alcoholism

ACoAs: Loneliness in Childhood (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

neglected children


I NEVER REALIZED BEFORE
how harmful neglect can be!

PREVIOUS: Childhood Loneliness (Part 1)

SITE: Signs & Symptoms of Chronic Loneliness

1. “NORMAL” Stressors
LONELINESS (L) is an inevitable result of any form of PMES loss.
The following are some things all kids can experience – the key to how well they survive is whether or not they’re helped thru these difficulties with accurate information & appropriate emotional support. If not, these events can leave long-lasting scars.

Consider the Loneliness of….
• Abuses:  bullied by a sibling, at school, on the playground, in the neighborhood, mistreatment by school or religious leaders
• Deaths: of a parent, other important family member, a beloved petblack boy crying

• Limitations : learning disabilities (ADD, Dyslexia…), being poorer than others, not learning social skills
• Losses: divorce, BFF leaving, falling out with a friend, loss of favorite family member, teacher or neighbor…

• Major changes : birth of one or more siblings, one or more moves (home, school, country)
• Positives: looking ‘different’, being smarter than most others, having a special skill, having more things than others…

2. CATEGORIES of Loneliness (L)
• Chronic, or trait: more ingrained, part of a person’s lifestyle & therefore not easily relieved (whether alone or with others, being afraid & mistrustful of others, full of S-H….).  It doesn’t matter what actually goes on in their environment, the experience of L. is always there

• External / social isolation: experienced when people lack a wider social network, not feeling part of a community, not having friends or allies they can rely on in times of distress

• Internal / emotional isolation: insufficient or inappropriate attachment, originally to parents & other caregivers. Even securely attached children, when away from caretakers, express separation-distress such as crying, searching for the parent, having a tantrum or being withdrawn.
As adults, it’s the distress of being separated for too long from romantic or other deep connections

• Transient, or state: temporary, caused by something in one’s environment which can be relieved relatively easily & quickly (replacing a pet, temporary illness, a short trip…)

lonely gil in rain3. Loneliness from Family DYSFUNCTION
Research over the past 15 years concluded that an ongoing pattern of abandonment (Ab.) loneliness poses a serious threat to a person’s mental health & social functioning.
– In children it’s associated with being victimized at home & by peers, leading to severe shyness or aggression
– In adults it’s been linked with depression, alcoholism, obesity, & suicide  (MORE…)

GENERAL causes in childhood:
• Feeling unloved & unworthy of love, even if they said they loved us
• No one could be trusted, not reliable, consistent, honest, direct
• The sense of not belonging anywhere & that nowhere was safe
• Little or no comfort from anyone, & ultimately – feeling unwanted!

🔹 Unhealed ACoAs are fear-based, caused by the loneliness of daily childhood abandonment, which is at the root of neediness. We’re still starving for the nurturing we didn’t get – still longing & desperate for it, whether we admit it to ourselves or not.  We’ve been slowly dying inside from the lack of warmth, concern, touch, protection… ever since we were very tiny.

🔻This next category lists some of the many ways our alcoholic, narcissistic family & other groups abandoned us (Ab.) in Physical, Mental, Emotional & Spiritual (PMES) ways.

no teachera. Parental NEGLECT
Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. (T) not having anyone to teach, guide, set an example – about how to do things
…. (E) always being alone with your emotions, especially the painful ones
…. (A) not having anyone to do things with, play with, enjoy the good things in life

b. About our PARENT(s)
Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
…. watching them self-destruct, & not being able to stop them, no matter how hard you tried, but you kept trying anyway, always disintegrationfeeling like a failure

Consider the Ab. loneliness of….
….. having to play ‘god’, be responsible for the adults for their day-to-day physical needs, & sometimes for their very life – or ‘just’ their emotional survival.  You needed them to stay alive, to stop hurting themselves, so they could be the parents you needed – but it never worked!

NEXT: Loneliness in Childhood – #2

ACoAs – Loneliness: Lack of Comfort (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

“NOBODY LOVES ME,
everybody hates me,
I’m going to eat worms & die!

