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POST : CHILDREN’S Love Languages

REVIEW – You you feel most loved when :
✔️ Acts of Service – loved-ones do things for you that either take a chore off of your plate or that pamper you. Re. $$ – you feel most supported when you have enough to pay for services that make your life easier.

✔️ Physical Touch –  your partner kisses, hugs & holds your hand in public. Re. $$ – You feel most abundant when you have cash in your wallet, are counting & organizing your money. Touching the money feels satisfying, so prefer to buy things with cash

✔️ Quality Time –  spending time just being in the presence of your loved ones Re. $$ – You feel most supported when your money stays with you for a while. You’re unhappy if it leaves your account as fast as it comes in – like money is abandoning you!

✔️ Receiving Gifts –  receiving gifts of all kinds. You probably also love shopping, wrapping, & giving to others. Re. $$ – you feel prosperous when there’s enough money to pay for the things & experiences you want

✔️ Words of Affirmation – your partner or other family members say they love & appreciate you. Re. $$ – you feel supported by money when you give & receive communication about your finances. You enjoy talking about it with close people, meeting with your Money Team, getting notices about receiving payments…

MONEY LANGUAGES
We communicate in our most fluent love language — doing whatever we would otherwise do – but on a grander scale, using money as a resource

🔺 BORROWING
Traits: Are a big-picture thinker, can assess risks vs gains
Signs of love: Taking out a mortgage, student loans for child’s college fund… 

“There’s a difference between debt in general, vs. good / bad debt.  Leverage gives you access, & catapults you in a direction you want to go. Knowing how to use borrowing can work in your favor, & could be a great love language.” Tapping into “good debt” can open doors to opportunities you wouldn’t have access to otherwise. 

🔺 EARNING
Traits: Hardworking, diligent, persistent
Signs of love: Working extra hours or taking on additional jobs to make sure your family is taken care of

If you grew up in a family where parents worked hard to provide for you, you’re know that working hard to cover bills can translate to a money love language. This could be a parent or partner who works multiple jobs or side hustles for extra cash. 

🔺 INVESTING
Traits: Forward-thinking, builder mentality
Signs of love: IRAs, investing in a discount brokerage or micro investing platform

You think ahead, paying attention to what you’re building for the long-term, thinking beyond you own income & ability to just have money today

🔺 PROTECTING
Traits: Consider all potential scenarios, tends to worry
Signs of love: Insurance policies, estate plan

Concerned about protecting loved ones, you might purchase disability or life insurance, with family members as beneficiaries. This may not seem very romantic, but will help them be financially secure should you get very sick or pass away.

On the legal side – creating generational wealth, requires a will, trust….. Put it on paper. To start building, have an idea of what you’d like included in an estate plan

🔺 SAVING
Traits: Frugal, prudent, resourceful
Signs of love: Establishing an emergency fund, savings account

Stashing money in an emergency fund might not be a flashy, exuberant expression of love. You’re more frugal, rather than going on expensive dates or extravagant financial outing. But when you set up a savings account for someone, you show you care & want that person to have safety net when tough times happen.

🔺 SPENDING
Traits: Fun-loving, spontaneous, impulsive
Signs of love: Surprise outings, meals to new restaurants, day trips

This person is more spontaneous, impulsive, & flexible, living in the here- &-now. Love language Spenders shower others with gifts, impromptu concerts, a meal out, & love to wine & dine friends & family, wanting to enjoy rich, memorable experiences with you people they love

FROM :  The Financial Freedom Formula: 5 Steps to Decrease Debt, Increase Your Income and Save Money.

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PREVIOUS :  – MBTI Money – Es & Is – #1

POST s: Review  “Money Madness – GENERAL”
and  Myers-Briggs INTRO (Part 2a)

Personality traits & income
The reason personalities correlate with income is that some personality types are attracted to certain career paths. Some naturally look for high-income jobs and positions, while others are attracted to a job that fits their values.

The income differences between personality types are dramatic. There was a difference of more than $26,000 between ENTJs and INFPs. The researchers found that Extraverts, Thinkers, and Judgers have higher earning power than their counterparts.

The study also found that certain traits predict earnings. The personality traits that correlate the most with higher income are ambitious, challenging, expressive, and objective.

While the study found that there are certain behaviors that can impact your income, it is more important to focus on your natural strengths than trying to change your personality. The statistics just show the “average” income based on personality types.

