coaching

GRANDIOSITY and ‘NORMAL’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING –
I’m not weak or wounded!

PREVIOUS: Victim or not? #2

Review posts: “Rescuing”  //  “Process“


DISTORTED  COPING  (P = Perp / V = Victim)
As long as ACoAs have trouble facing the trauma of being a Victim IN childhood, we can’t outgrow that state -because it lives in our WIC & keeps getting acted out all over our life.  Another ‘backwards’ ACoA pattern :
while we do many destructive victim-y things to ourself & let others do them to us, we also are masters at trying to cover up the inner wounds, the same way battered people try to hide broken bones & external bruising.

1. NORMAL
a. Normal can mean what is average for any location or situation, but may be positive or negative & is never absolute
EXP– It’s the norm for :
▫️people in a bar to drink a lot
▫️men in prison to be raped
▫️children of addicts to be scarred
OR It’s the norm for :
▫️country air to be healthier than city air
▫️money to make life easier
▫️great teachers to produce some excellent students.

b. Normal can also mean anything that is the opposite of unhealthy, & is only positive.  NORMAL is being:
▫️a whole human being, by taking care of ourself
▫️part of a community & helping others
▫️happy & productive, with satisfying relationships
Normal is for Love to heal broken hearts & minds…..

✶ ACoAs desperately want to be ‘normal’, as in ‘b’, while not wanting to admit being damaged / wounded (NOT defective), with all it’s weaknesses, so not having to do the hard work of Recovery to become healthy.  This false-normal is a facade to cover our lack of self-esteem & to quiet the bad voice (the PP), rather than being genuinely OK at our core.
normalMany of us don’t want to ask for any kind of help, or be in groups that focus on healing, because “They’re all crazy & I’m not like them!”  But Al-anon reminds us that “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”  It’s one thing to feel empowered & be able to face life’s difficulties with equanimity & guts. It’s another to over-compensate for our un-acknowledged & unhealed history with grandiosity.

EXP: Trish was never taken care of as a child, even in basic ways, & was eventually left by her weak father to take care of her violent, mentally ill mother. In spite of not having any self-esteem or knowledge about self-care, in her early 20’s her talent as a performer got her periodic jobs in small venues.

One day she found out she was pregnant, but wasn’t ready for motherhood & scheduled an abortion – for the same day that she had a gig in a local mountain club. She went to the doctor in the am – alone, & that afternoon drove up to the resort to sing – still alone & in pain.
It never occurred to her to have the operation on a different day, to have someone go with her, or that there was anything amiss about combining the 2 events – until pointed out to her by a therapist 20 yrs later. To her it was all normal !

2. GRANDIOSITY – at its simplest, it’s how a person sees themself as bigger, better, more capable than they really are. It often leads to putting oneself in jeopardy, as big as extreme physical activities, taking unprotected financial or sexual risks, or as ‘small’ as always crossing the street just as the cars start moving forward, smoking for years….
They act as if they’re invincible, magically untouched by the laws of nature or common sense.
BTW : ‘Normal’ grandiosity does include the person having a degree of insight into their overblown ideas – aware their behavior is unusual or unrealistic – just not crazy. But those with grandiose delusions lack this capability for reality-testing.

MAIN CHARACTERISTICS
IRONY: It’s typical of many ACoAs, using it as defense to hide intense unworthiness. Gs:
1. believe they don’t need other people
2. don’t recognize normal human limitations, nor their own
3. exaggerate talents, capacity & achievements, are boastful or pretentious
4. feel unique, special or superior, compared to others. May not admit it even to themself, because it’s not part of S-H
Gs :
5. live in grand fantasies, without taking realistic actions
6. look down on others who won’t take the same chances – as weak or cowardly
7. generally criticize, nit-pick & downgrade other people’s projects, achievements, ideas & dreams – as ‘small’

IMP: Grandiosity hurts ourself AND is abusive to others

NEXT: Grandiosity #2

VICTIMS or NOT? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

HOW BAD WAS IT?
It’s hard for me to know!

PREVIOUS: Victims or Not?

REVIEW: “Feeling Sorry For….”

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

VICTIMs or NOT?  (V = victim , P = Perpetrator / abuser)
Victims can be of any age or gender & from any socio-economic level. While standards differ by culture, it occurs in every country. Because being a V. is often created at an early age, being abused (learned helplessness) is passed from generation to generation like a family disease, called the “inter-generational cycle”.

