SITE: Comfort bags : emotional first aid kit (includes SONGS for the IC)
CES = child ego state // AES = adult ES // PES = parent ES
NC = Natural C. // AC = Adapted C.(WIC)
1. NATURAL Child (Part 2)
2. ADAPTED Child (+AC) – It is a normal & necessary aspect of all human beings, the part that learns about & adapts to what is expected of us in our particular society, so we know who we are & how to survive.
It incorporates the lessons of our family, school, society & religion – molded in childhood, every day from every aspect of our early environment.
Our Adapted Child part learns how to behave under the influence of its family, in ways the parents would like it to be – obedient & precocious, or reserved & scholarly, or aggressive & vindictive….
❇️ For kids from functional homes, it’s formed around healthy rules & values, which then translates into well-adjusted, self-caring grownups who contribute their special abilities to society.
🔅 Adapts, adjusts, fits in, reconciles itself to its environment
🔅 Absorbs values, mores, rules & restrictions of its society
🔅 Conforms to gender-specific messages & other norms
🔅 Contains the development of social skills & appropriate behavior
IMPORTANT : The Natural & Adapted Self are not automatically in agreement. Even in healthy environments (home, school, culture, religion) the 2 part of us can have different needs, desires & dreams.
EXP: What if the NS is born to be a talented artist / actor…., but the AC is required to be an academic, or macho sports hero, or business leader…..? ☆ How developed the Natural Self becomes over time will determine which one eventually wins out.
🔻 🔺 🔻
For ACoAs, the ADAPTED C.(-AC) ▲ is our wounded part (WIC), in reaction to wounding caregivers. It has to adapt in harmful ways BY rescuing, over-conformed & easily manipulated, being helpless or self-destructive…. It’s made up of our:
Ts – accumulated memories of many traumatic events
Es – all the pain (loneliness, despair, shame, hurt, humiliation….)
As – the child’s coping behaviors (caretaking adults & siblings, fighting, hiding, lying, studying…. )
For everyone, the normal Child includes sometimes being unpleasant – having resistance, hostility or reactivity – when feeling uncomfortable or threatened (a new siblings, a poor school grade, a divorce, a serious illness….), but most of the time they don’t have to worry.
BUT for ACoAs – our sense of dread & anxiety in childhood came from being constantly stressed (neglect, abuse, confusion, losses), so the -AC:
• became our False Self, developed as the only way to cope in childhood
• overshadows the True Self, so we may not even know who we truly are
• prevents us from having access to a Healthy Adult
• denies the intuition & emotional intelligence of our Natural Child
All kids come up with strategies to get through difficult situations, but when a child endlessly needs to protect itself, those strategies become a habit, then armor or a wall, the default position used in all situations, no matter what the circumstance.
Characteristics of the -AC ego state
• Assumes it is the ‘Real Self’, being the only one a person knows, but is not
• Believes it’s protecting itself, but prevents our normal / universal needs from being met correctly
• Compulsively obeys the Toxic family RULES
• Emotions include anxiety, envy, guilt, rage
• Houses the Toxic ROLES – Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot
• Acts from Victim, Rescuer or Bully position
• Can over-compensate, becoming aggressive or rebellious
• Is over-controlled or can be controlling (copying the Introject)
• Lacks genuine confidence. Not able or willing to accept balanced, appropriate responsibility
• Weak boundaries, so gives in to unreasonable demands from others – OR
• Walled up, so is always deprived &/or withholding
As the WIC, the -AC reacts to the world around it by either changing itself to fit in (‘good girls/boy’), or rebelling against all forces it encounters (as enemies)
If a ‘normal’ grown-up temporarily regresses to this ego state, they’ll experience inner needs & the outer world as they did in one of their earlier developmental stages. In that state, although seemingly in the present, they’re actually reacting to a current situation thru childhood mental & emotional lenses. But it doesn’t last.
NEXT: Child E.S.