acoa recovery

Anger MYTHS – T or F (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

anger moster -3

IT’S GOOD TO GET MY ANGER OUT – as long as it’s in a SAFE way

PREVIOUS: Myths =F (#2)


ANGER
🔐 is “all in your head”
True: that anger is first generated in the brain, but….
False: …..in that it’s not just a state of mind or made up. All emotions are primarily physical experiences, felt throughout the whole body. It’s instantly experienced in our muscles long before we’re conscious of how we’re feeling – the hairs on the back of the neck, tightening in shoulders, chest or gut, finger-temperature warming up, + RISING: blood pressure, blood sugar levels, heart rate, respiration rate…..

EXP: “I feel like I have a big fist pressing on my chest when I get that angry / I have trouble swallowing that / I have a knot in my stomach….”anger energy
➼ It’s impossible to hide anger from a skilled observer (body stance, tone of voice…), although many people miss the signs in themself
(FIGURE —> Finnish research )

🔐when suppressed, it always causes serious health problems
False: This is not inevitable, particularly if we have some control over whatever situation is causing the anger, but when unresolved it will create problems in most relationships.
INT:  the latest research has disproven the theory that suppressed anger results in stomach ulcers. The most common cause is a bacterial infection or drugs that attack the lining of the stomach. (Post: ‘Somatizing anger‘)

True/False: Researchers have also discovered there can sometimes be a correlation between anger & depression, but not always, & not automatically. Sometimes there is just anger, & sometimes there’s just depression (such as when it’s physical / hereditary)

ANGER
🔐 is the result of human conflict
False: Damaged parents regularly dump their anger on their young ones, even when the children haven’t done anything to ‘deserve / earn’ it.
And, as adults we can just as easily be angry/ cranky/ mean because of internal unhappiness & S-H – as from what others do or don’t do.
ALSO, a leading expert on anger has found that people can get angry by being exposed to foul odors, aches & pains, hot temperatures — none of which involve (or can be blamed on) the actions of others. (MORE….)

True: Continual conflict can easily escalate from —> irritation & frustration to —> rage to —> homicide or war. On a smaller scale, other people can push our buttons, especially the ones we haven’y dealt with (BUTTONS: being accused wrongly, being disappointed or disrespected, ignored, waiting too long….). 
Wars are fought over being wronged in some way, which generates anger,
OR greed on a large scale – which is not about anger

🔐 can be relieved or released by yelling, hitting, kicking or punching things (not people)….. & always needs to be dumped
False:  Some studies have shown that people who arbitrarily vent their anger in aggressive ways simply get better at being angry.
True: Releasing anger appropriately is called “catharsis”.  Along with some form of Cognitive-Behavioral therapy (CBT), physical release of stored anger/rage-energy is necessary for full Recovery, especially – but not exclusively – for people who are Kinesthetically oriented.

Privately / safely letting it out in a safe, private place (pounding. yelling or punching) can release tension, but by itself doesn’t heal the underlying problem  (Post: ‘Volcanic anger’)
This can be done in the form of Brain Re-patterning, Trauma Release work, Core Energetics, Psychodrama…. (MORE…… // Anger & exercise)

ANGER
🔐 is relieved or eliminated by talking it out 
False: In her book “Anger:The Misunderstood Emotion”, Carol Tavris states, “Talking out an emotion doesn’t reduce it, it rehearses it. This is true for many who want to stay angry because it prevents them from feeling vulnerable.” This way of dealing with anger is actually resentment – because we’re only thinking about it (T), instead of actually feeling it (E).

True: It’s a way to start the process of becoming aware & owning how much hidden rage we have stored in our unconscious & in the body (muscles, organs, cells….)

NOTE: ACoA FoO therapy will often increase our awareness of the anger we’ve stored from childhood hurt as we come out of denial about how much damage we suffered as kids (thawing frozen emotions). Then crying & body-work is needed for actual release.

NEXT: ACoAs & Humiliation (#1)

Anger MYTHS – False (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

anger creature -2

IT’S VERY IMPORTANT
to deal with anger as it comes up

PREVIOUS: Anger Myths –
FALSE (#1)

SITE: “Why we shout in anger” – a Hindu teaching


ANGER
⚡️is an uncontrollable natural force, so can’t be reined in
False: Many people believe that once they’re angry they can’t influence it (“I can’t control my anger – it’s just who I am”) & therefore have to let it ‘run its course’. Not so.
While we don’t always have control of an external situation, no one can make us FEEL or BEHAVE in a certain way. Anyone can learn to be in charge of their reaction – via the Healthy Adult. It’s a skill set, like shooting a basketball or learning a new language. Practice, practice, practice!

