounds that maintain internal, biological balance, such as appropriate concentrations of salt, sugar & water in the blood. If any one of these is ‘off’, we have an urge to eat foods that bring these levels back into balance

b. Non-homeostatic : essential for survival of the organism, such as eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing, sex, environments that allow for a constant body temperature, good working options……
If any one is missing or deprived, it will immediately get the highest priority

Both categories are deeply rooted in biology. So if someone is stripped of material possessions & psychological identity (as in jail or in war), physical needs will be the main push behind all actions, with a constant search for places to provide them

All basic needs have to be continually replenished throughout life. 🤑 EXP : At a large bike rally held near a Wal-Mart, employees noticed that when temperatures went above 88º, beer sales went down & water sales went up.

EXP: FOOD Pyramid
USDA’s original pyramid is outdated & has been replaced by Dr. Walter Willett et al, at the Harvard School of Public Heath. It’s explained in Eat, Drink, and Be Healthy, which gives the scientific basis for each of the Healthy Eating Pyramid’s building blocks, based on the best science available. It’s considered the right balance of 50% carbs, 15% protein & 25% fats, which can prevent some diseases & prolong life. (ALSO…)

🍎  😴  🔥 😛
♦ EXCEPTIONS – In real life, Maslow’s hierarchy doesn’t always follow his fixed order : 1,
a. Physiological & Safety needs are of the body (Level 1 & 2).
• Levels often combine out of order, so when resources are scarce, it’s possible to compensate by getting a higher level Need met instead.
EXP: If there’s not enough food, or living conditions are unsafe, “Love/ Belonging can help a great deal (#3 over 1 & 2) – as in Dolly Parton’s childhood, memorialized in “Coat of Many Colors”

b. Love/acceptance & Esteem are needs of the ego (#3 & 4).
Although Self-esteem first comes from being loved unconditional, later – it comes from succeeding at activities that are hard but doable.
Also, Esteem can pair with Safety – to be able to take risks, to fail, to look foolish…. (2 & 3)
In general, people tend to deal with food & safety needs appropriately. Re. food – we move toward things that satisfy hunger, or when very scared, we run away or fight. (FFF)

However, contrary to Levels 1 & 2, combined Love & Esteem needs (#3 & 4) can drive actions that make things worse.
– Those who get love become more lovable. But not enough  love will make people jealous, possessive, or otherwise undesirable, leading to more deprivation
– Those who succeed become more successful. But trying & failing at too many things or at one thing too often, makes people fearful & dejected, which lowers their performance, further undermining self-confidence, eroding success

Another difference between points a. & b. (body vs ego) is that, as adults, we can meet Levels 1 & 2 needs more or less on our own, but we look to others for Love & Esteem (#3 & 4) – yet chasing people down for those needs drives them away

And in some cases a need might be completely absent: “Some people who have been deprived of love in early childhood (Belonging) may experience the permanent loss of love needs”, leading to withdrawal & severe isolation.

c. Basic needs can combine with Transcendent, Spiritual soul needs:
Once each year Muslims celebrate the Holy month of Ramadan (#8 – added version), when they don’t eat or drink anything from dawn to dusk (#1) while still having to be productive in their daily lives.

🔥 ACoAs – We think / feel that we’re starving for love & approval (#3) – & we are! – but sadly, we carry a deep injunction against being loved – as if wanting it is a character defect.
And our WIC is convinced we can’t love anyone. NOT true, but for us, Safety (2) is more important than Love (3). So, many of us are stuck at #2, because our family denied & distorted somethings from each level, leaving us terrified – in deprivation mode. Recovery is about providing as much of #1 & 2 as we can, in order to Heal & Grow.

NEXT: Level 2

PREVIOUS: Maslow – Part 1

MISUNDERSTOOD – At the time, some psychologists considered this hierarchy to challenge other models as either superior – to be feared, resented, or boot-licked, & admired, OR inferior – to be scorned, humiliated & dominated (Maslow, 1943a, p. 402).
But it was not his intention for it to supersede or be superior – it was mainly to be used as a logical framework to understand human motivation.

T.E.A.: The Pyramid of Needs does not refer to intelligence levels or talent. Instead, it’s about the never-ending process in life of making our potential a reality – living to the fullest, without the limitations & toxic thinking we grew up with. It’s about learning to trust our own judgment (T) & our inner feelings (E), & to act accordingly (A).

