Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 1)

I can get away with a lot!

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing co-dep #4e

SITEs:“The Angry Smile: P-A behavior….”
Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist
5 of the most passive aggressive things you can do at work”

MOTIVATION for P-A behavior
Dedicated life-long Passive-aggressives (P-As) are almost identical to classic narcissists. They share the following:
— when criticized, they feel rejected, humiliated & threatened
— as a defense, they react with disdain & defiance, even taking legitimate suggestions as criticism
AND the more severe P-As share:
— blaming, controlling, easily frustrated, insistence that others see them as they wish to be seen, intolerant of others’ views, self-absorbed, unaware of others’ needs, & oblivious to the effects of their behavior on others

Passive aggression is a hostile form of communication, a twisted way of trying to protect & preserve one’s integrity, dignity, needs & convictions. It’s done at other people’s expense – and always obliquely. Persistent P-As are no pushovers. They don’t alternate between passive & aggressive behaviors, but rather combine them into one, becoming ‘anger-sneaks’ so they can get you when you’re not looking. As a rule, they are deliberate contradictory: what they say (passive) is the opposite of they actually do (aggressive).
They may try their best to be ‘nice’, but leak constant dissatisfaction, & are both confusing & irritating to others.

P-A Communication
• Use criticism, humiliation & domination
• Frequently interrupt & don’t listen to others
• Talk in a loud voice or arrogant way OR give the Silent Treatment
• Tone is laced with irony or sarcasm
• Often talk down, are patronizing, gossip, complain & sulky
• 2-faced: sweet to your face but poisonous behind your back

Non-Verbal Communication
• Voice – often speak with a sugary sweet voice
• Posture – often asymmetrical, stand with hand on hip, & hip thrust out
• Gestures – can be jerky, quick
• Facial expression – often look sweet & innocent
• Spatial position – often too close, even touching others,  pretending to be warm & friendly (MORE…)

• Co-dependent Angry-nice people have a desperate need for others to give them 100% approval 100% of the time, & will do almost anything to get it, so they never have to feel their own S-H & abandonment pain.

✔︎ Passive-aggressives also want approval & acceptance, altho they’re not likely to admit it. Instead, they live by the a silent “Forget it” rule against all demands, and the ‘Yes, but….” reply to suggestions, even when asked for. It’s a type of  false boundary, used because they think it’s the only way to keep from being totally overrun by others.  (BOOK: “Games People Play”, Eric Berne review by Kurt Vonnegut)

This starts in childhood as a reaction to controlling, rigid & abusive parents, leaving the child with a hopeless outlook : “I have no control over my choices & feelings – whatsoever”. The more unhealthy & unfair the family’s expectations & restrictions were, the more the child resented & then resisted. And if expressions of anger were never tolerated by the adults, then the child’s:
1) resentment got turned back on the Self
2) awareness of the resentment eventually disappeared from consciousness, but then gets expressed as resistance
3) resistance becomes indiscriminate, seen now in all relationships

Excellent big SITE  re.”how parents prime children for victimization….”. Includes ACoA issues & some references to ‘spiritual’ lessons & misuses

RAGE at the abuse of to many rukespower by the original unloving adults becomes defiant anger at all authority figures – teachers, mates, bosses, political & religious leaders…… So, when others had normal expectations of the beleaguered child, the angry-nice teen & later the angry adult refuses, even if they silently agree with the realistic requests, a need to be functional, & even knowing the requirements would benefit them

5 Distinct & Increasingly Pathological LEVELS :
1. Temporary Compliance – (most common form) sounds like “I’m co-o-o-ming!”
2. Intentional Inefficiency –  carrying out a request in an unacceptable way
3. Letting a Problem Escalate – by inaction, they cause a foreseeable – & preventable – problem to happen, & take pleasure in the resulting anguish they secretly created
4. Hidden but Conscious Revenge – making a deliberate decision to get back at someone & then taking hidden actions to do it
5. Self-depreciation – (worst) going to self-destructive lengths to punish the person or group they’re in a rage at  (MORE……)

NEXT: P-A ‘Nice’ people #2

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