mental health

ACoAs ‘Being Negative’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

negativityI FEEL STUCK – could it be what I’m thinking?

PREVIOUS: Dealing with criticism #3

SITEs :  ▪︎ Depression & Letting go of Negative thoughts
▪︎  Positive Power of Negative Thinking (balancing view)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


NEGATIVITY BIAS – is the tendency to register unpleasant stimuli more quickly AND to focus on these events.
People pay more attention to the negative as we try to make sense of the world, so we feel the sting of a rebuke more powerfully than the joy of praise. (More….)

T.E.A. : Negative Thinking is used as a defense mechanism against painful Emotions, & is a way to obey the Toxic Beliefs, which generate unhealthy Actions

OVERVIEW – A very IMP distinction
When ACoAs express emotional distress of any kind, we are often told: “You’re just being negative”.
This is absolutely an incorrect evaluation. The scolding phrase actually refers to our thinking, never to emotions!
Yes, cognitive distortions (toxic beliefs) do create painful emotions, but the thoughts come first, and NO emotion is negative, no matter what the ‘teachers’ say!

CONSIDER: Anything negative is by implication bad.
But emotions are not bad, because they give us tremendously important info about our experiences. Don’t try to change emotions, only toxic thoughts (& the negative behaviors that follow)!

ALSO: Now when we’re in deep pain because of some current event (death of a loved one, loss of a home, a serious health problem, re-experiencing an old trauma….) it’s imperative to not let anyone tell us to “snap out of it / you’re being dramatic / be grateful for X / let go of the past…..”
❣️ We have a right to feel whatever we’re feeling!
What needs to be monitored is our thinking, and stop any based in bitterness, blame, hopelessness, guilt, panic, rage, S-H, shame ….

Negative/toxic thinking (NT) is a form of torture, like self-cutting!
It’s based on Toxic Rules (reinforcing our S-H) and in CDs. It’s when we:
– assume the worst     – believe everything is hopeless
– are surnegativitye we can’t do a lot of things
– think it’s too late, we’re too old….
– can’t see or imagine possibilities
– ignore available options
– limit our vision & dreams
– lose self-respect & confidence

• When we’re in a negative state of mind (obsessive NT) we give off a vibe of fear & powerlessness that brings us & everyone around us down.  It shows in our overall presentation:
⛈ our words -of course-, body language, being emotionally distant, mentally distracted, not listening to others, emotionally distant, antsy, surly….
Being constantly in a negativity space encourages the attraction of other miserable people & situations, while obviously repelling anyone or anything happy, positive & forward-looking.

• For ACoAs, it also reinforces our sense of ‘not belonging’ & feeling disconnected – ie. abandoned, which then make us even more pessimistic! It acts like an underground warren of termites, eating away at the foundations of our self-esteem, sense of purpose & love of life.

ACoAs still living primarily from the WIC’s – ego state get most things backwards – we’re emotionally dyslexic! What is generally safe in the world we ignore or think is dangerous, while being drawn to what is actually dangerous or inappropriate, often considering it acceptable, exciting or ‘feel good’. Identifying what is & isn’t NT about others is a must.

NEGATIVITY (focused on the bad side of things) can be about:
• ourselves (S-H) & future prospects (“I’ll never be happy…..”)
• events (“That party was painful”, “This dinner is going to be dull.”)
• other people (“I’d have friends, but everyone I know is so boring.”)
• people’s actions (“He made the lamest joke”, “Wow, she’s shallow”)

• general groups (“I hate hipsters. They think they’re better than me because they listen to crappy obscure bands.”)
• larger, more abstract organizations or institutions (“My city is so shallow”, “Everyone in this company is so selfish”, “I have nothing in common with my society”)
• any form of art, by being overly critical, nitpicking, never appreciating or enjoying anything (“I couldn’t get into that movie”, “No one writes good music anymore”)

NEXT: Being Negative (Part 2)

ACoAs – Dealing with CRITICISM (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

PREVIOUS:
 Criticism (#2)

SITE:  “How to give Constructive Criticism”


Getting VALUE out of Criticism

Whatever style of communication being ‘sent’, remember you’re not responsible for what others say, but only for how you react.
Using our Adult ego state, we can have our internal feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment, confusion…. but it’s more self-esteeming if we don’t justify, over-explain, attack, or cause a scene. If we challenge the other person, it may escalate into an unnecessary & possibly damaging argument

Ultimately, if the constant criticisms are in fact judgmental, controlling, manipulative, attacking our character…. then it’s wisest to walk away, or be very brief in our response (See “Effective Responses” & “Useful, Clever responses”)

😣 Suggestion : No matter what – it’s not empowering to be defensive or try to ‘make them see’ – which comes from the WIC. (see ‘ACoAs & Anger’ post). This is especially important when dealing with family, a mate, friend or boss – IF those people are in the habit of being emotionally abusive.

