coaching

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 1)

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cds & thoughts


LIKE THE BIRTH OF NEW STARS
I can give birth to new thinking

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconscious (#1)

AA saying: “Alcoholics dig themselves into a rut, & then decorate it!”

1. THINKING  (2. Emotions in Part 4)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS mind is ‘just’ the result of patterning, conditioning & habit – therefore it’s basic – very B & W, not thinking, intelligent or creative, totally literal with no sense of humor! From our birth it absorbs info & experience without insight or good judgment.  So our early years provide the basis for all future learning, as the mind filters out inconsistencies.

NOTE: ‘Unconscious’ is the part of mind holding information we’ve gathered – which isn’t available just by wanting to access it, & can only be retrieved by special techniques or triggering events.

‘Subconscious’ is the level where unconscious memories drive our emotional reactions & behavior, without realizing it, like:
— seeing food suddenly making us hungry
— a deep-seated but untreated childhood trauma distorting our ability to make safe, rational decisions…..

• In the Cognitive Therapy model, distorted information-processing results in anxiety symptoms, such as catastrophizing, the excessive focus on negative outcomes leading to false alarms, hyper-vigilance, loss of objectivity, no tolerance for uncertainty, & ‘lack of habituation’ (not desensitized to a stressor -air travel- even with repeated exposure).

• This is familiar to ACoAs, who grew up in emotionally tense & physically dangerous environments, at home & outside, & now react with “fight, flight, freeze or appeasing“. Originally —
— Fight would have been with siblings, neighborhood kids, school peers, hurting animals or possessions, & sometimes self-harm
— Flight was more common. As long as we were too young to leave home we escaped into books, friends, school work, sports & of course fantasy. And for some – attempted suicide.
— Freeze was & still can be when our mind blanks out from fear, & we can’t think at all, called dissociation
— Fawn / Appease was & is people-pleasing, agreeing with anyone who scared us, being over-solicitous, over-giving….. anything to ‘placate the monster’

MODIFYING the Unconscious
self Qs• While there are people & situations we DO need to get away from – it’s always good to check our point of view first. This is not a blame or a judgement. There’s a big difference between what the WIC ‘feels’ or that the PP is telling us about ourselves & others – vs – how the Healthy Adult / Loving Parent sees things.

• So in terms of CDs, if we assume our pain is ONLY caused by something outside of ourselves, we waste a lot of energy trying to change the wrong things – another person, a job, a location…. rather than our frame of reference & inner beliefs. This endless wild-goose-chase leaves us feeling frustrated, out of control & hopeless. It reinforces our Victim role, keeping us convinced we can’t take care of ourselves

• A major purpose of some therapy styles is to bring up from the unconscious as much accumulated pain & distorted thinking as possible, so we can actively process emotions (Es) & correct False beliefs (Ts), which then gradually changes our behavior! (As) When we consistently, deliberately think in new ways, we add a 10-fold power to our conscious mind

FYI: Counseling, Coaching & some Therapies focus on current actions & thinking, NOT on the past & childhood programming – when most of our ACoA damage was formed!

psychiatry• Psychiatry & Psychoanalysis is deliberately structured so there’s almost NO feedback from the therapist. This has proven harmful for many ACoAs, because:
i. it’s a repeat of – no one responding to us as kids – leaving us yet again terribly alone with someone who’s supposed to be helpful!
ii. it doesn’t interfere with or correct our S-H & other distorted thinking, which we desperately need

iii. it ignores positive mirroring, also desperately needed – a healthy voice feeding back to us what we’re denying AND all of our wonderful native characteristics & accomplishments
iv. it doesn’t provide good role-model to emulate – caring, sensitivity & kindness, good boundaries, sane thinking….

✶ The most useful one-to-one therapy for most ACoAs is ‘family of origin’ work (FoO), based on a good understanding of family systems & addiction. It works best when it includes lots of well-boundaried interaction – and humor!

NEXT: CDs & The Unconscious (Part 3) Making changes

Cognitive Distortions – Intro (Part 3)

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vcxcognitive distortions

 

NOW I’M COMPLETELY CONFUSED –
B & W thinking makes me feel safe!

PREVIOUS: CDs Intro (#2)

ARTICLE: “The NOCEBO Effect”

4. Categories of INCORRECT THINKING 
There are more than 10 major kinds of Cognitive Distortions, over 40 kinds of Bias & almost 200 Fallacies. Part 4 gives a brief look at some. They’re all incorrect ‘logical’ arguments used to manipulate & control.

