Year: 2010

WHAT JUST HAPPENED – Intro (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

confused monkey

 

I THINK I GOT BLINDSIDED – but I don’t know how or why!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Listening (#3)


See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


In the AFTERMATH of a difficult / painful / scary experience (A)
Whenever ACoAs have a run-in with another person, our most common T.E.A. reactions afterward are:
(T) MENTAL – confused about what happened, how we got in that situation, what we should have said or done, wish we’d said – about what they actually ‘did’ to us….
(E) EMOTIONAL – ‘freaked’ out, but maybe not clear just what we’re actually feeling, not sure if we should be upset or what’s really bothering us, not wanting to be so aggravated or anxious, not feeling like oneself….

✶ If we’re upset AND don’t understand what happened, we automatically slide into:
(E) feeling guilty for our reaction (maybe breaking a Toxic Rule)
(T) blaming ourselves, thinking we’re weak & stupid for not handling it better…  (S-H, to mask abandonment pain, but not conscious of)
(A) ACTIONS – ‘dealing’ with it by hiding from the other person, ranting to everyone about the event, being overly solicitous (people-pleasing), stop functioning at all…. OR call / text the other person & blow them up, which usually adds to our S-H, guilt & shame.

Start CLARIFYING
• Talk oven the painful event with a healthy trusted person.
• We can also do a lot of work on our own, & feel good about that. It will help to eventually be more ‘present’ in the moment, to feel less like a victim, less scared, vulnerable…
• To that end, it’s useful to identify which ego state we were in when things ‘went wrong’.
• We can also ask ourselves what we observed or already know about the other person (but ignored).

SO:  ‘who’ – inside each participant – was in charge at the time of the incident?
PAC interations• our Wounded Inner Child was in the foreground, or their WIC was
• our Pig Parent (Negative Introject) was acting up, or theirs was

🔹 It’s usually some combination:
– our IC reacting to their PP
– our IC provoking their IC
– their IC bringing out our PP
– their PP stomping on us – leaving our IC mute… (follow the arrows ➡️)

NOTE: It’s a good bet that neither person’s Healthy Adult was available & functioning, or it would have turned out differently. (See ‘EGO STATES‘ posts)

HEALTHY PEOPLE (HP) evaluate themselves & monitor their interactions, and when confronted with an objection or complaint, a question about their behavior &/or hurt feelings – they :
• catch it when their side of the street is not as ‘clean’ as it could be. They’re more likely to acknowledge it & make a correction or give an apology
• are able to hear the other person out, evaluate their own part in it & make whatever adjustments are possible, especially if the other person misunderstood or misread an interchange
• won’t accept blame when it’s not warrantedinventory

In PART 4 there are a series of 30 Qs to ask yourself, to encourage clarity. This set of posts is mainly about our Thoughts (Ts) & Emotions (Es). For suggestions re. Actions (As), review post: “What to DO when confused” & “Noticing Painful Events.”

The inventory can offer a way to break thru both our ignorance of what we’re thinking & feeling (Ts & Es), as well as putting a dent in our blindness about others, especially non-recovering people we’ve been dealing with for a long time.
Since everyone tells us about themselves all the time, it is up to us to pay attention to what we experience & admit “I KNOW WHAT I KNOW” (but I can’t know everything, & I don’t have to know everything to be OK)

NEXT: “What just happened” (#2)

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Neg Benefits #3

SITE: 13 self-destructive pattern to give up

 

NOTE:
Negative Benefits (NG) feed on Toxic family RULES & unhealthy ROLES.

While the focus of this topic is mainly on how our patterns hurt us  – generating painful emotions (Es) & causing many practical problems (As) – we can also notice that acting on our Toxic Beliefs (Ts) will show up when we interact (As) with others, hurting them as well. Continuing to protect the Negative Benefits of our defenses impacts every part of our life.

REVIEW – Negative Benefits are:
❎ defenses used in an attempt to get wished-for outcomes which:
• we never got as kids, SO still want, need, demand – no matter what!
• we’re not allowed to have free & clear, so can’t get met in healthy ways

Some wished-for but disallowed, needs & wants:
• to be loved for who we are – unconditionally, to get lots of attention
• to be respected, to be desired, to have positive companionship (not be alone)
• to be comforted when in pain, to feel safe, to relax
• to express intelligence & creativity
• to be heard, to be praised for talents & accomplishments….

