recovery

DELIBERATE Abuse or Not? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,


I’M SO CONFUSED!
Are they good, bad or evil? 

PREVIOUS: Indirect abusers #2

Review post series:
▪︎  “Noticing painful Events” ….

▪︎  Double Messages and Double Binds)

 

DELIBERATE Abuse or NOT?
Most ACoAs assume that if our parents / lovers… don’t mean to hurt us, &/or can’t help themselves because of their damage, then their behavior can be overlooked.
So – as adults – we shouldn’t call them on it, don’t have to ‘protect’ ourself & we should never get upset with them. After all “it’s not their fault – “They did the best they could…..”.

This is our self-destructive attitude – & takes a toll on our psyche that’s too high a price to pay for staying connected, just to stave off our guilt & loneliness. ACoAs are famous for white-washing abusers, especially parents. We believe that acknowledging what the Ps have done would be disloyal to the family system (or marriage, friendship, boss….), & would cause a rift we think we couldn’t bear. AND yes, for some of us, punishment from those Ps for hearing the Truth can feel like too much for our WIC.

CATEGORIES of Perpetrators (Ps)
a. Overt  – ‘easiest’ to see
• Sometimes a parent will blatantly admit they’re ‘not nice’, don’t care, didn’t love us & never will – “I didn’t want kids in the first place”.
‘The Family Way’ episode of BBC’s “Doc Martin”(12/05), is so very clear – when his estranged parents visit him & the truth comes out!

Some part of us already knew it & it’s excruciating to admit, but hearing it out loud makes it real, eliminating illusion & a hope for the impossible. Of course we have to be willing to work with this info to recover, & not everyone is able or ready. (ARTICLE :“My parents say I’m ugly and wish they’d never had me” )

Also, any type of physical  abuse is horrifying, but simpler to acknowledge, because the injuries are easy to identify, even getting outside validation (as opposed to the other types). Our suffering & our rage is no less intense, which has to be cleaned out, but at least it’s tangible.

• As adults we’ve gotten involved with outright skunks, people who from the beginning were obviously unsafe – unreliable, insensitive, active addicts, under-earning…… They may say : “You knew what I was like / I told you what to expect – or not / I said I wasn’t into relationships” ….

The main problem in facing this kind of abuse is our denial – not the P’s. It was our unwillingness to believe what they were saying, which let us get involved in the first place, because their ‘style’ was so familiar! We didn’t cause the abuse but we sure stayed for it.
😱 These kinds of Ps cause just as much emotionally pain as any other, but the least mentally confusing for us, because if cornered, they’re capable of admitting what they’ve done – although not willingly & without any remorse!. We can heal faster because it’s not mentally crazy-making.  Once we’ve raged & mourned, we can move on.

b. Sneaky (much harder)
• It’s really tough to identify the source of our damage when our family (mates, friends…) profess to love us, but mistreat us much of the time anyway. This can apply to being put-down, manipulated, over-controlled, gaslighted….
As adults it can also be in the form of sexual coercion, or any shade of previous child sexual abuse, especially when you were singled out as a ‘favorite’ (“You’re mysneaky bad special girl”….), & told to keep it a secret. (Indirect Abusers – Part 2)

• They may say they love us (& we believe them) BUT we feel like crap when we’re with them – exhausted, scared, miserable, angry, bored – yet can’t put our finger on why, since nothing seems obviously wrong.
Then after spending time or even just texting / talking with them – sometimes for days or weeks we’re depressed & can’t get back to our life. Naturally ACoAs figure it must be us, right? NO!!
Your body & emotions are clearly telling you that something’s ‘rotten in Denmark’ – & your name isn’t Denmark!

SITE: “TRAUMA HEALING for Your Mind, Body & Soul” with Bible verses

NEXT: Deliberate… #2

INDIRECT Abusers (Part 1)

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  …. BUT HE’S SO NICE TO ME –
the rest of the time!

PREVIOUS: Direct abusers

RESOURCE:
Dr Irene’s great Verbal Abuse & Recovery site

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

COVERT ABUSE  (CA) – Emotional, Mental & Spiritual
• Emotional abuse is one of the most under-reported stressors in the US today. Blatant emotional cruelty may be noticed by others, & definitely felt by the Victim (V) – even if they ignore or excuse it.
The indirect type is consistently administered in small doses, ways the abuser uses so it’ll be easily overlooked, as it gets woven into the fabric of the relationship.
In China this is a form of torture called Lingchi =”Death by a thousand cuts“.

Typically, the V. will say : “It’s not all bad, You don’t know him the way I do. I know she loves me. When something goes wrong it’s really my fault. He didn’t meant it. She’s just under a lot of pressure. I don’t want to miss out on the good things we have together. He needs me. It’s only because she’s in pain” ….