PREVIOUS:  Not enough Love? #3

SITE: “Why Love is Not the Cure for Loneliness … and what’s far more important

REVIEW posts: “Abandonment pain, Now”

QUOTES
• “Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue… and that, for me, is based on insecurity, self-esteem and loneliness.” ∼Naomi Campbell
• “Loneliness, and the feeling of being unwanted, is the most terrible poverty.”  ∼Mother Teresa
• “…..the distressing feeling when one’s social relationships are perceived as being less satisfying than what is desired….” See article above
• “What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?” ∼George Eliot

Def. of LONELINESS (L)
• Dejected or desolate by the awareness of being alone, without companions. Separation between persons or groups
• Feeling a strong sense of emptiness, yearning, distress and solitude, from an inadequate quantity or quality of social relationships
• Sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned
• Social pain – a psychological mechanism meant to alert people to being too isolated, which can motivate them to seek social connections
(SITE: ….. 3 Factors of Loneliness)

ACoAs
✶ Loneliness is a universal phenomenon, since humans are social creatures by nature. But too much of it is crippling.
• Most people think that loneliness is ONLY about external scarcity – not having friends or someone special in one’s life. Human beings definitely need others –
“No man is an island” – for support, companionship, information, touching, mentoring, sex, love, fun, sharing creativity….

… BUT ACoA loneliness is not mainly about missing a physical presence. We know this is true because healthy people can be alone & not feel lonely.  However, ours is primarily an internal lack, from not having been comforted & nurtured as kids, which became a big ‘hole in the soul’, & then is acted out in our life-choices, SUCH AS:

a. With too much unresolved old pain, we’re so uncomfortable being alone with ourselves that we either keep very busy (over-doing, rescuing others….) or find endless distractions (social media, addictions, – to not have to feel / deal with out anxiety & rage

b. This is then reflected in who we pick to be with. Being with the ‘wrong’ person is very lonely indeed – even when it’s someone we love – if they’re always in their own inner world, with little or no room for us.
In that case the loneliness is even greater because there’s the illusion of companionship, but with no real connection

PAST
a. Health: While some children naturally need more time by themselves than others (Introverts), all need guidance & companionship – when learning new info, doing chores, trying out new skills, playing, performing… AND most of all – to not be alone with painful emotions!
Trauma is not only caused by the actual distressing events, but from having to cope with the resulting fear & pain alone!

In difficult times – whether from a skinned knee, being bullied by peers or the loss of a parent – kids need 4 main things:
💔 comfort for any/all emotions the child may be feeling!
📿 physical / medical care, when appropriate
🤔 validation that a situation was legitimately distressing, without hysterics & over-dramatizing
👄 words for what actually happened, & a way to understand it

comforting✶ When children experience these comforting (E) & informative (T) interactions from loving parents &/or other caretakers, self-comforting skills gradually become internalized, so that as adults they know how to take care of themselves, & self-soothing becomes automatic.
By carrying that ‘togetherness’ internally for the rest of life we’re never truly alone. This modifies the level of hurt & eliminates panic whenever we face difficulties & losses as adults.

NEXT: Lack of comfort #2

ACoAs: NOT ENOUGH LOVE? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

misisng heart


THEY SAY THEY LOVE ME
so why is there a hole in my heart?!

PREVIOUS: “Not enough Love?” #1

SITE: Can’t Fall In Love? 10 Psychological Issues That Could Be Stopping You

 

Where do our fearful, LOVE-LIMITING beliefs come from? (cont)
From THEM
a. Parents ISOLATING (see Part 1)

b. Our parents INTERACTING with the world:
▶ Focus – while some parents may have said they loved us, our experience was very different. The real message sent was that we didn’t count very much, leaving us deprived, because they consistently gave their ‘love’ to anything/ anyone but us:Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.41.42 PM
— TO their spouse/ mates, parents, friends, religion, community
— TO their addictions, jobs/ careers, hobbies
— TO one or more of our siblings (dead or alive!)

▶ Looking ‘Good’ – some parents, who also had all the above issues, created a facade for the public which made them seem healthy, even ‘wonderful’ – to others, such as being:
• amusing, friendly & well-liked at work
• respected public figures in their careers
• pious & scholarly in their religious circle
• popular in the local social networks, clubs, groups

• admired for doing community service, helping others in need, generous with their time & possessions ….   but at home, with their own children they were abusive, controlling, demanding,  raging, insensitive, neglectful, perfectionistic….. which left us very confused, and even more convinced that others were ok but we were unlovable!
EXP: More than one of us had a parent give our toys or clothes away to others kids / families without telling us or considering how betrayed & devastated we would feel, just to make themselves look good!

IF a PARENT:
Strapped girl▪︎ constantly teases or makes jokes at the child’s expense, “all in good fun”
▪︎ doesn’t take the child seriously, belittling any effort, wish or dream
▪︎ ignores, shushes, neglects (not warm, affectionate, responsive)
▪︎ over-controls, watches the child’s every move, always correcting
▪︎ narcissistically treats the child as an extension of themselves, rather than seeing them as a legitimately separate being
▪︎ puts down, verbally harasses, judges, criticizes
▪︎ uses a child as a mate / parent substitute or ‘friend’ (emotional incest), to make themselves feel better, stave off their own abandonment fears, loneliness & self-hate….

