recovery

Cognitive Distortions – Intro (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
That doesn’t make sense!

PREVIOUS: Why are you Stuck?

ARTICLE: “Thoughts Change Brain Chemistry”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

1. DEF: Cognitive Distortions (CDs ) are forms of  false logic, called stinkin’ thinkin’ in AA, which are the technical ideas behind the ACoA Laundry List  – therefore represent self-defeating ways of Thinking.   (List of CD in Part 4)

They are ways our mind convinces us of things that are not actually true but sound rational if not looked at carefully. They’re used to reinforce negative beliefs & painful emotions, which only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves, & create constant problems in relationships.

A CD is: “Any type of inaccurate way of dealing with information, which predictably results in identifiable errors in thinking”. This includes:
– Deficient Processing, causing an unwanted consequence because we didn’t think about it at all, or didn’t think it all the way thru to its inevitable outcome – ignoring prior knowledge
– Deficient Thinking, which causes something to go wrong because of a faulty filter (CDs) applied to available information about a situation

NOTES
• Anyone can use cognitive distortions. However – active addicts, people with low self-esteem &/or anyone living in traumatic, stressful, ‘trapos/neg newspped’  environment – will use these skewed ways of thinking more often than those who have easier lives.
The day-to-day situations of some, like war survivors, gang members, battered wives, the underprivileged, many addicts & millions of suffering children…. are so wretched & fear-filled, that without cognitive distortions, they wouldn’t be able to manage or function

• One study showed that depressed & non-depressed people were equally able to learn negative information, but depressed people found it much harder to learn / take in / remember positive information. Everyone seems to easily remember negative events, but depressives focus on them.
(Journal of Behavior Therapy & Experimental Psychiatry, 3/09)

• Kendall (1992) suggested that more accurate perceptions of the world do not always lead to better mental health or behavioral adjustment. CDs that are positively skewed can be very useful in certain environments, although a ‘too positive’ view of things may just be narcissism (or being dissociated / or in denial)!

thinking brain2. OUR BRAIN – A little Chemistry as it relates to our THINKING
a. Our brains has hundreds of different types of chemicals, arranged in a highly complex design.
Stimuli (what we hear, see, think, do, feel…) trigger 30 + known neuro-transmitters.  Some are relatively stable structural molecules that create the anatomy (hardware) of the brain.  Others are non-structural, making the physiology (software). It takes both types of chemicals to make our brain work.

• This chemistry influences hormone secretion from various sites throughout the brain, such as the hypothalamus & pituitary, and these hormones then carry messages to distant organs in the body (Post: ‘Anger & the Brain, Part 1‘)

b. THOUGHTS cause actual microscopic changed in this elaborate system. Each of the billions of brain cells make connections with others when stimuli or thoughts trigger chemical discharges (the neuro-transmitters). Electrical impulses, via ions, send that information throughout the central nervous system.

c. The biochemicals released whenever we think are pumped into the bloodstream, creating changes in the whole body. Every thought is embedded at some level in the molecules of our brain.
One group of chemicals is triggered by a negative state of mind (like adrenalin & cortisol, changes in norepinephrine levels, & a serotonin deficiency), while others (like serotonin & dopamine) are generated by positive thoughts. (from “Open2Transformation”)

d. All beliefs we mentally nurture (repeat / obsess about) actually influence brain chemistry. In general, the more we think something, the more connections are formed about it.  But harmful ones, such as project the disastrous outcome of an event, block the flow of energy to the whole body.

– ACoAs who constantly think scary, self-hating, what-if thoughts have formed deep grooves, with different neural links, making those the path of least resistance (easiest).
– In contrast, repeating pleasant, realistic, hopeful ideas will get stronger by forming their own grooves, which provide the impetus to become practical life-affirming habits (actions).

NEXT: CDs – Intro (Part 2)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

I GET IT –
this has little or nothing to do with ME

PREVIOUS: Positive responses #5

SITE: 6 Steps to Help you Handle Conflict

 

4. APPROPRIATE ACTIONS Circle (cont)
🔸BETTER ways to respond (cont from Parts 4 & 5) :
a. Say nothing / b. Review /
c. Speak Up / d. Walk away / e. Rebut / f. Iron out

g. Arbitration
Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.54.22 PM.pngSometimes the only way to resolve a dispute is to get help from a 3rd party.  This may be couples counseling, a minister, a lawyer, a respected colleague or friend. Don’t feel ashamed or afraid to ask for help!

h. Legal Action – the Final “Solution”
When we’ve tried every other method of communication & the other party either doesn’t respond, or continues to be abusive, this option may be the only recourse to getting a situation corrected.  It may be money that’s owed, rights being violated, or someone putting us in physical danger.  We have a right to protect ourselves – even if it’s from a family member!

