12-step

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth

KNOWING MY RIGHTS
makes it OK to not always be right!

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#5a)

SITE:  “Being right without being rude”

QUOTE: ”The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. ~ Proverbs 12:15

 

Being Right the RIGHT WAY (BRR)
Each of us have a unique DNA, so our brains are wired differently. Along with the differences in our family & social background, how each of us thinks & feels is not like anyone else. Some of us may have similarities, but ultimately we can’t be in anyone else’s skin, nor they ours.
So, healthy BRR is about :
• ownership of knowledge & wisdom, for the benefit of ourself & others
• a responsibility to find our True Self, learn about dysfunction & how the real world works
• standing on our personal wisdom, & defend all our rights, especially in any unhealthy environment.

We can verify “I know what I know – but I can’t know everything!” by using supporting evidence, usually based on positive experiences & education. But sometimes ‘existing knowledge’ can hinder us from opening our mind to possible alternatives & solutions, thus curbing the creative process. So having to be right – all the time – is overrated.

NOTE : We know that brain chemicals are triggered when reacting angrily to strong upsets (scroll to ‘special case’), which make us feel better – temporarily.  If ‘have a fight – feel better’ (aBR) is constantly repeated, it will set up an addictive cycle without dealing with the underlying problems.  CHART

• Instead of aBR – There’s another hormone that allows us to feel just as good as adrenaline, which is oxytocin*.  It’s activated by positive human connection, opening up networks in the executive brain (prefrontal cortex), increasing our ability to think clearly so we can feel safe & be available for positive interactions.
* Studies now show that oxytocin (the ‘love hormone’) interferes with the release of cortisol, a hormones responsible for stress, so it reduces anxiety-raised blood pressure. It makes one feel affectionate, calm, generous, relaxed & trusting. This improves sociability, reducing the feeling of isolation.

HUGS release oxytocin 😍, the chemical that plays a big role in promoting & building lasting relationships, strengthening marriages & reducing conflicts, even respect & connection between strangers. (More…)

• Instead of aBR – gaining Mental Health includes gently detaching from our compulsive need for ‘Right-ness’. This will come from having our many painful experiences validated, knowing our true rights, & learning to identify harmful behavior in others – so we don’t keep trying to convince the unconvinceable.

We don’t always have to push our own agenda or always get our way. Al-Anon asks: ”How important is it?” – in the big scheme of things. Will we remember this incident 10 years from now? Some things are simply not worth the effort – such as being right all the time.
And some people will never agree with us anyway, or even understand our point of view.

Review EXP: Sarah is on a blind lunch-date in a fancy East-side restaurant, where the tables are 2′ apart in a small space. When the man tells her he’s an engineer, she suspects the meet isn’t going to be successful. (She intuits he’s an ST & she’s an NF = MBTI oil & water). Sure enough when she tells him she’s an astrologer – he begins to berate & belittle the profession.

Sarah is hurt & angry – her work has helped herself & many others. She wants to lash out & set him straight, but remembers the Al-Anon Q. So to not embarrass herself & not waste time justifying, she quickly asks him to say more about his profession – & then stops listening.
Instead of mouthing off to set him straight & embarrassing herself, she comforts her WIC, explaining why saying anything is useless.  It’s the best self-care, & a win for her self-esteem!

NEXT: “Right” – #5b

ACoAs being “RIGHT”- Opposite (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth

IT’S ABSOLUTELY NORMAL
to get things wrong sometimes

PREVIOUS: Being Right (Part 1)

SITE: The Joy of Being Wrong

QUOTE: “….people find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.” Harry Potter in the Half-Blood Prince


A LOOK AT THE OTHER SIDE
Reality – In ‘Being Wrong’, author Kathryn Schulz argues that it’s time to embrace our errors. After all, making mistakes is inevitable, so we need to stop pretending we can imagine it out of existence.

Being Wrong (BW) is uncomfortable
The process of learning something (so that we’re skilled, correct, knowledgeable) takes time, determination & effort. And it includes getting things wrong from time to time. This is normal, & applies to everyone, but most ACoAs hate process, because it means something different than it does to less damaged people. We’d rather assume that what we already believe is the final word (so we never have to be wrong), & expect others to go along with it. This is understandable for ACoAs, since BW makes us feel out of control.  Review “CDs & the Brain”

Normal LEARNING Process
Stage 1: we are wrong but don’t know it. Feels fine
Stage 2: we realize we are wrong. Feels horrible
Stage 3: we are right. Feels fine again (More…)

SUGGESTION: If you’re at stage 2, don’t resist – take comfort. It means you’re on the way to being right – if you don’t give up.

