awareness

ACCEPTANCE & ACoAs (Part 1)

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'acceptance' stampACCEPTANCE – BAH!
I don’t like it, so I’ll ignore it

PREVIOUS: Healthy Give & Take

QUOTE: “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.”
― G.R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones

😁 Calvin: “Now what state do you live in?”
Hobbes: Denial.” ― Bill Watterson 

1. The ‘PROBLEM’
ACCEPTANCE is the middle ‘A’ of Al-Anon’s 3 As (2. Awareness — 3. Action).  Correctly understanding & using this concept will make our life much clearer & saner.
For ACoAs this pesky A2 is the most misunderstood & the one many ACoAs HATE!  We don’t even want to acknowledge it’s something we need to deal with, because of thinking that “I can’t accept anything I don’t like or is too painful”, which is a CD – cognitive distortion

DEF : A2 does NOT mean –
• liking or not liking something! – a MAJOR misconception
• staying a victim, accepting our lot in life, being resigned
• giving up, not trying, not looking for a way up & out
• putting up with ‘crap’ from people, including our Introject’s bad voice
• sitting around waiting for things to happen or for someone to rescue us

Parts 2 & 3 will explain what it IS. Sadly, as in other areas of life, ACoAs will turn almost anything against themself, even good things. But first let’s see how we do use the 3 As, in the service of our dis-ease, a shorthand for all of our toxic thinking.
Negative MEANING of the 3 As
To put Acceptance in context, the unside downalcoholic / narcissistic family message given children is —
“You are Bad, We are Good, the World is Bad”.
And the WIC understands this triple threat to mean:
Neg. A-1 = “I’m so bad, no one will ever love me”, &
Neg. A-2 = “I try to ignore it, but believe it absolutely”
Neg. A-3 = so – “I must be perfect, (or dead!), to make up for it” 

These 3 became the foundation of our world view – being stuck with this awful protocol without any possibility of escape. Negatives EXPANDED :
A1 = Awareness re. US – the deep-seated belief of the WIC that we’re unworthy, not entitled, beyond redemption! (S-H)

A2 = Acceptance re. THEM – that our family was right about everything, which we absorbed from their overt / covert brain-washing. Guess whose opinions we still hold on to!? We believed them because :
• all humans are intensely loyal to their upbringing – it’s our most basic connection to others
• it’s the way our brain got programmed – every experience created the neural pathways which formed our understanding of life (“How we Learn“)
• AND ‘they’ constantly made it clear that we were un-acceptable. Some parents even used God, spirituality & religion to convince us of their beliefs!

As a result we were trained to accepted all sorts of terrible things as normal & inevitable for the rest of our life, in obedience to our family & community’s lessons

dangerous worldA3 = Action re. the WORLD – everything & everyone who’s not part of our distorted & insulated family mobile is considered dangerous, unhelpful, unwelcoming, indifferent…. since our family (& community) forced on us their narrow, alcoholic, bigoted view of the world. Our actions reflects this.

Unhealed ACoAs deal with the ‘A3‘ BY:
• Defiance of all authority & systems, which have become substitutes for our parents.
We can hate outside forces instead of admitting our rage at the family.
AND since the world is SO-O-O dangerous – we’re NOT going to give in or let them get us! OR —
• Compliance – we have to give in, keep our head down, hide in the shadows, so no one will get us!

NEXT: Acceptance & ACoAs (#2)

Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 3)

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 THE MORE I LET GO,
the more power I have!

PREVIOUS: Letting Go of Controlling -#2

Review: “Let Go of Control…Art of Surrender“


MAKING CHANGES – “What we disown – we can’t change”.
Another Inventory: Consider the following points & write out as much as you can. Do a little for each point, then go back every few days & add more.
• If needed, get trusted people to make suggestions from their experiences with you. Try not to be defensive – just write them down & look at them later.
NOTE your patterns that crop up over & over, especially if mentioned by several people

EXTERNALLY
STAY AWAKE for ways you act Controlling:
⭐︎ When it happens    ⭐︎ What sets it off
⭐︎ How it shows up in your actions
⭐︎ Who is affected   ⭐︎ How does it affect them
⭐︎ How do others react to you   ⭐︎ How does that make you feel emotionally & what is the negative self-talk

INTERNALLY
Acknowledge that you are controlling, & identify the causes  behind it
Consider which ones :   • you’ve already been working on
• others you’re willing to tackle, & how you can change your reactions
• which you have to ‘put on the shelf ‘until you’re more healed
(review ‘Controlling & Abandonment’ posts)
list of needsMake a list of:
• all your unmet needs & slowly work at filling them
• your talents – develop, hone & get recognized for them
• backlogged old pain that causes anxiety, & gradually feel them

• the difference between assertiveness & aggression, controlling vs in control, connection vs symbiosis, humiliation vs.humility, rage vs anger, rescuing vs helping, possible vs impossible ….

