acoa recovery

Relationship STAGES

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GOOD RELATIONSHIPS TAKE TIME!
You mean I have to wait?

PREVIOUS: Results of abuse (the LL)

STAGES    
These 8 stages show the ‘normal’ progression for people to move from stranger to long-term partners, & apply to all types of relationships.

NOTE: The columns are not about ROMANTIC connections (as developed in Stage 6), which is given below the chart

• Stages 1 & 2 are the ones most people fall into – in relation to each of us. They have to do with the people we pass every day & barely notice

• #2 thru 5 are the stages we should go thru to form any connection, regardless of gender or sexual interest.  This can take anywhere from a year, to 4 or 5 ys, depending on how often you communicate, actually see each other & each person’s level of emotional availability

• #6 should come after some of the other steps have been worked thru, but with sex added in, steps 2-5 usually come later, if there’s enough to hold our interest. Those stages should still be given lots of time

• #7  As we becomes more aware of others (moving further down the continuum), the more of ourself comes onto play. This level of commitment needs to be the result of other steps, rather than the beginning – like how ACoAs do it!

• #8 If the other stages have been worked thru as honestly as we can, this one will be a mostly functional & happy one, because we’ve done our due-diligence, picking a more suitable partner & being less reactive ourselves.

 

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP STAGES
1. “HONEYMOON”  (2 mths – 2 yrs.) When we idealize the other person. It’s wrapped in an air of excitement & optimism, when anything seems possible

2. POWER STRUGGLE – The couple begins to see the differences between them & notice things they don’t have in common. This is when people can easily pull apart, even divorce

3. STABILITY – This is available if the power struggles (“Who’s in Charge?”) can be resolved amicably & fairly, so neither partner is the underdog

4. COMMITMENT – If marriage has not already occurred, it’s likely to occur at this stage. Partners know each other well, & realize they don’t ne-e-e-d each other, but want to be together

5. CO-CREATION – When partners move out into the world, from having children to participating in joint business or other kinds of ventures.  (MORE….)

NEXT: Relationship CONTINUUM chart

Victimizing OURSELVES (Part 3)

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I DON’T KNOW WHY
they give me such a hard time!

PREVIOUS:
Victimizing Ourselves (#2)

SITE:  re. Emotions

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.) to Ourselves (cont.)
4. Confusion // 5. Staying Ignorant // 6. Letting others USE us

7. Lack of Self-Care
♟ We were originally subjected to many different kinds of PMES “care” – some parents were too rigid, some too lax.
a. In some families too much was expected of us (little adults) – to fend for ourselves &/or take care of others – way too early. We did what we could, but even if it was OK, we never believe it’s right or good enough (More….)

b. In others, the hero/martyr parent did too much, without teaching us how to do things – making us naive, ignorant or stupid – & dependent on others
c.  In yet others, they did way too little daily care & maintenance for us, so again we had to fake it – but trying, never learning to do things easily, correctly, efficiently, or at all.  (See Part 1 & 2)

♟  Now we don’t know adult self-care (balance a check book, make a resume, fill out forms…), or we do them sometimes but inconsistently, or simply refuse to do what we really do know how (brush teeth, go to the bathroom before bursting, get enough sleep, eat right, put laundry away …. )

ALSO, ACoAs keep putting off doing certain things we’d actually like to have (a clean house, mended clothes, a better education, shed weight…). We obsess about them, but ‘refuse’ to act – even though procrastinating makes us feel bad about ourselves. We can’t win for losing!
E.A.: disgust, frustration, guilt, shame, S-H

8. Repressing
It may seem strange at first, but shutting off emotions or trying to sit on them is definitely a form of E.A.! 
Unfortunately for the deluded part of us (PP & WIC) we can’t actually change or control Emotions by repressing, ignoring or denying them. We can only freeze them – but they’re still underneath, causing anxiety or painful numbness!

The more we try to control our Es, the stronger the unconscious counter-reaction, making us more & more frightened of ‘loosing control’. This leads to a vicious cycle of :
🥁 Having intense Es —> pushing them down (repression) —> then maybe acting them out – badly —> then having a negative internal reaction —> then shutting down again….. adding a mountain of stress to our already overflowing emotional pressure-cooker

EXP: Some of us can go day after day functioning normally on the outside, seemingly even-tempered & pleasant.  Then all of a sudden we over-react to something relatively trivial or harmless – as if out of nowhere. We can’t figure out what happened & everyone around us is shocked.
It’s one sign that we’re been stock-piling Es (old &new), instead of dealing with them as they come up.

