recovery

INTERNAL HIGH COST of Angry-niceness (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

P-A wifeI’M SO STRESSED OUT
& no one will help me!

PREVIOUS: Co-dep angry-nice (#2a)

BOOK: “The Book of No:
250 Ways to Say It – & Mean It, & Stop People-Pleasing Forever”
Susan Newman, PhD (book review)


INTERNAL High COST of angry-niceness
✔︎ Abandoned – as an adult.
To totally depend on others (especially on narcissists) to be ‘seen’ & for a sense of worth – will always leave you disappointed & even more alone. Yes, we need other people to help, encourage & validate. But self-esteem is an inside job, a combination of taking care of our WIC, growing the UNIT & relying on a Higher Power to heal our wounds.

✔︎ Addicted – Constantly depriving ourselves of needs, wants, dreams, goals…. makes the hole-in-our-soul** bigger & bigger. But since nature abhors a vacuum, we try to satisfy the longing for comfort & security with any addiction that fits our personality type. And it’s often a witch’s brew, engaging in several all at once or sequentially. If we’re constantly over-giving, we may escape by over-spending, over-eating, over-working…..

✔︎ Beleaguered (surrounded by troubles), yours & everyone else, until you just want to scream, but that’s too unacceptable, so you swallow the anger & collapse inward. Always saying “I’m sorry”- for things that are not your fault OR beyond your control, tying to placate the monsters inside & out

✔︎ Burnt out – run yourself into the ground, a workhorse – or should we say ‘work like a dog’!? BY – try to do more than everyone else
– never ask for help (including spouse & kids)
–  have outrageous expectations of yourself (perfectionism)

✔︎ Confused – “I don’t know how to____, I can’t seem to ____ // Why don’t I get any better? Why am I not appreciated? What am doing wrong? Should I have ____? Why don’t I ever get picked for ____? // I’m not sure who to listen to, who to believe. Isn’t my family right? What if my husband /wife is right about me?”…..

beleaguered

✔︎ Desperate – your frantic efforts to get your needs met in round-about ways always end up in disappointment & disaster. Sadly, no matter how much effort you put in & how determined you are, just like you can’t fix others, they can never fix you. Even so, you keep PMES starving, but refuse to feed yourself. You just get more & more desperate, often to the point of being suicidal

✔︎ Distrustful – if others do actually like you, it doesn’t count because:
– you don’t believe you’re worthwhile
– you don’t trust your own judgement as to who is sincere & who isn’t
– you idealize others, BUT are secretly sure no one is safe
– you know you’re not emotionally honest, so assume they only like your fake front
– you don’t realize others can see your good qualities, even tho’ you can’t

✔︎ False Self – that you had to develop as child – continues to get reinforced & dominates our life.  Only focusing on your outsides, waiting to be rescued / taken care of guarantees disappointment, wastes decades of your life. You miss out on drive & spontaneity, ignoring opportunities to be creative, to use your natural gifts & to accept all aspects of yourself

✔︎ Frustrated – from never getting control over others to make them be what you want, & do what you need – so you can feel safe. From trying so hard to get it right but never ‘figuring it out’. From longing for the love you don’t think you deserve or have a right to. From living in the fantasy of how thing would be, if only……

✔︎ Gilt-ridden – any time you’re less than chipper, any time you have an angry thought about someone, any time you just can’t do something you think you should or what someone else wants, any time you take a minute out for yourself, anytime someone’s angry at you, any time you’re not perfect……

✔︎ Obsessive – endlessly ‘chewing the cud’, going ’round & ’round about:
– something you did or didn’t do, that you’re sure is going to make others turn away from you in anger or disgust – OR
– about what someone said that hurt, or what they didn’t do that you wanted….. wasting time & energy trying to figure out why?
SO you can fix it & not be abandoned!

NEXT:Internal Negatives #2

BEING TOO NICE – High Cost (#2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , , , , ,

I’M PROUD OF WORKING
harder than everyone else!

PREVIOUS: Being too nice #1

SITE: ☀︎ “Too agreeable’?
☀︎ Childhood Trauma Recovery ARCHIVE

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

 

The HIGH COST of ‘too nice’ (cont)
Co-Dependence & Anger have a reciprocal connection. Some people compensate for their fear/terror of rejection – for having their own needs, opinions & emotions such as anger – by using people-pleasing tactics. They may not have started out angry, but the longer they have to suppress their own needs & feelings, the angrier they get.  ‘Fake-nice’ has its limits, so when we can no longer hold down the rage that’s been building, we can explode outward – at others, OR or implode – on ourself, getting depressed, physically ill &/or suicidal.

