Year: 2017

ACoAs – Set GOALS to MEET NEEDS (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

implemeting goalsPREVIOUS: Meeting our NEEDS (Part 1c)

SITE: Develop Self-Efficacy Beliefs

QUOTEs: “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation” ~ David Thoreau


1. GOALS

2. IMPLEMENTATION
DEF: “Carrying a plan forward and making it work”
Once we’ve picked a goal & written it down, we can start figuring out how to accomplish it. Breaking it down into small chunks is vital, & will tell us if the goal is actually do-able, if we already can do it, or if we need to learn something first. The next steps include finding the right kind of help, being flexible in our thinking for making adjustments, & having contingency plans for the unexpected.

• How do we ACoAs try to ‘provide’ for our own needs? Not very well. Most of the ways are in the form of being controlling, isolating, lying, manipulating, over-work, people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, using others…. and most of us find it very hard to do actual PMES self-care.
We’re afraid to fully commit to being happy & fulfilled, because we:
— can’t afford to risk going all out for our core ‘love’ or talent, in case we fail. Then we’d have nothing – the loss would be crushing.
— and, the PP’s message is that we’re too stupid, unlovable, unworthy to get anything right, which the WIC agrees with,  so why try. Implementing goals? “Who do you think you are – anyway? / So you think you’re better than us???”

• Therefore, some of us :
— don’t know what we want, what to pursue, what to try out, drifting without any goals, just taking whoever or whatever comes our waypassive
— don’t even try to get our needs met, eeking out a survival based in scarcity mentality – barely enough money, companionship, sex, attention, accomplishment, minimum shelter /clothing / food…. even tho’ we actually have the ability to find & provide some or all of these things
— don’t take risks, sticking to the ‘safest’ route possible, living lives of boredom or ‘quiet desperation’, like working in a post office for 35 yrs, marrying someone we don’t like but will provide for us, being an active addict….

• Others of us who are ambition / driven:
— are high achievers, either based on what our family pushed us into – which we hate, or from some natural gift we were born with, but which we continue to feel insecure about
— will succeed early in life (get a lead on Broadway, work on Wall Street, write a great first novel…. & then do something to ruin it so it slowly disintegrates – over the next 20-30 yrsambitious
— will make the effort in some arena, & may even succeed to some degree – BUT either can’t get beyond a certain level OR
— have to keep messing it up / failing / causing drama & problems / losing everything….
— work our butt off trying to be ‘the best’ so we can finally get the approval we’ve always longed for, but not ever to validate ourselves

WHY don’t we live in the power of our True Self?
➼ Because of the Double Bind: we’re not allowed to actually have our needs met BUT we can’t NOT have them. (ACoA Double Messages)
So, many of us try & fail, try & fail – over & over….. ending up hopeless, depressed & wanting to give up. Because of our childhood training, the brain becomes wired to only see ourselves & the world thru the eyes of dysfunction. We sabotage any goal which doesn’t conform to that training, which Freud called the “repetition compulsion”.

Our WIC thoroughly believes our only option is to stay attached to the family because they say they love us – of course – & the WIC is desperate to believe it, even tho’ we have years & years of proof to the contrary. To deny what we know, we keep obeying the PP voice & it’s toxic rules, (“If you don’t like it you have to stay”), since we assume that:
— the world isn’t safe AND we are sure that we are basically bad!
— if only we could be ‘perfect’ they’d finally, truly approve & love us

self-argumentSO – what are our deepest, most pervasive beliefs (Part 1)? What drives our goals & our actions?
Most of the time it’s the WIC’s cognitive distortions. Even if ACoAs can identify appropriate goals, we either sabotage our progress or can’t implement them at all. This is because it would mean disobeying the PP in our head & being disloyal to still-living family members. So instead, we’ve been using all sorts of dysfunctional PPT as a reason to act – on anything except our own need, dreams, desires & feelings! (motivators)

NEXT: Goals to meet needs #3

ACoAs – Set GOALS to MEET NEEDS (Part 1c)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Goals to needs met (1b)

SITE: The Ladder of Progress (6/15/2012)

 

1. GOALS (cont.)
ACoAs
We need to be sure we’re working toward the correct goals – ones that can help us grow into our True Self.
Using the ladder-analogy of making progress, many of us find half way thru life that our ladder was up against the wrong wall the whole time!

Even so, if we’ve been able to scaling the business or social ladder with some success, for sure we’ve done it by our own abilities.
Yet the area chosen may not be what we deep-down wanted, but rather unconsciously a copy of our parent’s work-style, or maybe what was chosen for us by family, or something we’re doing to spite them, or something to show off.

• When we DO have an idea of what to do, ACoAs need to ask ourself:
— “Whose goal is this anyway – my PP, the WIC ?”  When a need/goal comes from either one, it’s not safe to follow through
— OR do I have a strong enough UNIT (Healthy Adult/Loving Parent) to do the very best I can for my True self, overriding the unhealthy voices?

