Author: dmtorbi

Enneagram – Type ‘DEFECTS’ (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

448355-p011_3
AM I WEAK? AM I BAD?
I just want to forget it all!

PREVIOUS: Type Defects, #1

SITE: Enneagram for spiritual transformation – we love & hate it

 

SELF-AWARENESS:  Deep & honest introspection provide AHA! moments, to see the truth about our unhealthy side. We can think back to what we were like in our teens & 20s, when our reactive style was in full bloom.
What was our overall behavior & attitude toward people-places-things? AND – is it how we still deal with life now?  Richard Rohr says a rule of thumb is: “Whoever is not humiliated has not yet found his or her ‘number’!”

😓 “FATAL FLAW”
It’s important to make a distinction between each Type’s perceived Fatal Flaw & the very real acting-out of damage, via ones Passion/Vice.  Everyone wants to see themselves & be seen by others in a certain light. To hold onto our idealized self-image & keep it up in public, we have to completely deny admitting the thing we’re most afraid we are or might be. It’s the specific weakness that would bring us the greatest S-H if revealed – the real OR imagined flaw we take great pains to conceal, sometimes even from ourselves 

⚠️ This ‘flaw’ generates a painful emotion specific to the Enneagram’s 3 sub-divisions: 2, 3, 4s feel Shame / 5, 6, 7s feel Fear / 8, 9, 1s feel Anger (more later).

Also, each Type has a ‘Core Emotion’ (from the 7 Deadly Sins + 2) :
Type #1 = Anger🦯 #2 = Pride 🦯 #4 = Envy 🦯 #5 = Greed 🦯 #7 = Gluttony,
#8 = Lust 🦯 #9 = Sloth 🦯 + Type #6 = Fear  &  #3 = Deceit

Denying our limitations, we often gravitate to people & things not in our best interest or that are outright dangerous.  Each type tries hard to avoid experiencing  :
🔓 2  Insignificance — 3 Failure  — 4 Ordinariness
🔓 5 Ignorance — 6 Irresponsibility —  
7 Emptiness
🔓 8 Weakness — 9 Hostility — 1 Unworthiness

IRONICALLY, none are real defects! They only seem so to the person, while other types will not consider it such a bad thing, & may even find it laughable. All are various expression of being human – realistic limitation common to all. Only the grandiose IDEAL of each type sees it as a personal weakness!

PROJECTING our Passion/Vice 
Because the Gift-turned-Vice makes us see the world through partial & distorted information lenses, each protective style also creates a projection – causing the person to use their own defense against others.
The saying: “If the only tool you have is a hammer, then everything is a nail” implies that we must not use just 1 way of responding to all situations, & that some things are injured by being pounded on, such as delicate emotions.

EXPs:
❖ It’s not OK to: ✦ talk away someone’s emotions (5) ✦ try to make others be perfect (1) ✦ control everything around us (8) ✦ tell a sad or angry person to lighten up (7)….
❖ A healthy #2 is naturally loving & helpful but not intrusive, but
— a wounded #2 is co-dependent, clingy, manipulative, overly-solicitous, 2-faced…. all in the name of being ‘nice’ & not wanting to hurt others.

TRAIT 2-4

TRAITS 8-1

TRAITS 5-7

Ennea-ILLUSIONS (Ginger Lapid-Bogda, PhD)
THAT :
2s – being so focused & intent on others means they themselves actually can do no wrong
3s – doing what they think they want is usually what they think they should want
4s – being so ‘in touch with feelings’ & pondering them with such continual intensity means they’re real (Not)
THAT : 
5s – they don’t know or experience their feeling states (but are actually pure)
6s – by focusing on serious issues & bearing down on a problem with great intensity, confronting it will somehow get it solved or resolved (Not)
7s – they’re forever forced to live with a deep hole inside (but it is ALL inside)
THAT :
8s – they don’t dare let their guard down, or something terrible will happen to them or their loved ones
9s – they’re being consistently kind & nice eliminates all their hidden anger
1s – being so completely self-controlled will give them the satisfaction & joy they want as a reward for being soooo good (Not)

NOTE – Do not be ashamed of your inherent protective style – a necessary part of our psychological makeup. The problem comes from overuse & then rigid adherence.
Once we own it, we can work on healing original wounds, so the defense is progressively less needed – & turned back into the GIFT it was meant to be! Your Type provides parallel discoveries of hidden & rejected positive qualities.

NEXT: Enneagram ‘Defects’ Part 3

Enneagram – Type “DEFECTS” (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

enn weaknessI DON’T WANT TO ADMIT TO
my biggest weak spot!

