PREVIOUS: Resilience – HUMOR

SITE: Resiliency LINKS

SOCIAL CONNECTIONS
• Social support’s value depends on how well a person can – rely on or turn to – others for ‘presence‘, advice or encouragement.

🙂 Positive relationships: Scientific studies show they form the external nourishment that creates the inner resources to soften harmful reaction to stress, & increases overall well-being.
For P-TG (post-trauma recovery) to be successful, people who are over-stressed need to receive & take in the benefits of social support. Resilience does not develope by suffering in isolation, but rather by surrounding oneself with the right kind of friends – & any family members with enough mental health to be encouraging companions.

Finding one or more communities (12-Step, MeetUp.com, spiritual, intellectual, political….) – with its variety of personalities – can help by sharing one’s burdens, as well as seeing one’s own troubles from new perspectives.
Groups provide a sense of connection that reduces loneliness, & can become healthy role models (not co-dep or symbiotic) to encourage a genuine sense of worth that was never received from one’s family.
EXP:  After 9/11, New Yorkers who used a variety of emotional supports had a faster recovery, with fewer PTSD symptoms.

😌 Cooperativeness – DEF: “behavior that benefits the group rather than the individual, which ultimately benefits the individual”- opposite of competitiveness.
It’s the ability to connect with others with sympathy or empathy, rather than being emotionally insensitive. It’s evaluated in terms of how – forgiving, helpful, principled & tolerant – someone is. Helthy cooperative people (not co-deps) are able to accept, even empathize with another’s point of view or behavior, even when those are unhealthy or contrary to their own.  When there are conflicts, ‘centered’ people don’t lose sight of their own principles while working out solutions to get the best results for everyone. In terms of resiliency, when we cooperate we’re less stuck in our pain

😇 Acts of Kindness: Giving a moment of oneself to others is tied to P-TG resilience. Acts of altruism decrease stress & encourages the giver’s mental health. Volunteering has been found to increase self-worth & the sense of efficacy, adding meaning & purpose. (“I have an effect on my world, I matter, I can make a difference”)

Studies have found that the beneficial effects of serotonin (the ‘happiness & comfort’ neuro-transmitter) increases in people who have just engaged in an act of kindness.
This chemical boost is cumulative. Adding generous actions to one’s life – consistent or periodic – increases serotonin’s benefits exponentially, so that in times of difficulty there is a well of resiliency to draw from.

Psychologists named the euphoria of generosity ‘helpers high’, which has been backed by neuroscience. “Giving” produces endorphins in the brain that makes us feel good, in the same area as when we get a reward or experience other pleasures.

🥲 Purpose & Meaning: Any adult experiencing severe trauma can have their inner foundation shaken, but even more so for those with wounded backgrounds. New painful events can re-traumatize ACAs, increasing self-doubt & fear about their future in an unsafe world. We all want to make sense of bad things, but that’s not always possible. Even so, we need to have a purpose to our own life, no matter the circumstances.

Finding hope can be hard in times of extreme stress, but hope is exactly what fuels resilience. Hope empowers & motivates people to believe in the possibility of a manageable, if not a brighter, future – seeing it as worth participating in.
BUT it must be based in what’s possible. EXP: Hope that a battering mate will wake up one day & become kind – is not hope – it’s denial!

When hope is realistic, acting-as-if can actually create the energy & drive needed to keep going, generating more hope in the process. Hope fuels our capacity to:
1. dream up goals/ plans
2. create specific strategies for accomplishing them
3. generate & sustain the momentum to carrying them out

T.E.A. Those who have enough resilience can help (A) others in the aftermath of traumatic events (but not ‘rescue’). One person’s support can be crucial in developing another’s resilience. It can encourage the distressed person to build P-TG by increase their optimism, positive emotions (E), & self-esteem. When they come to believe (T) in their ability to overcome difficulties & losses, they end up better adjusted.

NEXT: Resilience – Thinking #1

PREVIOUS: Resilience – Individual, #2

SITEs:   Creating Resilience thru Humor

• Building Resiliency in Children Through Humor

HUMOR
Being able to laugh is a very important ability, which represents intelligence, imagination & emotional release – all part of resilience. It’s so important that Alice Miller (“For Your Own Good” & other books) observed that murderers & other psychopaths do not have the capacity for humor – needed as a release valve for anger & frustration – so they take their rage out on others instead.

People under duress who can use humor to cope are much more resilient. Norman Cousins used the Marx Bothers movies to help heal his illness (along with Vit C). With humor, people suffering bereavement, major illness, war…. experience less hopelessness & depression. Those in a high-stress careers (like cops) will often make jokes in the face of tragedy & suffering, & the USO sends comedians to the front lines…..