GOAL of N.B. – Sneakily trying to get around our self-hate & the PP in whatever creatively twisted way we can concoct, RATHER than doing the long, hard work of cleaning out the damage (REMEMBER : we’re damaged, not defective).  Unfortunately, by avoiding the ‘work’ we just dig the abandonment hole deeper.

• What results then is that we fall into or choose lifestyles which actually PREVENT us from gathering positive benefits (Being Loved), no matter how much we may want them.
In place of the real thing, we keep finding complicated, abusive ways to OBEY the bad Rules – on our own & by continuing to interact with our unhealthy family, &/or with other unavailable & abusive people as family substitutes – who we hate but are afraid to leave

GIVING UP NEGATIVE BENEFITS
Preconditions
• a mental willingness & psychological capacity to re-experience childhood emotional pain – remembering that “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”
• get into the right kind of therapy, Recovery programs & other support systems, books / podcast / blogs…. – to understand what actually happened back then (be validated)
• COURAGE, & great patience to chip away at damage, slowly over time

Requirements
• Find out what Your defensive strategies are. They’re so enmeshed with our every waking moment it’s hard to see them. “Does a fish know it’s wet?”
• Learn healthy, alternative ways of getting Your needs met, & then practice them a little at a time

• “Stick to the plan” when the going gets tough. No one grows in a straight line. There are always detours, regressions & delays. We may:
— hit a plateau when it doesn’t seem like anything is changing. This can just be a needed rest – even if it takes months
— change strategies, tryIng different forms of therapy, spirituality, supportive groups ….
— stop working on yourself completely for a time (hopefully not years), to deal with starting a family, career changes, illness & death….. OR simply from running away

We can:courage:
• develop the “UNIT” (Healthy Adult/Parent”) to form a loving relationship with the Inner Child / Children (wounded & healthy), creating trust & safety

• gradually give up our self-hate (thoughts & actions). Since our most rigid defenses are basically forms of S-H, many of them will diminish as we come to value ourselves, because they won’t be needed to hold down old hidden information & pain.
We can:
• grow appropriate boundaries to keep from getting enmeshed with others or from being stepped on / run over / invaded…..
• have some kind of spiritual practice, to calm & sustain us
=== AND remember that all of this takes a lifetime to unravel.

❤️ Be Patient & Loving toward yourself in the PROCESS.  We know it’s hard to give up our old ways! None of them go away completely, but the Positive Benefits of growth begin to outweigh the damage, so we feel better & live better!

NEXT: “What just happened” Part 1

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

attitude 

YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WHAT?
I’d rather do it my way!

PREVIOUS:   Negative Benefits (Part 2)

SEE posts:“Denial & Acting out”
“The UNIT: Healthy Adult, Loving Parent”

PMES = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual

DENIAL & RESISTANCE
Why do we keep blanking on what we’ve learned in Recovery?  Because even ACoAs who are sincere about self-growth – have a powerful built-in forgetter, pounded in place by our family. We can hear the same thing over & over, & still….

So, when clients are asked* some basics of ACoAs damage & recovery, such as:
a. “What is self-hate & why did we develop it?”
b.  “What do we need to have in place in order to have good boundaries?”
c. “How does this problem of anxiety relate to your childhood?”
d. “Why do you need to stay vague about your finances?” …..
…. they often give a blank stares & shrug, even after years of Program & therapy!

• ACoAs are not stupid people.  In spite of ADD, depression, hormone imbalances or other issues – we remember lots of other things – like how to do our jobs, how to surf the web, how to buy a house or car, how to expend lots of futile energy giving great advice to friends, lovers, family – that we don’t use for ourselves ….. but NOT what we’ve learned about our own damage OR about mental health!  adults-acting-childish
(adults acting like school kids  —>)

So if we want to keep growing, it’s very important to keep looking for the unhealthy payoffs (same as NB) behind our self-defeating patterns.

✶ ANSWERs to the above Qs :

a. If we did understand what S-H is truly about, it would be harder & harder to maintain. THEN we’d have to deal with the intense pain & rage of the many ways we were neglected, abused & abandonment by our family.

