alcoholism

DEALING with P-As: re. Us (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

IF I KEEP MY WITS
I won’t get sucked in

PREVIOUS:
Dealing w/ P-As #1

SITE: Anger & Stress management audio C.Disks, Inner Child tapes….

 

FOR US  — the Receivers (R) of passive-aggressive (P-A) words & non-actions, in our personal life or at work
The obvious first step is to learn about Passive-Aggressive patterns of communication & behavior. Interaction with one’s own P-A child, spouse, parent or friend will need to be a bit different than what we can do & say when dealing with someone at work. But the fundamentals are the same.

T.E.A: Before we can take action (As) in dealing with a P-A, we need to be as prepared as possible. That starts with our ability to manage ourselves, both in our thinking (Ts) & our emotions (Es).  As the previous posts outline, here we’re mainly looking at dyed-in-the-wool P-As – rather than occasional P-A behavior we all use when direct expression of displeasure & anger are not wise (work) or safe (home).

Identify P-A for what it is: HOSTILITY
Remember –  if you have to ask a person to do something (legitimate) more than twice, you’re dealing with passive-aggressiveness. You’re getting the indirect message:”No I won’t, & you can’t make me!” Review P-A characteristics.

Don’t be fooled by the innocuous, sugar-coated presentation of an experienced P-A. Once you recognize it’s a sign of hostility, it can give you the courage & confidence to stand up to it. The biggest mistake ‘receivers’ make is to be lenient. It’s a power struggle, so once you give in to P-A behavior, you lose your personal power & your options.

IMPERATIVE:  Vulnerability in any area of your life is an invitation for the P-A nearby to harm you where it hurts the most – as you’ve probably already experienced. So – eliminate them as a source of psychological or financial support as soon as you can, & exclude any you become aware of in future before getting tangled up.

When you don’t have a choice (at least for the present)
a. If it’s someone at school, work, neighborhood, church, or other group – give them as little info about you & your life as you can – right from the beginning, & that includes good things! which they can easily envy (tell no great successes, feelings, problems, deep beliefs, family issues, personal weaknesses….).

P-As like to ask all kinds of personal questions, which seem innocent & concerned, like they’re really interested in you. But they’re very good at remembering what they hear, even little things you mention in passing, & will find ways to use it against you later. SO – if you can’t avoid answering, keep it brief & vague, said friendly or straight-faced

b. When it’s people who know you well, it’s much harder to detach. Changing your part in the Perpetrator-Victim ‘game’ has to be done slowly & carefully. You will likely feel a measure of fear, but if you keep going, you’ll find it’s empowering.
It’s best to do it piece-meal – tell them less & less about things that matter to you AND/OR things they have turned against you before – a little at a time until you’re out of the toxic symbiosis

Don’t take the bait
There’s a difference between actively dealing with P-A comments & behavior (via our Adult) vs. getting sucked into the emotional chaos they can create (by our WIC). For exp, when a P-A is sarcastic, only respond to the words, not the tone.
It’s imperative to stop yourself from doing their psych work for them by asking Qs like “Why did you say that? or What does that really mean?”
These might get you a shrug & an “I don’t know”, or start an argument – but not the truth. It’s a way of enabling them to not be responsible for their feelings.
So if they were to say “Thanks a lot!”, you can just respond with “You’re welcome” – either with a smile, or in a neutral voice, which can make their brain go ‘TILT’.

Don’t take it personally
 P-As revel in painting their world – & yours – with negativity, with a misery-loves-company attitude, & they’ll bond with you in their misery – if you let them. You’re either just the most convenient person to dump their resentments on, or you’ve chosen to be with them because of your own corresponding damage.

As stated in other posts – the P-A’s anger comes from their own upbringing – & later from living with too much injustice & powerlessness – so it can not possibly be your responsibility. You do NOT have the power to fix their pain, only they can do that. What you do have power over is protecting your own hide, & cultivating your sources of serenity & enjoyment.

NEXT: Dealing with P-As  #3

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

WHAT A CONCEPT : Honest doesn’t mean hostile.
Pleasant doesn’t mean passive!

PREVIOUS: P-A ACoAs (# 2)

SITEs:” Emotionally Volatile People”
• “Difficult People & how to Handle Them”

REVIEW (cont)
1.The GAME // 2. WHO plays the game

3. CAUSEs of the game
ACoAs ; from our family, school, religion…. we were NOT allowed :
• to be angry, to the point of not even knowing we are!
• to know what we wanted, how we felt, what we preferred (being too much of an individual got smashed – so it left us confused)
• to ask for anything (don’t bother them)
AND
• were taught to never put ourselves first
• always had to always be perfect (no mistakes) – so better not choose anything
• no matter what we did, we were punished, so we couldn’t win
• safer to not be too visible (in a dangerous family, & later in abusive relationships)
• taking any risk was discouraged, made fun of, punished (so now we can’t risk ‘failing’ & being disappointed)