⚡️is something that happens to us
False: Anger, as well as all other emotions, are our biochemical responses to events, & then may or may not be expressed as actions. Sometimes it feels like a physical impulse that’s out of our control – because it’s erupting from the unconscious, like a lightning strike. However, it is in fact energy that comes from us, rather than happening to us – triggered by our thoughts – inside (about ourselves) or from outside re. PPT (about others)

⚡️is only a problem when expressed (at all)
False: Only about 10% of people act out their anger inappropriately, & they are the visible ones – the squeaky wheels who get everyone’s attention.
Almost everyone else either suppresses it (“I don’t want to talk about it!”) or represses it altogether (“I’m not angry – really!”). Both groups need anger management classes just as much as the ‘ragers’.

ANGER
⚡️always leads to aggression / some form of violence
False: It may seem to be true if we were raised with one or more rage-aholics, & if we then also have chosen to stay with ragers as adults.
BUT healthy people have learned productive ways of processing & channeling their anger, so it never leads to being self-destructive or abusive to others.

Of course, chemicals (alcohol/ drugs/ some medicines, even food allergies…) can generate anger & set off a compulsion to be nasty, either because the cognitive brain isn’t in charge OR if we haven’t learned to recognize the symptoms of rage or how to handle them

⚡️increases as we get older
False: It’s the other way around – as people age, they report fewer difficult/ painful / intense emotions, & greater emotional control. People – like wine & cheese – do tend to improve with age. Research shows that the angriest people are 14 yrs old boys!
EXCEPTION : We’ve all seen or heard of crabby / nasty old men & women, but they’ve always been that way!

⚡️ is not a ‘problem‘ IF we don’t sound / look angry
deny angerFalse: Anyone who does not understand & appreciate the potential value of anger will have a problem with it. There are ways to tell if someone has hidden anger/rage, even when they don’t admit to it – by holding themseld stiffly, always being fearful, being overly nice, being paranoid, jealous, controlling….
(see posts: “Passive-aggressive anger” // Secretly angry ‘nice people’)

ANGER
⚡️is best dealt with by stuffing it 
False: Some of us think that learning to control our anger means having to always hold it in. WRONG. Instead, we need to be able to recognize when we’re angry, & learn how best to express it. Healthy adults don’t stock-pile emotions the way we had to as kids.  (Post: “Low-level anger“)

⚡️ is only a ‘problem’ for certain types
False: All types of people experience anger – truck drivers, college professors, physicians, housewives, grandmothers, lawyers, geniuses, siblings, policemen, career criminals, poor people, millionaires, children, the elderly, clergy, people of any color / nationality / religion….. Anger is a universal emotion!

⚡️ is all about getting even
False: Getting-even-anger can be about revenge/payback, about wanting fairness, or childish tit-for-tat. But there are many other reasons for our anger, such as letting off steam over accumulated frustrations, asserting authority or independence, to protect against feeling vulnerable or used to cover up fear we may not even admit to. However, the main one is to protect ourselves from abuse. (Post: “Retaliatory anger“)

NEXT: Anger MYTHS T & F (Part 1)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Powerless, Rebel, Retaliatory (#12)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

small red a.b.

I’LL GET YOU – if it’s the last thing I do!

PREVIOUS: Anger categories #11

SITE: “Violent Communication“ & child abuse…..

 

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

▪️PASSIVE anger
When we avoid dealing with any situation that severely upsets us, we’re likely suppressing both the awareness & the expressions of anger.
The underlying belief is that “I must never make anyone else uncomfortable, disappointed or displeased…. but it’s perfectly acceptable if I am”
This shows up as being emotionally self-dishonest, anxious, helpless, invisible, manipulated :
💭 Passives (Victims) – we let others choose for us, are inhibited, self-denying, always on the losing end of win-lose, only accidentally or indirectly getting what we want

🔻The Passive’s assumption is that their self-denial will produce the result they deeply desire – by being totally inoffensive – everyone will approve of & want to be with them.
Sad IRONY
▫️ Their rights are continually violated, while everyone else achieves their goals – at the victim’s expense
▫️ Other people will eventually become frustrated with the Passive’s wishy-washy-ness, costing them respect & credibility, AND make others angry
▫️ They’re never fully trusted because no one can tell where they stand. Some people may feel guilt or superiority – for taking advantage of that weakness
SO
Passives’ constant disappointment generates a lot of anger, which has to stay hidden. However it can also show up, indirectly as being resentful, holding a grudge, spreading nasty rumors, turning a cold-shoulder……

▪️REBELLIOUS anger
Rebellion in teens is a ‘normal’ stage of development, not automatically an indictment of their parents’ personalities or way of life. The need is to separate & individuate (S & I) from the adults, in order to develop their own Identity. It does not have to be severe or destructive.

