self growth

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , ,

self-motivationTHERE REALLY ARE THINGS
I can do to get going

PREVIOUS: Putting things off, #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SITE: ‘Beating Procrastination’

 

2. NOW we put things off because of…. (in Part 3)
3. WHAT makes it HARD to act
a. Internal FEAR of // b. External FEAR of….

Internal & external fears can show up as: (cont.)
• Putting off tasks. Many of us find that our whole life is permeated with the ‘habit’ of waiting to the last-minute to do things. It doesn’t seem to matter whether the ‘thing’ is something we would like to do or something we dread. We just put it off & off & off.

— Then comes crunch time – the deadline has caught up to us. We’re in a panic, scrambling to do the task, but now it’s going to be half-baked. We don’t have enough time to do a thorough job, don’t read the instruction correctly (or at all), leave out or miss something. And by leaving it tot he lat minute it can never be done right
— OR the deadline has past & we don’t get the benefit of a discount, miss a class or a needed product, a reunion, a party….

▶ Of course we’re painfully aware of all this, but as long as we’re stuck: worried
— we’re full of anxiety & S-H for not doing it Perfectly
— we scare ourselves with dire projections & predictions about how we’re going to get judged, punished, fired….
— hate ourselves for letting a desired or favorable opportunity pass by

But, like any good addict, we’ll do it the same way all over again, & again! WHAT? How can this be an addiction? WELL…. in this case it’s the addiction to: Fear + Adrenalin + S-H = Drama. This formula has become so much a part of our lives since childhood that we keep doing things (or not) to re-enforce the chemical surges it creates.

Yet under this self-inflicted ‘excitement’, the WIC is just trying to protect itself the only way it knows how – by NOT doing anything. Yet it’s not enough to just label it as part of our ACoA damage, which it is. We need to know how it all got started (Past) & how we perpetuate it (Present).

4. GOOD Stuff can deter us too – we often sabotage when things get too good!
• fear of success, as that would disobey basic Toxic Rules, and we’d have a lot of responsibility which the WIC believes it can not handle – even tho our adult can/could

• not allowed to be happy, based on the belief that life is hard, exclusively, AND that we aren’t worthy of having good things anyway
• stay loyal to the family by not out-doing them – we must also be a failure, don’t show them up, stay in the family mobile, don’t rock the boat…

• can’t be decisive: sometimes there are places we thinks we should go to, but really didn’t like, or we don’t feel well, or want to do something else, or do nothing at all…. even when it’s potentially pleasurable or valuable.

But we aren’t allowed to say NO to the inner Pressure-er (“what will they think if I don’t show up? / what if I miss out on something / maybe this will have the perfect answer to all my problems?….”). So instead of firmly deciding Yes or No, we dither & obsess, do nothing & then hate ourselvesindecisive

• are never supposed to say NO to what someone else suggests, offers, wants – especially if it’s good for us. Besides “Why do they want to be with me? Why are they being so nice?” So for those times we don’t rush to people-please, we make promises we eventually flake out on, make excuses or just lie, until people get angry &/or give up on us.
— That comes both as a relief – of pressure, and a big pain – of yet again feeling ‘abandoned’! Trapped in our own no-win game, we blame others AND are filled with self-abuse

NEXT: ACoAs & Procrastination #5

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , ,

mananaMAÑANA, MAÑANA
I want to, but just can’t get going!

PREVIOUS: “Putting things off” Part 2

POST: “Why are you Stuck?”

 

2. NOW we put things off because of: ❓Feelings  // ❓ Knowledge
✳️ ULTIMATELY – we put things off :
a. so we won’t feel so alone – that inner loneliness of not having nurturing parents growing up! Being our own caretaker, being competent – even in small things – is an emotional reminder of how terribly alone we always felt as kids – no one to guide (only bully), no one to comfort (only control), no one to encourage (only shame)…. inner aloneness

• Instead of doing something positive, all that wasted time spent worrying, obsessing about things we’re not getting done actually serves a purpose for the WIC : it fills up the emptiness inside – where a good parent should be – the Inner Supporters we never had (early abandonment).

EXP: Pre-Recovery, Tina needed to replace a knob for her radio that had fallen off & was lost. She knew she had the manufacturer’s purchase list in her files, but felt a general lethargy about taking the action = all of 5 minutes to find, make the call & order the tiny part. It was several months before she did this simple task.