However, if the person offering criticism is reasonably fair-minded & genuinely wants to be helpful, you can :
1. Think of the criticism as a ‘suggestion’ rather than a condemnation or a command. Consider what you’ve been told carefully, thinking it over & looking at it from different angles.
KEEP in MIND: If you’re having a rage or S-H reaction then it’s an old wound, so it’s best to process that first (in 2-handed writing, therapy, Program….).
ASK yourself:Self diagnosos
• is the criticism accurate & I’m ashamed of being exposed?
• is it similar to what I heard a lot growing up?
• is the ‘thing’ being criticized related to a deep need or longing in me?
• is my criticized behavior the result of my damage, or a disability (ADD, dyslexia), because of a recent trauma, a change in meds?…..

OR are you actually being misjudged & you just want to kill?  ACoAs :
• get enraged when accused wrongly –  growing up there was no justice, no one took our side or wanted to hear an explanation of our reality…. AND
• feel terrified when accuse rightly! – as kids we got severely punished, often unfairly, leaving us feeling deeply alone. Nor did we get the right info to learn what we did wrong & how to correct it!

2. With due consideration, decide what you think of the criticism
a. If you do not agree, either wholly or in part, take the time to form your reasons, based on intuition, experience & positive information. You may or may not choose to express this to your critic, depending on how important it is to your well-being or to your work, & depending on whether the person is dangerous or not – to your livelihood or health

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISMb. If you do agree, hopefully you’ll have dealt first with any negative fallout from you WIC or PigP.
No one can be perfect – it’s not human! Agreeing with the other person is not an admission of failure or worthlessness!

Double check:
• ASK yourself if there’s any reality to what I’m being told
• is the Sender simply telling me about themselves – nothing to do with me? Or are they seeing me clearer than I can see myself?
• Did the ‘sender’ provide any alternatives? Were they useful?
If you’re not sure, ask someone else – who is safe & trustworthy.

•  if there is some truth in it, am I interested in making a change?
• if they may have a point, do I have the courage to ask for more information & suggestions?
• if I don’t agree with the criticism, can I keep my ‘center’ & either not evaluatingsay anything, or just say Thanks & drop it?

IMP:  Consider how you can apply the offered suggestion to your actions or way of communicating.  Whatever you choose to change must be suited to your personality, abilities & current circumstances.
• Once you’ve made a change, note how it has helped or hindered you. Was it a good, neutral or bad outcome? How does it feel?
• If one revision didn’t work very well, don’t give up. Try others

ACoAs have a hard time knowing the difference between the + & – types. In either scenario always try to remember that you can use criticism to your advantage.

REVIEW posts:‘What to do when confused” // “Victims or not?”
“What just happened?” // “Noticing Painful Events” //
“Positive Responses to Painful Events 1-5” // “Actions – Healthy opposites”

NEXT: ACoAs Being Negative #1

ACoAs – Dealing with CRITICISM (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

being criticized

PREVIOUS:
 Criticism (#1)

SITE:  “Varieties of criticism”(Aesthetic, Moral, Practical….)

 

Managing CRITICISM
Any form of criticism challenges our thinking, behavior or skill, so it’s normal to feel uncomfortable.
When we are dealing with actual criticism we need to understand what we’re hearing : not just when feeling judged, nor when our essence is being attacked, even just a comment about / disagreement with our ideas or actions.
Is it legitimate vs. negative ‘feedback’? Are the comments constructive or destructive?

1. Are we receiving
• Hurtful criticism? This is most likely a form of thoughtlessness, not consciously meant to injure, but can nevertheless be insulting or just insensitive. It’s usually ‘perpetrated’ by garden-variety narcissists who are simply expressing their point of view, as if it’s a given that others will see the world the same way. (“That’s a stupid thing to say” // “I can’t believe you didn’t know that”…..).
They’re generally unaware of their effect on the listner’s emotions & sensitivities, since only their own feelings & ideas are real to them

• Destructive criticism? This type is a direct attack on someone, generally given with the intention to harm, belittle & destroy the other’s creationcriticism, prestige, reputation &/or self-esteem.
It’s malicious & harmful, meant to show that the person or object being attacked has no worth or validity, so no practical advice or suggestions for growth are included.
Naturally, this can do a lot of damage, & in some cases trigger verbal or physical retaliation.