NOTE: If we’re having a conflict with an unrecovered person or group (especially if they’re narcissists &/or active addicts), no matter how ‘clean’ our own motives & actions are, it’s likely they will be angry at us IF we stand up for ourselves.

If you believe you’ve done all you can, in a respectful way, DO NOT let your own co-dependence tell you that you’ve done something wrong, just because the other person is unhappy that you’re sticking to your truth!

Recovery RE-CAP – The goal of dealing with a stressor is to:
1. Acknowledge our painful emotions
2. Identify which of our buttons got pushed
3. Pay attention to any Cognitive Distortions
4. Find an appropriate way to vent our fear and anger
5. Take the appropriate actions to take care of ourselves without being vengeful
6. Look for possible realistic solution where both parties win
7. Move on if that’s the only option.
🧎🏽‍♂️   💔   🧎🏽‍♂️
ACoA DILEMMA
When ACoAs are told by someone that our relationship, employment or partnership is over (any type), we’ll be flooded with emotional & physical pain, because of the agony of feeling abandoned. Even if some part of us is relieved, it’s very hard to accept that the other person / company / group doesn’t want us – just like or family!

Typically – we’ll want to hang on & maybe try to convince them to change their mind – beg, bully, cry, demand, whine, kiss-butt, make unrealistic promises — but ultimately the other person says:  ‘I’m outa here’,  ‘you’re fired’,  ‘don’t come back’ ….

▶ When ACoAs are told that we have to ‘let go’ of someone who does not care about us, or does NOT want to be with us,
the response of our WIC is often : “NO! Why should ONLY they get what they want (leaving)?
What about what I want (to hang on)? If I let go, they win!”
REALITY  
YOU don’t** win anything IF the other person:
• stays UNwillingly from weakness, inertia, their own FoA …. or
• lets you stay (marriage, job, apartment….) from pity, guilt, co-dependent kindness, religion….

**RESULT – Someone allowing themselves to be manipulated or coerced by us does not indicate their acceptance, nor magically generates genuine love for us. Our kid does know that – on some deep level. Ignoring this truth keeps us feeling unsafe & having to endlessly ‘sing for our supper’ – without ever getting nourished!

OUR DAMAGE
OF COURSE, in many cases we simply don’t have a choice. They’re gone.
But if you’re still hanging on & on – knowing you’re not wanted (OUCH!) – it’s because you won’t admit the other person:Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.55.05 PM
• is not actually capable of loving you & never did (your fantasy) and/or
• has used you up & doesn’t need you anyone !(their narcissism)
Bottom line: if you were to accept the ending, your S-H tells you that no one else will ever want you & then you’ll be alone forever. Sound familiar?

RECOVERY
When we develop Mental & Emotional health we learn that:
• we have the right to be loved & accepted for who we really are, without ‘prostituting’ ourselves (‘love buying’)
• we can only get that from people who are already capable of healthy connections & who are genuinely compatible with us

NEXT: Cognitive Distortions

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

floral 5NOW I HAVE MANY MORE CHOICES
than when I was a child

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses (#4)

SITE: 10 Tips for Handling Work Conflict

3 POSTS: ACoAs Dealing with CRITICISM

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Review “Events+Emotions+PositiveThinking” parts of chart

4. APPROPRIATE ACTIONS Circle (cont)
🔸BETTER ways to respond (cont. from Part 4) =
 a. Saying nothing

b. Review
If the “problem” Event was the result of one or both people not listening carefully to what each was saying, & then jumping to a conclusion —> what’s needed is for us to check if what we heard was what was they meant. T.E.A. will include:
🚦paraphrasing each side, then asking for validation (Yes) or clarification (No). Acknowledge what each person felt (Es) about the dispute, & see if there’s a legitimate, respectful conclusion / agreement – or not  (T or A)

c. Speak Up
For this to be effective it has to come from the Healthy Adult ego state.  When we’re able to do that, it breaks the spell of tit-for-tat between the WIC-PP interactions of any 2 people, or one person in an unsympathetic group

EXP: Joe & Bev are in a good long-term relationship. In the early days when they were ironing out some kinks, Joe occasionally expressed frustration with himself: “I’m no good for nothing!”
One time, annoyed with Bev, he said “You’re no good for nothing”.
She didn’t comment, knowing he was projecting his self-hate. More importantly – she could feel in every cell of her body that the remark did not apply to her.  So Bev calmly replied: “You know, that’s not a nice thing to say to anyone, Joe”.  And he never said it again!

