self-help

ACoAs MANIPULATING Self & Others (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

controling manipulatorPREVIOUS: Multiple Intelligences

SITE: “Steve Jobs” – biography by Walter Isaacson  & Commentary by Dave Smith

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

DEFs : Manipulation (M) is made up of a series of statement &/or actions, always indirectly trying to &/or succeeding in get our needs/wants met, in round-about ways

 

Normal – must be used sparingly, & only when there is no other legitimate option. When used for good, one can try to manipulate others to help a worthy cause, but even when well-intended, for M to be effective it has to target people’s weak spots

Unhealthy  – Because M is never straightforward, it’s hard to spot, especially when used by an experiences & skilled perpetrator, for strictly selfish reasons (narcissistically).
The subtle control of M can easily be overlooked or denied – our awareness buried under obligation, love, guilt, fear of abuse, FoA & long-term exposure

Severe – A perpetrator / bully forcefully controls another person or group who feel or actually are powerless to resist (child, battered spouse, sex slaves, gang members, war victims…..) to satisfy the manipulator’s ‘sick’ needs

PURPOSE – For ACoAs, addicts & other wounded people:
• M. is used to try getting needs/wants met by underhanded tactics, to extract from other PPT something they may or not want to give
• OR trying to force PPT (person, group, environment) to provide something we need/want which they actually do not have tomental fitness pyramid give
• AND which in many cases we can provide for ourselves OR find a more direct way of obtaining something we lack – from appropriate sources

Re. NEEDS: It’s important to note the 2 major categories of needs.
Without deep FoO work we compulsively, slavishly insist on reinforcing unhealthy childhood patterns.
This insures that we stay deprived the same ways we were back then.
Normal needs
a: Those which EVERYONE has, & which we can’t get rid of because they’re fundamental to our humanity

b: Needs specific to YOU, based on your native personality
EXP: need to be/live near water, or other outdoor nature // to be artistic/creative // to be orderly/organized….

c. AND to some degree your specific needs in response to repeated harmful childhood PTSDevents & severe trauma
EXP:
— need to live in one location for the rest of one’s life after moving 10-20 times as kid
— need to not be around crazy/angry people – at all, ever!
— need for a great deal of predictability…..

Unhealthy ‘needs’ / compulsive desires TO —
• please & be approved of by parents who can’t be pleased
• stay in unhappy, unsuitable or abusive relationships, jobs…. for fear of abandonment & disobeying Toxic Rules
• hang on to negative thinking & actions, believing it’s ‘safe’
• keep using addictions (sex, food, spending, internet, chemicals….)
so we don’t have to face the pain underneath

• keep trying to fix other people, especially those who don’t want to change/grow/improve
• keep chasing people who don’t want to connect with us, always finding the one person in the group who will reject us
• always be one-up on others, to show off, to act superior
• grab & hang on to position, power, status…. at any cost to others
• always be the center of attention   (Add your own)

MANIPULATIONsqueeze my brain
General:  serving a hidden agenda, to coerce others into giving in. Perpetual manipulators present themselves as strong & in control, but underneath – have a great deal of insecurity & a deep sense of personal powerlessness to get their needs met – directly. They can’t connect to or keep healthy, loving relationships

vs Influenceinfluence
Used on others to advance a goal, a mark of normal social interactions – in general, & a way of functioning effectively in the world – personally. Uses direct, honest communication, recognizing the integrity, boundaries & rights of others, including the right to not go along with the attempted persuasion

vs Boundaries (Bs)
Knowing our rights & personal needs so well that we can set Bs byB invade telling others what’s acceptable & what’s not. Like with influence, it’s also direct, but a way of getting our needs met without depending on other people’s help or co-operation. Comes from having permission to provide for oneself, & having access to choices

vs Personality Disorders (PDs)
In PDs, manipulation is a defensive style permeating a person’s every interaction, even tho they may hide their true intention, & act in ways that look ‘normal’, which in itself is a manipulation.

