PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Time (Part 1)
QUOTEs : “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” ~ Steve Jobs
❥ “Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” ~ M Scott Peck
⌛️ ⏰ 🕔
1. Lost Time and 2. Wasted Time (Part 1)
3. REQUIRED TIME
a. Much more time than something should take, normally. Our damage makes any action an insurmountable project.
ACoAs will put off taking actions because WE :
• are convinced it’ll will take forever. Whether a task is it’s a big or small, we:
-a- don’t divide it into manageable chunks, -b- don’t have an realistic time sense &
-c- hate the slowness of process
• have to obey the rule “No play ‘till all your work is done” which of course will never happen, so we go on strike instead, & do nothing!
• have to obey the rule “You have to struggle but never get there” so why start?
• (think we) don’t know how, & can’t ask for help, so why bother?
• we’re afraid of making the wrong choice, & the get punished or be terribly disappointed – again
• we can’t decide what to do first – everything is equally big, important, scary… because as a kid the same amount of emphasis was put on large or small events, mistakes, tasks… so we never learned to prioritize
▪️ While these are all ‘hangovers’ from childhood, the root of it is our inner conflict now, between:
• what we want & what the Introject wants or won’t allow (or others in the present)
• our damaged part (WIC) & the emerging Healthy Adult voice
These internal arguments have to be resolved by the ‘UNIT‘ in order to proceed.
The exciting thing is that when the IC is on the same page with the Healthy Self, we find that many actions take very little time, are not a big deal AND we actually did know how. No conflict = No delay!
➼ Suggestion, using T.E.A.
Thoughts: write out the opposing points of view (sometimes 3 & 4 different ones) of the argument you’re having with yourself about a situation you’re stuck on
Emotions: list all your feelings related to each ‘voice’
Actions: identify the ones you want or need to take, & what you think the results will be, depending on which option you decide to follow
✍️ Try whichever side you choose (As) & then later write down the results. Evaluate (T) the outcome & see how it feels (Es). This is called “Bookending” & is very effective
✍️ You can also use the 2 forms on the post “Why Are You Stuck?”
b. Much less time than is realistic. In this care we consistently underestimate how much is involves in getting things done. This can come from unreliable people we have to depend on, but mostly from our own unrealistic expectations.
These are the ACoAs who:
• always over-book, plan things too close together, don’t allow enough time to get places or time for possible delays – and don’t allow for process…
Like: how long it takes for – a renovation, a doctor visit, to taking a trip, developing a friendship, waiting for a delivery, a check, an email or the return of a text! (it pushes our Abandonment button)
• try to do several things at one time. This is not about multi-tasking, but rather expecting, magically, to be able to be in more than one place at a time, like 2 conflicting events – without planning to do things consecutively, OR pick one & let the other go.
Like: making plans to go shopping alone and have lunch with a friend – at about the same time! It’s one of the reason some ACoAs are habitually late (cont. in Part 3)
NEXT: ACoAs & Time (Part 3)