Eventually suppressed Es fill our energy capacity to the brim (emotions = energy to act) & we explode in rage, in a panic attack &/or physical illness OR implode into depression, mental confusion & immobility (T.E.A.)repression explosion

• Unfortunately for our Inner Life, Western society was founded on Puritan stoicism, which included hiding emotions, being ashamed & afraid of them. This has been translated into political correctness – especially about showing Es in public, which are judged as ‘loosing it’ & a great sign of personal weakness.

People feel uncomfortable with anyone who expresses pain overtly!  Yet we are all born with Emotions, for good reasons, & need to accept & deal with them – appropriately
E.As: cut off – from amusement / humor, joy, love, sympathy….

9. Hurting others  (“How ACoAs Abandon Others” posts)
Here we’re talking about how we victimize ourselves by beating ourselves up  (S-H) for hours, days or years – for having been controlling, hostile, negligent, unfaithful, selfish …. to someone.
This is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions. While our behavior may have directly or adversely affected another person (or not), the internal backlash we suffer afterward is not worth the short-term satisfaction we got from acting out on them in the moment.

NEXT: Victimizing Others

Victimizing OURSELVES (Part 1)

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OH NO, I’M AGREEING – with my Bad Voice (again)

PREVIOUS: Abuse of children   

 

OLD PAIN vs. NEW PAIN
Old Pain (Abandonment) is made up of the daily misery we lived thru as kids, with no way to process or get help dealing with it.
It accumulated in our body & in our spirit, much of which eventually went underground, into our Shadow (the unconscious).

New Pain (Self-Hate) is the suffering we now do to ourself & allow** others do to us – acting-out our family’s training. This layer gets added to the old abandonment & the accumulation wears us into the ground.

**Re. “allow” : Denial makes it hard for us to recognize abuse as it’s happening, so we do not consciously choose to let others hurt us, but unconsciously gravitate to the familiar – & then stay!

• So it’s important to keep awake for what’s happening to us & around us. Having been exposed to rage, fear, neglect, disrespect, torture …. as kids, ACoAs are both drawn to AND are more deeply affected (badly) by negative people, places & things.

It’s like having an open wound that keeps getting bumped – it’s injured more & more, so it hurts worse, AND never has time to heal. We’re hyper-sensitive to uplifting and deflating energies, & need to stay away from harsh environments even more than ‘normals’ who are much less damaged.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.)  to Ourself
Keeping PMES in mind, most people think of abuse only in Physical terms (beatings), but the damage we originally sustained was first & foremost Emotional. From earliest childhood ACoAs were trained to tolerate abuse in both subtle & blatant forms, which then became our default position.
In order to stop being tortured unnecessarily – now, observe how you Victimize yourself in ways that keep wounding your feelings.

 1. Self-HateS-H heads
As adults the most violent source of E.A. is our own inner Pig Parent (PP) voice, which generates relentless negative beliefs & demands we listen to & believe. Many of our troubles come from the WIC obeying this Introjected part, not wanting to let go of old ways which represent loyalty to our family system.
Monster : “Self-Hate” expressed in T.E.A. forms
E.As : Terror, hopelessness, self-pity, FoA, loneliness, desperation

2. Addictions
Again, most of the focus is on the Physical damage & results we experienced, & not enough stress is put on the Emotional devastation . OUR addictions (food, sex, spending, work, relationships, exercise….) are specifically designed to repress / suppress painful Es & memories – to silence the PP voice which tortures the WIC!
E.As: Shame, S-H, guilt, hopelessness & abandonment fear – from Toxic beliefs, AND from the immature / harmful / crazy things addictions ‘make’ us do.

3. Going to the wrong people….
…. to share personal issues, secrets or deep pain with – as well as marry! Their worthless or harmful reactions make us feel worse – betrayed, alone, enraged, hopeless, suicidal.bad people
The key point here is that we often go to people we already know from experience are not safe, but refuse to acknowledge it!
We’ve been disrespected, blown off, controlled, told what to do – before– by these people, instead of just listening to us & being sympathetic, YET we keep going back!

☀︎ Our denial of past & present reality has turned into self-abuse!
At best those unsafe people are out-to-lunch, at worst they’re assaultive. ACoAs say: “But they’ve been there for me in the past, so I owe them gratitude & loyalty”.

Maybe they were OR or maybe we just thought they were because of our own level of ignorance & denial. But the clues to their real & potential abandonment were always there. Being mentally & emotionally unawares (not our fault) made it easy for us to not recognize other people’s limitations or cruelty.

