How the BRAIN LEARNS (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

trees 4THIS ‘PAYING ATTENTION’ THING
is a lot of work!

PREVIOUS: How the brain learns  (#3)

 

OUR BRAIN – Gathering Info (cont.)
6. BROAD TOPICS
7. INCOMPLETE

8. OLD is still VALID
a. EXPECTATIONS: The brain will continue to ‘understand’ & interpret the present – based on the way things were when it got the last piece of information about something familiar, no matter how long ago that was.
Therefore, it won’t know if that info is still viable, or obsolete.

✓ Think about going to a school reunion. We may unconsciously assume classmates will look the same as they did when we last saw them (10, 20 + years ago), OR to act the same, especially towards us, & may be shocked at the changes in them. Of course this isn’t logical, but….

Obsolescence has 3 main sources – THINGS :obsolete
• that often change, like prices & styles
• that change more slowly, but steadily – like aging
• learned a long time ago, as in childhood.
The further back the input, the more likely it’s not valid in the present, ✶altho’ this doesn’t apply to everything, like moral values or spiritual truths

b. ACTIONS: The mechanical brain can’t alert us to which memories (experiences) are still valid – to be used as a basis for present behavior – & which ones are out-dated. So, our current reactions to circumstances are often founded on useless, maybe even dangerous, info.

Types of Memory
a. Sensory – When our senses are triggered by a stimulus, our brain briefly stores the information for few seconds before it’s gone. It then has the option to process it through the memory banks or forget it.
When registering sensory input, it gathers info passively through visual & auditory cues – “iconic” & “echoic”.

b. Short-term – the brain temporarily stores information when it is triggered by stimuli. It can only hold a maximum of 7 items at a time, & also has a time limit for each, which is usually between 10 seconds to a minute.
“Working memory” – info stored for the purpose of using it, such as remembering a set of numbers while working on a math problem.

c. Long-term – After passing through short-term brain areas, relevant info is moved to long-term storage. Now we’re less likely to forget important details, but they can fade over time if we don’t refresh them.
When these memories form, they stay as long as they’re in use.  The hippocampus retrieves info from working memory & starts changing the brain’s physical neural wiring – between neurons & synapses.

SOURCES of distorted info
▪︎ Parents, community, school, religious leaders, who may be well-meaning & want to be helpful, but more often are damaging
▪︎ Experienced manipulators : advertisers, politicians, investment promoters, sales people….
▪︎ Popular Culture: books, TV, internet, news media ….

➼ IRONY:  Since the only criterion the brain has for identifying good or bad info is IF it’s consistent with what’s already stored, based on first impressions, then:
• for accurate input, the brain can protect us from accepting anything new that’s useless or harmful, BUT
• any bad info we started out with will stop us from believing new, correct info.
✶ That’s why we’re told that FIRST IMPRESSIONS are so important.

IN RECOVERY
a. Sometimes we hear or read something ‘healthy’ & our head says it’s true, makes sense, the speaker / writer knows what they’re talking about…  BUT we don’t feel it.  This usually means we have a layer of defense against taking it in all the way –  because the mechanical brain says it doesn’t fit,
AND the unconscious knows it’s going to be painful, & will go against the family’s messages.

b. Other times we hear or read something & it ‘rings a bell’, not just in our head but alsring a bello in our gut.  We know it’s RIGHT.  It may be quite contradictory to our earliest training, but it’s right for us – down to our toes!

This is likely because the healthy info we’re receiving now is something we (secretly) knew in our hearts a long time ago, & had to suppress but is finally being validated.
Sometimes the healthy info is so clear & relevant to our True Self that all we can do is cry in relief at finally getting what we need!

NEXT: BOUNDARIES DEFINED –  #1

How the BRAIN LEARNS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

styled tulipsCOM’ON BRAIN –
don’t fail me now!

PREVIOUS: How the BRAIN LEARNS (#2)

See ACRONYM pg. for abbrev.

OUR BRAIN – Gathering Information (cont)
3. ADDITIONS
4. COMPARISONS

5. ALL ALIKE: The brain assumes all similar items are the same (all whites look alike to me / all rock music sounds like noise / all men are dogs!….)
• This originally had survival value so humans could respond instantly to a need or crisis, without ‘evaluating’ differences.

We still need automatic grouping – to save time, for ease of communication, to understand different things with a common meaning – like ‘scribbles’ or word-accents that represent the same word / idea….all alike

•  However, it can also lead to serious errors:
a. We can assume that all members of a particular group are alike
✓ Your mother was a nasty crazy lady, so you grow up to believing that, in spite of charming ‘disguises’, all women are nasty & crazy

b. It can be hard to notice subtle differences or gradual changes in others
✓ if you’re in Recovery – most people who’ve known you a long time will keep treating you based on how you used to be, just as some parents keep treating a grown son like a little boy

c. It can influence the way we behave / react to things around us
✓ Treating all snakes, body aches or drugs — as if they were the same — can be painful or fatal
✶ SO, one measure of intelligence is how well we can distinguish subtle variations among very similar people, things or situations.