d. Walk Away
walk away There are times when physically leaving is the best option.  It may only happen once in a whole relationship – but it is a way of saying to the other person:
• I won’t put up with this, but I won’t fight with you
• I can’t stop you from being a jerk, but I don’t have to listen
• it’s better if I leave than say something I’ll regret
• you’re obviously not being an adult right now (either coming from PP or WIC) & I’m not going to interact with you until you are
• if you continue talking to / treating me this way, we’re done!

speak upe. Rebut / Disagree
It’s legitimate to correct a person’s misconception or outright lie about us
— IF we can do it from a calm place – because we’re secure in our self-evaluation &
— IF the other person / group is receptive.
This is not arrogance or anxiety, it’s simply making a statement of fact.
We don’t have to actually convince someone we’re right. What’s important is that our WIC will know we stood up for the truth

f. Iron it Out
If a job or a relationship is important enough to us, we can try working it out with the ‘adversary’. For it to have any value, each party has to be able to acknowledge their side of the problem, without blame.
✶ It does not guarantee a ‘happy ending’, only self-respect
EXP:
Maxine & Denise have been friends for a while but not BFFs.  One day they’re talking about their taste in clothes. Maxine knows Denise was once a fashion designer & is pushing for an opinion on her newest purchase. Denise makes the mistake of giving an honest evaluation, which hurts Maxine’s feelings, who then gets a little nasty.

• They go home upset but decide the following week to talk about it. When they get together again, they’re both able to own what they reacted to – what was behind Maxine’s question, why Denise was so blunt & what buttons got activated in each.
They leave the dinner knowing they’ve cleaned up the small mess between them & feel good about that. However, they also realize they both have unhealed wounds that happen to overlap. So to prevent hurting each other again & again, they don’t continue their friendship.

NEXT: Positive Responses (#6)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

Sfloral 4 LET’S SEE –

what’s the best way to handle this?

PREVIOUS: Positive Reactions – Thinking (#3)

REVIEW Parts 1-3 — Events, Emotions, Realistic Thinking

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

4. APPROPRIATE ACTIONS Circle
First: Let’s THINK, take a minute to breath, grab hold of our kid – if he or she is getting overwhelmed.  Being healthy does not mean we won’t periodically react in old ways, which will depend on how deep certain wounds are – like the depth of our childhood abandonment pain.
It does mean we can develop better alternative responses to difficult situations that get stronger than the pull of our damage

Second: Check in to see what emotions are being stirred.  Our actions will be based on how well we understand ourself in that moment
Third: Check mental files for a ‘pre-recorded’ words or phrase we’ve practiced for stress occasions. We can draw from the list of “Effective Responses” – they really work
• Talking or being silent are both a kind of action – active or passive.  What matters is which Ego State they’re coming from

EXP: Gina was sitting in a 12-Step meeting, listening to the thin, angry blond woman in all black leather go on & on for 5 minutes about how she HATED EVERYBODY! Gina’s immediate thought (from her WIC) was to go over & sooth the woman, be a friend, commiserate….
but this time Gina’s inner Good Parent took over & said to the kid: “NO WAY! Didn’t you just hear her?? She said everybody – that includes you. You’re not exempt just because you care, & you’re not going to change her to make yourself feel safe from her anger!”

🔸 BETTERsilence WAYS to RESPOND
a. Say Nothing – there are times when the only thing that makes any sense is to be quiet. We can give someone a quizzical or angry look, or just a smile. A genuine laugh may be called for when something ridiculous or outrageous has been said, & no other response is possible! BUT NOT from anger or derision. Rather – with humor, perhaps a sense of irony, even identification. Who hasn’t said something stupid or insensitive?

Some reasons to not do or say anything:
• it’s not a safe time or place
• it’s not worth the effort
• others are around & you’d do yourself some harm
• you know the person or situation can’t be corrected or improved OR
• it’s someone you know, & they’re having a bad-hair-day
• you need time to process what just happened

➼ LETTING GO of being heard, of being right, of getting what you want, of fairness… is sometimes the ONLY possibility, & takes a level of emotional maturity to handle

EXP: Sandra’s sponsee asked if she’s be at Friday nite’s meeting & she said yes.  That day she developed a cold & decided to stay in bed.  Sat. morning the sponsee called very angry: ”Why didn’t you show up last nite? You said you’d be there & I brought you flowers for your B/day! You’re so unreliable, I can’t believe you stood me up….”

Sandra told her she was sick, but the woman didn’t care. A week later, when they saw each other, the sponsee started up again, berating her.  Sandra just stood there & listened. She decided that, knowing this person, nothing she could say would make a difference.  So after a few minutes she said: “OK, bye” & left.  That was the end of their association.