In relatively healthy families it most often shows up as contrariness – constant disagreements with parental mores & points of view. Anger at family restrictions is a way to form necessary boundaries.
If allowed to run it’s course, young people will eventually settle into a way of life that suits themself & may actually end up agreeing with the family in some basic respects.

rebellion• However, in dysfunctional/ abusive families, any disagreement is seen as a threat to the whole fabric of the system (see Family Mobile)
While one or more children will become the ‘good boy or girl”, at least one other may become the rebellious, angry ‘difficult’ one, taking on the Scapegoat Toxic Role. Such children may be continually punished, accused of disloyalty, &/or thrown out.  It makes sense this child will conclude that since “No one cares about me, everyone thinks I’m bad – I might as well be bad” !!

As adults – Rebellious anger is most often directed at any form of authority – being sullen & withdrawn or openly defiant, joining up with other unhappy peers, & show up in all kinds of anti-social behavior. It’s rage that’s projected onto others which we deny feeling about our family’s neglect incompetence, & many forms of abuse.

▪️RETALIATORY / revenge anger
This is another very dangerous type of anger – a primitive, destructive, violent response to a personal insult, injury or humiliation from others. It can surface as a direct response to someone else lashing out at us, but our intuitive ‘logic’ about wanting revenge is often twisted, conflicted & small-minded.

Sometimes the trigger is a real-world situation, other times it’s only a perceived wrong. Either way the intensity of our reaction will dependent on how much a current event reminds us of childhood hurts & disappointments.
Revenge-actions include being over-harsh, refusing to forgive & forget, bringing up hurtful memories from the past….

Anger + Violence = REVENGE
👹 Using ‘Violent Communication‘ toward bullies / intimidators can easily make them switch to the Revenge cycle, so the punishment doled out to the ‘Enemy’ (you) continues to grow.

Anger in the form of Revenge only encourages the problem, perpetuating the cycle of violence. No matter how much we want justice or pay-back, the cycle always ends in one person being a Victim. It never leads to a resolution. (SITE: “R – will it make you feel better?“).

INTERESTING: Complete outline of Hamlet’s Revenges

NEXT: Anger categories #13

Anger – CATEGORIES : Passive, Paranoid, Pass-Agg (#11)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

sad baby a.b.NO MATTER HOW UPSETTING, I can’t seem to make anything better

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (Part 10)

SITE: “Righteous Indignation“


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️PARANOID anger
Paranoia can be identified on a continuum, FROM mild & occasional (“I bet she’s talking abut me”) TO severe & continual (“I know they’re watching me thru the tv”).
In the present, it’s the Paranoid’s irrational assumption that they’re somehow always in danger, but can’t quite put their finger on it, or prove it.
They are absolutely sure that others are out to get them, take what’s theirs, want to humiliate them socially, or attack them in some other way.

Paranoia comes from the experience of being in very real & continual danger growing up. As children they were double-binded, manipulated & controlled to the point of never being able to trust their own thoughts & emotions, much less anyone else’s.

As a result they’re always on guard, never relaxed. Their ability to process & evaluate situations correctly is flawed or non-existent, confusing their own motives & emotions with those of others. The fear/terror comes from a deep sense of insecurity & powerlessness, which generates a lot of anger.

Instead of admitting the rage, they project it out onto the world, believing everyone else is angry, so they can be too – without guilt. Their fury is disguised as self-protection.
They see their own anger reflected in the eyes & words of their friends, mates & co-workers, without realizing it’s a mirror. This leaves everyone confused.

▪️PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE anger
The “P-A ACoAs” posts give a full description. This category is also called:
Leaking – stockpiling resentments toward someone, & then talking about them behind their back with others who agree with us, gossiping, muttering under our breath, doing things we know upset the one we’re mad at…

Sneaky – never letting others know we’re angry, much less to what degree, but it shows up Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.19.57 PManyway, usually by withholding – in our actions, communication, emotions….. and then acting innocent & hurt, asking with a puzzled look, “Why are you getting mad at me?”

Underhanded – indirectly trying to get revenge for injustices to our ego by sabotaging the specific ‘enemy’ we’re angry at, rather than randomly abusing whoever is near by.
In this case we use little acts of ‘mild’ aggression, in what we think are socially acceptable ways – being late, making belittling side-comments, complaining to others about them, teasing, always discouraging someone’s ideas, plans, dreams….

▪️POWERLESS anger
There are very real situations in life which some of us have to deal with, where we are truly powerless.
EXP:  care-taking an elderly sick & forgetful parent, raising a disabled child, coping with a drug/alcohol addicted mate or older child, having a chronic illness……
It’s exhausting, wearing down our patience, so it’s easy to get frustrated, irritated & then angry. This is normal, & needs to be addressed – by getting regular support & relief time.