EXPs of some inappropriate goals:
• when the WIC wants that ‘special’ man or woman for themself, but that person is an addict, married, ‘crazy’, &/or just not interested. The child will obsess, chase, cling, beg, or withdraw from life, sulking & wounded, OR be angry & demanding, just wanting-what-it-wantsin live with shrink

• when our WIC thinks we have to become the most powerful / famous person, no matter what it takes & who we step on, & that will get the approval of the PP + the attention / validation from everyone else in the world as compensation for parental rejection – to feel OK about ourself

• when we stay attached to abusive parents to insure getting their money, or an abusive mate to prevent losing security, money, position, sense of identity…..afraid to leave people or jobs, to risk going after what’s most natural for us & would make us happy ….

GOALS that benefit us require KNOWING:
✧ enough about our True Self (which is always there from birth, no matter how buried & denied)
✧ that we’re basically safe, which lessens anxiety (free-floating terror), so we can take reasonable risks
✧ that nothing we do is perfect, can’t be perfect (because humans aren’t) & should not even be thought of in those terms
KNOWING:
✧ there are a variety of options to choose from
✧ and believing in a positive, achievable future for ourself
✧ we’re allowed to follow our own path, even if others don’t approve or understand
✧ we have a right to use our talents, strengths, experience & knowledge
✧ it’s OK to be positively powerful, effective & productive

It’s well known that people who write down their goals accomplish much more than those who do not. But for ACoAs, putting this off not unusual or surprising. WE have to make a determined effort to go against our inertia, perfectionism, procrastination, toxic family rules….. & start somewhere!many choices
For some encouragement: In 1979, interviewers asked new graduates from the Harvard’s MBA Program about having written goals:
— 84% no specific goals // 13% had goals, but not written
— 3% had clear, written goals & plans to accomplish them

In 1989, the same graduates were interviewed
— The 13% were earning about twice as much as the 84%
— Amazingly, the 3% were earning about 10x as much as the other 97%

FROM “Beginner’s Guide to Goal Setting” ~ Michael Hyatt 
1. Only focus on a few goals. Productivity studies show you really can’t deal with more than 5–7 items at any one time. Concentrate on the aims you can repeat from memory

2. Make them “S.M.A.R.T.”: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely (Explanation…)
write goals3. Write them down. Even without an action plan – yet – it states your intention & can get things moving (Book…)

4. Reviewing them often turns them into reality. Ask: “What’s the next step to move me toward this goal?”, which can inspire & be part of your daily activities

5. Share the goals selectively. While some authors suggest taking them public, Derek Sivers, in his 2010 TED talk, pointed out that airing your goals indiscriminately makes them less likely to happen. So it’s best to only tell those people committed to encouraging &/or helping you achieve them.

NEXT:  Goals to get needs met #2a

ACoAs – Set GOALS to MEET NEEDS (Part 1b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , , ,

lots of ideasPREVIOUS: Getting needs met (1a)

SITE: “Understanding Self-Sabotage”

POST : Category #2 = “Personality Needs“

☀︎ ACoAs Manipulating Self & Others – #1

1. GOALS (cont.)
ACoAs : Needs 
In order to get our needs met we must first identify what those are, have internal permission to pursue them, & then search out & use as many resources as are available to us to  provide them. We can not wait for or depend on others to meet all our needs – others are only meant to be a support & company on our life’s journey – not substitute parents!

While we may not always know what we want to do “when we grow up”, taking any positive action can get our engine started – especially if the activities are things we have been interested in since childhood we stopped or never pursued. Taking a class or joining a ‘topics’ group (such as in MeetUp) may lead us to new ideas, possibilities & friends or mentors.
Setting goals is a fundamental part of getting our needs met, first the cognitive component (idea), managing our anxiety (emotions), & then taking the necessary actions. (T.E.A.)

Most ACoAs either :no needs for WIC
⇒ have a lot of trouble making decisions – we aren’t allowed to know or admit what we really need & want
⇒ can’t afford to risk making a mistake lest we get punished, & we want to avoid being disappointed yet again
⇒ OR make decisions impulsively, without considering results – the possible consequences to ourselves or others – ☂︎ all based on childhood brain-washing.

• So many of our childhood needs were not met – correctly – which left us with the clear message that we’re not supposed to want or need anything for ourself! Even if we did get some Physical ones (roof, food, clothes, schooling….) – which was a plus & allowed us to survive – the good things were undermined by all the neglect & abuse in the other PMES categories, especially Emotional. And for many of us even the P category was contaminated by beatings, incest, lack of basic provisions….

• This damaging background has created a great dilemma for us, a double bind that keeps many of us stuck WE:
a. are not allowed to have needs, especially emotional ones, BUT
b. still have them ALL – we can not get rid of needs – no matter how hard we try to ignore & suppress them!
EXP: As mentioned before, a newcomer to Al-Anon figured out in a 4th-Step meeting that her belief was: “My biggest character defect is my need for love!” WHY? because she grew up feeling unloved, yet still desperately longed for it. Wasn’t it foolish to want something she was sure she had no right to & would never get?  (See “Unrealistic Expectations”)

what goals?• Our childhood experience was of endless ‘sameness’ – the same drinking, the same unfairness, the same neglect, the same loneliness, the same terror…..
NOW we still live as if we have no options.
So to form deliberate, conscious goals is not easy for many ACoAs – even for those of us who’ve achieved some success in career, yet also subtly recreate early family patterns in both work & personal life.
Ironically, most ACoAs are best at what we like to do the least! There is less threat of it being taken away.