…. then that child will be so love-deprived, that not only will they feel unloved for their Core Self, they’ll also conclude they don’t have the capacity to give love either – just like the parents. This creates great anxiety, with the fear of allowing themselves to connect with others.

EXP: While doing FoO work, Jenna had a dream: She’s 3 or 4 yrs old, standing in a big room in front of a huge life-size octopus she knows are both her parents.  As their arms undulate towards her she hears their seductive voices: “You’re so beautiful, you’re so smart, you’re so sweet…”

She loves to hear what they’re saying, but knows that if she lets the arms enfold her, the suckers will slowly draw out the vitality of her life energy to nourish themselves. She’s paralyzed – to stay is to die slowly, to run away is to die quickly. Since she’s too little to leave them, the only option she has is to split off her essence & hide it in a ‘gray space’ in her mind – as the arms circle her ….

✶✶ In this dream Jenna saw why she’d been missing the joy of life for so long! Her essential self was wonderfully alive, full of love, beauty & generosity – which her needy parents had been drawing on. Now she was in the process of reconnecting with that essence. It wasn’t gone, just hidden. Now she could reclaim her birthright & shine!

NEXT: Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #1

ACoAs: NOT ENOUGH LOVE? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.39.57 PM

THEY CHEATED ME –
&  now I’m left out in the cold

PREVIOUS: “Fear is the Absence of Love”

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

An ACoA CORE ISSUE is the conviction that:
• there’s not enough love in the world – for us
• we don’t have the ability to love, OR
• we don’t have enough love to offer others, or go around

EXP: Manda wants to study Veterinary Medicine but hesitates because of a fear-based belief: If she takes care of other animals & gives them her affection, she won’t have enough left over for her own dogs, which she adores (& eventually her children). 💙 NOT true!

LOVE – some observations:
Science is finally studying it, & Spirituality has always maintained that we can’t live in harmony without it   (definition of LOVE) :
1. Love is first & foremost an emotion, & all emotions are psychic energy generated in the brain, so it has no limits “…love sides inside the very cells of our physical body, hidden away until we learn to access it…”
2. Love is expressed in words & actions – not just “feelings” (bottom of pg 14)

3. Love can be nourished & enhanced by consistently interacting with positive & joyful ‘people, places & things’ (PPT)
4. Love is a healing force – for mental distress, physical ailments & emotional wounds (re. bi-polar illness) (music album) (Book:”Healing with Love“)

5. Healthy Love includes: good boundaries, a strong sense of worth, mental clarity, a connection to a H.P. & a generous spirit
6. Healthy self-love (a deep sense of value) is created from unconditional acceptance by ourselves & someone important to us

7. Developing healthy self-love allows up to have the inner resources to share with others in a non-toxic way
8. The more we share healthy love with others the more love we get back, so we feel safer & more comfortable in the world, which strengthens our capacity
♥                                         ♥                                           ♥
Where do our fearful, LOVE-LIMITING beliefs come from?
Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.40.44 PM1. FROM THEM: our needy & abusive FAMILY (& often other sources such as school, religion, the community…)
• It’s helpful to remember that the adults we grew up with also had:
✓ active addictions  ✓ cognitive distortions    ✓ emotional problems such as depression, NPD, co-dependence…..
✓ fear of abandonment    ✓ self-hate  …..

• These dysfunctions combined to make our parents very fearful (Es), with a ‘deprivation mentality’ (Ts) & a deep sense of lack (As).  To survive without Recovery for themselves, they used whatever was in their environment to get by – each other, their work, their addictions – but most often they used their children as a source of vitality – like vampires!

a. Our parents (P) being ISOLATED from the outside world:
✓ FoA (fear of Abandonment) – since they never dealt with their own losses, they emotionally & mentally crippled their children to keep us attached & loyal for a lifetime. This was done by neglecting, berating, controlling & belittling us, AND sometimes also over-praising us – for their benefit – all of which prevented the development of legitimate self-esteem

✓ Being “Tight Knit” – Many of our Ps didn’t want us to get involved with others outside the family because it would take us away from focusing on them, but when they socialized, it was at our expense!

✓ Addictions, Shame, Fear of Risk – alcoholic families are typically a closed system – they generally don’t reach out to be of service or help the community, NOR participate in outside activities for fun & PMES nourishment

✓ Narcissism – all Ns feed off of the attention & ‘service’ of others in order to keep their facade in tact (‘Malignant Self-Love’ – Dr. Sam Vaknin, about male narcissists, + Links )

🔻 Children need to FEEL loved. It’s not enough that Parents (Ps) think or say they do. If they ‘show’ it in self-centered ways – even without beatings, molesting or physical torture – they definitely fail to get the message across.