PREVIOUS: Enneagram Basics (#3)

SITES: Enneagram Videos
•“The Enneagram of Individuality”

• ‘Spiritual Desire & Blocks’
• Karen Horney & the Enneagram

‘DEFECTS’ / Defenses:  In trying to identify our own Type, most people will choose the number that makes us look good & reject the one that indicates our Shadow side. However, the ‘normal’ defense of each number is the most direct indicator of our True Number, so it’s best to start with the list of the 9 Grand Passions. Even though we share a portion of all nine qualities with everyone else, determining our type will depend on the main motivation for our behavior, & the Passion gives us that. 

The PASSIONS/VICES are the characteristic defensive styles each Type is born with to cope with life’s stressors. Each VICE/Passion with its accompanying Fixation – the opposite of the 7 Virtues (+ 2) – can also be called character defects, main Emotional Issues, Mental Habits, defensive styles, used here interchangeably.

Our Enneagram Number tells us who we are (Nature),
along with our basic reactive style (Nurture),
shown by how we habitually react (Es) & what we do (As) – especially when stressed. CHART —>

◆ The Passion is the form of self-protection which we automatically gravitate to, based on our fundamental personality – originally a positive way of Being we can call our gift. This gift is a necessary & effective strategy for our survival as children, used to cope specifically with an unhealthy/unsafe upbringing, & in general with the universal difficulties of growing up.

• For most people the Passion gradually becomes a warped version of our Basic Self, exaggerating & twisting the very quality that is supposed to be our cushion & shield.
Instead, prolonged childhood damage turns the gift into a burden. It becomes a chronic internal preoccupation & counter-productive driving force, putting us in a ‘type trance’, with limited & distorted ways of understanding & dealing with reality.
EXP: The Passion of #1 is Perfection, the emotion is Resentment, & the Mental Fixation is Judging.

Enneatype & Fixations
The Enneatype is the tool for human expression free of longing & searching. It can be described as an imaginary membrane between fixation & freedom, the basic energetic pattern of human potential before it becomes perverted.

Fixation is being stuck in a Freudian psycho-sexual stage of development (oral, anal…), as a result of the child feeling ‘not enough’, incomplete, & therefore separate, not connected. This separated self is a physical/mental contraction which tightens up into the Type’s fixation, creating all inauthentic or unnatural behaviors, driven by desperate longing, & a search for the impossible.   (Fixation CHART)

The Passion develops in a 3-stage process:
a. IDEAL: Karen Horney, in Neurosis and Human Growth says that “gradually & unconsciously we create an idealized image of ourselves, which entails self-glorification, & gives us the much-needed feeling of significance & superiority over others.”  This eventually leads to type-specific character defects.
EXP of Types uncomfortable with the Enneagram:
— 4s, the romantics who don’t want to look at the negative side of others
— 7s, the narcissists who never want to see their own negative side

Enn Ideal Slef

b. LIFE STANCE: Our preoccupation with this self-image prevents us from allowing anything to seep into our awareness which would contradict or negate it. According to Horney, if we only look at the world thru ‘idealized glasses’, then our primary concern is not about what we truly feel, but whether or not we are safe.
To feel safe – from being discovered as imperfect – and be able to stay inside the idealized bubble, we develop strategic but artificial ways to cope with life that override & bury our genuine emotions, wishes & thoughts.

Enn Life-Stance
c. UNDER STRESS: In addition to our ‘regular’ in-authentic mode, when we have to deal with stressful situations, especially in the long-term, our fixation gets darker, turning into the negative Passion/Vice. We act out a twisted version of our self-image, adding to our burden. Over-reacting may be a temporary but characteristic flare-up, or the way we usually deal with people-places-things, even when not directly faced with a problem. Either way it separates us from others instead of drawing us closer together – causing more stress!

Enn Under Stress

NEXT: Ennea “Defects” (Part 2)

Enneagram – BASICS (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Ennea Basics (#3)

SITEs:
• Variations & Types of the E.
• Enneagram Dimensions  MANY Articles
 • “Finding Home” re. mis-typing oneself

SIDEBAR: In Numerology – the process of reducing a number down to one digit is common practice as well as in mainstream science. It’s the key to Vortex Based Mathematics, showing the underlying numeric patterns to reality. The geometric genius Buckminster Fuller called this subset of math ‘integrated digits’ or ‘indig 9?.
In computer science it’s a ‘digital root’, ‘digital sum’ or ‘quantum bit’ – so when disregard the NINES, you will get the same total. EXP : 254 (2+5+4) = 11 = 2. Since 5+4 = 9, we can skip those two & see right away that 254 = 2.  (More…. scroll down)

REASONS to study The Enneagram (& other personality systems)
1. For US
Accurately identifying & studying our Type, including all its complexities, can help explain how we function in relationships, what kind of career suits us best & how we are at work, what our gift are, what defenses we use to ‘protect’ ourselves & therefore what needs to be corrected….. so we can stop saying “I don’t know who I am”

a You’ll be able to let yourself off the hook
b. You can stop banging your head against the wall
c. It’ll make you smarter, improve memory, mood, & keep brain healthy
d. It has what you’re looking for (re. Growth) (Explanations.…. )

2. Re. OTHERS 
All ACoAs start out desperately wanting / needing to be understood & connected with, to the point of symbiosis. This makes it hard to see others as individuals with a core identity of their own, especially if they’re very different from us. As we become emotionally healthier & want to function well in the world, we greatly benefit from learning about the basic nature of all the other Types, so we can relate to others based on who they are.