6. BROAD TOPICS
• Focusing only on a narrow slice of life will only eliminate certain new items that are contradictory
EXP:  Women raised by a controlling parent are more likely to believe ‘The Rules’ book. So in contradiction – being told by a teacher/ preacher/  therapist… that it’s not emotionally healthy to manipulate men – will automatically be dismissed.
Exception: a woman might accept suggestions opposed to the book’s premise, if it comes from a trusted ally.

• BUT the broader the topic, the more all types of contradictory info are rejected as false.  Just the act of accumulating similar experiences will seem to confirm our original belief, right or wrong. That’s why people who are ‘trained’ in childhood to be winners tend to continue winning – or vice versa. So:
EXP: If we’re taught that our country, religion, ethnic community…. is the best, the only one to trust, is infallible… then any proof to the contrary will be ignored or make us angry!

✓ So too, if we have a bone-deep conviction that we’re worthless & unlovable, any compliment or acknowledgment is automatically rejected as b.s., even if said sincerely, & is actually true & valid about us!

7. INCOMPLETE: The brain can’t identify if it has complete info about a topic, so even when we suspect it, it can’t tell us what is missing
✓ This happed with a salesman & in college: I knew I was missing a crucial, pivotal piece of info to understand what I wanted to buy or was supposed to be learning, but I didn’t know what that was!

All I could do was ask haltingly, clumsily (sounding like an idiot!) & they’d tell me a bunch of stuff I did know. Sometimes, if I kept bugging them, eventually they’d go away in disgust OR  ‘accidentally’ spit out the missing piece.

Yeah! I was happy, but by then they were very annoyed! lazy brain
😡 When I expressed relief, they’d say “Well, I thought you already knew that!” because it was so obvious to them, they assumed I already knew it! Wrong.

Perpetuating Incomplete info:
• Mental laziness: not making a consistent effort to get info on topics that have an impact on our lives & well-being
• OR fear of asking, of having to take care of oneself, of no one wanting to help, of getting it wrong, of not being able to do what’s required….

• Either way, we automatically compensate by assuming we know things we don’t (Ass-u-me). Since we don’t realize we’re making assumptions, someone has to point them out.
Obviously, a lack of sufficient or accurate info will be a real road block to achieving our goals.

NEXT: How the BRAIN LEARNS (Part 4)

How the BRAIN LEARNS (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

cds & the brainMY EXPECTATIONS ARE TOO HIGH
for my own good!

PREVIOUS: How the brain learns (Part 1)

BOOK : Think Better, Feel Better ∼ Carl Pacifico


OUR BRAIN – Gathering Information (cont.)
1. FIRST INFO
2. CONTRADICTIONS

3. ADDITIONS – all new items which do fit with the majority of already accumulated info will automatically be considered as correct, whether they are or not. Finding similar elements about a topic adds to our knowledge base – which doesn’t mean it’s accurate – just reinforced!

• When we have too little info about something, any previous knowledge (no matter how flawed) will carry a lot of weight in our evaluation about a person or situation, & therefore will heavily influence our action or reaction

EXP: If our parent was an addict, & then our first lover was an alcoholic . drug user…., & we keep dating & marrying addicts, then active addicts become our ‘drug-of-choice’!

👁‍🗨 DUALITY – AND what if we encounter a situation or person that’s both a benefit AND a threat (like a parent, a spouse, a job or career, your own child)?
Because the brain is pre-programmed to label all previously gathered info as basically valid, it rejects anything that doesn’t fit — precisely to reduce the pressure of this kind of dilemma, called ‘cognitive dissonance’.frenemies

• This makes it very hard for us as adults to leave bad situations where we get or got some good stuff – emotional crumbs – along with mostly bad stuff, the same way we did as kids, like  :
— needing to leave : a sibling we were once close to who is now screwing us out of our inheritance

— a parent needing to oust : an adult-child still living at home, not working, drugs internet   – who was an adorable & adored favorite when little….
The ‘good stuff’ may have only been a long time ago, or it could have all been an illusion, but we’re still hanging on to memories, hopes & wishes!