Victim’s reaction to abuse is great confusion. 
“Do I have a right to say, or even think, that what’s happening is really Abuse? I doubt it. After all, sometimes the other person is nice to me & fun to be with, says they can’t live without me, & tells me they’re sorry. And their actions aren’t always obvious to others, so I may just be making it all up!  Is feeling overwhelmed (self-doubting, drained, fearful, angry, frustrated, hopeless …) about what they are doing, or am I just over-reacting?”

ACoAs often get things backward: (S-H vs Truth)
OLD/NEWThe distorted logic of our self-hate says :
1. it wasn’t all that bad (although some part of us know it was)
2. they DID love us / they did the best they could
3. we were NOT really Victims – just annoying, needy, selfish, weak, bad, flawed kids – & will be forever!

Actually, sanity tells us the truth
✺ We did go thru a terribly painful, chaotic childhood – very real Victims of our home, neighborhood, school, religion, & playground.  We had no choice & very few options at the time. We were Vs then, BUT don’t have to be Vs any more.

YET, as long as we hold on to the S-H lies as our main internal reality, we’re stuck & can’t fully heal. Before Recovery – & sometimes long into it – ACoAs’ reaction to early trauma is either Perpetual Victim or Stoic.

a. Perpetual Victim:  Many ACoAs are still actively living in the old destructive patterns set out for us, & refuse to give up the V. role.
Their attitude is: “I was then & am forever a casualty of my family / school / church…..  I just can’t cope with life, so you can’t expect me to function. I can’t do anything differently now because I’m so debilitated by those experiences. Someone has to take care of me”….
We stay “sick” to stay loyal to our Parents, so we don’t have to:
• do the lifelong hard work of healing our wounds (feel the old pain, change CDs)
• fully take care of ourself as healthy adults, especially if we had to do that for a parent & siblings when we were kids. “Been there – done that”

The is one of many ACoA ironies:
🔶 we cling to deep denial – the abuse & neglect didn’t affect us!
BUT
🔷 we won’t try to heal & be comfortable because we’d lose the proof of what did happened to us back then! “If I get better, no one will ever know how bad it was, & I want everyone to see it & feel sorry for me!”.

This partially comes from a sad reality that most people in our culture assume that if someone ‘looks good / does well’ it means that :
the person is healthy, always had it easy, must have come from a good home, don’t have any problems & never needed to overcome anything.

So, ACoAs who desperately long for external validation for our trauma – from everyone – believe we can only get it if we stay miserable.
This keeps us torturing ourselves unnecessarily – a great shame. We DO need validation, from a few legitimate sources, but then it has to be internalized, so we always “know what I know” in any setting. (re. ACEs – w/ Tree)

re. Self-Pity – from John W. Garner (HEW Sec.)
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics. It’s addictive, gives momentary pleasure, & separates the victim from reality.” For ACoAs – IT’S:
NEGATIVE: being perpetually immersed in the “poor-me’s”
POSITIVE: having deep compassion for ourself – not wallowing. (POSTs “Feeling Sorry for“).
We do have to mourn the loss of all the needs we never got met – a crucial part of Recovery, & the beginning of Transformation. (More…. re. image)

«
NEXT: Victim or NOT (Stoic)  #2

Considering Abuse

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

I’M SO UNHAPPY BEING WITH THEM
but it must be my fault!

PREVIOUS: Principles of    Character

SITE: re. Categories of abuse

NOTE: This series will have many lists of abusive behaviors, in many categories, & from different perspectives, so there will be a lot of over-lap in headings & examples. This is deliberate. As kids we HAD to ignore, trivialize or forget what was done to us, & then act out those self-destructive patterns in our adult life.

We must identify exactly what happened before we can change it, & repetition is useful in breaking thru our denial. Also, reading or hearing something in different wording & context can more easily get past our defenses. The main (but not exclusive) focus of these posts is on Emotional Abuse.

DEF : Abuse – are all the painful things done to us & around us as kids, & comes in each of 4 PMES categories,
and Neglect – are all the good things we didn’t get, growing up

ABUSE : In general, it’s any communication or behavior designed to control & enslave someone. In alcoholic & narcissistic families it was to keep us ‘in our place’, to prevent us from leaving home, to punish us for not being who or what the Perpetrators expected, or wanted!
It is & was done by causing continual fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion & manipulation.

