PREVIOUS: INDIRECT Abusers (Part 1)

Abusers & THERAPY
a. There are some covert abusers who will go to therapy because they’re in very real pain – for years & years, but are not actually willing to dig into their unconscious (Shadow side) to clean out their pain & correct their CDs.

These narcissists, borderlines, paranoids…. are trying to get relief by ‘using’ the therapist as a nurturing parent rather than learning how to parent themselves. Unhealthy counselors will fall into the trap & become enablers, while the healthier ones will challenge the client to grow – never well-received – which will likely run the patient off!

b. However, most deeply entrenched abusers (hard cases who have too much to lose) won’t go to therapy because, as far as they’re concerned, the problem is with other people, never them.
If pressed, their reasons for not going may be:
lack of time or money, they’re handling things themselves, they don’t believe in airing dirty laundry, they tried before & it never helped, it’s all psycho-babble & B.S. anyway….

c. If they give in – reluctantly, it doesn’t last & there’s no actual improvement. Maybe they’ve been told by their adult-children, friends, a spouse….. that they’re abusive & need help. Maybe they’re forced to go in lieu of losing their job or serving time. In any case, their real motives are:
• to get the mate or child to return to their clutches
• to save face, their job, or prevent some other loss
• to get better at their all-consuming passion – psychological warfare – by using their newly learned therapeutic info & tools, but in a distorted form

❖ AND then demand credit for ‘trying’, but always blame the V. when nothing changes, saying the V. is the real cause of their problems, since they’re not acting “right”.  SO, it’s completely unrealistic to believe that the P. is going to counseling to face their underlying damage, the same way you can’t trust a married boyfriend who keeps promising to leave his spouse.

EXP : The game “LHIT – Look how hard I’m trying” lays out this pattern, which can be applied to – gov’t leaders, poker players, office workers, kids, mates….. The P acts like they’re making an effort but really aren’t. (4 more from GAMES PEOPLE PLAY, by Eric Berne)  (Read about Transactional Analysis)

▶︎  Mate ‘A’ pushes mate ‘B’ to therapy, who is not at all interested. They go together, but B quits after 1 or 2 sessions. Their relationship either limps along endlessly on its own, or ends in a split. Either way, B can say “it’s not MY fault – LHIT!”
Psychological Games can also apply to kids cleaning or spouse doing chores. They try but bungle it, so parent or spouse can’t ‘justify’ anger & punishment – who ends up doing everything themself.

♟THESIS = Passivity, to show that “I’m helpless & therefore blameless”
♟ STROKES = through belligerent exchanges
♟ AIM  = to avoid guilt over angry feelings, domestic responsibilities & intimacy
♟ ROLES =  2 or 3-handed : “Steadfast”, Persecutor, (+ Authority)
♟ MOVES = A suggests, B resists // A pressures, B complies // A tries to get approval, B makes sure requests fails

BOTH Direct & Indirect abusers do great harm, but NEVER because of anything the Victims are or have ever done! Mistreatment is totally on the P’s shoulders. As with others addicts, the P must be willing to face & own their actions & deeper motives, but toxic narcissists will NOT….

😪 Therefore, no effort by the V to stop the abuse will ever work.
Al-Anon offers 3 Cs for Vs: “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it.”

GOOD NEWS:
Given enough time, many victims reach a tipping point, perhaps ‘suddenly’ wake up to their rights, understanding & finally believing the abuse is not deserved
OR are simply not willing to tolerate the humiliation & pain anymore. They’ve had it, & decide to get out & get help for themselves.

• The faster Vs can come to this conclusion, the less damage we have to repair. Listen to that still small voice whispering in the background, to your gut & all the comments from others about your situation. YOU can change your life.  The abuser likely will not tolerate the changes in you, so plan your escape!

NEXT: DELIBERATE Abuse – or Not? #1

PREVIOUS: What if emotional abuse

SITE: Understanding Your Core Pain and False Self

(P. = Perpetrator  /   V. = Victim)

TYPES of EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.) (cont.)
🖤 NEGATING Ways
a. Denying – Perps :
• disallow & overrule your viewpoints or feelings that differ from their own
• dismiss emotional needs, especially when you’re in great pain (of any kind), with the intention of shutting you up, by hurting, punishing or humiliating
• refuse to consider your request to be treated better
• withdraw emotionally, refuse to listen or communicate, use the silent treatment as punishment

b. Invalidating – they
• refuse to acknowledge reality by denying specific events actually happened
• negate your observations, memory, even your sanity
• try to distort, undermine & negate your perceptions of the real world
EXP – Perp’s responses to you
▫︎ when you object to being called a bad name, they may insist :
“I never said that,  don’t know what you’re talking about,”…
▫︎ if you indicate you’re hurt by something they did or said, they’ll sneer :
“Geeze, I was just kidding! That shouldn’t bother you. That’s your problem. You’re too sensitive…”
P.S. A possible counter: “Well, you’re not sensitive enough!”