NEXT: Not enough Love? (Part 2)

“FEAR is the ABSENCE of LOVE”

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, HEAL & GROW for ACoAs, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

Sscared fish 

LOVE vs FEAR
I don’t know what love is, so how can I tell?

PREVIOUS: How ACoAs Abandon Others #3b

REVIEW: ACRONYM page for abbrev.


WHAT DOES this quote MEAN?
• Like so many popular ‘spiritual’ saying there’s some truth in it, but not the whole story, so we can easily get confused & also misuse it. Love & Fear are both Emotions, see. T.E.A.
Generally, it means that if we did have enough love in our life, we won’t be afraid = loved by a Higher Power, by family, by pets, by friends…  Yes, these are to be desired & cultivated.
BUT the reality for ACoAs is that we are fear-based, no matter how much recovery we may have. There are 2 separate issues re. this quote:

1. Fear is created in CHILDHOOD by genuinely being in danger!
• As kids, ACoAs lived in an atmosphere of constant trauma, subjected to fear-inducing experiences (mental, physical & emotional) practically every day of our childhood.
AND there was very little comfort or validation of our reality. On the contrary, if we told anyone or complained, they said we were over-reacting, making it up, being disloyal, AND it was our fault “What did you do?” Even if anyone believed us, they didn’t / couldn’t help, so we had to suck it up.

EXP:  A lot of our childhood was like being:
— a 5 yrs old, dropped off in the middle of a huge traffic intersection at rush hour, left there in our underwear, told to not whine & ‘JUST COPE’ !!  How cruel !

All that pain & terror got pushed down, so where did it go?  Yes, in large part, psychologically, it went into the unconscious. But physically – the chemicals generated by terror & other painful emotions got stored in our body – in our organs, our muscles, choking our aura, meridians & chakras.

2. Fear is created NOW by outer events & inner thoughts
a. Present-day reality. There are many real-world stressful events we’re faced with in life requiring a clear mind, much human help & Spiritual support. .
It’s normal to be fearful when WE:
• are overwhelmed by too many things needing our attention
• find out we’re very sick, & sometimes – don’t know the cause…
• hear / read about traumatic world events ….
• have a lot of emotional turmoil (visiting family, getting married or divorced…)
• loose something very important to us (apartment burns down…. )
• see someone we love is in danger (a child, a pet …)

BUT for ACoAs, such events can easily trigger the pain of past trauma, pushing us over the limit of our scarce reserves. So our emotional reaction will be much bigger than that of less wounded people.

b. Toxic Thinking. Fear will always be generated by harmful thoughts – our inner world of beliefs babad voicesed on negative family rules (CDs) – the harsh, scary things we tell ourselves, creating more terror on top of what we’re already carrying from our past.

Terror & S-H are behind ALL rage and ALL obsessions. WE:
• are convinced someone’s angry at us or can’t stand us, when they didn’t say hello or give us a compliment …..
• are so used to things not working out, & having anxiety as our constant companion, that we create mental drama when it’s not called for…
• believe we’re “dying of cancer” when we’re not seriously sick (especially when not feeling well but don’t know what’s wrong)
• assume others will react to us the same way we think about ourselves – badly !
• project only painful outcomes on to situations & relationships
• worry about future catastrophes & abandonments, which may never happen & which we will have no control over

Daily childhood abuse & neglect (unprocessed) accumulate in deep reservoirs of hidden pain, which most people call anxiety, because on the surface it doesn’t seem to be connected to anything obvious. HA !
As long as this backlog remains frozen, the pain:
a. drives much of our behavior, our thinking & interactions
b. causes physical & psychological ailments ….

… but in Recovery, much release work can be done, which definitely helps!  We can get to a place where we live more in a state of calm rather than upset. There will always be some residual ‘old’ fear that shows up thru the years when we’re under stress – never being completely rid of all original abandonment terror. This should not be a surprise, since there was so much of it.  We need to be extra kind to ourselves.: “Feel the fear & keep going”, but softly, softly.Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.34.08 PM

“Fear is the absence of Love” is about :
— not having loving safe parents, originally
— the scary thoughts which torture us
— not searching out people who can be good to us, &
— not believing there’s any safety in the world – for us !

HOWEVER when we practice nurturing our Inner Child, connecting with the peace of a loving H.P. & with healthier people, our overall fear level diminishes, especially the unnecessary suffering we’ve been add to the ‘pile’.
➼  We can’t always control or eliminate old fear, but we can be in better charge of that we THINK & what we DO about it.