4. COMPARISONS – The brain can’t measure anything directly, but rather using some pre-set standard, will compare various things, actions, people, events…  If the standard is flawed, our evaluation will be off!
EXP: Being on a ship without navigation tools & no land in sight – you can’t ‘magically’ tell where you are by just looking out of the porthole!

a. VALIDITY – For the comparison to be credible:valid
• the thing or person must be completely & correctly identified (like 2 specific books)
• the 2 things must be equal (can’t compare adult with child, a paperback to a hardcover)

• there has to be an actual way to make the measurement  (color, college degrees, education, height, weight….)
• the observer is objective (no personal stake in the conclusion)
• there should not any others factors involved – but if necessary, they also have to be of equal value (2 books in different languages, but on the same topic)

b. INTANGIBLES – What about measuring things like intelligence, honesty, love…? These are impossible to define because they’re subjective, & their meaning is embedded in one’s culture. Yet it’s constantly being attempted.

Most results of trying to pin down abstract concepts are incorrect & therefore meaningless, BUT the attempt can sometimes effect a person’s occupation/ income, social acceptance & identity.intangibles

EXPs: IQ tests only measure the ability to answers certain Qs, not the person’s actual intelligence – but can be used as a hiring tool.
EXP:
👮🏽 What cops & lawyers mean by ‘honesty‘ will be very different from what a minister believes it to be, and
👶🏼 what a kid means by “I love you” isn’t the same as when said by a lover.

c. EXPECTATIONS – a common standard for measuring performance – either our own or that imposed by some authority.
▪︎ Put on us: the results are quite arbitrary, depending on who is ‘doing’ the expecting
✓ What my high school music teaches thinks about my singing may be very, very different from how a Juilliard professor will assess it

▪︎ We put on others: Errors can easily occur when measuring others based on our expectations of them
✓ “I can’t believe she didn’t call me this week, knowing I’d been in the hospital! I would have called her right away, if she’d just had surgery!”

NEXT: How the BRAIN LEARNS (#3)

How the BRAIN LEARNS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

trees 3WHIRR, WHIRR, WHIRR – the wheels never stop!

PREVIOUS: Undoing CDs

POST : “Retraining the Brain = Neuroplasticity”

☆ NOTE:
The following is a simplified explanation of how the brain mechanically absorbs & catalogs information, often times leading to Cognitive Distortions.
Biological information does not negate free will, Personality Type or the power to change (via Structural Neuroplasicity). But it does explain why it takes effort & time to correct damage.

➼ Think about each point listed in relation to growing up in a dangerous, terrifying, lonely environment – about how those experiences that ‘programmed’ us. Remember the military acronym G.I.G.O. = garbage in, garbage out.  Whatever our brain took in as a kid was not our fault – it’s the way humans are built.

✶ ACoAs ask: “Why do I do these things? Why can’t I get It? It’s too late, I’m too damaged…..”, which are all forms of S-H, based on CDs.
Learning the mechanical reasons why psychological change is a struggle can be encouraging. Change is hard but do-able!

• Having complete & correct info about something or someone allows us to respond to life appropriately & achieve our objectives
• The opposite is equally true – lack of, or distorted info will make us respond badly, perhaps even fatally. Any missing & incorrect facts get integrated into our thinking, like bugs in a computer program

⚑ Regardless, the brain’s main goal is to generate responses to the environment that will most likely insure our survival, including some terrible things people (abused children, battered wives, war combatants…. ) will do to cope with terrible situations!

OUR BRAIN – Gathering Information

1. FIRST INFO – The brain accepts as correct the first info it gets about any completely new topic, person, situation… without critical evaluation, whether accurate or not.  Additional info that fits with the original input is also accepted as true, regardless of validity.

Even if we suspect (intellectually) that some info might be wrong, the brain has no ‘warning signal’ to indicate what is or gathering infois not legitimate
EXP: If a new lover is charming, intelligent & seductive at first, the unconscious will label them as safe or at least acceptable, no matter what they’re really like

• Then, when the brain notices a stimulus (whatever triggers a reaction in us – like a hand wave), it goes thru all it’s stored info about:
— the origin of the stimulus (who’s waving)
— how to deal with it (wave back, ignore it, avoid it quickly…)

2. CONTRADICTIONS – Any new item that disagrees with what’s already in the memory bank is automatically rejected as wrong! This is not due to stubbornness, stupidity or a character flaw.
Rather, it’s a built-in survival mechanism, moving us toward things that seem beneficial & away from things that seem threatening

EXP: So, if the new lover at some point starts mistreating us or acting weird, we excuse it away / put up with it / ignore it completely… especially if they remind us (unconsciously) of our parents, who were our very earliest love interest!contradictions

• As more experiences are accumulate, contradictions have a less bothersome effect on our thinking, so we stay in the original groove. The brain has no built-in way of knowing what’s T or F about ‘people, places & things’ (PPT).  It just blindly relies on its backlog of stored data

• Of course, the importance (danger) of bad info is in proportion to how relevant it is to our life. Having the wrong or incomplete info about how tigers mate won’t usually effect our well-being, but bad / limited info about drugs & poisons, severe narcissists, environmental pollutants…. can be devastating or even fatal.

