PREVIOUS: CONCLUSIONS (# 2b)

POST: “Use THINK instead of Feel”

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

2. CONCLUSIONS – OUR THINKING (cont)
🔩 IT’S ALL THEM – Perpetrators (cont)

▶ Another negative approach (Ts)
c. COUNTER-PHOBIA (cont. from 2b)
DEF: taking pleasure in pursuing risky or dangerous activities that other people would normally find anxiety provoking. It’s a manic defense of the False Self, used to master anxiety – a compulsive way to have a sense of power & control.
Some CDs are ‘Minimizing, Always being Right,  Egocentric bias’….

This group actively looks for the kinds of people, places & things no healthy person would touch, experiencing them as a challenge – everything from:
• tumultuous & unsafe relationships with crazies & abusers, to
• running across the street just as the traffic is staring to move, to
• manic careers (show biz agent, inner-city cop, broker/ trader…), to
• life-threatening sports, addiction to promiscuity, illegal substances….

IRONY: On the one hand – this form of defense keeps us from having to slow down & feel the intense panic, loneliness & vulnerability of our childhood.
On the outside it looks like we’re nothing like ‘them’, doing our own thing, living far away & with people the very antithesis of our background. We’ve rebelled & think we’re safely away from the family!

On the other hand – it’s just another way wounded ACoAs use the dangerous aspects of the world to reinforce the connection to our dangerous family.  We’re just as hooked to our past as the Victims – because as counter-phobics we’re emotionally & mentally dishonest with ourselves

While we’re busy running, running, running, we keep attaching ourselves to environments that are degrading & debilitating, & to people who are disrespectful, taking advantage while laughing at us – just like at home.
We’ve done the very opposite of our original goal – instead of winning, we’ve added more pain. In a convoluted way we’re still doing everything to not let go of our parents, even if it kills us – WHICH IT MAY. Then wonder why we’re still so angry!

Some counter-phobics eventually some big changes, because:
• something in our life changes dramatically (illness, accident or death)
• a parent or spouse dumps us & we’re on our own, finally facing the void inside
• we hit a personal bottom & go into Recovery, thawing some of the numbness

When we finally start to let go of all those ‘balls in the air’ that kept us distracted, we’re in for a hard time, at first.  As the denial gets stripped away, we can feel:
• extremely depressed & bored, longing for the old excitement
• be full of anxiety, to the point of panic attacks, & for a few even a hospitalization

ENNEAGRAM EXP : The #6 personality comes in 2 styles, Fearful or Counter-phobic. In the latter, there’s an ambivalence that shows up as a defiance against whatever they find threatening, while unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. Ignoring authority, they can be aggressive & anti-authoritarian. But it also allows them to be good in a crisis.
EXP: Susan Sarandon’s role in Safe Passage. (More…. )

NOTE: For the most part, counter-phobics are strong-willed people who have a backlog of accomplishments, skill & guts. Before Recovery these were often put to the ‘wrong’ use:
• not for our own benefit, (care-taking, promoting others’ careers)
• for doing some kind of harm to self or others
• in work or career not compatible with our soul’s purpose

IN RECOVERY those positive qualities can be used to:
🌟 face our deepest damage, slowly & safely feeling the pain covered over by rage & hyper-activity
🌟 rebuild / redirect our work life, based on accumulated knowledge & experiences
🌟 choose friends & mates already able to ‘give’, not just take, so we don’t have to be drained by rescuing the victims of the world

With healing & support we can stop denying our ‘soft underbelly’, while appreciating our strengths. Our determination & persistence allow us to create a balance between DOing & BEing.

NEXT: ACTIONS #1a

 PREVIOUS CONCLUSIONS re. Painful Events (#1a)

SITE: How to have a Positive Relationship with a Narcissistic Parent (Deepak)

2. CONCLUSIONS – OUR THINKING (cont)
💦 IT’S ALL ME (cont): It’s my fault, I’m bad, dumb, weak, lazy….
☁︎ Our Core emotion is FEAR

i. As OVERT Victims – Some of us see everything thru the ‘hopelessness’ lens. Not just the world being against us, but the whole universe.  When disappointed, many ACoAs will say “I guess the universe (or God) doesn’t want me to have that!”
NO, it’s not that.
Instead, maybe we:
• are’t ready yet to receive it (unconsciously blocking OR we need to do / become something else – first)
• are impatient – some things need repetition or just take longer
• asked for the impossible (expecting a narcissist to ‘see’ us)
• have to keep trying & not give up so fast
Maybe we:
• had a legitimate goal but our timing was off. Try later
• stay with totally inappropriate people (bad, or just not for us)
• used a self-defeating approach, or didn’t have enough info
• went to the wrong place or person for our need

EXPs:
📌 Jordi is learning the bass guitar & decides to try out for a band, but is not asked to join. He thinks it means he’ll never be able to be a musician & stops practicing
📌 April is an artist with talent but not much training & low self-esteem. She needs an income so she takes a job in a real estate company, but hardly ever makes a sale.  Eventually she leaves, convinced she’s a failure & will never do anything well

✳️ Behind the helpless victim stance is the WIC’s demand to be taken care of (‘Unrealistic Expectations’), so we keep waiting. It’s easier to think we’re worthless & unworthy than to do the hard work of becoming our own Loving Parent/ Healthy Adult (UNIT)

REALITY: just because we’re in pain doesn’t mean we caused it!  We may have contributed to the outcome, but not necessarily.
• Sometimes people just step on our emotional toes, & don’t even know it!
• Many times there are life-stresses & unforeseen events we have no control over
• Sometimes bad things happen to good people, which has nothing to do with us, so it’s arrogant & immature (the WIC) to think we did

ii. As COVERT Victims
Functional ACoAs would never think of ourselves as victims (heaven forbid!) – the caretakers/ rescuers, rage-aholics/ bullies, over-achievers… but whenever something goes wrong for us, we end up in our own version of a mental hole.