• Sneaky Perpetrators (P) are also full of S-H & FoA, but they hide it better than Vs.  They also think they’re unique, so different from others that they don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Yet they actually have a lot in common with all other Ps, sharing similar thinking & behavior patterns.

While they may never lift a finger to physically injure anyone, the psychological damage they do to others, with it’s long-term scars, are much harder to heal.
Victims are threatened & terrorized emotionally when they try to object to how they’re being treated. A major result is that they don’t believe they have a right to identify themselves as Vs, or to admit their mate, adult-child, friend, relative, boss….is actually abusive.

• TO outsiders, sneaky emotional abusers (E.A.s) don’t stand out – they usually present themselves as decent, successful, calm. They have a talent for creating a public image that contradicts how they are behind closed doors. They use public venues to have an adoring audience & as an outlet for their ‘better’ qualities (at work, church, politics….) —covert abusers
— but will take out their emotional sickness on those who are closest, most vulnerable & most dependent on them. In general, Ps needs a safe place to let their dirty hair down where no one will judge them, hold them accountable, object or leave!
TO their families, they’re often childish, controlling, self-absorbed, cheap, hypercritical, compulsive, & mean-spirited. What’s so confusing is that this type of abuser is actually BOTH. But the abusive side always wins out in private.

• Covert Abusers are passive-aggressive, which means they show their anger (aggression) sideways (passively) by withholding information, deliberately stalling, being stubborn, sulking, and/or not trying their best. They ignore reasonable requests to put in a reasonable amount of effort into their closest relationships. They pick partners who are push-overs with low self-esteem, who find it easy to make excuses for the other person’s terrible behavior.

EXP: Ps will make you choose an action that affects you both (dinner, movie, trip….) & then blame you because they didn’t like it or it didn’t work out. They also may deny that you asked them for their opinion or input in the first place, accusing you of being controlling. You’ve been set up! Altering another’s reality is abuse.

FORMS of Cover Abuse
Brainwash: using systematic & often forcible pressure, they coerce someone into adopting radically different beliefs from their own
Crazy-making: throwing someone mentally or emotionally off-balance, making them easier to control (so they don’t trust their own thoughts)
Divert / Evade : change any “undesirable” topic to something irrelevant, illogical or crazy
AND
Gaslight: psychologically manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity (not trust their own memory or observations )
Grooming: prepare or train someone to become submissive for a particular purpose or activity, by first being overly-attentive
Guilt-tripping : shift blame, act sincere then retaliate with silence, word twisting & circular conversations
Playing the Victim : act like they’ve being injured by any request for communication or appropriate responsibility  (MORE…)

NEXT: INDIRECT Abusers (Part 2)

DIRECT ABUSERS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

THEY ALWAYS SCARED ME – now I can’t say how I really feel

PREVIOUS: What is abuse #4

SITE: Characteristics of Abusers

QUOTE: “Social anxiety results from being around people who are resolutely opposed to who you are.” ✍︎ Stefan Molyneux (Freedomain Radio)

OVERT ABUSE
(Perps = Perpetrators, Abusers / Vs = Victims)
• The visible form of overt abuse – physical violence – is easiest to identify. But Vs are usually too broken & ashamed to acknowledge what they’re enduring : “I walked into a door, I accidentally fell , It’s nothing, they didn’t mean it”…..

However, there are other direct ways that only the V experiences (list below). Cover-ups are used by all types of Vs : TOWARD single women, financially dependent mothers, children, the elderly, and abused men – to not show weakness. Shame silences.

• All blatant abuse is done with no concern for the physical or mental well-being of the victim. Even ‘loved ones’ have no real or separate existence – the V is just an extension of the Perp’s internal world, experienced as part of themself, like one of their own limbs. Narcissistic mother to child:  “Put a sweater on, I’m cold!”

👺 Most Perps totally believe they have a right to control, put down, manipulate. They consider it legitimate to exert power over others, and that weak people deserve to be put in their place – because weakness is to be despised. By extension any weakness in themself has to be eradicated!  Besides, they say Vs are ‘asking for it’ by being pathetic. So there’s no reason for the P to change!

IRONY: Abusers believe & act as if they’re the god of their personal world – to be obeyed & worshiped. YET they’re totally dependent on others for their sense of equilibrium & well-being!