◆ Other people will make you less crazy (see above link)

ALSO, it’s imperative to identify extremes of damaging behavior (cruelty, mental illness….) in our family, friends, loves & bosses, as ACoAs have :
— very little realistic frame of reference for ‘sanity’
— built-in blinders to repeated abuse we’re subjected to, even when part of us is aware of it
— a compulsion to white-wash our perpetrators, so we don’t have to distance ourselves or leave them

IMP: Most people come to the wrong conclusion as to their Type because the correct one is based on our defensive style rather than our better qualities. It’s hard to see our automatic way of functioning, so in spite of S-H, most of us are in denial about how we habitually protect ourselves.
To find the truth we need to start with each Type’s ‘Basic Flaws & Fears’. If we’ve done extensive self-inventories we’ll be able to pick out the one that consistently fits our behavior & attitudes. 

HOW each Type would approach a RIVER to cross
Imagine a large group made up of all 9 Types traveling together, coming to a river without a bridge. How do they deal with this obstacle? Each type is unaware of their True Nature, yet unconsciously approached it in their own ‘compulsive’, default style. Notice not everyone gets across!

ONES search for & find the only ‘perfect’ place to cross
TWOS start to swim across, then double back to help others. Because they continue to do this, they never get across themselves. Some drown from exhaustion
THREES wait at the edge until they’re the center of attention. Then they wear their best outfit & swim with fancy strokes

FOURS cross using a variety of artsy styles, even doing a water ballet
FIVES never get into the river. They hide behind a tree & and take notes on what everyone else does
SIXES either fearfully grab onto someone strong to help them across, OR stride into the water & do the traditional over-arm stroke

SEVENS splash, dive & generally have a party, & it doesn’t matter if they get across or not, as long as they’re entertaining the crowd
EIGHTS march into the water & swim upstream – against the current – but they always get across. Some even help the weaker ones
NINES amble into the water & float downstream – with the current. If they don’t drift out to sea, they eventually land OK (from: Lessons4Living)

NEXT: Ennea FLAWS #1

Enneagram – BASICS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

ennea people
I’M SO CONFUSED!
there’s too much to know

PREVIOUS: Ennea Basics (#3)

SITEs: ‘Re. Wings & Arrows’ 
• Enneagram Dimensions  MANY Articles

BOOK : “Are You My Type, Am I Yours?, Relationships Made Easy Through the Enneagram” ~ Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

We can say the Enneagram is:
♦︎ a mirror, reflecting the truth of who we really are
♦︎ a map, guiding us toward growth and liberation
♦︎ a catalyst, speeding our journey of self-knowledge & transcendence.

• Although everyone has some aspects of all 9 numbers, we are each born as one basic type, with the others operating in the background to drawn from throughout our life.
Based on this foundation we then develop a ‘passion / fixation / weakness’ as a reaction to our earliest experiences. This problem attitude governs our outlook & behavior until modified or corrected.

OUTLINE of Enneagram Symbol parts
The information & internal connections between the numbers of the Enneagram are complex & subtle. In addition to the meaning of each Type, there are many other things to look for. 

TRIADS There are several kinds, & this is not a complete list:
✤ Core Centers tells us each group’s main goal. Each has its own intensity, emotional focus & physical center:
2, 3, 4 = Heart & Love-Shame
5, 6, 7 = Head & Fear-Anxiety
8, 9, 1 = Gut & Anger-Rage

✤ Harmonics: 4s, 6s, & 8s are Reactive / 2s, 7s & 9s Have a Positive Outlook / 1s, 3s & 5s focus on Competency

✤ Importance: 1s, 4s & 7s feel Smaller than the world  / 3s, 6s & 9s adjust themselves to the world  /  2s, 5s & 8s feel Bigger than the world
✤ Instinctual Sub-types are how they function best in the world – Social, Self-preservation & Sexual/Intimate, each Type expressing all three in their own way

✤ Object Relations connections: 3s, 6s & 9s Attach (join) / 1s, 4s & 7s Frustrate (are ambivalent) /  2s, 5s & 8s Reject (push against)

✤ Social ‘Movement’ (interaction), instinctive style: 2s, 6s & 7s go Toward others / 4s, 5s, 9s move away from others / 1s, 3s & 8s go against others

ARROWS – The six-pointed figure showed the relationships between the steps in the process
EXP: Step 1 is influenced by steps 4 & 7 via connecting lines. Each Type relates to 2 other numbers, at the opposite end of their connecting lines, usually at the far side of the circle.
— When we’re relaxed, one of these numbers enhances us, as we add some of those positive qualities to our
— When we’re stressed the other weakens us, as we add some of those negative qualities to our native style.