c. Minimizing : a less extreme form of invalidation – they
• may not deny that a particular event occurred, but will downplay the severity of an abusive episode, & question the validity of your emotional experience or reaction
• may say “You’re exaggerating, blowing this out of proportion , You made that up, You’re over-reacting….”, implying you’re “crazy” since your evaluation of the experience is faulty

d. Trivializing : An even more subtle form of denying – they
• underplay their own behavior while telling you that your actions, thoughts & feelings don’t make sense (not important or legitimate)
• suggest that what you’ve done or said is stupid, unimportant & not worth bothering with

🖤 UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS – They
• accuse you of being selfish if you don’t do exactly what they want
• demand constant attention, to spend all your free time with them, & expect you to put aside tasks & down-time to focus on them
• indicate that no matter how much you give, you always fall short
• put unreasonable demands on your time, energy, space, money…. then berate you for not fulfilling all their needs
• say you’ve stupid but expect you to be their perfect cleaner, lawyer, doctor, parent, lover….

🖤 WITHHOLDING  – they
• doesn’t pay attention to or help with everyday ‘little things’
• leave out important information you need
• never gives praise or shows appreciation for your efforts
• never shows concern, won’t offer to protect & never have your back
• refuse your offers of affection, approval, appreciation, love, validation
• won’t say where they’re going or what they’re doing

Some Results in YOU
Overall, long-term abuse creates ‘learned helplessness‘  (MORE…)
• always on edge, anxious, off-balance  •  become hopeless & depressed
• lose respect for yourself   • often get sick  • self-esteem erodes
• question & mistrust your own perceptions & opinions – lose all confidence in your most valuable survival tool : your own mind

❤️ ANTIDOTES to E.A.
It’s very hard to take in love from others when you’re scared all the time! (See Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs). And we won’t ever feel safe if we:
a. choose & then stay with abusers
b. stay emotionally shut down, or over-react to every event or comment

• The best defense is to know what to look for (T) AND then stay awake to your physical reactions that tell how you’re feeling (E).
Being in touch with your intelligence, intuition & every nuance of emotion is vital : Our Es let us know when who or what is appropriate or inappropriate for us. Then we can act accordingly. That’s up to US!

• As we clean out old pain we clear a channel to our True Self, which includes having legitimate, in-the-moment reactions to our environment.
Like the ‘Ick Factor’ – that little jolt in the gut when we’re with someone who says or acts in away that’s wrong for us. Because it’s subtle, it’s easier to notice it IF we’re not full of anxiety.

Whenever we experience & acknowledge that ICK, we can ask what that person meant by their comment, or just say ouch!
Whether you’ve spent a few days, weeks or months with an Emotional Abuser, once you have the correct info you can recognize if they’re unable or unwilling to change. If that’s the reality, it may be time to curtail or eliminate the relationship.

NEXT: Direct abusers #1

PREVIOUS: GRANDIOSITY and ‘NORMAL’ (# 1)

REMINDER:  All posts on ABUSE will have a lot of repetition.

1. NORMAL

2. GRANDIOSITY (G) (cont)
a. KIDS: This is a legitimately ‘normal’ characteristic of small children, all the way thru the teens – thinking they can do much more than they actually can (fly – with their arms, keep playing without having to eat or sleep, get away with misbehaving, doing something big – like driving or having sex – without guidance or training, not needing help “I can do it my-self!”….). It’s a self-focused survival mechanism – preventing children from being crushed by fully realizing the extent of their vulnerability.

b. ADULTS (a G / Gs = people who act grandiose)
This refers to someone who has a sense of uniqueness, superiority (not a ‘puny human’) – the belief that few others have anything in common with themself, & that they can only be understood by a few or very ‘special people’.
Sound familiar?  This is a form of narcissism which is normal in children but is supposed to be outgrown by adulthood.

For ACoAs it’s a continuation of that early psychological defense, not having yet developed a healthy Adult Ego State. As long as our WIC runs the show we use that same protection to hide our sense of vulnerability – which now comes from being stuck in our frightening past.  EXPs:

Self-Hate : All of S-H is a form of grandiosity – in negative terms: “I am the ‘worst’, the most hopeless, I don’t have the capacity to love, I’ll never get better, I have to give up the hope of finding someone right for me….”
EXP :  Always feeling separate – “I never fit anywhere”, different – but negatively or superior – “I don’t have any problems”, while acting out Victim role. “You just don’t understand!”

No Limits : Not having boundaries – “I’m the same as you, you are me, we feel & think alike…” the state of an infant that we need to outgrow.
EXP:  Pushing ourself until we collapse. or going beyond normal limits – especially when in a weakened condition. (Run on an injured leg, over-use hands, over-do exercise, go to work when very sick, try to rescue our Perps or other Victims, mind other peoples’ business ….)

Perfectionism : Yes it shows up everywhere!
This is an impossible goal, regardless of some spiritual teachings. Yet we try to compensate for the continual inner & outer sense of danger by trying to know everything & never make a mistake – instead of healing the wounds that cause our fear.