NB: Keep all that swept under the rug – locked away in a dark room of our unconscious.  The WIC thinks that if you ignore something scary, it doesn’t exist.  Too bad it doesn’t work that way!

b. To have good boundaries we need to:
1) know what our needs are
2) give ourselves permission the actually have those need
3) actively go about meeting those needs, a day at a time.
It would mean disobeying fundamental Toxic Rules, taking care of ourselves, not staying a victim (which we were originally) & stop waiting to be rescued

NB: Not have to be in charge of our own life – not ‘grow up’ emotionally, & face angry or fearful reactions from our family & ‘friends’ if we were to get better (we think it prevents getting abandoned – but that has already happened by those people!)S-H

c. Identifying how each problematic situation / relationship / emotion / pattern – in our life mirrors our childhood (S-H) would mean having to face what our parents were really like, what they did to us, what they didn’t provide…. which IS reflected in how we treat ourselves now.  We’d have to break many illusions & feel the deep hurt & longing of our eawrly years

NB: Not have to do an extensive written family inventory, to look at these realities on a deeper level – even when we think we’ve dealt with our issues or that we already know all about what happened.

d. To stop being vague about anything (our finances, time, our emotions, our knowledge…) means identifying the Toxic Messages we’re still obeying, feeling the old terror & having to take full responsibility for our actions in the present. S & I = becoming your own person, the one you were born to be, minus your damage!

NB: Not having to fully acknowledge knowing how bad it was growing up, not dealing with our accumulated old pain, not having to separate from the dysfunctional system we grew up in — which the WIC thinks means abandoning them, & us being alone forever!

NEXT: Neg benefits #4

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 2)

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annoyanceHOW CAN A BENEFIT BE NEGATIVE?
I think you’re just messing with me!

PREVIOUS: Negative Benefits (Part 1)

 

 

Examples of
How NEGATIVE BENEFITs (N.B.) keep us from healing
a. NOT have to GROW UP, be responsible
PATTERN: Many ACoAs stay isolated, severely under-earning, unloved, unproductive, living in dirty, immaturecluttered environments, joy-less, suicidal…
OR focus all their attention on taking care of others, so they can look ok, the good guy/gal – but are also depressed, full of shame, self-hate & hidden anger

N.B. … STAY SICK rather than develop S & I, which is letting go of the symbiotic attachment to their cruel upbringing & becoming their True Self

b. NOT have to face OLD PAIN (life & death)
PATTERN: A woman was forced to take care of her filthy, violent, mentally ill mother from age 10, when her father abandoned them. At age 45 she finally put her mother in a home & promptly developed Scleroderma as a guilt/ stress reaction. Eventually she became bed-ridden, with excruciating migraines, barely able to make logical sense – although she had been an intelligent & talented artist.
She spent her last 25 yrs isolated, depressed, with almost no practical self-care, filled with shame about every aspect of her life.
Occasionally she was in contact with her father who had remarried another cruel woman. When he died at age 96 – the daughter went into a rapid decline & died alone, in less than a year…

N.B. … rather than emotionally re-experience & process the horrors of being an only child of a passive, depressed father & violent, psychotic mother (left the infant with souring baby bottles & soiled diapers…..)
Therapy helped diminish her self-hate, but she was never able to go deep enough to heal the rage, sorrow & loneliness held in her body

c. NOT have to feel LONELINESS Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 8.11.37 AM
PATTERN: Many ACoAs over-work, care-take, self-medicate with sex / social media / addictions, hanging on to bad relationships no matter how harmful….. One woman stayed with her very abusive husband for 35 yrs, until he died. Instead of creating a life for herself (at 62) – she too died – 8 months later!

N.B. … rather than face the emotional & practical stresses of being alone, having to feel the emptiness of loss and old abandonment, & having to care for herself, deal with finances……

d. NOT have to TAKE CARE of oneself
PATTERN: A competent, creative woman in her 50‘s developed chronic pain from an auto-immune illness.  on strike
Q. put to her: “Are you willing to give this pain up?”  Inner Child answered ‘NO’ – because = being disabled was ‘getting taken care of, legitimately’.  She was tired of doing it all on her own – carrying the burden of the Hero Role. Her Kid wasn’t allowed to be nurtured, but this way she could get practical help, be felt sorry for, lauded for soldiering on….

N.B. … rather than having to continue taking care of herself, which she’d been doing her whole life as an only child of a cruel narcissistic mother & distant, depressed father

e. NOT have to DISOBEY toxic FAMILY RULES
PATTERN 1: A beautiful, bright young woman in the big city was put under an unbearable family demand to continue rescuing her “poor, suffering mother & sisters” (who had always treated her cruelly) – by regularly sending them all her earnings.  Feeling obligated but very resentful, she made sure to only work at menial jobs she hated (under-earning) & live on as little as possible – so she could ‘honestly’ say she didn’t have any $$ to send!