It doesn’t mean you can’t make a great living if you have a certain personality type but it generally lets you know which preferences are more natural for you. You are more likely to maximize your earning power if you are honest with yourself and are self-aware of your skill sets. The biggest impact on your income potential is how hard you work!

INJs see money as a way to deepen their perspective or work towards meaning. Both types are concerned with saving & security, but not to the extent that EJs usually are.
INTJs are very objective about money, seeing ways they can invest it to maximize  returns.
INFJs are more likely to use money as a way to pursue their calling or mission, whether that means helping out a charity or taking a class. Both types highly value education and will put a great deal of money towards broadening their knowledge base. When they have extra money, they put less of it towards furniture and fashion and more of it towards education, travel, and creative pursuits.

These 2 types are less concerned with flashy spending & deeply padded savings account & more about using money to pursue their unique interests. Putting money into hobbies & creative pursuits is usually a high priority. Sometimes that means buying books & art supplies, &it may be survival gear to backpack through Alaska.

They’re not usually fixated on budgeting, but do try to prioritize paying their bills on time. They enjoy living in comfortable surroundings tailored to their interests.But they’re not snobby about top quality furniture or name-brand appliances. Tangible things hold less interest than tools or experiences that inspire them or let them to pursue their interests in-depth.

EJs  are the most frequent types to plan towards retirement & future investments. However, because they both have Intuition (N) in common, their budgets they’re not as detailed & precise as ESJs typically are. They tend to see all the future potential their money could provide – whether that means investing it in a business, putting it towards a non-profit, or using it to play the stock markets.

It’s vital to ENJs that they see some future return from current earnings. While they like having a padded savings account & a retirement plan, they don’t want to get so caught up saving money that they waste opportunities to expand its possibilities. When they have any extra, they enjoy using it towards investments, education, travel, charity, or any experiences that will broaden their “world”.

Not afraid of risks, these types see money as a way to live life to the fullest & enhance their experiences and understanding. Typically fond of travel, they enjoy seeing different parts of the world as a way to inspire new ideas. Having a full savings account & retirement plan is less important than feeling like they’ve “seized the day”.

As they reach mid-life & beyond – they can become focused on making sure they’re financially responsible. Still, they will usually make are to take some “fun money” out of each paycheck for exciting new experience. Both types enjoy putting money towards travel, education, books & entrepreneurial opportunities.

VARIATION

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PREVIOUS:

SITEs :  “Mastering Your Finances According to Your MBTI Personality Type”
◆ Career paths for each MBTI Type
◆ How does your personality type affect your income?

Personality type that makes the least $
Those with the INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving) personality type on average earn the least. INFP’s are service-oriented people, usually putting the needs of others above their own.

Since they are loyal and devoted to other people and causes, it makes sense that making money isn’t their primary goal.

They value deep and authentic relationships and are introverted, so they tend to miss opportunities that may give them chances to make more money. Freedom and flexibility in their career are more important than income potential. Many INFP’s are artists, musicians, and creative writers. This is why many INFPs epitomize the term “starving artists.”
(FROM David S. Chang, entrepreneur and financial planner)

Money is about experience & enjoyment for these 2 personality types. They want to live life to the fullest, & money is a resource to make that possible. Spontaneous trips across the world, tickets to music festivals, or putting money down on bold business ventures adds excitement.
They don’t mind taking some financial risks, especially if the reward seems possible. Entrepreneurially-minded, to them playing it safe means missing out on some of the joys & thrills in life. As these types get into mid-life they tend to prioritize saving more, but will always try to make sure they have some “wiggle room” for spontaneous adventures & fun.

When it comes to money, these types are some of the most structured. They like detailed, specific budgets & will balance them to the tee. Planning for retirement & saving for their children’s college are big priorities. When they feel secure with a cushion in savings, they’ll enjoy finding ways to enrich their life.

Often they splurge on things like high-quality furniture, kitchen or home tools, or club memberships & save up for a yearly vacation to a well-loved location.
ESTJs have a knack for taking calculated risks & making strong investments.
ESFJs enjoy gift-giving, saving up for group experiences & tasteful, high-end clothing.

These types have a flexible approach with money. They enjoy having a regular financial amount set aside in case of an emergency, but also like the freedom to use it when fun opportunities pop up. Whether that means investing in a winery or backpacking across Europe, they are always on the lookout for adventures that will make them feel like they have truly lived.
ISPs see money for enjoying their hobbies & interests. If  married, they tend to enjoy living in comfort, with high-quality furnishings & home appliances. They may use their money for friends in need, helping out in a crisis or emergency.