ACoAs are very susceptible to being conned by the WIC & PP’s use of CDs, but many people are also affected by anyone who uses twisted thinking to influence (advertisers, politicos, manipulative relationships…). This contributes to not feeling safe in the world, BUT we can protect ourselves by learning to recognize twisted thinking for what it is!

a. Cognitive DISTORTIONS (CDs): Exaggerated & irrational beliefs that contribute to & perpetuate certain psychological disorders. They can be divided into 3 groups of Negatives – re :
Views about the self (‘Mind-reading’), Views about the world, generally(‘Catastrophizing’) & Views about the future (‘Fortune Telling’).

b. Logical FALLACIES: Any part of an argument that’s flawed, making either a line of reasoning or the whole topic untrue. ALSO, when a seemingly plausible argument includes a mistaken idea (even if there are some valid parts) OR when we draw an incorrect conclusion from correct info.

ad-hoc fallacyEXP: A ‘post hoc’ fallacy insists on a direct cause and effect between 2 events, simply because one event preceded another:
i. I went to the jewelry store to look at rings
ii. While I was there, a masked man with a gun came in & robbed the store
iii. Since I was there before he came in, I must have something to do with the robbery!

Here the fallacy is the result of ignoring other relevant information around the 2 events, such as THAT:
— my being there was an unlucky coincidence
— the robber & I don’t know each other
— he’s robbed other stores I’ve never been in….

c. BIAS
• The human tendency to make systematic logic errors based on preconceived ideas, rather than evidence. They’re ‘one-sided’, favoring some outcomes over others, which interferes with the ability to be impartial & objective.  EXP of Gender Bias: ‘All boys are better at math than all girls’

• Biases can come from information-processing shortcuts, including errors in judgment, memory, or the cause of something – which drastically skew the reliability of personal accounts (experiences) or legal evidence (concrete proof). RESULT : Thinking Biases can harm our ability to make proper decisions, solve problems correctly, & limit the capacity to learn new information or ideas.

d. NOCEBO
We’ve know the term Placebo, used to identify both pleasant & harmful effects of the power of suggestion (voodoo dolls that cause pain or ‘fake’ medicines that reduce/eliminate pain).
In the 1990’s the term NOCEBO (Latin for “I will harm”) came into use in medicine. It’s anything that in itself is benign or neutral (the color of a pill or a type of plant), but which can cause symptoms of illness by the suggestion or belief that it IS harmful.  This belief can come from inside or outside of ourselves.

nocebo• ‘Nocebo’ was originally used to label the harmful, unpleasant, or undesirable reactions some test subjects actually exhibited when given an inert dummy drug.
The very real physical reactions were not created chemically, but entirely due to the subjects’ pessimistic outlook & expectations.

• A psychiatrist at Boston’s Brigham & Women’s Hospital, found in a recent review of the nocebo literature that – patient expectations of possible harmful side-effects of a drug – played a significant role in the outcome of their care (Arthur Barsky, et al. 2002)
• In another study, more than 2/3 of 34 volunteering college students developed headaches when told that’s what could happen from a (non-existent) electrical current passing through their heads.

All Cognitive Distortions are mental nocebos!  Since CDs are incorrect assumptions or belief that negatively influence how we feel & act, those irrational conclusions causing untold emotional or physical injury to ourselves & others.
(From ‘Skeptic’s Diary’)

NEXT: CDs Overview

Cognitive Distortions – Intro (Part 2)

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universe 2MY THINKING?
It’s just fine, thank you very much!

PREVIOUS: CDs – Intro (Part 1)

SITE : Cognitive Distortions QUIZ

QUOTE: “The most dangerous of all falsehoods is a slightly distorted truth.” – Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

3. NOTE to ACoAs
LOGICAL Argument
DEF : It consists of one or more premises (assertions, hypotheses) & one conclusion that’s offered in support of the claims being made – each being either a T or F declarative statement. If any one of these components is in error, the whole argument becomes invalid (LOGIC….)

👁‍🗨 Knowing what our CDs are & then correcting them, a day-at-a-time, is very important – even tho it’s not as ‘sexy’ as some topics – because keeping these ideas in mind will help counter our:
✓ frustration at the slowness of change in Recovery
✓ discomfort & awkwardness in trying out new thinking or activities
✓ self-hate for the way we’ve been functioning most of our life
✓ confusion & misunderstanding about the causes of our pain, now

REMINDER
CDs are part of our Wounded Inner Child (WIC) ego state, in agreement with the Bad Parent voice (PP).
When negative or harmful beliefs – hidden from ourselves in the unconscious – contradict the good things we consciously want, no matter how sincerely, which one wins?
Of course, the bad ones, because they’ve been with us the longest & they connect us to our family. (INFO & the Brain)

“The human body & mind are highly receptive to the messages & feelings put out by the thinker (YOU). How we feel about ourselves impacts how we function. When you think, “I’m ugly / I’m stupid / I’m no good / I’m fat….,” your body & mind assumes it’s true. Consciously & subconsciously, these beliefs impact & impair delicate functions of physical & mental processes — including the immune system – restricting the flow of creativity, holistic thought, self-expression & joy.” Modified from ErinJanus.com.
To heal, we have to identify & own the CDs. Then slowly, gently replace them.