N.B. … rather than say “I’m sorry, but I can’t take care of you any more, I have to live my own life!”, then face her guilt & their scorn (abandonment) – which had already happened, of course! don't disobey

PATTERN 2:  In his culture, a Native American man was taught that to be an active artist, one must drink.  No alcohol – no creativity! No argument! He always wanted to write plays & get them published, but got deep into alcoholism. Before it could kill him, he got sober.  5 yrs later he still hadn’t ‘picked up a pen’. He was stuck, & miserable.

N.B. … rather than go against (separate from) a national culture, not just his family – but the whole tribe!  Talk about abandonment!

NEXT: Negative Benefits (Part 3)

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

neg.benefitsYOU CAN’T MAKE ME GIVE THIS UP !
I’d rather be miserable than face that pain!

PREVIOUS: “They did the best they could”

SITE: 10 Worst Habits for Mental  Health

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

INTRO
Negative Benefits (NB) is a new concept for many people. A web search found nothing about this important idea.  When clients are asked what they get out of continuing a harmful behavior or thought pattern, they usually say “I don’t get anything out of it – it’s just what I know, a habit”.  They’re indignant that they’re even asked.  They only hear the word ‘benefit’ & can’t imagine that anything self-destructive can have a reward!

• Familiarity & habit are not the only reasons destructive patterns persist. The deeper truth is that we DO get something from hanging on to those old ways of acting & thinking – they’re a form of protection (defense mechanisms) against facing childhood issues that feel too terrifying to deal with.

So yes, they provide us with Negative Benefits. In reality the ‘protection’ they seem to offer comes at a high price – in grief, in more abandonment, shame, self-hate, loneliness, ill-health, bad relationships, depression, lost opportunities…. yet we protect them with our life, literally, until we do enodefensesugh FoO work to not need them – as much.
SO – to understand what Negative Benefits (NB) are, we have to start with:

DEFENSES
These are unconscious human psychological strategies our mind develops to protect us from having to deal with painful traumatic realities we can’t handle.
They’re also used to maintain our self-image – a mental picture of ourself we can live with, in the face of inner conflicts – between what we think we are & what we wish we were.

• Everyone needs defenses to manage. However, when we experience long-term stress as children our defenses become rigid armor & walls, which are hard to penetrate & hard to dissolve. They’re expressed in the form of Character Defects – self-defeating behavior patterns which can be seen as forms of Self-hate, SUCH AS:
😱 abusive behavior, being controlling, closed-minded, co-dependent, dishonest, isolating, negative thinking / pessimism, narcissism, perfectionism, prejudice, resentment, rationalizing, selfishness, self-justification…..(Immature)

• These T.E.A. patterns sustain our denial by protecting against old pain:
— (E)motional: our abandonment terror, deadly loneliness, murderous rage, profound hopelessness, terrible longing for the impossible….
— (T) Mental: a deep-level KNOWING that they weren’t there for us, &/or tortured & neglected us, which was potentially lethal & which the WIC still believes can destroy it.
So, no matter how self-destructive or lala a defensive pattern is – we will do almost anything to hold on to it – even in Recovery – because:

a. the WIC is in charge of our inner life, until we develop the UNIT, the Healthy & Loving Inner Parent with must replace the PP’s bad voice ( Introject)

b. AND, the kid is beyond-convinced that our long-time defenses are not as life-threateningly dangerous (bad for us) as what’s underneath, hidden in our unconscious

• REVIEW: dysfunctional patterns ‘protect’ us from facing what we consider unbearable knowledge (T) & terrifying emotions (E) from the past, as well as having to deal realistically with functioning (A) in the present. They represent Freud’s ‘Repetition Compulsion’, which is so evident in the lives of most ACoAs. Yes, the pain accumulated from childhood is bad, but not dealing with it cripples or kills us in so many PtraumaMES ways

➼ In simplest terms, the main reasons we hang on to the old ways with both fists, as if it were a life-preserver is:
1. because our brain has been programmed from birth, & those grooves (neural pathways) are very deep. It takes LOTS of knowledge, repetition, perseverance & patience to make new, stable grooves
2. since our WIC believes it needs the psychological negative benefits to survive – it will take a lot of time & effort to develop the new UNIT that can take over the reins from the WIC & PP.