These types are all about saving for a rainy day. Detailed & precise with their budgets, ISJs prioritize paying their bills & having a well-padded savings account. Practical & dutiful, they’re likely to attend a Dave Ramsey conference or hire a financial advisor.

In fact, according to the MBTI® Manual, ISTJs are the most frequent accountants. Paying off student loans, mortgages, & bills ahead of schedule is important to them. When they do have extra money, they enjoy spending it on comforts that make life more enjoyable. High-quality furniture, outings to their favorite restaurants, & trips to favorite vacation spots are fun while ensuring they stay within their means

VARIATION

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PREVIOUS: MM GENDER Differences (#2)

POSTS :   REVIEW Intros

AXIS 1 — Extraversion vs Introversion
The first axis in the MBTI is the E-I pair, describing how each of us sources our energy.
Es : you tend to become energized the more you interact with people, & find social activities uplifting & refreshing
Is : you regularly need to spend time by yourself to ponder & reflect, to recharge.

$ Money traits of E-I
Es: Because of their sociable nature, Es tend to overspend on social activities, or pulling out all the stops for their annual vacation with friends. This can lead to regrettable impulse buys, with credit card debt &/or little to no savings.

Is – who rely mostly on their own judgment – can tend to take too narrow a view, so they may miss out on good financial opportunities. They could also be locked into a repeating pattern of sub-optimal purchases or investments because they simply lack a different viewpoint.

AXIS 2 — Sensing vs Intuition
The S-N (N for iNtuition) pair describes how you take in information, & how you arrive at decisions or conclusions.
S people tend to seek information that is detailed, specific & sequential.
Ns have a preference for the ‘big picture’, so they can intuit for themself what it all means.

$ Money traits of S-N
Ss often show a knack for managing detailed data, the ones who most often remembers what each person ordered at dinner, and what they owe. However, this hyper-focus on details can cause them trouble.

– Extraverted Sensers (ES) tend to have a “right-here right-now” approach to money, so they can have trouble seeing how their money decisions affect long-term plans.

– Introverted Sensers (IS) might become too invested in their own data, so they have trouble considering alternative ideas. This can prevent them from making meaningful progress towards their money goals.

Ns have no trouble coming up with future financial goals – but may not know how to get there. An S can help them work out a detailed plan.

AXIS 3 —  Thinking vs Feeling
The T-F pair describes how you evaluate the information you’ve gathered (from the 2nd axis).
Thinkers tend to think about the task at hand, & the decisions they come up with are often objective & logical.

Feelers are aware of how their decisions & actions affect the people around them. So they tend to weigh their choices against the possible consequences to others.

$ Money traits of T-F
Ts are rational, including when it comes to financial matters. While this is generally positive, they may over-analyze even small financial decisions, which could delay or sacrifice personal financial goals. Learning how to feel about things will greatly help.

Fs – because they place other’s feelings highly, may run the risk of making bad financial decisions just to please others. Or, they may let their emotions override logic – leading to some questionable financial choices.
They should regularly challenge their money decisions, maybe by listing logical arguments for & against.

AXIS 4 — Judging vs Perceiving
The J-P pair is concerned with how we organize the world. People tend to fall into two types : those who want tidy conclusions, & those who prefer having things more open-ended.

Judges like closure. They like making decisions, & happily tick things off as they go through their To-Do list.

Perceivers prefer not to rush into decisions. They’re more comfortable leaving things open-ended, taking a more spontaneous approach to life.

$ Money traits of J-P
Js feel a sense of satisfaction from closure, so they’re also prone to rushing into decisions – even if they don’t have the full picture. This can cause messy financial situations that could cost them losses. Restraint is needed.

Ps tend to make decisions too slowly. Because of their more casual & flexible attitude, they procrastinate about financial matters. This could lead to missing good opportunities, or worse, never putting important money matters in place.

Setting boundaries around important topics – such as a deadline – can ‘force’ them to make a decision or take action.
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PREVIOUS :  MM- Archetypes, #6

POST : Narcissists’ FINANCIAL Abuses

💴💰🧧 Is Psychology of Money a Gendered Affair?
Gender differences in the financial domain is gaining increasing attention, as evidenced by the UN 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development. An extensive analytical strategy was employed on Scopus, Web of Science, PsycINFO, & EconLit – identifying 100 empirical papers on the topic, published between 1972 & 2021.
** These include papers from Asia, Europe, North America, Africa….