Practice asking for legitimate needs & desires from others, without demanding or having unrealistic expectations. Know who can meet specific needs & who cannot – and to what degree!

The 3 As & T.E.A.
AWARENESS: Identify your unhealthy attitudes (Ts) towards situations, unrealistic expectations of others & beliefs about how life should be.
Also, life areas that are affected (work, home…) & which are more intense than others (more with spouse, less with friends ?…)

ACCEPTANCE: Then – write about the experiences growing up that fostered the need to be Controlling, especially emotions underlying the compulsion (Es).
Identify alternative or opposite beliefs (Ts) you can use when life-stressors set off the impulse to C. (Post ; “Heathy Helping”)
✶ Allow as much time as needed to make internal shifts. Acceptance is about staying in the process & not always trying to jump into Action

ACTION: List better ways (As) to act when feeling the pull to be C. & try them out a little at a time. Learn how to communicate with your WIC & do it consistently, to comfort & protect it (Ts & Es)

Keep these new thoughts & action handy, & in a variety of locations to remind yourself (home, car, office, fridge, wallet or purse …)

TEST-CASE: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert your will over that situation the next time.  Just do it & observe how the event unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. Notice you thoughts & emotionspeaceful

• You may feel shaky at first, as it may bring up anxiety from past trauma. HOLD onto to your WIC, & let it know it’s not in danger

• Use Bookending with the WIC, to prove that most things turn out much better that we anticipate – by writing how things turn out when you don’t C.

From “Losing Control, Finding Serenity” book by Daniel A. Miller
Daily Exercise:
• About your external children, listen attentively without offering advice, especially the older ones unless they ask. Recognize that they’re different from you in how they think & process things, and accept that your way may not be right – for them
• In your love relationship, lower your expectations of your mate AND of yourself. Focus on steps you can take to improve your love-bond. Appreciate the good things you have together.

• About creativity, focus on just enjoying the process, rather than thinking too much about the outcome. Don’t worry about making “mistakes.”
Start a piece (paint, crochet, a new song…) with the intention of not completing it, & see how it goes.
>> If you’re only partly successful, do not give yourself a hard time! Keep trying, try something else or get help if needed. You’ll see that letting go of control may bring success, or at least a sense of peace!

NEXT: Types of Self-Control – #1

Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 1)

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I CAN GET MY NEEDS MET –
without arranging everything!

PREVIOUS: Acting Controlling (#3)

SITE: Freedom & Control

See Acronyms Page for abbrev.


STOP Controlling
To change this dysfunctional pattern takes Willingness, Perseverance & Courage!  We have to be ready to look at ourself without intense judgement & S-H, or we’re not going to own the C. behaviors.

Reminder: You are not responsible for trying to make changes or correct problems which are beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility – OR that ARE the responsibility of someone else!

The OLD Way: Being C. is to function from the assumption that the only way to feel safe in the world is by arranging everything OUR way, all the time.
But, the very act of Controlling is a betrayal of the True Self, shutting us off from healing our wounds & making loving connections with others, because of the fear & rage we carry from the WIC & PP.

Ironically, being a control freak never seems to include changing oneself! The Negative Introject (PP) keeps trying to deceive us, saying that the only way to proceed is to completely control every tiny detail of how & when things should happen, and/or how others should act.
At the same time the PP continues to tortures us so it won’t lose power over us – by making us believe that no matter how hard we work at it, we’ll never be good enough or do things right.

progress not perfectionBOTTOM LINE – BEING C. :
• can be called a character defect, but it’s imperative we don’t use that to berate ourself (vs. Being in Control of oneself)
• is NOT the same as having strong opinions. Rather, it’s a way to ‘force solutions’ by imposing our will on others

• is a form of grandiosity, a defense mechanism to defend against re-experiencing early vulnerability, powerlessness & daily neglect. NOTICE –
our style of controlling is likely a copy of someone in our family
• provides a temporary feeling of being powerful (not at the mercy of anyone!) but like all addictions, has to be constantly repeated, since it doesn’t heal our terror
GROWTH
• As the WIC heals & we strengthen our ‘Unit’, the need for C will diminish in intensity, but may never completely go away. This has to be accepted – with healthy humility & self-respect (opposite of grandiosity)
• Lessening it requires self-esteem, boundaries, making better choices & letting love in – wherever it may come from!
• Letting go of being C. can only be done in stages, & never perfectly!