4. EFFECTs of the game, as the P-A
a. Negative Benefits – WE DON’T have to :
• figure out who we are, what we want & need
• disobey any of the toxic family rules
• admit we’re angry, even raging, underneath
• stand up to the ‘control freaks’
• make a mistake & deal then with consequences
• AND we get to blame others when something goes wrong, & maintain the illusion of superiority

b. Negative Consequences of being P-A :
• always feel scared of disapproval & losing people (FoA)
• it increases our Self-Hate & Loneliness 
• lose out on many opportunities to grow, to be heard, to have fun
• make other people mad at us, a lot! for forcing them to carry all the responsibility & then getting blamed
• never get what we really want, unless by accident or by luck
• we are dis-empowered, lose self-esteem, stay a victim, are infantilized, stay mute, don’t risk anything

4. HEALTHY
a. General: We need TO
• identify all the ways we were hurt as kids, including the specific messages we still obey, like ‘don’t feel’ , ‘don’t talk’ (Toxic Rules)
• prevent the Wounded Inner Child from running our life BY growing a Healthy Adult & Loving Parent  (the UNIT) who can make executive decisions about how to own & fulfill our needs
• book-end with the IC, to outgrow living in the past. If done consistently, it will teach the WIC the difference between what’s possible & real in the present, vs the way it was in our dysfunctional family

b. For Passive-Aggressives – we need TO:
• keep a safe distance from anyone who is easily provoked to anger
• own our hidden resentments, anger, rage, bitterness
• learn safe ways of discharging rage, & healthy ways of expressing it to others, when needed
• practice saying what we need, want, like, prefer – to find out that nothing bad happens to us or others
• stop looking for other people to be in charge of our life, tell us what to do, make our decisions & choices

➼ Practice making ‘I’ statements every day, silently to yourself, so it gets easier & easier to say out loud:  “I want… I need… I don’t like… I’d rather…  that’s not for me… ” UNTIL it’s your new norm!

c. For Volatiles – we need to:
• accept that the rage is legitimate, but our actions are not always healthy
• find out what’s under the rag e: the reality of child abuse & neglect we lived thru, and the pain it created
• become safe enough to feel what’s underneath – grief, sadness, loneliness, hurt, sorrow, vulnerability Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 10.24.27 PM.png
• learn calming techniques (bio-feedback, prayer, poly vagal exercises, visualizations…)
• own our Inner Sadist: make friends with it, but never let it act out
• work on getting rage out in safe, appropriate places (therapy groups, 12-step programs, doing rage-work at home, drawing, writing….)

➼ Practice comforting & mentally holding the WIC, so he/she doesn’t feel so alone with all its pain.  Give yourself permission to cry – it is not a weakness – no matter what our family taught us!  Crying clears out toxins & releases pent-up emotional stress. It’s very necessary!

Realistically, while P-As can definitely work on having permission to express anger & rage, it’s usually up to the V. to STOP the game, stop reacting to / expecting (anything) from the P-A. Maybe even having to leave!

NEXT: Qs – Are you P-A?

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

 

I’M NOT ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY
– but you are (lucky you)!

PREVIOUS: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs (#1)

SITE: “When your Defenses lead you into trouble“

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


REVIEW – (cont)
1.The GAME

2. WHO plays the game (Chart – slide #7)
a. P-As always look for & often find another person who is overtly angry / volatile* (V.) to play the game with – no fun being stuck with all that UN-expressed rage alone! (See: Inter-personal games, Eric Berne).

As adults, they desperately need to maintain their illusions of being perfect, in the faint hope of getting or keeping their parents’ approval, being taught that strong emotions are considered dirty, messy, dangerous – even murderous! Being P-A is another unsuccessful way of denying intense fear of abandonment

b. ✶ Volatiles need P-As (for their part, or the game wouldn’t work) :
• it gives them an excuse for letting out some of their rage ‘legitimately’
• it’s much safer than aiming the rage at the real target – their family
• the rage makes them feel powerful, to cover vulnerability & emptiness
• both Vs & P-As are addicted to finding someone they can act out their childhood ‘story’ with. Vs are used to being disappointed, too, & P-As do continually disappoint! It’s their trade-mark, & it can be used to identify them.
• sooner or later, usually later, it’s inevitable that Vs get angry, raging, even nasty at P-As – out of legitimate, intense, longstanding frustration at the P-As’ tactics!  Of course: Vs have to stick around for this! They’re part of the game.