Maslow identified the first 4 levels – physical, security, social & esteem – as deficiency needs (DN), which have to do with deprivation – basic things that must be attended to or provided. Satisfying them avoids unpleasant feelings &/or consequences.
The higher one deal with growth needs – later called BEING-needs (BN), which is not about a lack of something, but a desire to improve oneself. He made happiness & self-fulfillment (Level 5 – & much later ‘Trancendence’) a central part of his life’s work – convinced that following our personal instincts leads to more accurate decisions about what’s truly right for us as individuals.

As one grow / mature further up thru the stages, each need becomes less about survival, & more about emotional issues. We have the opportunity to trust ourself….. to trust that we’re safe now, so we can step outside our self-limiting ‘protective’ shell.

Idealistically, at first he believed that we all want to move up thru the Levels toward self-actualization – the highest achievement – an expression of the True Self. Eventually he understood that not everyone is interested in or is willing to try. Also, knowing that progress is often disrupted by unforeseen circumstances out of our control, he realized very few are able to become fully self-actualized.

He also recognize that not everyone follows the same pattern in working their way up to the top. EXP: Someone may need self-esteem more than security….
While the pyramid levels may seem logical & straightforward, in practice moving up the ladder is a complex, life-long process. It’s rarely smooth, often thwarted by :
• getting stuck at the lower levels if the needs can’t be met for some reason, or because the person won’t risk moving up
• life’s unpredictable ups-&-downs can keep someone constantly fluctuating between level
•  society only rewards motivation based on social needs such as money and power-positions.

In relatively ‘normal’ families (healthier than ours), the first 4 levels help children develop the capacity to make good life choices. This went seriously off track for us, so we need to go back to the beginning – applying what we’ve learned as adults to correct distorted beliefs, replacing them with compassion & the right info – to take better care of ourself & more easily connect with others.

INFORMATION wanted at each level
• at #1 (physical) we want coping info, to meet basic needs. Anything that doesn’t directly relate to quickly providing survival & sustenance is simply ignored
• at #2 (safety) we need helping info, looking for ways that others can make us feel safe & secure
• at #3 (love & belonging) we want enlightening info, perhaps found in books, classes, therapy…. on relationship development
• at #4 (esteem) we look for empowering info – how our Self can be developed
• at #5 (Self-A), we want edifying info (cognitive, aesthetic & transcendent/spiritual) so we can connect to something beyond ourself, and to learn how we can help others.  (Norwood – 1999)

Since Maslow’s Pyramid (1940-50s), there have been many other ways to classify personality traits / dimensions : Enneagram, MBTI, the Big Five, D.I.S.C., Holland Code, Burton…..,  and C.P. Alderfer, who compressed Maslow into 3 categories (Existence, Relatedness, Growth).
Note differences between I vs E needs.  (CHART- combo)  ↓↑
«

«
NEXT: Level 1

PREVIOUS: Dealing with Difficult People

SITE: ‘Unmet Human Needs’

*** POST : “ACAs – Vicious Cycle re. Needs”

🔹 NEEDs  – A psychological feature that arouses any organism (humans….) to move toward a goal, giving purpose & direction to their behavior.

NEEDS are normal, made up of all the elements required for developing a safe, stable & healthy life. Having an accurate & sufficient amount of them fulfilled is imperative, since a deficiency will have severe consequences : dysfunction or premature death

Having needs can be said to be the ‘costs of being human’. People who don’t have enough of them met (a ‘needy’ person) function poorly in their personal life & in society. Feelings / emotions indicate whether or not our needs are being met & to what degree – so they’re neither good nor bad, right nor wrong – just very necessary 🙄

EXP: Sexuality is used everywhere in our culture to sell goods & services, by stirring a desire for things we may or may not need. This works because sex is one of our basic instinctual needs, so we react automatically, unconsciously.

🔹 WANTs – Desires, wishes or aspirations that are not vital – things that must be (should be) earned. This is not to say we shouldn’t have wants. The desire to have someone or something good is part instinctive & healthy, & part personal taste – something to strive for that adds pleasure to our life

🔹 DEMANDs –  People (even famous or powerful ones) can get into trouble when they demand to have their wants met – especially without contributing anything positive towards getting them. Being demanding is arrogant,  presumptuous…. but comes from neediness & an immature feeling of unfairness.

We had every right to expect that our family provide normal human needs when we were young – but had little control about getting them. For many of us this was done poorly or barely at all, which created a sense of desperation that can trigger the compulsion to demand that others make up for those early deficits.

However, it’s not legitimate for adults to assume that other adults should fill the empty hole in our emotional/ psychological gut – which is our responsibility to provide. Nor is it ‘sane’ to demand something from a person who absolutely does not have it to give – like NPDs or the disabled.