DESIRES & FEARS – Each type is drive to gain their Heart’s desire & to avoid – at all costs – their greatest fear. People living at the lower Psychological Levels are run by their fear & sadly their dysfunction coping mechanisms often increase it. As one moves up to higher levels, the Desire begins to be the stronger motivator for our actions & interactions with others.

LEVELS – each Type will also be expressed in 9 psychological levels, from most damaged to healthiest. While the goal is to improve oneself, the levels do not automatically imply moving upward, and not everyone starts out from the lower 3. Most people live in the middle 3 – the ‘Average’ range – & some are able to function in the top 3.

STRENGTHS & WEAKNESSES – Each Type is most easily defined by their “Passion” or negative defense, & their whole life is built around it. EXP: the 3’s Flaw/ Vice is Deceit, the 9’s is Sloth…. The goal is to grow into our Type’s highest potential, the positive version of your number

WINGS – These are the numbers on each side of every Type & we tend to choose one or the other to modify our own.
EXP: We can be a 1 with a 9 wing (1w9) or a 1 with a 2 wing (1w2)…. Each has a ‘title’ & allows for easier connections to people of that adjacent Type, who they may not otherwise understand or get along with.
EXP: Type 8 (intense, easily angered, dominant) is extremely different from a #7 (lighthearted, rarely serious, irresponsible), so the 8 with a 7 wing (8w7) is lighter, & can can get along with a 7w8 reasonably well since many traits overlap. (WINGS….)

NEXT: Enneagram Intro #4

ENNEAGRAM Basics (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

9 type peopleTHIS IS SO INTERESTING!
I’d like to know more

PREVIOUS: Ennea Basics (#1)

QUOTE:  The Ennead “flows around the other numbers within the Decad like an ocean.” – Nichomachus 0f Geresa


OVERVIEW
Ancient mathematical philosophers called NINE the “finishing post” and “that which brings completion”.
“The NINE holds within it a powerful resonance of our holo-fractographic, base-10 reality.  It’s the largest number in the decimal system, really the largest number of all, as every other number thereafter is a reflection of the Ennead, expressing itself in scalar expansions & contractions of 10.

TEN is the combination of something with nothing. ’10’ is not a number but more of a concept, or you could say it’s Nature’s way of organizing herself.   The Pythagoreans considered there to be only 7 numbers in reality.  Unity & duality, 1 & 2, were not considered numbers.  Numbers began at 3 & ended at the most auspicious of all, NINE” (MORE…. extensive info)

#1 Reformer / Perfectionist – (Terrier) SELF IMAGE: I am perfect.
• The GOOD person, highly responsible, fixated on improvement : orderly, principled, rational idealist, reasonable, self-righteous.
— Driven to do the ”right’ thing. Often critical of self & others, with an over-developed sense of responsibility, & prone to repressing their anger

#2 Helper / Giver – (Cat) SELF IMAGE: I am helpful.
• The LOVING person, who needs to be needed : caring, concerned, generous, nurturing, manipulative, possessive, well-meaning.
— Will go the extra mile to please others at the cost of self-care. Gives a lot & proud of it, but strings are often attached

#3 Motivator / Performer – (Peacock) SELF IMAGE: I am successful.
• The EFFECTIVE person, focused on looking successful in order to be validated: adaptable, ambitious, arrogant, goal & success oriented, image conscious, pragmatic.

— Efficient, achievers, goal-driven & focused on being a “winner”. Concern is with appearances, style over substance, often refusing to be introspective / self-aware, they crowd out family & friends

#4 Individualist/Romantic – (Basset Hound) SELF IMAGE: I am unique
• The ORIGINAL person, seeking identity, who feel special & different : artistic, aesthetic, depressive, intuitive, self-absorbed, sensitive, withdrawn.
— Crave self-expression & emotional depth. Sensitive to beauty & meaning, prone to melancholy, they feel inadequate & envious

#5 Thinker / Observer – (Fox) SELF IMAGE: I see thorough.
• The WISE person, who tends to withdraw & observe: analytic, cerebral, eccentric, innovative, original, perceptive, provocative.
— Recognize & synthesize information in new ways. Are emotionally detached, protecting their privacy & personal resources

#6 Loyal Skeptic – (Rabbit) SELF IMAGE: I do my duty.
• The LOYAL person, with a major conflict between trust & distrust : anxious, cautious, committed, engaging, hardworking, responsible, traditionalistic.
— A teem-player OR rebel-vigilant, they’re always scanning for threats from the environment. Are loyal & engaging, but full of contradictions, which create self-doubt & indecisiveness

#7 Enthusiast / Epicure – (Monkey) SELF IMAGE: I am happy.
• The JOYFUL person, pleasure-seeking, always planning – something – in search of distraction : accomplished, excessive, hyperactive, manic, uninhibited, versatile
— Having a perpetual surplus of new schemes & goals, they’re eager for experiences &/or material goods. Habitual optimism covers a fear of boredom and pain