Michelle Ferris (LMFT) offers 3 Co-Dep traits that breed anger & resentment
 – while trying to soothe internal pain, & avoid feeling shame, loneliness & emptiness :
1. The Illusion of control — over others (the Serenity Prayer backwards)
2. Being a Superhero — always over-giving, never asking for help
3. The Lie of being FINE — superheroes aren’t supposed to be vulnerable, have weakness or needs

Active Co-deps have not yet learned that:
• it’s normal for everyone to experience anger, being part of the kaleidoscope of emotions we’re born capable of
• it’s imperative to find legitimate, effective outlets for anger, so it doesn’t get vented in situations that can harm ourself or others
• there’s a difference between the WIC’s anger from S-H’s beliefs & unrealistic demands of others vs. appropriate anger at being victimized by family & others
• the best way to manage anger is to deal with it as soon as we can, each time we feel it – so it doesn’t have a chance to build up
• we can give ourselves permission to feel & deal with all emotions
(‘Anger & Co-dependency‘. Great site by Dr. Irene)

GIVER or TAKER??

In their book “The Givers & Takers“, the authors Evatt & Feld point out that – ironically – Takers are more ‘desirable’, in spite of & because of being less available, less forthcoming & less sensitive. When they do give – it’s more reluctantly, sporadically & for calculated reasons. They’re the ones who lean back  instead of forward in their chair when having a conversation, who seem not to need anything, who have an air of mystery. Yet, they’re considered more sexually & socially attractive, while Easy/Soft is considered uninteresting & un-sexy!

The authors believe these are the Introverts of the world, while the Givers are the Extroverts. There may be some validity in that, because Introverts don’t need or want as much contact & interaction with others.
But it’s not the whole story.
Introversion is an inborn characteristic & is not a sign of emotional damage.
On the other hand, dyed-in-the-wool Takers are more likely to be trying to compensate for childhood damage – withholding, arrogant, insecure & narcissistic – hiding behind silence, while feeding off of the others who chase them.

Now, if you are the co-dependent Giver type, unavailables are like catnip to you – BUT you don’t want to be one of them! You’re too driven to give, sacrifice, be needed, rescue & fix – to be aloof. HOWEVER – if you are indeed an extrovert/ connector type by nature, you really do have a good heart, so it’s imperative you learn to moderate how much you give & to whom – if you want mental health & true safety.
Of course, to be psychologically heathy and a giver- we have to have clear, firm boundaries, which means knowing your needs.. (Healthy Helping).

Not the Real you? Angry-niceness is a damage-trait, like all other character defects. The big mistake many of us make is to think these patterns represent our real personality, murmurin g: “Well, that’s just who I am, I can’t help it.” Actually, it’s a manifestation of the False Self, rather than written in stone. So the good news is that it can slowly be changed, or at least greatly modified.

NEXT: INTERNAL High Cost, #1

BEING TOO NICE – High Cost (#1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , , , ,

angry-nicenessI DON’T KNOW WHY
they’re being so mean to me!

PREVIOUS: Underpinnings, #2.

 

The HIGH COST of ‘too nice’

Co-dependence is a survival strategy developed in childhood in an alcoholic or otherwise narcissistic family & community. They prevented us from developing a clear sense of our identity, so we didn’t learn how to be our own knowledgeable & loving caretaker. We may not realize we’ve taken on this ‘persona’, but a deep part of our psyche wants to please others to avoid negative reactions we’re afraid we won’t be able to bear.

Now, as physical adults – but reacting emotionally as a child – we use co-dep tactics as sneaky ways of expecting other people to fill the hole in our heart left by our unhealthy parents. Not usually aware of being angry & scared, & not believing inot with-itn ourself – we constantly look to others to tell us who we are, what we should wear, read, think, feel, study, do for a living…. even to giving us permission to exist! – because any differences threatens our WIC. We end up ‘wearing’ people’s personalities – at least when we’re with them.

This makes us vulnerable to the moods of others, as if their state if mind is a reflection on us – so if they treat us well we’re OK, but if they’re cranky, critical or just gone – we blame ourselves and feel bereft!  With weak or missing boundaries we’re everybody’s puppet, jerking an uncertain way thru life

Q: What if the one basic requirement for boundaries?
ANS: Our NEEDS! Knowing what they are, having permission to own them & then implementing as many as possible. You can’t draw a line in the sand unless you know where that line is supposed to be – which is based on your True Self.