EXP: “First Info” is partly why battered wives keep going back. If they &/or their mother got beaten a lot when they were kids, it’s what they know & expect.  “Contradictory info” such as : “He’s no good for you, you have to leave…” has little effect, thrown out as incongruous & therefore not to be acted on.

NEXT: How the BRAIN LEARNS (#2)

CDs – UNDOING Thinking Errors

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS:
CD – Consequences #3

Review
CDs -SUMMARY

 

UNDOING Thinking Errors
Because the brain assumes all completely new input is legitimate (“First Info”), it’s especially important for ACoAs to consciously double-check the value & ‘sanity’ of all new relationships & experiences, whenever possible.
Looking back, we can see that incomplete or blatantly wrong info can have severe consequences for us – especially when making important decisions.

➖”Cognitive fusion” = taking thoughts very, very seriously. We believe them, buy into them, obey them & play them out.
➕”Cognitive defusion” = the opposite: stepping back from thoughts, to evaluate them objectively, holding them lightly. We only listen to them if they’re valuable or helpful. They’re simply bits of language passing through the brain.

☁︎ Identify your CDs
Screen Shot 2015-06-23 at 2.59.48 AMWrite down recurring beliefs & upsetting thoughts. Match them to the list of CDs, & notice the ones you favor. This will help to identify your family’s beliefs
• Instead of automatically blaming yourself for difficulties you experience, take careful notice of external factors that may have caused or contributed to a problem.
Even of you did have something to do with the outcome, self-blame only keeps you from figuring out options & helpful ways of coping or solving the problem

• Do a cost-benefit analysis to identify the advantages & disadvantages of using CDs & nurturing your S-H. List any reasons you still hang on to harmful thinking (review Negative Benefits), as well as the ways they continue to damage you.

☁︎ Check the evidence
See if your own assumptions or any new info you recently got from someone else – is valid. ASK, read, think. Most of our inappropriate reactions to life are not just from our damage & inherent personality, but often because we don’t make the effort to search out readily available information that can supplement & correct our knowledge base

Re. YOU: As a counter-measure to negative thinking, list the times you’ve been successful, have reached a goal, accomplish a task….
— double check your thinking with people you trust, who have your best interest at heart & who have proven themselves consistently reliable & ‘sane’

Re. OTHERS: Gather as much info about ways to deal with a problematic or scary person / situation
• that is making you uncomfortable, or
• possibly, someone who is very important in your life

Go over what you already know about them, & get help to NOT overlook something you may have originally assumed to be irrelevant, but which could actually be —
• the very thing that’s causing the most problem, OR • which may provide a better or most useful solution

☁︎ Smart Listening
Develop a daily mental habit : Do not automatically accept as being legitimate – any important new info or experience – until you can check it out (“Don’t believe everything you hear & only half of what you see or read”!)

• Label each new unproven item with a tag: “My teachers says…  /  I recently read in…”  – to indicate it’s not yet verified.  Once you’ve confirmed it, you can own it without the tag. “I don’t like Sam because…”

• Insulting name-calling (inferior, loser, a fool, chicken, crazy….) is about our person-hood. If you’re thinking that way, check what was going on just before – that set it off. Most of theScreen Shot 2015-07-21 at 7.18.15 AM time the label is about an action or event, rather than about your identity.

☁︎ Smart Talking
Notice & then write down your harsh thoughts, or the ones you hear from others. Put them aside & read them again a few days later. If you heard a parents talk like that to a child in a store or on a bus – how would you feel?
CHANGE
• Emotionally: say nice things to yourself – the opposite of your usual habit. Be gentle, kind, patient, supportive, what you would’ve liked to hear as a kid

• Mentally: talk to yourself & others in ‘shades of grey’’. This is not a compromise – but allows for variations, options & possibilities you have not previously considered

ALSO – add a qualifier then sharing ‘helpful’ facts or personal beliefs, opinions, advice, knowledge:  “I think you might…., I heard a rumor that…, In my experience…., I read somewhere that…., This is just my point of view….”

NEXT: INFO & the Brain (Part 1)

CDs: CONSEQUENCES (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: CDs = Consequences (Part 3)

 

 

EFFECTS OF using CDs (cont)
Basing our life dominated by CDs can cause self-esteem, & crushing feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, despair, failure, frustration, hopelessness, & resentment – that left unchecked can make life miserable.