CONCLUSIONS : The research revealed clear differences in how men & women approach money — in attitude & symbolically — while money management practices turned out to be more complex & sometimes conflicting. Re. financial behaviors, studies indicate that both genders have similar approaches to savings & expenses monitoring, but financial investments are mainly pursued by men.
💙 Men often look at it as a symbol of success & power
💛 Women have more ambivalent attitudes, money as both a source of anxiety & a tool to ensure their security & prove their love to others. (MORE… with charts)

✔️ Sex Differences in Money Pathology in the General Population
Studies published in 2014 point to the psychological power of money. Interest has been particularly concerned with the relationship of it to happiness, & its role in personal relationships & in the workplace.
This study examined sex differences in money beliefs & behaviors. Over 100,000 British participants completed 2 measures online, one assessing “money pathology”  & the other four “money types” based on emotional associations.

 Gender can have an impact on how people experience the link between money & mental health.  Nearly all measures showed significant sex differences with medium-to-large effect, with females exhibiting more “money pathology” than males –
💙 men were more likely to be Hoarders
💛 while women did more emotional-regulation purchasing.
The biggest differences showed money being associated with :
♠ Autonomy (money = freedom) men scored higher
♥ Generosity (money = love) : men scoring much lower than females
♠ Power & Security = men, more than women  (MORE….)

Another study, finding from the Journal of Economic Psychology, reported consistently large differences in M vs F money styles. Although both genders tend to see money to be closely linked with Esteem & Power, the research concluded that :
💙 males are more prone to feel involved with & competent in handling money, & take risks to amass wealth
💛 females have a greater sense of envy & deprivation as a way of obtaining things & experiences which they can enjoy in the present.

Demographics – like gender, age & ethnicity – affect how we experience money & mental health problems (MHP).
💛 women with MHP are more likely to have trouble keeping up with domestic bills & credit commitments (59%),
💙 versus 52% of men with MHP.
NOTE :
Financial troubles are a common cause of anxiety, which drastically reduces recovery rates for common MH conditions.  Combined with a range of social issues, life events, cognitive & personality factors, people with depression PLUS problem debt –  are 4.2x more likely to still have depression 18 months later. And research found a strong link between problem debt & suicide, with more than 100,000 people in England attempting suicide each year because of it.

⬇️ Main results re. gender differences in money attitudes  

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PREVIOUS : MM, Archetypes, #6

SITE: Male vs Female Spending STATISTICS

Book (YouTube) :   “Money Madness”  — Herb Goldberg & Phil Donahue

In spite of society’s advancements, there are still significant differences in Male vs Female attitudes & habits about money & its management. Dozens of studies have been created on this subject, with research from around the globe.
EXP : In 2019, UBS Global Wealth Management published a study revealing that 58% of women tend to leave money decisions up to their partners.

USA  – ✔️ Financial goals
A recent survey by The Motley Fool (2018) found they tend to have different priorities
💙 Men are most likely to view saving for a vacation as their top financial goal, followed closely by paying off credit card debt
💛 Women had identical goals, but named debt repayment is bigger

✔️ Investing
💙 Men seem to take more of an interest in investing. 70% of millennial men enjoy managing their investments compared to just 36% of millennial women.
Because of this, men tend to feel confident in their financial knowledge & are more open to risky investments.

💛 Women tend to be cautious, patient investors. Interestingly enough, while females are more likely to admit they know very little about investing, their conservative approach puts them slightly ahead of men over the long term –  because – while they produce smaller gains, they also see smaller losses. Infographic

✔️ Savings goals
Although both have similar financial goals, there’s a vast difference between how much money each gender sets aside .

💛  American women nearing retirement have an average of $81,300 in retirement funds, 
💙 Their male counterparts have $118,400.

However, if you look at the percentage they save from their paychecks, women come in first place. A recent Vanguard study found that women are more likely to participate in workplace retirement plans, putting up to 8% more of their pretax earnings than men in the same earnings bracket.

The discrepancy between $$ amounts saved & the % of income earmarked for savings can be accounted for because the average woman is still earning less than the average man. 

EXP: According to the Census Bureau, the gender pay gap in Louisiana is by far the worst in the nation with a 31% differential. So, women working full-time there make only 69% of what the average full-time working male makes.