LETTING GO 
There are many wise things to be said about ‘Letting Go’, but here are 2 main ones for ACoAs. To grow we need to —

1. STOP trying to win our parents’ love. We wouldn’t need to IF they had the capacity in the first place. Stop chasing them (or substitutes) for the nurturing every child needs but was simply not available because of their damage, even if they meant well & said they loved us

2. Relinquish the fantasy / illusion that doing things perfectly will get us that love & approval. All it does is increase our self-hate & fear, since perfection is unattainable AND our family’s mental or emotional health is not – and was never was – in our power to create.
People either can love us or not. We can not earn it!

A NEW Way
Freedom from Controlling comes from giving up the internal fight, to stop trying to manage everything, to stop trying to please the PP, & by staying out of whatever is none of our business!

self-fight✶ This does NOT mean being lazy, withholding or paralyzed.
• Rather – it comes from knowing that even in times of discomfort our inner foundation is built on solid ground – a support system made up of our Loving Inner Parent, the Higher Power & respectful / kind people.

• Being comfortable in our skin includes allowing OTHERS to be themselves, & letting many circumstances be – just as they are. There’s a time to act & a time to be still. The Serenity Prayer tells us:
✳️ Change what you can right now, & Accept what you can’t change at all, what’s not yet possible, or is not yet the right time.

NEXT: Letting Go of C. –  #2

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 1)

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cds & thoughts


LIKE THE BIRTH OF NEW STARS
I can give birth to new thinking

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconscious (#1)

AA saying: “Alcoholics dig themselves into a rut, & then decorate it!”

1. THINKING  (2. Emotions in Part 4)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS mind is ‘just’ the result of patterning, conditioning & habit – therefore it’s basic – very B & W, not thinking, intelligent or creative, totally literal with no sense of humor! From our birth it absorbs info & experience without insight or good judgment.  So our early years provide the basis for all future learning, as the mind filters out inconsistencies.

NOTE: ‘Unconscious’ is the part of mind holding information we’ve gathered – which isn’t available just by wanting to access it, & can only be retrieved by special techniques or triggering events.

‘Subconscious’ is the level where unconscious memories drive our emotional reactions & behavior, without realizing it, like:
— seeing food suddenly making us hungry
— a deep-seated but untreated childhood trauma distorting our ability to make safe, rational decisions…..

• In the Cognitive Therapy model, distorted information-processing results in anxiety symptoms, such as catastrophizing, the excessive focus on negative outcomes leading to false alarms, hyper-vigilance, loss of objectivity, no tolerance for uncertainty, & ‘lack of habituation’ (not desensitized to a stressor -air travel- even with repeated exposure).

• This is familiar to ACoAs, who grew up in emotionally tense & physically dangerous environments, at home & outside, & now react with “fight, flight, freeze or appeasing“. Originally —
— Fight would have been with siblings, neighborhood kids, school peers, hurting animals or possessions, & sometimes self-harm
— Flight was more common. As long as we were too young to leave home we escaped into books, friends, school work, sports & of course fantasy. And for some – attempted suicide.
— Freeze was & still can be when our mind blanks out from fear, & we can’t think at all, called dissociation
— Fawn / Appease was & is people-pleasing, agreeing with anyone who scared us, being over-solicitous, over-giving….. anything to ‘placate the monster’

MODIFYING the Unconscious
self Qs• While there are people & situations we DO need to get away from – it’s always good to check our point of view first. This is not a blame or a judgement. There’s a big difference between what the WIC ‘feels’ or that the PP is telling us about ourselves & others – vs – how the Healthy Adult / Loving Parent sees things.

