ACoA CONCLUSIONS re. Painful Events (Part 2c)


 

PREVIOUS: CONCLUSIONS (# 2b)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

 

2. CONCLUSIONS – OUR THINKING (cont)
🔩 IT’S ALL THEM – Perpetrators (cont)
THEY are crazy, mean, unfair, stupid, stupid, stupid!

Another negative approach (Ts)

iii. COUNTER-PHOBIA (cont. from 2b)
DEF:
taking pleasure in pursuing risky or dangerous activities that other people would normally find anxiety provoking. It’s a manic defense the False Self, uses to master anxiety – a compulsive way to have a sense of power & control.
Some CDs are ‘Minimizing, Always being Right,  Egocentric bias’….

This group actively looks for the kinds of people, places & things no healthy person would touch, experiencing them as a challenge – everything from :
• running across the street just as the traffic is staring to move, to
• tumultuous & unsafe relationships with crazies & abusers, to
• manic careers (show biz agent, inner-city cop, broker/ trader…), to
• life-threatening sports, addiction to promiscuity, illegal substances….

IRONY: On the one hand – this form of defense keeps us from having to slow down & feel the intense panic, loneliness & vulnerability of our childhood.
On the outside it looks like we’re nothing like ‘them’, doing our own thing, living far away & with people the very antithesis of our background. We’ve rebelled & think we’re safely away from the family!

On the other hand – it’s just another way wounded ACoAs use the dangerous aspects of the world to reinforce the connection to our dangerous family.  We’re just as hooked to our past as the Victims – because as counter-phobics we’re emotionally & mentally dishonest with ourselves

While we’re busy running, running, running, we keep attaching ourselves to environments that are degrading & debilitating, & to people who are disrespectful, taking advantage while laughing at us – just like at home.
We’ve done the very opposite of our original goal – instead of winning, we’ve added more pain. In a convoluted way we’re still doing everything to not let go of our parents, even if it kills us. Then wonder why we’re still so angry!

Some counter-phobics eventually will make some big changes, because:
• something in our life changes dramatically (illness, accident or death)
• a parent or spouse dumps us & we’re on our own, finally facing the void inside
• we hit a personal bottom & go into Recovery, thawing some of the numbness

When we finally start to let go of all those ‘balls in the air’ that kept us distracted, we’re in for a hard time, at Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.11.05 AMfirst.  As the denial gets stripped away, we can feel:
• extremely depressed & bored, longing for the old excitement
• be full of anxiety, to the point of panic attacks, & for a few even a hospitalization

ENNEAGRAM: The #6 personality comes in 2 styles, Fearful or Counter-phobic. In the latter, there’s an ambivalence that shows up as a defiance against whatever they find threatening, while unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. Ignoring authority, they can be aggressive & anti-authoritarian. But it also allows them to be good in a crisis.
EXP: Susan Sarandon’s role in Safe Passage. (More…. )

NOTE: For the most part, counter-phobics are strong-willed people who have a backlog of accomplishments, skill & guts. Before Recovery these were often put to the ‘wrong’ use:
• not for our own benefit, (care-taking, promoting others’ careers)
• for some kind of harm, to self or others
• in our work or career not compatible with our soul’s purpose

IN RECOVERY those positive qualities can be used to:Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.10.25 AM
🌟 face our deepest damage, slowly & safely feeling the pain covered over by rage & hyper-activity
🌟 rebuild / redirect our work life, based on accumulated knowledge & experiences
🌟 choose friends & mates already able to ‘give’, not just take, so we don’t have to be drained by rescuing the victims of the world

With healing & support we can stop denying our ‘soft underbelly’, while appreciating our strengths. Our determination & persistence allow us to create a balance between DOing & BEing.

NEXT: ACTIONS #1a

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