To quote Toni Morrison (& Oprah) – “When you know better, you do better”
As adults we are responsible for being in situations to be Emotionally Abused by certain people. In essence we’re letting our PP or the WIC keep drawing us back to empty or poisonous ‘wells’ for comfort, guidance & support! Not going to happen!
E.As: Confused, abandoned, angry, longing, demeaned, depleted

NEXT: Victimizing Ourselves (Part 2)

ABUSE of CHILDREN (Part 4)

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PREVIOUS: Abuse of Children (#3)

SITEs : “What is Child Abuse & Neglect ?”
• “When Parents are too Toxic to Tolerate”

• Child Abuse in Hong Kong
• Child abuse is a global epidemic


ABUSE STYLES (cont.)
7. INCONSISTENCY // 8. HARASSMENT // 9. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

10. EXPLOITING – EXPs:
• expect child to be ‘caregiver’ to the parent, & young child expected to take care of even younger siblings
• give unreasonable responsibilities for jobs around the house
• give a child / youth responsibilities that are far greater than their age can handle, or using a child for profit
• hold responsible for or blame them for misbehavior of siblings
• require or encourage participation in sexual exploitation, such as pornography
• require / demand the youth supports family financially
• sexually abuse child or youth, revealing private body parts
CHILD SELLING
Buying, selling or trading for legal or physical custody of a child.
Does not apply to legitimate adoption or domestic relations planning.
💔
11. CORRUPTING
DEF:  To morally contaminate, to ruin utterly in character or quality, change the original form of, destroy or subvert the integrity of…
✶ From Canadian Criminal Code:  (S.C. 1953-54, c. 51, s. 157)
“In the home of a child, everyone who participates in sexual immortality, or indulges in habitual drunkenness or any other form of vice – thereby endangering the morals of the child, or renders the home an unfit place for the child to be in – is guilty of a indictable offenses & is liable to imprisonment for 2 years.”
Such children will grow up unfit for normal, healthy social interaction – when parents model, teach or force children to engage in antisocial behavior that’s harmful to themself & others, such as:
• encourage or allow criminal activities
• encourage & reward child for lying, cheating, stealing
• ignore or reward child for substance abuse
• reinforce inappropriate sexual activity; force or promote child prostitution
• reward child for bullying & harassing behavior
• supply child with any form of illegal substance
• teach hatred, racism, ethnic or religious bias
• teach “Win at all costs”; encourage violence in sporting activities

12. CRUELTY
DEF: To cause the suffering of another, indifference to the pain caused, even feeling pleasure in inflicting it.
Can be direct (cruel comments, physical torture….) or indirect (any form of withholding). MORE….

1st degree : intentionally causing a child under 18 “cruel or excessive physical or mental pain.”
2nd ° : this is when someone causes physical or mental pain by “criminal negligence” instead of a specific intent to cause harm
3rd ° : when an adult is fighting or acting in some other violent way – in the presence of a child

• Results are similar to ‘coldness’, but more severe.
Children need to feel safe & loved in order to explore the world around them, & to form healthy relationships. Treated cruelly by caretakers prevents their world from making sense – so the child’s social, emotional, & mental development are hindered or prolonged
💔
13. TERRORIZING
DEF: continually terrify a child/teen by threats & other intimidation, including any form of exposure to violence in the home, threatening to walk out forever…. often locking child in closet, in their room, in basement…(especially for long periods),  OR lock child out of the house, especially when quite young…..

The result is that the child lives in constant intense fear, left to her/his own psychological imaginings – assuming only the worst outcomes in life.
In strict-religion families (fundamentalist, cults….), children can be terrorized by parents putting “the fear of God” in them, or threaten with the devil’s wrath – when they don’t follow the rules perfectly, BUT more likely for just being a “sinful, evil child”.

ALSO:  make extreme verbal threats to / or actually :
• abandon them (send them away or leave them behind)
• harm or destroy a favorite object or pet
• kick teen permanently out, disown them
• ‘promise’ to give a beating – later (but then forget)
• reveal child’s intensely embarrassing traits to peers or other adults

INFO:  A 1995 phone survey, re. types of emotional abuse, showed that in the previous year 90% of families had used one or more forms of psychological aggression – toward a child by age 2. (Straus, Vol. 15)

NEXT: Victimizing ourselves (# 1)

ABUSE of CHILDREN (Part 2)

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I NEED SOMEONE TO PROTECT ME
but there’s no one around to do that!