DIRTY POOL – P-As unconsciously, sometimes knowingly, will find & use ‘available’ Volatiles as their own personal pressure valve – as if getting the V. to explode with rage would relieve their own pent-up hostility. When Vs get angry, P-As get very self-righteous. They feel victimized & cry: “I haven’t DONE anything!  Why are you attacking me?
SO THEY CAN
• Accuse Vs of being controlling, even though they set the V. up TO:
— take care of them emotionally & practically
— vent their anger/rage for them
— make all the decisions in the relationship!
— use the V a substitute for the original harmful parent

• Make Vs the crazy or bad one (instead of themself), of being abusive & unfair, of reacting to ‘nothing’. That way the Vs can be ‘the monster’ for pouring out that vile stuff (anger) which P-As are terrified in themself.
They can continue to feel superior & ‘clean’, keeping their ‘good-child’ status. After all, P-As can point to being easy-going, never raising their voice or letting out that ‘nasty‘ anger – right?
➼ BUT that is exactly the point – they don’t DO many things that are their responsibility.  P-As make other people responsible for decisions they should be making themself, (even if they like the ones being made for them). They neglect to ‘show up’, hold up their end, be an equal partner or peer – ie. an adult. P-As stubbornly – yes angrily – demand to be rescued, never not expressing their needs / wants.

• THEN, if /when something goes wrong – when they don’t like the choices the V. made for them, or are disappointed with the outcome – they can blame the other person & continue to play the victim.

• AND P-As can say to the other person: “YOU’RE so controlling!” (& unspoken: “I hate you”). Wow! How dishonest.
✶ BUT if the V. stops playing the game, the P-A may finally tip their hand – if only briefly – showing the true rage behind their mask

EXP: Mark (P-A) & Sandy (V.) meet at a classical concert & become art-loving, theater-going friends. Mark regularly says self-deprecating things that are clever & funny, & Sandy obliges by laughing.
After a few months Sandy becomes increasingly uncomfortable with her complicity in Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 12.04.49 AMMark’s self-hate. The next time he makes a crack about himself – she doesn’t laugh & is quiet. He gets annoyed & indirectly insults her for not responding ‘correctly’.

Later he buys her a B/day gift which deeply offends her artistic & Christian values – an ugly-made goddess statue – knowing her religious background! She can’t imagine his intention – but is outraged. She instantly blows up at him & gives the gift back. Naturally he’s shocked & insulted. After all – it was well-meaning. Instead he mails her a self-righteous note, asking “Is that any way for a Christian to act?”.  End of friendship! Sandy feels ashamed for blowing up but also relieved to get away.

NEXT: Passive-Aggressive ACoAs, (Part 3)

Passive Aggressives – Review for ACoAs (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,


YOU’LL NEVER SEE HOW ANGRY I AM –
I barely know, myself!

PREVIOUS: P-A ‘nice’ comments

SITE: Constructive, Passive & Aggressive Leadership styles

 


REVIEW
1.The GAME (Post: How its played)
a. DEF : Passive-Aggressive ‘Personality Disorder’ (PAPD)
A 2-handed ‘game’ which always requires the Passive-Aggressive (P-As) person & the Volatile (Vs) one to react (in ‘Games People Play’ – audio – by Eric Berne)

✰ web-MD …. apparently compliant behavior, with intrinsic obstructive or stubborn qualities, to cover deeply felt aggressive feelings that cannot be more directly expressed….

✰ Wikipedia ….. a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes & passive, usually disavowed resistance … expressed as learned helplessness, procrastination, resentment, stubbornness, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible….

✰ DSM VI …. the behavior often reflects an unexpressed hostility or resentment stemming from a frustrating interpersonal or institutional relationship on which an individual is overly dependent

✰ The Straight Dope …. people who suffer from PAPD expect disappointment, and gain a sense of control over their lives by bringing it about.Screen Shot 2016-06-14 at 11.09.50 PM.png

b. ACoAs: MANY of us grew up in one of 2 emotional climates :
✶ emotionally volatile – being around loud, hyper, dramatic, raging parents / relatives – which has made some ACoAs emotionally gun-shy. We had to sit on our own anger – there was so much flying around, and we didn’t want to be like them, so we shoved our rage into a huge locked room & tried to throw away the key. But now it comes out sideways!

Screen Shot 2016-06-14 at 11.00.40 PM✶ emotionally repressed – the other extreme found some of us in a family of uptight, buttoned down, emotionally cut-off, perhaps P-A types, who made a point of suppressing any intense emotion in their children. They may have believed it was ‘spiritually correct’, or they just didn’t want their own repressed pain to get triggered, &y didn’t have the skill/ tools to deal with ‘big feelings’ from their kids. We either copied their style or became ‘dramatic’ & over-reactive to everything.

