ACoAs – Set GOALS to MEET NEEDS (Part 1c)

PREVIOUS: Goals to needs met (1b)

SITE: The Ladder of Progress (6/15/2012)


1. GOALS (cont.)
We need to be sure we’re working toward the correct goals – that can help us grow into our True Self.
If we think of the ladder-analogy of making progress, many of us find half way thru life that our ladder was up against the wrong wall the whole time!  If we’ve been scaling the business or social ladder, for sure we’ve done it by our own abilities.

But the area chosen may not be what we deep-down wanted, but rather unconsciously a copy of our parent’s work-style, or maybe what was chosen for us by family, or something we’re doing to spite them, or something to show off.

• When we DO have an idea of what to do, ACoAs need to ask ourselves:
— “Whose goal is this anyway – my PP or the WIC?”  When a need/goal come from either one, it’s not safe to follow through
— OR do I have a strong enough UNIT (Healthy Adult/Loving Parent) to do the very best I can for my Adult Self & Inner Child, overriding the unhealthy voices?

in live with shrink

EXPs of some inappropriate goals:
• when the WIC wants that ‘special’ man or woman for themselves, but that person is married, ‘crazy’, &/or just not interested. The child will obsess, chase, cling, beg, or withdraw from life, sulking & wounded, OR be angry & demanding, just wanting-what-it-wants

• when our WIC thinks we have to become the most powerful / famous person, no matter what it takes & who we step on, & that will get the approval of the PP + the attention / validation from everyone else in the world as compensation for parental rejection – to feel OK about ourselves

• when we stay attached to abusive parents to insure getting their money, or an abusive mate to prevent losing security, money, position, sense of identity…..afraid to leave people or jobs, to risk going after what’s most natural for us & would make us happy ….

GOALS that benefit us require KNOWING:
✧ enough about our True Self (which is always there from birth, no matter how buried & denied)
✧ that we’re basically safe, which lessens anxiety (free-floating terror), so we can take reasonable risks
✧ that nothing we do is perfect, can’t be perfect (because humans aren’t) & should not even be thought of in those terms
✧ there are a variety of options to choose frommany choices
✧ and believing in a positive, achievable future for ourself
✧ we’re allowed to follow our own path, even if others don’t approve or understand
✧ we have a right to use our strengths, experience & knowledge
✧ it’s OK to be positively powerful, effective & productive

It’s well known that people who write down their goals accomplish much more than those who do not. But for ACoAs, putting this off not unusual or surprising. WE have to make a determined effort to go against our inertia, perfectionism, procrastination, toxic family rules….. & start somewhere!
For some encouragement: 
In 1979, interviewers asked new graduates from the Harvard’s MBA Program about having written goals:
— 84% no specific goals // 13% had goals, but not written
3% had clear, written goals & plans to accomplish them

In 1989, the same graduates were interviewed
— The 13% were earning about twice as much as the 84%
— Amazingly, the 3% were earning about 10x as much as the other 97%

FROM “Beginner’s Guide to Goal Setting” ~ Michael Hyatt 
1. Only focus on a few goals. Productivity studies show you really can’t deal with more than 5–7 items at any one time. Concentrate on the aims you can repeat from memory

2. Make them “S.M.A.R.T.”: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely (Explanation…)
write goals
3. Write them down. Even without an action plan – yet – it states your intention & can get things moving (Book…)

4. Reviewing them often turns them into reality. Ask: “What’s the next step to move me toward this goal?”, which can inspire & be part of your daily activities

5. Share the goals selectively. While some writers suggest taking them public, Derek Sivers, in his 2010 TED talk, pointed out that airing your goals indiscriminately makes them less likely to happen. So it’s best to only tell those people committed to encouraging &/or helping you achieve them.

NEXT:  Goals to get needs met #2

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