IF they loses power over others, it can feel like they’re losing control of a limb, even their mind. Their insecurity-driven anxiety will trigger violence, intense manipulations & frantic attacks, in an effort to shore up the endangered False Self & force the V. back into alignment.
BECAUSE:
• the independence or disobedience of a significant other radically diminish the Perp’s identity & supply of psychic nourishment
• it forces the P to experience not being the center of everything, while not realizing their world view is way ‘off’
• they lose the sense of control over their inner world (thoughts, feelings….), which they find intolerable

CONFUSED Victims often say “I just don’t understand why they…” OR obsessively repeat: “Why are they doing this? What did I do wrong?”….

➼ Vs are not asking for self-knowledge, nor compassion for the P. Rather, it’s their WIC’s need to placate the monster they’re not allowed to leave.
Traumatized ACoAs believe that – “If I could only figure out exactly why they’re acting this way, then I can change myself, them or the situation (mainly myself), then things will get much better & we’ll all be happy!”

BEHAVIORS  (see also  “TRAITS” )
• Degradation: make the cost of resisting seem more dangerous to the V’s self-esteem than giving in. Reduces them to “animal level” concerns
• Enforce Trivial Demands: create the habit of giving in (compliance)
• Induced Debility & Exhaustion: weaken mental & physical ability to resist
• Isolation : eliminate all social support which would help the V. to resist. Create in the V. an intense concern for & dependence on the P
THEY:
• Monopolize Perception : focus the V’s attention on some immediate problem, forming a narrowed vision of reality.  Eliminate any input competing with those chosen by the abuser, preventing the V. from taking any opposing actions
• ‘Omnipotence‘: make it clear it’s impossible to resist being abused & dominated
🖤 Use Occasional Indulgences: The P provides ‘positive’ motivation for the V’s continued compliance (payoffs for obeying), but keeps the V starving with crumbs to keep them quiet & coming back for more
• Threats: Cultivate fear, anxiety & despair
(from Dr. Judith Biderman, MORE...)

NOTE:  At the end of “The Sopranos’, the therapist fires Tony after reading a -genuine – study by Samuel Yochelson & Stanton Samenow, psychiatrists specializing in the criminal mind. It reports that therapy doesn’t actually help sociopaths – only further enables their bad behavior by sharpening their manipulative skills.

NEXT: Indirect Abusers, #1

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

YOU NEVER ADMIT
what’s really going on!

PREVIOUS: What is E. A.? (#2)

SEE ACRONYM Page for abbrev.


P. = Perpetrator / V. = Victim
TYPES of EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.) 

ASSERTIVE = standing up for ones rights without intent to harm.
Statements we may have heard growing up
VS
AGGRESSIVE  = deliberately trying to hurt someone, at any level (PMES). The receiver of the aggression may not be the actual target, like kicking the dog when you’re mad at your boss

EMOTIONALLY HARMFUL statements we may have heard growing up ALSO, they tell outright lies about us, and love to recount to everyone -sensitive, shameful or embarrassing stories about us
Naturally, this list is only a fraction of what damaging family & other adults are capable of – a guide to help us think about what we may still be ignoring from the past OR still putting up with, maybe without realizing. (Journaling POSTS – “Writing for Personal Growth“)

TYPES of EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.)
✔️ Direct & obvious
Perps usually have an angry, attacking attitude. THEY :
• make you one-down to them by judging & invalidating you, undermining the equality & autonomy essential for healthy adult relationships
• use accusations, blaming, labeling, name-calling, ordering around
• use one-up parent-to-child communications, infantilizing you

✔️ Dominating
INDIRECT -They
• railroad discussions, talk over you, won’t give you room to respond…. so you don’t have time to identify what’s wrong with what they’re saying or doing
• if verbally clever, they’ll make their point seem perfectly logical even though they’re twisting everything in their favor, using CDs
DIRECT – They
• give away or throw your things out without discussion or permission
• smash, throw, deface or cut up personal or household items
• want to control your every action, to have their own way – and will resort to threats & verbal attacks to get it

✔️ Emotional Blackmail – they
scared• draw you in by being nice, then unpredictably say something cruel, or push you away, act disgusted
• play on your compassion, values, guilt, shame, limitations or other “hot buttons” to get what they want
• threaten to end the relationship, to totally reject or abandon you, ignore or use other fear tactics, unless you give in

✔️ Indirect – they
• are often disguised as “helping”- BUT it’s actually criticizing – ‘fixing you’, giving unsolicited advise, analyzing you, questioning your tastes & decisions
•  use the implied judgmental tone of “I know best” – to belittle, control, or demean, rather than support your growth & development

✔️ Threaten
• to leave, any time they don’t like something – but doesn’t go
• to take the kids, the car, the house…  • to stop paying for important necessities  • to get you fired  &/or ruin you reputation using lies
• to hit or do other harm (your kids), but don’t follow thru
• to commit suicide (& it will be your fault), but never do

✔️ Verbal assaults – theyScreen Shot 2015-07-15 at 2.51.42 PM
• berate, belittle, criticize, name call
• blow your flaws out of proportion, harping on them
• constantly blame, use sarcasm & humiliation
• make fun of you, any time, & in front of others
• scream, threaten you physically

NEXT: EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 4)

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

CRUELTY COMES IN MANY FORMS –
& they all hurt my feelings!

