al-anon

“ACTIONS – Healthy OPPOSITES” (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Healthy Opposites #3

SITES:  Positive Responses to Events 
• Self-Esteem // UNIT 
• 33 Things I’ve Learned 

A. UNHEALTHY Patterns
B. UNHEALTHY Opposites

C. HEALTHY Opposites (cont.)
Healthy functioning goes against all our Toxic Rules, & disobeying them feels like we’re betraying the family. What we in fact must do is to become totally, unequivocally loyal to ourselves, since we didn’t get nourished correctly from the beginning. Our ONLY job is to heal the Wounded Child & bring out the best of our Natural Child

EXP: Imagine you’re a highly trained plumber with a fully stocked tool bag. It may be worn & dirty, but has always been available & made your work possible. You’ve been using those tools for a long time, replacing old parts, stopping drips & duck taping leaky pipes, hoping to avoid a flood. You’ve been on the job so long you can’t imagine doing anything else!

• Then one day you’re told the old-style plumbing is being replaced with an all new infrastructure & your specific skills are not needed anymore! You can throw away that raggedy tool bag & carry an elegant briefcase with fewer but more refined new instruments! You’re shocked, even devastated.

You know how to use the old instruments – what are you going to do with a briefcase? You don’t know how to read the new rules & or how to implement them. What are you going to do without having cracked pipes to tinker with?? Who are you going to be now!!??

Shifting from Negative to Positive ways of living is done thru Process,
— another one of those things ACoAs hate! and we need practical examples of correct thinking & acting

✶ When our Inner Child is on the same page as the Healthy Adult /Parent (‘Unit’) about some specific issue in our life (ending a bad relationship, pursuing a healthy dream….), then resistance is eliminated, & we’re able to take the actions we want, the ones that are best for us. With time the new actions become the new norm!

From NEGATIVE to POSITIVE Opposite  (from #1 to #2 on chart):oppositesREVIEW – it helps to remember that:
• Most people in the world are damaged. It’s the younger, damaged part of us making these negative choices – by training, to be loyal to our family & prevent punishment. This is normal & understandable.

Without healing everyone is run alternately by 2 Ego States: the ‘Bad’ voice (Introject) & the Wounded Child.
Many people have a somewhat functioning Adult – “somewhat” because is includes CDs.
But rarely do we meet someone with a Loving Parent voice. Without the L.P. it’s hard for anyone to make long-lasting improvements

• While many of us across the country & the world legitimately have limited options for help & support where we physically are located, now we have many new possibilities via the internet & books that can improve our lives

• To shift into Positive Opposites, ACoAs need 2 new ego states to work as the ‘Unit’: the Healthy Adult that deals with facts, & the L.P. in charge of nurturing & guidance. The Unit must take over the responsibility of running our lives, & care for our wounded part – away from the ‘bad voice’ that beats us up & holds us back

✶ As Healthy Adults, we can choose what actually works & what doesn’t – in the present – rather than what we learned originally.
Using T.E.A. (thoughts, emotions & actions) our goal in Recovery is to:
• notice that our Es are, & as much as possible, manage them in safe ways
• keep track of our Ts, re-enforcing the realistic results& healthy ones, while changing the toxic beliefs – or at least not obeying them!

• observe our As, especially the ones that are self-defeating, noticing their practical & emotional consequence, so that we WANT to change them – and re-enforce the good ones, no matter how small!

RESULTS of Positive Opposite actions:
❇️ Over time, taking Positive Opposite actions add up, giving us a sense of worth,  permission to be our True Self, be part of the human race & actually enjoy life!

NEXT: ACoAs & Listening, #1

“ACTIONS – Healthy OPPOSITES” (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

2 ways I HAVE TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENTLY –
it’s such a big job but I’m not giving up!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Opposites -#2

See Acronyms Page for abbrevs.

SITES: Healthy Helping  // Healthy Boundaries  // Recovery – Is
My Rights  // ACoAs & Healthy Rules

“REVERSING self-defeating Behavior IMPROVES our Life” (cont)
A. UNHEALTHY Patterns

B. UNHEALTHY Opposites (cont.)
• Recovery is about moving from being unhealthy (#1) to gradually becoming healthier (>>>#2), from doing self-harming things to becoming more self-caring. All wounded people start out on the far Left side of this chart, taking mostly unhealthy actions. Unfortunately it’s where many ACoAs stay – although we don’t have to

healthy oppositesThere’s a saying in AA: “Alcoholics dig themselves into a rut, & then they decorate it”! —- instead of climbing out.
Since many of us were raised by alcoholics we learned to do the same, & find it very hard to outgrow.
It’s also true if our parents were some other kind of narcissist, abuser, depressive…. no matter what their drug-of-choice – food, money, exercise, relationships, workaholism, rage, religion….)