NEXT: Negative Benefits EXAMPLES (Part 2)

“They Did the Best They Could” (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs

 

PREVIOUS: They did the best…. #2

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

 

Part 1. General info, Denial
Part 2. Denial – Problem & Reality

3. AWARENESS INVENTORIES
Staying in denial keeps us stuck.  Accurate information is the beginning of change, because we need to stop pretending everything was “not so bad”. If we can be totally honest with ourselves, YOU CAN :

a. Make a list of all the ways they hurt your feelings, disappointed you, let you down, made life harder for you, said mean things, were disrespectful, demanded too much of you, didn’t help you learn … past & present (“5 Harmful Mothers”)mean mother
EXP: One lady said that when she told her aunt about her recent marriage, the aunt said: “Oh yeah, your mother mentioned it. She wondered how you got such a nice guy!”  GRRRR

b. If possible, talk to anyone (safe) who knew your family when you were young, & ask their honest feedback about that they saw & heard.  If not, then ask anyone who has dealt with them more recently
EXP: Another woman, in denial about how neglectful her mother had been, was talking to her oldest friend about those early years. Her friend said “Oh yeah, don’t you remember all the times she just left you alone to go out with her boyfriends?  I even told you then it wasn’t ok!”

c. Make a detailed inventory of all your adult mates, lovers, bosses, friends….. identifying what they all have in common, to see what you’re attracted to (how much are they like your family?) That will tell us your pattern of reproducing your upbringing
EXP: A young woman grew up a nice middle class family who were socially active, well dressed, not highly educated but practical & intelligent, generally admired & well liked.
journalOn the surface all looked great, but behind the scenes, much psychological, spiritual & emotionally damage was being done – which was not acknowledged or dealt with. After all, they were “doing the best they could”!  (Hint: Both parents were unrecovered ACoAs)
THEN:
When the girl finally got out on her own, she ‘went wild’ & fell in with angry, disappointing friends, worked at inappropriate jobs & dated alcoholics. Most people treated her much worse than her parents had, so she must be crazy. Right? Only on the surface. Actually, she unconsciously found situations which expressed the inner reality of her home life – bringing to light the hidden abuse.

For expl: She realized that….
✓ …. her secret goal in life was to be dead! She remembered the first time she wished she were – at age 10.  At 13 she told her parents & they just shook their head. In her 20s she acted that out with dangerous men who had the potential to kill her, since she’d never do it herself

✓At 16 she found a high school Psych Class list of psychotic / schizophrenic characteristics, thinking it identified her (NOT), & was brushed aside by her father

✓ She believed her greatest ‘character defect’ was her need for love. After all, if she never felt loved & definitely didn’t deserve it – why was she still chasing it? What a fool!

✓ She hated herself for being ‘so dramatic‘ & intense. Her mother often claimed she herself was perfect, & was glad she wasn’t sensitive like her kids. SO, one way to be acceptable & ‘good’ was to not FEEL, which this young woman couldn’t do, being artistic & emotional.
✶ With therapy & Program she was eventually able to undo much of the damage & claim her natural self.

4. RECOVERY
• You may still think they did the best they could – but it wasn’t good depressed s-henough to prevent seriously wounding you & your siblings
• The sad, enraging truth is that our family carelessly dumped their damage on us, & now we’re stuck having to clean up their mess. Unfair!! screams the WIC
• The important question is whether of not we’re willing to do the hard work of healing. There’s much to rage & mourn about.
For most of us, Recovery is long & stressful, but do-able, and WE are WORTH IT, even if our family didn’t think so.

NEXT: “Negative Benefits….” #1

“They Did the Best They Could” (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

denial  PREVIOUS : They did the best … (#1)

 

First – Review Part 1

2. DENIAL : Re. US (cont.)
i. PROBLEM
We want to ‘forgive’ without going thru the process of healing!
• Most of our parents may not have been evil – although some definitely were, & some things they did are unforgivable.
And some ACoAs determined to ‘have it out’ with a parent or other abuser, or try to explain our experience & point of view. So we’ve tried, over & over, but got flat denial or more abuse. It’s been an absolute waste of time – they don’t want to know!repetition compulsion

➼ Motivation
WHY do we want to approach them about the pain they caused? Usually it’s because the WIC wants to do the impossible – change them, get them ‘to see’, force them to admit their culpability, OR just hurt them back….
ii. REALITY
• our WIC is still in deep shock. We need to identify & validate those early experiences before we can let ‘move on’. Until then, our life is run by our damage
• we are very angry at them. We need to feel it, but only in safe ways & places, away from them – with people who can hear our pain & don’t have a stake in shutting us up
• we need a clear picture of the toxic lessons we learned, so we know what to change
• we have to stop wanting our unavailable family’s approval & love, since they can’t because they haven’t dealt with their early damage, & probably never will.
As adults, some of us have a better relationship with parts of our family, but most don’t. We have to accept that or we’ll keep feeling devastated