NEXT : Manipulating OURSELVES (Part 2a)

TYPES of ANSWERS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

answer types I’M MUCH LESS CONFUSED
when I know what kind of answers I’m hearing

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 3)

QUOTES: “You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions” ~ Naguib Mahfouz, Egyptian writer

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ~ George Carlin

3 WAYS to RESPOND
UGLY – not responding at all.
• ‘Legitimate’ only if protecting yours3 ways to answ.elf or someone important to you, a legal matter or matter of national security.
• Uncomfortable – not responding when asked an impertinent, rude or sensitive Qs

BAD – forcing the person asking the Q to work hard to figure out what the answer actually is. Not getting to the point, making things too complicated, or leaving out vital info…. leaves the listener confused, uncertain & frustrated – even if they finally figure out what the point was.

GOOD – making clear, declarative statements right away.
Especially in business settings, the most effective type of answer summarizes the bottom line succinctly first, and then gives supporting or background information if needed.

Categories of Responses:
• Direct Info (“I won’t be able to go with you on Wednesday”)
• Yes (“Yes, I do need to know what time you’re leaving…”)
• No (“No, I don’t understand what you’re asking…”)
• Maybe/ I’m not sure (“I might not be able to finish that in time…”)
Tip – with this last one, it’s always a good idea to continue with “…but what I do know is…” (Chart)

PROCEDURE for Answering
• Consider any Q an opportunity to provide information about yourself
• Pause a couple of seconds before responding, even if you know exactly what you want to say, to put your thoughts in order – to be clear & avoid misunderstandings
• Ask for clarification if you don’t understand the Q
• Be positive, don’t be afraid to say how you feel, or mention your skills & accomplishments – if relevant
• Ask the questioner if they understood your answer. Don’t be afraid to clarify or repeat your point

RESPONDING to:
Qs of Fact or Procedure
The purpose of these Qs is to gather/share knowledge, & the answer is a matter of rule, requiring evidence & reasoning. There is either a right & or a wrong answer
types of responsesQs of Judgment
Because these Qs lend themselves to debate in order to identify the best solution, answers require evidence & reasoning through multiple viewpoints. There’s no one correct answer, only better & worse ones
Qs of Preference
Answers are a matter of preference, calling for subjectivity, since the purpose of these Qs is to elicit opinions & personal tastes (Dr. L. Elder & Dr. R. Paul)

* * * * * * * *
MAIN TYPES of Answers
AVOIDING
When asked a ‘difficult’ or sensitive Q that would reflect badly on the responder or their ‘party’, tactics can include answering a Q with a Q, trying to draw attention to some positive aspect of the topic, totally changing the subject… Politicians are especially well-known for using this style

DIRECT & HONEST
This is what the questioner is looking for when asking a Q. Usually given in declarative sentences.  “Keep it simple —”

DISTORTING
Distorted answers tend to be based on a responder’s ‘understandinSdistorted answ.g’ of social norms, stereotypes & other forms of bias.  Different from lying, people may not realize their answers are influenced by prejudice, or they exaggerate to seem more ‘normal’ or successful.

LYING
Ultimately a form of protection, no matter how unnecessary, ‘unhealthy’ or harmful. A questioner may be able to pick up on a lie based on how plausible the answer is, but also on any non-verbal communication used immediately before, during &/or after the answer is given.

OUT of CONTEXT
The respondent will say something totally unconnected or irrelevant to the Q, or try to change topics. The answer may seem ‘logical’ to the speaker because what lead up to their answer is silently processed in their head, but all that’s verbalized is the end result – so it won’t make sense to the questioner, not being a mind-reader. In all such cases – if the issue is important enough – it’s necessary to focus the responder back to the original Q by repeating or rewording it

PARTIAL – People can often be selective about which questions or parts they wish to answer. This can cause confusion or distortion

REFUSING – The respondent may simply refuse to answer, either by remaining silent or by saying, ‘I am not answering’

STALLING – Althoscary Qsugh similar to avoiding answering a question, stalling can be used when more time is needed to formulate an acceptable answer.  One way to do this is to answer the question with another question.