✶ Sandra was aware that by not making the effort to convince her sponsee of her innocence, the other woman believed Sandra was agreeing with her & admitting being at fault!
It was something Sandra had to ‘swallow’ & help her WIC live with. But she’d learned from painful experience that trying to justify herself to someone with a closed mind only made a fool of herself!
It’s especially painful for us to be accused wrongly – at any time – but in this case she’d never be believed anyway, so why try doing the impossible? (“Serenity Prayer – backwards“)

NEXT: Positive Responses – Part 5 (more actions)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

floral 2 

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – Emotions

REVIEW: Events + Emotions

 

 

3. REALISTIC THINKING Circle
✶ ACoAs need to feel safe before we can feel loved!
Is your breathing shallow? Our terror is so deep & long-standing that we can barely breathe, but don’t realize it. “Clarity (knowledge) is Power” say the coaching gurus. Mental health includes being able to think accurately, without lots of complication. It’s one of the ‘secrets’ to feeling safer & more empowered, which eliminates drama

To accomplish that, we need to know (Ts) what:
• specific Toxic Rules we’re still obeying
• cruel, scary & untrue things we say to ourselves (S-H & PP)
• Cognitive Distortions (CDs) they represent, and –
• the corrections for those CDs

RECOVERY – It’s important to keep our side of the street clean in dealing with the world.
Minimizing S-H & shame makes it easier to take responsibility for our T.E.A.s (thoughts, emotions & actions), & to remember that most of what happens to us or around us is NOT about us!

Healthy ways to THINK about an upsetting event
a.  NO mind-reading
Re. people we know well, we can probably figure out what made them say or do something hurtful or irresponsible
Re. everyone else – we simply have no way of knowing. AND – even if we do know why, we won’t get validated, since most people don’t know what motivates them
Regardless, it’s not respectful to get inside other people’s heads, just like we shouldn’t let anyone live rent free in ours! 😾
✓ “I know how I FEEL, but can’t presume to know why others say / do something”

b. Self-Check
Using the questionnaire from “What Just Happened” , we can identify any part we may have played – without guilt, shame or S-H.  If our side is legitimately clean, we’ll feel relief
✓ “I’m willing to double-check myself – did I contribute in some way to this incident?  If yes, I’m willing to work on it. If not, I can ‘let go’”

c. Ask, Ask, Ask!ASK
We were taught to never ask others about themselves nor ask for information or help.  This may have been appropriate when we were kids, who can be bothersome to some adults, & often say embarrassing things.
But mainly it was because dysfunctional families don’t know how to communicate properly & didn’t teach us boundaries.  Asking eliminates mind-reading.
✓ “I have a right to ask what they meant by what was said, or why they did xyz.”

d. Corrections
• Us – with self-esteem we’re not afraid to own our own baggage, not ashamed of having needs. We know we can’t be perfect, so don’t expect it of ourselves.
✓ “If I contributed to a problem, I’m willing to talk it out & make any amends, or correct any misunderstanding”

• Them – Recovery teaches us not to tolerate or excuse bad behavior from anyone! WE set boundaries & make it clear how we want to be treated.  Self-respect allows us to walk with dignity, which others will sense right away. We’re not better than others, just equal as human beings
✓ “If someone crossed my boundaries, said something mean or did something disrespectful / inappropriate… I can stand up for myself by letting them know it’s unacceptable, & how I want to be treated in the future”

e. Acceptance is ‘acknowledging what is’ – no more, no less.
Healthy Thinking eliminates drama, endless obsessions & convoluted plans. We accept that there are people & situations we have little or no control over, especially like trying to get needs met from anyone who is emotionally unhealed
✓ “If I know the person well enough to know that no amount of explanation or discussion about their behavior will ever get thru to them, I won’t even try!”Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.44.18 PM

f. Letting Go
Trying to convince someone with a closed mind of our point of view is humiliating – we just make fools of ourselves. 12-Step Programs say: “Let go with love”.
If we can’t do it that way, then let go with – anger, indifference, frustration – but let go!
This means NOT continuing to want, expect & demand the impossible of others
✓ “If I’ve done all I can or want to – to deal with a situation – then I’m willing to stop thinking about it.  It’s done.”