PREVIOUS: Emotional Abuse (Part 1)

SITE: Types of Emotional Abuse 


EMOTIONAL REACTIONS to Emotional Abuse (E.A.)
✶ The most important thing to remember is that ALL categories of abuse cause emotional damage. We need  to notice how those actions or words make us feel emotionally – as in – NOT happy!

UNDER – No matter how much head knowledge we have about our issues, without doing deeper FoO work many ACoAs have a hard time even recognizing familiar abuses as they’re happening, much less feel an emotional sting. If we’re still numb from old pain & lack of self-care, it’s very hard to connect depression & S-H with being exposed to E.A.

• It’s as if we were wearing that huge white medical collar that vets sometimes put on dogs/cats – we can see over the top, but not the knife in someone’s hand as they stick it in our gut – especially if they’re smiling!
We may feel some pain, but don’t understand that it’s truly coming from outside of ourself. As trained victims from childhood, we always assume that – if we’re hurting – it a sure sign there’s something wrong with us. NOT SO!

OVER – When we do over-react emotionally to a person or event, the tricky part is being able to over-reactseparate what just happened in the present from the accumulated suffering of past abuse. Often it IS a combination of the two, in layers – like when someone’s only ‘stepped on your toe’

Instead, it feels like the foot has been cut off & we’re left bleeding, because of all the times our family did the same thing to us.
Whenever we have an intense reaction we know “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. We need to validate our fear, outrage, sadness…. while still staying in the present moment & seeing reality.
SO,  we can:
• double check** if something was actually an abusive situation – or are we reading into it (projection) because it’s so similar from the past.
⚙︎ ASK: “Did this current event call for such an intense reaction?
Do I feel like I’m being stomped on, discarded like garbage or my life is being threatened – when all someone did was not text immediately back, looked at me ‘funny’’, not said hello, told me what to do…..

** ‘Checking’ may include asking someone we trust for an evaluation of the event, or going back to the original person & asking what they meant by ___?, or why they did ____?.
Whether they tell us the truth or not, many times their answer will be surprising – it’s not what we thought they meant, because it had nothing to do with us.  So we could not have guessed what they actually meant!  It’s important to ask.
work abuseWe can also:
• identify unpleasant or inappropriate words & actions that did actually happen, instead of ignoring the event or how we feel. They weren’t just in our imagination.
For some ACoAs this may take outside validation too, including comparing lists of ‘My Rights’ against Abusive Behaviors.

✶ All Over & Under-reactions come from our WIC or PP. Appropriate responses (not reactions) come from our UNIT.
Learning to tell the difference between actual abuse & our projections or paranoia comes from internalizing the healing of Recovery work + accumulated information about present-day reality + validating our feelings & experiences – via meetings, reading, healers & therapists.

UNPREDICTABILITY
a. Their Reactions
• Perps have drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts –
✓ with unpredictable, irrational changes in reaction to you or your normal behaviors
✓ who will say one thing one day & the opposite the next, &
✓ will like what you do one day & hate it the next…
SO: mood swings
• being maddeningly inconsistent, you never know what’s expected of you
• you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop
• you have to stay hyper-vigilant so you know when to ‘duck’

b. Constant Chaos – THEY
• are ‘addicted to drama’ causing endless upheaval for everyone
• change plans or ‘rules’ at the last minute, without informing you
• keep you off-balance, never knowing what’s real or ‘safe’, so they have all the power
• often start arguments, disagreements, create conflicts
• make promises you depend on, but rarely follow thru

NEXT: Emotional Abuse (Part 3)

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I’M ALWAYS DRAINED or ANNOYED
after being with that person!

PREVIOUS: Grandiosity vs Normal

BOOK: “Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls” ~ Robert Burney

REVIEW posts on Emotions


EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.)
How others treat us is about them (their damage or health).
AND –  How we react to others is about us (our wounds or Recovery!)