• In the mean time Tina had to turn the radio on & off by awkwardly using 2 fingers on the sound stub. When the part arrived, in a little pouch, it sat on her night table several more weeks. Eventually she ‘faced’ the great task of taking the knob out of the package & clicking it into place = all of 1 minute!

b. because we have a deep (usually unacknowledged) feeling of hopelessness. After all – the WIC believes that our actions are supposed to get us the love & attention we’re always craved, specifically from our parents (dead or alive!). The Child’s logic says – “since they hurt me & hated me, it has to be my fault, so I have to find a way to fix it.”

But no matter how hard we work at being the perfect son or daughter, we rarely achieve this wish. So eventually drowningtaking actions gets harder & harder. Scapegoat & Lost Child ACoAs give up trying a lot sooner than Heroes & Mascots, but they never give up wanting to be loved & accepted! They just pretend they don’t care!

c. we feel powerless to have any effect on our environment (being efficacious). We could never get our parents (& sometimes siblings) to notice us, listen to us, take us seriously, consider or feelings & needs. So why would we be able to influence anyone else in the world? If we have no ability to influence, then why even try to DO anything?

3. WHAT makes it HARD to act
a. Internal FEAR of —
• not doing everything Perfectly (a form of S-H)
• not knowing how to do something (even tho we’re actually very
smart, clever, creative, knowledgeable)
• not knowing what to say when challenged or attacked
• looking weak, needy, incompetent, lazy, stupid…..
• having to stand up for ourselvesstandup
• making the ‘wrong’ choice, when having several options, or many demands on us at the same time
• having to feel the loneliness & pain of our original abandonment

b. External FEAR of —
• getting disappointing, hurting or angering someone
• being judged harshly (the way we do to ourselves)
• asking for help when we really need it
• having to deal with difficult people
• being interrupted & lose our train of thought /activity
• having to make everyone else happy (not be in pain) but resenting it

These can show up as:
• Not being able to decide what to do first, when we have several options, or what to do at all (like with free time)
• Starting things (refinishing a pc. of furniture, art work, a book, even relationships…) but never / rarely finishing anything – IF for ourselves
• Can’t motivate ourselves – to have a life of our own, as in following our dreams, leaving bad relationships, moving to a better location….!

NEXT: Procrastination  Part 4

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

overwhelmed I’M OVERWHELMED
so I don’t do anything

SITE: “Fight Procrastination” – P. vs Payoff / P vs. Pain. charts

QUOTE: “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ~ Marthe Troly-Curtin


1. PAST Causes of Procrastination (cont)
d. Being put down  // e. dismissed or devalued
f. never (or rarely) acknowledged

g. Double Messages, leaving us feeling crazy – who constantly gave us confusing or conflicting messages about what was expected of us, or how to do things, so now we don’t trust our judgement

• Expected &/or forced to take care of them, never allowed to focus on ourselves, so now we refuse to use all that experience & creativity for ourselves, wanting someone else to do it for us. Been there, done that!

h. Punished (insulyelled atts, being hit, yelled at, sent to our room, made fun of, threatened….) – for having need, wants & emotions, as well as for not doing everything the ‘right’ way, ie. their way, or just not knowing how to do something – even tho we were too young, untrained & inexperienced, but they expected us to be mind-readers, & act like adults anyway!

• Absorbing & taking on our parent’s fear – who repeatedly warned us about the dangers of people, places & things, so we became fearful of everything too

i. Neglected, ignored – having to fend for ourselves – left alone to figure things out, when too young – not getting encouragement, guidance, ‘how to’ or just safe & loving company, which made us feel insecure & too alone.

ACoA “LOGIC”: I keep putting it off because –
• IF I ignore it long enough maybe it’ll magically go away
• I feel comforted – because not being fully functional keeps me from having to feel the abandonment pain of no one being there to teach, help or encourage me thru things when growing up

• It’s not fair that I have to do things by myself, for myself
• Since I hate doing it, I’ll wait until the very last hour or two, then cram in whatever I can manage. That way I’ll have an excuse for not doing it better (no time)

ALSO: maybe there’ll be a hail-mary save (rescued),
OR someone usually does show up to help at the last minute (luck), so I’ll just wait

🔆     🔅     🔆
2. NOW we put things off because of:
❓Feelings
• it reminds us of how we didn’t get helped as kids. All those ‘little’ abandonments add up to one big pain!Screen Shot 2015-09-06 at 3.59.01 AM
• automatically assume we’ll be abused, or left (A.) if we act on our own behalf