Recent research says that humor requires a tremendous amount of brain power. “Getting a joke would seem, on the surface, to be an intuitive but trivial process. Instead, brain imaging shows that there’s more going on than we might think.” (Andrea Samson – Switzerland). .(More info)

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But unrecovered ACAs can have a hard time finding anything funny. After all, growing up in a very painful environment left little room for humor – unless it came in the form of cruel teasing or clever sarcasm, which was just passive-aggressive anger! There was nothing funny about the yelling, fighting, isolation, drunkenness, beatings, put-downs, mental illness…..

That’s why, as adults, we need to add some humor into every day –  being around people who are funny in good ways, finding the irony in daily events, watching stand-up, funny movies, comedies….

EXP: Comics like Robin Williams, Gabriel Iglesias or Jeff Dunham — but not like Sam Kinison, Andrew Dice Clay, Andy Kaufman.... Apologies to anyone who likes any of the last 3.
There may be an exception in Lewis Black – his anger makes sense about a lot of things, but especially if you’re into liberal political commentary.
Then there’s always Bill Engvall, or Ron White (the clever, sexy, overweight, blatant alcoholic 😀 – if you like that type 🤠)…..
And YES, there are lots of great women too, as in the “10 Greatest Female Comedians“.

Keep in mind that we are now the parent to our Inner Child/ Children – who still take in everything around them – ‘little pitchers have big ears‘ – so it’s up to us to protect them from PPT (people, places & things) that are too harsh or gross – given our WIC’s high anxiety level & many terrible experiences, even if our adult-self doesn’t mind.

Some people like ‘gallows humor’, because laughing at someone else’ misfortune makes them feel superior. Ugh! We got enough of that as kids !!
😨 And then there are the self-deprecating ACAs who continually make fun of themself AND demand that others be amused by it – as if it’s so clever.
EXP: Sheara once has a sponsee who did that, & when Sheara didn’t laugh, the young woman said “What’s the matter, don’t you have a sense of humor?” The sponsor’s response : “I don’t find self-hate funny!” 😂

Interesting: A study was done in the US with 201 adult twin pairs, to see if there might be a connection between ‘mental toughness’ & humor styles.
• Mental toughness = measure of a person’s resilience & confidence, that may predict success in sports, education & the workplace. Characteristics : Emotional Control, Control over life events, Confidence in Abilities, Interpersonal /Social Confidence…… (Qualities to develop it)
• Humor styles = 2 Positives (affiliative, self-enhancing) & 2 negatives (aggressive, self-defeating) (Descriptions)

Participants took assessment test on both factors. RESULTS: There was a Positive correlation between the positive humor styles and all but one of the mental toughness factors. Conversely, no correlations were found between any mental toughness factor & negative humor styles.
SO – the healthier a person’s mind, the less interest there is in negative-style humor!

When listening to humor or anything else – consider your emotions & physical sensations! Does it feel uplifting, are you happier, relaxed, relieved…. or uncomfortable, angry, grossed out…. You do not have to hate-listen/ hate-watch/ hate-read – anything, or stay anywhere that hurts.
Al-Anon teaches: “Go where it’s warm”!

NEXT: Resilience – Social

PREVIOUS: Resilience – individual #1

SITE: 25 Resiliency Affirmations   // IMAGE above

2. SELF-DIRECTEDNESS (Part 1)

3. FAILING & Resilience
The secret of very successful people is their ability to handle situations that don’t turn out well – somewhere along the way. Because they’re willing to risk trying, trying, trying – to achieve their goals – they can rack up a lot of rejection from others & /or failures from their own efforts.

EXPs : Thomas Edison, J.K. Rowling, Col. Sanders…..). A key factor in their success was that they put all their efforts into something they deeply believed in AND that was actually achievable. 

Rs use each disappointment as an opportunity to :
◎ figure out what went wrong (procedures, methods, their skill level, presentation….), & then make corrections  OR
◎ recognize their main task is to find the right person or venue for their product or skill.
They do not waste time second-guessing themself, beating themself up, wondering what’s wrong with them, trying to figure out what everyone else may want, or thinking the universe is against them!
The combination of objective learning & perseverance keeps them on track – & eventually they reach their goal. The bigger the risk, the bigger the payoff.