As Adults we’re still trapped in the hopelessness of ever being able to reach our TRUE goals, whatever they may be. For many of us, the idea of possibilities was not part of the mental vocabulary in our family , WE:
— didn’t have the option of using our imagination for ourself, except maybe as a way to escape the pain we were constantly in, AND
— used our creativity to figure out ways to keep our parents, siblings, mates, children… from total self-destruction

This makes it imperative to remember “I know what I know”, since we have our own native wisdom! The Healthy Child has always known a great many things which never got acknowledged or have been too painful to remember. Now in Recovery the Good Parent we are developing can listen to our still small voice, available to redirect the decision process to help us get the best outcomes. (See RIGHTS & Self-esteem posts)

Robert Sharma’s 5 Steps for Goal Setting
1. Celebrate: write down – in detail – things you’ve done in the past year you can appreciate yourself for. What are your big AND small achievements?

2. Education // 3. Clarification  // 4. Graduation // 5. Visualization

NEXT: Goals to meet needs  (1c)

ACoAs – Set GOALS to MEET NEEDS (Part 1a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , ,

GOALSPREVIOUS:
ACoAs Manipulating
Self & others, #3b


SITE: LIST of Personal Needs

SEE ACRONYM page for abbrev.


Process includes 3 PARTS : GOALS, Implementation & People.
In terms of T.E.A., this topic focuses on the A. (actions), since just thinking (T) about what we want is not enough, althought it is the starting point.  THEN we have to act on our own behalf.
1. GOALS
Psychologist tell us that people who make consistent progress toward meaningful goals live happier, more satisfied lives than those who don’t.

PURPOSE: Goal-setting is absolutely necessary & appropriate in order for us to be  successful – when it’s grounded in our Rights as human beings AND in our own personal interests. Goals are a normal part of Adult thinking, providing long-term vision & short-term motivation.
Clearly defined goals:
bulls eye- goal• potentially minimizes procrastination & confusion (but doesn’t eliminate it, since they still has to acted on)
• can help to organize our time & resources
• let us know what additional info we need to gather, if any
• allow us to observe & acknowledge progress as we go along, even if the process is hard work & it takes a long time to ‘arrive’
• help us measure & take pride in successful outcomes, which raises self-confidence

Before taking an action, especially when the outcome is important to us, the questions we need to be clear about are : —> “What is my surface goal? then —> what’s under that? & then —> what’s my motivation? then —> under everything, what’s my deepest, perhaps unconscious, desire/wish/hope in this situation?”
➼ Every action we take – or inaction – is driven by a goal – to find food, to not get fired, to buy something we want or need, to hang on to a relationship, to avoid pain, to please an authority, to learn something new, to entertain ourselves, to express creativity, to be accepted, protect loved ones……
➼ and all goals are based on some need, normal human needs such as acceptance, attention, achievement, comfort, connection, knowledge, love, safety, shelter, validation….. needs in all 4 PMES categories.

➼ Each action aimed at reaching a goal:
• is a decision, often unconscious (3 Posts) ⇓
• which is based on our individual idea about how to achieve that (procedure) ⇓
• which in turn is formed by our most basic beliefs / rules about ourselves & how things function in the world.

EXP: Goal : To cross the street
〰️ Beliefs / rules — I can get to the other side safely, always look both ways, don’t run into traffic or you can get hurt or killed, jay-walking will get you a ticket (in some places), if you’re with someone else make sure they’re safe too …..
〰️ Procedure – Stop at the corner, wait until the light is green, then go

• Appropriate goals & healthy ways of achieving them are based on knowing who we are & our Human Rights .
Recovery EXP: 15 minutes before an evening lecture in a big auditorium a janitor is buffing the front vestibule floor, with the door wide open – so the noise is quite disruptive to the waiting audience. Bev goes out to ask the man to close the door. He completely ignores her, even though she stands there briefly to make sure he’s heard her. Nothing. She goes back to her seat. A minute later a man from the audience does the same – & the janitor closes the door!

noiseQs: ACoAs – If you were Bev:
— How would you be feeling – anger, resentment, S-H, shame…. ? and,
— What would you be thinking? “That <**☹︎**>, how dare he ignore me?…. / I should have been more forceful / I shouldn’t have bothered him / he’s a chauvinist pig….”
— Would your goal have been to get the noise down PLUS be validated, respected, honored – as a female, by a hostile male?

• What was Bev’s goal? ONLY to dampen the noise. She was willing to make the effort, which was appropriate, but how it got done did not matter to her!
When we function from our True Self, with enough validation & support in our life from ourselves & from legitimate sources, we don’t try to get it (or demand it) from people who can’t or won’t give it!

NEXT: Getting needs met (1b)