NEXT: Positive Responses (#4) – Actions

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

flowers 2 

 

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – re events

REVIEW: Part 1: Events + Large Chart

POSTS : EMOTIONS – To Motivate


2. EMOTIONS Square
Healthy ACoAs are not afraid to feel, own & deal with our emotions. Es are a vital part of our self-protection & self-correcting mechanism, built in to our brain (the limbic system).  It doesn’t matter which ego state the emotions come from – they’re all part of us. As we learn to identify ‘who’s’ saying & feeling what (Ts & Es) – we can respond to internal cues more accurately

a. From the WIC (adapted child)
• These emotions will be left-over from our difficult childhood – abandonment terror, hopelessness, profound existential loneliness, rage, self-hate, even feeling suicidal – all based on actual experiences, PLUS internalizing those of our parents

b. From the Negative Introject
It includes all the dysfunction from their background, & their feelings towards us, including:
desperation, disgust, fear of abandonment, indifference, impatience, neediness  ……  emotions we absorbed & continue to carry – until they’re cleaned out.  We have to face our pain, but the thoughts & feelings of our parents MUST be given back to them! via repeated visualizations & statements

EXPs:
• “Dad, I love you but I can’t save you from mom’s cruelty. I tried to ease your pain, even taking on your covert suicidal feelings, but never could fix you. You chose her & stayed with her – it’s your marriage. You’re not my mate, so I give you back to her!”

• “Mom, I’ve been carrying your fear, helplessness & unfelt rage all these years, thinking it would help lift your burden. I’m sad that you’ve been suffering, but I know now it was an impossible task & not mine to deal with anyway. I’ve rolled up all your pain in a big black ball & now give it back to you. I have enough of my own to Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.34.34 PM.pngheal!”

c. From the Healthy Child  
• Our Natural Self, whether Introvert or Extrovert, is a combination of – amusement, amazement, anger, curiosity,  excitement, disappointment, love, joy, shyness, trust … and  envy, fear, greed, need, naiveté, selfishness, stubbornness ….  (PAC characteristics)

d. From the Loving Parent
• This is the missing ego state in all wounded ACoAs & so is the most important to develop, replacing the PP (pig parent / bad voice) : love, consistency, patience, persistence, sense of humor, tolerance, faith….. needed for positive self-care

NOTE : the Healthy Adult is basically emotion-free – primarily our computer mode, practical, rational & objective
ACCEPTANCE

i. I didn’t Cause it
Other people’s reactions to us speaks about who they are.
😻 Getting this truth into our cells is a core imperative !!! a requirement for peace of mind!  ONLY our co-dependence & narcissism says otherwise
ii. I can’t Control it
Being controlling is driven by anxiety – the fear of loss (abandonment) & the grandiose belief that we have power in powerless situations. (Serenity Prayer –  backwards). We can’t make others do or be what we want, only continue working on ourself
iii. I can’t Cure it
While some spiritual practices teach that we have all power, over everything – ultimately there are things in this lifetime we cannot cure, whether in ourselves or in others.  Focusing on the impossible is a waste of time & takes energy away from the many wonderful things we can accomplish!

Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.35.19 PMOTHER PEOPLE — Their reactions to our behavior can have something to do with us, directly OR indirectly IF:
a. about Them:
• we accidentally bump against a long-standing emotional ‘hot button’ in them (we ONLY create buttons in our own physical children)
• we inadvertently remind them of someone in their own damaged past
• we don’t go along with their narcissistic needs or expectations

b. about Us:
• when our unhealed rage &/or neediness pushes others away
• we keep asking unavailable people to be there for us when they can’t
• we consistently expect too much of others, including healthy ones
• we say or do something hurtful, disloyal, selfish…. from our damageScreen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.38.02 PM

🔸 The things WE ARE responsible for can be worked on in Recovery, especially things we do / say that hurt others.
To heal we have to own it all, objectively, without self-hate, & be willing to make changes.
Reasons that others may legitimately be uncomfortable with us (our repressed rage, neediness, unavailability…) will lessen as we develop our ‘UNIT’ & progressively interact with others in new ways.

NEXT: Positive Responses (Thinking)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

flowers 1

 

THIS ISN’T RIGHT!
I don’t like the way I’m being treated

PREVIOUS: Negative Reactions (#3)

REVIEW:  Negative version of chart

POST : Emotional  Maturity


1. EVENTS Circle
This new chart is the correction for the previous one, showing how to deal with stressors in a more appropriate & productive way. The first circle includes the same set of observations as in “Noticing Painful Events”

a. ACoA DIS-EASE
Lack of Acceptance: Even though ACoAs tend to accurately observe our environment, we often refuse to acknowledge what we see & hear, because:
i. we’ve been taught to repress what we know, developing a built-in forgetter / rose-colored-glasses / horse blinders, to keep us from looking around to see the truth or noticing other options. It’s a definite way to be loyal to the family toxic rules & stay the ‘good kid’ .


ii. we don’t want to deal with the consequences of being awake – otherwise we’d have to make some hard decisions like speaking up for ourselves, having it out with someone, being less involved, or leaving. This prevents us from feeling old or new abandonment pain