CDs are profound MISUNDERSTANDINGS about:
a. Other people’s motivations (He didn’t call me again because I’m boring)
b. The meaning or importance of one particular event (I didn’t get that job so I’ll never be able to do what I love)
c. The likelihood that a similar circumstance will happen again (No one talked to me at that event so there’s no point in ever going there again)
d. The outcome or consequences of a particular situation  (Since I can’t learn a foreign language, I’m ever going to be able to travel, even though I’d love to)

WHY are CDs so ‘appealing’?
It’s not enough to say they’re a familiar & very longstanding mental habit. This is true physically (see previous post re. the brain), but the other piece is emotional  / psychological – providing Negative Benefits which keep them in play

• Some CDs reinforce our WIC’s grandiose sense of responsibility for everything that happens to us & around us
• Others provide a misguided sense of stability. Since our childhood was unpredictable & dishonest & chaotic, the rigid absoluteness of CDs makes it seem like we have something concrete to rely on for ‘guidance’

• Some keep us enslaved to our self-hate & harmful people or situations
• Others keep us so confused by their incomplete info & incorrect conclusions that we can stay in a mental fog (dissociated) without having to figure out what we truly believe or need

And ALL of them maintain a ‘black-hat / deep state’ connection to our dysfunctional past. Consistently obeying CD rules of any kind means we don’t have to think for ourselves, & so never have to S & I, or become responsible for our own freedom!

More AUTHORS
Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind C.D.s (1967) and David Burns (1980) was responsible for popularizing it with common names and examples.
Freeman & DeWolf (1992) and Freeman & Oster (1999) added: “Externalization of self-worth; Comparison; Perfectionism”.
Gilson & Freeman (1999) identified eight other C.D.s: the Fallacies of Attachment; Being right; of Change; of Control; of Fairness; of Ignoring;  of Heaven’s Reward & of Worrying.

NEXT: CDs – Examples

Cognitive Distortions – Intro (Part 1)

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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
That doesn’t make sense!

PREVIOUS: Why are you Stuck?

ARTICLE: “Thoughts Change Brain Chemistry”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

1. DEF: Cognitive Distortions (CDs ) are forms of  false logic, called stinkin’ thinkin’ in AA, which are the technical ideas behind the ACoA Laundry List  – therefore represent self-defeating ways of Thinking.   (List of CD in Part 4)

They are ways our mind convinces us of things that are not actually true but sound rational if not looked at carefully. They’re used to reinforce negative beliefs & painful emotions, which only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves, & create constant problems in relationships.

A CD is: “Any type of inaccurate way of dealing with information, which predictably results in identifiable errors in thinking”. This includes:
– Deficient Processing, causing an unwanted consequence because we didn’t think about it at all, or didn’t think it all the way thru to its inevitable outcome – ignoring prior knowledge
– Deficient Thinking, which causes something to go wrong because of a faulty filter (CDs) applied to available information about a situation

NOTES
• Anyone can use cognitive distortions. However – active addicts, people with low self-esteem &/or anyone living in traumatic, stressful, ‘trapos/neg newspped’  environment – will use these skewed ways of thinking more often than those who have easier lives.
The day-to-day situations of some, like war survivors, gang members, battered wives, the underprivileged, many addicts & millions of suffering children…. are so wretched & fear-filled, that without cognitive distortions, they wouldn’t be able to manage or function

• One study showed that depressed & non-depressed people were equally able to learn negative information, but depressed people found it much harder to learn / take in / remember positive information. Everyone seems to easily remember negative events, but depressives focus on them.
(Journal of Behavior Therapy & Experimental Psychiatry, 3/09)

• Kendall (1992) suggested that more accurate perceptions of the world do not always lead to better mental health or behavioral adjustment. CDs that are positively skewed can be very useful in certain environments, although a ‘too positive’ view of things may just be narcissism (or being dissociated / or in denial)!

thinking brain2. OUR BRAIN – A little Chemistry as it relates to our THINKING
a. Our brains has hundreds of different types of chemicals, arranged in a highly complex design.
Stimuli (what we hear, see, think, do, feel…) trigger 30 + known neuro-transmitters.  Some are relatively stable structural molecules that create the anatomy (hardware) of the brain.  Others are non-structural, making the physiology (software). It takes both types of chemicals to make our brain work.

