alcoholism

ACoAs – OVER-Trusting (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS : Over-Trust #1

QUOTES:
“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” ~William Shakespeare
“You may be deceived if you trust too much…. ” ~Frank Crane

 

AS ADULTS : OVER-Trusting (OT) (cont)

We are TOO EASY when we:
MENTAL
• believe someone who tells us we’re crazy, wrong, stupid…. we ‘trust’ they know more about us that we do
• believe each new promise made by someone who has repeatedly disappointed us – trusting they’ll come thru — this time

• let someone cajole or badger us into telling too much about ourselves – too soon… we trust they won’t use it against us or for their own gain!
• are willing to believe anything an authority tells us, without question or checking with our gut — we trust they have our best interest at heart & that they know ‘everything’high road halo

EMOTIONAL
• are so happy that someone who used to ignore or dislike us suddenly is friendly, now that we have some money, fame, a good-looking partner, a big job….. we trust that their motives re pure & it’s us they really like!

• go to someone we DO now is immature & unhealthy to share our emotional upsets – we trust they’ll be supportive & nurturing — this time
• wait for others to give us ‘permission’ to say or do something — we trust they have the right to do so, & know better that us ….

BEHAVIORAL
• “lend” money to someone who has proven to be irresponsible or outright dishonest — we trust that this time they really will pay it back
• keep ‘taking the high road’ with someone who’s mean, selfish & disrespectful – we trust that our goodness will somehow soften them!

barbed-wireThis is a particularly dangerous illusion (not to mention arrogant & childish)  because:
🐾 persistently abusive people are hardened in their narcissistic shell, which makes it unlikely they’ll ever improve how they treat us
⚡️ the longer we stay around them the more their barbed-wire protection will tear away at our soul

ACoAs unconsciously assume that if we ignore the characteristics in others we don’t like or that hurt us, it won’t have any effect. Some of us – even in Recovery – say they wish they could stay unaware of how toxic their family & friends are, because then it wouldn’t hurt.
That’s like saying that eating rotten food would NOT be harmful to our body – just because we’re so hungry that any food is better than none.

Some part of us knows this is ridiculous, but the WIC doesn’t want to face more unpleasantness. All the while we become further debilitated by sticking around for more poison that certain people automatically dish out. It does not matter if it’s deliberate or not. Barbed wire is barbed wire! Protect yourself.

WHY DO WE OVER-TRUST? (over & under types overlap)
a. FoA (fear of abandonment)
We want to be & stay connected – at all costs. If we admit what we know  -this person isn’t trustworthy – we’d have to back way off or detach altogether, which we are terrified of

Instead, we overlook:
• being blatantly & repeatedly mistreated
• early or indirect hints people tell us about themselves, about being addicts, angry, cheap, insensitive, lazy, suicidal,  …..

• available info about unsafe people given to us by many other sources (friends, co-workers, even family) ….
EXP: Consider how each new woman who gets involved with Charlie Sheen ignores all the public exposure available about his abuse toward her predecessors, & then eventually gets battered!

b. Self-hate 
The ever-ps-H/can'tresent ‘monster’ driving our obsession to have everyone like us / never think badly of us / never be angry with us, so :
• we assume everyone but us is OK, healthy, sane, reasonable – even those who continually mistreat us.

• Since we don’t trust our thinking, we defer to others, believe what they tell us, assume they must know what they’re talking about – just like we had to believe our parents, no matter how limited, twisted or inaccurate their communications were.

NEXT: Over-trusting #3

ACoAs – OVER-Trusting (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

being conned THE WORLD IS ONLY SAFE –  if I pretend to not notice the bad stuff!

PREVIOUS: Trusting #2

SITE: 10 Warning Signs of being too trusting

QUOTE: “Never trust anyone completely but God.” ~ Lawrence Welk

OVER-Trusting  (OT) – as ADULTS
DEF: Ignoring information you already know about a person or situation (or a potential one you’ve been told about) that screams:  “I’m NOT safe. I’ll get you as often as I can. Don’t trust me” AND that everyone else – except you – can see!

📌 A therapist suggested to a client why she needed to be more discerning & less trusting:  “Some people you don’t let in the bedroom, some people you don’t let into the living room, & some you don’t let in the front door!”

🔷 WRONG reasons for trusting:
• Impulsiveness : chasing something or someone the WIC very badly wants, putting all our inappropriate hope & trust in how it will turn out (the way we ne-e-ed it to), without admitting what we know, & not considering the consequences – including thinking through possible danger to ourself or others

• Masochism : We tend to search out confirmation of prior expectations. ACoAs expect abandonment.
For abuse survivors with little or no Recovery – reinforcing the pain of unjustified hope & unfulfilled trust (PMES abandonment) is often chosen over safety & pleasure.
We repeatedly trust the wrong people, guaranteeing disappointment, by fulfilling our self-destructing assumption – that there are no positive outcomes for us.