NEXT: Not Enough Love? – #1

ACoAs – ABANDONING OTHERS (Part 4b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS :
ACoAs abandoning others #4a

 

 


7. UNDER-VALUING (cont.)
b. As a ‘life-style’(cont.)

c. Finding Fault (F.F.) in relationships – always looking for their flaws, no matter how unimportant, which will be a deal breaker for us – & we always find some! This is especially true if someone gets too close, whether the relationship is short or long-term. We may like a person at first, but there’s no leeway for them to be human – imperfect or occasionally disappointing.

✶ This is a common ACoA ‘back-door’ defense in relationships – always having one foot in & one OUT, ready to bolt. We assume all will end in abandonment anyway, so don’t get too invested! It feels safer than admitting we need anything (company, fun, live, respect, validation, being seen….), or to admit we’re needy & vulnerable under all our bluster.

Original CAUSE
Growing up in an emotionally & physically dangerous environments (at home & outside) left us with an inability to trust anyone – even people who are kind or neutral. We’re terrified of being trapped, controlled, abused, abandoned – the way we truly were as kids. This is not our imagination or just our interpretation!

We found all those early experiences so unbearable, THAT:
• some of us created a fantasy world & retreated into it, turning everyone & everything into a fairy story, to make them safe (idealized)
OR we decide as kids that to be permanently skeptical, that no one is safe (under-valued),
BUT
✑ anyone who’s kind, fair or appropriate is simply not in our line of sight
✑ or we think they’re faking it, & want something
✑ and once they really get to know us they’ll stop being so nice.

RESULTS
• No Love: Undervaluing everyone & everything (“Life sucks!”) may seem like a protection against more hurt & punishment, according to the WIC.
But it actually prevents us from taking in any available attention, kindness & love we’re so desperate for. This insures that we don’t heal from our wounds, keeping us forever needy.

• Poor Relationships: Fear of Intimacy is a core issue for ACoAs, which comes from the deadly combination of :
— fear of being engulfed (weak boundaries) &
— fear of abandonment (self-hate).
Our default position is that we’re unworthy of being loved or valued, while everyone else is allowed (like a preferred sibling).

• In childhood, the people who were our mainstay for survival & who tied us symbiotically to them because of their FoA, were dangerous or cold or gone. That was too painful to bear, but it’s the only form of intimacy our WIC knows, & we assume it’s all we can hope for.

Most ACoAs then project our parents’ toxic way of treating us onto others. Therefore everyone else in the world is also untrustworthy & cruel – so we’d rather do without, thank you very much! At its most severe, some ACoAs suffer from Adult Attachment Disorder 

DAMAGE: There are good, kind people somewhere in the world, but may be blind to them. They may in fact be right behind us but we’re not using our rear-view mirror. Or if we do stumble across one, we push them away because we’re sure they’d never want to be with us  anyway!
Most of us gravitate to those who will prove our negative beliefs (Toxic Rules), as a way to rationalize our rage & rebellion.
Once in a while an ACoA will actually marry a kind, loving person – good for us! – without really understanding what they see in us.

HEALTH – We need to be able to:Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.57.49 PM
• choose people whose plusses outweigh their damage
• evaluate others realistically – to acknowledge their plusses & minuses
• stop projecting our parent’s flaws on to everyone & everything
• tolerate healthy people’s imperfections
• OWN our own damage, so when someone pushes our buttons – we can take responsibility for our reactions & not make our hurt someone else’s fault!

LOVE HEALS. Not just the exciting, sexually charged love of a mate, but everyday kindnesses, whether from a pet, the store clerk, a passing stranger, a good friend or the daily protection of our H.P.

NEXT: Abandonment #4a

ACoAs – ABANDONING OTHERS (Part 4a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

 Screen Shot 2015-06-16 at 6.53.22 PM

I FEEL SO BETRAYED —
they’re not who I thought they were!

PREVIOUS: How ACoAs abandon others (3b)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


REVIEW – Idealizing inevitably:
• sets up the idealized person or event to fail, because no one / no situation can fulfill our unrealistic expectations to be perfect, to make up for all our losses, to be all the things our WIC never got at home & which are still missing in our life.
• This guarantees that we’ll be disappointed, sooner or later.
Basically we’re asking them to rescue us. It’s a way of using others. We ask too much of a person or situation, which nothing can possibly live up to, even if it’s healthy!