• Naturally, if we don’t know what Healthy Opposites are we can’t work towards them.  So we settle for Unhealthy opposites without even realizing what we’re doing.  Because they don’t work either, we go back to our original coping style, caught in a vicious cycle between the extremes of the Left end ⬆️, never making it over to the RIGHT side!

Some Negative Opposites (a –> b –> a….)
• Feeling hurt
Too Little: backing down, suffering in silence (& rage), being a victim…
Too Much: rude, hostile, insulting, giving the cold shoulder….

• Disappointing “relationships”
Too Little: isolating, depressed, not saying how we feel or what we need, ignoring our needs, waiting to be taken care of…
Too Much: clinging, chasing, verbally attacking, demanding….

• Work Stress
Too Little: being late, going on strike, not finishing projects, making lots of mistakes, taking too much time off….
Too Much: trying to please the boss, doing everything immediately, staying late, worrying about getting fired…..

• In the Home
Too Little: being lazy, sloppy, careless, dirty
Too Much: compulsively cleaning, obsessively putting things in ‘order’, not wanting anything moved….
More Examples:
• FROM clinging to bad relationships, family, jobs… TO isolating ourselves to the point of emotional starvation

• FROM not being able to get out of bed, totally goofing off, not using our talents …. TO running around like a headless chicken, taking on too many projects, becoming a workaholic

• FROM being so poor we end up living Ion the street or with drunks & crazies, TO overspending every cent we have as a way to sooth ourselves
• FROM physically being undernourished TO stuffing oneself, especially on unhealthy food & drink
• FROM promiscuity TO total sexual / sensual deprivation
• FROM living in daydreams TO being hard-nosed & controlling – and back again….

C. HEALTHY Opposites
Moving forward in life includes taking healthy productive actions, although doing things is not the only aspect, & sometimes taking no action is wiser & more effective.  In terms of T.E.A., all our actions are motivated BY our thoughts & emotions, whether healthy or not, whether we admit this or not.

So, what can we do?
• In order to make desired changes we need correct info. Like any new language, we have to learn the vocabulary, grammar, syntax & rhythm of healthy actions. Actions that lead to any type of success are usually the exact ‘Positive-Opposite’ of our life-long patterns.

Yes, we’ve tried to do things differently, but to no avail because we’ve been doing the ‘Negative-Opposite’, with great effort & sincerity, but always ending in disappointment or failure

• We know it’s hard to change. ACoAs hate change! It triggers the WIC’s lack of safety from our dangerous childhood.  Taking positive actions can temporarily make us feel crazy, in danger & we can temporarily regress to immature behaviors – as if we haven’t grown at all!

Recovery asks us to let go of old ways of thinking & doing – which seems very threatening – but ends us actually healing us!

NEXT: Reader request

“ACTIONS – Healthy OPPOSITES” (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

 I’VE BEEN DOING THE OPPOSITE!
 why isn’t it working?

PREVIOUS: Healthy Opposites #1

POST : Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (#2)

 

“REVERSING self-defeating Behavior IMPROVES our Life” (cont)
A. UNHEALTHY Patterns (cont.)
ACoAs have a tendency to:
• do everything based on B & W thinking (‘always, never, no one, all’…)
• be afraid to do anything that’s against the Toxic Family Rules
• only do what we think others want us to, or what others expect of us

• behave in much the same way that our dysfunctional parents did
• use the same type of actions in every situation (no nuance, no variations, no risks, no innovations or what actually works …)

• not learn from our mistakes, just repeat bad patterns & then complain
• blame others for our mistakes, emotional distress or lack of action
• react from a wounded, anxious or angry emotional place (the co-dependent triangle = victim / perpetrator / rescuer)

Here the focus is on the way to choose what category of actions to take. It’s not a guide to what we should do, but rather correcting what seems to us a quite logical – yet misguided – way to solve our problems, which has been to:
➡️ periodically reverse our usual way of handling things – but only knowing how to choose its Unhealthy Opposite!