• This chemistry influences hormone secretion from various sites throughout the brain, such as the hypothalamus & pituitary, and these hormones then carry messages to distant organs in the body (Post: ‘Anger & the Brain, Part 1‘)

b. THOUGHTS cause actual microscopic changed in this elaborate system. Each of the billions of brain cells make connections with others when stimuli or thoughts trigger chemical discharges (the neuro-transmitters). Electrical impulses, via ions, send that information throughout the central nervous system.

c. The biochemicals released whenever we think are pumped into the bloodstream, creating changes in the whole body. Every thought is embedded at some level in the molecules of our brain.
One group of chemicals is triggered by a negative state of mind (like adrenalin & cortisol, changes in norepinephrine levels, & a serotonin deficiency), while others (like serotonin & dopamine) are generated by positive thoughts. (from “Open2Transformation”)

d. All beliefs we mentally nurture (repeat / obsess about) actually influence brain chemistry. In general, the more we think something, the more connections are formed about it.  But harmful ones, such as project the disastrous outcome of an event, block the flow of energy to the whole body.

– ACoAs who constantly think scary, self-hating, what-if thoughts have formed deep grooves, with different neural links, making those the path of least resistance (easiest).
– In contrast, repeating pleasant, realistic, hopeful ideas will get stronger by forming their own grooves, which provide the impetus to become practical life-affirming habits (actions).

NEXT: CDs – Intro (Part 2)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

floral 5NOW I HAVE MANY MORE CHOICES
than when I was a child

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses (#4)

SITE: 10 Tips for Handling Work Conflict

3 POSTS: ACoAs Dealing with CRITICISM

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Review “Events+Emotions+PositiveThinking” parts of chart

4. APPROPRIATE ACTIONS Circle (cont)
🔸BETTER ways to respond (cont. from Part 4) =
 a. Saying nothing

b. Review
If the “problem” Event was the result of one or both people not listening carefully to what each was saying, & then jumping to a conclusion —> what’s needed is for us to check if what we heard was what was they meant. T.E.A. will include:
🚦paraphrasing each side, then asking for validation (Yes) or clarification (No). Acknowledge what each person felt (Es) about the dispute, & see if there’s a legitimate, respectful conclusion / agreement – or not  (T or A)

c. Speak Up
For this to be effective it has to come from the Healthy Adult ego state.  When we’re able to do that, it breaks the spell of tit-for-tat between the WIC-PP interactions of any 2 people, or one person in an unsympathetic group

EXP: Joe & Bev are in a good long-term relationship. In the early days when they were ironing out some kinks, Joe occasionally expressed frustration with himself: “I’m no good for nothing!”
One time, annoyed with Bev, he said “You’re no good for nothing”.
She didn’t comment, knowing he was projecting his self-hate. More importantly – she could feel in every cell of her body that the remark did not apply to her.  So Bev calmly replied: “You know, that’s not a nice thing to say to anyone, Joe”.  And he never said it again!

d. Walk Away
walk away There are times when physically leaving is the best option.  It may only happen once in a whole relationship – but it is a way of saying to the other person:
• I won’t put up with this, but I won’t fight with you
• I can’t stop you from being a jerk, but I don’t have to listen
• it’s better if I leave than say something I’ll regret
• you’re obviously not being an adult right now (either coming from PP or WIC) & I’m not going to interact with you until you are
• if you continue talking to / treating me this way, we’re done!

speak upe. Rebut / Disagree
It’s legitimate to correct a person’s misconception or outright lie about us
— IF we can do it from a calm place – because we’re secure in our self-evaluation &
— IF the other person / group is receptive.
This is not arrogance or anxiety, it’s simply making a statement of fact.
We don’t have to actually convince someone we’re right. What’s important is that our WIC will know we stood up for the truth

f. Iron it Out
If a job or a relationship is important enough to us, we can try working it out with the ‘adversary’. For it to have any value, each party has to be able to acknowledge their side of the problem, without blame.
✶ It does not guarantee a ‘happy ending’, only self-respect
EXP:
Maxine & Denise have been friends for a while but not BFFs.  One day they’re talking about their taste in clothes. Maxine knows Denise was once a fashion designer & is pushing for an opinion on her newest purchase. Denise makes the mistake of giving an honest evaluation, which hurts Maxine’s feelings, who then gets a little nasty.

• They go home upset but decide the following week to talk about it. When they get together again, they’re both able to own what they reacted to – what was behind Maxine’s question, why Denise was so blunt & what buttons got activated in each.
They leave the dinner knowing they’ve cleaned up the small mess between them & feel good about that. However, they also realize they both have unhealed wounds that happen to overlap. So to prevent hurting each other again & again, they don’t continue their friendship.