SITE : ✓ ACAs ACOAs ACODF Blog, re. the effects of childhood abuse on the brain

✓ How to Deal With Being Rejected by Your Parent


ABUSE STYLES (cont)
1. REJECTING  // 2. NEGLECTING // 3. EMOTIONAL Abuse

4. CONTROLLING
DEF: Over-firm or restrictive, where parents intrude into the child’s activities without regard to their emotional state, needs or current activity.
Tend to be motivated by parent’s own personal needs or wishes rather than a realistic need to monitor the child’s actions.
• Inappropriate control takes several forms :

Over-control – Robs child of opportunities for healthy self-assertion & self-development –  by preventing them from exploring the world around them.  Authoritarian parents (“My way or the highway”) are more likely to raise disrespectful, delinquent children who don’t see them as legitimate authority figures.
Can also cause child’s over-compliance, social anxiety & isolation

Lack of control – not proving the child with attention, boundaries, guidance & realistic information. Puts a child at risk for causing danger or harm to self, & robs them of the knowledge handed down generationally.
Can cause disobedience, fighting or being withdrawn & socially phobic

Inconsistent control – can cause children to feel anxiety, depression, confused self-identity & mental confusion, leading to a variety of inappropriate behaviors & impaired intellectual development

Over-protection – stunts a child’s growth as a person, & prevents them from learning to successfully deal with fear & life stresses. Makes the child unable to trust their own abilities – because they were never tested.

Severely over-protected children eventually have a hard time going out into the world to finding a spouse, job or place to live, since they’re not used to having to do things on their own.  May find a controlling mate to replace parents
💔
5. COLDNESS
💠 Expressed in all 3 T.E.A. forms. Some parental characteristics:
act superior, angry, critical, distant, guarded, indifferent, little or no empathy or compassion, passively withdrawn, self-absorbed

• When parents are consistently unavailable, emotionally cold & also don’t allow or ignore the child’s own emotions, they deprive them of the necessary ingredients for intellectual & social development. It can be giving the form of the “silent treatment’, not being affection, leaving them with an unfamiliar, uncaring, or molesting caregiver….

Children subjected to consistent coldness grow to see the world as a ‘dangerous’ uninviting place, likely have seriously impaired relationships in the future, AND may never feel confident to learn or explore. They can become too independent & ‘self-reliant’ from being shut down, un-involved, un-trusting….

6. ISOLATING
a. Leaving young children alone to fend for themself. NEGLECT – Part 1
b. DEF: “Separate or cut the child off from normal social experiences (friends & family), resulting in extreme aloneness”.
Usually includes emotional & physical abuse :
🤍 done seductively (“Stay with me, I need you, you’re my special one”)
🤍 or brutally (“Everyone knows you’re bad. No one else wants you”)
EXPs
• keep C. away from one parent or other family, if parents are separated
• insist C. study, practice, do chores…. excessively or to exhaustion
• lock in closet, in their room, in basement…(especially for long periods)
• OR lock C. out of the house, especially when quite young
• make C. look & act differently from peers (weird or inappropriate clothes, not groomed….)
• prevent C. from having friends & participating in activities outside the home, while praising / rewarding C. for withdrawing from social contact

Purpose & Result:
• keeps child dependent on the caretaker, to the point of being afraid to interact socially, sometimes for the rest of its life
• limits child’s knowledge of the world & any healthy options it may have – depending on severity & duration
• prevents the child from forming its own identity
• serves to keep the child attached to the caretaker – used as a companion, spouse substitute, punching bag &/or slave
• equally important, it keeps the child from telling others about their abuse
Emotionally, the child is left confused, terrified, lonely, depressed & hopeless.

NEXT: Abuse of Children (Part 3)

TRAITS: PARTNER Abuse

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NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY
we never seem to get along

PREVIOUS: STYLES (#3)

SITE: ‘Lilac Lane’ re. Partner Abuse


CATEGORIES of Abuse
🩸Does the person you love hurt you?  Just because they don’t mean it – doesn’t mean it’s not happening!

This list focuses on live-in relationships with a spouse / partner, but you may have witnessed these patterns happening with your parents, siblings or friends
• The loved-one may be alcoholic or another kind of addict, mentally ill, have a chronic physical illness &/or a severe personality disorder (NPD, rage-aholic, psychopath, paranoid ….)
OR
• they seem like the ‘normal’ one & you’re labeled the crazy one

♟ Since abuse is not gender-specific, h/h (him/her) or an underline is used to indicate a specific Perp – so, fill in the initial of yours!