7. UNDER-VALUING
This topic is about how we diminish others.  All ACoAs in this category are very angry, some express it by being passive-aggressive, by perpetual crankiness, or by endless whining. 
When we feel let down by our fantasy of a person – (boss, teacher, lover, friend…), or situation (marriage, job, home, party, holiday…), we flip to the opposite extreme.
This defense often kicks in with someone/ thing new, but not exclusively. It’s about wanting to be taken care of instead of taking care of ourselves – while not having to ask!

HARSH reactions to over-valuing (idealizing ⬆️) as a ‘life-style’ – finding fault (F.F.) with every situation we don’t like, all the time.
a. Endless complaining (F.F.) can be a sure sign of narcissism (N), & comes from our needy WIC or PP, since we manage to make everything about us – somehow. Keep in mind that all wounded people have some N. in varying degrees, so do not use it for more S-H. Instead. Work on healing it

Constant complaining is part of the Victim Role, taking everything personally, assuming anything we don’t like is the ‘universe’ being against US. We ignore that there are many other reasons for things being as they are, so we discount other possibilities.

We’re always judging the ‘other’ as bad, because:
• everyone & everything always lets us down, causes us trouble, is never there for us the way we want – so f-them!
• it doesn’t fit some rigid notions of correctness from our PP, even though the original parents never lived up to those standards
• we see everyone as exactly like our family, so they must be equally bad, which scares the WIC
EXP: “I can’t stand that / it’s not good enough” means I know better, can do better….
• “They’re so stupid” means I’m superior to all you little people, and if I were doing it / running things, I would handle it much better….
• “How can they do that to me, no one ever listens to me….” means they’re not doing the job I want them to – of being the good parent

b. Projecting our S-H onto the ‘world’. If I hate myself, I’m sure everyone else does too – or will, if I give them a chance! Just like a liar or thief believes everyone else is a liar or thief, even if it’s just in their heart. So ‘I’ll hate all of you first, that way I don’t care if you hate me – I won’t get hurt anymore!’  Better to keep everyone at arm’s length than to be vulnerable.

ACoA IRONY: everything we think & feel is ONLY from our point of view (we assume no one else’s is valid) – other people’s needs don’t count, we don’t consider their limitation & don’t really want them to have boundaries, so we can be symbiotic.Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 5.39.42 PM.png

At the same time, because we’re emotionally starving, our focus is completely outside of ourselves, dependent on ‘people, places & things’ (PPT) as the source of our nourishment & for our sense of identity. They are objects, not beings. If they don’t act the way we want, we feel justified in raging at them.

(POST: People should treat me better, but I won’t let them”).

NEXT: ACoAs abandoning others #4b

ACoAs – ABANDONING OTHERS (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

 

PREVIOUS : ACoAs Abandoning others #3a


QUOTE: “Disrespect also can take the form of idealizing you as a perfect woman or goddess, because he’s only seeing his fantasy, & when you fail to live up to that image he may turn nasty. It’s a failure to respect you as a real human being.” Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft

6. IDEALIZING (cont.)
EFFECT –  In fantasy relationships we (both men & women):
• desperately need others to live up to our ideal. What we’re really doing is using them !
• we’re saying that THIS person is ‘perfect’ (unlike our family), is going to fill our unmet childhood needs, will never disappoint us, will love us unconditionally & never leave!

• we’re completely negating who they are, what they need or want, by laying on them a preconceived role created by our Wounded Inner Child, thus abandoning them.
What a terrible, impossible burden to put on someone. Maybe you’ve been the object of such an idealization – how did it feel? How did it end?

IDEALIZING re-enforces our self-hate, because:addicted to another
a. we can never do the impossible, such as —
* fix someone else (so they can be there for us)
* resolve our family issues thru another person
* manipulate someone into genuinely loving us

b. AND because:
* we know at some level that we’re hurting others
* we get rejected, attacked, misunderstood
* it never deals with the source of our pain & loneliness, so we can’t grow, recover or gain peace of mind
✶ we never have the joy of interacting with others as equals – adult to adult (have a healthy peer relationship with a variety of people)

FANTASY may feel good, but actually it keeps us suspended in a false universe which always backfires!

HEALTHY
✶ Every time you interact with someone, evaluate what you’ve learned about them – in reality. What did they tell you about themselves?
✶ Take it slow with any new relationship. WAIT to form a definitive opinion about someone. It takes time to get to know people. GO SLOW!
✶ Use any suitable Recovery process – work at healing your original abandonment pain & greatly reduce self-hate
✶ Write all your observations about them, plusses & minuses. This is NOT about taking someone’s inventory – which is a form of being judgmental. This is a way to prevent idealizing others, by being realistic about them & honest with ourselves.