• Both styles have deeply effected our relationship to anger & rage.
IMP: These are normal human EMOTIONS (Es), which are just forms of energy & by themselves are not dangerous or bad.
✶✶ What to watch out for are the ACTIONS we take to express these Es! If we express them safely, we don’t hurt anyone & in fact feel lighter & can function better. If they’re expressed badly we can cause pain to others, while adding to our shame, guilt & S-H.

c. Briefly:  P-As ACoAs have a huge amount of accumulated anger & rage (from childhood, as well as in adulthood), which we’re not allowed to feel, much less admit to – in order to be the ‘good’ one. We have cultivated such a facade of ‘niceness’ we’ve fooled ourself (but not everyone).  We may be the Hero or Lost Child from any dysfunctional family –  the Rescuers, the People-pleasers, or the Invisibles. (“Toxic Roles”)

 

no, noP-As compulsively resent, oppose & thwart – indirectly – what we see as demands to function at a level others expect of us. We’re convinced that we’re still not allowed to have real power for  ourself,  afraid to admit our anger at being neglected & unloved.
We end up saying NO to our own needs & wants – and to many things that would be good for us.

So we live in a state of deprivation, expecting others to read our mind & provide what we won’t give ourself . P-As are rarely if ever able to state outright what they want & don’t want, or distinguish between actual bullying & appropriate requests.

hidden handsSuppressing our anger is a form of negative self-control, then put all the rest of our effort into trying to control other people’s actions & emotions..  In light of our self-imposed limitation, P-As are inwardly driven to push others toward our secret goals: to prove we can’t be pushed around, and to get back at anyone who’s hurt us OR their substitutes) – while seeming to not push at all. (re. controlling). It’s a way  to get our agenda across without risking negative consequences.

NEXT: P-A ACoAs – Review (Part 2)

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ COMMENTS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I HAVE LOTS OF WAYS
of being covertly angry
PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITEs: 27 Most Passive-Aggressive Things That Ever Happened
• P-A Commuter Types – (London)

** Southern P-A veiled insults 


Somethings Passive-Aggressives SAY :
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.

The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded insults instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures P-As do not get their needs met, while feeling ONE UP.
When they give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly sweetly nasty comments, they’re cresting brain fog, so most ‘recipients’ don’t catch on that they’re being messed with. 

NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but aren’t afraid to own their ‘stuff’.  So they rarely point a finger at others,, keep the focus on themself, not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate directly with ‘I‘ statements.
EXP: “I won’t be able to help you with that // This is who I am, please accept me as is….”

BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all the following statements are ‘you’ types (some implied), and none of the “I” statements are kind or supportive, nor admit personal responsibility for their feelings / opinions

THIS often leaves someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I catch them or say ‘this hurt’ – will they deny or attack?……”  What the P-A wants is for others to always be off-balance.

This list includes things said/written by any adult in any setting
• Aren’t we pretty today? = Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly
• Don’t bother! = means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• Don’t take it so personally = means that it was a very personal barb
• Fine. Whatever = sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
• How is your therapy progressing? =You don’t seem to be getting any better (maybe worse!) // you’re still such a mess, I don’t think even this will help
• I’m coming! = foot-dragging, putting off doing something they want // I’m busy!

• I didn’t know you meant now = means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway
• If you really want to = means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend = finally, since you’re not very desirable
• If you insist! = means I don’t agree //  I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
• It’s fine if you’re late, again = they feel disrespected but think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
• I didn’t do anything (wrong) = complete denial of their abuse or neglect
• I didn’t mean anything by it = means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• I h0pe it’s worth it = they’re “worried” about a choice or decision you’re making, think it’s wrong and hope you fail
• I thought you knew/ are in the loop = they had no intention of including you
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by…  = a disguised criticism
• I was only joking = sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny

• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today = boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately (although you have not been sick)
• No worries = short for Screw You
• So… (by itself) = another form of Screw you, or what’s your point? — If in a sentence : So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?…..  = the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it
• Sure, I’d be happy to = they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
• This is far too complicated for you to understand = dumb, dumb, dumb
• Thanks in advance = you’re will do what they want, without your input or consent

• You’re asking too much / just wanted everything to be perfect = they don’t want to do what you asked for, but can’t get away with putting it off, so do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations / with what you had to work with = means the P-A is jealous, but patting you on the head like a child. OR are very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you

• You decide / whatever you want = (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & then objects or criticized your choices
• You’re imagining things = means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free – got away with abuse
• You’re so intense / too emotional = P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your strong emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
• You’re too sensitive = P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility, judgement or insult
• Why are you getting so upset? = means “Ha, I got you!”
• We’re watching your progress & hoping the best for you = we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you, but want to sound supportive!.

NEXT: P-A ACoAs (Part 1)

SYMPTOMS of Passive-Aggressive Anger – in us

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

I MAKE SURE
they take care of me!