NEXT: Manipulating

TYPES of Questions (Part 1c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

5 simple Qs

ASKING Qs THE RIGHT WAY
is a way of respecting someone

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 1b)

SITE: “Mutual Inquiry: 8 Steps to Deepen & Shift Thinking”

QUOTE: “Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”  ― Shannon L. Alder


TYPES of Questions – Subsidiary (Qs)
LEADING
Qs that are phrased in such a way that sets up a person to answer the way the questioner wants – to agree with their point of view or pointing the listener in a certain direction. It’s not always done deliberately but is an easy trap to fall into.  EXP: “How much do you think this investment will grow?” indirectly implies it will grow, the issue is only how much. If the responder doesn’t catch the logic error, they’ll likely give a biased response.leading Qs

OPEN-ended
Qs that allow for much longer responses (than Closed ones), so are potentially more creative & informative, encouraging responders to be in control. They’re not ‘Why’ Qs, but rather ‘What or How’. They deal with unresolved issues not been finally determined, so ask the responder to reflect, give opinions & feelings. (“What are your personal strengths & weaknesses?”) (MORE…..)

ORGANIZING
Qs that group info into categories, forming logical structures. Finding patterns & relationships among & between collected fragments of info to create meaning & understanding. Whenever new valuable info surfaces, it can be added correctly to ta structure already in place. (“How can I make sense of all my confusing thoughts? // what categories do they fit into?”)

questionnaireQUESTIONNAIRE
Qs in list form, for research or survey designed to gather specific info. They have 4 basic purposes: (1)  to collect the appropriate data (2) make data compare-able & suitable for analysis (3) minimize bias in formulating & asking other Qs (4) make Qs engaging & varied (“Please fill out this Questionnaire about your dining experience”)

PLANNING
Qs that require thinking about how to structure the search for info, where to look & what resources will be needed, such as time, location, people…. It’s standing back & looking at the big picture before starting out. It also includes looking ahead to identify possible obstacles & consequences (“ Who ha written the best boo on this subject? // What clothes will I need for this trip? // MORE….)

PROVOCATIVE
Qs that are meant to challenge, push or throw conventional wisdom off-balance. They give free rein to doubt, disbelief & skepticism, often used in satire, parody or as an expose. These Qs are not always welcomed. They’re like the court jester whispering unpleasant truths in the king’s ear. The fool could often get away with Qs never allowed a legitimate member of the council, but he might also lose his head if the monarch took offense. (“Where’s the beef? // What’s you point?”)

probing QsPROBING
Qs that look below the surface to the heart of the matter, every Q answered leading to another one. Continually searching for more insight, the best results come from a convergence of 3-4 relevant elements of a subject, to get something far more pointed and powerful (“What made you want to go to the Middle East”? // MORE….)

Best used when dealing with someone who is evasive, or when trying to understand a specific issue. They’re usually CLOSED, looking for clarity about what someone’s saying, or good for getting to the root cause of a problem – by drilling down fast. Probing the cause of a problem may require going down several layers. Asking “WHY” after each answer – 5x – can be very revealing. Most people don’t consciously know they have deeper & deeper ‘reasons’ until asked.

NEXT: TYPES of Qs #1d

TYPES of Questions (Part 1b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Qs re MEI WANT TO FIND OUT
all I can about myself!!

PREVIOUS: Types of Qs (Part 1a)

SITE: The Incredible Power Of The Right Qs

 

TYPES of Questions – Subsidiary (Qs)
ELABORATING
Qs that extend & stretch the meaning of info being gathered. They take the straightforward (obvious) & see where it might lead, searching below the surface to find implications in the original info (explicit –> implicit). (Reading between the lines, what does this text really mean?”)

EVALUATIVE
Qs that determine the importance, effectiveness, or worth of something or someone. Answers usually require sophisticated levels of thinking & feeling, asking the responder to make evaluations & judgements based on analyzing info at multiple levels & from different perspectives. (“What kind of a teacher was Mr Smith?”)