People-pleasing
As co-dependents we are people-pleaser (P-P) – who will do anything at all, no matter how humiliating & self-destructive – to keep others attached to us. Many ‘experts’ warn that being too nice will lead to a loss of self-worth – implying we had it at sometime in the past. This may be true in some cases, but not for most ACoAs. People-pleasing is rooted in & springs out of a lack of healthy core & genuine self-esteem – to start with.

As a result of this lack, co-dep P-Ps are most easily attracted to friends & mates who are controlling, who always seem to know what’s best, & happy to tell everyone. And they want to be with us because we let them be in charge all the time. If we had at least one such parent or other important caretaker – we make the unconscious connection between love & being controlled. We think that way we’re safe & don’t have to make the effort to figure out what we want.

However, no matter how battered, each of us does have an inner voice of our own that wants to be heard. So eventually, in a long-term relationship with any controller – we can get more & more anxious, resenting the other person for always getting their way. But afraid of rejection, we may start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive, instead of leaving or being more assertive. (MORE….

Being “too nice” can backfire
a.  Others often see it as a sign of weakness & some will use it as an opportunity to take advantage of us. (More in a future post)

b. If you’re ‘too nice’, wanting social harmony at any cost, you avoid conflict as much as possible, but end up harming yourself. You’re much less willing to stand up for yourself, or say things like: “No, I don’t want that / No, I won’t do it / No that’s not what I meant….”

This avoidance creates more disruptions, since problems never get aired or resolved, & in some cases cause others harm as well!

NEXT: Being Too Nice, #1

Co-Dep Angry-Nice UNDERPINNINGS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I’LL DO ANYTHING
to keep you happy! 

PREVIOUS: Co-Dep Angry-Nice UNDERPINNINGS (#1)

SITE : 11 thing Codependents do unintentionally (scroll down)

BOOK: “Deceived” by Claudia Black, includes 3 types of anger

REVIEW : From LovetoPivot
“The anger or rage that codependents often experience arises from various factors related to their tendencies. The problem is that codependents are frequently drawn to relationships where their anger is perpetuated. A key reasons for the anger is the discrepancy between their expectations & reality.
The complexities of codependency can cause resentment as they may find themselves in relationships where their needs are not met, promises are broken, feel disappointed or betrayed. These experiences can trigger anger as a normal & healthy reaction to unfulfilled needs or compromised trust….. ”

Co-dependence UNDERPINNINGS (cont)
YOU HAVE:
• X-ray vision – inside your personal Fun House, you’re looking into the eyes of everyone distorted mirrorelse trying to figure out who you are, but only seeing other people or distorted versions of yourself thru their eyes

• Filters – you weed out anything positive about yourself, positive opportunities, your actual accomplishments….. including the people who actually do recognize value in you, who are willing to help you to help yourself…..

• Fuzz – like a grey TV screen – whenever extreme terror shuts down your frontal cortex, i.e.. the ability to think at all, OR just that familiar vagueness that comes over you, especially when it’s for your own benefit. Favorite phrases are: “I’m overwhelmed / I’m confused / I don’t know”. It’s easier to vegg out with favorite distractions than admit what you really feel & need

• Magical thinking – you’re sure you have the ‘love’ & the will to fix broken people, & sure you’re doing it out of the goodness of your heart.  But actually – it’s to make them well enough to provide you with all the things you want for yourself but don’t have a right to get directly

• Pitch Fever – frantic to get everything done you’ve committed to, exhausted but never wanting to disappoint anyone, rushing from one task to the next, & feeling guilty for even thinking you need a break!

• Mommy Issues – careening thru life looking to finally be rescued & taken care of, secretly scanning everyone you interact with: “Are you my mommy? – Are you my mommy?” Even if you think you only have Daddy issues (yes, they may be very real too), you still needed a strong, healthy mother back then, but where was she???

• Nose – even in a room full of ‘normal’ people, if there’s one sick or needy person, you’ll ferret them out to latch on to or seduce – whichever works, It’s mainly to stave off your loneliness but looking to be their savior so heel needed.  This is in spite of feeling barely a few inches higher off the ground than them yourself, so you can feel a tiny bit less unlovable. Or because you assume none of the others would want to be with you??

• Reverse logic – getting the Serenity Prayer backwards. Instead of: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference”, you compulsive try to do the impossible & keep putting off the things you really can doput up walls

• Walls – in spite of a desperate need to connect, you’re so terrified of intimacy that you compulsively pick emotionally unavailable friends, mated, jobs…. their harmful patterns keeping you at arm’s length, to guarantee that no one gets too close.
If they did, you believe the only thing they’d ‘find out’ is how worthless you are – according to the PP in your head! Unfortunately, your WIC agrees, even through H.P & others do not!