EXP: You’ve know your BFF for a long time & have been thru a lot together. You’re in 12-step Recovery, learning to face your issues & own your CDs, she isn’t.  You’ve both had lots of lousy relationships, but now she’s married a young, gold-digging philanderer & she’s hurting – but doesn’t want to face being alone again.
You’re very upset for her & really angry at her denial – why can’t she admit she made a big mistake & dump him? She has blinders on, but so do you in some ways. She has never been willing to look at herself, her choices, her damage…. why do you think she’d start now?

b. RECOVERY
Awareness: Accurately identifying & acknowledging what we experience is an important part of Recovery, & eventually leads to a better life, because it:
• honors our truth by respecting our cognitive abilities (info from our brains & intuition)
• allows us to make self-caring decisions, choosing what’s best for us
• encourages us to leave bad situations which would add to the original abandonment, causing more mental & emotional stress
Keep repeating: I KNOW WHAT I KNOW – but I can’t know everything!

For our observations to be reliable / valid, we need to (IMPERFECTLY) have:Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.30.18 PM
❥ a lot less self-hate
❥ a clear distance from the bad voice (PP)
❥ decent boundaries, so less co-dependence
❥ a loving relationship with the Inner Child
❥ a connection to some kind of spirituality

EVENTs needed to be dealt with can be about:
a. any painful internal thought or emotion, not immediately triggered by a present event, but likely from our damaged past
b. a more immediate upset – having a fight, someone being mean, losing something valuable, a disappointed expectation….

c. a distressing situation of our own – death of a parent, a big break-up, losing a job, being in an accident, a fire…..
d. our reaction to a painful external info – like 911, pictures of people suffering anywhere, news of a death… not directly related to us

HEALTH means:
🌱 being able to quickly catch that we really are effected by something
🌱 acknowledging it without – OR in spite of feeling shame, guilt, self-hate & anxiety, so we don’t have to deny or repress it
🌱 asking for support from appropriate people when we need help understanding & coping with a painful event
🌱 learning mental & emotional tools, & remembering to use them to take care of ourselves when distressed

EXP: Sam’s younger brother was in a terrible accident, has been in the ICU for some weeks Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.30.26 PM& doesn’t have long to live (Event). Sam & all his family are devastated (Es), both by the upcoming loss, & because it reminds them of their own mortality

Some are in various states of denial (Ts) about how serious the brother’s damage is, but Sam is valiantly grappling with his shock & fear (Es). He shares his pain in Recovery & makes shifts in some of his long-help beliefs (Ts). Through the pain he’s using this Event as an opportunity for growth (As).  YOGA man: Grudging Acceptance 🥺

NEXT: Positive Responses – Emotions

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Anger)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

daggers 

THAT SO-&-SO!
one way or another, I’m gonna get ‘im

PREVIOUS: ACTIONS – Fearful

 

3. ACTIONS (cont)
a. Fearful reactions

b. ANGRY reactions to painful events
💥 Attack / Revenge (sue, fight, yell…)
This is the most obvious & direct. The need  to be violent – verbally, physically or legally – is used by some ACoAs as a way of venting old pain on the world – anyone except facing the original perpetrators, if possible.
OR we may have tried every other avenue to resolve a problem, but to no avail. Then the only recourse left is to go after our tormentor directly, never considering “letting go”.

⚒ The dysfunctional ‘acting out’ of our rage is WIC’s response to decades of abuse & abandonment.  We’re not crazy, only traumatized
⚒ Continuing to be angry in the present is still wanting the impossible – to be loved & accepted by people who can not & will never be able to provide them!

✶ Remember: When we still over-react to a particular event – it does not mean all our recovery is invalidated. Nip any S-H in the bud! “Progress, NOT Perfection”

💥 Gossip Maliciously – almost any group of people in regular, long-term contact is prone to gossiping. Mostly it’s a common but unhealthy way to pass the time & connect with peers.
However, when ACoAs are in a rage at someone (X), we want to do harm, to make them look bad, in the same way we feel harmed. Then we :
• act like a victim, martyr, the ‘white hat’
• tell secrets we know about (X)
• make up false info to damage (X)‘s rep
• seduce others away from (X) – by shifting people’s allegiance to ourself

💥Make Fun Of – making jokes at someone’s expense ….  While gossip & teasing is indirect, this is a more obvious way to show anger at (Y). Sometimes we believe our meanness has been earned by (Y), at other times it’s just displacing our rage at someone else like a boss, parent or mate

EXPs: Jimmy is a popular techie at a big company, who likes to ‘stir the pot’, & gets away with a lot of bad behavior using charm & gossip.  He’s taken a special dislike to an older woman, who undeservedly reminds him of his alcoholic, controlling mother. He has a key chain ornament of a cow that mo-o-os when squeezed.  For months, every time he passes the woman, he squeezes the cow & smiles impishly.  To please him, all of his coworkers are also amused.  When reprimanded, he finally stops.