PREVIOUS: P-A characteristics, #4

SITE: LIST of more provocative behaviors (scroll down)

CHARACTERISTICS

OVERTLY hostile people live by the motto :  “To survive I must fight with anger”
Co-Dep people-pleasers think : “To survive I must placate everyone”
P-As think : “To survive I must attack everyone from behind”

COVERTLY Angry people
❥ are finely tuned to everyone else’s needs but their own
❥ spent all their time trying to read everyone’s mind so they can provide whatever someone supposedly needs, even before they know it themself
❥ hide their abandonment anger behind ‘killing you with kindness’

b. Passive-Aggressives
➤ spend a lot of time obsessing about how they’ve been wronged in ways that caused them emotional & physical pain. SO —
➤ put all their effort into making sure other people don’t get what they want – either – instead of striving for what would make themself happy.

P-A SYMPTOMS
Behavior – YOU :
• are indecisive, drag your feet to frustrate others
• are erratic & unpredictable, causing confusion, frustration & aggravation
• are accident-prone  (BOOK:”My Mother/ My Self”, Nancy Friday: constantly bumping into things, from rage)
• are inefficient on purpose, sabotaging projects in small ‘innocent’ ways
• get financially supported – use partner as your bank, never pay for anything
• ‘innocently’ make messes – anywhere, everywhere – refuse to clean up after yourself
• make a few blatant serious mistakes in otherwise meticulous work

• manipulate, like to provoke others to anger or aggressive behavior, & then patronize them, alternate between hostile defiance & contrition
• offer food, drink, a drug…. that you know the other person is allergic to or trying to quit
• often lose things, leave things behind (in subways, stores, movies….)
• refuse to ‘lend a hand’ when it would be easy for you to do
• resist doing what anyone else wants, even if you can or are interested in doing it
• stubborn, with an intense resistance to newness or any variation in an established process
• take all for yourself, throw out or give away things that belong to another – without asking permission (stealing)
• usually late, never quite committed to anything, whether work or personal

Communication – YOU :
• always need to prove you’re right in a disagreement
• blame others for making you do things you don’t want to do
• constantly complain about personal misfortunes, & exaggerate difficulties
• give a secret enemy the silent treatment, phony smiles, looking cool & unconcerned…. while stockpiling resentments
• give subtle insults (back-handed compliments) based on someone’s weaknessscreen-shot-2017-02-25-at-1-34-28-am

• keep others from accomplishing their plans, make people wait to hear from you about invitations
• like to stir up trouble, lie to make yourself look good & others look bad
• make endless promises to change, but never do
• make convoluted statements, leave important info out, have poor eye contact
• nit-pick,  continually correct others, withhold praise someone deserves, make people wait for their evaluation
• often say you’ll do something you don’t really want to, & then back out at the last minute – with lame excuses
• say others are unreasonable & unsympathetic when you don’t perform tasks up to par
• tell jokes that make others look bad or are inappropriate for the occasion or audience, disguise anger with teasing

Relationships – YOU :
• are ambivalent & indecisive, following the lead of every one else but yourself
• break a promise of confidentiality (3rd party gossip)
sneaky satisfaction• cut people off without explanation, burning bridges
• constantly on your cell when you’re with someone else (‘phubbing)
• envy & are resentful of peers who succeed or who are viewed positively by authority figures
• ‘forget’ to follow thru promises made to others
• get very real secondary pleasure out of frustrating others
• re. Infidelity – either gender – extramarital affairs or promiscuity, phone/ internet sex
• inappropriately invite or bring others along to a one-to-one dinner, event, trip…..  without warning or asking the other person ahead of time if it’s acceptable
• keep innocuous secrets from mate, prefer to lie about little things
cheating• Men –  refuse to provide your mate’s sexual desires/ needs
,  refuse to ejaculate to show you’re in control, lack of sexual interest, may resort to physical aggression

• pay more attention to other people (stranger, attractive ‘other’, an acquaintances….) that to your date/mate
• pick mates who will take care of you, allow you to manipulate
• string someone along but refuse to commit
• sulk when you don’t get your way
• talk too much about or brag about previous relationships
• prolong any annoyance or disagreement unnecessarily
• use new mate only as a replacement for previous or deceased one
• usually oppose other people’s plans – to be in control

NEXT: P-A ‘nice’ comments

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

HURT YOU? BITE YOU?
I would never-r-r!

PREVIOUS: P-A #2

SITE  P-A BEHAVIOR in Relationships

 

NOTE:  Look for their red flags, using the lists from the posts: ‘Passive-aggressive Comments‘, Symptoms of P-A anger – in us, & the set below


IN relationship with a P-A
Because neurotics (‘Givers’) take on so much responsibility, they prevent P-As (‘Takers) from having to act differently, enabling the dysfunction to continue.
Character disordered people don’t consider changing – if at all – as long no one calls them on their behavior. But for that to happen everyone they deal with would have to recognize them for what they are, & react appropriately in the moment. Otherwise, they just continue to get away with assuming they’re always right.
EXP: Many women, in divorce court, have been humiliated & financially victimized by judges favoring clever & rich pathological spouses!