B. UNHEALTHY Opposites
• From the very beginning of life we’ve been trying to figure out how to survive, fix our family & get our needs met – mostly with corrupted info (G-I / G-O = “garbage in – garbage out”).

ACoAs are very smart, creative & determined – even though we don’t realize or own it. As kids all out talents went into a valiant effort to save our parents & siblings – maybe even friends.
Now we find other dysfunctional people to ‘rescue’ – desperate to make them well enough to be there for us!

EXP: The 4yr old trying to help her drunk father up the stairs that he’s passed out on, the teenager hopelessly trying to convince her mother to go to Al-anon or leave dad, OR as adults – trying to get a heavily addicted lover /spouse sober, or to keep them from killing themselves – whealthy oppositesith little or no success.

• As unrecovered adults we stumble around without mental or emotional clarity – in spite of our high intelligence, because of convoluted & warped info we were fed in childhood.
The ACoA Laundry List says: “We guess at what normal is”, so we obsessively watch normals to figure out what to do (how do they talk, how do they eat sushi, what makes them happy, how do they make friends?…).

Even so, we can only copy them but so far, because we’re still in the grip of our childhood / family templates – used as the foundation for new actions.  It doesn’t work. This is to be expected – it’s how every brain is programmed from birth.
So we always end up in the same old place, defeated & hopeless, thinking that it’s: a) somehow all our fault, & that b) the universe is against us!
Either way, it hurts!
EXP: Afraid to be in social situation because we don’t know how to make small talk, convinced we’ll be boring or sound stupid…..

• And how do we use all our native cleverness & determinatioakwardn for ourselves?
There are many convoluted ways UNhealth can manifest itself. From that mess we choose a set of patterns that most suits our specific personality & our background. We keep trying them out in complex variations & with lots of different people. (Chart in Part 4)

When we get too frustrated by not getting what we need or want, we unconsciously pick through the mental rolodex of distorted options that were forced on us, looking for a better way to handle things, hoping another ‘opposite’  way of behaving will solve our problems.

So we try obvious reversals, BUT all our action-choices are taken from the ‘disease’ end of the spectrum. From a. to b. & back again! (in above chart)
EXP: “I always say the wrong thing, so now I’m not going to talk at all! OR
// My last 3 girlfriends were nightmares, so I’ll never trust another woman….”

NEXT: Healthy opposites #3

“ACTIONS – Healthy OPPOSITES” (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

 I TRY & TRY –
but I still don’t get anywhere!

PREVIOUS: Self-Esteem – IS

POST:  ‘Why are you stuck?”

See Acronyms Page for abbrev.


“REVERSING self-defeating Behavior IMPROVES our Life”
A. UNHEALTHY Patterns
• Many of us know how we would like our life to be:
To HAVE a fulfilling career, loving relationships, less pressure, a little fun… and we’ve been trying, struggling, obsessing – year in & year out – but not much has changed.  We feel stuck, frustrated & depressed – still run by our false beliefs (CDs) & un-processed emotions.

We grew up with years of abuse – around chaos, addictions, criticism, rage, depression, neglect & illness. We learned to survive by adapting to what ‘they’ seemed to need & want, so we cobbled together a set of behaviors as best we could, with very little guidance, which allowed us to survive – but not thrive. We became a ‘human doing’ instead of a Human Being.picture-13• We often hear advice like – “Just do it!, Just start somewhere, Do the opposite of what you normally do”, even “Take the action & let go of the result”….  America was built on hard work, perseverance, risk taking & chutzpah.  All of these qualities are action-based.

Anthony Robbins, famous athletes, business moguls & business coaches focus us on taking the next action & the next – no matter what.
➡️This has value, up to a point, but ACoAs know it’s not that simple, because depression gets in the way, & besides – we didn’t have early role models for what right actions actually are.

Dysfunctional Functioning:
a. Some ACoAs have a daily struggle to function at all – maybe from being chemically challenged, not having the vitamins & nutrition needed to be ‘level’ & / or being so devastated by emotional pain that we have little or no passive victimwill to act

b. Some of us waste years of our life just drifting along, not knowing what we want to be ‘when we grow up’!  We’re unhappy & unfulfilled, but don’t have a direction to focus on. Or we fall into whatever jobs that allow us to earn a living.