• haven’t learned how to deal with the PP voice that controls the WIC (Introject)
• we are deeply conflicted – to do or not do, to obey or disobey, to do it our way or theirs, to be separate or stay symbiotic…. and intense inner conflicts leave us paralyzed!
• afraid of ‘hurting’ others’ feelings OR having them be angry at us, which means getting emotionally abandoned (cut off)

❓ Knowledge
• we don’t know what’s actually stopping us (denial)
• we never actually learned process – how to get reach a goal by going thru a series of necessary steps. We look fcan't swimor instant grat, or we make a half-hearted attempt, or we take the least effective steps. When these don’t work we give up, rather than learn what actually works!

• we believe in our deepest being that anything we do has to be perfect, & not being able to that – we end up doing nothing
• anything we’ve figure out for ourselves is either wrong or not of any value (crap)
• don’t know how to do something AND can’t ask for help, OR feel like we have no one to ask
• afraid of what we’ll find out (outcome of a job interview, medical tests, how much is -or isn’t- in the bank…)

NEXT: “Procrastination” Part 3

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

lazy, sloppy
I DON’ WANNA –
so I just won’t!

PREVIOUS: Why are you stuck?

SITE: : “15 Ways to Productively Procrastinate”

POSTs: “What to do when Confused”

NOTE: In terms of T.E.A., this topic is about ACTIONs. When we say we’re stuck, it often means that we’re not able or willing to take actions we know are needed & good for us, or that we would like to do, but ‘can’t’.

ACoAs are ‘famous’ for putting things off.
Of course, there are the over-controlled action-junkies among us who are always doing, doing, doing : for work, for the family, for the community – but not for ourselves. For these ACoAs, the ‘putting off’ issue is about not taking care of our own needs.

1. PAST Causes of Procrastinationchaos
These situations happened from the very beginning of our lives:
• Endless family chaos. No matter what we started (studying, playing, chores, going to bed….) or how hard we worked to put something together (a project), some drama or another would take precedence. Our life kept getting sidetracked by someone else’s mess or bigger needs. We’d have to start all over again, or never get back to it at all

a. Lack of positive Mirroring: not having someone clearly reflect back to us how we do things, what our personal style is, how our mind works, what our specific abilities are…. SO we always end up saying “I don’t know who I am, what I like, what I want to do when I grow up…”,  even though since then we’ve had a lifetime of experiences, learning, accomplishments…. which give us lots of definite hints & signs

• Nothing was ever good enough:
— parents constantly criticized everyone & everything, arbitrarily
— we were never acceptable (much less appreciated) – they found fault with our taste & choices (clothes, music, friends… )
— criticized, made fun of or punished for not knowing things, not for “doing better”….
— AND for being too smart, intuitive, clever, artistic….(parents were threatened & jealous)accordion girl

b. Forced to do, learn or study something we hated or genuinely did not suit our True Self – sometimes for years (sports, camping, an instrument, a particular profession… spending time with hated family members, sent away to school, put to work in hated family business …), so now we do as little as possible or as poorly as we can get away with

c. Being constantly discouraged / undermined by the adults when we talked about our opinions, plans, dreams (“There’s no future/ money / jobs… in X / That’s dumb… / Don’t waste your time on Y…..”)
— OR not allowed to help them with anything – chores, working on the car, cooking, painting the house, decorating…. as if we were too slow or too dumb, so we think we can’t do things

d. Being put down when we actual did something – trying to figure out how to do a new task, taking longer to learn something than they had patience for (none), not ‘getting’ something (like math)
— ALSO, insulted, attacked, made fun of…. for things we naturally did really well (games, sewing, sports, art, languages…), especially if they could NOT do it as well or at all, pushing their insecurity or envy buttonsdiscouraged

e. Had dismissed or devalued whatever good we tried to do, like wanting to help, showing concern, being on our best behavior, suppressing ourselves to please them…. even the gifts we made or bought for them were ignored, given away or returned!

f. Were never (or rarely) acknowledged – much less – praised for what we did accomplish.
Kids need validation for any effort, without it having to be of world-class quality. So now we don’t value our accomplishments either!

NEXT: Procrastination =  Part 2

WHY ARE YOU STUCK?