NEXT: Positive Responses (#6)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 4)

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Sfloral 4 LET’S SEE –

what’s the best way to handle this?

PREVIOUS: Positive Reactions – Thinking (#3)

REVIEW Parts 1-3 — Events, Emotions, Realistic Thinking

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

4. APPROPRIATE ACTIONS Circle
First: Let’s THINK, take a minute to breath, grab hold of our kid – if he or she is getting overwhelmed.  Being healthy does not mean we won’t periodically react in old ways, which will depend on how deep certain wounds are – like the depth of our childhood abandonment pain.
It does mean we can develop better alternative responses to difficult situations that get stronger than the pull of our damage

Second: Check in to see what emotions are being stirred.  Our actions will be based on how well we understand ourself in that moment
Third: Check mental files for a ‘pre-recorded’ words or phrase we’ve practiced for stress occasions. We can draw from the list of “Effective Responses” – they really work
• Talking or being silent are both a kind of action – active or passive.  What matters is which Ego State they’re coming from

EXP: Gina was sitting in a 12-Step meeting, listening to the thin, angry blond woman in all black leather go on & on for 5 minutes about how she HATED EVERYBODY! Gina’s immediate thought (from her WIC) was to go over & sooth the woman, be a friend, commiserate….
but this time Gina’s inner Good Parent took over & said to the kid: “NO WAY! Didn’t you just hear her?? She said everybody – that includes you. You’re not exempt just because you care, & you’re not going to change her to make yourself feel safe from her anger!”

🔸 BETTERsilence WAYS to RESPOND
a. Say Nothing – there are times when the only thing that makes any sense is to be quiet. We can give someone a quizzical or angry look, or just a smile. A genuine laugh may be called for when something ridiculous or outrageous has been said, & no other response is possible! BUT NOT from anger or derision. Rather – with humor, perhaps a sense of irony, even identification. Who hasn’t said something stupid or insensitive?

Some reasons to not do or say anything:
• it’s not a safe time or place
• it’s not worth the effort
• others are around & you’d do yourself some harm
• you know the person or situation can’t be corrected or improved OR
• it’s someone you know, & they’re having a bad-hair-day
• you need time to process what just happened

➼ LETTING GO of being heard, of being right, of getting what you want, of fairness… is sometimes the ONLY possibility, & takes a level of emotional maturity to handle

EXP: Sandra’s sponsee asked if she’s be at Friday nite’s meeting & she said yes.  That day she developed a cold & decided to stay in bed.  Sat. morning the sponsee called very angry: ”Why didn’t you show up last nite? You said you’d be there & I brought you flowers for your B/day! You’re so unreliable, I can’t believe you stood me up….”

Sandra told her she was sick, but the woman didn’t care. A week later, when they saw each other, the sponsee started up again, berating her.  Sandra just stood there & listened. She decided that, knowing this person, nothing she could say would make a difference.  So after a few minutes she said: “OK, bye” & left.  That was the end of their association.

✶ Sandra was aware that by not making the effort to convince her sponsee of her innocence, the other woman believed Sandra was agreeing with her & admitting being at fault!
It was something Sandra had to ‘swallow’ & help her WIC live with. But she’d learned from painful experience that trying to justify herself to someone with a closed mind only made a fool of herself!
It’s especially painful for us to be accused wrongly – at any time – but in this case she’d never be believed anyway, so why try doing the impossible? (“Serenity Prayer – backwards“)

NEXT: Positive Responses – Part 5 (more actions)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

floral 2 

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – Emotions

REVIEW: Events + Emotions

 

 

3. REALISTIC THINKING Circle
✶ ACoAs need to feel safe before we can feel loved!
Is your breathing shallow? Our terror is so deep & long-standing that we can barely breathe, but don’t realize it. “Clarity (knowledge) is Power” say the coaching gurus. Mental health includes being able to think accurately, without lots of complication. It’s one of the ‘secrets’ to feeling safer & more empowered, which eliminates drama

To accomplish that, we need to know (Ts) what:
• specific Toxic Rules we’re still obeying
• cruel, scary & untrue things we say to ourselves (S-H & PP)
• Cognitive Distortions (CDs) they represent, and –
• the corrections for those CDs

RECOVERY – It’s important to keep our side of the street clean in dealing with the world.
Minimizing S-H & shame makes it easier to take responsibility for our T.E.A.s (thoughts, emotions & actions), & to remember that most of what happens to us or around us is NOT about us!

