ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 3)

PREVIOUS: Being Controlled #2

REVIEW Posts: Abandonment Pain, Now’ and ‘Negative Introject


1. Toxic Family RULES
Be loyal to the family, even if they’re crazy, hurtful, neglectful or sadistic” , “Never, ever hold anyone else accountable for their bad behavior” (especially ‘authority’)… insures that we cling to anyone who treats us as badly as our family, because no one else would want us

• “Do as I say, not as I do” , “Children should be seen & not heard”… trained us to obey authority, no matter how stupid or cruel
• “Don’t think for yourself” , “You’re stupid & will never amount to anything”…. which taught us to believe that others are more qualified to tell us what to do & how to be

• “If you don’t like it you have to stay”, “You’re always supposed to suffer”….  insures that we don’t have permission to object or leave
• “I’m not allowed to want anything and I’ll never get what I need – ever!” , “Being close is dangerous”!….. keeps us extra vigilant to deny even normal needs & wants.
First – controlling our awareness, which then gets externalized as a need to control everything & everyone else, in a vain attempt to feel safe.

• “Other people’s needs & feelings are always more important than yours” , “I have no rights” …. makes us afraid to say what we do or don’t want / will tolerate – lest we hurt someone’s feelings or make them angry at us

• “You can never be comforted when in pain” , “Joy, contentment & peace are not an option for you”… keeps us from finding & staying in comfortable, nourishing relationships or environments
• “You deserve to be punished severely for bad things that others do to you (because it’s your fault)”…  allows the controller to reinforce our victim status & keeps us from questioning the validity of their behavior

We let others control us as long as we do not develop a strong Healthy Adult /Parent UNIT to be responsible for leading our Inner Tribe, leaving the job to the WIC & PP.

We give in to others because of
Fear of Abandonment (FoA) – afraid someone is going to leave us (a lover) or take something important away (a job), we act the Victim, trying to twist ourselves into whatever is demanded of us
Hopelessness – ‘learned helplessness’ is the outcome of trauma, so we learned to not even try, even when circumstances are in our favor
Loneliness – that desperate inner emptiness which is actually a left-over from childhood, and in the present is the result of not having a Loving Parent to nurturing ourself, which would heal the WIC

Because of:
Blanking out – ‘leaving our body‘, which shuts our mind off temporarily & makes us not be present at all, so we can’t think or talk – allowing others to push their way into our thoughts & actions, & take over
Co-Dependence – we’re looking for others to tell us who we are, to know how to earn their love by trying to be what we think they want

Ignorance: not knowing what words to actually say to protect & defend ourselves, or push someone away when appropriate
Immaturity – we think when others control us it’s an expression of their love, & we don’t want to be in charge of our own lifealone

Naiveté (denial) – not realizing or not wanting to know – how selfish, narcissistic & unscrupulous some people are, wanting to believe everyone has good intentions or are just doing their best!

Narcissism (ours) – whereby we thoroughly believe that everything others do, say, think or feel – is about us. Very little is!
Perfectionism – we try to be all things to all people to make up for feeling unloved as a child, and to guarantee everyone’s approval

Sensitivity – we are highly attuned to other people’s emotional distress, which we not only absorb (when we don’t have good Bs) but then try to fix, instead of healing our own
Unable – thinking we don’t know how or can’t do anything, so we let others tells us what to do, think & feel.

NEXT: Being controlled #3

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