This is not blame – only identifying the result of being wounded, not from personal defect!  Various forms of Recovery can help us find our True Self, which includes our dreams, goal, talents & abilities

c. Others of us have a strong sense of what we’d like to do – if only we had the support, the education, the opportunity, the connections…..
But we don’t go for it because it would require going against every message we picked up at home, such as – “Don’t out-do us, Don’t be successful, Don’t be the real you….” all of which feels like life-&-death to disobey!
✶ This is not an exaggeration to the WIC, so don’t let anyone tell you you’re being dramatic!

d. An alternative to not doing anything is to either take up a profession that was dictated by our family or a secondary interest of ours (doing stage makeup instead of acting, being a nurse instead of a doctor….) – sometimes even becoming very skilled at it, but without enough satisfaction.
➡️ It’s not unusual for ACoAs to do quite well at what we like to do the least!

e. Many ACoAs fail to take the beneficial actions we absolute need to have a decent life – at the very least, always choosing the worst relationships, the most unsatisfying jobs, isolating ourselves, refusing to take advantage of growth opportunities (personal or material), not caring for our health – not to mention continuing with any number of addictions

f. And then there are the Hero ACoAs, who over-DO all the time. Action is their god, their escape, their addiction. Keeping busy is the only thing keeping their emotions at bay.  ‘Heroes’ are so good at everything they DO, but are hard on themselves & hard on everyone else.  They may or may not be working at a job that suits them, but they’re going to prove they can do anything! What gets ignored is being vulnerable, showing heir softer side.

NEXT: Healthy Opposites – #2

Serenity Prayer Backwards

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

screen-shot-2017-02-21-at-4-20-04-am

 I HAVE TO DO IT ALL MYSELF
 since no one else cares!

PREVIOUS : SAYINGS, #4

POST: Cognitive Distortions  (CDs) 

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


FAULTY THINKING
The Al-Anon meetings Opening says: “….. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, & we become irritable & unreasonable without knowing it.”
All ACoAs grow up with a variety of cognitive distortions (CDs), which now keep us confused & even somewhat paralyzed. Instead of seeing thru rose-colored glasses, CDs are our negative filters/ lenses, used to view our sense of self & our abilities, mirroring past painful events & too many losses.

One of these CDs is the “Illusion of Control” fallacy
= the mistaken belief that you can change things you really can’t (opposite of Step 1). It comes in 2 forms, & sadly, most unrecovered ACoAs have both:

a. Being externally controlled, we feel like helpless victims of fate, & so tend to blame others for our mistakes & failures, such as the boss causing our poor work performance.

EXP: “I can’t help it if the quality of the work isn’t my best. I was under so much pressure to get it done fast, & my boss demanded I work overtime on it.”

b. The internally controlled part of the fallacy has us blaming ourselves for events that are truly out of our control. 
We assume responsibility for the pain or happiness of everyone around us (instead of ourselves!) & then for fixing it.
EXP: “Why are you upset – was it something I said? What can I do to fix it?
(Posts: Secretly Angry-Nice people)

ACoAs’ damaged logic 🙃 gets the Serenity Prayer backwards:
1. Healthy Version
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
= the courage to change the things I can
= & the wisdom to know the difference”
☞ REWORDING : Change what you can right now, & Accept what you can’t change at all, what’s not yet possible, or is not yet the right time.

2. UNHEALTHY Version – ACoA compulsively act on a totally narcissistic reverse rendering :
“I grant myself the ability to do the impossible,
= the determination to not change the things I can,
= & the refusal to notice the distortion!”

For many of us it’s unconscious & automatic, but the first line is arrogant & self-defeating, since it’s unrealistic & untrue!
Ironically, the other 2 lines are ways to obey Toxic Rules such as:
“Do not see & get away from abuse”
“Whitewash (minimize, cover over) other people’s bad behavior”
“You always have to struggle but never get there”
“Don’t stand up for your rights”……

If we’re serious about Recovery it’s imperative to become fully aware of these pervasive distortions. Only then do we have the option to decide which of the 2 versions we want to live by.