IMP: As recovering ACAs, we can make that shift in perspective – to accept  the need for process, which includes not knowing everything, sometimes making mistakes, cutting big jobs into bite size pieces, & never giving up.  This is so hard, because we may have done all that with / for our family – & never got anywhere.
★ But we didn’t actually fail, because our goal in childhood was impossible to achieve.
⭐︎ Perseverance is only useful if we push for what’s realistic. Part 3 of the Serenity Prayer says: “…and the wisdom to know the difference” – but we keep getting it backwards!

For perspective, try documenting (Excel?), every time you’ve been turned down, made a mess or missed the mark – when working on a project or toward a goal.
⭐︎ Then put it side by side with every success, every compliment, every paycheck! You may find your thinking shifts. Whatever you lack may not be as big or bad as you thought. You may have many more up-sides. Take that in!

4. PHYSICAL HEALTH & Resilience
We’ve all heard “Healthy body, healthy mind”. Body gurus insist that ‘to make healthy decisions in life, you have to lead a healthy (physical) life.’
Research suggests that as little as 10 minutes of exercise increases blood flow to the brain, & spending 20 minutes outside in nice weather leads to “more expansive, open thinking – a pro-resiliency mindset”.
Other studies say that time in nature helps combat anxiety & depression, improves immunity, & lowers inflammatory chemicals in the body. These are all true.

And it’s also true that long-term depression, environmental illness, severe dyslexia…. messes with our thinking & motivation, and auto-immune diseases require constant vigilance. But in many cases the right meds, location change, certain foods & supplements, Meetings & psychotherapy —-> improve well-being.

Yes, one component of “Inner Resources” is physical stamina. However, basing mental health (& resilience) primarily on physical functioning implies that if we don’t have a sound body, our mind will inevitably be – what??? confused, fuzzy, depressed, unfocused, a ‘mess’, weak…. ??? NO!
There are people everywhere with severe disabilities whose minds & hearts are not only resilient – but who soar!

• The obvious example is Stephen Hawking. He was diagnosed at 21 & was expected to die in 2 years, yet lived until age 76, continuing his work in spite of an extreme disability
• Consider how much Frida Kahlo accomplished, in spite of being in constant physical agony (polio & bus accident)
• And what about the elderly Christian lady who became permanently bedridden, & then spent all her time praying for other people, from requests sent to her from all over the US?

• There are children in cancer wards (often terminal) with better attitudes than most healthy people. And there are adults who have survived cancer treatment but have residual side-effect that debilitate, yet have a positive mental perspective
• And we’ve read about blind people who water-ski, bike ride, take pictures…. or have world-wide musical careers; or people with ALS, Down Syn…. or deafness – with successful acting careers….

These & many more are all people whose mental state in/was grounded solidly in a clear sense of themself & in positive beliefs. Their lives are/were not limited by their physical limitations.

NEXT: Resilience & Humor

PREVIOUS: Resilience – Personality

SITE: 12 Easy Ways to Build Your Resilience at Work

1. CHARACTER
Review: Resilience is all about being able to get thru life’s difficulties & then bounce back – either to a previous level, if that was acceptable – or to an internal & external upgrade, if needed (Post-Traumatic Growth).

As listed in ‘Resiliency – Traits‘, healthy internal resources are a foundation for thriving – in general,  but especially needed in times of stress – to solve problems or just to stay afloat. They include:
creativity, confidence, courage, gratitude, humor, kindness, optimism, persistence & spirituality.

2. SELF-DIRECTEDNESS
In “Resilience – Personality“, this trait is identified as crucial to successfully managing all sorts of problems. It means the person is their own motivator, not pushed around by other people’s needs & wishes. It’s the opposite of co-dependence, which comes from violation of our deepest values causes guilt, shame & anxiety.

✅  Being self-directed is only about adults. By definition, children are directed by others, but healthy parents teach them to develop this quality, so they can eventually function both autonomously & inter-dependently with others. This eliminates the need for the compulsive, constant “Harm-Avoidance” of most ACoAs.

Naturally, appropriate harm-avoidance is part of being resilient – the wisdom of staying away from PPT that drain energy & have little or nothing to give back. At the same time resilient people (Rs) do not assume everyone & everything are potentially ‘dangerous’ to their well-being. They trust their own observations & intuition to distinguish safe from unsafe.

PREPARED : In order to already have self-directedness, Rs would have had to grow up with a consistent sense of efficacy – the actual experience of having an effect on their environment (not just in fantasy), starting with parents.  As children, it meant that —
✧ they never needed to be in charge of drunks, siblings, the depressed, a dying relative, all the chores….. since these were not part of their family system
✧ they were not left to their own devices to figure things out without guidance or supervision

As children, in a healthy family  —
• It would mean THEIR needs were heard & provided, whenever possible – instead of having to ignore & suppress them.
• It would mean they were listened to when unhappy (comforted & validated), had a legitimate need ($ for school), a problem to be solved (a school bully), a passionate desire (for karate or piano lessons)…. without being ignored, shamed or punished.

