I NEED TO RECONSIDER what I thought was true

PREVIOUS: A. Categories #14

SITE: many poems @ ‘Anger‘

QUOTEs:  “Never give away your self-control to someone who isn’t yourself.”

ANGER
⚡️ is good
TRUE: Anger has a variety of positive uses. It can energize, help us get things done, cope with stress, promote self-esteem, & defend against inner fear & insecurity, and be a protection against abuse.
Like all other emotions, it is God-given/inborn, to warns us of real or perceived threats to ourself OR a loved one – an early warning detection system that tells us we need to change an undesirable / unsafe situation
💠
⚡️ is abnormal
False: Everyone experiences anger. We can see it in tiny babies, especially when frustrated, as they screw up their face & shake their tight little fists. It’s one of a wide range of emotions we need in order to communicate what we like and don’t like

⚡️ is not a “real” emotion
False: Some psychologists say that anger is a “counterfeit emotion.” While anger can be considered ‘secondary’ because it’s often triggered by others such as anxiety, embarrassment, fear, guilt, jealousy, shame….  – yet it is a separate emotion, since it’s possible to experience any of these other emotions without getting angry

⚡️is taken too seriously!
False: The Venter / Spewer type thinks & often says that other people should understand they didn’t mean what they said in the ‘heat of the moment’.
However – many times they did mean exactly what they said, but needed the fuel of anger to let it out, even if exaggerated. AND – regardless of the rager’s intention – they do cause actual hurt, embarrassment, humiliation & fear.
ANGER
⚡️and love just don’t mix
False: They are 2 sides of the same coin. We usually don’t have strong emotional reactions to PPT we don’t care much or at all about. The more we love or need someone or something the more easily we can be disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, aggravated… by it/them, because we want so much from them. This can trigger anger when they push our buttons

⚡️‘disappears’ in Spiritual &/or Mentally Healthy people
False: The capacity to feel anger (E = emotion) is built in to the brain, wired to react to danger by flooding us with chemicals that push us to protect ourself & our loved ones.
Smart people pay attention to what sets them off (T = mental evaluation)

Healthy people choose to express anger in constructive ways (A = actions). Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr…. felt & expressed their anger, but turned it into social reform that made the world a better place.  (Post: “Righteous anger”)

⚡️ is caused by other people
False: While others are responsible for what they do or say to us – our emotional reaction is on us (anger, fear, shock / amusement, pleasure, indifference….).
As adults – no one can make us ‘feel’. Our brain generates emotions & so we can choose how we think about an event, which can influence our emotions & how we act (T.E.A.)
EXP: we might choose to ignore ridicule, not feel hopeless when disappointed, not hurt when disrespected…. We don’t have to get mad!
ANGER
⚡️has to be ‘held in’ in order to control ourself 
False: First of all – what one needs to ‘control’ is behavior & thoughts – not emotions. The purpose of Anger Management training is not to make us sit on our anger, but to provide successful ways of dealing with it – which includes changing our abusive self-talk!

First we have to learn to recognize when we’re angry (T), & have permission to feel it (E) without hurting ourselves or others. Then we can change our behavior (A)  (See post: “Passive anger“)

⚡️is stronger in men than women
False: Based on surveys, both genders have the same capacity & frequency (about once or twice a week), but men report more intense anger, & are more likely to act on it.
Girls/women tend to hold on to angry feelings longer. So the only real difference is how each expresses this emotion, which is based very much on socially conditioning.

NEXT: Anger Myths – FALSE (Part 2)

WHAT YOU LOOK’N AT? you look’n at me?

PREVIOUS: A. Categories (#8)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SITE: Depression & Anger

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️HATING anger
This is the cold fire that started as accumulated anger toward someone or something which the hater feels is totally evil & totally undeserving of compassion or forgiveness.
They still see themself as an innocent victim. Yes, there may have been a time when they were – but may not be any more. Their rage has never been processed & resolved, & in the form of obsessive resentments, it can go on forever. They vow to despise the offenders, often thinking about ways to punish them, & sometimes they do.

If these ragers can’t get back at the original perpetrator(s), they find other opportunities in life to vent their bitterness. They create a universe of enemies to fight, attacking with great vigor & enthusiasm.
However, this hatred causes themself serious damage over time – just as much as harming others. Haters can’t let go or get on with life. They become hard & miserable, stuck in a narrow, rigid existence.

▪️JUDGMENTAL anger
Being judgmental of others is a way of saying that WHO someone is – is bad, instead of evaluating their behavior as good or bad OR as not suited to oneself
Being constantly judgmental indicates being closed minded, with a lack of respect, empathy & good manners ‘Judgy’ people find fault with almost everything & everyone, from the government to the color of a car.
Actually, they’re angry & resentful about their own life, which they project out onto the world.
Instead of correcting problems of their own, hurting others is used as a way of making themself feel better, by directing critical, shaming or scathing comments at the object of their anger, or at any available substitute.

🔺 Being judgmental is very different from making good judgments—> which is realistically evaluating the merits of something (safe/ unsafe, positive/ negative, healthy/ unhealthy) in general, or as applied to our specific needs (the appropriate person to date, healthiest foods, best way to spend our money…..)