• Risk-taking : Being desperate, or as an adrenaline junkie, we pursuimpulsivee a situation or person even knowing that the danger of going ahead is great (re. love, money sports….).
If we subjectively think the possible gains far outweigh any possible loss (coming from the WIC), we’re willing to take the gamble, sometimes even with our life.

All of us ACoAs experienced years of trauma in childhood – at home, at school & in our neighborhoods.  We were deeply scarred by those experiences, but each of us handled it in our own way, depending on our basic personality AND our Toxic Family Roles.abuse / fantasy
Those wounds were beyond anything we could bear, so we developed our own defensive posture:
• some have become overtly tough, angry, bitter
• others hide away from everyone
• some try to rescue & fix others to feel safe
• others escaped into a world of fantasy & have stayed lost, needing to see everyone thru rose-colored glasses!

THIS last defense mechanism is a thick blanket of vagueness to soothe the ache in our heart, BUT it makes us endlessly vulnerable to emotional, mental & physical vultures who can smell our ‘out-to-lunchness’ a mile away!

ACoA IRONY : Regardless of which protective style we act out, we’re trapped in another dilemma. Trying to mask how afraid we really are of everyone underneath, some of us carelessly trust everyone, especially the most damaging people! It’s so automatic we don’t even realize we’re being too credulous because we need it as a safety blanket, & because it’s passive.

EXP: Josie hears a new acquaintance say she has trouble with friendships – they usually end in serious disagreements. Josie is starving for companionship & overlooks this vital information. Unconsciously her WIC is thinking: “She wouldn’t do that to little ole’ meeee – I’d never hurt her or make her feel bad, I care too much, I’m so sweet…..”

Yet, sure enough, at some point Josie says or does the ‘wrong thing’ & the friend gets mad at her – attacking, accusing, withdrawing ….. Josie is shocked, then hurt, confused & of course blames herself for the problem (as if this outcome wasn’t totally predictable!)

We excuse our blindness by saying:blind-see
• I’m just trying to be a good person, I’ll give them another chance
• it’s wrong to judge others, & besides – they’re trying
• ‘they’ don’t mean to hurt me / can’t help how they are
• you don’t know their ‘good’ side, their good qualities
• …but they say they love me, give me money, ne-e-ed me
• I can’t make it without them
• & it’s my fault anyway, I deserve how they treat me  …

NEXT: Over-Trusting (Part 2)

ACoAs: Lack of TRUST (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

unsafe parentSEE, I TOLD YOU –
nobody’s safe!

PREVIOUS: Lack of Trust (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


🕛 LIFE STAGES
🕕 DEF. of Legitimate Trust

 🕕 CAUSES of ACoA DISTRUST
PHYSICAL
• growing up in a neglectful, unpredictable &/or volatile family
• constantly subjected to undeserved bullying & victimization, by individuals & institutions
• death or loss of one or more loved-ones

EMOTIONAL
• emotional, physical &/or sexual abuse at the hands of our caretakers
• being chronically put down for the way we felt or for what we believed
• hostile relationship between parents, with siblings & with step-parents

RELATIONAL
• parental infidelity, bitter divorce or loss of another long-term relationship
• our own painful relationships, being belittled, misunderstood, abused or ignored
• being cheated on / betrayed – sexually, emotionally, financially
• our confidential information betrayed by a trusted friend, relative, spouse or professional …..

SOME RESULTS
• we get so caught up in unresolved grief that we can’t open ourselves up to others, terrified we’ll be left alone again, as if we’re still living in that household & still 5 years old!

• because of S-H, we can’t believe that we deserve attention, or anyone’s care & concern for us, so have a problem trusting even the positive, healthy & consistent behavior of someone who is sincere

🕕 ACoA thoughts / beliefs about NOT Trusting
Re. OTHERS
• there’s no such thing as a healthy relationship
OR – I wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it fell on me!
• marriage is a prison sentence – I’ll be trapped & used
• I can’t seem to find any good friends or good partners – so why bother looking?

• as soon as you let yourself care about someone – they leave you!
• I’m never letting anyone ever get close enough to me again so I won’t be vulnerable anymore
• people don’t really improve or change, & any ‘reforming’ is temporary or just fake (like an alcoholic getting sober).
No matter what they say, it’s all manipulation to get their way.  If I let myself believe & relax my defenses, I’ll be devastated when they go back to their old ways

Re. OURSELVESunsafe world
The only way to survive & protect myself is to avoiding people as much as possible, because:
• I’ve been hurt so much & by so many in the past
• all men / all women are dishonest
• everyone’s out to get the most they can (from me)
• no one respects me
• if I let my guard down someone will step on me OR all hell will break loose
• if I open myself up people will use that info against me…. so how can I trust anyone?