4. SOCIAL (PMES) RESULTS
• they create conflicts in a wide variety of relationships (home, work, school…)
social phibia• form barriers to healthy communication – information get cloudy, causing misunderstanding, anger, resentment & frustration in receivers of the muddled messages

• make us less desirable company – most people don’t have time or patience with constant negativity. Because people’s vibes affect each other – moods are contagious….. & who wants to catch a bad mood?
• make us tend to focus on others’ flaws, eroding connections
• make us overestimate the probability (projecting) that unpleasant social events will occur, so we either don’t go anywhere, don’t participate at gatherings, or act inappropriately

5. SPIRITUAL (PMES) RESULTS
• attract situations that make us believe something’s perpetually wrong with us & the world, SO we stay stuck in our damage
• close us down to possibilities & the flow of abundance, preventing us from attracting ‘people, places & things’ (PPT) that would help us grow
• just like perfectionism – they make us vulnerable to spiritually abusive situations
• keep us from fulfilling the True Self God made us to be
• mutilate, cripple & corrode the human spirit, & provide the rationale for maintaining addictions
• obscure / limit our vision to go after dreams, leaving us apathetic, cynical & confrontational
• suck out our faith & confidence in life, making it hard to be hopeful about anything

😃CDs & HUMOR
Humor styles are considered coping strategies to deal with internal CDs & external stress. One study (U of Western Ontario, 2016) examined the relationship among : a. CDs b. positive & negative humor styles & c. depressive symptoms.

Because CDs involve negatively biased thinking about self & others, it was hypothesized that people whose lives are impacted by them would tend to use maladaptive humor styles, which involve themes about : the assumption that others think negatively about them, their own incompetence, unlovability & worthlessness

As predicted, the frequency & impact of CDs on interpersonal & achievement were in fact significantly associated with depressive symptoms.

1. Self-Enhancing Humor (healthiest)
About emotional well-being, including self-esteem, optimism & pleasurable emotions. EXP: “Even when I’m by myself, I’m often amused by the absurdities of life”

2. Affiliative Humor
Deals more with relationship connections, related to extraversion, social intimacy, inter-personal competence,  relationship satisfaction, social support & secure attachment. EXP: “I laugh & joke a lot with my closest friends”

3. Aggressive Humor
This type is also mainly about relationship connections, but includes hostility & neuroticism. It’s not about agreeableness,  competence, conscientiousness or satisfaction. EXP: “If someone makes a mistake, I’ll usually tease them about it”

4. Self-Defeating  Humor (least healthy)
A HIGH correlation between CDs & Self-Defeating humor is most closely associated with emotional distress – such as anxious attachment, depression, generalized anxiety, neuroticism, rumination & perceived stress
EXP: “I often get carried away with putting myself down if it makes my family or friends laugh”

✳️ MENTAL HEALTH: Studies have shown that correct + positive thinking, optimism, gratitude & appreciation of the things we enjoy in life = enhance brain function & decision-making skills. They help us be calmer, more relaxed, happier.

CORRECTION (condensed) 
1. Identity your ‘favorite’ CDs. Then examine the evidence, listing pros & cons
2. Think about / talk to yourself – the way you do with people & pets you love, OR how you wish you had been talked to when you were little
3. Consider shades of grey – what’s between B & W options

4. Test your ‘version’ against reality by doing something scary & keeping track of every positive outcome
5. Observe others & ASK how they handle the situation you’re in
6. Change how you talk about your desires or goals
FROM “I should / have to…”. TO  “I’d like /  it would be great if…..”

7. Notice & correct the meaning of frequently used words.
— Why is everything “terrible / impossible / unbearable….”
even in ‘common’ circumstances ?
OR
— Why call yourself “inferior, a loser, fool, abnormal….” even when you’re doing OK ?
8. Re-attribution : notice & acknowledge that other PPT (people places & things) outside of yourself have an effect on outcomes, AND that other see you differently than you see yourself.(More…..)

NEXT: Undoing CDs

CDs: CONSEQUENCES (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,


HAVE TO CLEAN MY BRAIN OUT!
or I’ll never get what I need or want

PREVIOUS: CDs Consequences (Part 1)

REVIEW post: “Weak decision Styles”

 


CDs – regarding Personal Problems
a. SELF-SERVING: EXternalized dysfunctional behavior, to protect a fragile sense of self from greater harm:
• Assuming the worst, Labeling, Minimizing, Self-centeredness
USED to cover insecurities like a shabby bandage, keeping us dishonest with ourselves & separated from others

b. SELF-DEBASING – INternalized expressions of self-hate:
• Catastrophizing, Disqualifying the positive, Personalizing, Over-generalization, Selective Abstraction, Shoulds ….
USED to keep us powerless & hopeless, intensifying our wounds

1.- Thinking & CDs (Part 1)

2. (E) EMOTIONS : The more CDs we absorbed & developed n childhood, & now – the longer we ‘use’ them as the basis for living, the more they increase anxiety, deepen depression, disappointment, rage…. causing relationship difficulties & potentially – auto-immune diseases.