2 choicesCorrection
• Don’t under-estimate the degree of control you do have over your own actions. You’re no longer a perpetual victim, as in childhood, no longer helpless or powerless. Check out the many alternatives available to you & take responsibility for your action.
AND
• Don’t over-estimate your responsibility for the happiness or pain of others. Learn how much power & influence you really do have or don’t have over yourself & others.
(Posts: “How ACoAs Abandon others“)

NEXT: ACTIONS – healthy opposites (#1)

SAYINGS that MISREPRESENT (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: SAYINGS #3

SITE: Aphorism – looong list

◆ “Understanding How Words Work“(Scroll to ‘Language’)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
REVIEW Intro in Part 1 

11. “First impressions are the most important.”
❤️ YES – It’s necessary – in business, in social settings & in casual public situation. It matters when we need to convince someone of our value in order to get something we need from them. Or, it matters when we want someone new to get to know us, so they won’t be scared off. It can be good for our self-esteem to put our best foot forward….
ARTICLE: “A second chance to make the Right Impression”

AND Yes, a bad first impression can potentially cause a permanent loss.
EXP: What if you meet me for the first time – say on a job, at a party or other group – when I’m having a bad week, am ill or going thru a painful time, when I’m frantic, angry, down…. so I sound like a lunatic – but it’s not who I really am most of the time?

You’ll go away thinking “They’re a crazy person / how obnoxious / I don’t want to be around that!!!” That’s sad but understandable. It’s an unfortunate interaction that can’t be salvaged. So you will miss out on my ‘normal’ wonderful, interesting self – just like it’s happened to some of us in our family, who may never have gotten to know our best Recovering Self.  Oh well. Others do.
🤖
💜 NO – If we’re presenting a fake facade or a ‘too good’ version of ourselves – which will become too hard to keep up – whether in a new job or new relationship. And when we no longer want to or just can’t keep it up – then we’re likely to disappoint people who bought the facade. And we’ll feel bad about ourselves.
Except if you’re a narcissist or sociopath who needs to keep the mask in place all the time, then you’ll never feel shame.

And NO – We can’t always go by our 1st impressions of others, especially for ACoAs, since the WIC will always react to them from the unconscious IMAGO modeled on our family.
a. Idealizing: When we ACoAs first meet people we have a habit of making up who they are, based on how they treat us. If they show an interest then we over-estimate them & therefore assume they’re going to provide everything we’ve been longing for. If they’re not interested or unpleasant, we take it personally & either slink away or try to win them over.

One result – the big problem is that without doing FoO work we tend to be most attracted to unhealthy people & then proceed – sometimes deliberately – to ignore all the red flags they wave at us! in order to stay with them. All the while expecting them to be the good parents we never had. Ridiculous!
Then when all the WIC’s hopes & needs get disappointed, we turn those same people into monsters (over-value then under-value). Either way – it’s harmful to us – & unfair to them.

Another result – we cheat ourselves of real ‘nourishment’ by not seeking out people who have a healthier sense of self, which allows them to connect with us, but without enmeshment.
They will not want to take on the missing-parent-role, but will be able to see & value us for our True Self, even when we can’t.

b. Over-disclosing: If we first meet a new friend or lover who’s willing to listen to us – we tend to immediately tell our life’s story, with all our sorrows & self-hate. This is he WIC’s desperation to be heard & comforted, but also to get a jump on ‘inevitable’ abandonment.

Unfortunately, when we pour our heart out to non-professionals, it only makes us more vulnerable & seem foolish or weak. Of course we do this with others too, but that kind of ‘sharing’ belongs in Al-Anon, therapy, & spiritual counseling. Developing healthy boundaries lets us be more balanced in our presentation of ourselves.

NEXT: Serenity Prayer backwards

SAYINGS that MISREPRESENT (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , , ,

I’M NOT SURE –
what to ask for!

PREVIOUS: SAYINGS…  (#3)

 

REVIEW Intro in Part 1 

7. “Be careful what you ask for – you may get it”
❤️ YES – said as a warning if you’re superstitious, self-destructive, have a habit of choosing badly….

GROWTH : There’s a different YES – not as a negative – but can be stressful at first. This is when we determine to make a positive change in our life, & perhaps ask HP for help – to be released from a bad relationship & find a good one, be provided with a new job/career, to live in a bigger, safer, more suitable location …..

And then it comes our way, not magically but because we did the foot-work and were in the right place at the right time.
BUT – if we’re not fully prepared to receive these blessings, we can feel uncomfortable, scared, unworthy….
That’s OK. If we ride it out & get validation from the right people, eventually we’ll be able to relax into it.

💜 NO – As ACoAs, we don’t want to be so ‘careful’ that we don’t ask, since many of us have a poverty/deprivation approach to life. It’s imperative we give ourselves permission to ask for what we NEED, first & foremost. This requires knowing who we are + knowing what our human rights are + being able to deal with the risk of not getting.