Its any form of intrusion into another’s psyche, including :
• a desire to to denigrate, to ignore, to causes pain
• financial, intellectual or spiritual tactics, ranging from mild to lethal
• ignoring or making fun of another’s basic needs & interests
• verbal, physical, sexual &/or emotional attacks
• not respecting privacy, being brutally honest with a sadistic sense of humor, consistently tactless, expect too much

⚙︎ Most people automatically assume ‘abuse’ only refers to physical harm – yelling, hitting, beating, broken bones …. so will firmly state: “I was never abused growing up”. However, because human beings are made up of 4 interlocking categories (PMES = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual) we can be wounded OR encouraged in many ways at each level.

Being abused can happen just once with someone, or when subjected to a bully for a short time. But usually it’s a long-term pattern of behavior by a severely damaged, cruel, angry &/or mentally ill person who uses their position (as parent, boss, teacher, mate, older sibling or friend, community leader…. ) to:
▷ intimidate others who have less personal or social power, OR
▷ take advantage of those who by nature or training are more accommodating, compliant & sensitive

While most people on occasion act unkindly, even cruelly, when provoked or under great stress, what we’re looking at here is ongoing attitudes & actions that tear us down, body & soul. Even when they seem intermittent, over time they wear at us !
Therefore ACoAs can honestly say that we were severely & regularly abused by our damaged parents (& other authority figures) , especially re. emotions (Es). Genuine Es are NOT widely recognized, valued or encouraged in our society, much less in dysfunctional families. So we ended up ignoring or minimizing them in ourself, as well as in others, especially if we didn’t get physically or sexually attacked as kids.

Most of us never felt loved but blamed ourself for the lack. Regardless of what our parents said or how they felt about us in their own mind & heart – their distorted way of treating us was not an expression of healthy Love.
So to compensate – as adults – we look for it everywhere we go, & from everyone we deal with.
This can make us vulnerable to a subtle form of abuse – being ‘over-loved’, needed & depended on too much, OR being over-protected & infantilized, OR controlled & used.

These are actually ways to treat us as an extension of the person who claims to love us, as an object rather than a separate being, or a means of their personal gratification. It’s never about what the way the ‘beloved’ really needs or wants.
BTW,
LOVE is the emotion with the highest energy vibration. IT:
🔅feels good, because it’s the absence of fear
🔅is an action, not just a feeling, so requires attention
🔅is unconditional, understands & accepts differences
🔅has empathy, no room for jealousy, has wants but is not needy
🔅means putting other people’s needs equal to, or before our own
🔅varies in how it’s expressed & accepted, which can include letting go, so doesn’t demand continuing a relationship that no longer works.

NEXT: Victims or not?

Positive Character: HUMANITY (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

BEING RESPECTFUL & RESPONSIBLE
makes me a better world citizen

PREVIOUS: Character – Social IQ

SEE: Expanded list of Traits to choose from


💚 APPRECIATION of beauty and excellence (awe, wonder, elevation):
The ability to admire the masterful design of a person, place or thing, especially if it has many levels of meaning, each layer with a distinct flavor & secret. Notice & value skilled performances & the high quality in all areas of life – arts & sciences, nature & everyday experiences.art appreciation
EXP:
• be awed by the vastness of nature & the intimate details of life • enjoy good craftsmanship  • pause often to take in a view, & look at the sky • understand & appreciate what goes into making anything artistic   • watch people & animals in motion

💚 CITIZENSHIP (social responsibility, loyalty, teamwork
GENERAL: be an active part of a political community, enjoying its rights & assuming duties of membership – which form a distinct sense of identity
SPECIFIC: work well as part of a group or team, be loyal to the unit, do our share, take responsibility for our actionsvote
EXP:
• are troubled by social injustice  • aware of the wider world, with a sense of our role as world citizens  • respect & value diversity  • willing to take actions to make the world a more equitable & sustainable place

💚 GENEROSITY (liberal in giving)
Carefully manage resources so we can freely give to those in need.generosity
NARROW: willing to give money, time, energy, info….to help others, or in order to give them pleasure, and to give more than is expected.
BROADER: be sympathetic in how we deal with people. Tend to see the good qualities of someone or something
EXP:
• give of our time and talents  • not expect anything in return for our generosity  •  praise the good we see in others   • share what we have with others • recycle

💚 GRATEFULNESS  (is NOT like being indebted)
Have an appropriate sense of & value the benefits we have received – at birth, from family, from our environment. Also, a desire to repay  or pass on some of the advantages we were given.
Let others know by words & actions how they have improved our life.  Acknowledge someone for a favor they have done us.  Focus on the positives in our life
EXP:
• be content with what we have  •  count our benefits / blessings, rather than our burdens   • take care of our things    • show helpful people that we appreciate them   • take care of our things  • write “thank you” notes