✔️ Spending habits
Overall: Single men outspent single women, but only by a slight margin. 💛 women = approx. $33,786., 💙 men $35,018 a year.
– while remembering that men earn roughly $10,000 more per year.

Multiple studies indicate that women are more price-conscious shoppers than men
💛 71% of women say the last item they bought online was on sale
💙 compared to only 57% of men.

💛 Additionally, 74% of millennial women say they look for coupons when shopping online,
💙 compared to 65% of millennial men

✔️ Shopping attitudes
A study by the Wharton School of Business titled “Men Buy, Women Shop” found that :
💙 most men just want to make their purchase & get out
💛 women are more likely to view shopping as a recreational activity, so may be quicker to spot a deal. (How each GENDER SPENDS their MONEY )

✔️ Cars
💙 Men spent a total of $5,507 a year on personal transportation costs
💛 compared to women’s $4,273. However, they spent nearly twice as much on car insurance than their male counterparts, $1,000 per year vs. men  $500.

✔️ Clothing:
💛 Women spent $1,140 per year on apparel
💙  while men spent $813. Interestingly, M & F spend the same amount on shoes = $190 per year.

✔️ Food
💙 Single men spent $4,173 annually on grub, 💛 while ladies spent $3,680. Men also spent more than double on alcohol, $537 vs. $234.

✔️ Healthcare
💛 Women tend to spend slightly more across all healthcare categories. The largest being drugs & medical services, spending more than $200 per year more than men. On things like X-rays and doctor’s appointments, women spend just over $200 per year more than men

✔️ Personal care
💛  Ladies vastly outspent men on personal care products & services. On average, women were willing to pay around $714 a year on self-care, while men spent closer to $297.

✔️ Student Loan Debt
According to the American Association of University Women (AAUW) 2021 Deeper in Debt report. women held approximately 55% of total student debt, & owe approximately 16% more than men at graduation. On average, 💙 men owe $18,880 in student debt while 💛  women owe $31,276.

NEXT : MM – GENDER Differences (#2)

PREVIOUS : Power Grabbers (#1)

POSTS : “Power -Personal….. (20 posts)

AW = Autonomy worshipers, (in 5/25)
LB = Love Dealers
SC = Security Collectors
PG = Power Grabbers

4. POWER Grabbers (cont) = pg. 126, “MM” by Goldberg & Lewis
a. The Manipulator // b. Empire Builder

c. The GODFATHER (G)
◆ Underlying issue : Behind the quiet & kindly exterior is a very angry & hostile person, which is tightly suppressed. If their authority is not threatened, their anger is only expressed indirectly.
They were embarrassed & overly controlled as a child, to the point of humiliation. It left them with a dread of any form of put-down, real or imagined. “Respect” is always demanded.  Constantly concerned with not being humiliated, they have a powerful obsession to never feel ‘small’.

◆ Payoff  : Because they wield power, there’re usually respected. But this is more often from fear than from love. However, if the godfather can project benevolence, they’ll receive admiration, even affection. They may be able to buy loyalty & devotion, using money to gather an army of “yes-people” who will devote their lives to  doing the will of the ‘master’. Being able to thoroughly control others helps erase the leader’s early feeling of frustration & powerlessness. Many insecure people are attracted to godfather types because they’re experienced as strong & protective, but who end up as zombies – all initiative & individuality destroyed.

◆ Cost :  No matter how ‘generous’,  the godfather never builds meaningful personal relationships – with anyone. He/she may use every possible tactic to keep family members dependent on themself for those people’s very existence,  with the attitude of owning them the same as their house, car, business…  Everyone around them has to walk on eggshells because the tyrant’s rage can flare up unexpectedly – if challenged.
Ironically, godfather types are actually quite dependent on their subservient mate, children, employees….  because they need others to control.

In this category : The main characteristic is summed up by Teddy Roosevelt’s saying  “Speak softly & carry a big stick”.  Godfathers act graciously to those they tightly manipulate – as long as the subject conforms & does what’s expected of them. They’ve learned that people & power can be bought with money, & that their rage can be channeled that way to never be at anyone’s mercy again.