💥Sulk – ‘staring daggers’ , ‘if looks could kill’ ….↖️
While this too is about not talking (being mute), it is by no means passive.  Others can feel the rage emanating from us & generally stay Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.58.25 AMaway!
In this case, not saying anything may be that:
• it’s not appropriate right then (in public, at work…)
• we’re so unprepared for a nasty comment or shocked by a scary event, that we can’t find the words at that moment
• we’re afraid of our own intensity – that we’ll do some long-term damage, either physical or emotional, if we let fly
OR • we’re afraid of being punished if we speak up, & we could be

EXP: Zina worked for an active alcoholic who constantly pushed her buttons.  She didn’t know how to stand up for herself, felt she owed him for helping her out at the beginning, & didn’t want to lose her job. So she just fumed!
One day she overheard her boss telling someone: “That Zina has the loudest silences”! She was shocked because she hadn’t realized her (unexpressed) anger was radiating such intensity. It also made her see she needed to change jobs, which she eventually was able to do

💥Tease – always an indirect form of anger & is always abusive. It’s a way to ‘get back at’ someone by using a personal trait against them – their name, size, religion ethnicity, way of talking….. such as ‘hazing’ a new student or employee. It’s a form of adult scapegoating, & leaves permanent emotional scars if continually repeated.
But since teasing is couched in humor, it’s generally considered ‘good fun’, harmless & socially acceptable, therefore allowed & encouraged by others.
But teasing is toxic!

NEXT: ‘Responding Positively to Events’

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Fear)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

hiding 

I’M GONNA HIDE –
no, I’m gonna fix ‘em, or I could convince them…

PREVIOUS: Negative ReACTions to Events – intro

See post : “Fear is the Absence of Love”

 

 

3. ACTIONS (cont)
a. FEARFUL reactions to painful events
No matter what our reaction-style is, most of our fear is housed in the WIC ego state, accumulated in childhood & not yet cleaned out. So when an ‘Event’ touches that deep well of pain, we regress to our younger self

💧 Be Mute – probably the most common for ACoAs.  When we’re too scared, the thinking part of the brain (frontal cortex) shuts down, temporarily.  When the perceived danger is passed, the ‘computer’ lights up again. That’s why we only think of what to say AFTER the event – when it may be too late to respond.

— When possible, it’s perfectly ok to go back to someone later to ask what they meant, or to stand up for ourselves – but we rarely do.  Instead, we just obsess about what we ‘should’ have said & hate ourselves for being ‘weak’.withdraw

💧Isolate – this is more than just withdrawing from a particular person or place. It’s about hiding out like a wounded creature does, to lick its wounds. We’ve been abused for so long – first at home & then by others family, mates, bosses…. that damaged ACoAs aren’t as self-repairing as many animals.
Bad combination: weak boundaries, a lot of S-H, CDs & depression – make us stay in our cave & never want to come out.  If we dare to, & then someone steps on our toes – again – we scuttle back in to hide for another decade or so!

💧Justify / Over-explain – 2nd favorite reaction to being attacked OR caught in a mistake – which no one wants to hear!
The Event triggers so much S-H & anxiety, that the WIC has to convince the other person THAT:
— we’re not so bad, they got it all wrong, we couldn’t help it, what we really meant was….
So we go on & on, making a fool of ourselves! This is NOT the same as our Adult part being assertive by correcting a misunderstanding or stopping an abuse.

💧PeopScreen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.55.22 AMle-Please – many ACoAs are profoundly co-dependent – depending on others to give us an identity.  So:
— if someone is distant, self-centered or angry at us – we think it’s proof that we’re bad!
We’ll do anything to win them over.
AND
— if they seem to like us, we’ll do anything to keep them from changing their mind (even though we don’t believe anyone can really like us)

EXP:  Jose had a habit of being verbally abusive whenever he felt hurt. Skyia finally broke up with him after he threatened to beat her up for going to school in another state & leaving him behind.
Then he kept calling & texting, alternately begging her to come back or blaming her for making him so depressed that he landed in the hospital! She hated the disgusting names he called her, but felt so guilty for doing what she needed to, that she sent him $1,000!

Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.50.00 AMReminder: Many ACoAs have some form of anxiety disorder (intense undifferentiated fear), as a result of natural sensitivity PLUS being survivors of incest, physical abuse, emotional torture & neglect….
making it hard to cope under pressure or be around people who are impatient &/or demanding.
SO – we need to be extra gentle with ourselves, yet never give up!