1. EMOTIONAL 
YOU (as victim) =  I….
• feel guilty about ___’s resentments toward me or anyone else
loss• feel depressed, anxious & are often or always afraid of ___
• give in to ____’s controlling because of their constant harassment
• have become extremely dependent on ____
• I’m nervous, anxious or worried about:
🔸 ___’s attitudes, moods or anger, even when h/h’s not around or is quiet
🔸 ___’s sarcasm, criticism, frowns, glares, gestures (finger-pointing….)
🔸 setting ____ off or getting the silent treatment

• my relationship is at a cold stand-off (few disagreements, but with a wall between us), but I won’t or can’t leave

THEY = HIM /HER (as perpetrator)
• blames me for all h/h problems & suffering
• constantly puts me in no-win situations (double binds)
•  ____ humiliates me in public, flirts with others in front of me
alcohol/abuse• is always needy & makes me wait on h/h hand & foot
• refuses to be happy or pleased – with anything, especially about me
• periodically threatens to kill h/h self & says it will be my fault
• poisons the emotional atmosphere in the home with constant negativity
• uses the children to get control by undermining my parental authority

2. COGNITIVE (mental)
YOU the V. = I….
• am automatically defensive & reactive, even in ‘neutral’ situations
• edit my thoughts before saying anything, as self-protection
• hide intelligence & information I have, to not threaten ___
• know it’s not safe to discuss with ___ what’s bothering me
• think if I just tried harder, things would be alright

THEY = HER /HIM verbal abuse
• constantly berates, belittles & intimidates, under the guise of “helping, guiding, teaching, just giving advice”, destroying my self-esteem
• ___ is ‘perfect’, never wrong, knows it all, talks AT me
• ___ is ok one minute & into a tirade the next, over seemingly nothing, or always about the same old things
THEY
• make all major decisions: where to live, furnishing the home, type of car
• teases or ridicules me for lack of specific info, how I express yourself, my vocabulary, accent….
• trivializes, insults or negates any of my accomplishments
• treats me like a helpless & stupid child, refusing to listen to my ideas or suggestions

3. PHYSICAL / PRACTICAL 
YOU = I….
• am accused of being unfaithful if I just talk to someone of the opposite sex (or same-sex – if applicable)
• don’t have the energy to fight back, set boundaries, object to anything
• feel obligated to have sex, including doing things I’m uncomfortable with – to prove my love, OR just to avoid an argument about it
anxietyI….
• get a pain in the pit of my stomach, have headaches, muscles pain, twitches…. that don’t come from physical exertion
• get criticized for any action I take unless it’s exactly suits ___’s taste or whim
I….
• have come to believe that nothing I do is good enough, so I constantly second-guess my actions before doing anything
• have to live too much in the moment – can’t plan ahead for fear of ___’s negative response to any of my plans or ideas
• tense up when I hear the door open, or ___ comes into the room
• AND when I walk by ___, my shoulders tense until we pass each other
(Article: “Being hated, Feeling hated, Overcoming self-hatred“)

THEY = HIM /HER 
• constantly criticizes my weight, looks, they way I dress…
• controls all financial decisions, withholds important financial information
criticizer• ___ denies or limits my access to work, further education or other growth opportunities
• ____ has given away, destroyed or thrown away my belongings
• isolates me from friends, family or other groups
THEY  
• limit my financial or other material resources ($, food, clothes)
• steals from me, runs up debts & leaves me to handle them
• threatens to harm or get rid of pets
• threatens to harm the children, or leave with the children
• withholds sex as punishment instead of talking openly about something they don’t liked / are mad about

ADD your own experiences!

 NEXT: Abuse of children #1

Types of ABUSERS (Part 1)

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I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE –
they’re so hard to pin down!

PREVIOUS: Type pf Perps #1

 

SHORT FORM – Abusers are typically:
Charming, controlling, critical, emotionally disconnected, hypersensitive, jealous, inconsistent, insincerely ‘repentant’, manipulative, narcissistic, victim, vicious & cruel.

NOTE: Anyone who was damaged in childhood is capable of being a Perpetrator, sometimes. However, here the focus is on people who are abusive as a ‘life style’, consistently, long-term & with everyone – whether you’re aware of their behavior with others or not.
If YOU fall into one of these categories, you too will have been exposed to unhealthy behavior throughout childhood.

Re. THEM (P = Perpetrator)
a. All abusers repeat what was done to them – in their own style – burned into their cortical pathways, a mirror image of their earliest Abandonment experiences

b. All abuse is an expression of the P’s Self-Hate & Pig Parent (Introject). S-H tries to protect against feeling Abandonment terror, expressed in the form of Character Defects (selfishness, lack of boundaries, dishonesty, gossiping, impatience, being judgmental, raging, immaturity….).

being abused✶ Understanding this does NOT excuse or exonerate bad or cruel behavior in anyone, since each adult is responsible for their own actions. But keeping these facts (a. & b.) in mind reminds us that when someone acts out ‘at’ us, it tells us about them – not about us.
❣️ What is about us is how we respond, whether or not we stick around for it, & for how long.