#8 Leader / Challenger – (Rhinoceros) SELF IMAGE: I am strong.
• The POWERFUL person, taking charge in order to not be controlled : authoritative, challenging, combative, confident, decisive, determined, executive, powerful, self-sacrificing
— Driven to control self & environment, they’re capable of both domination & protectiveness. Vulnerability & a tender heart are hidden under a tough exterior

#9 Mediator / Idealist – (Elephant) SELF IMAGE: I am content
• The PEACEFUL person, creating harmony : complacent, disengaged, easygoing, optimistic, phlegmatic, receptive, tolerant.
— Good at seeing all points of view, trying to be a peacemaker – while easily distracted from noticing personal needs & priorities. Avoids direct confrontation & can be passive & immovable.

Using the BEST qualities of the 9 Types to form a successful ‘Product’ in business, one would need:

# 8 The Leader / Maverick, with vision and confidence
# 4 The Individualist, for a well-designed product, and a sensitivity to its emotional impact on the public

# 5 The Investigator, for technical expertise and innovative ideas
# 1 The Perfectionist, for ethical standards and quality control

# 3 The Achiever, with promotional and communication skills
# 9 The Peacemaker, to bring the team together by listen to them

# 6 The Loyalist, for teamwork and self-regulating feedback
# 2 The Helper, to serve people and anticipate their needs
# 7 The Enthusiast, with energy and optimism

NEXT: Enneagram – Basics (Part 3)

ENNEAGRAM Basics (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

ENNEAGRAM

FINDING OUT MY TYPE
makes me squirm

PREVIOUS: ‘Keep the focus on yourself (#3)”

SITEs:
♦︎ Multidimensional Enneagram Immersion  

♦︎ “The Enneagram, Jung & MBTI”

BOOK: “3 Keys to Self-Understanding” – Pat Wyman, combines the MBTI, Enneagram & Inner Child Work

INTRO
Essentially the Enneagram shows us how we CAN BE, at our best, as well as how we ARE – including our weaknesses. It is a merciful delusion-buster that opens us to the truth of our experience by
the use of radical awareness and compassion

• It is a Map of Wholeness. Its primary purpose is to study the universal Human Soul expressed in each of us, to connect us with what is deeper than our outer persona – legitimate but limited – and toward what does not come from our ego-fixations (weakness to be overcome).

QUOTE: “Always remember that it is your birthright & natural state to be wise and noble, loving and generous, to esteem yourself and others, ➡️
The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso & Hudson (p 41)

• It’s a “nature/nurture” system, with both social & genetic components for each Type. They are psychological templates tied to brain development, as well as the influences of our environment, & so can be considered ‘programs’ or life-scripts. They also point to Carl Jung’s 9 psychological processes of consciousness & 9 distinct versions of the his Shadow archetypes, all of which makes the Enneagram a powerful system for self-understanding.

• The 9-point diagram gives us nine different sets of values & filters through which we can view the world, a way of describing inner experience as well as conscious self-image. But it goes enn SYMBOLdeeper, indicating unconscious motivations as the source of thoughts, emotions & actions. It can help people recognize & expand the boxes they’re already in, & ultimately be a way to dissolve those boxes.

• The Enneagram SYMBOL is an ancient form to describe the path of self-development. It can be traced at least as far back as the Greek mathematician Pythagoras (c. 500 BC), improved on by Christian & later Sufi mystics (c. 500-1000 AD).
It was re-introduced in the 20th cent, starting with the Armenian mystic George Gurdjieff (a controlling Type 8), the founder of an influential Inner Work school, who drew from Sufi tradition & focused on sacred dance, using musical notes for each type.

• Then Oscar Ichazo, the South American student of ancient wisdom, formed the Arica School, updating the Enneagram by creating a system of Types using Gurdjieff’s ‘chief feature’ as a starting point. More recent writers, including Claudio Naranjo, Don R. Riso, Russ Hudson & Helen Palmer, have developed the Enneagram further, adding a psychological emphasis to its spiritual base.

The symbol is made up of :
♦︎ A circle, representing the whole experience of life & the container within which we live our lives. It’s used AS:
– a Process, when moving around the circumference
– an Experience, if taken as a whole
– a Point in time. It speaks to the cyclical nature of change – death follows life, life follows death – with its progression through time  (CHART  ↖️ )

♦︎ A triangle, dividing the ‘ONE’ into 3 parts, which introduces things outside  influencing the Process (movement), with internal intentions & connections to each other.
The points touching the circle (9, 3, 6) are where external energies provide the fuel needed to drive any procedure, including needed Change. It represents the universal Law of Three (man-woman-child, Body-Mind-Spirit, the physical-emotional-intellectual body)

♦︎ The Six straight Lines show the relationships between the steps in the Process, which overlap & are coordinated. They are the ‘one’ divided by 7, which equals a repeating fraction is .142857142…,**,  not including the triangle points. ➡️ (Chart) scroll down (ALSO…..in Wikipedia).
** The Enneagram has been associated with the invention of the decimal system.