Depression being a common ACoA state – we can identify one of several causes by carefully focusing on the connections between external events & our inner responses.
The sequence is made up of :
a. Activating event (objective Situation) that’s scary : making a cold-call, asking for help, mulling over a problem, visiting family
b. Logic Errors (CDs) : Assuming the Worst, Fortune-Telling, Disqualifying the Positive,  Mind-Reading….”
CAUSING ↓
c. Automatic Thoughts = Limiting Beliefs : “They’re too busy to talk to me” , “I should’t need help” , “He won’t want to listen to me”, “They always ….. ”
d. Consequences : painful emotions & the harmful actions or non-actions that follow

EMOTIONAL (PMES) RESULTS
• they can prevent us from letting go of past hurts
• contribute to a false sense of reality, of paranoia, illusions
spiritual weakness• directly contribute to thoughts of suicide – or actual attempts
• increase frustration, depression, S-H, anxiety, irritability & helpless rage
• maintain the feeling of being a victim or scapegoat
• make it easier to feel unattractive, so not want to do regular self-care
• may distort or prevent the enjoyment of sexual activities
• reinforce our childhood abandonment, hurt & disappointment
• prevent us from seeing the bright side of life, making things less fun

➼ Put-downs from others can erode our sense of self-worth, especially when coming from our own family. Children definitely believe negative assessments of themselves given by teachers & parents, developing a damaged self-concept when criticized on a regular basis.

▶ Researchers estimate that the ratio of +positive to -negative comments needs to be at least 5+ to 1- for any relationship to be healthy and survive long-term.
THIS applies to how we talk to ourselves as well!

3. (A) ACTIONS: Another extreme —> Using CDs as a model for how to function is part of Cognitive DEFICITS. all of which prevent us from successfully handling many of life’s situations. We rely on & maintain CDs TO:
• deny responsibility for our actions & ignore the harmful results
• avoid facing painful emotions, or having to change ourself
– even though acting on them ensures that we stay deprived.

IMAGE = Stress effects —->

PHYSICAL (PMES) RESULTS
As negativity drains our energy, the body’s defenses are lowered. (See: psycho-neuro-immunology)
• they contribute to eating disorders, from extremes of over-eating to a complete lack of appetite
• cause hyper-ventilation, faster & shallower breathing, lessening oxygen delivery with less nutrients getting to the whole system
• disrupt sleep, causing constant exhaustion, since many of us obsessively worry right before dropping off
• lead to excessive sweating, which removes blood flow to hands, making them cold & clammy
ALSO:
• contribute to the cause of some illnesses (along with diet, environment, genetics…), like auto-immune diseases, colitisCD illness, ulcers…. & shorten life by damaging the immune system.

• decrease activity in the brain’s temporal lobes, slowing down our ability to think & process info, & the cerebellum, causing poor memory, moodiness, depression

• increase & flatten heart rate, so that it has to work harder, less efficiently & over time can lead to heart disease
• increase muscle tension, leading to head, back aches & overall body pain
• make the body react chemically from fear, overworking the adrenal glands, which eventually get worn out

NEXT: CONSEQUENCES of CDs (Part 3)

CDs: CONSEQUENCES (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

CDS effects - 1  

WHAT A MESS I’VE MADE
I don’t know what I was thinking!

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconsc. #4

REVIEW all CDs posts

 

OVERVIEW
Our brains are predisposed to making connections between ideas, actions & consequences, whether they’re truly connected or not.
While most people have a few CDs, ACoAs struggle with them long-term, having been formed as a way of coping with ongoing painful & traumatic life events. (Review “Anxiety & T.E.A.“).

1. (T) THINKING
CDs are available to the conscious mind, but are usually slanted downward, (CDs –Summary), making holes in our reasoning. 3 themes have been observed (A Beck) :
• Depressed people dislike themselves
• Current events are always interpreted negatively
• The future is also appraised negatively

CDs are like termites, damaging the whole system. Conscious (overt) abusing thoughts as self-talk reinforce themselves, creating a feedback loop of self-harm. Studies show how CDs
impact a wide variety of —
• SOCIAL problems: child molestation (religious & non-church pedophilia), juvenile delinquency, chronic substance abuse….

• PERSONAL issues: depression & worry, OCD, Bi-polar illness, relationship troubles, lack of college success or job searches, physical health problems… partially caused by anxiety & prolonged stress

temite CDs✶ CDs are mental signs of deeper, unconscious damage which need to be addressed. The mantra used by the Behavior Modification school of psychology “Change your thinking, & all will be well” is not the whole story, doing a great disservice to many suffering people. If we change our surface thinking but not the underlying wounds (trauma), whatever improvements that do occur are rarely permanent.