Re. US (V = Victim)
✶ When observing or being subjected to bad behavior, we must NOT let the WIC’s damage (co-dependence) use our natural empathy & understanding toward the P to put up with their ‘crap’. ACoAs feeling sorry for others may seem like a kindness & empathy, but it only allows a P to get away with being harmful

• Not leaving the abuser is ‘taking care of’ their feelings, abdicating responsibility to ourself. Instead, we always need to :
– balance understanding the source of the abuse (background)
– with our right to refuse to be it’s victim (self-esteem)
Neither their rights nor their suffering are greater than ours!

Perp’s PERSONALITY TYPES
ACTIVE ADDICT
• Often comes from a family with addictions. Can have multiple addictions themselves, either to a chemical, an activity, or both Drunk Gossip
• use their ‘drug of choice’ (agent) – daily, in binges or in cycles
• devote most of their time, money & focus to it – even when not using
• don’t want to discuss it, are very protective – lie about using it, how much & where
• won’t admit or talk about the effect on themself or others
• rarely get any kind of help to stop. May try a program or rehab, but keep slipping back, OR switch to another addiction

• People are secondary to their favorite agent – losing relationships, jobs & other important things when active
• have mood swings or changes in attitude with too much or too little of the agent, & have had / will have a host of physical & mental health problems
🧩 Their addiction & all its consequences cause others around them to feel shame, fear, worry & be in physical danger

OVERLY NEEDY
• may have an unusual relationship (symbiotic, incestuous, co-dependent…) with mother, father or other parent figure
• can’t stand to be without you. Begs, cries, pleads, pouts, guilts you into changing your taste, needs & wants or any plans you have without them

needy• sees self as a victim, has had multiple relationships & other “discouragements” in life
• you are their only focus – they have few, if any, close friends or outside interests
• blames you for their vulnerability, while convincing you their neediness IS love

• wants constant assurance you still want them, not interested in other partners, & demands promises you won’t reject them
• threatens self-harm if you ever leave, & sometimes does

• sets you up to feel sorry for them, & puts self down, waiting for you to make them feel good – while never taking in what you do offer
• won’t make decisions, is passive aggressive, blaming you if they don’t like choices you make for them

🧩 You end up feeling frustrated & suffocated when around them for too long

NEXT: Types of Abusers (Part 2)

TRAITS of Abusers – General

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

IT’S HARD  FOR ME TO GET
how sick they really are!

PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims #3

Article: LIST of Characteristics

ALL Perpetrators ARE:
• deeply insecure, so are extremely jealous
• inconsistent – can do well at work & in many social situations, but sulky or cruel in private with unpredictable mood swings
• terrible communicators – especially about Es (rather talk with their fists), think in B & W, use distorted logic (CDs)
• very touchy – easily insulted, take everything personally
AND :
• have poor impulse control: use addictions, go into rages, hurt children & animals, batter their spouse, are unfaithful
• need to control everything, because of Fear of Abandonment (FoA)
• take no personal responsibility – always blame everyone in the whole world – for their troubles. Perps don’t care about the effect of their actions on the V. since no one else really counts but themself (narcissism).

PMES CHARACTERISTICS – rather than behaviors (<—- See posts “DIRECT Abusers “):
 PHYSICAL = • are an active addict
• can use chronic physical illness or disability to manipulate everyone or just one significant other
• may be mentally ill, have some type of psychological or emotional disorder
• often have a history of family violence – between the adults, & adults to children, sometimes between siblings

MENTAL – They :
• are loyal to their Toxic family Rules and Roles, needing to convince others of their CDs (cognitive distortions)
• believe in rigid gender roles, to keep everyone ‘in their place’
• blame others for their problems so they don’t have to be responsible for their actions, or their underlying but unconscious feeling of vulnerability
They :
• have tightly protected defense mechanisms, self-deception is well-developed
• are in denial about their own wounds/ & the effect they have on others
• have unrealistic expectations of self, others & what relationships are supposed to provide. The Perp puts a burden on others to fulfill needs they didn’t get from their family, instead of healing themself

shitting out LOVEEMOTIONAL 
Psychological disturbances :
co-dependent, borderline, bipolar, co-dependent, depressive, narcissistic✶ (see below),paranoid….
Love addiction – They :
• are extreme jealous
• can be calm, charming & convincing – in public
• get involved too quickly, become ‘instantly’ symbiotic
• see mate as a symbol of a parent or other authority figure, especially when the P. is angry, rather than as a person in their own right
• very good at deceiving others, may have many other relationships, all are superficial.  (⬆️IMAGE: They take in your love & eject it as pollution)

Self-Hate (hidden from most people) – They :
• are full of anxiety, guilt & shame
• are hypersensitive to the slightest disrespect or insult, even when it’s not intended or there is none
• blame others for their emotions, deny need for help or growth
abusers S-HThey :
• either use others to keep self-image from collapsing, or they isolate
• refuse to be responsible for their actions, (incest, drunkenness, violence…) even in the face of severe consequences
• push away true intimacy (there’s never enough to fill their inner emptiness) & can’t believe anyone can be there for them….