We’re convinced that anything about us or our actions that’s not 100% ideal (distorted, unrealistic standards) IS:
• our failure to make up for our ‘unwillingness to be good’ (please our parents), which we use to beat ourself up – & then try again to be inhuman
• ‘proof’ of our inherent & permanently flawed identity, making us unworthy of anything positive in life. Since we believe we’re defective, we can easily be thrown away. Our imperfect-ness is assumed to be our fatal flaw.

As the WIC says:
“No one loves or takes care of me, so I might as well die”!  PS: This is not being dramatic – to a small child. AND it’s:
• the reason why we don’t even bother trying many things we’re actually capable of doing, lest we ‘fail’ (to be perfect).
What an illusion. What a waste of possibilities!

Finished with an Issue
This is the extreme opposite of “I’ll never get better”. Most common in early Recovery – we think we’re DONE with a character defect or childhood pattern that we worked on for a while.
OR – we think we should have gotten over our ‘issues’ by now (in Recovery, at our age, with so much therapy….)

Problem : When that same old (“cleaned up”) emotional reaction or unhealthy behavior inevitably resurfaces, usually under stress – we feel defeated, full of S-H & fall back into : “I’m hopeless at this growth stuff. I might as well not even try!”
Reality : Repetition & Process lead to improvement – NOT perfection!

GIVING UP Grandiosity?
To let go of this defense we need to know all our needs & rights, as well as our limitations.  It’s finding a healthy balance between :
🏵 realistic optimism based on acknowledging all examples of our progress ➕
💔 a realistic understanding of the depth of our wounds & the ongoing nature of process.
Healing & growth will take the rest of our life – no matter how successful we become. That’s what it means to be human.  Al-anon slogan: “Progress, not perfection”!

NEXT: What is Emotional Abuse? #1

PREVIOUS: Victims or Not? #1

QUOTEs:  • “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life. Define yourself.” ~ Harvey Fierstein

•  “You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure.” ~ (from ‘Eleven Minutes’, by Paulo Coelho)

🌋 VICTIMs or NOT?  (V = victim , P = Perpetrator / abuser)
a. Victim (Part 1)

b. Stoic: At the other extreme are the ACoAs (often in the Hero role) who can’t admit anything bad happened to them. These believe we were not abused & that everything was fine.  Even if we do sometimes say it wasn’t all great, we believe it was our fault. We walk around with emotional stab wounds, bleeding from unseen trauma & pretending we’re fine. Just fine, thanks over much!

Our closest & ‘dearest’ can carelessly spew their damage at us, YET we blame ourself! We say: “But, they didn’t mean it / They didn’t know any better”….
What we mean is : “Since they didn’t mean to hurt me, I can’t be angry at them! So there’s no reason to be upset (I don’t want to feel anything)”. Phew!
This reasoning is SO flawed because all ACoAs are in fact sad, lonely, disappointed, hurt & angry – under whatever defenses we’ve cobbled together!

It’s not healthy for us to ignore what’s going on – inside or outside. Denying that we were wounded by our family and that we have many & complex emotions – is a way to victimize ourself – adding to the original pain.
If most ‘normal’ adults are enraged by being mistreated over time, how much more so are children, who are dependent, vulnerable & powerless.

Abuse & neglect are terrifying & humiliating, no matter what the reason for it or motivation of the P. As kids, the longer we had to ignore bad behavior, the angrier we got – which often got suppressed & then acted out on ourself & others. EXP: Reason for the murder of Martha Moxley, seen near the end of the TV movie “Murder in Greenwich” (2002).

Re. Pity for others
One way stoic ACoAs can feel superior & also deny our pain – is to feel sorry for others, especially our parents & mates. It may seem like a show of kindness & empathy on our part, but all it does is allow our Ps to get away with being inappropriate & stay unhealed.
Feeling pity for incompetent, addicted or abusive people is a way to disguise our anger at them for not taking care of themselves & not carrying their weight in the relationship.

REVIEW why we don’t want to “know what I know”
Because • we figure the situation is futile – since we can’t change it – so why even notice  (this is NOT the healthy Powerlessness of Recovery, ie. Letting Go). AND —
— WE would have to:
• be ‘forced’ to feel that old fury, & we’re not allowed to be angry at ‘them’ OR to weep about it!
• give up the illusory power of our S-H “I can fix people-places-things so they’ll stop hurting me”
• give up the WIC’s hope / demand that they will get better, love us, turn things around, connect with us
• feel the depth of pain from how badly we’ve been treated
• S & I (reject the Introject), be our own Parent, give up the WIC’s desperate wish to be taken care of

♦ We are not only protecting ourself from past & present Reality, but also protecting our Perpetrators. Not speaking up about how their mistreatment has affected us is self-destructive, and abdicates responsibility to ourself. It’s giving the P permission to continue neglecting us, beating up our Inner Child & disrespecting our Healthy Adult.

Not feeling ALL our emotions a little at a time (the high achievers, isolators, rescuers, caretakers, Heroes & Mascots….), especially the old sorrow & rage, has a high price. It makes us internally ‘dead’ & externally alone, a numbness that has become a wall, even if we keep busy, busy & have lots of relationships.
RECOVERY is about moving out of the Victim Role into our True Self.

NEXT:  Grandiosity & Normal #1