While anyone is capable of this kind of attack – occasionally, & under great stress – here we’re talking about people who use this style as their main way of communicating about anything they don’t like or don’t approve of.

Generally, they’re the angry, controlling narcissists, who may or may not even notice other person’s feelings, and don’t care. They want everyone to be like them & can’t stand anything that isn’t.
Under the facade of superiority they’re deeply insecure, so bringing others down boosts their False Self, & temporarily satisfies their ego.
EXP: “You’re wrong. You’re always wrong! // You shouldn’t dance – you’ll just embarrass yourself // You have lousy taste”……

2. OR are we being offered:
• Constructive criticism? The Sender also points out ‘issues’, but without attacking the Receiver’s identity, AND may include practical advice on how something can be corrected.
That way the Receiver can choose to improve – but only if they agree with the solution AND if it suits their personality.

When using gentler language, constructive criticism aims to help the Receiver function better in the future, by kindly suggesting what to work on, & without arrogance (as in “do it my way or you’re stupid”). Therefore, it allows the Receiver to consider.

EXP: “I like your painting. Would you consider adding brighter colors?” // Your Math grades would improve if you let a tutor help // Practice keeping your back straight so you’ll feel stronger & more confident….”

HOW something is said is just as important as what. Suggestions & alternatives are offered without the Sender being manipulative, insistent, or superior – as if only they have ‘the answer’.  This usually makes it easier to accept, even if it may still hurt a little.
As a Sender:
📌 FIRST, be sure it’s appropriate to put your 2 cents in
◆ if you feel the need to tell someone a harsh truth, be sure it’s not offensive
◆ make it clear it’s your personal taste, & just your opinion – even if it’s based on first-hand knowledge or hard-won experience
◆ if you’ve tried your best to be respectful, but it’s still taken badly, then it’s not your responsibility to fix their hurt feelings or pride

As a Receiver:
a. If you get negative criticism you can say :
• “Thank you for sharing”
• “Ouch, that hurt, now say it nicely”
•  OR – just shake your head, change the subject or walk away.
Do NOT try to convince them they’re wrong, or get into a fight. It never works.  If the comment is simply not relevant to who you are – just say “Thanks for the info” or “That’s not helpful” & move on

b. If you get helpful / constructive criticism:
❥ always take it positively. Think about it, & if it applies, use it to grow. Remember that anyone willing to be careful in how they talk to you is reasonably healthy, & likely care about you as well, so take it as a sign of love or at least of goodwill .

NEXT: Criticism (Part 3)

ACoAs – Dealing with CRITICISM (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

being judgedPREVIOUS: ACoAs Being Disappointed #4

SITE: ”7 Realizations to Help You Deal with Feeling Judged”

 

DEF:
➖ Being Judged – (Usually) being told / have it implied that there’s something terribly wrong with your fundamental identity (Mother to daughter: “You’re not smart enough to become a doctor” / “You’ll be the death of me yet” …)

➖ ‘Negative’ Opinions: When someone says what they think or feel about something or someone – having nothing to do with the object or person of their criticism (I hate that hairdo / That’s being done backwards / That’s no way to….. )

➖ Being criticized – when a mistake in our behavior is pointed out – OR when our behavior or communication is disliked by the criticizer.
The critic may or may not include telling you how you ‘should’ do do/say it correctly. But it’s often done with anger, disdain, superiority – in order to control & manipulate.
In rare cases it’s done with caring & good will, if the person is healthy & you’ve agreed to learn from themcriticism styles

🟰 Given a suggestion – When we’re offered a better way of doing something – to make it easier or better for us, or our environment
EXP: “If you added an aspirin to the water, the flowers would last longer / When you travel, why not take less luggage?…”).
Done with kindness, respect & from a genuine desire to help

➕ Having Good Judgement : realistically choosing —
☆ between an objective positive or negative alternative
EXP: That fruit is spoiled, I’ll take the fresh one / The left trail is safer than the right one….)
OR
☆ between things that do or do not personally suits you
EXP: I’m allergic to sugar, so I use honey / I regularly watch comedy shows but never horror movies)

✔️ Being judged vs. legitimate criticism
★ Judgmental comments are about the essence (being) of something or someone, & is generalized to the whole category (Blue is ugly, all men are pigs….) , while —
☆ Legitimate Criticism is aimed at someone’s behavior (doing)(hitting your little sister is not OK & not allowed) or the state of something (that house is a mess, & needs a lot of repairs)

Children & wounded adults rarely make the distinction between BE-ing & DO-ing. So – it’s imperative for ACoAs to ‘hear’ whether we’re being told something about our behavior (speech or actions) vs. our identity.
Attacks on the latter is absolutely not acceptable, & healthy adults don’t stoop to this low blow anyway (usabuse vs criticismually), nor tolerate it from others

ACoAs confuse criticism with abuse
Legitimate criticism is an ‘evaluation of the merits or weaknesses of an action, choice, decision, thought process….’ , & at its best used as a method of correction.
It is NOT a de-valuation of our whole being or identity! as ACoAs feel/ believe.