• we can’t afford to exonerate them, to white-wash the abuse & neglect.  It’s what they taught us to do – to never hold them accountable.  SO now we don’t hold others accountable either for bad behavior, letting ourselves be exploited

➼ WHY is this this process important? Because – as long as we negate their responsibility, we take it on as ours.
We need to see the truth, not them, so we can stop copying old patterns (Freud’s Repetition Compulsion)

• This bears repeating – self-hate tells us we always cause all our suffering – old & new. This is a lie.  Just think – our parents were fully formed & set in their ways before we were born, no matter how young they were. We could not possibly have been bad enough as ages 2, 5, 10…. to warrant the neglect, punishments & accusations we got! It was their damage, their rage, their abandonment pain, their addictions, their anxiety – NOT US!

BTW, sometimes it’s OK to talk with family members – if they are willing, to ANSWER questions about :
— what they remember about us as kids, & their early experiences with us (be specific)
— about a parent’s childhood & life before having us kids

Also ASK our siblings what their experiences were in our family, & how they saw things back then.
It can be very helpful, because each kid’s experience is different, which can round out our understanding of what we lived thru.

• And ask parents to LISTEN to:
– what WE remember (good, but mostly bad)
– how we felt back then, and now
– what we needed & missed
– how we’d like to be treated in the present…..

….. BUT ONLY when we’ve done some rage work, to approach them with equanimity & boundaries, and without the expectation that they’ll change, understand or respond ‘sanely’!
It’s not about punishing them NOR getting them to see our point!
So – what would be the point?

✶ The main purpose is for the Inner Child (both wounded & healthy) to have our Adult help us become visible, to stand up for ourselves, to finally have our say, no matter what the outcome. We we voiceless as kids, but not anymore!
EXP:  After may years of Recovery, one woman sat at the kitchen table for 2 hrs, calmly telling her narcissistic mother what she’d learned about her childhood.
At the end the mother’s only comment was: “So you’re saying I should never have been a mother”.
“Yes” responded the daughter, unfazed & without guilt – even tho that’s not what she’d said or implied. Then they went about making dinner. Amazing!

NEXT: They did the best…. #3

“They Did the BEST They Could” (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

they did the best... 

YES, I WAS HURT BY MY FAMILY,
but they were hurting too, poor things!

PREVIOUS: Results of abuse – #2

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

1. GENERAL
This is a commonly used phrase – in & out of Program – mainly in the service of the speaker’s denial!
You may at first think this post is harsh or unfair, BUT please remember that everything our parents were  – WE internalized into our Negative Introject.
As long as we deny how harmful their actions were toward us – we will continue doing the same to ourselves, mistreat others AND let others mistreat us in many of the same ways! ( Self-hate’).

How is this phrase usually meant? That that no matter how cruelly, crazily…. our family may everything's OK ??have continually acted, to each other & us, even to this day – it was the ‘best’ they could manage.
It implies that they :
• used all possible resources to cope
• could NOT have done any better
• meant well, even if they didn’t show it
• really tried, in spite of falling short
• didn’t have any other options ….

In most of our families NONE of these are true – OR if true in part, it was a very small part – not enough to help us as kids!

2. DENIAL
a. THEM: This phrase is usually said by adults, about their parents – but only by people who had painful childhoods! You won’t hear a happy, well-adjusted person needing to even think this, much less say it!

The BEST they could? If our parents were verbally cold, controlling, cruel & insensitive, narcissistic, neglectful, not comforting, drunk, demanding, abusive, addicts, raging….  That was the BEST they could DO? Really?

NO. The most we could say is that they:
• chose the ‘easiest way out’,  just didn’t care enough to bother, or were self-righteous about their parenting style (“Spare the rod, spoil the child”) – anything to not take to look at themselves & the effect they had on their children & others
• did what any addict would (not just alcohol, but also food, shopping, raging, gambling, exercise, TV, sports, religion….) – everything possible to not deal with their responsibilities & emotions

• did what was done to them. Yes, but most never bothered to change. One mother, when confronted, kept saying – “But there weren’t any books about this stuff when you were little”! Except the daughter knew mom never bothered with anything deep, ever. She only read ‘Readers Digest” & watched soap operas! AND, there were some books, & people she could have asked to help. But she ‘was never wrong’!