✔︎ Resistance to BW is why most of us are so poor at following our own advice – we’re much better at diagnosing & solving other people’s problems. Even tho’ we may quite accurately evaluate issues for them, we rarely use this skill for ourself, as it’s much harder to own our limitations & flaw, or make necessary changes.

✔︎ Resistance to BW explains why some of us have trouble getting started – trouble taking positive actions – even when it’s a ‘project’ we want to do, is worth doing & is actually possible. But since we can never do it perfectly, we put it off – either by endlessly fantasizing/talking about it, doing ‘research’ for months or years, or just avoiding it all together.

✔︎ Resistance to BW also suggests why it is so hard to let go of something that’s not turning out well (a bad relationship, the wrong job or investment, trying to do something we’re not equipped for….).
It’s often painfully obvious – to everyone else – when something isn’t working any more, or has never worked for us. We should cut our losses, but that would mean accepting that we’ve been wrong – which can feel too humiliating – especially for ACoAs.  So we plow on, whatever the personal or financial cost.

Being Wrong (BW) is OK!
What we think is absolutely right in most cases is only our opinion, & may or may not be correct nor apply to anyone else. And – knowing ‘everything’ is not always a plus, depending on what’s motivating us (Unhealthy EnneaType 5s). A great deal of knowledge is useful only if it’s the right kind & put to good use, otherwise it makes us narrow-minded, even stubborn – harming us & others.

BW (mistakes, ignorance, foolishness, limitations….) has its advantages. Allowing ourself to be imperfect (human) frees us :
🍃 to be open to infinite possibilities & to focus on solutions
🍃 to find our own timing & style, so we can free up our true inner genius
🍃from a great weight of oppressive & unrealistic ‘responsibility’
🍃 from wasting time trying to be & do what’s truly impossible

The sky’s the limit. CONSIDER:
● Allowing ourself to BW means opening our mind & heart to receiving other people’s knowledge & help, making creativity & options available

● While past experiences can be helpful, it’s important to not rely on them exclusively – especially if they represent expressions of our damage

● BW eliminates perfectionism (fear of failing), which is stifling. When we’re OK with BW, we’re not afraid to try new things, making life much more interesting & productive

● We gain more respect from others by admitting when we’re in the wrong or unsure. No one likes a know-it-all, who is too arrogant to take legitimate risks or unwilling to see other people’s point of view (See “Humility” )

●  When our opinion or facts are wrong, or we just have a poor attitude in dealing with others – admitting the truth to someone we’ve hurt (as in Step 5) will preserve their dignity. Forcibly slanting a behavior or argument in our favor (aBD) or showing off at someone’s expense – diminishes them.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 4)

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE
see my point of view!??

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#3a)

SITEs :’The Need To Be Right‘
“Addicted to being right“

⬅ “OFFICE SELFIE” by DMT


REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right – aBR (cont.)
It fits the characteristics of an alcoholic or otherwise narcissistic family – as perfectionism & grandiosity. So, no matter how helpful to others our info or how valid our beliefs are, the way we know we’re in the grip of aBR (a character defect) is that it doesn’t allow for anyone else to also be right – for themself.

▲Knowledgeable people who are reasonably healthy will share their expertise with anyone seeking it, but never press other to listen or to agree. They know everyone has the human right to their own info & choices.

But being aBR can be the cause for attacking anyone who challenges our world view. Others may have good ideas, their own process, a different way of working toward a goal OR they may be deep in denial & acting out their damage.
Regardless, if what or who they are doesn’t agree with our ‘truth’, we will badger or cold-shoulder them.

We function from the unspoken thought:
“I can’t bear it when someone contradicts or ignores me. So I wait. I watch. I react. I pounce – ready to belittle, correct, insult, make fun of, negate…..”
And if someone stands up for their opinions or style – or is just silent, we get very upset, get pushier, possibly even meaner. We won’t feel OK until & unless the other person capitulates.

EXP: When ranting about anything she thinks is wrong – with a person or in the world – one woman heads off any logic, comment or disagreement from her long-suffering husband with the command: “Just say YES!

RESULTS
While we who are Right-ists can easily find insecure wounded souls who will let themself be bullied, none of our tactics work with severe narcissists. And as for long-term active addicts, if they want to keep ‘using’, nothing we do will stop them!