“Emotional abuse is the foundation of all other types. It’s the most damaging part of physical, sexual, mental….(PMES) trauma done to our heart & soul, the way we were betrayed by the people we love & trust.  It’s is a devastating, debilitating mutilation of our essence – the deepest lasting wound of any abuse .” (MORE….)
“Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls” ~ Robert Burney

• E.A. is also sometimes referred to as Psychological or Mental Abuse, divided into Verbal Aggression, Dominant and Jealous Behaviors – by the “Conflict Tactics Scale”.
Unlike sexual or physical mistreatment, which can cause lasting trauma with only one event, E.A. comes from repeated exposure. E.A. is :
— anything that causes fear by intimidation (US Justice Dept)
pulling hair— motivated by urges for “power & dyscontrol”** (Health Canada)

**Dyscontrol : “A pattern of abnormal, episodic or frequently uncontrollable social behavior, of repeated acts of violent aggression in an otherwise normal person, markedly out of proportion to events that provoked it, which are caused by brain disorders OR substance abuse”

E.A. comes in many guises, obvious or subtle. It’s violence experienced in any relationship which is just as damaging as physical assaults, if not more so, because it goes to the core of who we are as human beings. (Wikipedia)
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise of “teaching, advising, correcting, and/or guiding”, & therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison year after year.

“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … not about words, because Perpetrators don’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather an untraceable poison……
They may in fact, speak very kind words to you, and so – to everyone else – will seem nothing but supportive.  Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time.  So the impact is gradual, not immediately visible.”
~ from “THIS IS HOW” Augusten Burroughs
NOTICING 
E.A. can be very difficult to identify because:
a. very often there are no outward signs, such as physical scars or broken bones – ‘only’ breaking of the spirit!
It includes the use of coercion, insults, neglect, threats …. to control another person, who loses (or never gains) self-esteem & the freedom to grow.
Victims of E.A. blame themself for the mistreatment, & their S-H makes them cling to perpetrator, staying because they believe they have nowhere else to go, & no one else will want them.

b. it’s so common in our culture that we don’t consider it a problem. Alice Miller’s “For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing & the Roots of Violence” (1980) describes this issue. Read Review .
And her “Banished Knowledge” book is about how we’re taught from early on to ignore being treated badly (T.) & how that feels (E.) Read Review.   People who are emotionally hurtful are everywhere, & are usually oblivious to the effect they have on their Victim(s).

Perpetrators (P)  includes people who:
• don’t consider our personality when interacting to us (only their own)
• make a judgmental or belittling comment to us in front of others
• only talk & think about themself (no room for us)
• tease us using things they know we’re sensitive about
• tell us what to do, how to think, how to feel
• try to make us take care of them, make us feel guilty, act needy…..
• try to fix us with action-suggestions, when we only need an ear & empathy

ALSO, the people around the P’s target often validate pubic humiliation & thoughtless or cruel remarks by laughing, as if the mean comment was clever & amusing. It’s a way to cheer the perpetrator on – long as it’s not being done to them! This can come from siblings, school mates, co-workers, club members…
When we are the target – we feel terribly alone, hurt & angry.

NEXT: Emotional Abuse (Part 2)

GRANDIOSITY and ‘NORMAL’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING –
I’m not weak or wounded!

PREVIOUS: Victim or not? #2

Review posts: “Rescuing”  //  “Process“


DISTORTED  COPING  (P = Perp / V = Victim)
As long as ACoAs have trouble facing the trauma of being a Victim IN childhood, we can’t outgrow that state -because it lives in our WIC & keeps getting acted out all over our life.  Another ‘backwards’ ACoA pattern :
while we do many destructive victim-y things to ourself & let others do them to us, we also are masters at trying to cover up the inner wounds, the same way battered people try to hide broken bones & external bruising.

1. NORMAL
a. Normal can mean what is average for any location or situation, but may be positive or negative & is never absolute
EXP– It’s the norm for :
▫️people in a bar to drink a lot
▫️men in prison to be raped
▫️children of addicts to be scarred
OR It’s the norm for :
▫️country air to be healthier than city air
▫️money to make life easier
▫️great teachers to produce some excellent students.

b. Normal can also mean anything that is the opposite of unhealthy, & is only positive.  NORMAL is being:
▫️a whole human being, by taking care of ourself
▫️part of a community & helping others
▫️happy & productive, with satisfying relationships
Normal is for Love to heal broken hearts & minds…..

✶ ACoAs desperately want to be ‘normal’, as in ‘b’, while not wanting to admit being damaged / wounded (NOT defective), with all it’s weaknesses, so not having to do the hard work of Recovery to become healthy.  This false-normal is a facade to cover our lack of self-esteem & to quiet the bad voice (the PP), rather than being genuinely OK at our core.
normalMany of us don’t want to ask for any kind of help, or be in groups that focus on healing, because “They’re all crazy & I’m not like them!”  But Al-anon reminds us that “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”  It’s one thing to feel empowered & be able to face life’s difficulties with equanimity & guts. It’s another to over-compensate for our un-acknowledged & unhealed history with grandiosity.