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , ,

unstuck LITTLE BY LITTLE
dismantle your prison

PREVIOUS: What to do when Confused – #7

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


WHY we’re stuck
There may be several reasons. Here we’re concerned with the many Toxic Beliefs* we carry with us from our childhood experiences.

✶ Our fear is strong & pervasive, but the main cause for that in the present is what we are THINKING! Change that & we’re free!
NOT being able to pursue & reach our needs & desires is caused by intense inner conflict between what we consciously desire VS the family rules coming from the Introject (PP = bad parent voice), whispering or screaming at the WIC, causing in S-H

• OBEYING the Toxic Beliefs guarantees that we stay trapped, continually failing, feeling more & more hopeless, even suicidal. BUT, they’re so much a part of us, we may not even know we’re being coerced by ideas that were created for us (deliberately or not, it doesn’t matter).

To get UNSTUCK – we need to know & own these self-destructive Rules, counter them & then slowly change our actions, ie. Only follow the New Rules!

IRONICALLY, these old beliefs are very hard to give up, because:
• the Inner Child actually believes them!pain
• following them represents loyalty to our family

GIVING them up would mean:
• getting in touch with the PAIN of our damage
• seeing what we missed out on (a loving, healthy family)
• having to give up what we thought was our ‘identity’ (our False Self
& one or more Roles)
• having to become our own person (S & I), grow up emotionally, make our own choices, be responsible for ourselves & our actions  – stop waiting to be rescued.

BELOW is one FORM to use whenever you want to know what’s going on in your head – what toxic beliefs are keeping you from getting what you want in life (use it separately for each topic or issue that’s bothering or confusing you), AND another FORM to make your corrections

➼ Please DON’T just say “I don’t understand this”, or “I don’t know how to do it” & give up.  That’s mainly resistance, even if you’ve never done this particular exercise before.  Anyone who has read self-help books & done therapy will definitely be able to fill these out, given some thought, but even if you never have, you can always ask for help from someone who knows you well.  Don’t worry if your answers are similar each time you use the forms. That’s to be expected.

resistSTART by identifying a problem you want to correct OR a goal you want to achieve, but haven’t been able to, so far. Suggested ‘Issues’ “What‘s stopping me from:
• starting a new career?  • looking for a new job ?  • leaving a harmful relationship?  • standing up for myself?  • letting go of my damage?  • cleaning up my apartment?  • studying  my artistic passion? ….”

1. FORM A – What’s familiar: using T.E.A. (Thoughts, Emotions & Actions), to ‘hear’ the damaged part of our thinking
•  Column 1. “Emotions” can be filled in right away if you’re very upset & know what you are feeling, otherwise —

— go to Column 2, filling in as many negative thoughts as you can (one for each category is ok if that’s all you can think of). Make sure you separate out what you’re thinking about yourself VS what you’re assuming about others (projecting)

•  If you left the first column empty, now add any emotions you’ve become aware of relating to the beliefs
• Then list the ways you ACT in response to those beliefs

2. FORM B – What is possible: Reversing patterns of thoughts & behavior will modify fear & greatly improve your experiences in life.
Use the same procedure as in Form A. but change the harmful beliefs to HEALTHY, positive & hopeful ones, & then keep the list with you at all times so you can review & internalize them

• Based on that –  you can practice changing you ACTIONS, starting in small ways, whenever you can. Plan ahead how you’re gong to change an old pattern & try it out.

• In this case the Emotions column is last because you may not know how you feel until you try our new behaviors & get some positive results. Don’t be surprised if you have uncomfortable emotions (as well as pleasant ones), which come from your WIC and/or PP.  Just let them be. Comfort your kid, tell the PP (Introject) to leave your kid alone, & focus on enjoying the relief & pleasure of living well (the best revenge!).

Sample PROBLEM :
“Why can’t I make & keep friends / lovers / bosses who are healthier, compatible & supportive??”

You may need help from a therapist, friend, sponsor or healer – to IDENTIFY the NEGATIVE and POSITIVE beliefs. Don’t be ashamed to ask!