Being convinced there’s a certain way everyone should think or act (unhealthy Ennea-type #1) will ultimately lead to personal frustration, annoyance & disappointment when others don’t follow our rules or opinions. This increases our underlying fear & rigidity. We feel betrayed, assuming someone we’ve tried to convince has automatically agreed to follow our lead, but then reneged on the implied compliance.

This is a thoroughly mistaken assumption, since most people do not automatically fall in behind the Right-ist, & their silence does not mean agreement. And whenever there is even a crack in our illusion, as Right-ists we don’t see our narcissism, but prefer to attack & accuse others.

Giving everyone the message they are or should be exactly like us obviously stiffles their ability or willingness to be cooperative & stay connected. If they don’t leave altogether, they pull away from us – the supposed ‘righteous’ one – reinforcing the feeling of abandonment on both sides.

aBR prevents us from experiencing the understanding & intimacy we say we desire. We can’t understand why our partner/ boss/ child….. is so angry with us. We’re convinced they should be making changes – then we’d get along just fine! After all, we don’t want to confused ourself with reality – like that others have the right to their own way of thinking & doing things – when we’ve already made up their mind for them!

Spiritual Narcissism –  Right-its can easily be dogma-zealots about anything we’re fired up about, trying to convince/convert the ‘ignorant’. We may sincerely believe we’re justified & being helpful, that having found the one & only ‘right way’ now we can set others straight & solve all their problems. But it’s up to the other person whether or not they’re interested in our position, and what works for one person, family or group is not always right for another.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 4)

ACoAs being “RIGHT” (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , ,

IF I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S RIGHT
everyone else is useless!

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#2)

SITEs: 38 (unhealthy) Ways to Win an Argument w/chart


DEFs:
▶︎ Rightness = A belief or action conforming to facts or truth. What is most favorable or desired
❖ Self-righteous = Convinced of one’s own virtue ((being perfect & therefore superior, even when well-hidden from most others) which is in stark contrast to the actions & beliefs of society. Being narrow-mindedly, moralistic. ~ Webster’s dictionary

REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right (aBR) (cont. from Part 2)
PAST: We suffered thru an abusive, controlling & neglected upbringing, Constantly forced to give up our way of thinking, doing or feeling around a Right-ist – we gradually became less able to express ourself, seemingly less competent & articulate (brain-freeze).

We may have seemed stupid, making the bullying Right-ist even more convinced of their superiority. Flooded with fear & anger temporarily diminishes the capacity to use the frontal cortex, which is needed for thinking, decision-making & self-control.

• With some oppressive authority figures, BR was dangerous because it showed them up & was considered ‘arrogant’, slowly forming our belief that we don’t know anything

• With others, a way to survive & avoid punishment was to always get it right, prove it without mistakes & justify ourself – forming the assumption that we must know everything.

🚦Double bind: Many of us were constantly told we were ignorant / stupid / unteachable – while at the same time expected to take care of them as if we were adults trained in several professions!

NOW: Always having to be right can be used as a protective cover, giving us a false sense of stability & control. Projecting our scary childhood onto the whole world, we assume everything is still & forever unsafe, assuming we need to be perfect – to prevent further danger.
Still desperate to please so we won’t keep getting abandoned, we wobble on the fence between these 2 false beliefs (know everything, know nothing), inevitably falling off, inevitably feeling miserable. This original dilemma has left us with rage & S-H, alternating between rebellion & paralysis.

• Many grew up with one or more severe narcissist – who always had to have their way. Then some of us took up the Right-ist mantle & carry it forward, tromping on others as we were tromped on. (See Right-ist characteristics – Part 2)

— SUBTLE but pervasive – perfectionism is aBR in disguise. We can keep this obsession better hidden, but the obvious result is decades of procrastination. 

— BLATANT: Wanting & insisting on getting our own way most or all of the time – is the narcissism of the False Self, a common character flaw of wounded people (the majority!). We will push & push to get others to see that our way is the not only correct – but the only possibility.

• Feeling superior (aBR), we may not even realize our anxiety is temporarily relieved when we get our way: “I knew I was right! Now that you’ve got that straight, we can go on.” It calms us – our security blanket in an unsafe world. But it’s a false solution because our damage is still lurking in the background, waiting for someone or something to set it off. Unhealed, we’re driven by old, deep terror.

• But like any addiction, having to BR is very stressful – always vigilant, afraid to make a mistake, never truly safe, never comfortable.
While outside it shows up as false pride – the need to feel important or better than everyone else – inside it’s driven by inadequacy & shame, which we may not even be aware of! Especially if we need to be seen as innocent, good & all-knowing.