Placing these decimals around the rim form the 6-line web showing the essential internal movement of the universe, & gives us the direction of our personal growth-work as we move around the outer circumference.
The “missing” 7th line is the point in the center of the circle.

EXP: Step 1 is influenced by steps 4 & 7 via their connecting lines (arrows)

NEXT: Enneagram Basics (Part 2)

“KEEP the FOCUS on YOURSELF” means? (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: KFY (# 2)

SITEs:
• Keep The Focus On Yourself 
• “13 ways to….”

Review Part 1


WAYS to KFY (cont.)
c. Be Responsible for yourself
d. Listen To Your Gut

e. Stay in the Present
KFY means, as adult, we need to respond to current people & situations based on present reality, instead of –
• projecting fears & fantasy hopes into the future, or
• reacting from past trauma, blaming bosses, spouses, adult-children, the weather, the traffic…. for all our troubles

🤓However, it is also imperative we use every bit of life info we’ve accumulated to evaluate who or what we’re dealing with – safe vs. unsafe – so we don’t get sucked into other people’s damage

The ‘focus’ means TO :
• acknowledge limiting or harmful characteristics of PPT we’re already familiar with (family members, mate, job, living situation….), & use our Adult ego state to correctly evaluate new encounters
• recognize all positive ways a person/ situation is truly different from those who hurt us in the past. What beneficial qualities are we overlooking?

Healthy EXP: “I felt hurt & angry when you didn’t come to my party, but I know now it was only because your boss needed you to work late”(not because you don’t like me any more) in the present

• The only way to KFY is to know what IS. That means continually bringing the WIC into the present, so we don’t keep repeating the same mistakes, AND so we can choose safer people to enjoy our life with. USE: Book-ending

PS: Staying in the present does NOT mean ignoring the past or future – only that we should deal with others based on who they are & what they are actually doing – right now, instead of letting the WIC react from our past.
Neuroscientific research shows that “living in the moment” is not literally possible, because that would cut out everything we’ve learned that we need to protect ourselves. Access to accurate memories of past decisions can guide future behavior. (MORE…..)

f. Do what’s right for you
Make your choices based on what’s right for our Inner Soul, whether business or personal. AND don’t hang out with PPT that retard Recovery or harm our True Self. Having a good relationship with ourself allows us to be kinder & more appropriate with others.

• If we have trouble doing ‘work’ things, we need to focus on that, to be ‘self-supporting by our own contributions’ (from DA)
• If we spend most of our time working & taking care of others (legitimately), we need to take time off to do fun & relaxing things
Healthy EXP: “I chose to stop celebrating holidays because it was too stressful & unrewarding. Now I feel peaceful” (not because I’m trying to save money or punish the family)

g. When In Doubt, ASK
Crucial to KFY. Finding out who others truly are – not based on co-dep – lets us clarify that we are indeed separate individuals, not symbiotic clones! Human beings are not supposed to know everything & we’re not supposed to be mind-readers. The only time we legitimately need a mind-reader (mom) is when we’re very young & require someone to know what we feel & need!

• It’s not just about lack of info that you could find in a book or a blog. There’s no shame in asking – it shows an open mind, a willingness to learn & improve
• It’s also about finding out what other people are actually like – inside. Ask, ask, ask! “What do you mean? Why did you say that? Are you willing to —-?, Is that all right with you….?”

You may not get the answer you like or expected – or any answer. But many times you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Others may tell us something about how they think, feel or have experienced that we couldn’t have guessed, no matter how smart we are

Healthy EXP: “When I gave that teacher my card he made a disparaging comment about my profession – which I assumed was aimed at me. SO I asked what he meant & he said he’d recently had a bad experience with someone, & my card reminded him.”
(This had nothing to do with me. If I hadn’t asked I would have taken it personally & gone away hurt & angry)

NEXT: Enneagram Basics #1

“KEEP the FOCUS on YOURSELF” means? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

Screen Shot 2016-01-17 at 7.11.01 PM
PREVIOUS: KFY (Part 1)

POST:  “Healthy Helping”

 


1. KFY is NOT a justification for our narcissism! (cont.)  Review Part 1

2. KFY may mean FACING the pain that YOU:
• had a traumatic childhood you’re afraid to admit & deal with
• know it’s time to let go of some illusions, but are still hoping
• don’t like yourself very much, altho you’re ‘supposed to’
• feel like your life is way out of control, but don’t know how to fix it
• want to take risks, but sure you’ll make mistakes or be rejected
• think your friends only like you because you do so much for them
THAT you :
• hate your job, but afraid to change, holding on until retirement
• hate salads, even though you eat one every day for lunch
• want a divorce, but are afraid to leave & be alonesad woman
• want to change but don’t know how.
Your life is a mess.