We’re secretly suspicious that somehow we’re responsible for the painful situation – after all – didn’t we do everything right? our way? What did we miss?
Even accomplished professional ACoAs say they’re afraid someone will eventually find out they’re ‘a fraud’!

• We really don’t have permission to get our needs met, since one Toxic Rule is “You have to struggle but never get there.” Yet we do try anyway (Heroes are such hard workers!), always falling short of our deepest desires

EXP:  ACoA Hero-types put much effort into being ‘superior’, both to make the family look good, & to cover our deep-seated feelings of powerlessness & vulnerability. As kids we were expected to be perfect! Anything less is our failure

Some definitely want a long-term relationship, others a cherished career, others to be rich…. & most ACoAs desperately want our family to love & treat us well. When we’re disappointed in any of these, we find it hard to not be mentally confused & emotionally devastated

✒️ One way to check if we’re still functioning as (secret) victims, no matter how hidden, is to make a list of all the:
▪︎ unkind names or phrases our family called us, and any that we now apply to ourselves – lazy, over-sensitive, selfish….. (CD: “Mislabeling”)
▪︎ perfectionistic ‘shoulds’ we use in hopes of making ourselves take actions we’re resisting – “I should have known / done that…”. (CD: “Shoulds”).

❣️ When we change our negative thinking AND do emotional release work, that sensitivity & powerlessness diminishes (but doesn’t totally disappear), & then our suffering lessens.

NEXT: CONCLUSIONS (Part 2a)

PREVIOUS: “What just happened” (#2)

POST: Types of “THOUGHTS” (re. T.E.A.)

PURPOSE of the INVENTORY cont. (in Part 4)
1. Ourselves  // 2. What

3. WHO you’re dealing with – what do we know about this person, or this type?
The more we know about damaged people in general, the better prepared we are to deal with them – BUT coming from our Healthy Adult.
✶ People tell us about themselves ALL the time! We just have to pay attention!

• Point # 2 is about us (previous post), while #3 is about the other person – whether we’ve seen them before, actually know them, or not at all.
• Are they very rageful, passive-aggressive, sadistic, narcissistic, manipulative, people-pleasing, needy, controlling, withholding….? Read, learn, know – about each. We likely grew up with people just like this one!

THEY CAN BE:
a. person we don’t know very well, or at all –  a one time event
b. family member, with similar recurring painful episodes. We keep going back for more abuse because we still don’t have enough self-esteem & good boundaries

c. spouse or mate, with whom we have periodic flareups. It’s someone we want to keep them in our life?, or should we really leave but aren’t ready to
d. long-time friend who’s like our damaged family in many ways, likely not in any kind of recovery, OR has not done their FoO work. They’ve been there for us in some ways over the years, but the relationship is co-dependent, where we’re either the people-pleaser / rescuer or their victim

** This is not to ignore the fact that we may indeed love some of these people, & will continue a relationship with them. What type & to what degree will depend on how well we’re able to protect & defend ourselves around them.
Don’t be fooled by the Positive Psychology crowd who try to convince us that everyone “did the best they could”, which is rarely true!

CORRECTION
• That message makes it too easy for us to white-wash bad behavior. The reason this saying ↗️ is so insidious for ACoAs is that it reinforces our denial AND it teaches us not to hold others accountable. The combination feeds our S-H. Just because someone doesn’t ‘mean’ to hurt us doesn’t exonerate them from being responsible for their actions & words.

• At the same time, we need to help the WIC get it that very little said & done AT us is about US (about our personality, our identity). We don’t cause how others react to us, even when we’re ‘at fault’ in some way (saying or doing something insensitive).
We know this because a different person will have a totally different reaction to the same behavior from us. The more we understand & believe that, the easier it’ll be to stand up against the thoughtless, the insensitives or the aggressors.

4. HOW we can be more empowered
a. (T) MENTAL – Practice, over & over ahead of time, words / phrases you can use when under stress. New pathways in the brain need to be formed, so we won’t automatically repeat old reactions & behaviors

b. (E) EMOTIONAL – In general, stay awake for our emotional reactions to every situation we find ourselves in – pleasant, neutral or unpleasant. This does NOT mean being on guard, self-conscious, or being rigid with ourselves.
Just be gently aware of what’s going on inside, whenever possible. Always come from a loving, patient place!

c. (A) ACTIONS – Learn appropriate responses we can use in the future, prepare in advance for some situations, practice with safe people (friends, healers…), do Inner Child writing, repeatedly visualize new behaviors…. to de-sensitize the triggers we carry from old trauma

NEXT: 30 Qs