We confuse or blend the two because:
a. In the past – our family almost always judged & misjudged, attacked & humiliated us. There was little or no balance provided : no praise, encouragement or patience – when we couldn’t do something the first time, or perfectly – and without guidance or when we were too young

b. Now, having absorbed the original abuse into our PigP, it has become the essence of our S-H. So any slight ‘disapproval’, or even a correction from others is taken as a personal indictment

OUR confusion, because of a Double Bind: (see D.Message)
★ on the one hand we agree with them
Any time others are not positive & supportive, S-H flares up because it mirrors what our PigP has been saying/ implying all along, AND which the WIC believes as absolute truth.

When someone points out something they consider to be our imperfections – even when it’s only their opinion or projection – we feel exposed & worthless, endlessly obsessing about what we did wrong

♦︎ on the other hand we’re resentful
We hate the person who hurt our feelings, or makes us feel disrespected…. We’re depressed or rageful, BUT on our high-horse, thinking “Who do they think they are saying that to me, judging me, ignoring me?” ….
We ruminate about what we should have said, what we will say or do to get back at them, that we’ll get them to see how wrong they were, wanting to justify ourself to them….. we go round-&-round, digging our hole even deeper, getting nowhere.

NEXT: Criticism (Part 2)

ACoAs & Being DISAPPOINTED (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

empty promises I CAN’T TRUST ANYONE – I’ve been disappointed too often

PREVIOUS: Anxiety & T.E.A. #3

QUOTES: “Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” ― Margaret Atwood

“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope & expectation.” ― Eric Hoffer

DEF: The feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure to manifest of expectations or hopes, with the focus on the outcome, rather than the poor choices one may have caused the failure – decisions / actions that got one there

• Decision Analysis studies many different topics, including Disappointment – its causes, impact & degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it.

FROM the Regret & Disappointment Scale:
“The emotion most frequently studied by decision theorists is regret, the counter-factual thoughts that create emotions – when realizing or imagining we would have had a better outcome if we’d decided differently.

Regret depends on a Choice made in the past which led to an unfulfilling action – later causing  counter-factual** thinking.
And the intensity of regret depends on – whether suitable alternatives were available (to the person at the time) but were not chosen.
**Counter-factual thinking is picturing one or more outcomes different from what actually happened. It’s when we obsessively think  ‘If only I had… What if it hadn’t….”

Psychologists & economists have been investigating the relationship between Regret & Choice since the early 1980’s. The emotion of disappointment is also based on counter-factual thinking : when we keep wishing events had turned out more to our liking.

Although regret and disappointment are different emotions, they’re both generated by comparing “What IS” reality with “What might have been”.(MORE….)

ACoAs have very intense reactions to being disappointed (D) – either with outright rage OR deep depression, depending on the strength & importance of the unfulfilled needs, and how long we were deprived of those needs.
This to be such a big issue for ACoAs, which tells us how constant & overwhelmingly abandoned in PMES ways we were as kids – first & foremost by our parents, & then by everyone else who let us down.

• We needed them to be there for us, to encourage, guide, protect, validate, mirror, love…. & they either did these things sporadically, incompetently or not at all.
Constant, endless disappointment in our caretakers (also teachers, relatives, baby sitters…) has left us with a very big wound. It’s one of many wounds – & some of us have buried it so deep, we don’t evedisapponted catn recognize it when it happens again in the present.

To be disappointed we must:
1. have a need ( + desire, wish, dream, hope….)
We may not even know we have a particular need or wish, because we were not allowed to have them, or if we did, we were told in many ways, over & over – that they were not legitimate, were selfish, were dumb….
AND must :
2. (secretly) expect that need to be met.
Since we’re still not allowed to have them, we not aware that they’re always in the background. We still have needs, just by virtue of being alive. But since they go unmet – they can never go away, like being hungry but barely eating anything if ay all – OR eating empty calories & harmful foods / chemicals…..
For many of us, the greater a specific need, the more desperate we become – waiting for someone else to do something for us we should be doing for ourselves or can learn how to
and must :
3. not get that need met : We can track deprivation of need, hopes, wishes….  by the intensity of our reactions when we don’t get something we (unconsciously) longed for, actually asked for or tried to get in some indirect way.