NEXT: Negative results – Intro

Co-Dep Angry-Nice UNDERPINNINGS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , , , ,

love-buyingscreen-shot-2017-02-24-at-12-13-36-pmTHEY WON’T LIKE ME
unless I try a lot harderrom : New-Life

PREVIOUS: Co-dep #1

SITE: Qs @ Co-dep
Anger False beliefs @ being angry

✒︎ 7 ways to say NO (for People-pleases)

From New Life Spirit Recovery 
“Codependency is much broader than simply being involved with a substance abuser. In fact, that is a symptom, not the actual problem at all.  Codependency reflects an inner brokenness & a foundation that is people-based rather that God-based. This foundation drives a codependent to find someone or something outside of themselves to meet their deepest emotional & spiritual needs. It puts people in the place of God.” (See their list of characteristics)

Co-dependence UNDERPINNINGS (all at the same time!)
YOU ARE:
• Hero – of your own story, but not really. Your sense of importance & value is totally dependent on what you can do for others, whether they want it or not, and on how others react to you. If they respond positively, you can breathe. If they don’t – even once – you feel like the rug’s been pulled out. So you have to keep running from the monster (the Introject), to make sure you always do the right thing – for others – but never for yourself

• Jelly – inside. A quivering mass of terror & self-flagellation, always waiting for the other shoe to drop! The least little thing that goes wrong – you blame yourself – whether others hurt your feelings, or heaven-forbid you don’t know something, or make even a tiny mistake – all reasons to condemn yourself

• Mind-reader – sure you know what everyone else is thinking  – about you. Your shame & S-H ‘knows’ it’s never anything good, so you never bother to actually find out by asking, lest your suspicions prove to be true, which you couldn’t bear

• Martyr – taking on the burdens of everyone else, carrying their suffering for them (as if you actually could!), assuming they are weak & you’re so much stronger

• Secret Superman/ Wonder-woman – able to leap tall buildings with your determination to march on alone in spite of all your hardships, proving your ability to save others, while never needing any help yourself

YOU HAVE:
• Antennae – that constantly swivel back & forth towards everyone else, overly- attuned to your assessment/assumption of other people’s emotions & needs – whether accurate or not. Your focus is for external approval, rather than internal self-appreciation & fulfillment. Left to your own devices, you feel lost, purposeless, even empty

• Brakes – like on a car – but only the emergency one, keeping you locked in place, stuck in the mud of your pain, so you can’t take care of yourself. You think if you stand perfectly still you’ll be safe, but all you’re doing is trading real freedom & enjoyment for fake-protection

• A Committee – a dangerous ’round’ table in your head of warring factions – most with opposing points of view, vying for the upper hand – AND all negative. They’re so loud, you can’t find your own voice, & they drive you crazy, because you’re trying to make sense of craziness!

• Distortions – of thinking (CDs) that warp the way you see & interpret the world – thru the haze of Toxic Rules, FoA & S-H. This includes a skewed idea of Higher Power/God. ACoAs automatically assume that “God is an Alcoholic Parent”. We either:
— hate the whole ‘spirituality’ issues because God didn’t rescue us from very real childhood trauma, or
— try to earn love & acceptance by good works (people-please HP) or
— assume the ‘universe’ is against us, no matter what we do, just like it was at home

NOTE: John Bradshaw (Psychotherapist & ex-priest)said  : “Before age 7 we deify our parents. After that we parentalize our deity”.

NEXT: Co-Dep UNDERPINNINGS  (#2)

Hidden ISSUES for Angry ‘Nice’ People (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem

I’M SO CONFUSED! Which one do I do?

PREVIOUS: Issues for co-deps, #1

SITE: ANGER is the KEY – not love!

 

SHOW ANGER INDIRECTLY
–  See Symptoms in Us and Toward Others

COVER-UPS (Defensive Styles)
a. Avoider: Never lets others see their anger, or “see them sweat”
b. Container : Knows they’re angry but holds it in, hoping it’ll blow over

c. Denier: They are so suppressed they don’t feel anything
d. Helper – with strings
• they do & give too much: time, energy, worry, $$, gifts
• only have sympathy for underdogs, listen to everyone’s woes
• always worried, too involved with/concerned for anyone who is suffering

e. Internalizer: Full of S-H, they blame themselves for anything unpleasant that happens to them, absorbing the anger they really feels toward others
f. Rejecter: They grew up around verbal & physical rage, which was painful & terrifying, so now they’re determined never to get let themself get angry

g. Self-Blamer: They’re used to being condemned for everything that goes wrong, so they assume the worst about themselves, living with guilt & depression
h. Shocker: Swinging from silence to attack, they hold all their anger in for so long that it finally explodes, unexpectedly, usually at anyone less powerful
i. Stuffer: As children they had to swallow anger at abusive & neglectful parents, & feel guilty for still being angry at them, especially if a parent now wants to be ‘friends’!

j. Submerger
• they have weak boundaries, never ask for own needs, suffer in silence
• have fear of authority, tolerate many indignities, only do what others want
k. Underhander: They deny being angry because they see it as an ugly trait & want to avoid push-back. But then they take it out on others: the wife & kids, the passing cab, the store clerk, the dog…..  (MORE….)

🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

From Human Synergistics Int.- the Circumflex, with adaptive vs. non-adaptive styles, is used in business to show help companies improve functioning. Their framework can also be applied to individuals.  Read overview
📈🔑 Consider the “Leader”as yourself, & the “Culture” as the PPT you choose to surround yourself with. The difference between the Constructive vs other 2 is márked.

PASSIVE-DEFENSIVE third:
P=A quadrantPosition #3 Approval – Tying one’s self-worth to being liked & accepted by others. Too much – try very hard to please others, make good impressions, be agreeable & obedient  (‘simple’ Co-Dep type)

#4 Conventional – Preoccupied with conforming / blending in with the environment to avoid attention. Too much: rely on set routines & procedures, keeping the status quo, wanting every part of life to be secure, predictable

#5 Dependent – need for self-protection, believing they have little direct or personal control over important events. Too much: let others make decisions for them, depend too much on others for help, & willingly obey orders

#6 Avoidance – have anxiety, a strong need for self-protection, & a tendency to withdraw from threatening situations. Too much:  play it safe, minimize risks, shy away from conversations or group activities, are indecisive & non-committal in most situations

AGGRESSIVE-DEFENSIVE third:
#7 Oppositional – great need for security seen by questioning & being cynical. Criticism is use to get attention & blame is used to deflect mistakes

#8 Power – need for prestige & influence, using control to bolster self-image. Too much: dictate (not guide) others’ actions, try to run everything themself, treat others with aggression & force

#9 Competitive – need to protect their status by comparing self to others, out-performing them, & never seeming to lose. Too much: look for recognition & praise from others, see even non-competitive situations as contests or challenges, & maintain a sense of superiority

#10 Perfectionistic – need to always get flawless results, avoid failure, equate self-worth with reaching unreasonably high standards. Too much:  preoccupied with details, making excessive demands on self & others, show impatience, frustration & indifference toward others’ needs or feelings

CHART  Segments – click on “CONSTRUCTIVE” third & the 3 outer rings
Also read: ‘Excuses’ & Comments

NEXT: SYMPTOMS of Hidden Anger (#1) 

Hidden ISSUES for Angry ‘Nice’ People (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,

P-A issuesAS LONG AS I’M ‘GOOD’
I’ll be OK (I hope!)

PREVIOUS: Intro b

SITE: Danger of Suppressing Anger

QUOTE: Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways”.  Sigmund Freud

ISSUES for “Secretly angry” people
GREAT DESIRE
• to be loved  //  to not be attacked // to not be alone or lonely

BASIC FEARSsad girl
• of self-reflection //  being abandoned //  being punished

UNDERLYING ISSUES
• feel inadequate, not entitled, self-hating, shame-bound
• not allowed to be assertive or angry, always assume rejection

WELL-BEHAVED, But ALSO:
• controlling, critical, unforgiving // indirectly cruel, attacking, vengeful
• depressed, fussy, hard to please, moody, shy, thin-skinned, withdrawn

PAY-OFFS for using defenses (ie. Negative Benefits)
1. False Weakness (see Original LL)
a. Avoid facing childhood pain
• Connecting with the pain of past & current emotional injuries makes us feel vulnerable, out of control, small & helpless. Anger is energizing – but not allowed – so we end up in constant anxiety, & don’t know why

b. Create physical pain (real or not), as substitute for #a.
• If we’re workaholic (do, do, do) and not allowed to rest / relax / have fun, we can get sick to slow us down
suffer• If we’re not allowed to be given empathy, sympathy, emotional support…. then physical ailments become a way of eliciting some of it ‘legitimately’, since they are tangible & considered acceptable, while emotional hurts can’t be seen & are often considered a weakness or ‘dramatic’
• If we’re not allowed to be/feel taken care of or to find the right kind of help, practically or psychologically, then being weak, sick, incapacitated…. can get us some attention

c. Continue being mistreated & abused

• Some of us are so used to being in the victim role – which we really were as kids – that we don’t want to give it up as adults, because it would create separation anxiety from the family & our bad-parent Introject.
Being a victim is about the ‘poor MEs’, staying emotionally immature, waiting to be taken care of. While there is a lot of anger under this position, it’s not supposed to show!