 ♦️LACK OF TRUST can CAUSE:
• Arguments with others, because of intruding on their privacy, about what we think are their ‘suspicious’ activities, their lack of openness – often leading to retaliation from them
• Anxiety in us, especially when we don’t know where a loved-one is & we’re convinced they’re not being honest

• Deception by a partner or child who’s being controlled & boundary invaded. They may sneak around, either to do the bad things they’re accused of OR just to get some privacy & peace of mind
• Fear of reprisals, from ourselves for our accusations (guilt, shame, S-H), & AT them for not being what we want (trying not to punish them)

• Fear of risk, because we never got the mirroring, support & feedback to make scary changes, AND which we can’t receive in the present if we don’t trust anyone
• Low self-esteem in others, which we ‘encourage’ by constantly investigating them, questioning, following (suspicion is the opposite of acceptance)
• Miscommunication, or lack of communication, because we’re afraid to let others know what we really need, want or feel

MOVIE: “All This & Heaven Too”, 1940, staring Bette Davis. An excellent portrayal of a disturbed personality – the Count’s wife, played by Barbara O’Neil – is a needy, barbara-oneilnarcissistic, desperately clingy & demanding shrew.

She has a deep fear of abandonment, is constantly suspicious of her husband, & rejects her children because they interfere with having him all to herself. This drives the children away from her & the Count into the arms the loving nanny – the very thing that makes her even more distrustful & enraged – leading to tragedy.

NEXT: ACoAs – OVER-Trusting (#1)

ACoAs: Lack of TRUST (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

con man
WHO CAN I DEPEND ON?
for sure NOT my family!

PREVIOUS:
 Early Trust Betrayal

REVIEW post: ‘Parents Blaming us’

 

LIFE STAGES:  Erik Erikson, a German psychoanalyst heavily influenced by Freud, developed a psycho-social theory of personality development, which included the impact of external factors (parents & society) ON our:
• ego identity (the self)
• personal identity (what distinguishes one person from another)
• social/cultural identity (social roles we might play)

Erikson’s theory says every person must pass through a series of inter-related stages over the entire life cycle —>   AGES:
1. Infant   (Hope) – Basic Trust vs. Mistrust 
Birth to 18 mths
2. Toddler  (Will)    – Autonomy vs. Shame
18 mths to 3 yrs (MORE….)

IN Infancy (Stage 1) the main emphasis is on parental ability to nurture & care for the child, especially using visual contact & touch, so that :
• in a safe environment the child will develop confidence, optimism, security & trust
• in an unsafe home, they’ll develop insecurity, worthlessness & general mistrust of the world

In an episode of LIE TO ME, (TV series, Fall 2010), Dr. Lightman says:
“The way to make a disturbed personality is: Constant Criticism & Lack of Affection – it works every time” !

DEF. of Legitimate Trust
Re. OURSELVES 
• be able to rely on our own observations, judgement & intuition
• when exposing vulnerabilities to someone, assume they won’t take advantage of or abuse our openness, but know we can’t control their reactions
• have confidence placed in us by someone else, & accepting the obligation that entails
Re. OTHERS
• identify how someone is going to act (predictably good or bad) & gauge our probable losses & gains. It’s based on what we already know about them, using their past performance as a guide
• have a firm belief in the integrity, ability or character of a person or thing, from our own experience, or based on accepting the opinion of a highly reliable source
• Hope: to be able to rely on something or someone in the future / to expect a specific outcome with assurance

NOTE
• The Healthy Adult ego state knows no one can be perfectly dependable, & that the wish for it isn’t possible – so we wouldn’t expect it.
Secretly demanding others to be absolutely 100% ‘safe’ (before we can trust) is UNrealistic,  which makes us vulnerable to always getting disappointed, leaving us in the same old place – convinced that ‘no one’ is trustworthy

• There are legitimate reasons to not trust certain kinds of people – especially the not-so-obvious narcissists! – which we definitely need to acknowledge, & then stay away from.
Past experiences with them should not be ignored, especially as we become sure of our ‘evidence’.

EXERCISE : Keep a log for a month (or as long as needed) of each time you feel unsafe with someone, & see what patterns show up. Then take a small, definite action to change the situation or your part in the relationship

unsafeMISUNDERSTOOD
ACoAs often say : ‘I can’t trust anyone’ –  the focus being on people outside of ourself. This is B & W thinking & not totally accurate. Although it[s true that our parents were not safe, most of us do have/ or have had a few people throughout our life who have proven themselves trustworthy (even if not perfectly!).
❇️ Instead – trusting needs to be focused internally – on our own intelligence.

