integrity

Being TRUSTWORTHY

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being reliable
TRUST ALWAYS STARTS WITH ME –
by honoring my awareness & knowledge

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting (Part 2)

QUOTES: “One who does not act in accordance to the deep voice of his inner conscience can not be honest, truthful, trustworthy, loyal & faithful to anyone.”  ~ Anuj Somany, Indian Poet & Civil Engineer

“A relationship without Trust is like a car with our fuel – it can not move ahead.”∼ Invaji

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

TRUSTWORTHINESS
DEF: Being consistent in what you say & do – the same at work, at home & everywhere else. You don’t pretend to be someone else – you are accountable, reliable, responsible & resourceful. “Consistency reinforces trust.

We first need to be reliable toward our Inner Children. Then we’ll express that quality with others, which gives ACoAs the sense of empowerment we say we want. With an inner assurance & positive outer experiences, it reduces anxiety in ourself & the people we deal with.
Trustworthiness is based on a combination of our natural Personality, shared Values, Skills, Integrity & Good-will – which applies to all types of relationships.

BEING T. requires that WE:
• have mostly stopped obeying the Bad Parent voice & all it’s Toxic Beliefs
• are not driven by Self-Hate
• no longer have to lie in order to hide ourself (from the  ACoA Laundry List )
• be much less afraid of abandonment, so can take reasonable risks
WE:
• have burned off enough rage so we don’t have to take it out on others, no matter how subtly
• don’t need to compel anyone to stay with us, to insist others see us, to prove ourselves….
• are able to hear our own ‘still small voice’ & act on it
• know what our rights, skills & talents are, & not afraid to use them

POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS
Psychological – BE:
• first & foremost honest with yourself, based on self-esteem
• able to resist temptations to hurt others for your benefit
• fair in all your interactions – treat others as you want to be treated
• respectful of people’s point of view, even when you deeply disagree
UNIT in chargeBE:
• concerned for others as individuals who have their own path in life (not ours). It gives insight into why people do things or are the way they are
• empathetic with others’ difficulties whenever possible, without taking care of or fixing them
• sympathetic with others’ humanity – allow for faults & mistakes
• able to communicate accurately, openly & transparently (not manipulative, needy, passive-aggressive, controlling, sullen or using CDs)

Practical – BE:
• dependable, keep your word, follow thru – within reason. Don’t over-commit, try to impress or promise things you can’t deliver or have no control over
• competent and efficient  – not perfect
• consistent and predictable – not controlling or rigid
BE:
• able to keep other people’s secrets & personal information to yourselfgood communiaction
• faithful & loyal to those who’ve earned your trust
• defend or protect others whenever possible
BE:
• able to listen carefully, with an open mind, without losing yourself
• willing to talk about what you personally know or have experienced, rather than spouting facts, exaggerating or being boastful
AND:
• defend or protect others whenever possible
• ask others about what they know & how they feel – do not be arrogant, superior, narcissistic
• share control, when appropriate, encouraging co-operation & allowing yourself to be supported

BENEFITS of being Trustworthy
happy kidRe. US
• We feel good about ourselves, have self-respect & can hold our head high in any situation
HINT: A happy Inner Child makes for a happy Adult!
• It represents good character (requires doing the ‘right’ thing even when it’s costly or risky), which allows us to build a good reputation
• We find & enjoy abundance in any area of life, & connect with others in our search for a satisfying existence

Re. OTHERSfrindly biz wmn
• Being authentic makes us stand out & become known for integrity
• It makes people want to be around us
• Others like dealing with us professionally, are pleased to see us socially & generally feel comfortable around us
• It makes it easier to get others to cooperate on projects & events
• It contributes to making our community & the world a better place

NEXT: ACoAs Rebuilding Trust – #1

HOW to TRUST

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

how to trust 

IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll know who to trust!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting #4


LIE DETECTING
• To safely trust requires a relatively healthy Inner Self we can depend on to correctly evaluate our environment & identify how people, places or things make us feel emotionally & physically (in our gut).
> Safety does not come from being naive, a patsy or unrealistic, which is Over-T.

• Some of us are naturally better at reading body language & have a higher social IQ, while others have to work at it, but it can be accomplished.
When we first meet people we can’t know if they’re going to be honest, dishonest or some mix.  As we get to know them, we’ll be able to tell if they’re reliable, noticing things like verbal inconsistencies & physical cues of lying or evasion

Interesting: Nancy Carter & J. Mark Weber (2010) surveyed a group of MBA students in Toronto & found that 85% believed that cynical people (low-trusting) are better at detecting liars. Scientists then filmed people in fake job interviews, half of whom were told to include some lies. These videos were then shown to the original students.

catch a liarTo everyone’s surprise it was the high-trusting (others) participants (not acoa-type over-trusters) who had the best lie-detecting scores.
They were the most sensitive to deceit, noticing physical giveaways like fidgeting & changes in voice tone & pitch.
The cynics scored the worst, more often ‘hiring’ the participants who had lied – which shows that using skepticism as a defense can be a handicap! (MORE….)