In the mean time, until pigs fly, anyone dealing with P-As (& other personality disorders) on a regular basis must firmly state reasonable expectations & stand firm on necessary limits. The ball always has to be tossed back into their court. It’s their responsibility to own up to & work on their issues, so the best you can do is make them accountable.

To start with, it’s important to recognize what’s going on so you don’t think you’re crazy. You may already think you are if you grew up with at least one P-A parent, or everyone in the family – denying how hurt & angry they were, but never acknowledging, much less having dealt with it. But it’s not you!
Because of that beginning, we may have picked up the P-A habit ourself, but more often we unconsciously choose work environments & personal relationships with P-As. To change that, notice overall patterns of behavior in the people around you, monitor your emotions & never ignore gut reactions.

EXP: You are likely to feel angry, confused, or powerless – when needing to get their cooperation or trying to be heard. But since you can’t have an honest, direct conversation with a P-A person, nothing ever gets resolved.
AND if you continually, compulsively surround yourself with P-As, review your own Fear of Intimacy, because P-As keep everyone at bay. They function from the False Self, preventing emotionally intimacy – without Recovery.
If we stay around them for too long we’re guaranteed to feel abandoned – because we are.

Some ways P-As express anger in Relationships:
MILD
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
‣ Always late/leaves early. Walks out on people. Bangs doors
▸ Deliberately sloppy
▸ Procrastinates – is deliberately slow &/or puts things off
▸ Refuses to do what is reasonably expected
▸ Refuses to listen. Pretends not to hear or see

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
▸ Acts forgetful. Keeps rehashing the past
▸ Twists the truth. Manipulative
▸ Uncooperative. Withdrawn

MODERATE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
➣Acts sick or helpless. Refuses to clean oneself or the home
➣ Impulsive – fails to plan ahead. Deliberately makes mistakes
➣ Often absenteeism at work
➣ Refuses to function as a responsible parent or spouse
➣ Works markedly below ability. Refuses to work regularly.

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
➣ Always negative. Withholds support, Distances self.
➣ Deliberately avoids or ignores someone they dislike
➣ Enjoys seeing people become upset. Is divisive
➣ Refuses to be responsible. Overly stubborn
➣ Refuses to praise or compliment
➣ Won’t communicate & gives Silent Treatment

SEVERE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
❁ Deliberately fails at work. Fails to pay bills.
❁ Fails to attend to the needs of the spouse or children
❁ Neglects the home, Refuses to eat
❁ Refuses to take care of a serious health problems

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
❁ Always in victim role. Avoids intimacy
❁ Deliberately acts to be sick or makes themselves sick
❁ Doesn’t receive love. Withholds love from a spouse
❁ Makes false accusations. Con-artist
❁ Undermines children’s trust/respect for spouse or other important relatives/friends

Dealing with a P-A is always frustrating & sometimes enraging, especially when it’s your spouse. One of the many problems is that they find it much easier to say what they don’t want than what they do .
Inside the P-A is a wounded child who isn’t safe enough to voice how it really feels – from fear of punishment, rejection, sarcasm, engulfment …. Their True Self has retreated, making it hard for the P-A to say what’s bothering them, so they expect others to read their mind! & provide unspoken, even unacknowledged needs.  And if you don’t, you will be punished – no matter how indirectly.
REMEMBER – their tactics are never about us! even tho’ it does have a very great impact on our interactions with them. 

NEXT :  SYMPTOMS – in us

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

WHATEVER I CAN GET AWAY WITH is OK with me!
PREVIOUS : Passive -Aggr #2

SITE:  Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist

1. P-A CATEGORIES (Part 2)

 2. Passice-aggressive (P-A) Manipulation TACTICS
It’s very important to be clear about covert fighting in order to avoid being victimized by any character (personality) disordered manipulator – in this case the P-A. A person’s habitual style of relating is dysfunctional or disturbed if it is:
• Defective – their sense of right & wrong is strikingly weak, immature, or missing
• Inflexible – they don’t willingly soften their responses or use alternative coping strategies
• Resistant – won’t modify their way of relating, even if those are negative or have dire consequence
• Severe – this is when their natural tendencies becomes so overbearing & intense that they go way beyond what their culture considers ‘normal’. Sadly, our society actually encourages & rewards many manipulative behaviors.  (MORE….)

Neurotics have a very powerful, over-developed conscience (superego), with an intense sense of right & wrong. They often set themselves standards that are difficult – if not impossible – to meet, judging themselves harshly when they don’t feel they’ve done enough.

On the other hand, the disordered character’s conscience (little voice that guides most people to do what’s ‘right’) is severely underdeveloped & impaired, & in the worst cases, is absent altogether. This makes it easy for them to hurt people often & severely – without considering the other’s feelings.
And if they do hear that inner voice, they can easily silence it, so they don’t have a reason to “push” themselves to take responsibility. They are shallow, lack empathy & exploit, use & abuse others, often without a second thought. (Narc characteristics)

P-A ‘fighting’ style
SO – when you confront a character-impaired (P-A) person about something they’ve neglected or done wrong, they will fight dirty to divert attention from the real issue. People who either place themselves above (NPDs) or are at war with (P-As) the principles that build integrity into a person’s character (honesty, fairness, kindness, respect….), will use just about any behavior or tactic possible to manipulate. (MORE….)