NOTES
When you notice yourself idealizing someone, you can be sure there will come a time when you’ll want to turn against them & tear them down – if only in thoughts & emotions.

This is the B & W swing from idealism to devaluation (see Parts 4a/b), because something they did or said made your WIC’s fantasy program crash. If you desperately need to hang on to your illusion, you’ll have to dump this person (discard) & find the next one to ‘elevate’. CHART from “Thrive After Abuse“

General HEALTH
Re. US
• Accept that we don’t have to be there for anyone, at all, but especially if or when we can’t
• We can keep working on our own damage, connect with our hidden pain & learn new ways to express it safely & appropriately
• We can learn that feeling our emotions will not kill us, but rather frees us to heal & grow, & the same is true for everyone else who wants to
Re. OTHERS
• Accept that we can’t fix other people’s mental or emotional distress, but we can be available to support them on their journey (see ‘Healthy Helping’)
• We can be more honest & respectful, to ourselves & others, when something is too much for us.
It’s much more appropriate to say: “I really can’t hear about this now/ any more..” / “This is too painful for me to listen to” / ‘I’m sorry, I can’t help you with this’…

• IF we set a gentle but firm boundary, & someone gets very upset with us / acts devastated / becomes enraged —> that’s a clear indication they want to be taken care of, & WE cannot do that!
NO judgement, no abuse, no dishonesty.

➼ THE GOAL is to take care of ourselves, first – other adults second, & ONLY within appropriate limits!  The more we do that, the less harm we do, to self & others.

NEXT: Abandoning others #4a

ACoAs – ABANDONING OTHERS (Part 3a)

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YOU’RE THE BEST!
Even if I have to make you up

PREVIOUS: ACoAs abandoning OTHERS (3b)


See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

6. IDEALIZING
DEF:
• Another dysfunctional way to cope with the painful fact that our parents were not safe (nurturing, emotionally honest, mentally clear…)
• A way to survive back then. Some part of our child-mind had to make them perfect, without flaws – to deny how angry & scared we were at them, & still are
• A form of splitting off the good parts of ourselves & the bad parts of them – an overt or covert toxic agreement in childhood, with the family, that we were the bad ones & they the good ones.

All small children idealize their parents, which helps them feel safe. If they grow up in a healthy family this safety allows them to cope with reality, gradually able see the adults more realistically, with both weakness & strengths.

But for us – from the very beginning our parents disappointed us when we most needed them to be our ‘gods’ so we’d feel protected. Not only did they not help us deal with the outside world, but were the ‘enemy within’.  (➡️ IMAGE from “See Mom for who she is, not who you want her to be”

To compensate now, some ACoAs idealize others, even strangers, as a way to shut out the WIC’s earliest terror still lurking in the bushes of our unconscious, BY:
a. Putting anyone – who we feel is important – on a pedestal (parent, teacher, lover, friend, boss…), not able or willing to acknowledge their real personality, including human limitations & damage (character defects) – UNTIL that person does something that pushes a big button in us, & then we feel rage at them. The illusion we created is shattered & we can’t tolerate it. So we punish them &/or cut them off.

EXP: Carol started a new class & was immediately in awe of the professor.  She began staying after class, asking all sorts of questions, unconsciously flirting a little. The teacher became less & less responsive or available.  Carol kept trying to hold his attention, but finally felt the rejection, became very angry & stormed off, telling everyone else what a jerk he was.

b. VARIATION: Making a new lover the “Answer to all my prayers!” Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.51.05 PMBelieving ‘This is the one!” OR immediately making a new friend into a BFF, without taking the time to find out :
• are they actually who they seem to be?
• who this person really is (character & type)

• how you’ll feel about them, in a year or less
• what personal problems they may have
• how their ‘issues’ are going to affect you
• how will your issues impact them?
• AND, if we’re fundamentally compatible!

➼ To know that, we need to have a clear sense of ourselves, good boundaries, reasonable self-esteem, not too much anxiety about abandonment, tolerate imperfections & have the ability to ‘go slow’. PHEUW!
BTW, we may find someone willing to play out the fantasy with us (some for a while, some much longer), because they too need to be symbiotic, feel needed, overly-important…anything to not focus on themselves & their issues. This does not diminish our responsibility for playing our emotional games.

CAUSE:
• This kind of ‘jumping into’… comes from an intense need of the WIC to symbiotically attach, to fill the emptiness left by inadequate mothering in early life.
The human person we now choose to idealize will:Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.51.46 PM
— EITHER be someone who is similar in damage to our own family – the hope being that this time we can fix them & so get their love & approval, even if we can’t get it from our family.
We only end up (unconsciously) playing out our abandonment / victim role – since we can’t fix others or con them into loving us

— OR someone who is or seems to be completely the opposite of family – stable, competent, smart, nice….so we can finally be taken care of!  Even if they do, for a while, we pay too high a price – being controlled & staying immature.
But usually such people are too healthy to rescue us at all, so we get disappointed again, but not as much.