It could also mean YOU’RE:
• depressed, & have been for decades
• exhausted from anxiety, even though it doesn’t seem you’ve done much today
• ‘supposed’ to love parent/ mate/ child/ friend…. but don’t (or not anymore)
• terrified of commitment, but also terribly lonely
• not getting any younger, & have so many regrets……
Adapted from Karen R Koenig

“Keep the Focus on Yourself” requires positive Self-honesty :
It’s about always looking for & admitting OUR motives & emotions that propel our thoughts & actions! (without shame, guilt or S-H).
They may come from the WIC, Bad Parent – OR – UNIT.
So they’re not always negative. We can legitimately have ok motives, (not co-dependent), which must include our own needs & values

WAYS to KFY
a. Mind your own business
KFY is mainly about staying out of other people’s lives (fixing, Rescuing other adults) – no matter how dysfunctional they may be, how much we think we can help them, AND no matter how much we love them.
In almost all cases, they’ve had many opportunities to get the help we think they need, but ignored or blatantly rejected every one. Stay on your side of the fence.

EXP – Unhealthy: A mother is ‘hele-hovering’ over her daughters’ actions & feelings because she feels guilty for the girl’s problems (not mainly from loving her & wanting her best)

b. Be your own Motivator
Make decisions, choices & take actions based on who you are – your needs.
ACoAs, Co-Deps & addicts use other people, substances or circumstances to give us a reason to function – or an excuse to withdraw from life. We work, go, help, risk…. only long as it’s for someone / thing outside of ourself.

However, we DO have many of the skills needed to run our own life! We must use them to take care of ourselves first, before thinking of others.
EXP – Healthy: “I took that difficult course to learn more about my career & improve my performance” (not self-motivationto please my boss or make myself look good)

c. Be Responsible for yourself
Identify our Toxic Beliefs, & work on correcting them, so we can be in charge of ourselves & our actions in the world. We don’t have the right to expect anyone else to do that for us – our whole life can pass by waiting for that.

Even if we find someone who would, it always comes with a high price – being controlled, kept immature, prevented from healing & expressing our potential.
EXP – 1/2 &1/2 : “I wanted that bigger car because it makes me feel important” (not just because my wife liked it)

d. Listen To Your Gut
Trust the True-Self Inner Voice. There’s a difference between being jerked around by our PP or WIC’s emotions & obsessions, steeped in anxiety from obeying and also trying to resist the Toxic Rules -vs- information provided by our Core self

It’s that still small feeling in the center of our body that won’t go away – telling us when somethings right or wrong for us. Trust “I know what I know”. Once we get quiet inside (low anxiety) we can hear it. We’ll be surprised how accurate it can turn out to be
EXP – Healthy : “I stopped being friends with that woman because I kept getting that ‘ICK’ feeling in my gut whenever we talked” (even though we had a lot in common).

NEXT: KFY #3

“KEEP the FOCUS on YOURSELF” means? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help


I HAVE TO TRAIN MYSELF
to be self-aware!

PREVIOUS:
 Confident People #6

SITE: “(Not) Keeping the focus on myself” ~Al-Anon

 

REVIEW: “Keep the Focus on Yourself” (KFY)
Many sources say to be mentally / emotionally mature we need to be responsible for our own TEAs (thoughts, emotions, actions). This is confusing for ACoAs, because on the one hand:
• we were taught by family & religion NOT to notice our own needs, tastes, ideas, values… only focus on others, which means we’re can’t KFY
AND on the other hand —
• ACoAs take on too much responsibility, for things others are doing or have done (abuse, neglect, carelessness, selfishness….), as well as blaming ourselves for imperfections (limitations, lack of knowledge, mistakes, EVEN good things like emotions, ambition, normal human needs….)

SO, no matter how intelligent or accomplished, without Recovery growth, many ACoAs actually don’t know what KFY means or how to do it. We’re all familiar with the PP’s poisonous voice whispering: “Who do you think you are?”

But that’s exactly the point: In order to KFY, we have to know who & what WE ARE!
But since we didn’t develop that as kids, we have to work on it now – every day. With persistence, eventually it does become the new normal

NOTE: The key to KFY is telling the truth about what motivates our thoughts & actions, which comes from the freedom to BE & express True Self. EXP:
“I’m upset because I’m disappointed …..” said without anger
” I yelled because I’m really scared…. “, without excuse or justification

EXP of not KFY 
Joey forgot to bring home the milk Sarah asked for. She gets angry & calls him a few choice names. The REAL reason she’s angry is not that they need the milk so badly, but she interprets his neglect (T) as meaning that Joey doesn’t consider her important – as a person.
That leads to feeling hurt (F), but she doesn’t say that. it’s easier to attack than be vulnecontrollingrable

KFY is NOT a justification for our narcissism!
It’s NOT:
• saying things like “I think that you should____, If I were you I would/ wouldn’t____” & then proceed to tell someone who we think they are, what they should do or think…. instead of finding out who they actually are, what they want, what they’ve already tried….

