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ACoAs Manipulating
Self & others, #3b
SITE: LIST of Personal Needs
SEE ACRONYM page for abbrev.
Process includes 3 PARTS : GOALS, Implementation & People.
In terms of T.E.A., this topic focuses on the A. (actions), since just thinking (T) about what we want is not enough, althought it is the starting point. THEN we have to act on our own behalf.
1. GOALS
Psychologist tell us that people who make consistent progress toward meaningful goals live happier, more satisfied lives than those who don’t.
PURPOSE: Goal-setting is absolutely necessary & appropriate in order for us to be successful – when it’s grounded in our Rights as human beings AND in our own personal interests. Goals are a normal part of Adult thinking, providing long-term vision & short-term motivation.
Clearly defined goals:
• potentially minimizes procrastination & confusion (but doesn’t eliminate it, since they still has to acted on)
• can help to organize our time & resources
• let us know what additional info we need to gather, if any
• allow us to observe & acknowledge progress as we go along, even if the process is hard work & it takes a long time to ‘arrive’
• help us measure & take pride in successful outcomes, which raises self-confidence
Before taking an action, especially when the outcome is important to us, the questions we need to be clear about are : —> “What is my surface goal? then —> what’s under that? & then —> what’s my motivation? then —> under everything, what’s my deepest, perhaps unconscious, desire/wish/hope in this situation?”
➼ Every action we take – or inaction – is driven by a goal – to find food, to not get fired, to buy something we want or need, to hang on to a relationship, to avoid pain, to please an authority, to learn something new, to entertain ourselves, to express creativity, to be accepted, protect loved ones……
➼ and all goals are based on some need, normal human needs such as acceptance, attention, achievement, comfort, connection, knowledge, love, safety, shelter, validation….. needs in all 4 PMES categories.
➼ Each action aimed at reaching a goal: 
• is a decision, often unconscious (3 Posts) ⇓
• which is based on our individual idea about how to achieve that (procedure) ⇓
• which in turn is formed by our most basic beliefs / rules about ourselves & how things function in the world.
EXP: Goal : To cross the street
〰️ Beliefs / rules — I can get to the other side safely, always look both ways, don’t run into traffic or you can get hurt or killed, jay-walking will get you a ticket (in some places), if you’re with someone else make sure they’re safe too …..
〰️ Procedure – Stop at the corner, wait until the light is green, then go
• Appropriate goals & healthy ways of achieving them are based on knowing who we are & our Human Rights .
Recovery EXP: 15 minutes before an evening lecture in a big auditorium a janitor is buffing the front vestibule floor, with the door wide open – so the noise is quite disruptive to the waiting audience. Bev goes out to ask the man to close the door. He completely ignores her, even though she stands there briefly to make sure he’s heard her. Nothing. She goes back to her seat. A minute later a man from the audience does the same – & the janitor closes the door!
Qs: ACoAs – If you were Bev:
— How would you be feeling – anger, resentment, S-H, shame…. ? and,
— What would you be thinking? “That <**☹︎**>, how dare he ignore me?…. / I should have been more forceful / I shouldn’t have bothered him / he’s a chauvinist pig….”
— Would your goal have been to get the noise down PLUS be validated, respected, honored – as a female, by a hostile male?
• What was Bev’s goal? ONLY to dampen the noise. She was willing to make the effort, which was appropriate, but how it got done did not matter to her!
When we function from our True Self, with enough validation & support in our life from ourselves & from legitimate sources, we don’t try to get it (or demand it) from people who can’t or won’t give it!
NEXT: Getting needs met (1b)
HEAL & GROW for ACoAs 