They ‘sneak-fight’, doing 3 things at once:
1. Fight you for a position of advantage in your relationship (try to back you into a corner to get you to back-off or back-down)
2. Fight to maintain an undeserved positive image
3. Fight against accepting whatever action or principle they know you’d like them to accept
(EXP: that trust in relationships is based on being honest)

Unfortunately, when a P-A is tap-dancing to defend themself, as opposed to just fighting for their point of view, you’re bound to lose. This tells you the behaviors will inevitably recur, because they can’t do both at the same time – fight against a principle & accept it at the same time.  (MORE….)

The P-A CONFLICT CYCLE – see it coming & get out of the way!
Stage 1 – As they grow up, P-As come to believe that any direct expression of anger is dangerous & has to be avoided at all cost. They solve the dilemma of what to do with their anger by developing P-A behaviors

Stage 2 – A stressful situation triggers a P-A’s irrational thinking,  based on early life experiences.
EXP: A teacher asks a student to pass out a worksheet, but instead of feeling honored by being able to help, they’ll be resentful because the request triggers a family history of always being told to do things without ever being appreciated for it

Stage 3 – The P-A denies their anger, which leads to projecting it onto others, making up ‘stories’ & feeling resentful, even paranoid
Stage 4 – P-As actively display their denied anger, using one or more tactics listed in the post “Symptoms of P-A Anger – in us” 

Stage 5 – Reactions of others, which are usually negative. This is often what the P-A is hoping for, as it relieves an inner tension, & makes others the ‘bad guy’. Those reactions only reinforces the negative behavior, continuing the cycle.
The rest of the article offers ways to identify P-A behaviors & how to overcome them

NEXT: P-A ‘Nice People”‘, #4

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

AS LONG AS I CAN BE PRETEND-FRIENDLY
I can get away with a lot!

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing co-dep #4e

SITEs:• “The Angry Smile: P-A behavior….”
• Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist
•“5 of the most passive aggressive things you can do at work”


MOTIVATION for P-A behavior
Dedicated life-long Passive-aggressives (P-As) are almost identical to classic narcissists. They share the following:
• when criticized, they feel rejected, humiliated & threatened
• as a defense, they react with disdain & defiance, even taking legitimate suggestions as criticism
AND the more severe P-As share:
• blaming, controlling, easily frustrated, insistence that others see them as they wish to be seen, intolerant of others’ views, self-absorbed, unaware of others’ needs, & oblivious to the effects of their behavior on others

Passive aggression is a hostile form of communication, a twisted way of trying to protect & preserve one’s integrity, dignity, needs & convictions. It’s done at other people’s expense – and always obliquely. Persistent P-As are no pushovers. They don’t alternate between passive & aggressive behaviors, but rather combine them into one, becoming ‘anger-sneaks’ so they can get you when you’re not looking. As a rule, they’re deliberately contradictory: what they say (passive) is the opposite of they actually do (aggressive).
They may try their best to be ‘nice’, but leak constant dissatisfaction, & are both confusing & irritating to others.

P-A Communication
• Frequently interrupt & don’t listen to others
• Tone is laced with irony or sarcasm
• Use criticism, humiliation & domination
• Talk down, are patronizing, gossip, complain & sulky
• Loud voice or arrogant, OR give the Silent Treatment
• are 2-faced: sweet to your face but poisonous behind your back

Non-Verbal Communication
• Facial expression – often look sweet & innocent
• Gestures – can be jerky, quick
• Posture – often asymmetrical, stand with hand on hip, & hip thrust out
• Spatial position – often too close, even touching others,  pretending to be warm & friendly (MORE…)
• Voice – often speak with a sugary sweet voice

Co-dependent Angry-nice people have a desperate need for others to give them 100% approval 100% of the time, & will do almost anything to get it, so they never have to feel their own S-H & abandonment pain.