❥ HUMOR from Grant Snider

 

NEXT: ACoAs & Disappointment – Part 2

ACoAs – ANXIETY & T.E.A. (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

OUR NEEDS
IT’S ALWAYS WISE to pay attention to my needs!

PREVIOUS: T.E.A. & anxiety (#2)

SITEs:
• T.E.A. charts from GOOD MEDICINE˜ Dr. James Hawkins

• What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)? – Using T.E.A.
2. ANXIETY (cont)
⚑ ⚑ TOXIC anxiety //  💚 GROWTH anxiety

🔔 AWARENESS
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s (CBT) basic messages :
◆ What we think and do affects the way we feel
◆ Our best effort to cope with our emotions sometimes ends in uncomfortable outcomes which keeps us from feeling better
◆ We can better understand problems by examining our Thoughts, Emotions, physical sensations & Actions in specific situations, all interacting in a ‘hot cross bun’ formation.

a. NEGATIVE BELIEFS create painful emotions. Just as we may sometimes be hungry or thirsty for food or drink that in fact isn’t good for us, so emotions are not always indicators of current reality. It’s important to notice when an intense emotion is healthy energy, vs. when it wants to push us in a distorted or unsafe direction.

Unfortunately for most of us, we didn’t always get the right responses to our original needs.  Our family, schools, religion  & other important early influences rarely were respectful of nor encouraged our normal drive to satisfy healthy needs.  It’s inevitably then that we try to make sense of why they didn’t.

As children, we had very limited information about the world, & expected that the adults would know better & more than us.
If we got into conflict or other unsatisfying interactions with adults, our normal child narcissism assumed we were at fault – not them. This is especially true because many of them actually told us we were wrong & the problem, which we had no choice but to believe.
We assumed that : “It must be because I’m are unlovable, untrustworthy, not good enough – that I’m treated this way.”

✦ For many of us, we bring into adulthood the original trauma which lead to —-> a great deal of suffering, which led to —-> the toxic beliefs, which inevitably lead to —-> problems in relationships & general functioning in the present

b. UNHEALTHY ACTIONS are created by toxic beliefs
This chart highlights how dysfunctional Behavior patterns develop from unmet Needs & toxic Beliefs – given what we were living thru, & may even have served us well for survival.
But as adults they definitely do not work in the larger world (outside of family), which we can see now having gathered  more info & experience.

c. Mental/ Emotional Health is based on providing personal & universal human NEEDS & RIGHTS
Children need security, stability, feeling valued, encouraged, loved & trusted – in order to build self-esteem & independence. And these needs continue into adulthood for everyone, although ACoAs are still not allowed to fulfill them.

The drive to fulfill needs shows up in basic adaptive feelings & emotions that push us towards psychological health, just as hunger or thirst push to satisfying basic physical health.
It’s imperative that we allow ourselves to acknowledge & work on providing them. See “Needs” on tree above.
(Charts & MORE info)

NEXT: Being Disappointed (#1)

ACoAs – ANXIETY & T.E.A. (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

HOW AWARE AM I about my painful emotions?

PREVIOUS: T.E..A. & Anxiety (#1)

SITEs: Anxiety Fingerprint (Tool 3)
• Consciousness & Emotions & the brain

BOOK: Freedom From Body Memory : Awaken the Courage to Let Go of the Past….. “a person can accumulate years, even a lifetime of stress in their body from past experiences….”

1. T.E.A defined (Part 1)

2. ANXIETY (cont)
⚑ UNDER: For those of us who try to skate past our anxiety when something sets it off – we’re deeply shocked, overwhelmed, can’t cope, think we’re losing our mind…… And if we unexpectedly get too flooded, without a healthy way to resolve it, it can trigger an anxiety attack, which is very scary & physically painful

ACoAs will do almost anything to avoid feeling our emotions – especially fear. ‘Coping’ styles (escapes):coping styles
• keep so busy you can’t feel it (or much of anything else)
• withdraw, isolate from people, refuse help or comfort
• find other ways to escape (internet, tv, sleeping……)
• stay angry so you don’t feel scared
• blame everyone / everything else

⚑ OVER: And then there are those of us who are drowning in anxiety – for days, months, years or as far back as we can remember – as our constant daily companion. We don’t know what to do about it, don’t know the source & have never learned how. It’s one reason why some ACoAs actively try suicide – even though few achieve it directly.