MAKE several BLANK copies of these 2 FORMS,  and try it out on one of YOUR issues

NEXT : ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 1)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 7)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: What to do when…#6

Questions: Personal Strengths Inv

POST: ACoA Time-line Inventory

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
3. PRIORITIZE // 4. OPTIONS

5. INVENTORIES (cont)
a. Venn Diagram Inventory (in Part 5)
b. Fill in the charts in the

c. OUTLINE in Part 6
EXP #2 – Woman with Bad Parent
EXP #1 – Man with Inner Child

EXP #3 – Adult to Wounded Inner Child
Adult: WHEN YOU (Inner child) constantly people-please or give in to a parent, adult-child, friend, lover (or potential), boss ……(A)
Adult: I FEEL (E) your longing, loneliness, emotional hunger (E) Qsand I know YOU BELIEVE that (T) :
no one is ever going to like you just for yourself, so you have to go out of your way to make yourself indispensable or at least to not make any waves – at all

Adult: BUT I PREVENT YOU (WIC) FROM:
stopping me from standing up for us (which prevents humiliation)
BY (actions & words – A & T) setting boundaries, saying what I need to take care of you, admitting I don’t know something, asking for something I/you want that’s fun, leaving harmful or unsuitable PPT (people, places, things), getting warm support…..

because it’s less painful than for :
a. You to FEEL: (E) rage, abandonment, boredom, sadness, frustration ….
b. both of us having to DEAL WITH (A): people taking advantage or walking all over us, ignoring, demanding, controlling, verbally or physically abusing….us

NOTE: An indicator of Recovery growth for ACoAs is not being ‘kid-whipped’ – when our Adult ego state is in charge more often. And being emotionally healed enough that we can say NO when appropriate without fear or guilt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INTERESTING: The human brain is a pattern-recognition machine – able to identify related things, connecting them into a meaningful whole. This skill helps us recognize everything from underlying themes in literature, to deep structure in science & math, to anticipating hidden complications in relationships, to seeing solutions to work problems. With experience, we gather a subconscious familiarity with the basic nature of the world which we can hardly verbalize, but instinctively act on

It’s why confusion can be so uncomfortable, but it can also have an up side:
a. NOT assuming there’s only one correct way to resolve a problem lets us explore lots of potential options, giving us a deeper, broader sense of the issues involved
b. NOT knowing answers creates a powerful drive to figure things out. We’re motivated to look deeper & more thoroughly for solutions, & so find things we wouldn’t have otherwise.

To encourage this, we can:
• expose ourselves to interesting but unfamiliar info
• tackle a new problem without instructions – instead of coming up with the ‘right’ answer – generate lots of ideas about its ‘parts’, & suggest potential solutions, leading us to perform better on future problems

• test ourselves before learning about a new subject – using only minimum info, like chapter titles. Speculating about material we haven’t seen yet will help us learn it better once we do look at it, having provided “fertile ground” in the brain for encoding knowledge when it’s eventually available (like answers to your Qs)

6. CONSULT
• Once you’ve done some inventories, perhaps considered some actions, you may want to run it by someone else, especially for the ‘big’ decisions. You have the right to ask & get help & encouragement from safe people, BUT ultimately the choices are yours alone

• Go to someone you know is trustworthy (not family), who will:
– just listen & not give advice (no agenda) & validate your emotions
– can help you work through any confusion you may still have, look at pros & cons, options, real limitation…..
– won’t be judgmental or expect you to have the answers
– provide mirroring (feed back your wishes & needs, not theirs)
– encourage your autonomy (“You CAN decide”)

• Ask them if you can book-end, used when you want or need to take an action that makes you nervous & unsure (Call for support, take action, call back with results)

• CHECK – After taking an action, did you get the concrete results you hoped for? How did others respond? Was anything missing? Were the benefits greater than you imagined?….

• EMOTIONAL – How did taking that action feel:  Make you happy & more confident, or leave you feeling empty or bad about yourself? Were you disappointed & less satisfied, or you did feel stronger & empowered ?

NEXT: Why are you Stuck?

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

 

PREVIOUS: What to do….#5

POST: “ACTIONS – healthy opposites”

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
3. PRIORITIZE // 4. OPTIONS

5. INVENTORIES (cont)
REMINDER: ACoAs were trained to thinking the worst about ourselves. So doing many different kinds of inventories is crucial. Knowledge is power, & we already know a great deal (“I know what I know”), & the rest we can learn. MOST IMP – every Character list needs to be a positive one, about our core Self & what we aspire to. This is crucial to being clear-headed, the opposite of confused. (More….)

a. Venn Diagram Inventory (in Part 5)

b. Fill in the charts in the “Why are you stuck?” post
Choose responses that strengthen your True Self. Which ones:
• have value & importance to you or to the activity you’re engaged in
• are realistically do-able, at your present level of skill & Recovery
• make you feel good about yourself, especially afterward
• keep you in reality, rather in escape mode