FACTUALfactual Qs
Qs that ask for reasonably simple, straight forward responses based on obvious facts or awareness. Usually aimed at the most basic level of thinking or feeling (“Did you go to a City College or Ivy League School”?)

FUNNELING
Qs that channel the respondent’s answers with a series of Qs that get narrower at each step, starting with open Qs, & ending with closed ones, or vice-versa:
a. From SPECIFIC to BROAD (Deductive)specifics first
Starts by asking a person to remember as many specifics of a situation as possible, & then work toward more general observations (“You saw that hit-&-run accident. What can you tell me about the man & his car?”)
b. From BROAD to SPECIFIC (Inductive)general info first
Here the responder is asked for an overview of a situation, & then using the big picture, try to remember as many specific details as they can (“If everyone has the ability to learn, then why do you think you can’t?”)

HYPOTHETICAL
Qs designed to explore possibilities & test relationships. They usually project a theory or an option out into the future, wondering what might happen if… Especially helpful when trying to decide between a number of choices, trying to solve a problem, or deciding if hunches, suppositions or hypotheses have any merit (“What do you think would happen of you let yourself be successful?”)

INFORMATIONAL
Qs designed to gather facts, searching for needed in a specific context, re some aspect, concept, issue, or problem. They ‘power’ all learning. (“How many inches in a mile?”)

INVENTIVEinventive Qs
Qs that turn findings inside out, upside down. They adjust, alter, distort, modify & rearrange bits & pieces of info – until they produce a Eureka moment – the discovery of something brand new (“If I combine these 5 yarns, I wonder if it would make a beautiful sweater?”)

IRRELEVANT
Qs that are made to distract, sidetrack or divert from the task or conversation at hand. This may be a tactic to keep others off-balance, get away from a sensitive topic or protect the speaker from being caught out. (“So, what did you say about the weather?”)
However, this type of Q can also be beneficial, since the creation of new knowledge almost always requires some wandering off course.
“The search for Truth requires the courage to venture out and away from the familiar and the known ….” From Moby Dick (”How can we understand the unconscious”?)

IRREVERENT
Qs that explore ideas or facts generally considered off-limits or over-the-top.. They challenge far more than conventional wisdom, holding no respect for authority, institutions or myths, leaping over, under or through walls, rules & regulations. They are considered disrespectful, or at the very least impolite, but are often used in comedy routines (“Why is the Emperor not wearing any clothes?”)

NEXT: Types of Qs – Part 3

TYPES of Questions (Part 1a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

Types of Qs

 

 

I NEVER KNEW HOW MANY WAYS
there were of asking questions

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Questions (Part 3)

CHART ⬆️  based on material from http://www.edutopia.org

QUOTES: 36 Quotes from Successful People re. the Wisdom of Asking


TYPES of Questions (Qs) – mainly from the “Q Tool Kit”
Each category gives us a wider framework & clarity for the process of finding out things.
Asking is essentially about being curious. It’s the only way of accessing knowledge from other people, so asking the right ones, in the right way, is crucial. When approached correctly, Qs can motivate & inspire people, generate new ideas & change the perception of a problem or situation.

ACoAs rightly say we don’t know what to ask, what word to us….. No matter what the circumstance – where it’s trying to find out something from a loved one, dealing with a work issue, questions a religious doctrine or trying to unravel what our politicians are saying – it’s helpful to know what we are trying to accomplish when asking a Q. It’s also important to know which kinds of Q may potentially get us the answers we’re looking for – and which kinds won’t!

While the following list is primarily focused on research in academic settings, it offers a variety of approaches when we’re trying to find answers or solve a dilemma in our daily lives. Many of these Q types are included in the skill of a good psychotherapist.

ESSENTIALpersonal needs
Qs that are at the center of info gathering. They’re at the heart of the search for truth, probing the deepest issues confronting us, those complex & baffling matters which elude simple answers (the meaning of Birth, Death, Love, Relationships…..). All other Qs, when used appropriately, enhance & illuminate the learning process. (EXP: “What does it mean to be a good friend? // MORE….)