Reactions:
• obsess over that you did wrong when upset or disappointed
• search for answers outside of yourself to fix your problems
• use various categories of addiction to numb any unpleasant Es
• dump on anyone who’ll listen : compulsively go on & on about situations & people in your life that upsets you, without any self-awareness of internal causes,
or else try to make appropriate external changes where possible.

CHICKEN or EGG
Whether anxiety (physically & emotionally painful) has been a life-long black cloud always overhead  which has effected everything you do,
OR an occasional unexpected ‘visitor’, seemingly out of nowhere –
2 important questions come to mind:
Where is it coming from? // What can I do about it?
If you’ve asked yourself these Qs, you may have just shrugged ”I don’t know”.

a. Not everyone is self-reflective. Most people go thru life ignoring or using the list above as defense mechanisms to sidestep emotional pain. They’re just baffled & stay that way.

b. Some see a connection between an event (action) & anxiety, but don’t know what it is, & attribute it to something that shows our imperfection :
√ making a mistake, forgetting something, being late, saying the wrong thing, losing something valuable (even temporarily), making  a fool of ourselves, failing at some effort…..

More often it’s something or someone outside of ourselves that makes us anxious :
√ waiting for an important phone call, being called into the boss’s office, a break up, anticipating an attack or punishment, the death of a family member, someone important turning against us, being verbally attacked or accused wrongly, caught in a character defect …..

c. Emotionally oriented ACoAs feel the anxiety intensely, but will only ‘hear’ obsessive thoughts – “spinning” – & assume it’s a way to explain the emotional distress, after the fact. (Suggestion: Enneagram 2, 4, 6 types, & anyone with a lot Water signs in their Astro natal chart – Scorpio, Cancer & Pisces)

Sensitive /emotional ACoAs may assume that a stressful situation is what generates anxiety, CAUSING the spinning (obsessive thoughts) – as a way of explaining the emotional upset to ourselves. (Posts: “What just happened?“)
We may use this kind of endless ruminating:
• to beat ourselves up, taking on all the blame for a situation
• to identify how bad/ weak/ inadequate… we’re convinced we truly are & in what way
• to figure out how to fix it, but from a narcissistic perspective (“It’s all about me!”), via people-pleasing, groveling, hiding out, being belligerent…. depending on our personal defensive style.

HOWEVER – the reality of our internal process is the reverse : our harmful THINKING CAUSES our anxiety!

NEXT: T.E.A. & Anxiety (Part 3)

ACoAs – ANXIETY & T.E.A. (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

T.E.A. chart

PREVIOUS: Fear of Responsibility (#5)

 

 

1. T.E.A.  = Thoughts, Emotions, Actions.
⚠️ Most people are not taught to distinguish between these 3 modalities. This causes much confusion in how we express ourselves, creating a great deal of mis-communication in relationships. While the 3 categories interact, they’re not the same parts of us.

The most important thing to remember is that Thoughts & Actions can be changed &/or modified, but emotions just are. It is not healthy nor legitimate to suppress emotions, while it is necessary & appropriate to choose what we say & do to express them (the words & actions), depending on the situation we’re in.

THOUGHTs – always made up of a string of words.
thinking mindAll of us have running dialogues in our head much of the day, on the surface of our awareness, such as:
• planning what we‘re going to do or ‘should’ be doing

• reviewing what’s happened to us or what we did (pleasant or not)
• ‘dreaming’, wishing, imagining, designing projects……
• worrying, obsessing – often about things we can’t control

• ranting to ourselves about people who hurt us & things we hate
• thinking about things we’ve seen or read
• planning things we want to say, either personal or for work……
AS WELL AS:
• what we’re thinking about under the surface, that’s out of our direct awareness. Some thoughts are deeply hidden, others accessible if we pay attention. This is what sitting quietly in ‘meditation’ is for – to hear the chatter in our head.
(Post: “Using Think instead of Feel“)

EMOTIONs – see extensive posts
These are always ONE WORD things – happy, sad, angry, amused, lonely, scared, pleased, sexy, excited……(NOTE: if you say “I feel” immediately followed by a sentence – it’s not an emotion, but rather a thought – a string of words. EXP: “I feel like going for a walk”)

Posts: Getting to Emotions – Under & Over // ACoA Emotions re Painful Events // ACoAs – accepting & accessing Es // What is Emotional Abuse? // Over-controlling ourselves

ACTIONs – Any activity we DO, as well as things we DON’T do, that are helpful or harmful to oursef & others

📌 An extension of this category – our behavior – is used as a defense mechanism, called “Acting out”, which can be defined as –
• Any compulsive (temporarily out of conscious control) ↵
• action or non-action, which is ↵
• a way to externally express or demonstrate ↵
• painful emotions we’re not aware of at all (ongoing repression), or not experiencing at the time about a particular situation we’re in or that we anticipate happening

EXP: ♟ being late for OR blanking out on an appointment we didn’t realize is making us anxious
♟ starting an argument (T) at the end of a nice evening, weekend (just before leaving the person or group)…. rather than feel the familiar old abandoned pain (E) at the separation, no matter how temporary!