💚 FAIRNESS
Treating all people the same, according to universal ideals of equality and justice, the same way we want to be treated. Do not make mental evaluations or decisions that unfairly favor or discriminate against others – because of incorrect or inappropriate considerations.
Act consistent with rules, logic, ethics, or in a proper legal manner.  Don’t let personal feelings bias our decisions about others.  Give everyone a fair chance & not take advantage
EXP:
• be willing to give up our share of something for someone who has a lot less  • play fair   • see everyone as having equal rights  • think how our actions will affect others

💚 KINDNESS / COMPASSION (amiable, nurturing, gentle)
Show consideration, personal concern or deep sympathy for others.  The ability to make other people feel comfortable by our inner calmness.  Sometimes putting our own need for attention & self-esteem second to the needs of others. Feel sincere sorrow for others who are stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering if we can
EXP:
• comfort others without regard to race, gender, faith, age, or nationality   • do a good deed for strangers   • listen when others want to talk • look for lasting solutions  • don’t annoy or irritate people   • have good manners

NEXT: C for HUMANITY, #2

Positive Character: SOCIAL IQ

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

  positive characterIT’S TIME TO ”ADULT” 
– wherever I am

PREVIOUS:  Knowledge #2

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

✿ ACCOUNTABILITY 
“The buck stops here” ∼ Harry S. Truman.
It may be called the ‘ultimate responsibility‘ because it can’t be shared – it’s the obligation to bear the consequences of any action, & especially for failure to perform as expected. It includes striving to express our highest values in whatever we do, aspiring to be our best in all interactions.
accountable
Re. work: each person responsible for the tasks & functions essential to our role or position
Re. relationships: admitting & owning our motivations, words & actions – but not more than that (opposite of co-dependence)
EXP: • being clear & direct  • being trustworthy • not blaming others  • doing things the right way & for the right reason

✿ DISCRETIONdiscreet
Recognizing & avoiding any attitudes, words & actions that could create unpleasant or undesirable consequences. It includes being tactful – avoiding embarrassing situations, not upsetting others, good at keeping secrets, & not attracting inappropriate attention to ourself. Respectful of taboos, not being sucked into what we know is unhealthy or illegal – for ourself or in general
EXP: • choose our words carefully  • don’t make fun of others  • have good manners • thoughtfully consider criticism   • turn down any invitation to do what we know is socially or morally wrong

✿ PERSUASIVENESS (being effective)
The ability to gently maneuver “vital truths around another’s mental roadblocks.” Appeal to someone’s reason, values, beliefs or emotions, in order to convince them to adopt a particular belief or pursue a specific action to their benefit – without doing harm to them or ourself.
Having legitimate influence over others (parent, teacher, boss…. ) allows us to live more in line with what’s suitable, instead of what others want us to do or be
EXP:  • appeal to a person’s conscience in terms of their best qualities  • don’t argue or bully in order to convince someone  • don’t stretch the truth (lie) to make it more attractive  • point others in the right direction   • wait for the best time (have good timing)

✿ PUNCTUALITY
Having a good sense of timing & foresight, with the ability to plan ahead.  Consistently being on time shows that we’re the master of our life & therefore can be counted on.
It shows up as completing required tasks or fulfilling obligations before or by the time it’s due, being on time for appointments AND being prepared on arrival.  It’s knowing when our responsibility ends & someone else’s begins (boundaries), while showing respect for others’ time & plans.
EXP:
• be at the right place at the right time   • don’t make people wait for us  • don’t fall into the trap of “just one more”  • prepare for unexpected delays  • plan a daily schedule and keep it

✿ RECEPTIVITY
receptiveBeing ready & willing to gladly receive all the beneficial & beautiful things life has to offer. Notice whatever positive situation is unfolding in the present moment, taking in what’s available, & making the best use if it. Absorb & hold new suggestions or concepts quickly & easily, open to reasonable arguments, ideas, or changes.  Not having to fight for or be pushy about getting what we want.
EXP:
• accept people for who & what they are   • be grateful for what we have • be willing to receive when it appears  • patiently wait for things to develop

✿ SENSITIVITY / EMPATHY
Show consideration & personal concern for others. Consider things from someone else’s point of view. Be able to pick up on others’ actual attitudes, motives & state of mind (not mind-reading but rather from careful observation).  Understand & identify with the emotions of others – as a direct result of having access to a wide range of our own emotions.in their shoes