• However, some of us no longer live in hurtful / dangerous circumstances, yet act as if we’re still victims – as we once were in childhood. We get angry whenever we can’t get what we want or expect.
We react to everyday frustrations as if they’re meant specifically for us – when they’re actually not. We assume childhood powerlessness is a permanent state, not deserving anything else (learned helplessness). So as adults we don’t have internal permission to get our needs met legitimately. (MORE….)
powerless
⚡️ This causes us to only focus on others outside ourselves to provide everything we need or want, & then get angry when that doesn’t happen. We don’t know or refuse to admit we are responsible for our own self-care

😪 On the other hand many people are still genuinely trapped in situations they can’t get out of for various reasons – children in abusive homes, sex slaves, battered wives, prisoners, war refugees, living in poverty. (Image ↗️).
A total sense of powerlessness always generates impotent anger, even fury. But without any options, eventually depression & then hopelessness often takes over.

NEXT: Anger categories (Part 12)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Disappointed, Displaced (#7)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

reddish a.b.IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!
that I can’t do whatever I want!

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (Part 5)



OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

▪️DISAPPOINTMENT anger
REALISTIC: This comes up when things are out of our control, such as when:disappointed girl
• a promise made to us is broken (we don’t get the raise)
• a hope is dashed (rain on the day we planned a picnic)
• there’s endless delay in reaching an important goal or need
• when something we looked forward to turns out not to be as good, attractive or satisfactory as expected…..

If things like these happen too often, from people or situations we depend on, we can become very depressed &/or angry. As children – many of us were stuck with continually disappointing parents, so we’re more sensitive to even slight losses now. Unfortunately, ACoAs with this background tend to find & stay with PPT which repeat this patterns, instead of walking away & looking for more reliable options

UNREALISTIC: This anger comes from an unmet expectation or wish:
√ which was verbalized but not agreed to (person A says WE are going to DO or not do something, but person/group B is silent, which leads A to assume they agree, when B actually doesn’t. So they don’t do what A expected or it’s sabotaged in some way

√ which was never verbalized & therefore not agreed to  EXP: Maria pictures & plans for a romantic event, assuming that Juan will fulfill the fantasy – without having any idea what she’s hoping for! So he doesn’t do anything, because he’s not normally romantic, & legitimately not a mind-reader. That makes her very angry – at him – instead of taking responsibility for not asking

PRESUMING : Unrealistic disappointment-anger can come from making judgments or assuming rules about how things should be done or not done, that are not met by a specific person or group we’re involved in. Judgments come —Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.59.49 PM
√ from a sense of moral superiority, as if we know what’s best for someone else (“No daughter of mine will even marry a ___ / Of course you’ll be better off going to that ___ / Our family only votes ____”)

√ from a need follow “the Rules”, by controlling our environment so we can feel safer (“Al-Anon meetings should always be helpful / the speaker should stick to the topic / the chairs should be in a circle ….”).
Either way, it causes trouble for everyone.

▪️DISPLACED anger
UNHEALTHY: In the classic victimizer-victim “kick-the-dog” cycle, we take out anger we have toward one person/situation ON TO a weaker or easier target that happens to be available, so that an innocent person or animal gets hurt.
The substitute-target will have no idea why they’re being picked on / yelled at / punished….. just left dazed, confused & hurt. They bear the brunt of someone’s displaced anger, as a scapegoat, & their relationship with the perpetrator will be damaged, specially if it’s often repeated

This type of anger may not always be overtly aimed at a specific PPT, but can show up as anxiety, being uncooperative, crankiness, depression, isolation, prejudice……
We react this way when we don’t admit we’re actually angry, since :
√ we’re not internally allowed to recognize what hurts us (whatever made us angry)
√ we still think we’re powerless to change a bad situation
√ we’re too afraid to assert ourselves to the person we’re angry at
√ the object of our anger is realistically too dangerous to confront

Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.07.07 PMHEALTHIER: When we genuinely can not change a situation we’re in that leaves us frustrated, drained & angry – but we choose to stay in it or can not alter (caring for a sick & dying parent, needing the survival job, a chronic injury or illness…..).

‘Blocked” anger-energy can be redirected  :
• vent it privately, in a safe way (pound, draw, write…..)
• break objects we don’t need (tin cans, old newspapers….)
• strenuous exercise / using a punching bag….
• re-channel the anger-energy into productive activity (something artistic, sports, helping the under-privileged….), where we can feel successful & effective.

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 7)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Ambivalent, Avoidant (#4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

hospital a.b.
I HAVE NO CONTROL
over how I react!

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (#3)

 

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️AMBIVALENT anger
It is natural to feel anger towards the person/people who caused our childhood trauma, but that anger can be complicated by the feeling of ambivalence  :
– IF the ones responsible for the abuse also did good things for us. Such ambivalence can be very painful & confusing, leaving us in conflict. We can feel anger, hurt, frustration…. AND gratitude, love, longing, missing them….