• So in terms of CDs, if we assume our pain is ONLY caused by something outside of ourselves, we waste a lot of energy trying to change the wrong things – another person, a job, a location…. rather than our frame of reference & inner beliefs. This endless wild-goose-chase leaves us feeling frustrated, out of control & hopeless. It reinforces our Victim role, keeping us convinced we can’t take care of ourselves

• A major purpose of some therapy styles is to bring up from the unconscious as much accumulated pain & distorted thinking as possible, so we can actively process emotions (Es) & correct False beliefs (Ts), which then gradually changes our behavior! (As) When we consistently, deliberately think in new ways, we add a 10-fold power to our conscious mind

FYI: Counseling, Coaching & some Therapies focus on current actions & thinking, NOT on the past & childhood programming – when most of our ACoA damage was formed!

psychiatry• Psychiatry & Psychoanalysis is deliberately structured so there’s almost NO feedback from the therapist. This has proven harmful for many ACoAs, because:
i. it’s a repeat of – no one responding to us as kids – leaving us yet again terribly alone with someone who’s supposed to be helpful!
ii. it doesn’t interfere with or correct our S-H & other distorted thinking, which we desperately need

iii. it ignores positive mirroring, also desperately needed – a healthy voice feeding back to us what we’re denying AND all of our wonderful native characteristics & accomplishments
iv. it doesn’t provide good role-model to emulate – caring, sensitivity & kindness, good boundaries, sane thinking….

✶ The most useful one-to-one therapy for most ACoAs is ‘family of origin’ work (FoO), based on a good understanding of family systems & addiction. It works best when it includes lots of well-boundaried interaction – and humor!

NEXT: CDs & The Unconscious (Part 3) Making changes

“They Did the Best They Could” (Part 2)

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denial  PREVIOUS : They did the best … (#1)

 

First – Review Part 1

2. DENIAL : Re. US (cont.)
i. PROBLEM
We want to ‘forgive’ without going thru the process of healing!
• Most of our parents may not have been evil – although some definitely were, & some things they did are unforgivable.
And some ACoAs determined to ‘have it out’ with a parent or other abuser, or try to explain our experience & point of view. So we’ve tried, over & over, but got flat denial or more abuse. It’s been an absolute waste of time – they don’t want to know!repetition compulsion

➼ Motivation
WHY do we want to approach them about the pain they caused? Usually it’s because the WIC wants to do the impossible – change them, get them ‘to see’, force them to admit their culpability, OR just hurt them back….
ii. REALITY
• our WIC is still in deep shock. We need to identify & validate those early experiences before we can let ‘move on’. Until then, our life is run by our damage
• we are very angry at them. We need to feel it, but only in safe ways & places, away from them – with people who can hear our pain & don’t have a stake in shutting us up
• we need a clear picture of the toxic lessons we learned, so we know what to change
• we have to stop wanting our unavailable family’s approval & love, since they can’t because they haven’t dealt with their early damage, & probably never will.
As adults, some of us have a better relationship with parts of our family, but most don’t. We have to accept that or we’ll keep feeling devastated

• we can’t afford to exonerate them, to white-wash the abuse & neglect.  It’s what they taught us to do – to never hold them accountable.  SO now we don’t hold others accountable either for bad behavior, letting ourselves be exploited

➼ WHY is this this process important? Because – as long as we negate their responsibility, we take it on as ours.
We need to see the truth, not them, so we can stop copying old patterns (Freud’s Repetition Compulsion)

• This bears repeating – self-hate tells us we always cause all our suffering – old & new. This is a lie.  Just think – our parents were fully formed & set in their ways before we were born, no matter how young they were. We could not possibly have been bad enough as ages 2, 5, 10…. to warrant the neglect, punishments & accusations we got! It was their damage, their rage, their abandonment pain, their addictions, their anxiety – NOT US!

BTW, sometimes it’s OK to talk with family members – if they are willing, to ANSWER questions about :
— what they remember about us as kids, & their early experiences with us (be specific)
— about a parent’s childhood & life before having us kids

Also ASK our siblings what their experiences were in our family, & how they saw things back then.
It can be very helpful, because each kid’s experience is different, which can round out our understanding of what we lived thru.

• And ask parents to LISTEN to:
– what WE remember (good, but mostly bad)
– how we felt back then, and now
– what we needed & missed
– how we’d like to be treated in the present…..