MAIN reasons we say this ⬆️ – is that unhealed ACoAs :
a. haven’t learned to trust our own observations, experience, & intuition!
b. keep picking & staying with toxic people, & keep getting burned. Strange that we’re surprised each time!
c. want / expect / demand the assurance that whatever or whoever we put our trust in will never ever let us down, disappoint, abandon or hurt us!

This demand is:
• B & W ‘all or nothing’ thinking (a CD) – typical of children & thdemanginge emotional immature
• the position of the WIC, who wants everyone to be the good parent we never had, so we don’t have to grow up & take care of ourselves
• an expression of co-dependence – being focused on others, outside of ourselves, instead of internally listening to what we know to be true

NEXT: ACoA Lack of Trust (Part 2)

ACoAs: Early Trust Betrayal (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

angry father WHO CAN I DEPEND ON?
for sure NOT my family!

PREVIOUS: Adult Play #2

QUOTE: “To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the betrayer….. Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience.”


😥 BETRAYAL TRAUMA 😲
This is when the people or institutions you depend on for survival significantly violate your trust or well-being
EXP: physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver
Q: Does the victim need to be conscious of the betrayal to call it “betrayal trauma”?
ANS: “No.” Being mistreated is by definition betrayal, whether the child recognizes it explicitly or not.
While conscious awareness of it may be suppressed at the time of trauma & for as long as the victim is dependent on the perpetrator, strong feelings of betrayal will eventually surface.

✍️ THEORY
Traumatic events differ in degree of fear & betrayal, depending on context & characteristics of an event.
EXP : People with a history of childhood sexual abuse – which result in PTSD & dissociative symptoms – much more often reported feeling betrayed than feeling great fear.  Many other studies have found that betrayal is a psychologically toxic dimension of events.

😴  BETRAYAL BLINDNESS 😵
“Betrayal blindness is the un-awareness, not-knowing, & forgetting about painful experiences, & may extend to betrayals not traditionally considered “traumas,” such as gossip, inequities in the workplace & society….
• Victims, perpetrators & witnesses may have betrayal blindness to preserve relationships, institutions or social systems they depend on…..

In Childhood
• Children automatically trust their parents (caregivers) – they don’t have a choice. But that trust can be destroyed early & easily if their family & community is unreliable, non-nurturing & dangerous. The earlier the trust-betrayal, the more long-term damage is done, since small children can’t understand & process such disappointment

• Kids don’t want the instability & cruelty of their home to be true, so they can’t afford to consciously admit their suffering is being caused by the unloving adults they depend on. If they did it, would make life even more unbearable, so they do whatever they can to deny painful experiences (blame themselves, fit into roles, people-please, rescue…..)

• Years of emotional pain & abusive treatment lead children to make definite & lasting negative decisions about themself & the whole world, based on very real events. These twisted conclusions & assumptions form self-hate, cynicism, bitterness & hopelessness.

That pain is then mirrored & added to by rigid unhealthy ‘laws’ of other dysfunctional groups such as school, church, neighborhood, the combination becoming the basis for all future interactions.  Toxic beliefs get ‘written in stone’ , very hard to change as long as they stay out of awareness

♻️ Besides internal reasons for ‘not-knowing’, there may be external reasons for not-knowing & silence. Common demands for silence come from a perpetrator & others (family & society’s flying monkeys), to the point of never having the ‘event’ mentioned – much less acknowledged. More….)

Experiences that have never been shared with anyone else may create a 
different internal structure than shared experiences”
BTW: Al-anon slogan “You’re only as sick as you secrets”

disappointed

🙇🏻‍♂️ BETRAYAL ways
a. Programing : We were taught to not trust our own observations, opinions, emotions & conclusions.
We were:
• told “you don’t feel that way /  that’s not how it is / I don’t know why you think that / Oh, nothing (is going on)” ….. OR

• not given important information about what was really happening in the family, leaving us with an uncomfortable feeling of insecurity, wondering what’s wrong, making up scenarios & blaming ourselves

• expected to go along with the program, no matter how harmful to our mental & emotional health, did not fit our native personality, nor how little it allowed us to explore options & possibilities in the world, or find out what our true purpose is

EXP: “The Judds” was a reality show on the OWN tv channel (2011).
Mother Naomi slowly spilled all the ugly family secrets she’s been protecting for the past 60 yrs – murder, incest, suicide, neglect…. Daughter Wynona finally has an understanding of the problems between the two, & came to have compassion for & a new trust in her mother.

