setting healthy boundaries

Forming Boundaries – with OTHERS (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

THIS IS SO MUCH WORK!
But I feel better when I enforce my Boundaries

PREVIOUS: Repairing your Boundaries

POST: “Boundaries DEFINED”


FORMING Boundaries (Bs) with OTHERS 
1. For OURSELF (previous)

2. In Relation to OTHERS
a.  Find a support system to help with follow-through.  No one can to go from weak to strong Bs instantly or easily, just because we heard a lecture or read a book. We need people who will remind us of our value, encouraging us to maintain & enforce our limits

b. Use an ACoA therapist, Al-Anon & ACA meetings & other resources – to identify & examine the underlying causes of your unhealthy Bs. While we may have an extensive knowledge of our background, we often need an experienced listener to tag distorted life-patterns that are so automatic we don’t even notice

c. Look for role models & other examples of healthy Bs in your life & in media (TED Talks, podcasts….).  In any situation that challenges your Bs, take a minute to ask: “What would my role model say or do?”
If they’re part of your life, ask them, but don’t assume that what’s good for them must be good for you. Try a variety of yes & no Bsoptions & come to your own conclusions. One size does NOT fit all

d. Identify specific people who YOU will:
— not tolerate any violations from (they’ve already proven to be dangerous, narcissistic, disrespectful…)
— give some leeway to, because usually they’re loving, kind, respectful, AND it’s not realistic to expect anyone to be perfect

e. Educate others on ways you want your Bs to be respected, by clearly stating them. Never assume that people know them. Bs need to be spelled out in detail, & for some people you may even have to write them down. Do not expect others to read your mind, even if they already know you

f. Sit down with each person you have a problem with & let them know what you need & don’t want from them. Try to get their agreement to honor your Bs.
Insist that everyone talk to you with respect – no more digs, making fun of, criticisms, controlling comments…. no matter what. That does NOT mean you lack a sense of humor !

talking @ Bs• With other adults : even if you get a verbal agreement, stay alert for how they actually treat you.
If they repeatedly can’t or won’t honor your request – limit your time with them, or end the relationship, after trying one more time.
You decide when to let go of them, based on the cost to you!
• With kids or teens, work out a plan to help them comply, using methods suggested by a Child Psychologist, or from books & online articles

g. Clearly state the consequences for violating your Bs, BUT NOT until you’re sure you can follow thru! Addicts & codependents have a tendency to violate Bs (deliberately or unconsciously is not the point) & Invaders will always test us, like 2-yr olds, trying to wear you down to get their way

⭐︎ Be ready to stand your ground, to prove you’re serious. How well you can manage that will depend on how strong your Inner Adult has become (in the UNIT)

h. Be consistent & persistent about confronting & enforcing violations, & do is as coolly as possible – even though it can be very tiring or enraging at first
It’s most effective when you don’t over-react emotionally, but come from the Healthy Adult Ego State. Otherwise people can just write you off as bitchy or crazy, especially if they want an excuse for their bad behaviorclear Bs

• If a particular wound in you is still unhealed – you’ll have a strong reaction to feeling abandoned or disrespected, making you anxious & angry
• If you have healthy Bs, you can speak up for yourself & then move on to someone or something else.
It’s not up to you to convince people how wrong they are. Your self-respecting actions will make the statement.

EXP: If someone is chronically late to meet you, tell them that if it continues, you won’t wait more than 15 minutes. Be sure you always have a plan B for yourself. WHEN they’re late again, do NOT wait. They’ll see you mean business – whether they change or not, & then they can decide how to act.

NEXT: Having Bs with OTHERS (Part 2)

REPAIRING Boundaries – with SELF

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

Bs OY, ANOTHER PROCESS!
It’s so much work – but I need it

PREVIOUS : Healthy Bs, #2

REVIEW Boundaries Defined // Source / / Info

SITE : “Setting Bs with Oneself”


REPAIRING Damaged Boundaries (Bs)
The source of unhealthy Bs comes from our upbringing. As a result – in the present – it’s a lack of self-worth, not believing we have any rights.
“SIEVES” (leaking from damaged or non-functioning Bs) are trying to gain value by trying to please others, so they let everyone invade their space, obeying Toxic Rules like “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”

1. FOR YOURSELF
a. Form a clear sense of your personal values.
b. Identify specific ways your WEAK Bs are unproductive & self-defeating, & write down how they show up in your life. Think of ‘character defects’ as expressions of Self-Hate

c. Notice the fear-based beliefs that reinforce your resistance to change (CDs & Toxic Rules).  List specific ones that apply to you & how you act them out (talking & doing)

d. Identify all POSITIVE Bs that are important to you (5-15 items). These may shift over time, so stay current.
List at least 1 B. from each PMES category that you:
— absolutely will not compromise on, because they’re CORE
— can afford some wiggle room on, because they’re not as crucial to your comfort & safety

e. Make a “Who Am I?” journal. Have separate pages for PMES sub-headings like – Accomplishments, Education, Natural Qualities, Skills, Strengths, Talents, Tastes, Values …..
Fill in any characteristics that come to mind. Ask others to provide the positive qualities they see in you. Continue adding to it as you see more good things about yourselfself-writing

f. Write letters to yourself encouraging the changes you want to activate, that nurture your right to have healthy Bs.
Include 2-handed conversations with your:
• Wounded Child, about how you’d like to help it heal from S-H
• Healthy Inner Child – about ways you want to support it to be visible & happy
• Pig Parent (Negative Introject) – about how you don’t agree with its lies any more!

g. Make 2 lists of Personal Rights, for yourself & for relationships. Keep them on your phone so you can read them often & also keep hard copies on your mirrors, fridge…. (Qs re. Friends….)rights
Pick one ‘Right’ you’d like to develop & incorporate it into your life for a month. At the end of that time write down what happened & how you feel.
Pick another ‘Right’ & do the same….
Re. “Support” – see next post.

h. Keep a separate journal to record the PMES pain** you feel when you don’t stick to your Bs with others. The idea is to cut thru denial about how it affects you, practically & emotionally.
🥲 This kind of pain is NOT from self-recrimination or fear of rejection. Rather, it is the most basic pain of self-abandonment, reproducing what our parents did to us. Without connecting to our emotions, we keep repeating the old ways – as if they don’t cause more damage. It does!

**A certain level of pain is a useful motivator if it’s not too much. Don’t turn ‘failures’ into S-H, depression & isolation. Identify what led up to each B violation, because you were :hurting
• in a situation which pushed a very big button that’s still unhealed
• still letting the WIC run your life, or at least in certain areas….
• tired, ill or otherwise stressed, so more vulnerable
• unaware there would be problems in a new situation
• with the wrong person who always invades Bs, & who no one can stop

i. Regularly build in time for yourself, away from your job, mate, children, & pets – alone to relax (just veg).
Take space for spiritual growth, self-care, humor, fun & creativity, AND make plans to be with close friends
fun• If you have a hard time saying ‘No’, look for opportunities to practice, without anger if possible, or with anger if that‘s the only way – at first. Eventually people will get used to this change in you. If they don’t, one of you will inevitably let go

• If you have trouble saying “Yes” for one-to-one social events, or anything involving groups, be willing to accept an invitation from time to time. You’ll be uncomfortable, but do the Inner Child book-ending for each situation & see what the realistic outcomes usually are.

NEXT:  Forming  Bs with OTHERS (#1)