We’ll use charm & manipulation alternating with anger & intimidation, to force our agenda on whoever we deal with . However, all we end up doing is alienating others by being high maintenance, or taking psychological prisoners of the insecure. In the process we sacrifice our own well-being.

NEXT : BR, #3b.

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, recovery , , , ,

IF I’M NOT RIGHT,
then who am I?

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#1)

⬅ “ARROGANT BOSS” by DMT

 

🟧 WHAT’S WRONG With Being ‘Right’?
Unhealthy (mild): The narcissist in us (& every ACoA has one) will think or say “If I can see this so clearly, why in the world can’t you? // If I can do that task, what’s your problem? // If I love that, I assume you will too. If not, why not?!”
This attitude makes no sense at all. Even identical twins are different in some fundamental ways. One person is not automatically better or more correct than another – just different. (See “Symbiosis & ACoAs #3“)

UNHEALTHY (severe) Addicted to being right (aBR)
🖤 This character defect (a cognitive distortion) applies TO :
— some adults we grew up with, AND
— those of us who have copied them , &
— anyone we’re ‘stuck to’ as adults who is like that

A Closed System – The state of a person or thing being isolated from its surrounding environment.
a : Any one person so rigid in their opinions that they can’t let in anything which differs from their own determined ‘correctness’

b :  2 people, a Dominant (D) & a Submissive (S) personality, who interact in an ongoing feedback loop, constantly exchanging limited, often distorted, info – characterized by coercion/compliance, co-dependence, sameness & symbiosis (like Mrs Bucket & husband)

For the D – there is no concern & equality for others, or desire to change, and –
For the S – there is no autonomy, questioning, rocking the boat, separateness, speaking up or taking a stand . (More….)

● GROUPS: (family, academia, church… )
Groups who assert they have the only right answer – discourage change, differences, disrupting the status quo, equality, independence, objecting, questioning, or taking a stand.
They tend to promote factions, gossip, immaturity, repression, secrets & triangulation. It makes members reactive & anxious, even if this is hidden from each other. They don’t feel safe to question or disagree leadership or the official rules, feafulr of disapproval, punishment or rejection. (MORE…)

🔒 At the extreme ‘right’ we find the ‘Right-ists’.

● RIGHT-ists are in a world of their own, extremely self-absorbed & arrogant – The accuracy or importance of whatever point they’re pushing is not as relevant as their need to be agreed with.
Their rigid thinking is used in a power struggle to bring everyone else to their knees – psychologically, mentally & emotionally. They want to capture other people’s thoughts – even in situations truly & totally beyond their control, such as with the active addicts .(Serenity Prayer backwards“).
Ingrained Right-ists truly feel justified in their position, rarely if ever seeing the arrogance & selfishness of their attitude. Sure of themself & comfortable in their superiority – so there’s no internal cognitive dissonance.

NOTE: Some right-ists camouflage their compulsion by seeming concerned for others’ welfare, sounding reasonable or just giving ‘helpful’ suggestions. But all the while they’re trying to control their environment – to make it conform to their world-view.
One hint: they consistently make unsolicited & often unwanted suggestions, give advice & offer help – there version.
DO NOT be taken in by the presentation. If your own opinions & needs are often or always ignored or over-ruled – you’re dealing with a sneak-narcissist.

Re. SELF,  RIGHT-ists:
• are rigid & controlling, so they don’t work well with others
• can become quite aggressive in order to eliminate the threat to their (secret or unconscious) weak self-image
• experience anyone who opposes or simply has differing opinions – as a direct threat to their sense of well-being
• lack empathy, have no patience with others & are often snide
• need the world to revolve around them

Re. OTHERS., RIGHT-ists :
• alienate others without realizing it, OR of they do, they wonder why, then assume it’s the other person’s fault
• can end up isolated & deprived of companionship, love, affection, …. unless they find a passive person who uses the ‘Right-ist’ to think for them!
• can’t imagine that other people actually have different needs & opinions from their own (NPD mother = “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”)
• may push good info from ‘good intentions’, without considering that they’re discrediting another’s process, boundary invading, & being arrogant (“others NEED me”)
• regard others’ ideas or viewpoints as inferior or worthless, often losing out on new info, & wonderful opportunities or relationships.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 3a)

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , , ,

IF I DON’T INSIST
no one will pay attention!

PREVIOUS: Psychopath Red flags #3

SITEs:
 Why is it so important to be right? 