NEXT : Trust Betrayal, Part 2

ADULT Play – Benefits (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

family benefits
PREVIOUS: Adult Play (Part 1)

SITE: “The Power of Play” (long article)

QUOTE: “We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing”  – George Bernard Shaw

 

BENEFITS  of PLAY  (cont)
1. MENTAL //  2. PHYSICAL (Part 1)

3. EMOTIONAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL /SOCIAL Benefits
a. Reduces Struggle, Conflict & Worry – Because play includes using ones imagination & ability to fantasize, it acts as an antidote to violent tendencies, & so is a powerful catalyst for positive socialization.
Play provides us with an opportunity to choose alternatives to struggle, conflict & worry – that are healthier, more positive, promoting a sense of belonging & connection to other people.

• Alice Miller points out that people neglected & abused in childhood were often deprived of developing an inner fantasy life – missing the ability to process rage & frustration in their internal world. They become lost in fear, anger & obsessive worry, making them more likely to become violent toward others, even to the point of murder

b. Mutual play heals emotional wounds  Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 11.44.59 PM
Vigorous play triggers endorphins that lift spirits & provide distractions from pain, fear, stress…
When done with others, whether friends or strangers, it helps us connect in delightful & meaningful ways that minimize loneliness

• Regular play can also heal hurt feelings, anger & disagreements. Studies show that emotionally insecure people slowly replace negative beliefs & actions with positive ones by living with a secure partner.
Emotionally safe relationships heal, & create emotional resilience

c. Provides ‘role relief’ – This is not about the ACoA Toxic Roles but rather the normal set of roles adults take on, such as worker, boss, spouse, parent, sibling, adult-child….
Play allows us to guard against ‘role fatigue’ (burnout).  Taking the time to balance between roles helps to foster self-expression by using different parts of our personality, & makes room to practice new kinds of activities. Getting stuck in one role, such as ‘mom’ or ‘worker’ can reduce spontaneity & aliveness

d. Gives Opportunities to Take Risks  Successful, happy people know the difference between safe & unsafe risk, and take healthy risks in small doses. We can choose to risk something important to achieve a goal of benefit.

We also need to manage incoming risk as an essential part of a full, healthy life. PLAY lets us experiment, explore & take risks with ideas & activities without worrying about consequences that could happen in “real life,” & teaches us that our fear-based ideas are not always true.

e. Brings joy into our life – A basic reasons for playing is simply the sheer joy of it, a happy state of being. So playing as often as possible can preserve & nourish our own hearts & that of our community. It creates laughter, & a feeling of inner peace, encouraging emotional resiliency

4. SPIRITUAL  
❖ Sense of Lightness – Keep in mind we’re made up of Physical, Mental, Emotional & Spiritual (PMES) components.play is spiritual
The spiritual benefits of play are not easy to verbalize, since people have different meanings for this aspect of life.  But it’s a very important part of our personal well-being, & our right to develop a healthy Self.

In childhood we start to give meaning to our life through story-making & playing out various possible scenarios. As adults the ability to play & be active in things that suit our True Self – strongly promote a sound lifestyle

• Being absorbed in fun activities & caught up in the moment —> eliminates self-consciousness. Infused with pleasure, we delight in the sheer “lightness of being”, stimulating creativity.
Spiritual benefits can mean we : love being alive, have a positive attitude, being the best we can, having a deeper understanding of the world & its possibilities
Spiritual benefits include: refreshing & recharging, restoring optimism, changing perspective, renewing our ability to do the work of the world

environment play❖ Enhances our Humanity – Play can have value on a broad scale – an important expression of our humanity, both imitating & advancing our progress.
Play appears to allow the brain to exercise its flexibility = maintaining & renewing neural connections that embody the human potential to adapt, & meet many environmental conditions.

❖ Preserves the physical world – Recreation & leisure can protect the environment, as it gives us a reason to keep our surroundings clean and beautiful, which promotes a healthier planet.

