ACoAs & TIME (Part 2)


slow timeWHY DOES EVERYTHING
take so much longer than I think??!!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Time (Part 1)

SITEs :  Kids, ADHD & Time
✦ Time Management Tips

Take back control of your time

QUOTEs : “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” ~ Steve Jobs
❥ “Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” ~ M Scott Peck
⌛️  ⏰   🕔
1. Lost Time and 2. Wasted Time  (Part 1)

3. REQUIRED TIME
a. Much more time than something should take, normally. Our damage makes any action an insurmountable project.
ACoAs will put off taking actions because WE :
• are convinced it’ll will take forever. Whether a task is it’s a big or small, we:
-a- don’t divide it into manageable chunks, -b- don’t have an realistic time sense &
-c- hate the slowness of process
WE
• have to obey the rule “No play ‘till all your work is done” which of course will never happen, so we go on strike instead, & do nothing!
• have to obey the rule “You have to struggle but never get there” so why start?stuck in time
• (think we) don’t know how, & can’t ask for help, so why bother?
AND
• we’re afraid of making the wrong choice, & the get punished or be terribly disappointed – again
• we can’t decide what to do first – everything is equally big, important, scary… because as a kid the same amount of emphasis was put on large or small events, mistakes, tasks… so we never learned to prioritize

▪️ While these are all ‘hangovers’ from childhood, the root of it is our inner conflict now, between:
• what we want & what the Introject wants or won’t allow (or others in the present)
• our damaged part (WIC) & the emerging Healthy Adult voice

These internal arguments have to be resolved by the ‘UNIT in order to proceed.
The exciting thing is that when the IC is on the same page with the Healthy Self, we find that many actions take very little time, are not a big deal AND we actually did know how. No conflict = No delay!

Suggestion, using T.E.A.
Thoughts: write out the opposing points of view (sometimes 3 & 4 different ones) of the argument you’re having with yourself about a situation you’re stuck on
Emotions: list all your feelings related to each ‘voice’

Actions: identify the ones you want or need to take, & what you think the results will be, depending on which option you decide to follow
✍️ Try whichever side you choose (As) & then later write down the results. Evaluate (T) the outcome & see how it feels (Es). This is called “Bookending” & is very effective
✍️ You can also use the 2 forms on the post “Why Are You Stuck?

b. Much less time than is realistic. In this care we consistently underestimate how much is involves in getting things done. This can come from unreliable people we have to depend on, but mostly from our own unrealistic expectations.
These are the ACoAs who:
• always over-book, plan things too close together, don’t allow enough time to get places or time for possible delays – and don’t allow for process…
Like: how long it takes for – a renovation, a doctor visit, to taking a trip, developing a friendship, waiting for a delivery, a check, an email or the return of a text! (it pushes our Abandonment button)
OR
• try to do several things at one time. This is not about multi-tasking, but rather expecting, magically, to be able to be in more than one place at a time, like 2 conflicting events – without planning to do things consecutively, OR pick one & let the other go.
Like: making plans to go shopping alone and have lunch with a friend – at about the same time!  It’s one of the reason some ACoAs are habitually late (cont. in Part 3)

NEXT: ACoAs & Time (Part 3)

4 thoughts on “ACoAs & TIME (Part 2)

  1. Yes time is such a BIG problem for me. I identified more with Part 2 of your post.

    I don’t know what happened to my time. For the last 3 years it’s gone haywire. I started to be late to work every single day (I had to start 15 minutes earlier than what I was used to and it threw my routine way out). Every job I’ve had since then I am always late. I now work 15 mins away from home and I am still late! I get up at the last possible minute and rush rush rush because I want to conserve as much sleep as possible.
    I did notice a change in my time habits for a short time at the start of the year when I left my r/ship and the pressure/unmanageability was off but now that I am back in the r/ship again my time has gotten worse! I feel pressured to take on ALL responsibilities at work and at home. I am not allowed fun time until all work is done – BUT work in my head is never DONE. I work three days pw and I still say I don’t have enough TIME for me!
    God I hate it but thank you, I did not know it was an ACOA trait. Now I have to work on being on time right? Writing down what I need to do in the morning and allowing enough time to do it.
    Oh and work too – I can’t prioritise anymore. I just pick up a file and do it regardless of whether I have something urgent to do, I stick in meaningless tasks with important tasks just to finish them.
    I’m going to start my list tonight! THANK YOU 🙂

    Like

  2. Thanks for you comment. Sounds like the WIC & PP are vying to see who can run your life! How are you working on developing the Healthy Adult?

    Like

    • I am doing 12 Steps, attending f2f meetings, online forums and have a sponsor but finding TIME for all these things plus the rest is not easy…
      I am uncertain what PP has to do with it all thought – Pig Parent?
      Incidently after reading your post of yesterday I did get up a little earlier as I knew I had to get petrol before work but I got up because I don’t want my unhealthy traits to rule my life.

      Like

  3. Good for you! & I know what you mean – having time for it all!
    Yes PP is the pig parent, also called the Negative Introject. See my 3 posts on that topic. It is telling the Kid all the bad things the kid believes about itself, but is only interested in using us to sooth it’s own fear. We have to learn to detach from it.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.