• However, there’s no doubt that identifying & replacing (not changing) CDs does have a positive effect on well-being!

MENTAL / PRACTICAL (PMES) RESULTS
a. Hamper Decision Making
• CDs act as obstacles, stopping us from being productive by creating fear & worry that hold us back from doing something that could be beneficial
• they easily discount valuable new info that disagrees with our existing beliefs
EXP: ‘Anchoring’ can throw off negotiations by getting us stuck on an arbitrary value

• they interfere with the quality of our work – concentration & productivity – by draining energy, disturbing the nervous & digestive systems
• limit or eliminate leisure, fun, & time spent with family & friends
• greatly reduce or eliminate satisfaction in our achievements
• waste time & energy obsessing, so are a wasted use of our intelligence

b. Hamper Problem Solving
• lose time, energy & $$ spent fixing problems made by following CDs which could have been avoided
• impede creativity. EXP : a ‘Framing Bias’ will make us look at a problem too narrowly, while the ‘Illusions of Control’ can make us over-estimate how much influence our actions will have in a situationdecision-making

• can interfere with the 4 skills needed in Decision-Making:
i. define & formulate a problem
— able to understand its exact nature
— understand cause-effect relationships
— identify obstacle in the way of the goal
— form realistic objectives

ii. generate alternatives — able to brainstorm a variety of solutions
iii. make decisions– able to predict possible consequences & their likelihood, & conduct cost-benefit analysis of the desired outcome
iv. implement & verify a solution — able to optimally carry out a plan, monitor its effects, troubleshoot if the solution isn’t working
▶ and validate oneself when the outcome is successful!

c. Limit Learning
• they prevent us from going back to school to reach a goal or change careers (‘Disqualifying the Positive’, ‘Perfectionism’, Mental Filter’…)
• reduce how much we achieve (rather than what we’re actually capable of).
If we say “I can’t handle this”, “this is too hard” …. we probably won’t even try, since the subconscious believes what we say to ourselves
• short-circuit how much we can learn. The ‘Von Restorff Effect’ (also called the “isolation effect“) makes us over-emphasize some information, because it’s unusual,  over other info which may be more important. ‘Clustering Illusions’ can trick us into thinking we’ve absorbed more that we actually have.

NEXT: CD Consequences – Part 2

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

cds & emotions
I CAN HAVE EMOTIONS
without having to act on them!

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconscious (#3)

 

1. THINKING  (cont)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS 

b. The CONSCIOUS (cont)
Changing our thinking patterns is a continuous, sometimes frustrating process. The more we understand how our brain & the process of change works, & what to expect, the more hope & patience we can have!

RECOVERY: Correcting our thinking leads to a more peaceful inner world. As ACoAs, it’s helpful to remember that this state is something we have to get used to – most of us find it boring at first. Eventually we come to appreciate & cherish the internal quiet. This is not boredom – which is an aspect of thinking, not feeling. It’s rather a sense of well-being!

2. EMOTIONS 
• In general, emotions are stored as physical memories of our experiences & can be recalled by experiencing events in the present they remind us of. These emotions may be comforting, pleasurable, relieving, exciting… OR scary, rageful, lonely…. We can’t directly choose what we feel, only what we think.

• Researchers tell us that anxiety** responses such as “fight or flight” originally had adaptive value for the human species, & are still legitimate forms of protection. Active defensive measures such as – seworriednsitivity to sound, the startle response, shallow breathing & increased heart rate – help people escape real dangers.
However, we rarely face the external dangers our ancestors did, so now we’re flooded with those same stressful chemicals from internal pressures (CDs) without enough physical outlets to burn them off.
(Post:  Anxiety & T.E.As) 

**Anxiety (diffuse fear) is the nervous system’s response to internal or external stressors (a painful loss, self-hate, a fight with someone….) which intensifies how we feel & then act, but needs to be triggered by CDs & negative thinking.
This has been shown on brain imaging scans. However, since CDs are conditioned over time & become unconscious habit, we simply don’t recognize the source of our fear.

• Cognitive (T) psychologists believe that some people are more biologically predisposed than others to ‘threat-sensitivity’ & the distress it causes. In such people, once anxiety (E) is triggered, it’s maintained, & increased IF negative thinking is added to the mix.

Extreme physical responses related to CDs, set off by in stressful situations, can spread to & contaminate other parts of our lives – from mildly uncomfortable to actually dangerous.
EXP: Obsessive worry (T) caused by projecting the loss of a relationship  – which is not imminent – can provoke a panic attack (E), with the same physical intensity as if you were being held at gunpoint!