💧Withdraw – we’re so hurt by a person or situation that all we can do is pull away – permanently – instead of speaking up for ourselves. The stressor may have been caused by a boss, a teacher, a friend….
—> This response would be appropriate if the choice was made by the Adult part of us, as a self-caring decision to stay away from bad places/ people.
But for many ACoAs, the WIC is in charge, only focused on distancing to not get re-wounded, by putting up a thick wall, while still carrying resentment & anxiety because the conflict never gets cleared up.

NEXT: Negative ReACTions (Anger)

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Intro)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

confused man  

IT TOO HARD TO BE IN THE WORLD –
Should I hide or attack?

PREVIOUS: EMOTIONS re. Events #2

REVIEW previous posts

 

3. ACTIONS re. painful Events (blue oval)
It’s inevitable that we’ll take some type of ‘action’ in response to a stressful EVENT.  What kind will depend on our native personality & the specific CONCLUSIONS we draw about it.

• ACoAs are not readily aware of our thoughts (beliefs) or emotion. So, when triggered, we just re-act. It can happen so fast that it seems we have no control of our behavior, which may be verbal &/or physical, driven either by terror or rage.

• It’s normal for humans to be angry when hurt, frustrated or scared. Anger is simply the psychic energy needed to prepare for action, & is a fitting response to harmful situations.
Anger & Fear are on opposite sides of Plutchik’s  Emotion Wheel. To heal, fearful ACoAs need to connect with their anger, &  those steeped in rage need to get in touch with the fear & sadness underneath.  The key is Balance.
🥶
FEAR-driven Actions / non-actions
• COVERT: ACoAs trained to not be angry are afraid to feel it now –  crippled by that suppression! Without healthy anger we’re depressed, feel stuck, AND can’t stop others from mistreating us

🌪 Fear EXP : Unhealed use of the 3 Circles 
EVENT (condition): Unrecovered ACoA Shakeera is dating a complicated young man – sometimes thoughtful, smart & sensitive, other times self-pitying & whiny. When he’s depressed & needy he threatens suicide, can’t look for work & lives off of Shakeera’s income.
Her Emotions: panic, compassion, pity, love, disgust, rage

 + CONCLUSIONS (thoughts) – When he’s in a good space, Shakeera thinks he’s the best, ever!  When he’s very down, her co-dependence kicks in :
“I have to fix this mess / I know how to help him – I’ll tell him all the ways he can get his life together / He just has to be ok, I can’t stand this / I feel humiliated being with such a looser”….

= ACTIONS: Shakeera alternately bullies him to ‘get it together’, gives him endless advice, tells him what he did wrong OR listens for hours to his self-hate & joins him in a depressed stupor
• He doesn’t change & she gets more frustrated. None of her actions help either of them!  Her FoA (FEAR of abandonment) keeps her trying to cure him – so she doesn’t have to leave!
😡
ANGER-driven Actions
Our behavior can tell us which ego state is in charge at the moment & how healed or unhealed a particular button is.  How we act out our rage may be —
— the same way our parents reacted to stress, or
— how we were allowed to behave as kids, or
— how we’d have liked to react, back then, but knew it was too Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.40.57 AMdangerous to do so

• OVERT: some ACoAs react with hostility too readily, when the WIC feels abandoned. We get nasty & more controlling, or unfairly cut someone off. This can hurts us just as much as the other person, since rage pushes others away & we’re already feeling unwanted & unloved!

▶ BUT, don’t let the self-help gurus tell you not to FEEL angry!  ACoAs have a lot of it pent-up from childhood abuse (plus bad adult experiences) which needs to be gotten out of our system – appropriately. What’s important to our Recovery is how we ACT.

💥 Anger EXP : Unhealed use of the 3 Circles 
EVENT: Sal hates being bothered by people in public places. One night he gets on an almost empty bus, on his way home from work. A smelly bag-lady gets on at the next stop, looks around & sits down right next to Sal!
His Emotions: revulsion, anger, frustration, superiority

+ CONCLUSIONS (thoughts) – “Why does this always have to happen to me?! There are 20 other seats she could have picked! Why ME?? Why do I attract the crazies? Me, only me!” (CDs: ‘Personalization, Egocentric & Can’t Stand It’)

= ACTIONS: Sal starts yelling at the woman & gets off the bus at the next stop. He keeps talking about the incident, repeating it over & over the next day to everyone he can corner
• He’s taken this personally, feeling like a victim, trying to get validation & sympathy. The woman could have either been lonely &/or wanted to bum some change.  It was never about him!

NEXT: Negative  reACTions (Fear)