✔︎ Passive-aggressives also want approval & acceptance, altho they’re not likely to admit it. Instead, they live by the a silent “Forget it” rule against all demands, and the ‘Yes, but….” reply to suggestions, even when asked for.
It’s a type of  false boundary, used because they think it’s the only way to keep from being totally overrun by others.  (BOOK: “Games People Play”, Eric Berne – review by Kurt Vonnegut)

This pattern starts in childhood as a reaction to controlling, rigid & abusive parents, leaving the child with a hopeless outlook : “I have no control over my choices & feelings – whatsoever”. The more unhealthy & unfair the family’s expectations & restrictions were, the more the child resented & then resisted. And if expressions of anger were never tolerated by the adults, then the child’s:
1) resentment got turned back on the Self
2) awareness of the resentment eventually disappeared from consciousness, but then gets expressed as resistance
3) resistance becomes indiscriminate, seen now in all relationships & situations

Excellent big SITE  re.”how parents prime children for victimization….”. Includes ACoA issues & some references to ‘spiritual’ lessons & misuses

to many rukesRAGE at the abuse of power by the original unloving adults becomes the P-A’s defiant anger at all authority figures – teachers, mates, bosses, political & religious leaders……
So, when others had normal expectations of the beleaguered child, the angry-nice teen & later the angry adult refuses to be truly functional, even if they silently agree with the realistic requests, & even knowing the requirements would benefit them

5 Distinct & Increasingly Pathological LEVELS :
1. Temporary Compliance – (most common form) sounds like “I’m co-o-o-ming!”
2. Intentional Inefficiency –  carrying out a request in an unacceptable way
3. Letting a Problem Escalate – by inaction, they cause a foreseeable – & preventable – problem to happen, & take pleasure in the resulting anguish they secretly create
4. Hidden but Conscious Revenge – making a deliberate decision to get back at someone & then taking hidden actions to do it
5. Self-depreciation – (worst) going to self-destructive lengths to punish the person or group they’re in a rage at  (MORE……)

NEXT: P-A ‘Nice’ people #2

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 8b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , ,

I FEEL MUCH BETTER
when I’m forgiven

PREVIOUS: Asking forgiveness #8a

SITE: “16 Common excuses for NOT asking for forgiveness”
(apply to anyone unwilling to be accountable, + Christian references)


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 7a, b, c FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS

TOOL 8b. FORGIVEN by OTHERS (cont)
1. WHO (in 8a)

2. For WHAT: Here again ACoAs get things backwards: (see Part 1)
• Too much: we apologize, often too often, for things what are not ‘offenses’, only because our S-H, via the PP, says everything we do & ARE is bad / unacceptable.
EXP: Billy’s sponsee was always making ‘humorous’ fun of himself & he wasn’t even a comic. When Billy wouldn’t laugh at yet another clever self-putdown, the sponsee was annoyed: ‘You don’t have a sense of humor!”. Billy’s response: “Self-hate isn’t funny!”

• Too little: at the same time we hide from admitting the actual insensitive or destructive things we say & do, because of shame, guilt & FoA. Yet such negative actions make us feel bad about ourself, so we hide even more – acting like nothing ever happened, instead of cleaning up our mess whenever possible.

a. Imagined ‘character defects’ (see Part 8a).
The alcoholics & other narcissists we grew up with insisted that we gauge relationships based on what they wanted or hated – which we now project onto everyone else. We assume others will be as weak, as judgmental, as demanding, as manipulative, as needy, as controlling, as dangerous, as easily upset…. as our family (school, religion) were. So we’re always looking out for emotional traps, trying to avoid other people’s disapproval & anger.

That makes us constantly worried that we have annoyed, bothered, offended, disgusted…. everyone else. But if we were to ask a person about something we said or did that we were sure they disliked/hated – they couldn’t imagine what had us so worked up – it hadn’t registered.
And if we tried to apologize for some imagined slight (based on our mind-reading ‘talent’) & they did remember the incident but barely noticed it, they might look at us quizzically or with amusement – since to them it was no big deal!

b. Real ‘character defects’ – because of damage.
Shame is at the root of all our wounds, & asking for anything is considered shameful. So having to be humbly honest with someone we’ve hurt & then ask to be forgiven for our thoughtless or hurtful actions can be very uncomfortable, even terrifying – but only to the WIC part of us.

REMINDER – Admitting we have character flaws is NOT an indictment of our whole being. It’s not only human to be imperfect, but as ACoAs we definitely have more ‘issues’ than people raised in safer homes. All are a combination of our parents’ defects (which became our Introject), our native personality, & our response to all the abuse we suffered.

IMP: Before approaching others with your 9th Step – be very sure you will be talking to someone capable of treating you with respect. If they’re volatile or disdainful, don’t engage!

A WAY to START is to ‘lightly’ ask the person if they remember the event that you’re concerned about ? – unless you already know. Don’t make it sound dire.
1.  If they don’t remember, then drop it. If they ask why, say “I just wondered” & nothing more.😓

2. If they do recall, ask how they feel about it. Don’t put words in their mouth! NOTE : you’ll probably get a THINK answer rather Emotions. Decide which form is important to you to know, but
Don’t push.
• If they say they’re OK about the event, believe them – don’t try to mind-read their intention.
So leave it alone. Your guilt is your own – they don’t owe you absolution.

3. 😂If they express hurt, anger or disappointment, you know it’s time to apologize. Again – they don’t have to forgive!

NEXT: Passive-Aggressive Niceness – Intro-a