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SITE: ”7 Realizations to Help You Deal with Feeling Judged”
➖ Being Judged – (Usually) being told / have it implied that there’s something terribly wrong with your fundamental identity (Mother to daughter: “You’re not smart enough to become a doctor” / “You’ll be the death of me yet” …)
➖ ‘Negative’ Opinions: When someone says what they think or feel about something or someone – having nothing to do with the object or person of their criticism (I hate that hairdo / That’s being done backwards / That’s no way to….. )
➖ Being criticized – when a mistake in our behavior is pointed out – OR when our behavior or communication is disliked by the criticizer.
The critic may or may not include telling you how you ‘should’ do do/say it correctly. But it’s often done with anger, disdain, superiority – in order to control & manipulate.
In rare cases it’s done with caring & good will, if the person is healthy & you’ve agreed to learn from them
Given a suggestion – When we’re offered a better way of doing something – to make it easier or better for us, or our environment
EXP: “If you added an aspirin to the water, the flowers would last longer / When you travel, why not take less luggage?…”).
Done with kindness, respect & from a genuine desire to help
➕ Having Good Judgement : realistically choosing —
☆ between an objective positive or negative alternative
EXP: That fruit is spoiled, I’ll take the fresh one / The left trail is safer than the right one….)
☆ between things that do or do not personally suits you
EXP: I’m allergic to sugar, so I use honey / I regularly watch comedy shows but never horror movies)
✔️ Being judged vs. legitimate criticism
★ Judgmental comments are about the essence (being) of something or someone, & is generalized to the whole category (Blue is ugly, all men are pigs….) , while —
☆ Legitimate Criticism is aimed at someone’s behavior (doing)(hitting your little sister is not OK & not allowed) or the state of something (that house is a mess, & needs a lot of repairs)
Children & wounded adults rarely make the distinction between BE-ing & DO-ing. So – it’s imperative for ACoAs to ‘hear’ whether we’re being told something about our behavior (speech or actions) vs. our identity.
Attacks on the latter is absolutely not acceptable, & healthy adults don’t stoop to this low blow anyway (usually), nor tolerate it from others
ACoAs confuse criticism with abuse
Legitimate criticism is an ‘evaluation of the merits or weaknesses of an action, choice, decision, thought process….’ , & at its best used as a method of correction.
It is NOT a de-valuation of our whole being or identity! as ACoAs feel/ believe.
We confuse or blend the two because:
a. In the past – our family almost always judged & misjudged, attacked & humiliated us. There was little or no balance provided : no praise, encouragement or patience – when we couldn’t do something the first time, or perfectly – and without guidance or when we were too young
b. Now, having absorbed the original abuse into our PigP, it has become the essence of our S-H. So any slight ‘disapproval’, or even a correction from others is taken as a personal indictment
OUR confusion, because of a Double Bind: (see D.Message)
★ on the one hand we agree with them
Any time others are not positive & supportive, S-H flares up because it mirrors what our PigP has been saying/ implying all along, AND which the WIC believes as absolute truth.
When someone points out something they consider to be our imperfections – even when it’s only their opinion or projection – we feel exposed & worthless, endlessly obsessing about what we did wrong
♦︎ on the other hand we’re resentful
We hate the person who hurt our feelings, or makes us feel disrespected…. We’re depressed or rageful, BUT on our high-horse, thinking “Who do they think they are saying that to me, judging me, ignoring me?” ….
We ruminate about what we should have said, what we will say or do to get back at them, that we’ll get them to see how wrong they were, wanting to justify ourself to them….. we go round-&-round, digging our hole even deeper, getting nowhere.
NEXT: Criticism (Part 2)