….. BUT ONLY when we’ve done some rage work, to approach them with equanimity & boundaries, and without the expectation that they’ll change, understand or respond ‘sanely’!
It’s not about punishing them NOR getting them to see our point!
So – what would be the point?

✶ The main purpose is for the Inner Child (both wounded & healthy) to have our Adult help us become visible, to stand up for ourselves, to finally have our say, no matter what the outcome. We we voiceless as kids, but not anymore!
EXP:  After may years of Recovery, one woman sat at the kitchen table for 2 hrs, calmly telling her narcissistic mother what she’d learned about her childhood.
At the end the mother’s only comment was: “So you’re saying I should never have been a mother”.
“Yes” responded the daughter, unfazed & without guilt – even tho that’s not what she’d said or implied. Then they went about making dinner. Amazing!

NEXT: They did the best…. #3

SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 4)

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Se;f=Hate


I CAN’T STAND FEELING LIKE THIS –
there has to be a better way!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & S-H (#3)

QUOTE: “Too many people overvalue what they are not, & undervalue what they are.”∼ Malcolm S. Forbes

2. SOURCES of Self-Hate
3. PURPOSE of S-H

4. How S-H is MAINTAINED
By following our family’s dysfunctional training, ACoAs pile on more self-hate because of our self-defeating / self-destructive actions, thoughts & feeling –  towards ourselves (T.E.A.), along with how we let others treat us, AND how we treat them – BY:

Our THOUGHTS / EMOTIONS
• denying our anger at others, swallowing it & getting depressed
• C.D. = black & white thinking, all or nothing, awfulizing…
(when one of these extremes doesn’t work out, we hate ourselves even more)
• talking to ourselves in ‘shoulds’ (I should go back to school right away, although I‘m not really up to it now…..)
• trying to be perfect, & hating ourselves for not being able to be
• ‘yelling’ at ourselves – calling ourself stupid, crazy, weak…

ACTIONS
• active addictions & all other forms of self-denying, self-defeating, self-destructive behaviors (the big ways take big bites out of our soul, & the little ways sneakily gnaw away at us ! because it’s hard to catch the harm they do)

• being obnoxious, continual boasting, telling people off, arrogance, acting superior… (it keep us disconnected from others)
• cheat, lie, manipulate, control
• not following thru… with plans, promises, goals OR self-care
• regularly getting into verbal (&/or physical) fights, to punish & isolate
• sabotaging opportunities & preventing ourselves from going after what we want in life
• trying to do the impossible (change others, instead of ourselves)

SOCIAL
• choosing & then staying with people who continually hurt us, don’t understand or can’t listen, can’t mirror us, who use us, manipulate….
• humiliating ourselves by: telling all our faults, over-disclosing, trying desperately to convince someone (who doesn’t care) that we’re not as bad/wrong stupid as they think
• let others use us, take advantage, continually cross our boundaries
• mistrust everyone OR trust everyone, indiscriminately (copy our sick parents or play out the Scapegoat role)
• not standing up for ourselves – our rights, tastes, needs….
• trying to ‘one up’ others – to cover feeling ‘less than’

5. RESULTS of Self-Hate
a. Keeps us :
• a victim – believing we deserve whatever abuse or neglect we receive, any time, any place
• ‘anorexic’: under-earning, little or no affection, sex, love, attention, connections….
• afraid to know our ‘true self’ – which we’re sure is awful, maybe even evil
• depressed,  paranoid, hopeless, suicidal
• in an impotent rage (overt or hidden)
images-2because we still want things we think we can’t have or get
Keeps us :
• perfectionistic – expecting too much of ourself: we’re bad if we don’t have the American dream, higher education, lots of money, the right job / car / house / spouse ….
• taking everything personally!!! The wrong look, being ignored, a selfish remark… from others – can send us into a tailspin
• trapped in a constant state of FoA (fear of abandonment) – neediness, vulnerability, fear of being hurt or left alone

b. Reinforces:
• the belief that we have no rights, while thinking we can / must control everything & everyone (opposite of the Serenity Prayer)!
• the compulsion to stay symbiotically attached – to family & everyone else – because we don’t know we have a “True Self” to rely on
• letting others abuse us (we may even invite it) without stopping them or holding them accountable….
• the ‘need’ for addictions & any other forms of self-destructiveness
• staying in a rage because no one’s willing to take care of us, fix, us, magically make it all better

NEXT: S-H, #5