Healthy ways to THINK about an upsetting event
a.  NO mind-reading
Re. people we know well, we can probably figure out what made them say or do something hurtful or irresponsible
Re. everyone else – we simply have no way of knowing. AND – even if we do know why, we won’t get validated, since most people don’t know what motivates them
Regardless, it’s not respectful to get inside other people’s heads, just like we shouldn’t let anyone live rent free in ours! 😾
✓ “I know how I FEEL, but can’t presume to know why others say / do something”

b. Self-Check
Using the questionnaire from “What Just Happened” , we can identify any part we may have played – without guilt, shame or S-H.  If our side is legitimately clean, we’ll feel relief
✓ “I’m willing to double-check myself – did I contribute in some way to this incident?  If yes, I’m willing to work on it. If not, I can ‘let go’”

c. Ask, Ask, Ask!ASK
We were taught to never ask others about themselves nor ask for information or help.  This may have been appropriate when we were kids, who can be bothersome to some adults, & often say embarrassing things.
But mainly it was because dysfunctional families don’t know how to communicate properly & didn’t teach us boundaries.  Asking eliminates mind-reading.
✓ “I have a right to ask what they meant by what was said, or why they did xyz.”

d. Corrections
• Us – with self-esteem we’re not afraid to own our own baggage, not ashamed of having needs. We know we can’t be perfect, so don’t expect it of ourselves.
✓ “If I contributed to a problem, I’m willing to talk it out & make any amends, or correct any misunderstanding”

• Them – Recovery teaches us not to tolerate or excuse bad behavior from anyone! WE set boundaries & make it clear how we want to be treated.  Self-respect allows us to walk with dignity, which others will sense right away. We’re not better than others, just equal as human beings
✓ “If someone crossed my boundaries, said something mean or did something disrespectful / inappropriate… I can stand up for myself by letting them know it’s unacceptable, & how I want to be treated in the future”

e. Acceptance is ‘acknowledging what is’ – no more, no less.
Healthy Thinking eliminates drama, endless obsessions & convoluted plans. We accept that there are people & situations we have little or no control over, especially like trying to get needs met from anyone who is emotionally unhealed
✓ “If I know the person well enough to know that no amount of explanation or discussion about their behavior will ever get thru to them, I won’t even try!”Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.44.18 PM

f. Letting Go
Trying to convince someone with a closed mind of our point of view is humiliating – we just make fools of ourselves. 12-Step Programs say: “Let go with love”.
If we can’t do it that way, then let go with – anger, indifference, frustration – but let go!
This means NOT continuing to want, expect & demand the impossible of others
✓ “If I’ve done all I can or want to – to deal with a situation – then I’m willing to stop thinking about it.  It’s done.”

NEXT: Positive Responses (#4) – Actions

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 2)

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flowers 2 

 

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – re events

REVIEW: Part 1: Events + Large Chart

POSTS : EMOTIONS – To Motivate


2. EMOTIONS Square
Healthy ACoAs are not afraid to feel, own & deal with our emotions. Es are a vital part of our self-protection & self-correcting mechanism, built in to our brain (the limbic system).  It doesn’t matter which ego state the emotions come from – they’re all part of us. As we learn to identify ‘who’s’ saying & feeling what (Ts & Es) – we can respond to internal cues more accurately

a. From the WIC (adapted child)
• These emotions will be left-over from our difficult childhood – abandonment terror, hopelessness, profound existential loneliness, rage, self-hate, even feeling suicidal – all based on actual experiences, PLUS internalizing those of our parents

b. From the Negative Introject
It includes all the dysfunction from their background, & their feelings towards us, including:
desperation, disgust, fear of abandonment, indifference, impatience, neediness  ……  emotions we absorbed & continue to carry – until they’re cleaned out.  We have to face our pain, but the thoughts & feelings of our parents MUST be given back to them! via repeated visualizations & statements

EXPs:
• “Dad, I love you but I can’t save you from mom’s cruelty. I tried to ease your pain, even taking on your covert suicidal feelings, but never could fix you. You chose her & stayed with her – it’s your marriage. You’re not my mate, so I give you back to her!”

• “Mom, I’ve been carrying your fear, helplessness & unfelt rage all these years, thinking it would help lift your burden. I’m sad that you’ve been suffering, but I know now it was an impossible task & not mine to deal with anyway. I’ve rolled up all your pain in a big black ball & now give it back to you. I have enough of my own to Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.34.34 PM.pngheal!”

c. From the Healthy Child  
• Our Natural Self, whether Introvert or Extrovert, is a combination of – amusement, amazement, anger, curiosity,  excitement, disappointment, love, joy, shyness, trust … and  envy, fear, greed, need, naiveté, selfishness, stubbornness ….  (PAC characteristics)

d. From the Loving Parent
• This is the missing ego state in all wounded ACoAs & so is the most important to develop, replacing the PP (pig parent / bad voice) : love, consistency, patience, persistence, sense of humor, tolerance, faith….. needed for positive self-care