Also it requires that we never go to people who have already proven – a hundred times over – that they’re not capable or willing.
THEN we can begin, slowly, to ask for bigger & better things, healthy things, fun things….. and when we get them – take them in, be happy, be grateful. Enjoy!

8. “A good beginning makes a good ending”
💜 NO – in most instances for ACoAs before Recovery. If we start by marrying an alcoholic &/or other addict, it’s for-sure going to cause years, even decades of great pain. It’s not uncommon for these to end with a bang.
OR – if we enthusiastically start an unsuitable job, try to do too many things at once, idealize a new partner, be great caretaker….. it’s likely to end in disappointment, frustration, exhaustion & rage

OR – if we start a good thing, such as exercising, a diet, an advanced degree, a recovery book, a 12-Step program or therapy…. all with the best of intentions, but it goes against our Toxic Rules, it’ll peeter out with a whimper. (“Anxiety & T.E.A.” ).

❤️ YES – if we pick the right kind of job/careers, or healthy & suited-to-us friends, mates, therapist, doctors….. then it’s likely that a good beginning would predict at least a neutral if not a good ending – when appropriate or necessary.

9. “Forgive yourself”
❤️YES for harmful things you did as a result of your damage
💜 NO for being damaged in the first place!
POST: “Outgrowing Co-Dependent Niceness #6a“

10. “Everything that has happened to me is OK because it’s made me the person I am today”.
There are a couple of ways this is wrong. Yes the things that happened in childhood naturally molded us, & for some people that was beneficial.

BUT for ACoAs, saying that what happened to us was OK – is cruel. Was it OK that you were beaten all the time? That you had to take care of everyone but not yourself? That you were mind-f–ed, punished for having emotions? That you were molested, raped, neglected, starved???? 💜NO!
If some or all of these were part of your early years, then all they accomplished was to form a False Self, which we mistakenly believe is who we are. (“Our Wounded Inner Child“

All the horrifying things that happened to us made us who are today – all right!  – into frightened, self-hating, over-working, ego-less wrecks.
But anyone in FoO Recovery knows that our healing work is to strip away the layers of defenses (self-destructive messages) to get to the person we actually are inside & would have been a long time ago – without the abuse!! (POST: “They did the best they could”)

NEXT: Sayings #4

SAYINGS that MISREPRESENT (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,


WE KEEP PASSING ON – half correct ‘helpfulness’

PREVIOUS: SAYINGS… (#1)

REVIEW Intro in Part 1
3. “I don’t have to be perfect.”
What’s wrong with this statement?
💜 NO – Unfortunately, people in Recovery who say this actually consider it a sign of growth, but is in fact one of those sneaky ways our ‘damage’ keeps us hooked. Why? Because:
It implies we COULD be perfect, we just don’t have to be. NOT true!

No one can be perfect except God. So, what is true & accurate is that “Humans are not perfect, & I am human, so I can’t be perfect!” That’s normal. To think otherwise is arrogant. We can only do the very best of our ability given where we are in our life-progress right now.
It means that “To err is human”,  so we must accept the reality of having limitations. This does not minimize our accomplishments or gifts! We can say: ‘There’s nothing wrong with being imperfect, because it’s a universal Truth”

4. “Feelings aren’t facts” is 💜 not about our emotions, as most people assume. The confusion comes from the reality that we use the word ‘feeling’ in 3 completely different ways: As physical sensations, as emotions AND as thoughts.  See POST

5. “The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.”
💜 NO – It’s the word “EVERYTHING” that’s the problem. Taken literally, this is a blatant inaccuracy. Always keeping PMES in mind, how we do the various parts of our life depends on many factors.
It will depend on your fundamental personality, such as indicated by their MBTI or EnneaType – whether you’re more left or right-brained, (scientific vs artistic) Introvert vs Extrovert, AND above all what areas of childhood experiences were allowed & praised or ignored & punished.

So, I can be meticulous about how I dress & do my makeup, but sloppy about keeping my house orderly.  I can be a brilliant scholar & writer, but neglect my family. I can be very talented & dedicated to my native art form but irresponsible if I have to do office work…. .READ article – a Lesson
▶︎ None of us do everything the same way!

(❤️YES) However, if we take this phrase more psychologically, we can use this woman’s experience to indicate where we’re stuck. Each of us can have the same kind of ‘aha’ connections – between everyday ways of doing (or not doing) things & how they’re a reflection of our fears & resistance to change. Such discoveries help us remove blocks which will improve our life.