NEXT: Early Trust Betrayal (Part 1)

ADULT Play – Benefits (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

beach funPREVIOUS: Adults – the NEED for Play

BOOK: “Play: How it Shapes the Brain,  Brown, S. (2009)

QUOTE: “It is utterly false & cruelly arbitrary to put all the play and learning into childhood, all the work into middle age, and all the regrets into old age. ~ Margaret Mead

BENEFITS 
Playing is not only as an activity but also a state of mind which makes life enjoyable, whether we’re participating or just watching. It’s a form of release which allows us to connect with our Healthy Inner Child & the HIC of others.
Shortages of the following benefits of Play predict possible health problems & emotional fragility

1. MENTAL
“I see Play as a way for women & men to establish mental balance, & embrace a healthy form of comfort” ˜∼ Jennifer Louden, Women’s Lifestyle expert
PLAY :
a. is a doorway to learning – a hands-on, minds-on learning process. The components of play are the same as those of learning :
– curiosity, discovery, games, novelty, pretense, risk-taking, social etiquette, trial and error, & other increasingly complex adaptive activities
play & learn
Play makes it fun to learn  perseverance – the rewards for mastering a new game shows us that it’s worth sticking to something – a necessary trait for healthy adulthood.
>> Perseverance & violence are rarely found together

b. inspires us to Think Differently – Walt Disney was dedicated to play, & his willingness to buck conventional wisdom changed the world of entertainment. He didn’t let criticism get in the way of his child-like imagination.

An Apple Computers ad: “Here’s To The Crazy Ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules & have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world – are the ones who DO !”

We’re always creating our experiences in life, so why not have some fun & develop a thirst for curiosity, like Leonardo DaVinci. The renewed sense of imagination could be endless!

c. Reduces Risk of Alzheimer’s & Dementia – according to various studies – challenging your mind with mentally stimulating leisure activities is great for your brain’s health (board games, cards, crossword puzzles, reading, playing musical instruments, writing, slow walking….)senior fun

Apparently these activities trigger chemical stimulation, resulting in an increased ability to learn, & possibly the ability to deal with or compensate for physical changes linked with dementia. (CHART….)

Play takes the mind off stressors, giving the body a chance to restore itself. Seniors who participated in activities they enjoyed, once a week for about 20-years, reduced the risk of dementia by 7% or more.

2. PHYSICAL
❖ Reduces Stress & Enhances Energy Levels – Too much stress increases chemicals such as cortisol & nor-epinephrine, which disrupt the immune system, making us feel edgy, hostile, and can lead to heart disease.
Dr. Blair Justice, Psych professor at Texas U. says: “Playtime is also essential to help adults relieve stress. You don’t have time to make yourself sick”.

• Body Movement is most often associated with PLAY, for children & adults  :
> exercise – releases sugars & fats into the bloodstream, while stimulating endorphins. It’s great for heart health, reduces hypertension & cholesterol, improves neurological & spinal problems, burns off stress-related hormones & improves sleep excercise

> sports – When we jump on or over stuff, play football, dance, run…. we receive the pure pleasure of feeling our bodies move & work. Dr. Stewart Brown defines it as “the spontaneous desire to release ourself from gravity”

> entertainment, which is fun & soothes tensions.  An online survey by RealNetworks, Inc., a ‘casual games’ developer, found: 53% play for stress relief
64% play games as a way to unwind & relax
42% believe game play is a way to keep their mind sharp
75% of responding parents see educational benefits for their kids

Less stress + more play (in the right proportion) increases longevity.

NEXT: Benefits of Play (Part 2)

ADULTs – NEED for Play

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

fun sailing

TAKING THE TIME TO PLAY
is needed by all adults

PREVIOUS: Play Experts (#2)

SITE: “Fun & Importance of Play”

QUOTE: “Surround yourself with people who take their work seriously, but not themselves, who work hard & play hard.”  ~ Gen. C Powell

PLAYING def : “Most importantly, the activity should not have an obvious function in the context in which it is observed – meaning that it has no clear goal.”  Scientific American

Animals and Humans
Jacob L. Moreno 1889-1974), the father of Psychodrama, wanted to be remembered for bringing laughter into psychiatry. He said that happy people tend to play a variety of roles allowing for rest, relief & rejuvenation, which increases spontaneity & creativity.
If “the un-examined life is not worth living” (Socrates), then “the un-lived life is not worth examining!” (Zerka Moreno, psychodramatist)

• Humans become more successful adults when they had the freedom to play as children. “Welcome to Your Child’s Brain…” tells us that play activates our brain’s reward circuitry, but not its negative stress response – so it encourages attention & action (“How does the brain develop?”) , (“This is your child’s brain on Play“)

🔔 Through play we learn to :
Analyze, Evaluate, Hypothesize, form and substantiate Opinions, Question, Predict & Persist through adversity.