Posts : Actions: Healthy opposites // Noticing painful events // Negative reactions to painful events // Positive responses
💚
2. ANXIETY
 All ACoAs are fear-based, whether our preferred defensive sty
le is to be :
• phobic (fearful, passive, victim, timid, worried, overwhelmed) OR
• counter-phobic (don’t consciously feel scared, & then keep anxietydoing dangerous things to ‘prove it’). This is a reaction to suppressed emotions accumulated from our abusive background or any other traumatic events in our life

❥ When was the last time you were struck by anxiety?
❥ How long did it last? What caused it?
❥ What did you do about it?
❥ OR is it with you all the time? & how do you cope?

Given our painful, chaotic, abusive early years – with very little comfort, explanations or guidance – we carry with us an enormous backlog of fear. This pile-up gets covered over & redirected, so we barely realize it’s there.
Once we’ve cut ourselves off from knowing the source of our fear, in many cases what we’re left with is anxiety – that free-floating painful flutter or tightness in our gut we don’t connect with anything in particular.

NEXT: T.E.A. & Anxiety (Part 2)

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help ,

DREAMTAKING RESPONSIBILITY –  WITHOUT SELF-HATE greatly empowers me!

PREVIOUS:
Fear of Responsibility (FoR) #3a

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS – GROWTH (cont)
🔆 Steps 4, 5, 9  (in #3a)

🔆 Step 10 – in AA, Al-Anon…. “Continued to take personal inventory, & when we were wrong, promptly admitted it

☑️ Comment on Step 10 (re. mindfulness)
 This is often misused by ACoAs in the service of perpetuating our self-hate – seeing everything we do as wrong (sorry, sorry, sorry!), which is NOT what it says. Rather: “… and, when we were wrong…” which is not all of the time. (Posts on Step 10)

Because we don’t believe we have any positive, valuable characteristics, we’re constantly barraged by Bad Parent attacks. This is extremely stressful, & for some of us the pressure if so great that we end up spewing it out everywhere we go – constantly telling ALL our flaws, failures, trauma & problems – in great detail. We think it’s being honest & responsible. NOT. screen-shot-2015-07-15-at-10-09-17-pm

This compulsion is actually:
• SELF-HATE, which says: I’m so bad, worthless, unlovable & a f–k up, that I can never do anything right, AND I have to let everyone know that I know, so they don’t think I have an arrogant bone in my body

• LACK of BOUNDARIES – no sense of what’s appropriate about who, what, where & how to over-disclose our wounds. One woman at a Recovery Conference when meeting a friend of a friend – said all in one breath: ”Hi, I’m Mary, I was raped!”

• FEAR OF ABANDONMENT – ACoAs’ default position is that: “I will get abandoned by everyone, sooner or later anyway – so why not get it over with before I get too attached.
I’ll tell them what a mess I am so they won’t be shocked & disgusted later when they get to know me. That’s when they’ll dump me  – when I’m already involved – which will be unbearable”

✦ DOUBLE BIND (D-B) #1boy-sad-clipart-clip-art-clipart
• Our family made it clear they were not going to provide much of the PMES things every child needs. From that we concluded we didn’t deserve to have them anyway, we accepted this lack at a very deep level.
AND yet —
• Our needs never seem to go away, no matter how hard we try to ignore them, still longing to be taken care of anyway. Since we were on our own as kids, trying to get by as best as we could without knowledge or nurturing, & we still are. So we sneakily try to extract a little of those pesky need from the world – but usually in self-destructive ways.

✦ D-B #2
Long ago we gave up hope of ever succeeding at what we were ‘born to be/do”, so now we never go for the brass ring. ACoAs are ‘famous’ for being great at what we like to do the least, since it’s not a threat to our core Self. We think that if we fail at something we don’t care about it won’t matter as much!
⚠️ Andneeds if we dare reach for the sky & actually achieve some success >> at best we assume we’re frauds, & << at worst we find ways to sabotage it

AND at the same time —
— we keep trying to do & be what they said they wanted of us, or what we thought they meant – so we can finally get it right – to get their acceptance & approval!
We keep hoping someday all our effort will pay off, assuming it’s totally up to us to fix, so we bend ourselves into a pretzel – anything to deny our family’s disregard & abuse

✦ D-B #3a
Our family bullied us into emotionally & physically ‘taking care’ of them, insisting when we were children that we act as fully competent adults – for them (as arbitrator, lawyer, doctor/ nurse/ psychologist, housekeeper, babysitter…..)
AND yet —
— any attempt we made to use those same skills for ourselves were continually belittled, discouraged, made fun of, punished, under-cut…..