SUBSIDIARY
Qs which combine to help build answers to the Essential Qs – which naturally spawn families of smaller ones – leading to insight. The more skillful we are at formulating & then categorizing these Qs, the more success we’ll be at constructing new knowledge.

All of the following categories are Subsidiary types

CLOSED
Qs that only require YES or NO answers, which can be a conversation stopper – but not necessarily. (“Are you cold?”). They can be having to choose from a list of possible options, to identify a piece of info, to help with a new dialogue, to encourage participation, or when fact-finding.
Since answers can be True or False, context is important. “Why” Qs are good for soliciting info, but can make people defensive, so they have to be worded carefully (“Do you want to eat right now?”, as opposed to “Why are you always hungry?”)

CONVERGENT
Qs ask for standard information, such as on multiple-choice tests for intelligence. They usually start with ‘what, where and when’ & lead to expected results. Answers looked for don’t require a great deal of creativity, but they emphasizing speed, accuracy & logic, focusing on recognizing the familiar, reapplying techniques & accumulating stored information (“What is the second largest country in the world: A– / B–/ C– or D–? diverge vs converge// What’s in that container?”)

DIVERGENT
Also called ‘lateral thinking’ are Qs that are used in the process of creating multiple, unique ideas or solutions related to a problem one is are trying to solve. They use existing knowledge as a base from which to explore territory ‘next to’ to something already known or understood, & perhaps help to avoid other people’s mistakes (“What other options do we have for saving money this month?” // How might life in the year 2100 differ from today?”)

NEXT: Types of Qs – Part 2

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

5 easy questions I’M LEARNING THAT
I have lots of options

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Asking Qs (Part 2)

SITE: “The Value of Questions” monograph by Professor B.F. Plybon

• Importance of Asking Questions – Steve Jobs

 

 

HEALTHY:
ASKING Qs. FROM the ADULT
On the other hand, asking Qs from the Adult Ego State means we’re IN present reality, interacting with the person or situation in front of us, not someone from our past.
The Adult ES knows:
• other people are not a carbon copy of us
• we have options we didn’t have as a child
• that not everyone is as emotionally or physically
dangerous as our family
• that everyone has their own personality & experience – separate from our own
• that other adults are not responsible for taking care of us, nor are they responsible for healing our wounds – ie. not replacement parents

PURPOSE of ASKING
Asking appropriate, clear Qs is a legitimate, normal part of godifferencesod communication skills. Children ask a lot of Qs, mainly to find out about the world around them. But they also do not ask for emotional needs which healthy parents know & provide. Our didn’t, so we don’t know to ask for them now. Legitimate, healthy Qs may be a way :

• to find out about the other person – who they really are, not what we are projecting on to them from our past, or what we want them to be
• to respond to what they’re saying, not what we’re thinking or feeling
• if you don’t understand something
• to go deeper (How do feel about that”) — OR —

• to keep things LIGHT!! (“How was your vacation?”)
• to find out HOW someone thinks / feels about a current situation
• to find out what has someone already done, or what they already know about a need, a situation or experience

• of using the Socratic method, to help someone draw on their inner knowledge, to think thru a problem by figuring out who they are or what’s right for them
• to connect with a person you’ve been thrown together with for a short time. It cuts down on loneliness, makes you part of the larger world, you can learn something new & interesting, & you may even get unexpected help.

EFFECTIVE Questioning
There is no such thing as a stupid question – except if you aren’t interested in the answer. However, not all Qs are created equal. Different situations call for different types. Along with learning how to use Qs, effective questioning is also the ability to listen to the answer, & suspend judgment. Letting go of our preconceived needs & opinions make it possible to get the most info possible in a situation.

This requires being intent on understanding what the other person is really saying. What’s behind their words?
No matter how smart or experiences we may be, much of the time we’ll never guess what a person will say if we just ask “What do you mean?”