▪️LOW-LEVEL anger can be:
√ mild, when a situation is annoying but not serious, often suppressed, OR
√ strong but hidden anger, & may be disguised as nonchalance. This is harder to spot in someone, but can be hinted at by their impatience or exasperation over the smallest thing (a fly buzzing, a person wearing something unattractive, a loud commercial….), especially if it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else.

It also can be expressed as being argumentative, easily frustrated & cranky. A way to tell if someone you know is an angry low-level-er, is to ask  : “Is there any family member  / frond / mate….. whose constant irritability affects your ability to have a good relationship with them?”  If Yes, then they probably have this indirect style of anger.

INTERESTING contrast – Much of our psychological ‘wisdom’ tells us that it’s bad to express too much anger, but this is not true in every culture.
EXP: Young people out drinking on a Friday night —
🇬🇧 in England, hospital ERs are full by midnight with fight injuries. Whereas,
🇧🇮 in Basque cities (northern Spain) you’ll see a group of people in a bar arguing so vigorously it seems inevitable that a fight will break out – but it rarely does. Low-level anger is not just expressed, it’s almost exaggerated, so that the full-blown variety is usually not needed

Whatever the nationality, alcohol loosens inhibitions, so the most likely explanation for the difference is that the Basques bottle their anger up less, while the Brits need the bottle to let it out. (from ‘The Guardian’)

🇵🇷 In the USA – there’s an epidemic of low-level-continuous-anger.
One way it shows up is in “the ambient misanthropy of snarkiness – the snide, bitchy, cynical, catty, sarcastic, irascible remarks or quips at the expense of other people. They’re not actually witty – like Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker, Mae West – but rather snotty remarks, poking fun in a hurtful, superior way. ‘Snarky’ is intended as brutally-blunt irony, often delivered in an abrupt manner to stun.” (MORE…..)

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 9)

I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF at all costs!

PREVIOUS: Categories #4

SITE: “Neural representation of facial-emotion reflects conceptual structure“

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️BULLYING anger
Bullies vent their anger on those who don’t matter to them, or who they’re actively trying to undermine. They need to intimidate (using Anger + Fear) to be one up – using verbal assaults, seduction, mind games, political maneuvering….

Even though they are indeed fueled by aggressive anger, bullies can control outward signs of it much of the time when in public. They disguise their true intentions & emotions, especially around people they feel the need to impress, & so are unlikely to see the bully’s cruel side. (MORE….re. the workplace)

NOTE: Both bullies & other narcissists are only interested in getting their own way & can’t empathize with their victims. However, a basic difference is that:
• bullies know their victims hate what’s happening to them & that they haven’t done anything to the perpetrator directly. Targets are just seen as fearful, passive & vulnerable (weak), so ‘deserve’ to be pick on, while —-

• narcissists (especially NPDs) can’t even imagine that other people have needs or feelings different from their own, so are completely baffled when someone disagrees, balks or gets mad at them. They can’t understand how anyone would object to their words, demands or actions – since others are just tools to be used – not separate entities in their own right.

▪️CHEMICAL anger – some causes, including poor nutrition & low blood sugar :
• Biochemical – alcohol, drugs (‘roid rage, PCP berserking….), drug interactions, lead poisoning, stopped smoking
• Diseases : Alzheimers, cancer, heart, kidney, thyroid, Parkinson’s
• Medications : BuSpare types, Desyrels, Neurosine, Trazodone
• Neurologic : brain injuries, epilepsy, organic personality & pre-menstrual syndrome, TB

These & others greatly impair awareness & responses to external social cues because the brain cannot function normally. We see this in the violent or ‘mean drunk’ – what they say is likely what they really think & feel, unleashed because they’ve temporarily lost self-control. (MORE...)

▪️CONTROLLING anger
It’s used to gain power over other people & situation, to force things to go the controller’s way, or when something doesn’t turn out the way they wanted.
This anger is not always obvious, & can be in the form of : acting superior, being a poor loser, expecting that kiss/ make-up sessions will solve problems, not paying attention, not delegating, mistrusting everyone, showing off, talking over people’s heads, wanting center stage all the time….  (Post “ACoAs acting controlling”)
EXPs:
• If someone is afraid of losing their job they may feel anger instead of the underlying fear, which can be acted out in many ways such as badmouthing co-workers, in the hope of getting them fired to save one’s own position
• If someone or group is afraid their candidate will lose an election, they might get angry & argue with anyone leaning toward the opponent to get them to switch sides, rather than focusing on the issues or the candidates’ records…..

Deliberate / Planned: Sounding & acting angry when the person is not actually upset about something – at least at first. These types really know what they’re doing. Since they’re all about control, they won’t usually blow up, making their reaction – when they do – quite shocking.

It’s a performance without having to invest any real emotion, a way to gain power by threatening or bullying others – but this only works on the damaged & vulnerable, & only for a while

This is a tactic actually taught to cops, interrogators & top salespeople, and used by some parents, teachers & bosses…. as a way to manipulate & intimidate a person or group into doing what they want (be quiet, buy a product, do a task, go away….)
— OR used ‘positively’ by some preachers, therapists, politician or other group leaders – as a way to rouse a person or group to action for the good of their soul, their family, community or the world.
(Article: “What Do You Mean I’m Being Controlling?”)

NEXT : Anger Categories (Part 6)