Making other people feel comfortable. Being able to fit into different social situations. Don’t decide about someone based only on one interaction, & don’t let our own fears or prejudices get in the way of how to treat them.  EXP:
•  do not feel sorry for yourself • have a deep appreciation for & acceptance of another’s point of view   • make it easy for people to click with us   • read body signals, tone of voice & facial expressions  • say supportive & comforting things to someone in pain

NEXT: Positive C. – Humanity #1

Positive Character: KNOWLEDGE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

 I CAN NOTICE WHAT SUITS ME
without being judgmental

PREVIOUS: Character: Traits & Contrasts

SITE: “Brave New Kitty” blog – re FoO, Recovery….

◉ ATTENTIVENESS
 a. The trait of being cautious – appropriately alert to possible danger (not paranoia) for ourself & our loved ones
b. Staying in the ‘now’, listening to the ‘still small voice’ in ourselves & from H.P.
c. Indicates the worth of a task or situation by being alert, interested, observant & giving it undivided concentration

d. Recognizes the value of others by giving them listening ears, respect, courtesy & focus – not just about our own needs & wants.
Paying attention to what’s really important to ourself, as well as to others, by noticing details of words & actions
EXP:
• ask questions if we don’t understand  • don’t distract from a situation by shifting attention to ourself  • don’t drift off   • look at people when they speak to us  • sit or stand upright

◉ CREATIVITY (originality, ingenuity)
Approach a need, task or idea from a new perspective. Create something new (a product, a solution, a work of art, a novel, a joke…) that has some kind of value.  A love for putting disparate things together that at first don’t seem to fit – but later the connections are obvious. Always curious about the physical world & relationships, as well as about the inner world of ideas & emotions.
creativeBeing playful, childlike & full of wonder, not rushing to solve a problem, taking time to imagine & dream. Not being run of the mill, not afraid to be different or have to play by the rules.

EXP:
• always look for alternative ways of doing things • have novel solutions to tricky problems  •  look for a better way to live
• the mind constantly challenges the status quo • see things from more than one perspective • use sound principles to solve puzzles • use ones talents for good to self & others

◉ CURIOSITY (novelty–seeking, open to experience)
A drive to know new things, finding many subjects & topics fascinating, always exploring & discovering. Having wonder & admiration for a wide range of info.  Able to access the Healthy Inner Child, who has wonder & admiration for everything – even when it doesn’t like something.

creativeCuriosity helps to shed light on personal issues & troubles by motivating us to uncover big truths & subtle nuances of our inner & outer life. It makes us want to discover things for ourself, not just take someone’s word for it. It is helped by self-control, perseverance & emotional security
EXP:
• ask more questions and trust fewer assumptions  • be open to new possibilities  • only stop asking Qs when we’ve gotten the info we need or want  • can tolerate difficulties or injuries from trying out something new

◉ DISCERNMENT / JUDGMENT (objective thinking, NOT being judgmental)
.
Able to see the deeper reasons behind situations & events. Think shrewdly, sift through conflicting or confusing facts, & choose the best alternative.
Examine things from all sides and not jump to conclusions. Able to change one’s mind in light of new & appropriate evidence, weighing all info fairly. Form the best opinion of a person or situation.

Question things that don’t make sense, ask for the source of info & explore it in more depth. Grasp & understand what is obscure. NOT be critical (discernment is noticing things, while critical is being unkind).
Moral wisdom includes the ability:evaluate
➤ to evaluate a situation or person (putting a value on it) by observing attitudes, communications, & repeated patterns

➤ to judge / choose the healthiest option available, reaching an appropriate decision about what to do or not do – given the desire for a good outcome.
EXP: • ask questions  • consider possible outcomes   • don’t judge hastily  • don’t repeat mistakes  • know what is helpful vs. harmful  • learn from experience • search for value  • trace problems to their cause.

NEXT: Character – Knowledge #2

Character TRAITS & CONTRASTS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

character THE MORE I KNOW
the better I can manage my life

PREVIOUS: What is Character (#2)


See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

POSITIVE TRAITS + Contrasts
The book “Character Strengths and Virtues” 2004, by Christopher Peterson & Martin Seligman, provides a renewed focus on the science of character – the research community’s first attempt to identify positive human traits.  The authors defined character strengths (CS) as the pathway to virtues which are valued by moral philosophers & religious teachers.