OR – we can white-wash them, excusing the perpetrator/s by telling ourselves they didn’t know any better, they didn’t mean it, they were under great stress….
This confusion & denial will make it harder to feel the legitimate anger we have about the neglect & mistreatment, so we end up emotionally numb (a type of dissociative state)

OR – presently are living with someone you care about & want to stay with, but you find ‘difficult’ because of their damage – which also happens to trigger your buttons. Can you love & hate someone at the same time? Should you be angry or grateful (to be with them) ?

▪️AVOIDANT anger
a. One meaning is when someone makes a habit of trying to deny feeling anger all together – having experienced the awful results of aggression growing up, &/ or Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.50.31 PMbecause of religious prohibition (anger=sin).
They’re extremely afraid of their own anger & that of others. On the surface their communication is: “I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.”
Even when there’s a raging volcano in their gut, all that shows is a happy face, with nary a flicker of irritation. This is not passive-aggression – this is buried aggression.

• Since anger is a natural human emotions & everyone feels it from time to time, the more someone suppresses it, the more it builds up, until it consumes them – often in the form of an Immune Deficiency or other illness. Long-term suppressed anger damages self-esteem because it results in feeling too weak to assert one’s needs, which can lead to being scapegoated, depressed, paranoid, having debilitating worry….

b. A second meaning is about distancing oneself from the person who makes us feel angry – putting on a phony smile, not talking to them, never looking them in the face, staying away from them altogether….
Giving someone the cold shoulder or silent treatment – that we’re in any kind of relationship with – can be:Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.50.39 PM
√ sidestepping confrontation, from not knowing how to proceed
√ a passive form of punishment for their offenses – supposed or real
√ a way to protect the other person from an outburst of our rage – which we’ll be sorry for later

• However, by not saying what bothers us as soon as possible (assertive anger), the option of working it thru is eliminated, since the person / group have no way of knowing they’ve caused an upset.
Their ignorance makes it more likely the ‘offender(s)’ will continue to be a source of aggravation. Of course, this applies to situations where there is at least the possibility of an improvement, but this can only happen if we at least make one attempt to communicate our anger & hurt

➼ In general, with both a & b styles, a chronic Avoider cannot escape accumulating a backlog of anger, which will at some point either explode or turn into long-term depression &/or illness

c. POSITIVE use : a third meaning is about ‘letting go’ of trying to connect with Co-dependents, Passive-aggressives or other Narcissists who can’t communicate directly & honestly.
EXP: We’ve tried 2 or 3x to ask the person or group for some satisfaction (‘Please stop ____,  Can we _____?, Would you be willing to_____?”)
BUT
— there is no discussion or change, OR
— there’s a promise of change but never any follow-thru.

Then avoidance is our only option – rather than staying & staying – with the false hope that eventually we’ll get our needs met!
Obviously, there are PPT that are best avoided altogether – since there’s no other way to stop being abused, and no way to have a resolution since the offender can’t/won’t change their ways.

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 5)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Addictive, Aggressive (#3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

lite red a.b.

YES, I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS
but I only use the ones I know well

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories #2

SITE Top 5 Angry Cartoon Characters, w/ corrections

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS

▪️ADDICTIVE anger
Addictions fall into : “substance” (chemicals) and “process” (co-dependence, food, gambling, hoarding, spending, work, anger….).
Science has proven that ‘rageaholism’ is real. Like any addiction, the emotion discharges catecholamine neurotransmitters : dopamine, epinephrine, norepinephrine & an adrenaline surge, with increased heart rate & blood pressure – which makes us feel alive, even euphoric. (Post:  Anger & the brain– #2).

Edie Weinstein, LSW wrote, “Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain from the craving, as seen in  impaired behavioral control, dysfunctional emotional responses, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and with interpersonal relationships….. ”

Because such people have not learned other ways to feel good, they become dependent on their anger. They’ll often create a crisis or look for jobs & relationships which provide the rush of excitement they ‘need’. They may look for ways to be offended & opportunities to pick fights – pouring more fuel on the fire – creating conflicts wherever they go. (MORE….)

• As with substance addicts, people who needs a daily anger “fix” can get antsy & irritable or lethargic & bored – when it’s not available. They feel mental tension & physical discomfort, so that when the craving is finally satisfied, they experience some relief. It becomes a vicious cycle – the more the brain wiring is reinforced, the more the anger-produced chemicals are strengthened

Anger-high is used to elevate depressed mood & release pent-up emotions. It gives the ‘adrenaline junkie’ a sense of being in control, & covers other emotions like fear, frustration, hurt, sadness… Anger is forceful, so it’s used to re-gain a sense of power & status, but without the internal assurance of actually being safe & worthwhile

Such people need intensity, so their anger takes on an all-or-nothing pattern, & catecholamine neuro-transmitters are released, causing a blast of kinetic energy, but the relief is short-lived, often followed by a nasty emotional hangover, creating more problems than it solves

▪️AGGRESSIVE anger (direct)
This is intense anger expressed in visible behavior, designed to hurt the person we experience as having harmed us, or who triggers our old pain.
The attacks are the result of focusing so strongly on our own personal needs & wounds. In this state we’re oblivious to consequences (a narcissistic lack of empathy), so we’ll act out, causing trouble

Anti-social / having a bad attitude : finger-pointing, ignoring people’s feelings, open defiance, prejudice, stealing, stirring up trouble, unfair punishments, wearing clothes or symbols associated with violent behavior, willful discrimination….