QUOTEs: “Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not – puts us in a rage.”~ Andre Maurois
🔎 “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”   Isaac Asimov

 

What does ‘BEING RIGHT’ (BR) mean?
a. OK : Generally refers to having accurate information, knowing the right way to do something, or being sure of who we are, what we want, how we feel… It can be about:
• Assertiveness: being accurately sure about a subject or a person (“I know what I know”) & not afraid to stand by it
• Justice: fighting for what is just & right, especially in the face of opposition, but not for personal gain or to feed one’s ego
OR
b. NOT OK : Trying to force others to see our point of view & see the world exactly the way we do. It can be from:
• Narcissism: needing others to agree with us (“I’m right & you’re not”), in order to preserve the False Persona we’ve carefully crafted to cover up feeling insecure & vulnerable
• Symbiosis: the need/demand that others are just like us (“agree with me”) in order to not feel alone & abandoned
🚫 BOTH are being out of touch with one’s True Self

SO – it’s important to know when it’s legitimate to be right or not
Al-Anon tells us to ask ourselves “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” It’s a choice between getting our way (at any cost) OR having peaceful encounters with others.
This Q. is addressed to those of us who are co-dependents & addicts, since it would be a rare issue for healthy people. We can also say that Right and Happy are really not opposite ends of a spectrum. Instead it’s about the right/freedom of others to have their own point of view, AND being OK/safe with their right/freedom.

● The Q. comes up when we are having a disagreement with someone & feel an internal pressure (from the PP or the WIC) to get them to do something our way, to understand our point or to agree with our opinion – in order to feel connected. This can only happen if we still have a great deal of unresolved abandonment fear. Remembering the co-dep Triangle (Rescuer-Victim-Persecutor), even victims can become bullies when terrified & desperate to not feel but off.

● It’s a tricky Q. for us to answer because:
💌 some of us go along with whatever others say just to ‘keep the peace’ but really it’s to not have the other person be angry or leave us
💌 some of us never agree with anyone for fear of being swallowed up & disappear (used as a false boundary), while –
💌 others can manage disagreements in some situations (casual friends, co-workers….) but not in others, as when deeply attached to a person or position (lover, job…), then our WIC desperately feels it needs to go along with ‘whatever.

The Brain Is Hooked on Being Right
In situations of high stress, fear or distrust – like being wrong, ignored or laughed at – our brain chemistry (cortisol….) makes ‘decisions’ about how best to protect itself. We default to 1 of 4 F responses:
• fight – keep arguing the point, which is the hardest on relationships, & unfortunately the most common
• flight – revert to or hide behind group consensus
• freeze – mentally disengage, or shut up
• fawn – appease, ‘make nice’ by simply agreeing

The Fight reaction is partly due to other neuro-chemicals. When we argue & win, our brain floods with adrenaline & dopamine, making us feel good, dominant, even invincible. It’s understandable that we’d want to repeat those feelings. So the next time we’re in a tense situation, we fight again, & over time will get addicted to being ‘right’.
BUT if we’re getting high from being one-up, then the other person / group is one-down & therefore diminished.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 2)

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


ALL OF THEIR CHARM
is a lie, but hard to resist

PREVIOUS: Psychopath RED FLAGS #2

BOOKs: “Psychopath FREE”

 

2. SOCIAL Manipulation (in Part 2)

3. GENERAL  (cont)
• Hate filled – they’re obsessed with humiliating anyone who is successful, kind & cheerful, taking a delight in breaking up friendships & marriages

• Lie & make excuses – about everything, even when it’s not necessary, & can make up lies faster than you can question them

• No startle response – they have a total absence of anxiety, fear & worry – where there would be in a ‘normal’ person. They always seem to be calm, rarely stressed or nervous. This may be the result of decreased activity in the amygdala (emotion center of the brain)

• No boundaries – they invade personal space, standing too close. Research shows that ‘cold-hearted’ (inter-personally aloof) people prefer less distance between themselves & others. It may be a subtle symptom of aggression, as in “In your face”

• Physical — psychopaths need very little sleep – maybe 4-5 hrs a night. They’re always on the go, searching for new stimulation
— Research indicates they have a poor sense of smell – have a hard time identifying something or knowing the difference between smells
— They seem to have little or no body odor, maybe from frequent showers, carrying deodorant or a change of clothes – all to make a good impression

• Thirst for attention & adoration is obsessive & insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you see that anyone with a pulse can fill the role. They will drain you dry, but no one can fill the void in a psychopath’s ‘soul

4. REACTIONS – in YOU, the ‘Receiver’ of P-A
.• Crazed – After being around a psychopath for a while, you’ll feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal & empty. You’ve torn your entire life apart for them – spending money, ending friendships, searching for some sort of reason behind it all. None of it worked & there is no sane explanation. Psychopaths are hollow, deliberately using people & then discarding them like soiled clothes

• Denial – You feel on edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You write off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re insecure & in constant competition with others for their attention & praise

• Explaining (a) – You desperately ask them to imagine how they’d feel if you treated them in a hurtful way, but they just stare at you blankly. No adult should have to be told how they are making others feel. But psychopaths can’t seem to put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s either.  If it doesn’t bother them, why would it bother you?