EXP: Trish was never taken care of as a child, even in basic ways, & was eventually left by her weak father to take care of her violent, mentally ill mother. In spite of not having any self-esteem or knowledge about self-care, in her early 20’s her talent as a performer got her periodic jobs in small venues.

One day she found out she was pregnant, but wasn’t ready for motherhood & scheduled an abortion – for the same day that she had a gig in a local mountain club. She went to the doctor in the am – alone, & that afternoon drove up to the resort to sing – still alone & in pain.
It never occurred to her to have the operation on a different day, to have someone go with her, or that there was anything amiss about combining the 2 events – until pointed out to her by a therapist 20 yrs later. To her it was all normal !

2. GRANDIOSITY – at its simplest, it’s how a person sees themself as bigger, better, more capable than they really are. It often leads to putting oneself in jeopardy, as big as extreme physical activities, taking unprotected financial or sexual risks, or as ‘small’ as always crossing the street just as the cars start moving forward, smoking for years….
They act as if they’re invincible, magically untouched by the laws of nature or common sense.
BTW : ‘Normal’ grandiosity does include the person having a degree of insight into their overblown ideas – aware their behavior is unusual or unrealistic – just not crazy. But those with grandiose delusions lack this capability for reality-testing.

MAIN CHARACTERISTICS
IRONY: It’s typical of many ACoAs, using it as defense to hide intense unworthiness. Gs:
1. believe they don’t need other people
2. don’t recognize normal human limitations, nor their own
3. exaggerate talents, capacity & achievements, are boastful or pretentious
4. feel unique, special or superior, compared to others. May not admit it even to themself, because it’s not part of S-H
Gs :
5. live in grand fantasies, without taking realistic actions
6. look down on others who won’t take the same chances – as weak or cowardly
7. generally criticize, nit-pick & downgrade other people’s projects, achievements, ideas & dreams – as ‘small’

IMP: Grandiosity hurts ourself AND is abusive to others

NEXT: Grandiosity #2

VICTIMS or NOT? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

HOW BAD WAS IT?
It’s hard for me to know!

PREVIOUS: Victims or Not?

REVIEW: “Feeling Sorry For….”

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

VICTIMs or NOT?  (V = victim , P = Perpetrator / abuser)
Victims can be of any age or gender & from any socio-economic level. While standards differ by culture, it occurs in every country. Because being a V. is often created at an early age, being abused (learned helplessness) is passed from generation to generation like a family disease, called the “inter-generational cycle”.

Victim’s reaction to abuse is great confusion. 
“Do I have a right to say, or even think, that what’s happening is really Abuse? I doubt it. After all, sometimes the other person is nice to me & fun to be with, says they can’t live without me, & tells me they’re sorry. And their actions aren’t always obvious to others, so I may just be making it all up!  Is feeling overwhelmed (self-doubting, drained, fearful, angry, frustrated, hopeless …) about what they are doing, or am I just over-reacting?”

ACoAs often get things backward: (S-H vs Truth)
OLD/NEWThe distorted logic of our self-hate says :
1. it wasn’t all that bad (although some part of us know it was)
2. they DID love us / they did the best they could
3. we were NOT really Victims – just annoying, needy, selfish, weak, bad, flawed kids – & will be forever!

Actually, sanity tells us the truth
✺ We did go thru a terribly painful, chaotic childhood – very real Victims of our home, neighborhood, school, religion, & playground.  We had no choice & very few options at the time. We were Vs then, BUT don’t have to be Vs any more.

YET, as long as we hold on to the S-H lies as our main internal reality, we’re stuck & can’t fully heal. Before Recovery – & sometimes long into it – ACoAs’ reaction to early trauma is either Perpetual Victim or Stoic.

a. Perpetual Victim:  Many ACoAs are still actively living in the old destructive patterns set out for us, & refuse to give up the V. role.
Their attitude is: “I was then & am forever a casualty of my family / school / church…..  I just can’t cope with life, so you can’t expect me to function. I can’t do anything differently now because I’m so debilitated by those experiences. Someone has to take care of me”….
We stay “sick” to stay loyal to our Parents, so we don’t have to:
• do the lifelong hard work of healing our wounds (feel the old pain, change CDs)
• fully take care of ourself as healthy adults, especially if we had to do that for a parent & siblings when we were kids. “Been there – done that”

The is one of many ACoA ironies:
🔶 we cling to deep denial – the abuse & neglect didn’t affect us!
BUT
🔷 we won’t try to heal & be comfortable because we’d lose the proof of what did happened to us back then! “If I get better, no one will ever know how bad it was, & I want everyone to see it & feel sorry for me!”.