d. Get approval for a role
STOIC:
Not letting ourselves experience & deal with jealousy, anger, sadness, fear…. is often incorrectly considered ‘strong’, & gently admired in many parts of our society, including the religious community.  They tells us it’s not OK (weak or un-spiritual) to admit to or show unpleasant ‘negative’ emotions, especially anger. It’s called  ‘loosing it, being emotional’. We’re even told that all emotions ‘cloud our judgment’.
Unfortunately obeying these dictates is harmful physically & psychologically  (CHART)

DOORMAT: Being such a ‘nice’ person that you have no opinions or boundaries may make it easier on some people to be around us – especially narcissists – & superficially satisfies our WIC’s desperation to never be abandoned by others, but it insures that we abandon ourself  (MORE….”Recovering Doormat”)

2. False Strength (See Reverse  LL)
a. Superiority
• Admired – as martyr, ‘good guy’, saint, ‘spiritual’
• One-up – needing others to be needy, sick, dependent, not successful

b. Controlling
• Emotional blackmail, to keep others fearful, attached to us
• Demand our own way (always) – ‘nice’ is only superficial
• Hamper or destroy ‘loved ones’  – if they try to be free, happy, themselves

c. Punishing / manipulating
• When we, in the guise of ‘good’ GIVER (G), continually help / rescue / dominate – another person, then the Receiver/ victim/ inferior / weaker (R) must:
— have unquestioning, blind loyalty, never object or question
— always provide affection & total attention, care-take

• If the R. objects, withdraws or rebels, then:
— Giver (G) sees R. as selfish, ungrateful, abusive
— G. will punish R. overtly or covertly, attacking or withdrawing

NEXT: SYMPTOMS of Hidden Anger (#1)

Co-Dependent Anger-Niceness (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

over-giving
THEY NEED ME, THEY NEED ME!
If I can carry them, I’ll be loved

PREVIOUS: Secretly angry-nice #1

SITE: Article 1 // Article 2

 

KINDNESS vs Angry-NICENESS
True Kindness is a positive trait, coming from an inner place of abundance – the person having enough of their needs & wants met from their healthy family, themself & in the world. It allows them to be reasonably happy with their life, but not complacent. As a result, they can be thoughtful & generous, without needing or expecting a return.

This satisfaction translates into relating positively to others, but not a as pushover, victim or martyr. AND developing a safe support system carries them thru hard times – showers or storms  – which happen to us all.  Being a genuinely kind person is never a liability when it’s an outgrowth of personal strength, emotional stability & humanity.   nice neighbors

True Kindness is totally the opposite of co-dependence. It honors our own needs & values, expressing this to others so they know where they stand with us.
Sometimes healthy kindness is uncomfortable. Sometimes it means saying ‘No” to someone’s request or demand, because it’s not good for us, or not good for them – like not giving money to an active addict, not spending the night with a stranger, not over-doing when sick or tired….

NOTE:  Our True Self may indeed be helpful, caring & kind. And for wounded people who want to scrub off the False Self layer, with enough Recovery we who are ‘natural helpers’ can find a balance between legitimate giving & appropriate self-care.
Other personality Types can finally uncover & admit that ‘helping’ is not really their style at all – they need more privacy & solitude to fulfill healthy goals & natural talents.
ARTICLE:”For Everyone who has been called ‘Too Nice’.” Re. Positive niceness!!

Co-dependent Fake Niceness
Most people occasionally need to hide their anger behind the face of politeness –  especially when it’s the only way to protect oneself.  This is normal.
Here we’re focusing on suppressed-anger-niceness as a way of life. It’s a defense mechanisms, one of many ways damage shows up, used to disguise unhealed wounds of the past. Childhood abandonment always leaves us with a great deal of anger, which ‘nice’ people turn in on themself. Lacking genuine self-esteem, we latch on to others so we can manipulate them into providing our many unmet needs, instead of working to develop these for ourself.

Co-Dep is an outgrowth of self-hate, which tells us that we caused our own pain, from birth – on. And according to this distorted thinking, if we caused it then we surely can cure it. This is the WIC’s sense of false power, who is convinced it can control how we’re  treated – by being extra good – no, perfect!   (opposite of Al-anon’s 3 Cs)
But all we end up doing is twisting ourself into whatever pretzel we think others want, and trying to fix people who are the least likely to change – the narcissists & addicts around us who are too self-absorbed to even see us, much less care. Neither effort ever works!