•  Explaining (b) You find yourself trying to get across the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown adult. ‘Normal’ people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty & kindness, but not a psychopath. They don’t have a conscience.

• Insecurity – During & after the relationship, you’ll spend a lot more time in front of the mirror. (Thank You to “ckwanderlust” for their valuable insights)

•  No fighting – you’re afraid that any way you disagree with them could mean the end. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that unpleasant conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially anything to do with their behavior. You apologize & forgive quickly, otherwise you know they’ll lose interest

• Research – You find yourself playing detective, looking for answers to a feeling you can’t quite explain. It’s never happened in your other relationship, but suddenly you’re checking their old emails, cell phone texts, search logs, old Facebook pages & pics, about their ex…..

It’s not you! Their treatment was never about you! What you’re responsible for is staying with someone who mistreated you. That you can change – but never them!

KNOWLEDGE – If you’re wise enough to be on the outside looking at the psychopath, you may be the only one who knows that something’s seriously wrong with them. But no one will listen. Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than ‘intimate’ relationships.

Friends, family, co-workers will think he/she is great, even though they’ve been taken advantage of, even outright scammed. Unfortunately, ‘victims’ won’t object because they’re distracted with shallow attention & praise – often on social media.
All you can do is say what is true & then let go!

NEXT: Being ‘Right’ #1

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , ,

LISTEN TO PATTERN
of their conversation

PREVIOUS: Red Flags #1

BOOK:  HOW to TAKE REVENGE on a NARCISSIST: Take your power back by using their secret techniques 

List BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

 

1. RELATIONAL Manipulation (Part 1)

2. SOCIAL Manipulation
• Boredom – They focus more on their new activity & ignore other ones with you. They don’t seem to care when you’re not nearby, since they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy

• Comparing you with everyone else in their life, including your eventual replacement. When idealizing you, you feel very special by being told how much better you are than ‘these’ people. Later, when devaluing you, they use these comparisons to cut you down

• Communicating – texts you dozens of times a day, adding compliments, flattery, songs & poems on Facebook….  You come to rely on this flood of attention as a source of self-confidence

• Denouncing – they seem to have an unusual amount of crazies in their past. They bad-mouth previous business execs & personal relationships who ‘abandoned’ them, labeling those people as disloyal, jealous, bipolar, alcoholic….  They’ll trash-talk about you the same way to their next target

• Exes, Exes, Exes – it’s the psychopath’s favorite topic of conversation & you’re stuck listening about previous relationships all the time – their names & everything that happened between them – but only the psychopath’s version

• In Demand – they surround themselves with former lovers & potential mates, bragging that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you not to worry. You feel jealous, believing your partner is in high demand

• Isolating – If you try to keep up ties with family & friends outside your relationship, they will be sure to undermine each one until you’re severed. And if you work hard to foster inner peace in your life, they’ll make it their mission to destroy every avenue or tool you try to use

• Mind reading. Psychopaths expect you to always be able to know what they want or need, when they’re upset, when they don’t feel well, when they want you to do something – all without saying!

• Rivalry – they shift their laser focus from you back to previously denounced exes, using social media to post ambiguous videos & status updates, old songs & inside jokes. They make you doubt your importance to them, but if called out will say it’s all innocent – that you’re paranoid.

• Shape shifting. They adopt different personae for different people or groups, transforming their outward personality to match their audience. But sometimes they forget what role they’re playing with you, then slip & accidentally use the wrong mask. You begin to wonder – Who are they really?
Very eerie, but it’s not Multiple Personality Disorder. Each shift is conscious & cleverly molded – all to cover their inner emptiness.

3. GENERAL
• Blaming others – nothing is ever their fault. They spend all their time rationalizing & excusing their behavior rather than improving it

•  Dichotomy – they confuse you by acting like a swaggering street-smarts toughness, alternating with a little boy/girl ‘innocence’ routine (not real!).