• refused to get whatever help that was available to them at the time (AA & NO to helpAl-Anon have been around for over 50 yrs, psychologists even longer).  One mother admitted she wouldn’t be caught dead going to a therapist. Another was begged repeatedly by her daughter to go to Al-anon, but always blatantly refused

• were neglectful – some of us had a parent with a genuine mental illness – but others in the family denied the problem & did little or nothing to seek out solutions that were possible at the time, if not for the sick adult, then at least for us kids
EXP: More than one CoA was left alone for years to deal with a drunk, suicidal or psychotic parent

b. US: On the surface, when ACoAs say this phrase we mean the ‘General’ qualities listed above (from denial).  Under that, we’re really saying that we :
• can’t afford, emotionally & mentally, to admit how badly we were treated
• still believe we caused or deserved the terrible things they did / didn’t do
• “understand” why they acted that way, intellectually – so we don’t have to FEEL the hurt, sadness, frustration, rage, disappointment….

—–> And here’s the kicker:  we’re saying that – since “they did the best they could” – we can’t possibly be angry at them! Saying that we forgive them is actually our way of exonerating them. – not holding them accountable.

OK, so what’s wrong with that? Yes, it is the ultimate goal of mental health to let go of our anger, detach with love – or indifference, to forgive, outgrow our need for them… BUT…… (cont. in #2)

NEXT: “They did the best they could” (Part 2)

WHAT IS SHAME? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

SHAME IS OVERWHELMING
– all I can do is hide!

PREVIOUS: Shame – #1

POST: Emotional NEEDS….

SEE Acronym page for abbrev.

IN CHILDHOOD (Part 1)

IN ADULTHOOD
ACoAs’ core toxic rule : “DON’T HAVE NEEDS!”
We feel shame WHEN:
▪︎ anyone gets too close, emotionally
▪︎ anyone shows us kindness, respect, caring
▪︎ we do something a little foolish in publicScreen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.10.11 PM
▪︎ we allow ourselves to have feelings of love for someone
WHEN
▪︎ we don’t know something which seems common knowledge
▪︎ we don’t try to do something, whether we can or not
▪︎ we find out our expectations of someone are not realistic
▪︎ we try something new, & don’t get it right the first time
▪︎ we want to be paid attention to, but get smacked down or ignored….

ANY NEED that was ignored, abused or made fun of in the past :
⚡️ is now completely suppressed, so we’re not even aware of it
OR
⚡️ we’re vaguely aware, so keep trying to get it met, but only in VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL ways (obeying old rules, so it can be refused, punished, or have bad consequences),
OR
⚡️ we wait endlessly for someone else to notice the needs – as long as we DO NOT ask for it
OR
⚡️ we manipulate dysfunctional others into providing it for us
ALSO
⚡️ we can’t receive anything good without having to ‘pay’ for it somehow, even when it’s given freely & without strings !
⚡️ we mistreat, abuse or leave anyone who consistently treats us with respect & kindness
⚡️ we prevent anyone from knowing that we have needs, as we suffer in silence

RECOVERY from SHAME:
This a deep & long process, requiring much help from H.P. along with kind & knowledgeable humans.
We can:
✶ start by identifying all NEEDS, common to all human beings
✶ allow for emotional discomfort, be angry, confused, scared, face frustrating delays, have internal backlash, hear discouraging comments, regress to old ways…..
✶ continually give ourselves permission to HAVE these needs
AND
✶ identify actions & non-actions that prevent meeting them correctly
Live Long & Prosper✶ identify people, places & things who can help with this
✶ list actions to DO, to meet those needs
✶ list which ones were not allowed, in order of intensity
✶ patiently, slowly RISK changing old patterns

✶ NEVER STOP improving:
• never, never deny having needs, whether you can get them met – or not
• observe the results of your healthier actions, & compare benefits with old outcomes
• participate in any spiritual practice which fits
• replace inappropriate people & places
• read helpful material, attend suitable recovery programs or groups
• try out new actions to see what works or doesn’t
• validate & reinforce any improvements & positive results

GRANDIOSITY vs HEALTHY SHAME
• Unhealthy Shame ‘holds hands‘ with grandiosity, which makes us totally believe we can do way more than is humanly possible, or that we’re capable of / have the skill to do it. It’s therefore a defense against deep feelings of powerlessness, carried over from childhood