The following 2 sets of Qs can help improve communication & understanding of anyone we want to stay connected to, whether family, friends or in business. Modify the Qs according to the situation.
1. What do you think / feel?
This Q stopI wonders the questioner from talking too much.
2. Why do you think / feel that?
Once the person shares what they think or feel, this follow-up encourages them to provide the reasoning behind their thinking/ feeling

3. What leads you to believe this? (How do you know this?)
This Q encourages the responder to make connections between their ideas / feelings & things they’ve experienced, read & seen.
4. Can you tell me more?
Most people always have more to say, but need encouragement to ‘spill’. This Q can extend their thinking & share added evidence for their ideas
5. Do you have any questions for me?
Use a friendly tone with ALL Qs, so the person doesn’t feel attacked or pressured to give the ‘right’ answer.  (Edutopia.org)

NEXT: ACoAs & Qs #4

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

defending self

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Qs #1

 


AS ADULTS (cont.)

NOTE: One of many effects of not having direct guidance, not being taught skills or appropriate socialization is a very deep belief that anything we figured out for ourselves was at best wrong, at worst absolutely worthless.

An antidote to this is to have at least one person who is knowledgeable in our area of activity & whom we respect – to review what we’ve accomplished or created on our mentoringown. They can validate it’s accuracy, skill level & value.

If that ‘mentor’ is fair & respectful, they can let us know the truth about our action or accomplishment. If the ‘verdict’ is less than stellar, we can look for ways to improve. If positive, the WIC part of us will be satisfied, & we can continue to flourish in whatever medium we’re best at.

BROAD categories of Questions (Qs)
a. Negative: to attack, to challenge, to embarrass, to stir things up
b. Positive: to connect, to encourage, get info, make you think, to teach

2 Inappropriate forms
From Narcissism
• Qs that are controlling (“Why don’t you do it THIS way?”)
• Qs from the WIC, in the victim position, if asking for info about things we DO know, as a way of feeling taken care of

• Qs coming from the assumption that others are like us
— PP: “Why would you even consider that?” or
— WIC: “Don’t you think this color is the most?”
symbiotic• Asking (insisting) others to go with you or do something that only you like, or that you know they dislike

• Qs that are rude &/or insensitive, because we don’t think about other people’s feelings – just impulsively ask whatever comes to mind without considering the consequences. This is a copy of our parents, who never acknowledged our emotions, so we act the same way

EXP: At a church dinner, teenage Jane notices that Sarah (in her 30s) is not wearing her engagement ring. Across the table, in a rather loud voice she asks about it but Sarah doesn’t answer, so Jane asks again – twice more before giving up. She doesn’t get the hint that her Q is not well received, although it’s obvious to everyone else.
Some know that Sarah’s engagement has been called off, so the Q is painful. Jane hasn’t gotten the 411 yet, but that’s not the point. Her Q is insensitive & intrusive – especially in such a public way – being in total immature mode, oblivious to another person’s reaction, especially after the initial rebuff.

With Anger
Qs with an attitude, which puts people off. Ironically, it’s always because the Abandonment angry QWound got bumped. We feel disconnected, which scares the WIC, which makes him/her angry. If we lash out we create more distance, which is the opposite of what we want.

Anger Qs are:
• in the form of accusing, blaming, shaming (“Who took my pen?”)
• an attack on an authority figure (“Why don’t you do something about this problem?”)
• challenging someone’s belief system (“How can you believe in that mythology?”)
• showing someone up (“You didn’t know that?”)

UNHEALTHY: ASKING Qs from the WIC – in the present
• whining, begging, bugging, not taking no for an answer
• talking from emotions: “I feel like I can’t trust her”, instead of: “ I can’t trust her”. The former implies you have a feeling, but aren’t sure – even tho you do actually know that person is not trustworthy – from experience
• talking around an important subject, rather than ask a direct Q

• not using “I” statements, when trying to get info. EXP: “Why can’t you be more attentive?”, instead of: “I’d like you to pay attention when I’m talking. Would you be willing to do that?”
• asking for what you need from the wrong person or venue, specially when you already know they’re not able or willing (like: going to an unavailable parent for comfort // trying to get emotional support in a school or business setting…..)