• Fake goodness – they may create a ‘saintly’ aura by engaging in phony altruism (volunteering, donating, gift-giving…), & then can’t wait to boast about the great things they do for others – to gain your trust

•  Fake ‘tears’ – their emotions are shallow & short-lived.
— the’ve learned to copy emotions they see in others, so the mask rarely slips – unconsciously, when you get a feeling hint that something’s ‘off”
— you may catch flashes of contempt (feeling superior), unrelated to anything going at the moment. Micro-expressions leak their true opinions
— rage is one of the few Es they actually feel, but even so they can go from ranting to compete calm in a minute

• Fun – they actively search our extreme sports & dangerous activities, from a need to feel excitement via high risk & intensity. Anything from ‘BASE’ jumping to having sex in public, from juggling matches to carelessly cheating on a mate

• Overwhelming selfishness – only their needs, desires, opinions, upsets… count

•  Talking style – on the one hand their speech is filled with ‘umm / er / uh’ s… maybe   needing the time or mental effort to come up with the next lie, ‘story’ or way to make a good impression
On the other hand – they can barrage you with endless (sometimes interesting) monologues, like being on stage, but ignore responses or interruptions

• TMI – they love to tell about shady & ‘dirty’ things they’ve done (business & sexual) – as if those were something to be proud of – while giving the impression that’s all in the past for them.    (Modified from “Identifying a Psychopath….”)

NEXT: Psychopath RED FLAGS #3

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


NOTICE HOW OUT OF TUNE
they are with the rest of us

PREVIOUS: Dealing with P-As, #5

SITE: Movie Psychopaths – Most & Least realistic 


BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

Many of these Red Flags are contradictory – which is part of the psychopath’s bag of tricks. Don’t be fooled, because if  you believe their initial con-job, then they can keep you off balance, & you stay hooked.

★ We always need to be awake for what people are telling us about themselves – in all relationships. One Red Flag to look for is:
Always be suspicious of anyone who comes on too strong, too attentive & complimentary, too easily ‘attached’ – almost as soon as they meet you, even if some of what they say about you is accurate. They simply don’t know you yet, so all their sweet-talk is a form of manipulation & narcissism. It’s creepy!

Healthy people are not taken in by this – they can ‘feel’ such a person’s inappropriateness, whether from neediness or used as a self-serving hook. Smart adults take the time to slowly get to know others, allowing the process to unfold the truth. This is especially important for ACoAs, who are looking for a symbiotic, instant attachment – but which makes us vulnerable to being used & then thrown away!

1. RELATIONAL Manipulation
• Bait & Switch. After the initial seduction & idealization phase, they stop the compliments & flattery, then undermine your self-esteem by being degrading & belittling

• Be Non-reactive – they’re cool, calm & collected & want you to feel inferior or over-sensitive for having normal human emotions & reactions

• Controlling – They tell you what to of, say & feel. They try to ‘fix’ you up, obsessed with your appearance, making comments about what you’re wearing  & how you look, always picking at you, pointing out flaws that don’t even exist\

• Declare you are their soul mate – in the beginning: psychopaths will tell you how much you have in common, they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them, let you do all the talking…. so you’re enchanted

• Flatter your deepest insecurities, mirroring your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart. EXP:
— If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they’ll say you’re the sexiest person in the world
— If you have a need to be entertaining, they’ll say you’re the funniest most interesting person they’ve ever known….

• Gaslighting. Psychopaths blatantly deny their own manipulative behavior, ignoring clear evidence when confronted with it. They get angry if you try to disprove their denial / delusions using facts

• Insult you in a joking but condescending way, subtly minimizing your intelligence & achievements, such as smirk any time you try to express yourself

• Over-emphasize emotions, verbally, but not ever show any themselves. Make passionate statements like “I’ve never felt so happy in my life”, but in a robotic, detached voice – like an alien trying to imitate human feelings

• Provoke emotional reactions – deliberately setting you up. EXP:
— call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex on social media
— call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for 3 days straight…..