✳️ Narcissism is not self-esteem – at all – but a condition that’s a distorted sense of power, & includes:
• constantly looking for & demanding attention
• getting very angry & feeing deeply ashamed when criticized, or if any personal imperfections are pointed out
unpredictable• grandiosity, overestimating their importance, talents & achievements
• inability to put themself in someone else’s shoes (empathize)
• manipulating others, especially partners – with blame, guilt, distorted ‘logic’, bribes,  threats….
• mental obsessions & compulsive actions to hide real or imagined flaws  (estimated that 85% of narcissists are male)

SPIRITUAL – They :
• can use ‘religion’ / spiritual teachings as a way to beat up & control others, especially children
• don’t have a clear moral compass, so are too easily swayed by their own greed, revenge, fear, cowardice…. Easy for the P. to lie, cheat, steal … even if it’s just a little, & secretly… ORfake spiritual
They:
• may not have a strong -or any- Spiritual belief & practice TO :
♝ cope with & heal deep-seated trauma
♝ fall back on in hard times
♝ trust that they’re taken care of & safe
♝ know that all is well & that there’s enough love to go around!
AND:
• may not have genuine concern for the suffering of others (rather than people-pleasing or grand-standing). Any ‘generosity’ is self-serving – to seem important, feel needed, look good, cover S-H, be lauded….

NEXT: Types of Abusers, #1

TRAITS of VICTIMS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

TOO PROUD to ASK FOR HELP
AND I don’t trust anyone to come thru

PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims, Part 2

QUOTE: “I am a victim, I have no qualms with this word, only with the idea that it is all that I am.”
― Chanel Miller, Know My Name: A Memoir

VICTIM (V) CHARACTERISTICS Preconditions (cont)
1. PSYCHOLOGICAL / SPIRITUAL (cont.)
a. re. Self  – Part 2

b. re. Abusers (P=perpetrator)
VICTIMS
• consistently compromise their ethics, values & beliefs in favor of the P.
• gain a sense of worth by care-taking the abuser. With a deep need to be needed, they become the P’s parent substitute or domestic slave
• have the illusion they can do something to fix the P. to make them less unhappy & therefore  –> be less dangerous, AND be well enough to take care of & love the V
Vs
• live in a fantasy world of “If only ____ (Perp) would do / be_____”, things would be OK between us
• pick inappropriate mates & friends – men & women both have a strong need for a relationship to validate themself, but expressed it differently
• use the P as their Higher Power, but often deny the reality of a Loving God or Benign Universe

social anxiety2. PHYSICAL
a. re. Self  – They :
• avoid almost all social interaction OR can’t stand to be alone
• are compulsive: get stuck in a course of action & can’t seem to shift out of it, even when given a good alternative
They
• have one or more addictions, used as self-medication (food, sex, drugs, alcohol, exercise….)
• have various phobias (of dirt, of going outside, of being noticed…)
• may exhibit obsessive-compulsive behaviors (pulling out hair, rocking, excessive cleaning…..)
They
• often have -very real- long-term stress disorders (auto-immune disease, back pain, migraines….), OR psychosomatic complaints (not physically based)
• afraid to start something positive, OR start things but never finish
• think about, plan or attempt suicide, or periodic self-harm (cutting, hitting / banging their head…..

b. re. Abusers — Victims
• allow Ps to invade their physical boundaries
• are available to be told what to wear, what to eat, how to sit, how to behave in public, where to look (eyes down)…
• ‘make it easy’ for & be available for the P to insult their speech, accent, vocabulary, tone of voice….
• put up with their physical appearance & body characteristics being made fun of or disparaged
• tolerate physical abuse OR physical neglect

chained to perp3. EMOTIONAL
a. re. Abusers – Victims are :
• likely to blame all their problems on others, both Ps & non-Ps – to not have to take responsibility for their own life – BUT (ironically) — they’ve ‘learned’ that no one is safe, so they say they can’t trust anyone
• deeply loyal to the abuser, even with constant proof that the P. does not deserve it, & is never loyal to the V.
• emotionally dependent on the good-will & validation of others (just like the P), while believing that NO one can love them
• terrified of any form of disapproval, anger or threat of being left

b. re. Self – Victims are:
• afraid to see any good in themself, take in compliments or value their accomplishments
• convinced they’re incapable of ever being able to love others
• depressed (overtly or covertly), even numb, &/or visibly nervous, subject to periodic anxiety attacks
are :
• driven by guilt (not doing everything right) & shame (not being sin-less)
• intensely fear-based, but hidden under a facade so can become control-freaks
• not allowed to be comfortable or comforted
• overwhelmed by S-H & FoA (fear of abandonment)
have:
• a submissive attitude & style of interacting (not the True Self), always feel inferior to others even when it’s hidden by competence or bravado
• great difficulty expressing anger, tend to internalize it & then act it out indirectly (passive-aggressive)