GREEN GIANT (GG) Syndrome
◆ Underlying issue : Power grabbers react with intense anger to being threatened & their needs severely ignored – in childhood. Most are men, & most had a terrible relation with their father : alcoholic, ineffectual & weak. They express this pain with indirect aggression,  not always obvious or even conscious.
If the father was the macho abusive military type ….  the son felt humiliated, not able to overcome the sources of his frustration. They developed the familiar “identifying with the aggressor” – internalizing the value system of their torment. The external threat became internalized, allowing them the illusion of controlling the danger, masking the feeling of being a helpless victim.

A few are women – such as Helena Rubinstein, & Lucille Ball…. However, female GGs are more likely to be the “power behind the throne”, controlling the powerful spouse, or manipulating the mate to become a financial giant (Betty Burnside..

In this category :  Unlike many other angry PGs, those who become Green Giants don’t usually resort to physical assault or join others in fighting / brawling. To feel safe, they gradually come to use money as a barrier against a ‘threatening’ world. It provides them with the power to attack & intimidate others, masking a sense of impotence.

◆ SPOTTING a GG : Being thoroughly cynical, they sneer at the idea that anyone can act out of compassion or humanitarian motives. Money is their only source of  power, so if that gets cut off they revert to feeling impotent.  They expect everyone to mistreat them & this attitude denies their paranoia, which is an underlying rage being projected out on to others.
GGs exhibit type As characteristics, many overworking themselves into a heart attack & early death. Since they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior they refuse or misuse counseling.
They rarely give or receive love, but demand loyalty & respect. However, they secretly believe that without money & power, everyone would abandon them. Fantasizing that their accumulation will bring affection, their paranoia increase, leaving them more & more suspicion & isolated.

AWARENESS

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PREVIOUS : Security Collectors, #2

4. POWER Grabbers  = (pg. 126, “MM” by Goldberg & Lewis)

a. The MANIPULATOR
◆ Underlying issue : Manipulators experienced a lot of deprivation early in life, so compensate by developing the ability to move  people around like puppets.  This hides feeling frustrated & powerless.
They have an exaggerated need to be important to offset the deep feeling of inadequacy.
In their mind, everyone is either a winner or a loser.  All of their energy is directed toward ending ‘on top’ – the alternative being abhorrent. Their major characteristic is  not having a conscience, so they don’t feel guilt. They misrepresent themself, play one person off against another, take advantage of loopholes in the law…

◆ Payoff : Controlling others with accumulated money & power is a symbolic way to get back at those who manipulated & controlled them early on – to even the score. These types can be found in any & every walk of life – parents,  doctors, lawyers, teachers,  clergy….

A secondary benefit is that successful ones lead ‘exciting’ lives. They mingle with important people & have access to power-circles.  Even the slightly less prosperous manipulators can gain respect & approval based on their level of power & money.

◆ Cost :  A main one if the loss of integrity. although the manipulator considers it an inhibiting weakness.  OR it may be a heavy price for someone who becomes manipulative gradually – on the slippery slope of compromising their weak personal standards. Once sold, it’s hard to buy it back.
Becoming successful, they gradually retreat into a fantasy world, where they can make up their own rules. The law is for fools  but can be use to their benefit. They use power to get more money & that money to get more power.

In this category : Psychologist have found that manipulators have a strong self-destructive streak. Eventually as their arrogance becomes more blatant, they do get caught, but are shocked they can’t talk their way out of trouble. Also, as they become more successful, their desperation increases, because the rewards they’re working so hard for are empty, even boring. Ironically, assuming there’re above everyone else, manipulators can be taken advantage of by someone cleverer than themselves.

b. EMPIRE BUILDER (EB)
◆ Underlying issue : In many cases they lost or were rejected by a parent,  concluding that they can’t rely on anyone other than themself.  Their main motivation is to suppress feeling powerless & weak, carried over from childhood.  They can’t tolerate being dominated, but ironically have an unconscious need for dependency.
Their fear of being exploited leads to never asking for anything from anyone. So the alternative to being vulnerable is being the one who dominates, making others be dependent on them – the compliant wife, the cowed employees… while the children often become rebels to break away from the oppressive control.

◆ Payoff : Their empire might be large or small – being able to create an ‘kingdom’ represents success. As long as they hold on to their money,  holdings, property…. they avoid their horror of neediness & impotence. Having “made it” gives them a feeling of accomplishment & internal satisfaction, as well as being admired & respected by admirer & competitors.
By controlling their rage & with enough money – some can mask their terror  by acting generous & protective. They provide the “better things in life” for themself & family – a better clothes, cars, neighborhood, schools, vacations,  toys….