• Teasing you becomes their major style of communication – “just joking”! If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive, paranoid & cra

• Ultimate hypocrite. Psychopaths expect you to be their perfect mate, demanding total fidelity, respect & admiration – while they cheat, lie, steal & use you emotionally

• Withhold attention. Once you’re hooked they suddenly become withdrawn & physically uninterested – without any obvious reason or explanation. They act bored, like it’s a chore to be intimate, completely annoyed that you expect to continue the passionate relationship they started.
It make you desperate & needy, ensuring that you’ll always be the one to initiate contact

• Silent treatment: If they stop talking to you for several days, it’s to show their displeasure because they want you to believe that it was your fault for expecting too much from them, for ruining their plans, for not being available when they wanted you…. & they’ll play the victim as an excuse for not telling you

• Spotlight – always shining it on your faults and ignoring their own. If you point out their mistakes, they’re quick to point the finger back at you.  EXP:
— If they’re 2 hours late, they remind you that you were once 5 minutes late to your first date
— If they’ve forgotten to keep a promise, they remind you of the time you didn’t buy the milk you said you’d pick it up for their breakfast…..

• Teasing you becomes their major style of communication – “just joking”! If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive, paranoid & crazy

NEXT: Red Flags, #2

DEALING with P-As: Managing (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I’LL DO WHAT I CAN
but it’s not all up to me!

PREVIOUS: Dealing with PAs – #4

SITE: Confronting P-A behavior
— re. resistance to being confronted = #4


OUR RESPONSES
Set limits, list consequences – then follow through.
CRUCIAL: Identify the P-A’s dysfunctional behavior, & then state what it will cost them to continue it – with you. It’s a powerful tool, throwing down the gauntlet. It says you’re not the pushover they’re used to dealing with. Their maneuvers are basically a power struggle – with the whole world, but especially against anyone they see as an authority figure – in relation to themselves (spouse, teacher, family member, church, governments….) . So you can’t let it pass.

One of the biggest mistakes Receivers make is to be much too lenient. Once you give in to the P-A’s pattern, you’ve lost the game they’re playing. Ignoring or going along with their tactics, or taking on their responsibilities, is enabling & encourage them to continue.

Although you don’t want to provoke an angry confrontation, you also don’t need to be the P-A’s punching bag. Make it clear you won’t tolerate being mistreated. It’s your right to set boundaries. This is equally true about their language & their non-actions, all of which are forms of abuse & therefore damaging to your relationship, & to work outcomes. For most of us it takes practice to be assertive, & sometimes even courage.

Offer one or more serious/ important consequences that you know will matter to the P-A . Said simply & calmly, it may make them think twice about their automatic reactions, & maybe encourage them to modify their behavior – shifting from obstruction to cooperation. READ  7  types of power that encourages positive change.

Make sure the punishment fits the crime. Because P-A patterns are so frustrating, consequences/punishments can quickly go overboard (like in the heat of the moment screaming “I’m never ever talking to you again!”). Taking a time-out for yourself can help you come up with the best response.
AND – you may need to talk to someone else you trust to give you another perspective – or just a word of encouragement to stay strong. There’s nothing weak or shameful in getting support.

EXP: If this problem has gone on for too long – decide: Do I just need a break, or is it time to end the friendship altogether? / Is this person needed in this job, or should I fire them?….. OR – If someone is habitually late to meet you at an agreed upon time – after the 3rd or 4th time let them know that from now on that you’ll only wait 15 min. & then leave. Don’t keep waiting.

So no matter what their reaction is to being called out, as an Rs you need to stand pat about how much you’re willing to take going forward. Follow through on the limits you set – to let the P-A know you’re not willing to pay the price for their acting out.
If possible, give the P-A a chance to help solve the problem at hand, asking them for constructive, practical solutions that work for them, to improve or fix the situation (at work or at home). BUT if all you get are complaints & criticisms, don’t agree or disagree. Just say that you’ll keep what they said in mind, & go back to the point you were making.

Reinforce appropriate/good behavior – with the goal of increasing its frequency. It can be : punishing bad responses or rewarding good ones – which are harder so notice. So be on the lookout for positive changes – which include expressions of true emotions & any unhealthy tactic not done.

Decide when to detach or avoid the P-A completely. If you’ve given them every chance to ‘correct’, spoken to them reasonable, given them options &/or consequences – AND nothing changes – it’s perfectly reasonable to spend a lot less time with them or end the relationship. Sometimes this can be very difficult & painful, but you have to put your own well-being first. (Self-care)
However, if it’s a casual acquaintance – it’s easier to just avoid them.

What can help you deal with a P-A you care deeply about is to focus on their best qualities. Make a list & add to it if /when you see positive changes. Sometimes reinforcing the best in others will give them a reason to improve themselves.
NOTE: This does not apply to active addicts or other narcissists. Their S-H won’t allow for compliments & their acting-out can not be reinforced or excused.

NEXT: RED FLAGS in Psychopaths