NOTE : the Healthy Adult is basically emotion-free – primarily our computer mode, practical, rational & objective
ACCEPTANCE

i. I didn’t Cause it
Other people’s reactions to us speaks about who they are.
😻 Getting this truth into our cells is a core imperative !!! a requirement for peace of mind!  ONLY our co-dependence & narcissism says otherwise
ii. I can’t Control it
Being controlling is driven by anxiety – the fear of loss (abandonment) & the grandiose belief that we have power in powerless situations. (Serenity Prayer –  backwards). We can’t make others do or be what we want, only continue working on ourself
iii. I can’t Cure it
While some spiritual practices teach that we have all power, over everything – ultimately there are things in this lifetime we cannot cure, whether in ourselves or in others.  Focusing on the impossible is a waste of time & takes energy away from the many wonderful things we can accomplish!

Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.35.19 PMOTHER PEOPLE — Their reactions to our behavior can have something to do with us, directly OR indirectly IF:
a. about Them:
• we accidentally bump against a long-standing emotional ‘hot button’ in them (we ONLY create buttons in our own physical children)
• we inadvertently remind them of someone in their own damaged past
• we don’t go along with their narcissistic needs or expectations

b. about Us:
• when our unhealed rage &/or neediness pushes others away
• we keep asking unavailable people to be there for us when they can’t
• we consistently expect too much of others, including healthy ones
• we say or do something hurtful, disloyal, selfish…. from our damageScreen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.38.02 PM

🔸 The things WE ARE responsible for can be worked on in Recovery, especially things we do / say that hurt others.
To heal we have to own it all, objectively, without self-hate, & be willing to make changes.
Reasons that others may legitimately be uncomfortable with us (our repressed rage, neediness, unavailability…) will lessen as we develop our ‘UNIT’ & progressively interact with others in new ways.

NEXT: Positive Responses (Thinking)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

flowers 1

 

THIS ISN’T RIGHT!
I don’t like the way I’m being treated

PREVIOUS: Negative Reactions (#3)

REVIEW:  Negative version of chart

POST : Emotional  Maturity


1. EVENTS Circle
This new chart is the correction for the previous one, showing how to deal with stressors in a more appropriate & productive way. The first circle includes the same set of observations as in “Noticing Painful Events”

a. ACoA DIS-EASE
Lack of Acceptance: Even though ACoAs tend to accurately observe our environment, we often refuse to acknowledge what we see & hear, because:
i. we’ve been taught to repress what we know, developing a built-in forgetter / rose-colored-glasses / horse blinders, to keep us from looking around to see the truth or noticing other options. It’s a definite way to be loyal to the family toxic rules & stay the ‘good kid’ .


ii. we don’t want to deal with the consequences of being awake – otherwise we’d have to make some hard decisions like speaking up for ourselves, having it out with someone, being less involved, or leaving. This prevents us from feeling old or new abandonment pain

EXP: You’ve know your BFF for a long time & have been thru a lot together. You’re in 12-step Recovery, learning to face your issues & own your CDs, she isn’t.  You’ve both had lots of lousy relationships, but now she’s married a young, gold-digging philanderer & she’s hurting – but doesn’t want to face being alone again.
You’re very upset for her & really angry at her denial – why can’t she admit she made a big mistake & dump him? She has blinders on, but so do you in some ways. She has never been willing to look at herself, her choices, her damage…. why do you think she’d start now?

b. RECOVERY
Awareness: Accurately identifying & acknowledging what we experience is an important part of Recovery, & eventually leads to a better life, because it:
• honors our truth by respecting our cognitive abilities (info from our brains & intuition)
• allows us to make self-caring decisions, choosing what’s best for us
• encourages us to leave bad situations which would add to the original abandonment, causing more mental & emotional stress
Keep repeating: I KNOW WHAT I KNOW – but I can’t know everything!

For our observations to be reliable / valid, we need to (IMPERFECTLY) have:Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.30.18 PM
❥ a lot less self-hate
❥ a clear distance from the bad voice (PP)
❥ decent boundaries, so less co-dependence
❥ a loving relationship with the Inner Child
❥ a connection to some kind of spirituality

EVENTs needed to be dealt with can be about:
a. any painful internal thought or emotion, not immediately triggered by a present event, but likely from our damaged past
b. a more immediate upset – having a fight, someone being mean, losing something valuable, a disappointed expectation….

c. a distressing situation of our own – death of a parent, a big break-up, losing a job, being in an accident, a fire…..
d. our reaction to a painful external info – like 911, pictures of people suffering anywhere, news of a death… not directly related to us