• are the most enjoyable for your Inner Child (must be healthyassessment)
• are the least emotionally painful (if all choices will hurt) – OR
• have the least harmful consequences to yourself – AND
• benefit your personal growth / recovery the most
• break a Toxic Rule – which will empower you

c. Use this T.EA. version of “Relationship FORM A” for yourself. ⬇ Pick any topic you’re dealing with
EXP 1.  The WIC’s reaction to something the Adult wants / needs to do
EXP 2. The PP’s reaction to something the Adult wants / needs to do
EXP 3. The healthy UNIT talking to the WIC (in Part 7)

These are not dialogues, but rather info about the damage ego states.
For that see the “UNIT” posts & Lucia C’s workbook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: WHEN I (the Adult) WANT TO / THINK ABOUT (A)  __________________________
CHILD or PP: I/you FEEL (E) ______________________________________
because I/you BELIEVE that (T) _______________________________________________________
SO I/you PREVENT YOU/ME (the adult) FROM _________________________________________________________________
BY (actions & words – A & T) _______________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
because it’s less scary than having to:
a. FEEL (E) ________________________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (A & T) ____________________________________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Qs

EXP #1 – Man with Inner Child
MAN: WHEN I WANT TO approach & talk to any woman I find very attractive

CHILD: I FEEL afraid, ashamed, embarrassed (Es)
because I BELIEVE that I’m not attractive, I’ll be awkward, won’t really know what to say, I’ll be boring, she’ll see right thru me (not lovable) ….(Ts)

SO I (WIC) PREVENT YOU (adult) from approaching an attractive woman
BY thinking I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me, “Who do you think you are…” (Ts)
— because it’s less scary than having to:
a. FEEL humiliated, rejected Es)
b. and/or DEAL WITH being ignored, OR ending up with someone I’ll either have to take care of OR who will try to control me (A & T)

NOTE: The WIC comes from S-H & FoA, so believes that ALL outcomes will end up in painful abandonment, never with any successful or happy ones. Paralyzing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QsEXP #2 – Woman with Bad Parent
WOMAN (adult): When I THINK ABOUT giving up trying to stop you from drinking:

Pig Parent (Introject) : I churn up FoA panic & guilt in your WIC (Es)
because I (PP) remind YOU (adult-child) that it’s all your fault that I’m miserable (“Why did I have to have a kid like you!?), AND I n-e-e-e-d you (VERY confusing)
so that the kid (WIC) will stay convinced that unless you keep trying, I’ll die, & then you’ll die (Ts)

SO I (PP) PREVENT YOU (adult) from forming & maintaining your boundaries
BY making you remember how I (real mother) blame, whine, attack verbally / physically, drink more, get sick, am depressed, threaten suicide…. (As)

— because it’s much safer than having to:
a. FEEL my abandonment & S-H, being lonely, helpless, incompetent….
b. &/or DEAL WITH taking care of myself, being responsible for my actions (A)

NOTE: The PP holds the actual parent’s S-H & FoA, which we =as children – picked up as a burden to carry for them – out of love. But added to our own, it pounds us into the ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

❇ Identifying what our unhealthy inner ego states are telling us gives us clarity to counter the confusion, so our ADULT can override the self-defeating thoughts.

NEXT: What to do… #6

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

WHEN I’M CONFUSED
it’s OK to ask for help

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#4)

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
2. SIMPLIFY // 3. PRIORITIZE

4. OPTIONS (cont)
THE “LAW”: Being trapped as kids in endlessly dire situations without any possible ‘out’ left ACoAs with the Toxic Rule: “If you don’t like it you have to stay”. Controlling parents also taught us: “It’s MY way or the highway”  & “Who do you think you are?”.  Not only were we not allowed to leave bad situations, but we shouldn’t think for ourselves or disobey the ruling demigods – lest we be destroyed!

• That is how the WIC actually experienced our parent(s): as ‘gods’, and so disobedience = our death. If that seems extreme, imagine the terror in a small child trying to defy the angry, abusive authoriparents as godty.

OR, remember the intensity of your anxiety, as an adult, when you’ve said NO to a parent or mate, or tied something totally our of your comfort zone. Haven’t yet?  As long as we still hold these crippling beliefs we have little or no wiggle room, making it hard >to >impossible to take effective actions

EXP: Shona’s father had given her a few of his extra tools to use in her first apartment after college. 20 yrs later she was still struggling to making do with them for every repair job, no matter how unsuited they were for a particular task!