❣️ HAPPINESS – The Pyramid of needs is one of the best-known theories of motivation. Inspired by the work of Carl Jung & humanistic psychologist Erich Fromm, Brooklyn-born American psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) believed that the urge for self-actualization is deeply entrenched in the human psyche, so that the desire for happiness is equally worthy of attention, but is usually based on more basic needs being met first.
He believed that a great personal (non-spiritual) tragedy for many is dying without ever knowing who they really could have been – their True Self. (Maslow’s life & writing)

This Hierarchy points out the possibility of growing intentionally – to develop our unique identity & skills, & use them creatively to benefit ourself & the world. Maslow was dissatisfied with the 2 main theories of his time – Freud’s Psychoanalysis which dealt with mental illness, & Skinner’s Behaviorism which reduced humans to mindless machines or animals.

He wanted to identify mental health & happiness, not just focusing on misery. To that end he studied positive human characteristics, looking at the lives of outstanding people such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, African American abolitionist Frederick Douglass, & Jane Addams (the ‘mother’ of Social Work)…..

Synthesizing piles of research re. human motivation (the inner drive to get what we need), Maslow created his Needs pyramid in 1954. He concluded that when our basic physical needs are satisfied, other higher ones can be recognized & worked on, & once those are met, even higher needs can become our focus. The assumption was that people first have to be on a solid foundation – providing the Deficiencies (Level 1 -3), before they can work on Growth.

PS – as of the 2000s : This is no longer considered the best theory – being too rigid & not accounting for personal individuality.
However, it’s included here since the individual stages have validity.

NEXT: Maslow’s Pyramid #2

PREVIOUS: Difficult types #2

 SITE: How to deal with each type

TRUTHS to REMEMBER about Difficults:

😽 We may be able to put a dent in their bad behavior with positive reinforcement – but it doesn’t work on everyone. The best we can do in any situation is to set firm boundaries – let them know you don’t want to be around their negative attitude, & won’t tolerate their bad behavior.

▷ Don’t take their behavior personally! Their negative patterns are their False Self

▷ Don’t fight back. Don’t try to appease them. It won’t work because they have an insatiable appetite for more – denial, drama, cruelty, isolation, arrogance …..

▷ Don’t try to beat them at their own game. They’ve been practicing their skills for a long time, & you’re a beginner by comparison

▷ NEVER try to change the difficult person, which you can’t do to anyone else anyway, only your reactions to their behavior. By shifting your responses, D.P. may decide to change….. but usually not. However, you will feel better.

▷ Do NOT make excuses for their behavior. When you do that you’re just enabling them to continue without having to admit any responsibility, & you lose your personal power

▷ Their behavior is habitual, so they act this way with most people. Think of others who’ve had a hard life but have not become difficult

Some Options – Handle them by:
• Avoiding • Circumventing • Confronting • Discouraging • Exposing • Identifying • Ignoring • Informing • Isolating • Neutralizing • Predicting • Rehabilitating yourself

COPING
• Act normally
When dealing with difficult people, it’s important to be your mature self – maybe even slightly better. It won’t help to people-please, try to control them or get angry

• Communicate well
If they’re still ranting or pontificating at you, see beyond the label or accusation.  If possible, propose another point of view – trying to understand where they’re coming from – without agreeing. Know how to ask the D.P. relevant questions & then give them lots of room to answer.  If they’re consistently unreasonable, don’t try to get through to them!

• Control your Emotional Responses
Never lose your temper or shout at them. Being quiet & centered has a greater effect. Volatile or negative people often respond better when others are neutral or positive.
This may be hard to do consistently because they can get to us, but it’s worth the effort. By not engaging, we make our day more pleasant & maybe give them a break from their misery 😇 (POST : emotional resilience)

• Get direction from others
If necessary, consult someone you trust to talk over the situation or the personality type you’re dealing with – to get feedback, for guidance & to consider solutions, or just get important validation for your observations 

• Get down to the core issue
Try to find out what the real issue is that’s causing the D.P. their  problem (if possible) & then address that – rather than how it’s being presented

• Meditate
Take time to quiet yourself in whatever way works for you. If the situation is pushing a button in you, comfort the Inner Child, identifying what’s causing your anxiety or rage. Only then can you explain current reality to the D.P, & maybe work out some options

• Remember the numbers
Studies remind us that mental health plays a major role in maintaining physical health.
Negative people are more affected by stressful situations & are more prone to illness.

• Respect the person
No one likes to be treated disrespectfully. The more considerate we are toward D.P., the better they react. A version on the Golden Rule is: “Give respect, expect respect” while keeling boundaries.