Physical: flashes of temper, physical or sexual violence of any kind (fist shaking, kicking, hitting, shoving, slapping, threaten with a weapon….), tailgating, excessively blowing car horn, slamming doors….

Verbal: used as armor & as a weapon, including vulgar or biased jokes, bickering, blaming, breaking a confidence, endless negativity & fault-finding, frightening by using threats of social or physical harm, foul language, insults, judging, labeling, malicious gossip, nagging, name-calling, refusal to talk, unjust accusations of immorality or of having detestable traits or motives….

ALSO: Sarcasm & Teasing – a way to express anger indirectly, with clever but cruel remarks disguised as humor.
EXP: “It’s OK that you’re late. I had time to read the menu―40 times!”

Teasers are often in denial about their underlying rage, thinking they’re just being funny, so they figure that if the recipient of a barbed witticism gets angry – that’s on
them. They feel justified in accusing the other person of over-reacting: “I’m just kidding…. you’re way too sensitive!”

But these kinds of comments are mean, so recipients will feel the hurt & withdraw or retaliate.  Although some people insist that mockery is a form of intellectual humor, the very word sarcasm is related to the Greek word ‘sarkazein’, meaning “to tear flesh like dogs.” Ouch! (MORE... 4 pages)

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 4)

Anger – Ways to REACT (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

escape

I LOSE MYSELF IN ESCAPE
when I can’t face my ange

PREVIOUS: Ways to react (#2)

 

LEVELS of anger – Variations
4. Three TYPES (cont.)
a. Hidden Type (Part 1)
b. Habitually IRRITATED Type  // c. EXPLOSIVE  (Part 2)

5. Anger EXPRESSIONS (CHART by Don Lehman Jr ↘️)
e. Last – Compassionate Confrontation – in next Post (#4)

a. Flight = (internal) running away from someone who is angry or is triggering our anger. This starts internally – shutting down emotionally, but can also take the form of temporary physical paralysis, leaving the situation as soon as possible, or permanently avoiding angry people / situations (isolation).
Sometimes the Flight response encourages aggression in the other person, if they feel disrespected or abandoned, adding to our Fear/Terror

Flight in adults is:
√ most often an inappropriate response to a current event – which may in fact not be abusive at all but is experienced that way – as a PTSD reaction from long-term childhood trauma
OR
√ appropriate when there’s a very real present-day abuser we need to get away from, which can be emotional & psychological, or a threat of imminent physical danger

b. Depression = (internal), when anger is not dealt with, & gets turned inward on oneself
• Lashing out can cause guilt & alienation, leading to depression OR
• Long-term depression creates isolation, make emotions overwhelming, & increases the likelihood of anger outbursts. Breaking this cycle usually requires therapy & sometimes meds. Al-Anon & Spirituality helps too.

c. Fight = (external) a verbally or physically violent confrontation, either to what’s ‘causing’ the anger or to the angry person. Usually a Fear cover-up reaction, the other half the Fight-Flight response hard-wired in our brain for protection.fight reaction
— Appropriate when we or someone / something we love is threatened
— Not appropriate in most current cases (also part of PTSD)
NOTE:
• Someone can accidentally step on our emotional toes (land-mine) & get blasted
• Unhealthy people who know us well, know our buttons & can always push them to manipulate, punish or get back at us (sibling, boss….)
• Some are perpetrators who use anger to get ‘a rise’ out of others, which many ACoAs will fall for, since we have hidden reservoirs of anger easily tapped into
• Narcissists can easily get us riled up because of their inability to consider us at all, as if we didn’t exist…….

d. Revenge = (external, indirect) can start as a retreat, in order to attack later (Passive-Aggressive), & can be habitual but unconscious.
When it’s deliberate, it includes obsessive planning, made between injury & retaliation.    IMAGE 🔽 : “Cycle of Revenge”

Considered consciously, these angry people start by evaluating the possibility of winning or losing. Because of the emotional intensity, they can easily overestimate their personal power – getting into unnecessary losing battles (Fight).