6. “If you hate a flaw in someone else it means you have that flaw yourself, otherwise you wouldn’t be upset by it”
💜 NO – the things that bother us the most in the present, that push our buttons or ‘trigger us’ are actually the abusive / neglectful things that were done to us by our family (& other perpetrators) over & over throughout our childhood.
They are wounds we need to clean out, but they are not our character defects.
EXP: I’m almost never late anywhere, but I will definitely be angry at anyone who’s consistently late to dates / appointments, because of all the times as a kid I was left waiting to be picked up by my drunk parent….

❤️ YES – Al-Anon says that when we point a finger at someone else, 3 fingers point back at us. So the statement is true to the degree that our denied ‘character defects’ get projected out onto others, & we don’t like what we see of ourselves in them. These flaws are the emotions, beliefs & behaviors (TEAs) we internalized from our family & society, rolled into our Negative Introject’s voice (PP).

BUT that is not who we are. It’s the False Self we developed in reaction to our unhealthy upbringing.
Even so, our True Self sneaks thru in spite of early brainwashing – sometimes indirectly, sometimes obviously.
EXP: a secret interest, types of addictions we chose, our career path, the way we dress, places we love to go….. So the goal is to find out who we really are & live it!

NEXT: Sayings #3

SAYINGS that MISREPRESENT (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, astrology, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I WANT TO BE CLEAR
about what I’m saying

PREVIOUS: Growth for the Scapegoat #3

SITE:Use of Language (Many links re. the meaning of words & phrases)

INTRO
CONFUSING: We all use short-cuts in daily conversation, which is understandable, but sometimes this can do us a disservice.
There are truisms we take for granted, phrases & sayings we repeat without considering what they really mean. We assume they are correct, & that they apply across the board  (the latter is B & W thinking – a CD).

It is said that the unconscious has no sense of humor & is completely literal. It’s the reason affirmations need to be said in the positive: “I have a right to be happy…. rather than “I don’t want to suffer any more”, and stated as if our goal had already happened; “I am making / have made $100,000 in sales this year”, rather than “I wish I could make….”.

Language is so important, not just to connect well with other people, but mainly to connect with ourselves in the healthiest possible way. The Inner Child is always listening to everything we say to others, & at the same time is listening to the Bad Parent voice shouting or whispering in the background.
It’s up to the UNIT (healthy adult & loving parent) to make sure our language is kind as well as accurate.

In terms of having good mental boundaries, “Accuracy is more important than agreement”. Just because everyone else believes or does something – doesn’t mean we have to. Don’t let others confuse you. Don’t follow the crowd!

☁︎ NOTE: How we use Language is as important in the quest for ‘sanity’ as other factors. The words & phrases we choose either help or hinder our progress.

1. “I deserve to / You deserve it…..”
The problem is the word ‘deserve’. Sounds OK? Well, in terms of actual meaning, ‘deserve’ refers to something given as a reward for acceptable, special or difficult behavior (as in: “Here is your A+ / medal / Oscar / gold watch…..you deserve it”). It’s something earned, which is OK, since it’s good to be recognized & honored for accomplishments.

So it’s a ❤️ YES if you’re rewarded for earning a living, getting a good grade, winning at a sport or climbing a mountain….

BUT it’s a definite 💜 NO when speaking of our rights as a person. We’re not supposed to deserve them. They’re ours no matter what. Using ‘deserve’ in the context of personal growth is misguided, because it implies that our worth is based on how much & how well we DO things.

This reinforces our difficult childhood, when we were only acceptable (if at all) based on the condition of how well we conformed to dysfunctional rules, instead of being loved unconditionally for just being here.

So, connecting “I deserve …..” with self-worth is a subtle distortion, disguised as Recovery, which ignores our BE-ing. The implied message is: “Produce or lose!” It sneakily tells us that we have to keep on earning validation & permission to have things which are in fact universal Human needs (love, freedom, respect, identity, guidance, dependability….), & therefore should not have to be struggled for.
This deep-rooted negative assumption is why we keep trying to be perfect & please everyone.

2. “Well, at least you’re alive, You’ll be just fine, You’re strong”
❤️YES – of course. We want to affirm life & let people know we care about their existence.
❤︎ However, without making this a NO, there is a way in which these phrases are a kind of insensitive throw-away. With many people it’s just a polite standard.