• As adults, ACoAs too often make the CD mistake of ‘Emotional Reasoning’, assuming that if we feel a certain way, it must be true:  “I’m really, really scared today, so it’s not safe to leave the house”!
The WIC is having an intense feeling about something going on in our life (an exam, a new job, a break-up…) & wants to hide.
But the sense of impending doom is way out of proportion to the actual situation. “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. And staying home alone may make it worse!

EXP: Your father may have only beaten you Many times or only occasionally) for stealing some change or sassing mom, that pain, fear & humiliation will always be associated with thoughts like “Dad doesn’t love me”, or “Parents are so unfair!”…. So now, anytime the boss (parent figure) is annoyed with you for making a mistake, you’re terrified, convinced you’ll get fired any minute now!

EXP : EMOTIONS re. ways adults can react to the death of a parent:
💦 A symbiotically attached ACoA will be devastated, partly from the loss of hope, partly from the depth of abandonment, perhaps also feeling guilt that things were left unfinished, & anger at being left. Sometimes they try suicide.

💘 A healthier person with sufficient S & I experience will be sad, mourning the loss & be aware that a permanent piece of their life is gone, but has a sound emotional & spiritual foundation to sustain them.

REVIEW posts: Emotional Maturity, and the series on EMOTIONS

NEXT: CDs – Results (#1)

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

sunrise
I CAN BRING TO LIGHT
what’s been hidden all these years!

PREVIOUS: CS & the Conscious (#2)

1. THINKING  (cont)

a. The UNCONSCIOUS (2. Emotions in Part 4)

b. The CONSCIOUS (cont)
MAKING CHANGES
• Consider the entry into the unconscious as a lens aperture.  It’s only natural that the wider the opening, the easier it is to let light in! We know that old info will try to keep out any new info that’s going to cancel it out!
So we need to use Recovery tools to become more receptive in this ‘adversarial’ situation, since too much tension closes us off to anything contradictory to our earliest training

When we begin to replace mental distortions (CDs) with positives, we may consciously say:
• “I’ve studied as much as I can & I’m not stupid.
• I’ve done well in the past, so I believe I’ll do well this time too.
• No matter what the outcome, I’ll be OK”

But because of unconscious programming,
at first we can expect :
💨 TO feel uncomfortable, because the statements don’t agree with the fear we’re experiencing at the moment
💨 TO have the PP tell us we’re ridiculous “Who do you think you are?”
💨 THE WIC to absolutely not believe you. Only the PP’s voice carries weight – until the UNIT is strong enough to takes over

• When we think: ”Oh no, what if I fail this test / I’ll never remember everything I read / I’m such a flake….” — we will feel anxious. This causes various physical reactions (tight stomach, heart pounding, headache….), which can add to the fear.

✶ This is to be expected!  Remember from INFO & the Brain: introducing new facts – contrary to what’s stored about a topic – will automatically be discounted. The unconscious is very good at maintaining the status quo.  As a built-in skill of the brain, it’s not a bad thing, as it helps retain consistency

• We can see how important it is for our minds to be stable & predictable when considering how crazy-making double-messages are! ACoAs got so many conflicting & confusing messages growing up that we end up convinced we’re crazy! But it’s not us.

add a positive ✓ One way to have access to the unconscious is to be physically & mentally relaxed. Also – liking something makes it more accessible.
Some ACoAs think it’s deceptive or arrogant to tell ourselves before an exam or interview: “….no matter what the outcome, I’m OK”.

So, instead, try : “I LIKE the idea of being ok, no matter what the outcome is…”,  which will dilate the aperture of the unconscious enough to slip in the rest: “… and I know that tomorrow I’ll remember what I read!”

• We don’t have to replace old beliefs – just add positive, healthy ones, creating different chemical pathways, which then take precedence as new mental habits.
The old routes will be less used, get weaker, & so not as easily fallen back into (regression). They’ll become a little like abandoned buildings – still there, but no longer lived in. This is good news for ACoAs who assume we have to get rid of all bad ideas before we’re ‘better’.

✓ The best time to substitute a subconscious thought pattern is when it’s currently playing in the mind, causing us anxiety.  Even though that’s when we “feel” least like doing it – replacing the thought right then will be most effective.

EXP: Picture being in a dive with a jukebox – if we push D4 (an event), a specific record will play (a CD) but this one is scratchy & annoying (painful emotions). That’s when it’s the exact time to put a new record on, to get rid of the grating noise!
But it doesn’t FEEL right (we refuse, as if it were illegal, and Mac-the-Knife is glowering at us — so it seems impossible.)

Yet, if we push thru the lead curtain of resistance, & “Rinse & Repeat” each time the old messages surface, it WILL get easier. Eventually we won’t have to work so hard to step on that old 45 & see it crack apart.
TIP: decide on a phrase or two that counters the Bad Voice (PP), & then practice them until they become automatic.

NEXT:   CDs & the Unconscious (#4)