Revenge & Fight responses from an anger-victim are linked:
– Revenge as a desire foo regain control over a situation
– Revenge as retaliation for an injury (real or not). If someone is truly in a powerless position, it may seem the only option to express ‘displeasure’.
Both can lead to increasing external damage, as each pours gasoline on the emotional fire

Abused children:
– may vow to never again let themselves be vulnerable, so become hostile toward others on the theory that “a good offense is the best defense”
– may over-generalize & want to take revenge on an entire group (all men, all authorities….), only some of whom may have actually harmed them
– may be reinforced & rewarded by becoming a bully, finding that it helps raise their ‘street cred’.   (CHART + good info)

• However, if a perpetually angry person’s emotions do not completely overcome their reason so that they figure they’ll lose by using a frontal attack, (Fight) they’ll resorts to the P-A Revenge response.
Punishment is then dealt out just as in Fight, but done later – when the victim least expects it, maybe in small doses & anonymously, or may come in disguised form. (2 Posts : “ACoAs wanting Revenge“)

◀️ NOTE: Not Included in Lehman’s Chart, but part of the reactive sequence:
Freeze – Blanking out / dissociated, can’t talk, muscles get physically “scared stiff”.
Freezing is fight-or-flight on hold, preparing to protect yourself even more. It’s also called ‘reactive or attentive immobility’. It involves similar physical changes, but instead you stay completely still & get ready for the next move.

Fawn – a 4th F has been added, which is basically co-dependent people-pleasing .

NEXT: Ways to react (Part 4)

Anger – Ways to REACT (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

all tied up
I’M ALL TRIED UP
in my own inner red tape!

PREVIOUS: Ways to React (Part 1)

SITE: “Anger – The Hidden Anxiety Emotion”

 

4. Three TYPES of Anger (cont.)
a. Hidden  (Part 1)
b. Habitually IRRITATED Type
Physically : it can be part of untreated clinical depression, a side effect of drugs & alcohol abuse, or of some medications. Genetics & family mental illness can also play a part
Psychologically : the underpinning comes from being shamed / neglected / abused as a child, creating deep-seated fear & sense of powerlessness

Our WIC assumes everyone is dangerous, & defends against them by a brittle layer of anger/ rage. Repeated traumatic events, environmental stress & social / religious constrictions also contribute, preventing the sufferer from learning appropriate coping skills

• Chronically angry/ resentful people (including wounded Type As) have years of experiencing disappointment & frustration, leading them to continually expect more of the same, so it doesn’t take much for them to get angry at even small daily stressors.

Chronic resentment is an ego defense, by keeping track of injuries, dragging them around in a mental bag full of hurt. (From the Latin root : to feel anger over & over)
The more fragile a person’s sense of Self (missing True Self), the more resentment is needed – more important than accurate info, truth & reason, reinforced by greatly distorted thinking (see list of CDs).

• The default position of such people is to always assume & look for emotional potholes, justifying their anger. Stuck in a rut, they’re usually very predictable.  They tend to go through their days looking for a fight, seeing the worst in everyone & every situation. The need to devalue others – to protect themself – easily leads to verbal/ emotional abuse, & eventually to contempt & disgust in their relationships

Their toxic attitude keeps others emotionally & physically far away, which repeats the experience of childhood abandonment in the resenter. This reinforces their shame & so validates their feeling of un-lovability, which leads to even more anger. They report higher levels of family conflict & less social support – because of the effect their anger has on everyone they deal with.CHRONIC angerInternally 
• cranky, curmudgeonly (Jeff Dunham’s WALTER)
• perpetually cynical, bitter, judgmental, controlling
• dissatisfied with of everything, overly critical of themself
• passively resistant, interfering with their own progress
Externally
• Aggressive: overly critical, fault-finding, name-calling, sarcasm, cruelty, prejudice, cynical humor & teasing, flashes of temper or explosive rages
• Assaults: physical harm, verbal rage, slapping, shoving, using a weapon
• Hurtful: malicious gossip, stirring up trouble, stealing, mean pranks
• Rebellious:hating authority, indirectly challenging or openly defiant  (Questions to ask oneself re. symptoms)

c. EXPLOSIVE rage/ anger Type
This is a behavior disorder expressed by unplanned explosive outbursts, with verbal &/or physical abuse, such as impulsive screaming. The person’s reactions are triggered by relatively unimportant events, out of proportion to the actual situation

However, some people do notice their internal ‘warning signs’ before an outburst – such as physical tension, mood & energy changes…. but can’t stop themselves from reacting. (Wikipedia)
— Some become anger junkies, who get off on the adrenaline rush of emotional explosions, which get reinforced if the barrage lets them get their way, at least in the short-term

• Exploders ignore their hurt & anger for a long time, like a dormant volcano. When they finally erupt, the rage usually gets projected onto innocent victims (children, animals, the iPhone….) who didn’t cause the original pain – like hot lava, covering everything in sight.  It takes a lot to push them over the edge, but when that line is crossed, the earth shakes & everyone runs for cover.