• This CHART is for us to ponder, identify & then own all Character Strengths that fit us & that we allow ourself to acknowledge. List examples of each these positive traits that apply based on your life experience. Get suggestions from a trusted ally, if needed.

• The 1st column lists Positive Characteristics & then contrasts each with 3 variations.  If you identify mainly with columns 2, 3 or 4, you then can see what Healthy traits you can work towards, rather than just giving up as being hopeless.
You may want to print out this form & check off the traits you identify with – in the narrow white columns. Use a gradient of 1 to 5 for each, 1 being weakest, 5 the strongest.
⬇️ CATEGORIES : 1. Wisdom & Knowledge  2. Courage
3. Love  4. Justice  5. Temperance  6. Transcendence

NOTE : the next few posts are a sample list of character qualities, divided into themes. You can add to the list or change the category you think each fits into, as it makes sense to you.

NEXT: Positive Character – Knowledge, #1

Dimensions of CHARACTER (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

MY CHARACTER STRENGTHS
come from my genes & my family life

Previous: Dimension of C, Part 1

Take: ‘Big 5 Personality Test’

 

The “O.C.E.A.N.” scale:
These “Big 5” personality factors are broad dimensions based on research, & includes influences from both heredity (H) & environment. Studies of twins suggest the combination contributes in roughly equal proportions.

OPENNESS to experience (H = 57%) Re. Culture, Originality, Intellect
• Inventive / curious <—to—> Consistent / cautious
curiousa. high ‘O’ scorers have strong intellectual curiosity, sensitivity to beauty, a preference for novelty & variety, tolerance for & active exploration of the unfamiliar, & hold liberal or unconventional beliefs.
These people are generally more creative, more aware of their Es, open to new & different values, belief & attitudes.

b. lower scorers see themself as “down to earth”, more reserved, conventional, traditional & conforming. They prefer the plain, obvious & straightforward – rather than the complex, ambiguous or subtle. Generally more analytical & resistant to change, they view the arts & sciences with suspicion, as a waste of time or uninteresting.  At the extreme —> they’re closed-minded, provincial, dull, literal-minded, inflexible.

CONSCIENTIOUSNESS  (H = 49 – 61%) Will to Achieve
•  Efficient / organized <—to—> Easy-going / careless
a. high ‘C’ scorers are: self-disciplined, dutifully, orderly, cautious, prompt, like to be in control, regulate & direct their impulses & tend to be thought-provoking.
They’re : organized, efficient, persistent – aiming for achievement using definable measures or outside expectations. Generally regarded as responsible & reliable.serious
• At the extreme they may be stoic, methodical, cold – becoming compulsive perfectionists & workaholics.

b. lower Cs are more laid back & spontaneous, not as organized or driven to succeed & take it ‘a day at a time’.
• At the other extreme (very low C) – may be lazy, sloppy, careless & have poor impulse control (make a mess of things, shirk duties…).
Can easily be gullible, compulsive followers & put the needs of others before their own.
Very low ‘C’ is linked to antisocial & criminal behavior.
Low ‘C’ + low ‘A’  is associated with substance abuse

EXTRAVERSION (H = 54%) ‘Surgency’ (intense emotionality) : dominant, self-confident, competitive, decisive
• Outgoing / energetic <—to—> Solitary / reserved
intro-extroa.  high ‘Es’ are friendly & cheerful, easily feel pleasant Es (capacity for joy, relaxation, fun, seeing the lighter side…), energized by being with other people.
They’re action-oriented, preferring all forms of group activities, social events, lots of friends & acquaintances, loud music…

They’re assertive, likely to say “Yes!” or “Let’s go!” to opportunities for excitement as well as learning. Love to talk & get attention. Easily bored, with a need for constant stimulation, they may become followers just to have company (<——> opposite of introversion)

AGREEABLENESS  (H = 42%) Accommodation
• Friendly / compassionate <—to—> Cold / unkind
a. high ‘As’ tend to be caring, cooperative, sympathetic, with a general concern for social harmony. They’re usually considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, willing to compromise, considerate of others’ feelings, & have the ability to forgive.
extrovert‘As’ are trusting, & easily form bonds with people because of an optimistic view of human nature – believing people are basically honest, decent & trustworthy. Being also pragmatic, they allow things to get done without interference

b. At the opposite extreme, Disagreeable people place self-interest above getting along. They’re not usually concerned with others’ well-being & so less likely to extend themself. Sometimes their skepticism about others’ motives make them suspicious, unfriendly & uncooperative. They can be argumentative, strong-willed, stubborn & antagonistic.

