PREVIOUS: Unrealistic – Over #
<— “OUT IN THE COLD” by DMT
What ACoAs SHOULD NOT expect…. (cont.)
B. ….of OTHERS (cont.)
1. To be Rescued
2. To be Symbiotic
3. To Mind-Read : WE WANT / expect that people will automatically know what we need & magically come thru for us, without us having to ask! We’re not allowed to know what those needs are, & if we do, not allowed to get them met. So – we have to “depend on the kindness of strangers”.
💚 We want them to do things that we :
• never learned how, & resist doing so now, even tho there’s more help & info available in the world than ever before
• really can do for ourselves, but it would feel too lonely & sad if we did, reminding us of the original A/A (no one to help)
• are terrified of trying / risking, believing we’re too stupid, incompetent, slow…AND what if we fail?
• know it will take a lot of time (process) & we’re impatient. As kids, having to wait usually meant it would never happen. So, don’t ask us to wait – some more!
• have trouble with (meeting our needs) because of a disability, like ADD or dyslexia, depression or other disorders, so we don’t make the effort to learn how to manage them – just keep being their victim
4. To be Healthy : WE WANT others to be something they aren’t or can’t be (ever – or not yet), because they’re pushing our abandonment button, activating our wounds – so we’re impatient, even desperate. We’re afraid if they don’t change we’ll be trapped with them & continue to be hurt, OR have to leave them.
That puts us in a double bind : 💔 it’s painful to stay, it’s painful to leave. However, for most ACoAs, our FoA is greater than our tolerance for loneliness & sadness – so we stay!
a. Maybe we keep trying to explain what we want & what they’re doing wrong – at great length, as if they’ll ‘get it’.
When it doesn’t work!!! we act like:
• bullying control freaks – trying to make them give us what we want
• raging, abusive crazies – as if yelling would get thru to them
• sullen, complaining victims – expressing all our childhood powerless & hopeless feelings in the form of passive anger
• punishing, vengeful harpies – probably like one of our parents, to express our extreme frustration and anxiety
• people-pleasing doormats – overly helpful, solicitous, care-taking, to insure we’ll be indispensable, & then they’ll never leave …..
❎ We are NOT fundamentally any of these things, which come from the the PP or the WIC. It’s our FS damage, which is repairable.
b. We (silently or loudly) WAIT & WAIT, all the time desperate & in a panic. When others don’t take care of us, we hate them for not coming thru, BUT also blame ourselves for not being good enough to deserve it. We get depressed, ashamed, resentful & even more hopeless.
We say: “I knew it. No one can be trusted”! or “See, the universe doesn’t want me to have anything!” Can you hear the kid screaming?
5. To be Available (re. Relationships) : WE WANT people who we like – to like us back, regardless (is Cupid in your pocket?). We assume:
• that we’ll be able to win over that one person in the room who is giving us the cold shoulder
• that someone we feel deeply connected to will be our friend, mate, mentor… always & forever, as long as we’re both alive
• that the party, event, date, trip… with someone we care about – will turn out exactly the way we fantasize / plan it to be – usually without letting the other person know what we’re expecting/ wanting!
• that if a new acquaintance is very friendly, & we spent a nice time together, once or twice, that they’ll make an effort to continue the association (It just doesn’t happen with some people – & it’s no ones fault!)
• that someone will do what they said they would – for sure!, like, call us back, bring us something they promised, keep their word, help us out, give us some info we need…
A lot of people say they’ll do things & mean it at the time, but maybe they’re just people-pleasing, or they forget, or change their mind, or get too busy
C. What ACoAs SHOULD NOT expect…. re. TIME: See posts on unrealistic expectations about how long things take, both too long & not long enough – “ACoAs & TIME”
NEXT: UNDER expect