◆ Cost : They can only relate to others in terms of being “one-up”, all relationships being a power struggle, without warmth or tenderness. The compulsion that drives them to empire build – makes them poor mates & parents, often running the family like a business. They make demands & give orders, tyrannizing everyone. resulting in alienation & being hated.

Their constant focus on achieving & running their domain prevents them from enjoying their accomplishments, being too busy to appreciate what they’ve worked so hard for.  They feel guilty when not working & ‘producing’, dreading social events & holidays.  Their friendships are superficial, people selected from business, who are left behind when projects & contracts end, so are made to feel unimportant.
Actually, their obsession with empire building fulfills a hidden need to isolate from a world they experience as hostile & competitive, seeing people as either allies or enemies.

In this category : Like kings of old, EBs set out to expand & increase their sphere of power & influence. A main characteristic is an overriding drive for self-reliance & independence. They’re ambitions, driven & aggressive, willing to work hard to get what they want.

NEXT : Power Grabbers , #2

PREVIOUS : SECURITY Collectors (#1)

3. SECURITY Collectors 

a. Compulsive saver

b. SELF-DENIER (S-D)
◆ Underlying issue : they play the victim, using that as a way to feel safe. They stress their emotional & financial lack, with the sneaky hope that others will feel sorry for them & offer help. They consider that self-denial & self-sacrifice are virtues, assuming others will compliment & reward them for their unselfish martyrdom.

◆ Payoff : By denying their need for anyone or any “extras” in life, they expect to get sympathy & admiration, rather than contempt & rejection. This is their effort to minimize their fear & distrust of everyone, making the world a slightly safer place.  If they can convince others that they’re satisfied with a Spartan lifestyle & so are no threat of causing envy or resentment,  then – others will relax around them & treat them kindly.
When dealing with ‘rescuing types’, determined S-D can manipulate sympathy into practical help (loans, gift, subsidies….)

◆ Cost : Normal activities that are pleasurable & satisfying or would contribute to meaningful relationships – creates anxiety & insecurity. Their satisfaction comes from doing without, even when they can afford more.  However – these limitations prevent accomplishments & connections, which further erodes self-esteem & self- actualization.

In this category — Health & happiness are unimportant, with an only focus on accumulating money, rationalizing it’s for a rainy day or retirement., but for them every day is ‘rainy”.
They feel guilty spending any money on themself, & their pride is : “In a cold, cruel world no one cares if I live or die – but I won’t let it get me down”.

c. Compulsive BARGAIN HUNTER (cBH)
◆ Underlying issue : cBH are trying to shore up their ego (sense of identity) by seemingly outsmarting others – both the sellers & buyers who pay full price. They only consider the price of an object, never its value or usefulness.
Underneath, they’re covering up a nagging feeling of emptiness, deprived of something that would have given them a sense of security & comfort. Money, attention & love would’ve been scarce & their sibling(s) may have been favored over them.

◆ Payoff : 1. They get a sense of security from believing they cn can survive longer than others because their money will last longer.
2. They believe they’re cleverer by outsmarting others, & in some cases may be admired by friends, be asked for advice for their astuteness, or envied by others.
3. They may temporarily feel more secure & less vulnerable because they can manipulate their environment into giving them something more than what they paid for it.

◆ Cost : In spite of their self-deception of cleverness, actually they often get shortchanged. Because they only focus on price rather than quality, sellers can take advantage of the CBH & sell them inferior items.
Or – they buy clothes that don’t fit or are not suitable – because of a designer label & are on sale.  Their compulsion (addiction) leads to buying things they don’t need – at all, or can’t actually afford.
The excessive time they squander bargain hunting could have been spent doing something more productive or pleasurable.

In this category : The effort they put in to cope with insecurity & distrust is actually self-destructive, they’ can easily become the victim of “get rich quick” schemes, investing in false promises. They disregard sound judgement & helpful advice, becoming the very sucker they’re trying to avoid.

d. FANATIC COLLLECTOR
◆ Underlying issue : They turn away from people for comfort, help & security – trying to get gratification from things – to survive a cold & rejecting world. From earliest childhood they knew they couldn’t rely on their parents for the security they needed. Their only source of identity was from their possessions.

◆ Payoff : They avoid loneliness & isolation by spending endless hours collecting, displaying & admiring their treasures. Having the largest & best collections gives them a feeling of superiority & power.  If they become an authority on a category,  it provides respect & admiration.