NEUROTICISM  (H = 48%) Need for Stability
• Secure / confident <—to—> Over-sensitive / nervous
a. N. measures emotional stability / instability, impulse control, & anxiety levels.
High Ns on the ‘sensitive /nervous’ end are more reactive & so likely to experience painful emotions more easily (anger, fear, sadness, embarrassment, guilt, depression)
They’re prone to unrealistic ideas, psychological distress, excessive cravings or urges, more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening & minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult.sensitive

• Painful emotional reactions persist much longer than for other types, so Ns are often in a bad mood. They have trouble evening out Es – which lessens the ability to think clearly, make decisions, or cope effectively with stress.  Can be self-conscious, easily vulnerable, difficult to understand & have less successful relationships.
BOOK: “The Highly Sensitive Person” ~ E. N. Aron PhD

b. At the other end, low Ns are considered well-adjusted – reserved, calm, self-confident & positive. They cope better with stress – less easily upset or reactive, free from persistent painful Es & less likely to feel tense or get rattled.
• However, low levels of emotional distress does not automatically mean being happy (a characteristic of Extroverts). For some, too low ‘N’ can mean being shallow or unemotional.

NEXT: Chart – C. Traits, Contrasts & Opposites

Dimensions of CHARACTER (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

THE MORE I OWN MY CHARACTER STRENGTHS,
the more resilient I can be in life

PREVIOUS: Principles of C

BOOK: “Born Entrepreneurs, Born Leaders: how your genes affect your work life” ~ Scott Shane

NOTE: The focus of these posts are the healthy, positive, useful character traits. Naturally we all exhibit the negative version of them as well (some listed in future post), but as we heal from our damage we can express the very best of ourself, especially the more outstanding traits.

IMP: No one has all of these positive qualities in the same proportions or intensity. Our goal is to identify in ourself as many as we can, appreciate them, hone them – as well as accept & strengthen those we are weak in.
✶ DO NOT let Self-Hate be your guide in listing your innate ASSETS!

CHARACTER IS :
Many studies, including those from Positive Psychology, have defined & classified Character, naming it as the key to understanding what makes up a psychologically good life.

1. For RESILIENCE
Michael Baizerman, Professor of Youth Studies at the U of  MINN, writes that Personal Strengths or competencies are associated with healthy development & life success. He calls it “phenomenological resilience,” which can be observed & measured.
resiliance
• From a recent post on Control (Types of Self-Control, #3):  “Ego resiliency”  is the flexible & appropriate expression of self-control, in the face of uncertainty, change & environmental demands. Without it people tend to become over- or under-controlled.”
Baizerman says the following qualities do not cause resilience, but rather allow it to flourish:
• Autonomy : Adaptive Distancing, Humor, Initiating, Internal Locus of Control, Mastery, Mindfulness, Positive Identity, Resistance, Self-Awareness, Self-Efficacy
• Problem Solving : Critical Thinking, Flexibility, Insight, Planning, Resourcefulness

• Sense of Purpose : Achievement motivation, Creativity, Educational aspirations, Faith, Goal direction, Hope, Imagination, Optimism, Special interest, Spirituality, Sense of meaning
• Social  Competence : Altruism, Caring, Communication, Compassion, Empathy, Forgiveness, Responsiveness

predictors2. As PREDICTORS : This list is used by KIPP NYC, a non-profit network of free, public charter schools preparing students for success in college & life.  They’re mainly focused on 7 highly predictive CS, based on Dr. Seligman’s work:
• Curiosity  : Students are eager to explore new things.  Ask & answer questions to deepen understanding.  Actively listen to others
• Grit : Finish whatever they begin. Try very hard even after experiencing failure.  Work independently with focus
• Gratitude : Recognize & show appreciation for others AND for ones own opportunities
• Optimism: Get over frustrations & setbacks quickly. Believe that effort will improve their future

• Self-Control – School work : Students come to class prepared.  They pay attention & resist distractions. Remember & follow directions. Get to work right away, rather than procrastinate
• Self-control – Interpersonal : Remain calm even when criticized or otherwise provoked.  Allow others to speak without interruption. Are polite to adults & peers. Keep temper in check

• Social Intelligence :  Able to find solutions during conflicts with others.  Demonstrate respect for the feelings of others. Know when and how to include others
• Zest : Actively participate.  Show enthusiasm.  Inspire others

