SITE: “What to do when unclear, confused ….”
QUOTEs: “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. ~ Hans Hofmann, German artist
• “However confused the scene of our life appears… it can be faced, & we can go on to be whole” ~ Muriel Rukeyser, American writer 1913-1980
RECOVERY CONFUSION is NORMAL (cont)
c. what we know vs don’t know
d. because of incongruity
e. family influences
What are ACoAs primarily ADDICTED to? Our family!
They installed our buttons & they can push them all too easily – any time we’re in contact with them. BUT not forever! Recovery does provide relief with S & I.
However, until then, dealing with our family (especially parents) means we can still be influenced by their dis-ease :
• In recovery, part of what confused us is that we underplay / deny how great our damage really is. Assuming it “wasn’t that bad” makes it harder to appreciate how much work it takes to heal
• The WIC wants to be loyal to them to not feel abandoned & to not abandon them! “I have to listen to my family. They KNOW. I’m wrong & they’re right…..”
All of this creates internal conflict (dissonance), having one foot in the old & one in the new – about ideas, patterns, awarenesses, choices… old introject (PP) tapes still blaring their poison, competing with the new info we’ve been learning. Very confusing. Who should we listen to?
We keep wondering: “What’s true? Am I just feeling my parents’ pain for them – so they don’t have to (because they don’t want to)? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Am I depressed? Why can’t I get it? There are so many versions of ‘health’, & what about Spirituality & Forgiveness? Aren’t I supposed to turn the other cheek, take the high road?….”
Any time we get stuck in some area of life – we want to do it differently, but can’t seem to move – it means we’re in serious conflict – & the negative side is winning. Then we have to find out what the PP & WIC are thinking & feeling, so we can identify the “Negative Benefit” of not moving forward.
As we stay on the Path to mental health, we begin to experience our own Inner Truth. With the right info & support these Qs are answered & things get clearer.
f. because of the contrast – between:
• the way we were treated by our family & other abandoning, abusive, neglectful, torturing adults (school, religion, caretakers…)
• the way healthy, respectful, kind, loving PPT treat us – in the present – once we have enough self-esteem to place ourselves in saner situations.
This new way of being treated is a tectonic shift & represents our growth! But at first the contrast just doesn’t compute, doesn’t feel real, can’t last, is an accident….
Our discomfort with ‘goodness’ points out the severity of the early abuse & neglect, which brings up rage & sorrow. Eventually we come to live ‘in the light’ of the positive, which then becomes the new norm!
CAUTION: S & I is very scary to the WIC, & intensely resisted by our PP. So, as we move away from damaged thinking & acting, there’s a strong pull to revert! The Program reminds us that our ‘disease’ is “cunning, baffling & insidious!”
It’s as if it has a life of it’s own & doesn’t want to be left behind.
SO – practice disobeying the Toxic family Rules – no matter how confusing. When we backslide / regress – we do NOT have to stay there! We will feel guilty at first, but that will pass as we keep up the self-care.
So, even when we hear the old tapes, they won’t be as loud – most of the time. We may still get confused occasionally, but now we have new tapes with better info, & slowly we get less trapped between loyalty to the family vs. loyalty to ourselves!
NEXT: Confusion #4d