Eventually Shona realized this was a metaphor for the way she lived the rest of her life, & decided to work on expanding her sense of possibilities – starting at the most practical, undramatic level. Occasionally she’ll stop in a hardware store & just LOOK at the huge variety of items – each made for a specific operation!
Imagine making life easier by having the right tool!

APPLY this to all areas of life – & start by finding out what’s available – what are your options in a given situation. While there are realistic limits to our capacities & to what we can afford, they’re NOT nearly as narrow as we believe.  Of course with Amazon, eBay, Google…. – just about anything can be delivered!😀 Anyway – in T.E.A. terms, Emotions also come in a wide range, many ways to Think about something & a variety of ways to DO things.

The latter can certainly apply to small daily choices like what to wear or eat —> all the way to big ones like where to live, which job & relationship to pick or stay in…. One teacher repeats month after month: “Don’t be negative, just be open!” – a new rule to live by.

5. INVENTORIES
a. Venn Diagram Inventory
PURPOSE: to get an overview of where you stand on any aspect of your life right now
USE: You can make the chart into a collage, use the computer or just free-hand it on a large sheet of paper

The biggest circle (Spirituality) is the background to our whole life.

EACH person’s Diagram will look different.
If you’re ambitious or curious, you can make one for where you were 10 or 20 yrs ago, as a comparison.

• Think about all the areas of your life, & decide their relevant importance to you at present. Change or add any not listed.
• Draw / cut the size circle for each topic as it relates to their current importance

• Play with the positions of circles…. change them around until the chart feels right. Place them close to, overlapping or far away from each other, depending on how they connect in real life

• Label circles, & draw lines to form pie wedges in each one.
— You decide how many lines (slices) based on how many problems & victories for each – you’ll probably have to guess-timate
IMP: each slice represents an issue related to the circle’s topic

a. Fill in a slice for any aspect of that topic you’re confident you have a good handle on(never perfectly)
EXP: No longer use drugs & alcohol

b. Zig-zag or cross hatch slices that are aspects you’re still working on but making progress. The degree of progress in one may be different than in another slice. Make zig-zag density accordingly
EXP: Get to places on time more often

AND THEN: Most likely there will always be one or more empty slices – representing:
c. Grey– things about a topic you know need correcting / a change but are not ready / willing to tackle

d. Blank– problems / challenges about that topic you simply don’t know you need to work on – yet

NEXT: What to do…. #6

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS: what to do when…. #3

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
2. SIMPLIFY

3. PRIORITIZE
In most of our families – every experience carried equal weight – always boring & unavailable OR dramatic & dangerous. So we never got a chance to learn ‘sane’ ways of accomplishing things, which would include: Having options, nuances & small chunks…. (Part 2),
AND —
Prioritizing activities – what needs to be done, & in what order?
1. Most urgent first (a health issue, work project, returning a call….)
2. Housekeeping, maintenance – pick one thing each day & do it
3. Relaxation, entertainment & hobby – pick one thing a week & do it

When there are several tasks, ask yourself:
= What will take the longest to do? How much time do I have right now?
= What’s the hardest for me? Will I need help to accomplish it?
= Do I have to decide something right now? or have time to consider
= Which one will I have to study for, & what’s the purpose?

OR ask the boss : immediately (past due), in the near future (this month), in the next few months, or whenever you can fit it in. Al-anon teaches us to ask: “How important is it?”- literally!compulsion

• This can be hard for ACoAs to answer—
— if the goal, task, activity… is strictly for ourselves. After all, no self-respecting co-dependent is self-motivated 😟. We can move mountains for others but not even a pebble for ourselves!
— AND when the I.C. has a lot of anxiety & wants to do something – immediately, the self-destructive way, to douse the fires of old terror

• Will taking this action AND/OR spending this money create problems in taking care of my other needs ? (protecting my kid from more abandonment & abuse, caring for my health, paying rent, food, meds or other bills)
• If the answer is YES – then think twice about taking that action.  If the impulse is very strong, call someone who can help you deal with the painful EMOTIONS behind the anxiety pushing you. Do an Al-Anon phone meeting, pray or meditate, go to the gym, read soothing literature, take a walk ….