This partially comes from a sad reality that most people in our culture assume that if someone ‘looks good / does well’ it means that :
the person is healthy, always had it easy, must have come from a good home, don’t have any problems & never needed to overcome anything.

So, ACoAs who desperately long for external validation for our trauma – from everyone – believe we can only get it if we stay miserable.
This keeps us torturing ourselves unnecessarily – a great shame. We DO need validation, from a few legitimate sources, but then it has to be internalized, so we always “know what I know” in any setting. (re. ACEs – w/ Tree)

re. Self-Pity – from John W. Garner (HEW Sec.)
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics. It’s addictive, gives momentary pleasure, & separates the victim from reality.” For ACoAs – IT’S:
NEGATIVE: being perpetually immersed in the “poor-me’s”
POSITIVE: having deep compassion for ourself – not wallowing. (POSTs “Feeling Sorry for“).
We do have to mourn the loss of all the needs we never got met – a crucial part of Recovery, & the beginning of Transformation. (More…. re. image)

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NEXT: Victim or NOT (Stoic)  #2

Considering Abuse

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

I’M SO UNHAPPY BEING WITH THEM
but it must be my fault!

PREVIOUS: Principles of    Character

SITE: re. Categories of abuse

NOTE: This series will have many lists of abusive behaviors, in many categories, & from different perspectives, so there will be a lot of over-lap in headings & examples. This is deliberate. As kids we HAD to ignore, trivialize or forget what was done to us, & then act out those self-destructive patterns in our adult life.

We must identify exactly what happened before we can change it, & repetition is useful in breaking thru our denial. Also, reading or hearing something in different wording & context can more easily get past our defenses. The main (but not exclusive) focus of these posts is on Emotional Abuse.

DEF : Abuse – are all the painful things done to us & around us as kids, & comes in each of 4 PMES categories,
and Neglect – are all the good things we didn’t get, growing up

ABUSE : In general, it’s any communication or behavior designed to control & enslave someone. In alcoholic & narcissistic families it was to keep us ‘in our place’, to prevent us from leaving home, to punish us for not being who or what the Perpetrators expected, or wanted!
It is & was done by causing continual fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion & manipulation.

Its any form of intrusion into another’s psyche, including :
• a desire to to denigrate, to ignore, to causes pain
• financial, intellectual or spiritual tactics, ranging from mild to lethal
• ignoring or making fun of another’s basic needs & interests
• verbal, physical, sexual &/or emotional attacks
• not respecting privacy, being brutally honest with a sadistic sense of humor, consistently tactless, expect too much

⚙︎ Most people automatically assume ‘abuse’ only refers to physical harm – yelling, hitting, beating, broken bones …. so will firmly state: “I was never abused growing up”. However, because human beings are made up of 4 interlocking categories (PMES = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual) we can be wounded OR encouraged in many ways at each level.

Being abused can happen just once with someone, or when subjected to a bully for a short time. But usually it’s a long-term pattern of behavior by a severely damaged, cruel, angry &/or mentally ill person who uses their position (as parent, boss, teacher, mate, older sibling or friend, community leader…. ) to:
▷ intimidate others who have less personal or social power, OR
▷ take advantage of those who by nature or training are more accommodating, compliant & sensitive

While most people on occasion act unkindly, even cruelly, when provoked or under great stress, what we’re looking at here is ongoing attitudes & actions that tear us down, body & soul. Even when they seem intermittent, over time they wear at us !
Therefore ACoAs can honestly say that we were severely & regularly abused by our damaged parents (& other authority figures) , especially re. emotions (Es). Genuine Es are NOT widely recognized, valued or encouraged in our society, much less in dysfunctional families. So we ended up ignoring or minimizing them in ourself, as well as in others, especially if we didn’t get physically or sexually attacked as kids.

Most of us never felt loved but blamed ourself for the lack. Regardless of what our parents said or how they felt about us in their own mind & heart – their distorted way of treating us was not an expression of healthy Love.
So to compensate – as adults – we look for it everywhere we go, & from everyone we deal with.
This can make us vulnerable to a subtle form of abuse – being ‘over-loved’, needed & depended on too much, OR being over-protected & infantilized, OR controlled & used.

These are actually ways to treat us as an extension of the person who claims to love us, as an object rather than a separate being, or a means of their personal gratification. It’s never about what the way the ‘beloved’ really needs or wants.
BTW,
LOVE is the emotion with the highest energy vibration. IT:
🔅feels good, because it’s the absence of fear
🔅is an action, not just a feeling, so requires attention
🔅is unconditional, understands & accepts differences
🔅has empathy, no room for jealousy, has wants but is not needy
🔅means putting other people’s needs equal to, or before our own
🔅varies in how it’s expressed & accepted, which can include letting go, so doesn’t demand continuing a relationship that no longer works.