• Either way we’re trying to get from others today what we couldn’t get originally, but no one can’t make up for our losses! We need to heal from the inside.

NEXT: ACoAs abandoning others (3b)

ACoAs – ABANDONING OTHERS (Part 2b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

 

THAT’S NO WAY TO FEEL!
You’re too much for me.  I don’t want to hear it.

PREVIOUS: Abandoning Others (2a)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

5. REPRESSING Others’ EMOTIONS (cont.)
d. Insensitivity —> have INappropriate responses when hearing any expression of emotional distress (“I’m really upset / scared /worried…”), such as:
• come up with thoughtless, unfeeling, unsolicited or unnecessary ‘solutions’ (the most common mistake!)
• ignore it completely, or blatantly change the subject
• stop calling or visiting – just disappear for a while without explanation

In this case the ACoA is trying to stop someone’s emotional discomfort with a ‘practical fix’, so we don’t have to deal with ‘messy’ emotions – theirs & ours! BY:
• giving them a ‘chin up’ lecture, telling them it’s not all that bad (when it is)
• trying to take their mind off of the hurt (may be helpful – sometimes, with some, but not recommended as a first option)
• promising that something good will ‘come out of this / it’ll Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 5.57.54 PMturn out OK’ – which we can’t possibly know or deliver

• say ‘It’s OK’, when nothing is changing in reality (like a parent or spouse’s drinking / drug use)
• minimizing the extent of their pain, by NOT believing the depth of their suffering with comments like:  “It can’t be that bad?!” / “You’re just being dramatic”
OR
• pretending the sufferer has NO responsibility for the pain they’re currently in as an adult (like, marrying yet another addict / not dealing with a health problem until it’s too late / getting fired from yet another job…), just to make them feel ‘better’

• giving unsolicited ‘helpful’ suggestions which have nothing to do with the issue at hand OR not the point of the pain
EXP: After surviving the devastation of her apartment burning down, which destroyed everything including her 2 cats & 2000 books — a woman heard various insensitive things like :
• “You should be grateful. At least you weren’t killed!” • “So, what did you learn?” • “So, just get another cat?!” • &, some just laughed!
ARGHHH @**!!! %@%

CAUSES of REPRESSING
Re. US: clearly, these are similar to ways we were abandoned by our various caretakers – Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 5.55.53 PM& not just by our parent. Also by teachers, baby sitters, religious leaders, other relatives….
• Emotions were either not tolerated at all, or ONLY certain one were acceptable – usually ‘pleasant’ ones (see Toxic Rules)
Re. our Family:
• we were taught to ‘take care of others’ at home, because they couldn’t or wouldn’t be responsible themselves or us, so now we’re just following the script. It has become our identity. (‘Rescuing’)

• we saw how incompetent our parents were in many ways, & how un-able they were to deal with THEIR emotions – so we project that incompetence & inability onto everyone else in our life, without even realizing it!

• we could NEVER fix our family, stop their pain, make them whole – SO we compulsively try to do that with others in the present, desperately trying to quiet our fear & guilt
• we think we have to protect & fix everyone, or they too will fall apart, like our family.  But we’re only trying to keep OUR world from falling apart!Screen Shot 2016-06-04 at 9.27.20 PM

➼ We deeply believe that if we allow ourselves or others to FEEL too much, that we (& they) will go crazy or die! This comes from our early experiences & is now firmly embedded in our Wounded Inner Child (WIC).

However, the real issue is that we never learned how to ‘house’ & process pain, nor do we know how to comfort ourselves. Feeling all our emotions can be painful but not dangerous. Suppressing them is!
See 2 POSTs: “Accessing & Accepting Emotions“

EFFECT
Re. US  • we stay stuck in the past, can’t express our True Self or gain serenity
• we lose out on the knowledge, connections & love that comes from treating people as equals, rather than as being one-down to us
• we perpetuate & increase our own abandonment – because others Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 5.53.59 PMwill become angry, resentful, abusive or just avoid us
Re. OTHERS
• without realizing it, we’re being arrogant, presumptuous, narcissistic
• think we’re mind-readers, have magical powers, can do the impossible (this is typical ACoA grandiosity)
• we’re mistreat others, encouraging symbiosis & dependency, negating their rights, adding to their abandonment experiences

NEXT: Abandoning others #3a