ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 4)


door mat
I FOLLOW ALL THE RULES
why am I still being walked on?

PREVIOUS: Being Controlled (Part 1)

READING: Dealing with Manipulative people – from “In Sheep’s Clothing”

 

🎯 WHO / WHAT we LET Control us
Controlling patterns are the same as Emotional Abuse.  All but one of these groups can influence us positively OR negatively. It’s up to us to know what suits us best & stick to it!
INNER DAMAGE – everything this blog covers
Also “Bitchlifestyle” blog : Who Controls You, Your Bitch or Your Brat?

The more we try to please everyone, we become:
— MORE frantic, disorganized, overwhelmed, angry, unhappy, exhausted
— LESS focused, rested, peaceful, satisfied, pleasant to be with
AND the fewer people we actually please!

Letting ourselves be controlled is giving our power away. Yet we think it will actually:
— GAIN us acceptance, love, continual attention, protection
— PREVENT being ignored, made fun of, punished or left
Unfortunately, this is an illusion!

NOTE: THIS LIST is about the way our negative relations can controls us:

PARENTS – wanting their love & approval at any expense, we often twist ourselves into distorted versions of our True Self – & still never please them or get what we need from them (see Part 3)

PARTNERS – our fantasy beliefs about what a good relationship or marriage is supposed to be (especially for women – to be the ‘giver’) makes us into servants or slaves
CHILDREN – expressing our love for them can go too far, being afraid to set boundaries or teach them discipline can let them take advantage
PEERS / FRIENDS – trying to keep up with or out-do them, keep their approval, get their admiration, be in the ‘IN’ group….

JOBs/ Bosses – expectation, demands … especially the unreasonable one that we think have to be fulfilled. After all, aren’t we used to doing the impossible – or at least trying like crazy?

NEMESES – (people we’re jealous of or in competition with) – we can do many foolish or self-defeating things to stay ahead of them or keep them from winning over us, whether the ‘prize’ is important to us or not. We become obsessed, over-work, cheat, connive, worry… just to shore up our weak ego

ENEMIESA) people who hate us for their own reasons. We didn’t cause it, but we can end up expending way too much time, energy & money trying to win them over or placating them, instead of leaving them alone, praying for them or being neutral -OR-
B) those we hate – & that hatred eats us up year after year – wasting time trying to get even, obsessing about telling them off (but never do), or actually putting nasty plans into motion

HEROES – because we don’t know the real person, they’re usually one-dimensional yet we put them on pedestals – so they’re not fully human. We think we could / should be like them, but it’s not automatically true that if they can do or be something, we can too.  And even if we follow their lead in some way, we may not be able to do it right away, or it may be a lot harder that we thought, or we may not have the same resources…. which can leave us discouraged & self-hating.
We have to be realistic, without giving up, working toward goals that fit who we are!

• We may find positive qualities to emulate, but only with careful assessment & background research. THEY must be people:
— who are actively living the qualities you admire, not just talking a good game
— you are genuinely similar to (not just matching our damage). Just because someone else can do or be something does not mean you can or should want to!

NO GUARANTEE:  Being psychologically healthy does not prevent damaged people from trying to hurt us. We know that good people in the public eye are sometimes vilified, even killed!   Self-esteem is our best protection – recognizing the unwell and removing ourselves from such people.

NEXT: Being Controlled (Part 3)

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