Once you’ve been able to made a priority list, only do one thing on it – especially if that’s all the time you have. If that one thing also needs to be cut down into chunks, do one & then mark it off.
Seeing tasks ticked off can be satisfying, & encourages us to do continue, the next day / next time. High powered executives only to a few things at the top of their list every day. Of course most of us don’t have a staff to do the little stuff, but REMEMBER – without inner conflict most things take a lot of less time than we think!

4. OPTIONS
One of the many reasons ACoAs have trouble making decisions is that we either don’t know that we have alternative choices, or we’re not allowed to make use of any options we’re aware of. We’re stuck following a pre-set course & nothing else is possible – for us!

EXP: It always amazed Bonita that some women could just walk out on a date if they didn’t like how it was going – more than one women in a restaurant has excused herself “to the bathroom” & then snuck out the back. What a concept!
In her younger days she never would have thought of that, much less done it. As a small child she was trapped in many situations, forced to sit alone in a church pew, at a dinner table, in a stranger’s home – without moving or causing trouble. “Children should be seen & not heard”.

• ACoAs are known for only thinking in B & W. Our traumatized WIC still doesn’t know there are ‘gray’ areas/ possibilities, & certainly doesn’t believe there are any actual positive, pleasant, safe options for us. We see ALL situations & people asscary, that have to be white-washed to make tolerable, because we aren’t allowed to leave when they really are bad for us. “Should I get a divorce or have a dinner party?” asked one very distraught ACoA woman. Hmmm.

NEXT: What  to DO when… (#3)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: What to do …(Part 2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
Before anything else we need to know what our goal is. Oh no! That means having permission, knowing our needs & letting our ADULT choose the actions.
What’s your bottom line GOAL? Are you pursuing it or still protecting your Negative Benefits?  EXPs:
• re. GOING OUT: is it to stop being so lonely & risk being disappointed, but maybe gain friendship, good info, new opportunities ….
OR is it to protect yourself at all cost by hiding out & continue starving!?

• re. WORK: is it to do a job search, no matter how long it takes, to find something more suitable & better paying
OR stay in a place you’ve outgrown or hate, so you don’t have to make the effort of improving your life?

• re. SELF-CARE: is it to gain a sense of personal power & get needs met (no matter how small),
OR is it to wait endlessly for someone else to come along & rescue you?

• re. ASKING QUESTIONS: is it to get help, knowledge, attention….
OR is it having to always be right, to know everything, to be ‘self-sufficient’?

• re. STANDING UP for yourself: is it to get a need met, without anger
OR suffer in silence & stay resentful?

• re. RELATIONSHIPS: is it to work toward & eventually leave a dead-end or destructive relationship that continually hurts you (even tho it may bring up pain in the short-term – but in the end be a relief, an opportunity to heal & the freedom to choose better next time)
OR is it to stay endlessly, & be in denial that it keeps adding to your low self-esteem, generates more humiliation, anger, sadness….?

2. SIMPLIFY
Small chunks – practice chopping down any task into bite size actions, based on what you can swallow at the moment. ACoAs are in the habit of being overwhelmed by goals in general, & by some that no one can possibly do all at once, but for some insane reason we think we should be able to!
In spite of the fact that current reality is usually not as grim as our childhood was – we still opt for staying overwhelmed rather than simplify whatever is going on in the present, right?

terrifiedClearly – that attitude comes from the WIC’s beliefs–
• who is terrified of breaking any of the Toxic family Rules because if we actually got things accomplished & our needs met via reasonably sized actions – that would trigger the ‘inevitable’ punishment of abandonment, from family or anyone else (RULES: “Must always struggle but never get there”, “Don’t outshine us”, “All risks are dangerous”)….
AND
• who is still convinced we don’t know how to do anything! since we were expected to know & do all sort of impossible things even as very small children, without anyone bothering to show us how or being a good example! Many of us got the message “Just do it!”

EXP: Anyone remember the 1980’s TV show “The Greatest American Hero”?  A high school teacher was given a super-hero costume by aliens, with the manual, which he lost in the shock of the encounter. Each episode was about how he had to figure out how to use the suit & all the trouble it / he caused because he didn’t know how it worked. Sounds a lot like our lives!
BUT
• who refuses to acknowledge all the years of accumulated knowledge & experience we HAVE gathered along the way since those early harrowing days, because then he/she would lose an excuse for waiting to be rescued!

NEXT: What to do when….. #4