so nobody can be upset with me!


SITE: Communication Styles & Roles


 (D) – a Twisted form of Spontaneity
STYLE: 0.5% of people will typically use this defense. THEY :
• are often unfocused, what they say or do is un-related to what’s actually going on
• at first they seem like a lot of fun, but gradually one notices that everything they do is not quite relevant, not quite to the point
• become easily confused when stressed, don’t know what to do, so grasp at straws instead of doing something positive
• can come across with a ‘who cares’ attitude, are hungry for attention & deflect responsibility from themselves, other people & situations
• can be silly to talk to, funny or confusing, the way young kids act or when people flirt, so are not taken seriously
• distract themselves & others from painful emotions & events by confusedgetting attention, being amusing &/or a pain in the butt (EXP: pick fluff off a jacket, make ‘deep’ statements, throw objects, tap pencils….)
• ignore Qs or respond by changing the subject, or ask a different Q that’s off-topic. — Others’ reaction : “What’s that got to do with what I just said?”
• react to any kind of threat by going off on a tangent, investing all their energy in side-tracking, hoping it’ll go away if they tap-dance long enough
• they cycle thru the other 3 Roles when under pressure, to look for some relief – one minute Blaming someone for being rude, next Placate, then to Computer mode & then shut off
• use a range of emotions from anger to guilt to avoid an issue OR to manipulate how others feel
• when talking they use generalizations, leave out important facts, shift focus unpredictably from present to past, reality to fantasy, physical to mental issues

Energetic Description (by Dr. Bulbrook)
• block Self out / others & current context, so the flow of energy is irrational & the circuitry can’t get wired up properly.  Not grounded, & not connect spiritually
Potential harm to receiver: they give up trying to relate, unable to have a stable or a positive exchange of energy in the relationship.
OR get tapped into trying to make it ‘all better’, or trying to make them make sense

Statements: “If I break up their concentration, I’ll be safe , If I ignore it, it’ll go away , So, how’s the wether? , Why don’t we just put that aside now & look at something else , Du-du, du-du, du-du….. the Martians are coming!” (Earth to Mary?!)

Stance: They use kinesthetic cues
• asymmetrical position, one hand up, one down, head cocked, maybe standing on one leg or leaning against the wall
• body in motion, tilting a little at various angles, uneven ‘balance’
• smiling wryly, one eyebrow raised, implying “see if you can top this!”
change direction★ takes on body posture of the other 3 Roles when switching modes

Gain Power: by successfully diverting everyone’s attention from unpleasantness
Aim: to evoke a longing in others for fun, so the D. will be tolerated

Reacting to a Distracter: (via NLP) You can use the Computer stance until they switch, then recalibrate to Placater or Blamer. Be careful: using the ‘super reasonable’ attitude can also trigger a stronger Distracter response in them

Reality – THEY: • are convinced that nobody really wants them
• don’t believe they would be heard or respected if they said what they really thought & felt
• just want to evade any confrontation
• think this Role is a relief from stress, but actually leaves them feeling lonely & without meaning or purpose (useless)

Negative :  • the pattern actually serves to create conflict
• their actions are inappropriate for serious situations
• it makes people change the focus of their communication,
fun• it so confuses & annoys others who can’t understand what the Distracter is getting at, that they don’t know how to respond

Positive: • great for flirting & having fun
• can be a powerful strategy in negotiations if the other party is playing hardball, and –
• the D’s stance keeps the other party off balance – their unpredictability makes it seem as if they’ll grab the desired ‘object’ without warning.


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