• expecting / demanding that others fulfill our needs, just because “I want it” – without considering if they want to help, what state they’re in, if they’re available, what they’re legitimately capable of, what’s appropriate to ask of others….
It’s NOT:
• an opportunity to attack, dismiss /negate or point a finger at others & then excuse it by saying: “It’s just my opinion”
• manipulating others to take care of us, because we don’t want to do it for ourselves
• doing whatever we feel like (jerk others around, lie, attack, be insensitive, undependable, withholding…..), because we’re afraid of being controlled, or want to get back at the whole world for what our family Screen Shot 2016-01-17 at 7.03.27 PMdid to us
It’s NOT:
• convincing someone to go out of their way for us & then change plans at the very last-minute, just because we have something better to do or just don’t feel like it
• use other people to get what we want, to get ahead, to vent our rage
• trying to get someone to be/do what WE want – so we don’t have to deal with ourselves

Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change”, (pg. 29 ):
“I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my Recovery as an excuse to justify my efforts to change other people’s thinking.
Trying to control others only gets me in trouble. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes & put my energy back where it belongs – by focusing on myladder to heartself.”

NEITHER would “Keeping the focus on Yourself” mean we’re :
• selfish & arrogant, because it takes attention away from ‘them’ (the narcs)
• disobedient when we KFY, because we were taught to only think what ‘they’ tell us to

NEXT: KFY (Part 2)

Being CONFIDENT (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

IC confidencePREVIOUS: Confident #5

QUOTES: “To wish you were someone else is a waste of the person you are.” ∼ Meelia121
• “Confidence, like art, never comes from knowing all the answers. It comes from being open to all the questions.” ~ Earl Gray Stevens, UK peer

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this 6-part list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. Acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont)
• are free to assume “Why not?, Why not me?” True confidence allows people to have access to many PPT, with the right to ask for & get a piece of whatever’s available in their environment – but done fairly & legitimately. They create networks & relationships, often quietly behind the scenes. They choose their own path instead of following the most used one

☼ They know there’s ‘enough for everyone’ (attention, connection, recognition, love….), so they don’t have to wait endlessly for permission to express their ideas or get what they’ve earned – to be acknowledged, chosen, ‘discovered’, given info, helped, hired, promoted….

• are shrewd (clever, crafty – not sneaky). Being practical, savvy & having good judgement creates self-confidence, gives them an edge. They know when to keep going, & when to step away from a situation.
They’re often good at quickly sizing up others, figuring out social hierarchies & potential hot buttons. When they combine being clever with wisdom, they can get a lot accomplished without stepping on toes.

BTW: Crafty means taking an existing idea & turning it into something new, exciting & dynamic, or coming up with fresh ideas at a moments notice, & able to deal with stress in ways most others would never think of doing

• are accepting & respectful. Confident people are often the most accepting of others no matter their shortcomings – even when they don’t like someone – because they respect themselves & know that all humans are part of a larger whole. They can because they:
> know & own their own weaknesses, so don’t judge others
> understand everyone’s different, with their own process
> don’t need others to be a certain way to feel safe
> realize they don’t have the power to change others
➼ They try to live by: “I will do unto others as I would want them to do unto me & my loved ones.”

THEY
• trust their judgment. Instead of focusing on trusting others, they rely on their experience & observations to identify who’s safe & who’s not. They rarely second-guess themselves, because they know their rights as human beings, as well as their personal tastes & opinions

• celebrate their successes, & those of others. They’re proud of their accomplishment & appreciate any ‘good luck’ that comes their way. Even when they ‘lose’ to someone (fairly), they’re truly happy when others do well, especially loved ones, because it allows them to be surrounded by accomplished & happy people. So they don’t mind when the spotlight shines on others.
🌈
THOUGHTS: Confidence is one of the most attractive & powerful traits we can have – when it’s grounded in self-esteem & respect for others. People are drawn to those who are comfortable with themselves.
• Confidence does not automatically come from genius or beauty, but by the way we think & feel about ourselves & the world. That means anyone can become confident. (YOU too!)

• Confident people search out & make use of all the resources available in their world to improve life for themselves & others

• Confident people are not ‘up’ all the time, which would be unhealthy & unrealistic. When they’re ‘down’, stressed, confused or it won’t be forever :
> they’re able to find a way under, over or around the discomfort, either by themselves or with help
> they can balance Emotions with realistic Thinking, not ignoring either side

➼ NO ONE has all these positive characteristics – at least not 100% each. Confident people will have many of them – but in varying proportions, with some showing up early in their life, others not until much later.
REMEMBER: Progress, not perfection!

NEXT: Keep the Focus on Yourself, #1