HEALTH means:
🌱 being able to quickly catch that we really are effected by something
🌱 acknowledging it without – OR in spite of feeling shame, guilt, self-hate & anxiety, so we don’t have to deny or repress it
🌱 asking for support from appropriate people when we need help understanding & coping with a painful event
🌱 learning mental & emotional tools, & remembering to use them to take care of ourselves when distressed

EXP: Sam’s younger brother was in a terrible accident, has been in the ICU for some weeks Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.30.26 PM& doesn’t have long to live (Event). Sam & all his family are devastated (Es), both by the upcoming loss, & because it reminds them of their own mortality

Some are in various states of denial (Ts) about how serious the brother’s damage is, but Sam is valiantly grappling with his shock & fear (Es). He shares his pain in Recovery & makes shifts in some of his long-help beliefs (Ts). Through the pain he’s using this Event as an opportunity for growth (As).  YOGA man: Grudging Acceptance 🥺

NEXT: Positive Responses – Emotions

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Anger)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

daggers 

THAT SO-&-SO!
one way or another, I’m gonna get ‘im

PREVIOUS: ACTIONS – Fearful

 

3. ACTIONS (cont)
a. Fearful reactions

b. ANGRY reactions to painful events
💥 Attack / Revenge (sue, fight, yell…)
This is the most obvious & direct. The need  to be violent – verbally, physically or legally – is used by some ACoAs as a way of venting old pain on the world – anyone except facing the original perpetrators, if possible.
OR we may have tried every other avenue to resolve a problem, but to no avail. Then the only recourse left is to go after our tormentor directly, never considering “letting go”.

⚒ The dysfunctional ‘acting out’ of our rage is WIC’s response to decades of abuse & abandonment.  We’re not crazy, only traumatized
⚒ Continuing to be angry in the present is still wanting the impossible – to be loved & accepted by people who can not & will never be able to provide them!

✶ Remember: When we still over-react to a particular event – it does not mean all our recovery is invalidated. Nip any S-H in the bud! “Progress, NOT Perfection”

💥 Gossip Maliciously – almost any group of people in regular, long-term contact is prone to gossiping. Mostly it’s a common but unhealthy way to pass the time & connect with peers.
However, when ACoAs are in a rage at someone (X), we want to do harm, to make them look bad, in the same way we feel harmed. Then we :
• act like a victim, martyr, the ‘white hat’
• tell secrets we know about (X)
• make up false info to damage (X)‘s rep
• seduce others away from (X) – by shifting people’s allegiance to ourself

💥Make Fun Of – making jokes at someone’s expense ….  While gossip & teasing is indirect, this is a more obvious way to show anger at (Y). Sometimes we believe our meanness has been earned by (Y), at other times it’s just displacing our rage at someone else like a boss, parent or mate

EXPs: Jimmy is a popular techie at a big company, who likes to ‘stir the pot’, & gets away with a lot of bad behavior using charm & gossip.  He’s taken a special dislike to an older woman, who undeservedly reminds him of his alcoholic, controlling mother. He has a key chain ornament of a cow that mo-o-os when squeezed.  For months, every time he passes the woman, he squeezes the cow & smiles impishly.  To please him, all of his coworkers are also amused.  When reprimanded, he finally stops.

💥Sulk – ‘staring daggers’ , ‘if looks could kill’ ….↖️
While this too is about not talking (being mute), it is by no means passive.  Others can feel the rage emanating from us & generally stay Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.58.25 AMaway!
In this case, not saying anything may be that:
• it’s not appropriate right then (in public, at work…)
• we’re so unprepared for a nasty comment or shocked by a scary event, that we can’t find the words at that moment
• we’re afraid of our own intensity – that we’ll do some long-term damage, either physical or emotional, if we let fly
OR • we’re afraid of being punished if we speak up, & we could be

EXP: Zina worked for an active alcoholic who constantly pushed her buttons.  She didn’t know how to stand up for herself, felt she owed him for helping her out at the beginning, & didn’t want to lose her job. So she just fumed!
One day she overheard her boss telling someone: “That Zina has the loudest silences”! She was shocked because she hadn’t realized her (unexpressed) anger was radiating such intensity. It also made her see she needed to change jobs, which she eventually was able to do

💥Tease – always an indirect form of anger & is always abusive. It’s a way to ‘get back at’ someone by using a personal trait against them – their name, size, religion ethnicity, way of talking….. such as ‘hazing’ a new student or employee. It’s a form of adult scapegoating, & leaves permanent emotional scars if continually repeated.
But since teasing is couched in humor, it’s generally considered ‘good fun’, harmless & socially acceptable, therefore allowed & encouraged by others.
But teasing is toxic!

NEXT: ‘Responding Positively to Events’