But if you just had a devastating loss & may even be injured – like a serious accident with a death, a full-scale house fire, a near drowning, a severe physical assault, a major illness…. You’re in pain, in mourning, in shock! so those comments are not comforting or uplifting.
Without looking for pity or to be rescued, some indication of empathy or sympathy would be welcome, rather than a glib pat on the head.

NEXT: Phrases #2

ACoAs being Scapegoated – GOWTH (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

 

 

 CAN PROTECT MYSELF
in healthy adult ways

PREVIOUS: Scapegoated (#7b)

SITEs: Empath as Scapegoat in Group Dynamics
• Being a Corporate Scapegoat (cover-ups)

BOOK: Puttin’ Cologne on the Rickshaw, ~William Bouffard, re. Scapegoat Mechanism at work

TO WORK ON (cont.)
BUSINESS – & Relationships in general
Re. Others
A key to not being scapegoated at work is to “stick with the winners”! which means changing our behavior. Healthier people have fewer or milder buttons, & so are more patient with us when we (accidentally) step on their toes.
Pay attention to each person you’re around. What’s their usual m.o. – pleasant or unpleasant, sane or crazy, realistic or in denial, sober or addicted, connected or narcissistic …..?

Positive people to stick with: Those who are generally cheerful, discreet, encouraging, friendly, forgiving, loyal, & with good boundaries

Negative people to avoid – waving big red flags that scream “issues” we don’tred flags want to be a victim of nor take on:
– Overly controlling, always judgmental, critical, know-it-all, bossy
– Talking ‘at’ you, generally intimidating
– Making fun of you or others, gossips, clicky….
– Always complaining about others or the job, without doing anything to improve themselves or the situation
– Only talking about themselves, endlessly

Such types make us anxious or angry. The longer we’re around them the more it harms us. We’re so used to it from childhood we put up with it. But now we don’t have to!

Re. Our Behavior – at work & anywhere
• Don’t complain about stuff so much: politics, social deterioration, your crazy family, the weather… whatever! Emotionally upsetting things belong in therapy, church, Program…..
AND do not use friendships or romantic partners for therapy. Work on your issues with a trained therapist who knows ACoA issues, & in Al-Anon, ACA, CODA

• DO NOT make fun of or belittle yourself – ever! It’s OK to laugh at our imperfection – not taking ourselves so seriously – as long as it’s NOT from S-H! Denigrating ourselves or letting others do it signals low self-esteem, giving unhealthy people ‘permission’ to disrespect us

Screen Shot 2015-11-27 at 3.49.55 PM• Stop being a “truth-teller” (tattling) unless you need help from an authority figure to stop being abused
• Don’t use feeling terms at work (that’s upsetting, I’m frustrated, angry….). INSTEAD – talk about what you would like to see or do, & make practical suggestions

• Don’t over-disclose to co-workers, bosses & casual friends (serious problems, intense emotions, financial & legal details….). Some people will use them to judge, mistreat, avoid…you. If asked personal Qs, be general or vague, using a rational tone (Adult ego state), & end on a positive note

• Don’t attach to a new acquaintance too quickly or easily. Listen for cues about who they are, so you know if they’re safe or not. That takes time
• Don’t assume everyone’s trustworthy. It’s naive to think everyone usually takes the high road. It’s our narcissism to think others will or should act & feel the way we do

• Don’t trust most people with your secrets, which can lead to betrayal. Be friendly, have fun, but don’t expect others to honor confidences. Secrets are always juicy & some people can’t resist sharing them, while others will use them against you, from jealousy or meanness

• Don’t stay a Scapegoat – work on shedding the “Victim Mentality.” Find & hang on to what’s positive in your life, so you can enjoy them.

RESPONDING to a Scapegoater
Manager: Jill, I need those sales figures to complete my analysis
Scapegoater Boss: Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?
M: Check out the email I sent you last Friday
Sc: I never got it. Blame our server, not me
M: Our system shows that you received & saved the email

Sc: Oh, those figures. I told Bryan to do them. You mean he hasn’t gotten them to you yet? What’s wrong with that guy?
M: Bryan been working on the account for the past month
Sc: Well … (To herself: “Who can I blame now?”)

NOTE: The Scapegoater will stop blaming – temporarily – if given very specific examples of how their mistakes or miscalculations are the real problem. Being direct & clear makes it harder for them to shift blame.

NEXT: Sayings that Misrepresent #1