NEXT: ACoAs & Qs Part 3

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , ,

asking QsIT NEVER DAWNS ON ME
to ask about the other person

PREVIOUS: Reverse Laundry List

 

PROBLEM
Another indicator of ACoA damage is the fear of asking questions or worse – not even realizing it is necessary, appropriate, even imperative.
At the core of this issue is the unconscious but ingrained perspective that we should not hold other people responsible for their words & actions. As emotionally immature adults, we are still going on the assumption that everything is our fault (narcissistic S-H), & therefore it’s all up to us to correct misunderstandings & fix whatever is causing us pain (narcissistic grandiosity).

In CHILDHOOD
Most ACoAs stopped asking Qs because of the messages & reactions we got from our dysfunctional family as well as from outside sources such as school & religious institutions. “Children should be seen & not heard”. They :
• didn’t want their authority questioned
• didn’t want their bad behavior pointed out or abuse objected to
• didn’t want their hypocrisy & neglect uncovered….not allowed to ask
AND they —
• couldn’t be bothered to listen or explain things
• didn’t have the patience to show us what they knew how to do
• made it sound like we’re dumb for not knowing things they knew
• told us we were disrespectful for questioning their authority
• punished us with a smack or with guilt for wanting to know what’s going on around us • made fun of us for exploring & being curious ……

NOTE: Curious & clever children may seem to be ‘challenging’ the adults “WHY … WHY…” But if we got a bad reaction (“you’re arrogant, you’re being difficult, you’re disrespectful”) it’s almost always because the person did NOT know the answer & was ashamed to admit it

No matter what Toxic family Role were fell in to as kids (Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot), ultimately we were on our own, because our wounded parents we unable to connect with us in healthy loving ways. We got the message that we were a burden to them – or worse – hated (“You’ll be the death of me yet!”). We understood that if we were to figure things out it would have to be from other sources, like school & our peers, but mainly by just watching other people & events. Quietly, secretly observing the world around us helped, but it didn’t encourage asking questions.

As ADULTS
Our early trauma, distorted mirroring & lack of good role models has left holes in our ability to think of what to say. This is because of missing information, rather thanbeing mute stupidity. It literally means not having the vocabulary for legitimate questioning – what words to use, what point of view we need to come from, or what to expect.
BUT this can be learned from books such as “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense”, & from others who have already know how.

Many of us believe that any form of Qs is impertinent, boundary invasive, & just plain rude – which is not true when Qs come from our Adult ES.
And when someone says or does something unkind, inappropriate, narcissistic or flat-out mean – we justify, over-explain, excuse ourselves (Sorry, Sorry), instead of lobbing the ball back at the other person by saying something like:“What did you mean? // Why did you say it that way? // Is that what you would do – want?… (See “Useful Responses”).

ACoAs were not allowed to defend, protect or stand up for ourselves, to not have the right to object to abuse, & to never know what our true needs are. So we continue to live in a quasi-world of not really belonging, not having rights, not being heard, not having access to our personal power, & most of all – never truly feeling safe.  Others of us will bite back when we feel neglected, dismissed or accused, a version of the PP &/or WIC trying to protect ourselves, but this is simply ineffective & can serve to escalate a bad situation.

NEXT: ACoAs & Asking Qs – Part 2

REVERSE Laundry List & Healthy Version

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

drunk narcissists I HATE KNOWING
how much I’ve copied them!

PREVIOUS:

 LL (#1)

SITE: ACoAs – Qualities & Traits

REVIEW: “Variation of ACoA Laundry List” post

NOTE: Reprinted from the ACoA World Service Org.

REVERSE Laundry List – acting out the Introject (the PP)
1. To cover our fear of people and our dread of isolation we tragically become the very authority figures who frighten others and cause them to withdraw.
2. To avoid becoming enmeshed and entangled with other people and losing ourselves in the process, we become rigidly self-sufficient. We disdain the approval of others.
3. We frighten people with our anger and threat of belittling criticism.
4. We dominate others and abandon them before they can abandon us or we avoid relationships with dependent people altogether. To avoid being hurt, we isolate and dissociate and thereby abandon ourselves.