NEXT: Victims or not?

Principles of Character – Outline

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

self-awarenessTHESE ARE THE QUALITIES
I aspire to, a day-at-a-time

PREVIOUS: “Keep the focus on yourself” means? (Part 2)

POSTs: What is Character ?


PRINCIPLES  —> Values —> Comments useful for Character Education

1. ATTRACTION: Courage, Discernment, Self-awareness
We attract whatever we put our attention to, which makes it bigger. If we don’t do anything to limit destructive impulses, life becomes increasingly difficult for us to control. By staying awake & using discernment, we can see the difference between what’s helping or harming us. Then we need the courage to take steps toward health, by eliminating negative desires that attract chaos into our life. (POST  : ACoAs & Risk“)

2. CAUSE & EFFECT : Accountability, Good Intentions, Restraint
According to the ‘law of the universe’ – for every action there’s an equal re-action. When we realize that we’re accountable for our thoughts, words & actions, we can own what motivates our actions, & recognize the wisdom of reasonable restraint
. calmness(POSTs : “Keep the focus on yourself” and “Fear of Responsibility“)

3. DEVOTION : Concentration, Calmness, Focus
We can connect with Creative Intelligence by taking the time to find our True Self, not the false ego. This can be done by being calm, & concentrating on deeper thoughts, whether through prayer, song, meditation or a walk in the woods. When we focus on Spiritual Principles & actions, we glimpse the Divine

4. FAITH : Trust, Hope, Patience
There is a Loving Intelligence that pervades all things. What’s needed is to hold on to our trust & hope, even when living in the midst of uncertainty. Faith is the willingness to take the next step required without fear or looking back, with the patience to allow Divine Order to work-through our situation without trying to force solutions.. (POST “Lack of Trust and Healthy Trusting“)

5. FORGIVENESS : Compassion, Mercy, Understandingforgiveness
Forgiveness frees us from the damaging image of ourself as a victim. It dissolves the poison of resentment which blocks healing & growth. Choosing a new understanding of our pain & trauma, it gives us the freedom to treat ourself with mercy & compassion, as well as to those who have wronged us. This reconnects us to our Real Self. (many POSTs : …. Forgiveness)

6. GRATITUDE: Generosity, Magnanimity, Appreciation
True Universal Reality provides abundance. When we’re grateful & appreciate what life has to offer, it shows H.P. that we accept whatever’s been given to us, & therefore lacking nothing essential.
To attract more prosperity, feel generous toward all life. This opens the flow of supply into our world – because whatever we give to life returns to us.

7. HARMONY : Optimism, Co-operation, Enthusiasm
copoperationA Universal law : We can choose what attitudes we want to focus on, such as optimism & cooperation, rather than being a victim of painful experiences, It allows being in control of ourself, & having inner quiet.
Enthusiasm means to willingly, happily perform all types of jobs (large or small) which generate beneficial energy, making us far more likely to succeed.

8. HUMILITY : Modesty, Unpretentious, Gentleness
Being modest & un-pretentious keeps us from puffing ourself up with self-importance. God in His own way & time provides us with whatever we need, as we rid ourself of pride, & maintain an attitude of gentleness & acceptance. (POSTs “Humiliation“, and “Arrogance vs Humility”)

9. INTEGRITY : Truthfulness, Courage, Sincerity, Honesty
“Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts.”
It means to act according to the values, beliefs & principles we claim to hold (internally consistent, opposite of hypocrisy).
The connection to our Inner Self is strengthened when we align our thoughts, words & actions with Truth, & have the courage to act with sincerity & honesty. It’s letting go of “our will run riot”, & honor the Divine Will.   (POSTs  “Why ACoAs Lie“)

10. LOVE : Compassion, Kindness, Nurturing, Self-Esteem, Self-Respect
serenityAll living things need love to survive. We must first take care of our own need for it so we don’t become emotionally toxic. When we shift self-talk from the Inner Critic (Introject) to the Inner Companion (Loving Parent), we increase self-esteem & self-respect. Then we’re free to be the helpful, caring & thoughtful people we want to be.

11. SURRENDER : Acceptance, Freedom, Contentment
When we accept what’s happening to us in the moment as part of a grander plan needed for our growth – we experience a new freedom. We welcome whatever comes into our life, surrendering to a Higher will. This awareness provides contentment & peace.   (POST :“Acceptance & ACoAs”)

NEXT: Considering abuse