Those who are socially awkward may even project human qualities on their favored objects, treating them as friends who they can safely talk to. These treasures don’t talk back, get angry, make demands or compete.

◆ Cost :  To acquire a coveted item becomes a matter of life & death to the obsessed collector. It overrules the consideration for any other person or aspect in their life. Suspicious that others will grab it away, they gradually alienate family & friends. Because objects are more important than relationships, they neglect everyday responsibilities & problems.

In this category : They may have been an only child, or unusual in some way, isolated or bullied. Parents gave them toys instead of attention…. Becoming afraid of loving people, they shower love & devotion on those objects – that can ‘never abandon’ them.

NEXT : MM – POWER Grabbers, #1

PREVIOUS : MM – Love Dealers, #2

POSTs :”Risk Averse”
😨 “Patterns of Mistrust”

AW = Autonomy worshipers,
(in 5/25)
LB = Love Dealers (in 6/07)
SC = Security Collectors
PG = Power Grabbers

3. SECURITY Collectors  (pg 102, “MM” by Goldberg & Lewis)

🔻 SAFTY-FIRST  Syndrome
EXP == W.C. Field’s fear of losing his money caused him to open 200 bank accounts, some of which were never found. Psychologists Goldberg and Lewis cite this as an example of money-related paranoia.

For the S-C, any money spent on pleasure or ‘unnecessary’ items is money wasted. This “sin” is compounded by wasting time – not spent making money. “Time is money” is a Ben Franking quote.

☀︎ Distrust is the cornerstone of the Security Collector (SC) – of people, the world & the future. The possible exception is money – not because of its purchasing power, but because having it makes the owner less anxious, & therefore safer – the SC main goal. 

If the child can’t depend on consistent, loving parents & other authorities, they learn to distrust, & will look for something else to rely on. Unless in poverty, the thing they find to lean on in money. At first the fear of loss is of realistic & practical things.

Eventually, as they depends more on & more on the amount in their bank account for self-esteem & safety, the fear of financial loss becomes all consuming. This preoccupation (obsession) prevents them from thinking in terms of winning, not being able to enjoy the benefits & relaxation their money could provide.

☀︎ Recognizing it –  Over time, S-collectors depend more & more on money for security & self-esteem, so that financial loss is the greatest & constant worry.
Forming internal trust or distrust depends on the quality of mothering received in infancy. Harvard prof Erik Erikson identified Trust as the first stage of development toward social maturity. Without it, responsible adulthood is not possible.

TYPEs
a. COMPULSIVE SAVER (CS)
◆ Underlying issue : these parents did not provide the child’s PMES needs to deal with normal childhood vulnerability & powerlessness (real or imagined ‘dangers’ of infancy).
This left the child forever feeling unable to cope with a world that seems threatening & overpowering. No amount of money is ever enough to quell the insatiable craving to keep accumulating – no  matter how great the bank account’s total. The terror is that some tragedy – out of their control – will wipe it all out, or it will all somehow be stolen!

◆ Payoff : money in the bank helps to lessen their sense of emotional insecurity. Their accumulated wealth allows them to withstand real economic crises, as well as any imaginary doom that does not materialize.  There are parts of society that hold them up as an example of the virtue of thrift, who believe that people get rich by saving their pennies. When some CS experience their compulsion to be socially admired & valued, they may turn saving into a form of religious zeal, letting them feel noble & superior.

◆ Cost : the biggest price are the lost opportunities to enjoy intimate relationships & valuable friendships. An intense focus on making, saving & hoarding money in its various forms – make them distant, boring & selfish. They become defensive rather than relaxed, more secretive & withdrawn.The more they have the more they worry about losing it. The suspicion that others only want to be with them for their money makes the uneasy to be around.

Beside deprive themself of social pleasure, some CS may be vulnerable to physical problems, including various psychosomatic complaints. They skimp on self-care & medical visits, often ignoring small signs of illness which lead to unrepairable damage. To add to their pile they work extra long hours, tolerating severe fatigue, without breaks or rest, so the combination of neglect & stress eventually take their toll

🔺 Breaking out of it
Money attitudes that are learned at an early age can be unlearned. Their importance is often overlooked by psychotherapists, who – the authors believe – sometimes have their own “money madness”.  –Publisher’s Weekly

NEXT : MM – Security Collectors, #2