• Healthy shame is the reverse – the antidote to grandiosity (John Bradshaw : “Healing the SHAME that Binds You”).
It allows us to acknowledge & accept that we have realistic LIMITS & capacity, because of:
— being human, & therefore can’t be perfect
— not having been appropriately nurtured & cared for, in childhood
— our genetic inheritance, providing pre-conditions & tendencies for physical, mental & emotional capacities (pluses & minuses)
— our native personality, reacting to & molded by all our early experiences
— our socio-economic, religious & educational background / environment
Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 5.56.29 PMPositive – To have self-esteem, children need to be:
• admired & applauded for the things they do well
• patiently taught how to do things
• respectfully corrected for errors or lapses
• treated with patience for the things they cannot do, especially when it’s because they’re too young yet, but will be able to eventually –  or because they have a learning disability.
Screen Shot 2015-07-16 at 3.38.36 PM

Embracing realistic limitations does not mean that we can’t heal & achieve!
It does mean that we spend the ‘first half’ – or so – of our life repeating all the bad stuff we learned, & then spend the rest of it fixing the damage that was originally done to us.
It’s not fair – but it can be done!  THEREFORE: PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE !!

NEXT: “They did the best they could” #1

WHAT is SHAME? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


THE BAD SEED
I was born bad & I’ll always be bad

PREVIOUS: What is Guilt?

 

While guilt is mainly about negative actions,
SHAME is about our IDENTITY – about who we are, fundamentally.

🔹 It tells us that our very essence is bad, unlovable, unacceptable – to be eliminated. It makes us:
• want to hide, isolate, not talk, try to be invisible
• want to be dead! The pain of shame is so great & the conviction that we’re un-redeemable is so deep (not worth saving), that it eliminates Hope. Why bother even trying!
OR
• we overcompensate – by acting superior, controlling, out-doing, knowing ‘everything’, never showing ‘weakness’ (grandiosity), shaming others…..

➼ SHAME is connected to our NEEDs, rather than actions – specifically – each need we had as a child which was neglected, punished & made fun of.
Consider how many needs children have, & how many of them were met with abuse or not at all – you can imagine how huge our shame quotient is !!

➼ BTW, most of us focus on the need for love, & while it is crucial, the need for safety is even more basic! We can’t begin to take in love, even when it’s available, if we’re terrified.

IN CHILDHOOD:
a. Being Ashamed – Children admire, even idealize their parents when they’re quite small. They need to do this to feel safe – to know they can rely on those people to be competent & available to them. It helps to compensate for the child’s extreme dependence & vulnerability.
✶ In reasonably healthy families, children gradually come to understand that their parents are human, fallible, imperfect – BUT still basically trustworthy & decent role models.

● But in dysfunctional families, one or more adults act out their damage ⬅️ 
All of these & more, make children feel ashamed of their family (the chaos, the craziness, the cruelty) – & by extension themselves, as members of that group.
A sense of pride in themselves & their parents is eroded & shattered.
This is devastating. That feeling is then carried, like a canker sore in our spirit, into adulthood.

b. Being Shamed – Children in damaged families are:
▪︎ expected to know or do the impossible
▪︎ insulted about ones gender, looks, tastes, interests….
▪︎ punished, yelled at, hit, humiliated – in public
▪︎ pushed to do things when too young & then punished for ‘failing’
▪︎ teased & made fun of for many things  (anger disguised with toxic humor)
▪︎ treated unfairly, abused & then punished for crying, being upset or getting angry at the mistreatment
▪︎ yelled at, attacked, harangued – often for nothing specific or obvious

These & many other ways of shaming have been called soul murder. It represents parents’ lack of love & respect for themselves & so for their children, who stand in for their own Inner Child. Their dysfunctions negate / abuse the needs that all children have.
EXP of NEEDS : be paid attention to & heard, feel safe & loved, find out who they are as individuals, grow & learn at their own pace, know they can depend on their caretakers, look up to their parents, treated with respect, to LIVE, prosper & succeed….

➼ Many or all of these NEEDS became SHAMEFUL !
We conclude that if the adults hated these needs, then they’re bad (& us for still having them). So they must be suppressed, better yet Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 6.28.55 PM– eliminated, no matter how deep & persistent they may be.

EXP: After hearing the 4th Step in Al-Anon (“Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves’), one member suddenly realized:
☁︎ his #1 toxic rule was: “I should be dead !”
☁︎ most shamed need was for love. “ I thought that was my greatest character defect!
After all, the constant message was that he wasn’t lovable – so he must be a fool to keep wanting it – which he does, desperately!”

In Recovery he learned that this & all his needs were legitimate, universal & his RIGHT, & so he was able to reject the need to die, & could start loving himself.
(The 12-Steps – comments & videos)

NEXT: Shame (Part 2)