#3b – As a result of 3a:
We have to – at least – try to get other people to take care of us, because we truly believe we don’t know how DB #3
AND yet —
— we do take care of others, actually exhibiting amazing skills & talent we never use for ourselves, still thinking we’re incompetent!

✦ D-B #4
We are angry at having to be responsible for others, still protecting the abusers in our life
AND yet —
— if we don’t keep up our co-dependent dance with everyone (be over-responsible), we’re convinced we’ll never be able to get our needs met (as reward)  (MORE…. re. DBs)

NEXT: Healthy Responsibility

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

World-on-ShouldersOWNING MY T.E.A.s : even if my buttons get pushed, I’m responsible for my reactions

PREVIOUS
: Being responsible #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS – GROWTH

As a guide to personal growth, the 12 Steps of AA are all about taking personal responsibility. They include:
🔆 Step 4: Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves
🔆 Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves & to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
🔆 Step 9: Made direct amends to such people (we had harmed) whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
🔆 Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, & when we were wrong, promptly admitted it

NOTE: However, it’s very common for addicts & co-dependents to not understand or to misuse the 12 Steps, especially in early Recovery.

☑️ Comment on Step 4 (re. ourself)
ACoAs find it very difficult, sometimes even for years into Recovery, to sit quietly & write this out. WE:
• don’t know what character defect are nor which ones we’re actually guilty of , since they’re so much a part of the fabric of our life. “Does a fish know it’s wet?”
• have so much S-H & shame that it’s too painful to admit anything, even though we think we’re guilty even when we’re not
❣️ Sadly – we don’t realize that inventories are supposed to include all our personal gifts, skills, talents….

☑️ Comments on Step 5 (re. hiding from everyone)
• Because of the WIC’s shame, it’s painful to share our defects with others. We’re so used to being chastised or made fun of, that doing this Step feels emotionally dangerous
• So many of us have a distorted view of ‘God as we understand Him/Her’, because as John rejct helpBradshaw reminds us:
“Before the age of 7 we deify our parents. After that we parentalize our deity.”

⛔ So if we make our Higher Power in the image of our abusive, neglectful parents, we can not avail ourselves of spiritual Source as a safe haven of help & comfort

• If we look up at the sky & only see our dangerous, neglectful mother’s or father’s face, it obscures the Loving Being who is waiting to connect with us & heal our fear & sorrow

Our WIC needs to be given a corrected view of HP. This comes first by developing the Loving Parent toward ourself that we never had – our responsibility to learn with appropriate guidance – & then we can have a more accurate vision of who the HP really is

☑️ Comment on Step 9 (re. TMI: Over-disclosing)
Making amends is a very important part of relieving guilt & shame – when done in the right way, in the right environment – “You’re only as sick as your secrets”.
However, ACoAs with weak boundaries & driven by the WIC’s anxiety, will either not ‘admit’ anything, or admit willy-nilly.

😳 A vital & much neglected part is at the end of this Step : ‘’…except when to do so…”  Sometimes telling an aggrieved person what we’ve done or said is not a responsible action, & will only do everyone harm.

EXP: A wounded ACoA loves his wife & kids, & doesn’t want to lose them, but is nevertheless unfaithful (incest-survivor).  He’s filled with guilt, & tries to stop, but doesn’t. He wants to tell his wife, but knows if he does, she’ll leave.
a. Unhealthy reasons to tell her would be:
• temporarily relieve anxiety about ‘being bad’, so he doesn’t have to deal with his emotional painscreen-shot-2015-08-14-at-7-58-16-am
• have a fantasy hope that she’ll forgive & let him stay (so he can then ‘get away with it’ AND be absolved)

• the need to be punished, no matter the consequences to everyone (he doesn’t really deserve to be part of a loving family)
• a wish for his wife to be his watch-dog (use her as the controlling mother) – because he doesn’t really want to stop acting out, but may do so to be the ‘good boy’, or maybe keep acting out as a form of rebellion

b. Healthy (obvious): Stop all forms of cheating & work on his damage

NEXT: Fear of responsibility (Part 3b)