In reality we could not possibly have caused any of our early suffering, since the damaged adults who raised us were already fully formed before we arrived!  It’s not fair that we have to clean up the mess they left us with, but we do have the ability to heal much of it to better out life. Yet many people are unwilling to shed deep-seated defenses, since it would mean dealing with the original wounds that caused a need for them.

Without a strong inner core of self-esteem, clear thinking & good boundaries, hoe we interact with others is not ‘clean’. At the very least, the surface agreeableness of our angry-niceness is a pretense. At the extreme, being overly-sweet, overly-solicitous, overly-helpful hides our anger , but will come out sideways.

Actually, our carefully controlled actions are basically self-serving, because we’re only being ‘so good’ as a way of conning others into taking care of us – emotionally, psychologically – & often in all 4 PMES way. Whether or not we’re aware of our compulsive patterns is not the point. (See Part 1 re. Selfishness).too helpful

If you’re still actively Secretly-Angry, you want to be seen as a kind person, in spite of how you feel inside, because society considers that a virtue. And being desperate for positive strokes, you assume that’s what is always required & expected of you. But you’re still living in emotional deprivation, so no amount of people-pleasing will fill the void.
Then, the more you do for others, especially if there’s no acknowledgement or appreciation – the angrier you get. But ‘nice’ people aren’t supposed to get angry – so the feeling transforms into resentments.

NEXT: Co-Dep defined #2

Co-Dependent Anger-Niceness (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,


I NEED SUPPORT
from ‘availables’!

PREVIOUS: Co-dep angry-nice #1

SITE: 6 Basic human NEEDS

Remember: we are “Damaged, not defective”!


NEEDS:  As young, vulnerable beings every one of us had legitimate needs that were supposed to be met by caretakers, in order to flourish. Instead, many of us kept getting the message that our need were annoying, overwhelming, unacceptable, even ‘evil’. But since normal human requirements don’t go away, we had to find other ways to try to supply them.
As a result Co-deps & Passive-aggressives (P-As) interact with others from the False Self, both styles trying to get our disavowed needs met indirectly, while hiding fear & rage from early abandonment.
AND we also adopt these styles in an unconscious effort to ‘protect’ others from the WIC’s rage, which is murderous.

A fundamental human need is for connection, but unfortunately angry-niceness, in any form, prevents that very thing, keeping us from fulfilling our needs, wants & dreams.
Sadly, ACoAs tend to surround ourself & stay in relationships with un-recovering addicts & other narcissists – who take their damage out on us.

NOTE the difference between needs & obligations:
a. NEEDS are qualities, necessities & situations that are universal – see Maslow’s pyramid. There are also needs specific to you, based on your unique personality (using EnneaType, Myers-Briggs Type, Signs, Numbers, Learning Style, heredity…..)

b. OBLIGATIONS are activities that relate to functioning in the world as older children (homework, chores….) and as adults. People tend to say “I need to do the laundry, to get to work, to call my doctor, to finish this project, to do my taxes, to walk the dog….”. These are important but not your personality needs.


1. Co-Dependent version : one of their Toxic Rules is : “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine (always)”. The obvious implication is that we should not have any needs of our own.
So co-deps focus all our energy on tasks & obligations, as if we could earn our way to heaven – the heaven of our family’s love! We take on too much – of everything – & then pile on the tasks of others as well, trying to do it all without help! No wonder we get sick, feel depressed, overwhelmed & angry!

2.  Passive-Aggressive version : one of the P-As’ toxic rules is “The world is a dangerous, dog-eat-dog place” so we have to protect ourself at all costs, hiding how angry we really are. P-As find it hard to take care of basic maintenance self-care tasks, or to honor outside obligations, like doing work they’re being paid to do. They show anger indirectly by stonewalling, or “forgetting”. It’s the WIC saying – not just “I don’t wanna” – but flat-out “I won’t! & you can’t make me! You don’t care about me so I don’t care either”, but we’re still waiting for magic. 

As adults we’re afraid to honor the need to set boundaries, & afraid to admit the need to be treated – at the very least – with respect, much less kindness. Asking directly for better responses from others is very hard for us, because WE :
• have been trained to not deserve better, so we think it’s selfish
• keep asking the wrong people when we do try
• refuse to admit the obvious — that unhealthy, narcissistic people only care about themself, don’t want to change, might retaliate in some form…..
• are convinced heathy people will ignore us !