This suggests:
• even though low-trusters will usually assume others are lying to them – perhaps as a project of their own tendency to lie – they’re not very good at actually spotting when others are being dishonest
• because high-trusters are better at spotting lies, they’re less fearful of being duped, making it easier for them to be comfortable in the world & taking social risks. Also, people who are generally predisposed to trusting others are perceived by others to be trustworthy (MORE… )

PRACTICAL TRUST in BIZ comes from assessing someone’s:
a. Ability – basing expectations on some proof that a candidate has the knowledge & skill to function in a way that meets your needs or requirements
EXP: Check their credential & references, give a trial period & then re-evaluate. ONLY ask them for what you KNOW they have to offer from first-hand experience or reliable sourcesContrats

b. Integrity – how well the hired person sticks to principles that are acceptable to you AND that you’ve mutually agreed on, including:
• honoring standards of legality, fairness, excellence…..
• meaning what they say
• a history of follow-thru
This may still require a written contact, to cover unforeseen future changes or difficulties
EXP:  > your spouse keeping their promise of fidelity
> the company you work for provides all stated commitments
> the contractor does the remodeling job, & for the price quoted

c. Respect / Caring – in personal relationships, trust developed over time, so you know the person:
• cares enough about your welfare to either be of help, or at least not get in your way, OR
• has your best interest at heart & their motives are ‘clean’, OR
• will do anything they can (appropriately) to be there for you, thru thick or thin, while still taking care of themselves  (MORE….)

You can Trust SAFE people by ALREADY HAVING the:
• Emotional health to rely on appropriate, safe others (being vulnerable enough), to give them the opportunity to treat you in a fair, open & honest way
• Ability to let safe people into your life & build relationships based on mutual respect, caring & concern, so both can grow & mature independently
• ‘Trust’ glue of good relationships, that allows your True Self to flourish
• Inner assurance of acceptance from the person who you can share secrets with
• Assurance that things are fine between you – so that, come what may – nothing can disrupt the bond you have with each other

BEING ABLEsafe people TO:
• Choose the right people to be supportive & reinforcing, even when you’re ‘weak’ / needy
• Let safe-others know your emotions & reactions, with the confidence they’ll respect you & not take advantage
TO :
• Share your innermost Truth with a few others, with the belief – from experience – they won’t spread it around
• Assume safe-others won’t intentionally hurt or abuse you if you make a mistake
• Open up to let safe-others in on your background, problems, concerns & limitations, assured they won’t cut you off because of them.

NEXT: Being Trustworthy

Principles of Character – Outline

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

self-awarenessTHESE ARE THE QUALITIES
I aspire to, a day-at-a-time

PREVIOUS: “Keep the focus on yourself” means? (Part 2)

POSTs: What is Character ?


PRINCIPLES  —> Values —> Comments useful for Character Education

1. ATTRACTION: Courage, Discernment, Self-awareness
We attract whatever we put our attention to, which makes it bigger. If we don’t do anything to limit destructive impulses, life becomes increasingly difficult for us to control. By staying awake & using discernment, we can see the difference between what’s helping or harming us. Then we need the courage to take steps toward health, by eliminating negative desires that attract chaos into our life. (POST  : ACoAs & Risk“)

2. CAUSE & EFFECT : Accountability, Good Intentions, Restraint
According to the ‘law of the universe’ – for every action there’s an equal re-action. When we realize that we’re accountable for our thoughts, words & actions, we can own what motivates our actions, & recognize the wisdom of reasonable restraint
. calmness(POSTs : “Keep the focus on yourself” and “Fear of Responsibility“)

3. DEVOTION : Concentration, Calmness, Focus
We can connect with Creative Intelligence by taking the time to find our True Self, not the false ego. This can be done by being calm, & concentrating on deeper thoughts, whether through prayer, song, meditation or a walk in the woods. When we focus on Spiritual Principles & actions, we glimpse the Divine

4. FAITH : Trust, Hope, Patience
There is a Loving Intelligence that pervades all things. What’s needed is to hold on to our trust & hope, even when living in the midst of uncertainty. Faith is the willingness to take the next step required without fear or looking back, with the patience to allow Divine Order to work-through our situation without trying to force solutions.. (POST “Lack of Trust and Healthy Trusting“)

5. FORGIVENESS : Compassion, Mercy, Understandingforgiveness
Forgiveness frees us from the damaging image of ourself as a victim. It dissolves the poison of resentment which blocks healing & growth. Choosing a new understanding of our pain & trauma, it gives us the freedom to treat ourself with mercy & compassion, as well as to those who have wronged us. This reconnects us to our Real Self. (many POSTs : …. Forgiveness)

6. GRATITUDE: Generosity, Magnanimity, Appreciation
True Universal Reality provides abundance. When we’re grateful & appreciate what life has to offer, it shows H.P. that we accept whatever’s been given to us, & therefore lacking nothing essential.
To attract more prosperity, feel generous toward all life. This opens the flow of supply into our world – because whatever we give to life returns to us.