5. We live life from the standpoint of a victimizer, and are attracted to people we can bad attitudemanipulate and control in our important relationships.
6. We are irresponsible and self-centered. Our inflated sense of self-worth and self-importance prevents us from seeing our deficiencies and shortcomings.
7. We make others feel guilty when they attempt to assert themselves.
8. We inhibit our fear by staying deadened and numb.
9. We hate people who “play” the victim and beg to be rescued.
10. We deny that we’ve been hurt and are suppressing our emotions by the dramatic expression of “pseudo” feelings.

11. To protect ourselves from self punishment for failing to “save” the family we project our self-hate onto others and punish them instead.
12. We “manage” the massive amount of deprivation we feel, coming from abandonment within the home, by quickly letting go of relationships that threaten our “independence” (never get too close).
13. We refuse to admit we’ve been affected by family dysfunction or that there was dysfunction in the home or that we have internalized any of the family’s destructive attitudes and behaviors.
14. We act as if we are nothing like the dependent people who raised us.

OPPOSITE of Reverse Laundry List
1. We face and resolve our fear of people and our dread of isolation and stop intimidating others with our power and position.
2. We realize the sanctuary we have built to protect the frightened and injured child within has become a prison and we become willing to risk moving out of isolation.
3. With our renewed sense of self-worth and self-esteem we realize it is no longer necessary to protect ourselves by intimidating others with contempt, ridicule and anger.
4. We accept and comfort the isolated and hurt inner child we have abandoned and disavowed and thereby end the need to act out our fears of enmeshment and abandonment with other people.

5. Because we are whole and complete we no longer try to control others through manipulation and force and bind them to us with fear in order to avoid feeling isolated and alone.
6. Through our in-depth inventory we discover our true identity as capable, worthwhile people. By asking to have our shortcomings removed we are freed from the burden of inferiority and grandiosity.healing heart
7. We support and encourage others in their efforts to be assertive.
8.We uncover, acknowledge and express our childhood fears and withdraw from emotional intoxication.

9. We have compassion for anyone who is trapped in the “drama triangle” and is desperately searching for a way out of insanity.
10. We accept we were traumatized in childhood and lost the ability to feel. Using the 12 Steps as a program of recovery we regain the ability to feel and remember and become whole human beings who are happy, joyous and free.
11. In accepting we were powerless as children to “save” our family we are able to release our self-hate and to stop punishing ourselves and others for not being enough.
12. By accepting and reuniting with the inner child we are no longer threatened by intimacy, by the fear of being engulfed or made invisible.
13. By acknowledging the reality of family dysfunction we no longer have to act as if nothing were wrong or keep denying that we are still unconsciously reacting to childhood harm and injury.
14. We stop denying and do something about our post-traumatic dependency on substances, people, places and things to distort and avoid reality.

NEXT:

ORIGINAL Laundry List + Healthy Version

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, self-help

bad family IT’S GOOD TO HAVE CLARITY
about the source of our damage

PREVIOUS:


SITE:  Psychological Characteristics of ACoAs – article

NOTE: Part 1 & 2 Reprinted from the ACoA World Service Org.
— The Laundry List serves as the basis for ‘The Problem’ statement – the intro read at every ACA meeting

BASIC LAUNDRY LIST – acting out the Wounded Child
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.broken heart
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14.Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978

OPPOSITE of the LAUNDRY LIST – healthy version
1. We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority figures.
2. We do not depend on others to tell us who we are.
3. We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.
4. We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment.
5. We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships.

6. We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings.
7. We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.repaied heart
8. We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constant upset.
9. We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love.

10. We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions.
11. We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth.
12. We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
13.The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized are identified, acknowledged, and removed.
14.We are actors, not reactors.

NEXT: REVERSE L.L. (Part 2)