• Play is widespread among all non-humans, beyond the familiar cases of mammals & birds, to vertebrates, even invertebrates, from lizards to squid. Play helps all species learn adaptive behaviors that increase their chance of survival, & provides :
> a safe way to release aggressions
> time to learn adult behaviors

INDICATIONS of animal play – IT:
1.  has no immediate survival purpose – voluntary & seems to be done for its own sake (pleasure)
2. resembles a serious behavior, like hunting or escaping, but by young animals, & is awkward, exaggerated or modified
3. is usually seen when an animal is not under stress or doesn’t have something more ‘important’ to do (eating, sleeping or mating)

TRUE STORY, from Stuart Brown, pres. of the Nat. Institute for Play:
In a Northern freezing wasteland of snow & ice, a polar bear stalks a line of sled dogs. The bear picks out the last in the line & begins a predatory stalk towards her.
Onlooking breeders & trappers watch in horror as death slinks towards one of their prized dogs, & no one has a gun to defend her. The doomed dog turns & bows before the bear.

• But this is no bow of submission. She raises her rear high in the air, face smiling, tail wagging in a “play bow.” The bear rears up on hind legs & pauses in slight confusion, then bows down & begins to play with her.
They enjoy a raucous romp in the snow, tumbling, nipping, yelping & chasing, before the bear finally gets exhausted & leaves. The bear comes back every day for two weeks to see the dog AND play!

Play, creativity & flow.  Psychiatrist / author Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined the idea of “flow state” (in the zone), having studied play extensively, searching for things that contribute to a life worth living

He explained that to be in flow, PLAY has to have just the right balance of difficulty & ‘solvabity’. If the game is too hard or too easy it loses its sense of pleasure. All participants, regardless of age or ability, must feel challenged but not overwhelmed

• Having at least one activity we do regularly just for fun is important for our ‘happiness quotient’. When we get really engrossed in an enjoyable activity, it puts our brain in a near-meditative state

It can sharpen many skills, express creativity, help solve big problems, or just blow off steam. Sometimes the best way to learn a complicated subject is to play with it. ALSO – physical play delays mental decline in old age.

FLOW STATE provides:
> Clarity – great inner sharpness & a built-in understanding of things
> Confidence – not feeling anxious or bored, having an built-in sense that the activity is do-able & that your skills are up to the task

> Delight – a sense of bliss & positive detachment from everyday reality
> Involvement – complete focus & concentration, due to innate curiosity or to good skill-training
> Motivation – intrinsic understanding about what needs to be done, & a desire to keep the momentum of play going
> Serenity – sense of peace & absence of worries about oneself
> Timeliness – thorough focus on the present, & lack of attention to the passage of time

NEXT: Adult Play Benefits (Part 1)

PLAY-ing EXPERTS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

wise owl - 2
FUN WISE OWL SAYS:
“Play help us be the best we can be!”

PREVIOUS: PLAY-ing EXPERTS (Part 1)

QUOTE:  If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play. ~ Actor John Cleese

 MORE Play EXPERTS
Piaget (1962) wrote that children learn primarily by doing, & that Play is the main way they take in their surroundings, absorb it into their thinking about the world, & use it as psychic nourishment. It’s what Maria Montessori called the “absorbent mind of the child”: they soak up their environment, and by taking it in, they become it.

Karen Hutchison is a play advocate and expert, teaching at Rowan University, & the U.S. delegate for the International Play Association’s “Right To Play Award” in 2012.
She’s concerned that in recent years Play is under attack. It’s being curtailed in the U.S. by parents trying to protect their kids from harm or over-scheduling their ‘free time’, while schools are cutting recess for economic reasons. Since the 1970s, kids have lost, on average, 9 hours of free playtime a week!
She messy playcommented: “True play is unstructured. It’s messy & it’s child-initiated. Not allowing them to go onto the playground to get scraped knees & even broken arms – is doing more harm, by preventing them from learning what they can or can’t do. Experience is the best teacher. That’s what play is all about.” (MORE….)

Gary Chick, anthropologist at Pennsylvania State U, focused his studies on the non‐Western cross‐cultural validity of the concept of leisure (Article)

Johan Huizinga, the Dutch historian, cultural theorist & professor, wrote in “Playing Man” (1938) that Play is an important component of culture & society. The book lists general RULES:
> Play is free, & is in fact, freedom
> Play is not ‘ordinary’ nor ‘real life’, separate in both location
> Play creates order, absolute & supreme order, demands order
> Play is not connected to material interest, & no profit is gained from it.play circle

Huizinga considered it to be a most basic human function, calling it the ‘magic circle’ of human activity that permeats all cultures from the beginning, expressed in creative language.
“Play is older than culture, for culture always presupposes human society, & animals have not waited for man to teach them their playing.”  One of the most important characteristics of play is that it’s fun.

• He noted that Play “absorbs the participant intensely & utterly…. proceeds within its own proper boundaries of time & space, according to fixed rules, in an orderly manner. Both free & structured play are meant to promote adaptive social behaviors & enjoyment, even though many adults consider the ‘loose’ type (unstructured) a waste of time.
It promotes the formation of social groupings that tend to surround themselves with secrecy & stress the difference from the common world by disguise or other means.”

Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist & one-time student of Freud, felt that access to the unconscious archetypal energies could provide the blueprint for profound change, when allowed to surface (conscious ego).
“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct, acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves….. Without this ‘playing with fantasy’ no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of the imagination is incalculable.”sand play

• An extension of his work is SAND PLAY, originally developed by Margaret Lowenfeld in the 1930’s. It’s a self-directed learning & therapeutic tool that emphasizes nonverbal, symbolic work in sand, similar to dreamwork, believed to tap into very deep levels of consciousness that helps heal and enlighten

Frank Salamone is a prolific anthropologist & writer. His book “Society, Culture, Leisure and Play: An Anthropological Reference” (2000) is a collection of 42 articles about the many facets of leisure, taken from his almost 30 years experience in the field, ranging from adornment to weaving, with considerable depth about music and the other arts.

NEXT: PLAY-ing EXPERTS (Part 3)

PLAY-ing EXPERTS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

clever owlCLEVER WISE OWL SAYS:

“It’s good for us to play

PREVIOUS: Childhood Play – Stages (#2)

ARTICLE: “The Importance of Play”

 

ACoAs: Some of us may still think this topic is frivolous, not to be taken seriously. We seem to be even more afflicted than most people with the ‘Adult Syndrome’ – which is not seeing ‘nearby objects of amusement’, oblivious to the possibilities of joy

In fact, each of us DO have the ability to draw on a happiness & sense of humor that comes from inside. But we’ve been so conditioned to work hard, to suffer & shut up about it! that we can’t imagine ‘letting go’. It makes us uncomfortable, squirming in our seats.
You can’t ask us to just sit around & relax, do nothing, & try to have fun. For some that’s pure sacrilege, for others blatant disobedience

SO – it might helpful to read what some of the many students of Human Nature have to say about Play.

“Free play”, the purest form, is what kids are designed to do – imaginative, independent, self-motivated & unstructured – where children initiate their own games, & even invent their own procedures.

Free play is critical for “becoming socially adept – allowing children to develop competence, exercise self-control, follow rules, form interests, learn to –animal play–> get along with others, make decisions, make friends, regulate their emotions & solve problems” – without being traumatized! WOW.

Research into animal behavior confirms Play’s benefits, establishing its developmental importance : Playing & being playful provide animals & humans with skills that help them survive & reproduce

EXP: According to the AMA, when adults take a vacation from work, even a 4-day weekend, we’re more inventive, productive & healthier (fewer sick days) when we return
> And, a study led by Princeton researcher Alan Krueger found that people are at their happiest when involved in leisure activities

• There are many books, articles & whole organizations focused on PLAY, such as —> The American Journal of Play, The National Institute for Play, the National Museum of Play, the National Toy Hall of Fame, The Strong (educational institution studying play, in upstate NY), the Brian Sutton-Smith Library and Archives of Play, the International Play Association, the International Center for the History of Electronic Games…..

Some EXPERTS
Many of the most prominent researchers in the field of psychology (Freud, Jung, Piaget, W. James, Lev Vygotsky….) considered Play an intrinsic part of being Human, & had strong views on how important it is to child development.Freud
Freud regarded play as the way children accomplish their first great cultural & psychological achievements – noting how well & easily it allows them to express their thoughts & emotions

This is true even for an infant who may ‘only’ be returning its mother’s smile, called Attunement Play. He believed that young children could be unaware of or overwhelmed by their emotions, except by acting them out in play-fantasy.
> Other psychoanalysts noticed how children use play to work through & master quite complicated psychological problems of their experiences, which led to Play Therapy.

Dr. Stuart Brown, psychiatrist, in the late 1960s, was assigned to evaluate Charles Whitman of the U of Texas Tower massacre, & later interviewed 26 convicted Texas murderers for a small pilot study.

He discovered that most of the killers, including Whitman, shared two abuse/no playthings in common : they were from abusive families, and they never played as kids.

Since then he’s talked extensively to almost 6,000 people about their childhood, & again found “that a lack of opportunities for unstructured, imaginative play can keep children from growing into happy, well-adjusted adults.”  At age 76 he’s still hooked on playing. (TED Talk)

Research by Jenkins & Astington, 2000 / Leslie, 1987 / Singer & Singer, 1990 & 2005 – showed that make-believe (Pretend) play is closely related to the “Theory of Mind”. This important concept has to do with an awareness that one’s thoughts may differ from those of other people, and that each of us is capable of a variety of perspectives.

NEXT: Play-ing Experts (#2)