• Stand back
Sometimes it’s best to ignore bad behavior, to get a perspective on the situation, especially if this is a consistent pattern of theirs, AND if you know the they’re ‘dangerous’ when under severe stress.
Remember – NEVER take their behavior personally!

• Take a stand
At other times – it’s necessary to speak up for yourself, calmly saying what is acceptable to you & what is not. Understand your realistic options & develop one or more strategies based on that. Always have “Plan B”. Take actions & persevere.

NEXT: Maslow’s Needs pyramid,  INTRO #1

PREVIOUS: Difficult people – #1

SITE: Why being kindhearted attracts Toxic People

Some STYLES of Difficult People (D.P.) cont.
• Narcissists : one of the most D.P., they assume everything is about them, nothing is their fault, the world owes them, & they can do no wrong. However – narcissists come in several shades of puce // (in old French fashion). Those are the narcs who take everything personally, too easily slipping into abandonment & self-hate mode, making you feel bad for them

• The Know-it-alls : addicted to showing off, they have a knack for b.s, but don’t actually know what they’re talking about. OR, they learn just enough about a subject to sound like an expert, which can fool some people, some of the time – all to get some attention

• Yes people : trying to please everyone & avoid confrontation, they agree without thinking things through. Reacting to the latest demand on their time, they over-commit, ignoring prior commitments, and never have time for themself. Then become resentful

• No people : disguised as a mild-mannered normal person, they fight to hang on to futility, hopelessness & despair, killing momentum & creating constant friction. More powerful than Hope, they’re deadly for morale, able to defeat good ideas with a single syllable

• Maybe ones: consumed by indecision, they get lost in analyzing things to death, but never take action. They procrastinate, hoping a better choice will come along, but they wait too long & miss out. Or, afraid to risk hurting or upsetting anyone, they say nothing at all

• Nothing ones : they afraid to contribute to any conversation. Give no verbal or nonverbal feedback. Nothing. They’re especially dangerous if they “Say Yes – but secretly mean NO”

• Silent ones – timid people who retreat into a shell to avoid conflict & personal responsibility. They may not be obviously difficult, but leave a hole in their environment. They get away with not talking because most people are uncomfortable with silence, who will too quick fill in the gaps for them
HOWEVER : Silent ones may be true introverts, needing quiet time to process or concentrate – or to shut out an uncomfortable/painful home or work environment. They’re not a D.P. but still can make some people wary or uncomfortable

NEXT: How to deal with….

PREVIOUS: Difficult People – Intro

SITE:  Humans are naturally Selfish

LOOKING at YOURSELF – just for a minute 😊
If we consider someone to be difficult – it may be that:
💧 our 2 personalities clash – which we can’t change or fix. It just is.
💧 we can be the difficult one, rubbing others the wrong way
💧 we misunderstand the other person’s behavior or group’s goal
💧 they are indeed difficult, but trigger an old unhealed issue in us

Since everyone brings preconceived ideas & attitudes to every situation, we tend to interpret observations of & interactions with others thru our personal lens – ‘glasses’ that are not always wiped clean. AND, much of the time we have no idea what’s really behind someone’s ‘weird’ style, yet we unconsciously fill in the blanks with wrong assumptions about them

Being disruptive in whatever environment they’re in, Difficult People (D.P.) push buttons in others – especially those who have to deal with them for a long time. It’s very wearing.
But what upsets you may only be irritating or neutral to ‘the next guy’.

So it’s truly empowering to figure out & deal with what sets us off, those buttons our family installed & are now stuck in the WIC. Fortunately we can understand the root cause of our reactions to D.P., instead of being confused, & feeling tapped by them.
It’s a 2-parter:
• identify your strengths, skills & preferences, as well as the old wounds that get triggered
• learn about each D.P. type & their antidotes
EXP of buttons: Being accused wrongly, treated as unimportant or invisible, having your ideas or work usurped by someone else, talked to as if you’re stupid or incompetent, trying to control you….

ASK yourself :
• What emotional tornado does this D.P. set off in me? (terror, rage, desperation….)
• What do I do in reaction? (fight, isolate, rat on them…..)
• In general, how do others handle my carrying on or withdrawing?
• How does my D.P. deal with my reactions ? (be hurt, justify, make fun)
• Am I the difficult person triggering others to react badly?
• Do I just keep reacting to the D.P. in my life, OR am I diligently working to find better ways to manage myself & others?
👞 💼 👡 👜

Some TYPES
• Complainers : fearful, with little faith in themself or others, they assume the whole world is hostile. They’ll make a general complaint about something & then walk away without being specific. Nothing ever works out for them, & their constant discouragement can make others feel despairing too
VARIATION : Help-Rejecting ↗️

NEXT: More Types #2