Even so, we need to ask!  but from our ADULT, not from the WIC.
We may get some false promises from them, but even if you get thrown an occasional crumb, don’t let that keep you on their hook! It’s much better to stop chasing,.gather your resolve, back away & temporarily suffer crumb-withdrawal!

While most un-recovered people truly do not have the capacity to provide emotional connection (compassion, empathy, understanding, love….), we can still clearly state how we want them to behave toward us, ★ which is about actions, not emotions (T.E.A.). Otherwise, we end up feeling more & more confused, frustrated & hopeless, wondering why all our efforts aren’t paying off.
Speaking up from our True Self also benefits our Inner Child – no matter what the response is from others ! 

NEXT :

Co-Dependent Anger-Niceness (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , , ,

too niceWHY DON’T PEOPLE APPRECIATE
how hard I work at pleasing them??

PREVIOUS: Symptoms of Angry-niceness – toward others

SITE: Being too nice – dangers in 4 areas of life

QUOTE: ” A person cannot truly be free without self-reflecting” — Hegel

POWER ISSUES
All dysfunctional thinking & behavior grows out of our personality interacting with the unhealthy parenting we were originally stuck with.

Co-dependence (‘Roles & Co-dep’ and ‘Anger & C0-dep’ posts) begins in early childhood, & rarely if ever diminishes on its own. Instead, without Recovery, it usually gets progressively more exaggerated & painful. It’s most often set up by a dominant-submissive family pattern. Only the parent(s) or other caretakers were allowed to have any power – over everything – what you did, what you thought, what you felt, what you wore….. & all the things you were not allowed.
When children’s PMES needs & emotions are ignored & punished, they grow up without knowing who they are, what their rights are & with the assumption they are not allowed to exercise personal power. (Our Rights).

Power is not a dirty word or an evil concept. It is only a negative when used to force others to do what we want, since that means it’s without their consent & against their will. (Rescuing vs. Healthy Helping)
Internal, genuine personal power is essential for healthy functioning. This is what’s missing or very weak in all secretly-angry people.
 ❤️ Being thoughtful & kind to others, needing companionship, or even going out of our way to be helpful is NOT automatically co-dependence. Motivation is what counts. (Deserving vs. Rights)

USES: The seemingly contradictory reasons for people-pleasing is the 2-sided coin of being afraid of independence & at the same time of being dependent. Some people are more terrified of one than the other – consciously – but the 2 are so deeply connected, they both contribute to ‘over-niceness’ as a way of feeling ‘safe’. (Boundaries & ACoAs #3, re. Stayers & Leavers)fear of enmeshment

1. Fear of abandonment (FoA) (Separation) : We always feel like outsiders, longing to belong. Being over-nice is supposed to keep people attached to us, but is counter-productive since they never get to know our whole self, not just our wound-flaws but also our true beauty.

fear of abandonment2. Fear of enmeshment (FoE) (Symbiosis): We’ve been hurt & betrayed too many time, & suffocated by a needy parent. Well, we’re nobody’s fool – we’ll just stay behind our wall!
Being over-nice is supposed to prevent others from crossing our boundaries to the point of strangulation, but instead it just covers a layer of ice, creating PMES starvation. That’s because we don’t actually have boundaries, so have to use artificial protection.  (Insecure Attachment styles)

SELF-CENTERED?
If asked, most Co-dependents would swear they’re giving, caring, selfless creatures. Their True Self may be all those things & more, but Co-dependent Angry-niceness is a defense mechanism, & the motivation for all those ‘helpful’ ways actually comes from the desperate needs of the WIC to shut up the PP in our head! Not to mention that under all that sweetness lurks a volcano, dormant but deadly.(‘Rescuing…)

• We’re told that we can’t love others until we love ourselves. But we were taught that’s selfish & that we don’t deserve it anyway
• We’re supposed to stop only thinking of ourselves & consider other people’s point of view – but isn’t that what we’re already doing???

So, which is it? Me or them? Selfish or self-less? Well, it both because Mental Health is always about balance (20 characteristics).

3 Forms of Selfishness (S)
a. Neutral – when we do anything good for ourself, & it doesn’t involve anyone else
b. Bad – when we do interact with another in a way that seems to only benefit us, AND hurts the other – which can backfire.
c. Good – when we do something that we like/ love/ want – with someone else, who also benefits. (MORE… )

SO? In recovery our P-P / Co-dep hopefully diminishes, but any acting it out is the BAD kind of Selfish, because – no matter how much we con ourselves, aware or not – the wounded part of us is only interested in manipulate others into providing needs we didn’t get at home, & that we don’t believe we can provide for ourselves.

NEXT: Co-Dep angry-nice, #2