3. At WORK :  Another grouping is the DISC Assessment System

D = Dominant personality, also known as type “A”. Outgoing with a strong desire to get things done. Need constant stimulation & activity, becoming easily bored. Natural strengths:
Ds are: • able to juggle priorities  • born leaders  • high achieversDISC
• clear communicators  • don’t accept rejection  •  great multi-taskers • self-motivated  • Get more accomplished than any other type

I  = Inspiring personality, also outgoing 
like the D, but more interested in fun!
Is are:  • creative thinkers   • energetic •  extroverted   • imaginative   •  optimistic  • great at persuading & motivating others  • people oriented  • relationship builders

S = Sweet personality, which says it all. These people love to help others.  Even though they are more reserved than the first two types, they still like to build relationships just like the “I” personalities.
Ss are:  • caring  •  great finishers  •  quality producers  • peace-makers  • sentimental   •  relationship builders   • team builders  •  mediators

C = Cautious personality, always thinking. They’re reserved, task oriented & perfectionists. They may not talk much, but when they do it’s important
Cs are:   • cost-conscious   •  deep thinkers  •  great researchers   •  planners   • quality-driven  •  resourceful    • systematic  •  task-oriented

NEXT: Dimension of C, Part 2

PRINCIPLES of CHARACTER

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

IT’S GOOD TO KNOW
what to look for

PREVIOUS: What is Character, Part 2

SITE: 7 Common Character types in Fiction

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

PRINCIPLES of Character (C) 

1. Character Strengths (CS) are BASIC
Neal Mayerson (founder of the VIA Institute on Character) says CS are the basic building blocks of the True Self, our essence – the core part that account for being at our best.
• The word “character” comes from a Greek noun for the stamp impressed on a coin.  From that we use the term to mean that individuals have been “stamped” by nature into a complex of mental & ethical traits.

Unfortunately, people often jump to incorrect conclusions about what C traits mean, such as – if someone is sensitive they are therefore weak; if a person is vain they must be shallow …. Groups are also rigidly stamped in a particular way, such as – because of the very real differences between men and women – one group is considered better than the other.  (‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’).

2. C Strengths (CS) are stable, but can & do change
While they are fundamental parts of our personality, these strengths can change in intensity or in focus, depending on predictable life events such as starting a family, unpredictable life events such as a trauma, and deliberate changes in lifestyle.  
• ALSO, some traits may be prominent at one stage in life (being Adventurous but not Compassionate, Socially active but not Discrete…) while other traits may take prominence at other stages, as with experience & maturity (Decisiveness, Cautiousness, Self-control….)

3. CS are inter-dependent
In most situations people will express a combination of CS rather than one at a time. Interactions among strengths may enhance the expression of some but hinder the expression of others.
EXP : it’s hard to be Creativity without some level of Curiosity, or to be Kind without some amount of Bravery…..while being Discrete can limit the ability to be Persuasive, and being Truthful will modify one’s Meekness ….

4. CS can be developed
While we’re born with fundamental & personal CS, we can have them in different proportions (one person will be naturally higher on Courage, another on Cautiousness, one is higher on Ambition, another on Deference….).
Yet the strength of our characteristics can be modified or enhanced with attention, experience & training. People can learn to be more Confident, more Grateful, more Fair, more Open-minded, more Patient….
Specific interventions can have an impact on many CS, such as journaling, emulating others & goal-oriented planning. Persistent practice can break or modify old habits and form new ones

5.  CS can be overused, misused, or under-usedpower abuse
Since we are all molded by our childhood experiences, our fundamental strengths can be repressed & then quickly forgotten, or expressed in unbalanced & harmful ways.
EXP : Creativity can be misused in email spamming, overuse of Curiosity can lead to gossiping, or someone into dangerous locations, under-use of Fairness can lead to conflicted relationships.
Balance and skill are important aspects of mental health

6. CS have important consequences
The result of expressing one’s CS – at their best & from the right motives – is connected to many benefits, such as increased internal happiness & external success.  This may be especially true of our signature strengths – the more intense ones that are energizing & authentic. They’re the True Self strengths we use across many settings & are readily noticed by others.  Over time, research may also reveal that each C. has its own unique effect.
EXP : Perseverance seems to be linked with high achievement (nACH) more than most other character strengths.

7. CS are universaluniversal
Personal Character Strengths (CS) can be found in the most remote cultures & lands, shared by people with differing beliefs, religious affiliations, & political preferences. This makes applying CS more a matter of identifying & then actively using the best parts of us, instead of picking ourself apart.  (from Ryan Niemiec, Psy.D)

NEXT: Dimensions of C.