7. HARMONY : Optimism, Co-operation, Enthusiasm
copoperationA Universal law : We can choose what attitudes we want to focus on, such as optimism & cooperation, rather than being a victim of painful experiences, It allows being in control of ourself, & having inner quiet.
Enthusiasm means to willingly, happily perform all types of jobs (large or small) which generate beneficial energy, making us far more likely to succeed.

8. HUMILITY : Modesty, Unpretentious, Gentleness
Being modest & un-pretentious keeps us from puffing ourself up with self-importance. God in His own way & time provides us with whatever we need, as we rid ourself of pride, & maintain an attitude of gentleness & acceptance. (POSTs “Humiliation“, and “Arrogance vs Humility”)

9. INTEGRITY : Truthfulness, Courage, Sincerity, Honesty
“Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts.”
It means to act according to the values, beliefs & principles we claim to hold (internally consistent, opposite of hypocrisy).
The connection to our Inner Self is strengthened when we align our thoughts, words & actions with Truth, & have the courage to act with sincerity & honesty. It’s letting go of “our will run riot”, & honor the Divine Will.   (POSTs  “Why ACoAs Lie“)

10. LOVE : Compassion, Kindness, Nurturing, Self-Esteem, Self-Respect
serenityAll living things need love to survive. We must first take care of our own need for it so we don’t become emotionally toxic. When we shift self-talk from the Inner Critic (Introject) to the Inner Companion (Loving Parent), we increase self-esteem & self-respect. Then we’re free to be the helpful, caring & thoughtful people we want to be.

11. SURRENDER : Acceptance, Freedom, Contentment
When we accept what’s happening to us in the moment as part of a grander plan needed for our growth – we experience a new freedom. We welcome whatever comes into our life, surrendering to a Higher will. This awareness provides contentment & peace.   (POST :“Acceptance & ACoAs”)

NEXT: Considering abuse

Positive Character: HUMANITY (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

BEING RESPECTFUL & RESPONSIBLE
makes me a better world citizen

PREVIOUS: Character – Social IQ

SEE: Expanded list of Traits to choose from


💚 APPRECIATION of beauty and excellence (awe, wonder, elevation):
The ability to admire the masterful design of a person, place or thing, especially if it has many levels of meaning, each layer with a distinct flavor & secret. Notice & value skilled performances & the high quality in all areas of life – arts & sciences, nature & everyday experiences.art appreciation
EXP:
• be awed by the vastness of nature & the intimate details of life • enjoy good craftsmanship  • pause often to take in a view, & look at the sky • understand & appreciate what goes into making anything artistic   • watch people & animals in motion

💚 CITIZENSHIP (social responsibility, loyalty, teamwork
GENERAL: be an active part of a political community, enjoying its rights & assuming duties of membership – which form a distinct sense of identity
SPECIFIC: work well as part of a group or team, be loyal to the unit, do our share, take responsibility for our actionsvote
EXP:
• are troubled by social injustice  • aware of the wider world, with a sense of our role as world citizens  • respect & value diversity  • willing to take actions to make the world a more equitable & sustainable place

💚 GENEROSITY (liberal in giving)
Carefully manage resources so we can freely give to those in need.generosity
NARROW: willing to give money, time, energy, info….to help others, or in order to give them pleasure, and to give more than is expected.
BROADER: be sympathetic in how we deal with people. Tend to see the good qualities of someone or something
EXP:
• give of our time and talents  • not expect anything in return for our generosity  •  praise the good we see in others   • share what we have with others • recycle

💚 GRATEFULNESS  (is NOT like being indebted)
Have an appropriate sense of & value the benefits we have received – at birth, from family, from our environment. Also, a desire to repay  or pass on some of the advantages we were given.
Let others know by words & actions how they have improved our life.  Acknowledge someone for a favor they have done us.  Focus on the positives in our life
EXP:
• be content with what we have  •  count our benefits / blessings, rather than our burdens   • take care of our things    • show helpful people that we appreciate them   • take care of our things  • write “thank you” notes

💚 FAIRNESS
Treating all people the same, according to universal ideals of equality and justice, the same way we want to be treated. Do not make mental evaluations or decisions that unfairly favor or discriminate against others – because of incorrect or inappropriate considerations.
Act consistent with rules, logic, ethics, or in a proper legal manner.  Don’t let personal feelings bias our decisions about others.  Give everyone a fair chance & not take advantage
EXP:
• be willing to give up our share of something for someone who has a lot less  • play fair   • see everyone as having equal rights  • think how our actions will affect others

💚 KINDNESS / COMPASSION (amiable, nurturing, gentle)
Show consideration, personal concern or deep sympathy for others.  The ability to make other people feel comfortable by our inner calmness.  Sometimes putting our own need for attention & self-esteem second to the needs of others. Feel sincere sorrow for others who are stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering if we can
EXP:
• comfort others without regard to race, gender, faith, age, or nationality   • do a good deed for strangers   • listen when others want to talk • look for lasting solutions  • don’t annoy or irritate people   • have good manners

NEXT: C for HUMANITY, #2