YOU MEAN I’M ALLOWED?
I can really ask for what I need AND get it?
PREVIOUS: Unrealistic Expectations – OVER #2
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
IRONY (see last 2 posts)
There are many things ACoAs do not expect WHICH WE SHOULD! In reality…
… we all need images (dreams, goals) of that is possible for us, which are supposed to be formed in childhood, by watching our family accomplish their goals, & thru school, friends, books, TV…
… without those images (possibilities) – we don’t have something ‘concrete’ to work towards, using process. Goals have to start with a mental picture of what we want to accomplish or receive, in order for us to pursue them.
✶ But for ACoAs – Some have dreams, but they’re not allowed
We know what we’d like to do, when we “grow up” – but are just too scared to go for it. What IF : I’m not good enough, I fall flat on my face, I don’t have the talent, I can’t follow thru, or mess it up some other way… AND the PP is saying “Who do you think you are, anyway?
OR, we don’t think we have any dreams
We’re so beaten down by the traumas of childhood we don’t even dare picture what we might try for. We can’t go after anything that would be important to us – we just drift & do whatever we fall into. We can’t imagine having our dreams come true.
➼ ACoAs UNDER-EXPECT basic human rights, which were denied us as kids. NOW we can look for appropriate treatment from everyone. We know that not everyone is capable, so it’s important to “Stick with the winners”! We need to keep away from, or severely limit, our contact with people who are too damaged to treat us with at least a minimum of courtesy. Not everyone will like or love us. That’s normal. But we can gravitate towards those who will!
So, we have a RIGHT to EXPECT –
1. FROM LIFE
a. The right to BE here
• to heal from our childhood damage
• to get the help we need in any situation
• to have as full a life as possible
• to be safe in the world & to be comfortable in our skin
• to have our own dreams, to follow them & be successful
• to get to know ourselves, thoroughly & like who we are
b. The right to be WHO we are
• to be happy, feel pleasure, be drama-free
• to express our creativity, in whatever form
• to have a safe, loving Higher Power
• to have a full support system, for healing and for fun
• to be part of a community of our peers
• to be acknowledged for our innate abilities, our learned skills & our actual achievements
We have a RIGHT to EXPECT –
2. FROM OTHER PEOPLE, that they:
a. treat us with respect (not use us!)
• able to listen to us, be present, be thoughtful
• are ok with all our emotions (crying, anger, joy…)
• take us seriously – not make fun of us, dismiss us in any way
• tell the truth (not lie), be forthcoming
• talk to us as adults, at the very least with civility
b. have (some) mental health
• sobriety: chemical, mental & emotional (but not perfect)
• not be physically & mentally abusive
• have their own money, living space, career/ work they like…
• capable of intimacy, honesty, enjoyment
• have a spiritual belief (if it’s important to us)
• know how to act in public, be sociable (not withdrawn)
• have decent boundaries, know how to communicate
c. have the capacity to love (already)
• be supportive, encouraging, helpful
• see the real us, value who we are
• able to commit to us, but not be symbiotic
• be loyal, sexually faithful
• admire us without being jealous
• want the best for us, even if they don’t agree or understand
These are only SOME of the things we SHOULD EXPECT!
➼ REMINDER: In order to believe this & go for it, ACoAs need to imperfectly have: • greatly reduced self-hate • developed a rapport with our wounded AND healthy child aspects • decent boundaries • a good support system • major detachment from the bad parent voice in our head!
NEXT: ACoAs & RISK – Intro #1