EXP: “If you leave your jacket on the floor one more time, I’m leaving you!”
• The build-up usually comes from:
– long-term frustration about not getting one’s needs met in current situations (a marriage, a job….)
– long-term abuse /abandonment in intimate relationships (from parents, a spouse, s teacher….)

• Never taught how to deal with a wide range of hurt – from irritation to assaults – these people habitually swallow it until ‘stuffed’, & then let it out – inappropriately. Because humans can’t feel empathy & rage at the same time, the exploder will say & do overly harsh things they later regret.

EXPLOSIVE anger
NEXT: Ways to react (Part 3)

Anger – Ways to REACT (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-06-07 at 3.15.09 PMI HAVE LOTS OF OPTION
for expressing my anger!

PREVIOUS: Anger – Negative uses  (#2)

SITEs : The Logic of Emotion      

✦ Emotion Wheel app

✦ List of phrases about anger or conflict (date rape, hot-blooded, road rage, tit-for-tat….)   ✦ See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

NOTE: The following 5 posts give several versions of the basic ways to categorize how people react to their own or other people’s anger/rage (Unsafe <—-> Safe)

1. DYNAMICS of Anger Chart
A & C – OUTWARD anger at other people, places or things
A Indirect: sneaky or passive – without admitting or dealing with it
C Direct:
• Assaultive – physical, verbal & sexual cruelty
• Aggressive – attack on someone’s identity rather than their actions/ non-actions

MY dynamics of angerB  INWARD: suppressed & used against oneself, for FEAR of:
• losing control
• being disliked / rejected
• hurting / offending others
• the emotional intensity
• losing close relationship
• disobeying RULE  “Never get angry”
• too little communication / silent remoteness, depression

D Anger RESOLUTION, finding direct ways to manage, change or leave problem situations, using the Healthy Adult ego state

2. ANIMAL Symbolism
⬇️ CHART contrasts 3 ways of dealing with anger :
• Ostrich (Passive) = ignore, deny emotion
• Rhino (Aggressive) = attack, deny responsibility
3 anger ANIMALS• Elephant (Healthy) = be calm, understand, negotiate – expressed by:
a. Knowing ‘anger-signals’, from self or others, & then staying awake for them
b. Using a variety of productive & safe ways to respond (MORE….)

Use the S.M.A.R.T. action plan to deal with issues:
• Face the problem
• Ask questions to gather relevant info
• Re-frame – “What else could this situation mean?”
• Don’t take criticism personally, just learn from it – if possible. Side-step the WIC’s reactions
• Then let go of the whole thing. Forgive yourself, if necessary. (from the ELEPHANT JOURNAL)

3. MOOD MAPS – used to notice anger & in relation to other emotions
MOOD MAPS

 

CHART  ↘️
Appropriate expressions of anger are a way to be assertive (not aggressive)
• Unhealthy : dumping it on others or at oneself
• Ignoring : Suppressing it (denial) eventually leads toanger reactions depression4

NOTE: Speaking in a FIRM tone is not automatically an expression of anger. It can simply mean determination, being sure of something, or making a point.  This also applies to teaching, or correcting & providing discipline, which is meant to guide & support

🌀 However, if your WIC hears firmness, corrections or being giving direction as an attack or put-down, when it’s not meant as such, you’ll experience the same fear & weakness as if it were, based on childhood trauma.

4. Three TYPES of Anger
a. Hidden 
“Just because anger is hidden doesn’t mean it’s harmless. Just because it’s under wraps doesn’t mean it’s under control.”
For many of us, the need to deny the strength or even the existence of our anger is so powerful that we develop the ability to deny our anger even exists – unconsciously or by choice

• BUT – “Anger is such a powerful coping mechanism that repression & suppression are not actually successful. The more you try to avoid it, the more time & energy you ahave to spend with it. It’s a paradox.”  Dr. Roland Mairuo, Seattle MD. (+ Bible references)
Burying anger doesn’t diffuse it, it just burrow underground, where it undermines our sense of Self. The force of it will find other, secondary outlets when not allowed out directly & appropriately, usually in damaging ways

• Freud once likened anger to the smoke in an old-fashioned wood burning stove. The normal avenue for the discharge of smoke is up the flue & out the chimney.
If this is blocked, the smoke will leak out in unintended ways…. around the door, through the grate…. choking everyone in the room. If all avenues of escape are blocked, the fire will go out & the stove is useless.

Humans are the same – if anger is suppressed, it leaks out anyway. If suppressed for too long, we become cold inside & hard outside.
Normal human expression of anger is seen in big physical movements &/or loud vocalization, as in unhappy babies.

HIDDERN anger

NEXT: Ways to React (Part 2)