OUTCOME : Not being allowed to feel or think clearly for themself, Vs become gullible & therefore easily deceived, cheated & controlled. They attach to bullies, or hide from everyone. Not all look like Vs on the outside. They can act weak & incapable, or hide their vulnerability behind anger, hyper-activity & head-knowledge. But their personal life will usually tell.

NEXT: Victims #4

TRAITS of VICTIMS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I NEVER HAD A CHANCE
to be successful!

Previous: Traits of Victims (#1)

P = Perpetrator / V=Victim

 

REVIEW – Emotional Abuse
E.A. is an ongoing pattern of behavior designed to control, manipulate & defeat another, usually occurring behind closed doors.  It’s any non-physical behavior or attitude that intimidates, demeans, punishes or psychologically enslaves another.

It devaluates, humiliates & terrorizes, by yelling, screaming, name-calling, or with subtler tactics such as isolating a person from family & friends, invalidating their thoughts & emotions, & refusing to be pleased with anything.

Vs are ABUSED by any Perp WHO :
⚠︎ is habitually cruel or overbearing (even in the guise of friendship or caring), especially to smaller or weaker people
⚠︎ looks for the V’s ‘tell’ – a weakness they can exploit – and does
WHO :
⚠︎ hates certain categories of people (children in general, gender preference, ethnic or religious groups…)
⚠︎ has an authoritarian personality, combined with a strong need to control or dominate
WHO :
⚠︎ uses emotional, verbal &/ physical tactics to force their ‘wants’ on others, either by aggression & intimidation or subtler forms of coercion
⚠︎ uses their position to make themself feel more important BY humiliating others, keeping them ‘in their place’ (MORE…..)

• Whether in a family, on the playground, on the street or at work, bullies and criminals don’t usually target their Victims at random.
abuse passed downCHILDREN victimized by family:
💭 the child who is naturally compliant & wants to please is easily singled out by a Perp who know that that one can more easily be manipulated to do what the bully wants OR
💭 it’s the child who is too clever & insightful that they’re a threat to the P’s power & so must be crushed!
ADULTS Abused by anyone:
While its NOT the Vs fault, their past history of trauma can make them more vulnerable. They may BE:
☀︎ anxious, insecure, not able to defend themself verbally
☀︎ envied for their appearance, intelligence, talent & achievements
☀︎ too needy, clingy, eager to please
☀︎ withdrawn, seem odd, don’t fit in with their work or social culture

PS: Naturally, fully functional adults can be victimized as well, but are more likely to escape the abusive person or environments as soon as possible. They know & use many options the other types don’t, & will actively look for solutions, however long it takes.
💔
CHARACTERISTICS** – preconditions for being abused, rather than innate weakness. The following PMES categories (Parts 2-4) are the resulting emotions, beliefs & behaviors that come from prolonged exposure to Ps.
** Defense Mechanisms created by the False Self trying to survive years of mistreatment – NOT the fundamental & unique traits of the True Self.

1. PSYCHOLOGICAL / SPIRITUAL
In early life — came from various combinations of emotional, mental, religious, physical, &/or sexual oppression & abuse ( Laundry List)
a.  re. Self – as adults
• are afraid of being visible, so don’t share much about themself
• are impulsive with poor self-control, do whatever they feel like at the moment without thought to options or consequences
HAVE:
• a chronic feeling of emptiness / nothing is enough to fill the void
• a very sketchy awareness of who they are fundamentally (personal characteristics, abilities, skills, talents….)
• trouble relaxing & enjoying themself, take themself too seriously or not seriously at all
THEY:
• believe they’re a fraud & will eventually be found out. Lie when it’s not necessary
• can’t identify needs, or don’t have internal permission to own & provide their basic human rights, needs & desires
• feel responsible for others’ actions/ reactions, but don’t face their own
• lack internal motivation – only do what others want, or think they need

• never seem to get it together to leave the abuser (while endlessly thinking & complaining about it) OR keep leaving, but always go back OR pick another similar P
• project their disowned needs /desires onto others, without realizing it
AND
• may end up with a personality disorder – such as Anti-Social, Co-dependent, Dependent, Love &/or Sex addict, Paranoid, Passive-aggressive …

NEXT: Trait of Victims – Mental & Emotional (#3)