ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 5)

& it’s all your fault!

PREVIOUS: Getting controlled (Part 3)

SITE: 9 Ways We Set Ourselves Up To Be Controlled in Relationships

BOOK: Confessions of an Abandoned Child ~ Curtrina Pharr

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Negative STATES causing loss of Control
a. In Bondage / lose independence
Accepting unwanted situations, addicted & enslaved, be obsessed, be controlled, submitting to another, financially or psychologically tied down against our will
b. Focus on the Material / only aware of the physical
Caught up in appearances, getting & spending, over-indulging the senseshopeless, ignoring or forgetting the Spiritual

c. Ignorance / be unaware & stay in it
Be taken in by appearances, choose to stay in the dark (denial) fear the unknown, live in deprivation, operate within a narrow range of options & emotions
d. Feel Hopeless / lack faith
Believe the worst, despair, doubt, see the world as ‘cold ’, predict a bleak future, think negatively  (More…..)

🎯 WHO / WHAT we LET Control us (cont. from PART 4)
You’re being controlled (or Over-C) WHEN you STAY:
Sphone fatigueon the phone, or with someone you want to get away from
• in any location or event you’d rather not be at (or hate)
• in any relationship, job, home…. way too long
• with someone else – when you’d rather be alone, need to rest, or be doing something else, and/or ….
• buy or eat things the other person wants you to, but you don’t like
• endlessly listen to someone’s dumping – who’s in too much pain, demanding, needy, abusive, just using you….
• feel sorry for others instead of yourself
• go out with someone because they want you to, or from loneliness
• keep believing a proven liar, keep depending on someone who is consistently unreliable
• keep seeing friends who are totally focused on themselves, bad datenever on you, including dates & mates
• let other invade your boundaries or say mean things, without objecting
• spend a lot of time worrying about someone else
• pay for things only to please another (not from love but from FoA)
• take care of very damaged people who need much more help than you can give them, because it makes you feel ‘important’, needed, less worthless….
• try to be something you’re not, or do things others want – out of guilt

You’re with a Controller (C.) anywhere :
are given the ‘silent-treatment’ as punishment
• firmly state a boundary about something, & the C. ignores it completely
• feel like you’re losing it, because the C has systematically isolated you, to make you only be, do & think the way they want
• friends or family see a change in you when you’re with the C.
• have lost friends because the C. complained about or refused to let you see them

EMOTIONAL – if you
• feel depressed & physically drained much of the time
• feel suffocated by the C being needy, over-protective or intrusive
• feel ‘less than’, ignorant, belittled or hopeless when you’re with the C.
• end up feeling guilty all the time but don’t know why
IF you:
• eventually ‘shut down’ and ‘give in’ rather than trying to be heard, sticking to your point of view, being takdepresseden seriously
• hide or run away from problems with the C. because you feel too weak to confront & stand up to them
✶ are being told by the C. that what you’re feeling – anger, fear, frustration – are from your ‘issues’, that you’re causing it, you’re over-reacting…. (denying what they ARE doing!)

MENTAL – if you
• always second-guess yourself, from actually being criticized, undermined or corrected
• are accused of being boring now because : “You used to be so much fun, more interesting & outgoing…. you just follow whatever I say”
• tend to ‘go along with things’ to avoid conflicts with the C
• worry about the C’s reaction before you make a decision

✶ Are often told the C. is not ‘doing anything to you’, but rather that you’re choosing to do or be what the C. wants! (Cs take NO responsibility for their manipulations!)

SPIRITUAL – if you
• are constantly judged & accused of being bad, using a spiritual or religious dogma as ‘proof’
• feel you’ve lost your vision & are willing to compromise your values to try to please them
• punished for not being perfect, not following their rules

NEXT: Responding to Controllers

5 thoughts on “ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 5)

  1. Thank you for these posts during the holidays, they are very timely. An emotion I experience when I have found myself around a “C” person too long is a numb, depersonalized feeling. I often feel that when I try to stand up for myself I feel I need to do it in a “perfect” way. This has caused me to capitulate in the past. I’m working on realizing that standing up for myself is a new skill for me and like any new skill won’t be perfect, in fact doesn’t have to be perfect.


    • Awareness is great – it motivates us to change. But I think ‘perfect’ should be used very sparingly, & never applied to ourselves, since humans cannot be perfect. Next 2 posts will be about how to respond to Cs!


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