• It would mean they were allowed to gradually figure out their own natural way of thinking, feeling & doing things – with age-appropriate boundaries, but without being forced into a mold that didn’t fit
• It would mean that the adults paid attention & responded well when the child objected to how they were being treated, or pushed in a direction that ‘isn’t me’
• It would mean the children were supported in exploring their own interests, as well as encouraged to expand their talents & dreams a little beyond their comfort

Adults with some or all of these early benefits became their own motivator, instead of having to rely on everyone else to tell them what to be & do – “a strong sense of ownership over their fate”. Self-directedness means having a gut-knowledge of their choices & actions, empowered to be the best they can in the circumstances, & so never need to see themselves as victims.

Self-Regulation (re. Actions)
Being in the driver’s seat of their life, self-focused Rs are strongly motivated, with concentration & effort – in both planning & execution. Having an ‘Internal Locus of Control’ means the ability to act in their own long-term best interest, consistent with their principles & beliefs. This is especially true when trying to master a skill – hopefully one that interests them a great deal. It would require being goal-oriented, responsible, reliable & resourceful.

✧ They’re able to focus attention on small tasks or big goals, without obsessing about what others think or want – while also taking into account possible consequences to self & others.
✧ They do not take responsibility for things out of their control, but manage to cope using available resources.
✧They do accept responsibility for their own problems, without self-judgement or blaming others, so they can learn from any mistakes, & then continue toward their end-point.
♥️ And they evaluate their progress or achievements realistically, valuing & enjoying the fruits of their talent & labor.

NEXT: Resilience – individual #2

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Resilience #2

SITE: Resilience in mental health
(psychology + neuro-biology)

QUOTE: “Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain.”
˜ Emil Dorian, Romanian poet & physician

❖ PROTECTION (cont)

Internal QUALITIES that BUILD Resilience
1. Competence = being skilled at practical & creative activities
2. Creativity = expresses oneself thru artistic activities, by imagination & creative thinking or other processes (new theories, scientific studies….)

3. Flexibility = can adjust to change, bend when necessary, & positively cope with situations
4. Humor = good sense of humor, can still laugh in difficult situations
5. Independence = can distance oneself from unhealthy people & situations. Has autonomy, able to get one’s own way when appropriate

6. Inner directedness = (locus of control) basing choices & decisions from personal evaluation – appropriate for oneself & the circumstances
7. Life skills = includes making good decisions, being assertive, having good impulse control
8. Love of learning = shows capacity for & interest in gathering a variety of info

9. Perceptiveness = has insight into & understanding of people & situations
10. Perseverance = keeps on in spite of difficulties, doesn’t give up
11. Positive view of personal future = is realistically optimistic, expects to achieve goal & dreams

12. Relationships = is sociable, able to form & maintain positive relationships & be a good friend
13. Self-motivation = actions come from internal initiative & positive self-motivation
14. Self-worth = has self-esteem & self-confidence

15. Service = helps others, but does not rescue or over-do
16. Spirituality = has personal faith in something greater than oneself
SOURCEs: Resiliency Workbook… & Resiliency in Action ~ Nan Henderson

When things are tough, we have 3 options:
1. We can ignore trouble & hope it goes away – by sticking our head in the sand, but with our butt exposed. Anyone who does that is vulnerable to being kicked from behind – when they least expect it! -OR-
2. We can face it head on & find a constructive way to deal with the situation – if at all possible. If something doesn’t work, we improve our strategy, & keep trying -OR-
3. When faced with impossible situations (getting an addict or co-dep into recovery, healing a terminal illness, getting our parent’s love & approval…. ), the only option left is to let go, turn it over to a Higher Power, & focus on improving our own life.

❖ POSITIVITY RATIO
For resilience to flourish, there has to be a balance of positive & negative experiences in our daily life. Research suggests that we regularly need at least a 3-to-1 ratio of ➕ to ➖ experiences – to deal with life’s ‘crap’, but especially to be optimally productive & to enjoy things. Our personal R-ratio identifies how well we can bounce back from disappointments, injury or failure. (from: “POSITIVITY“)

This means that : for every situation that causes us aggravating or heart-hurtful emotions, we need 3 or more heartfelt positive events that are encouraging & feel good. So – if you experience 5 painful things today, you’ll need 15 healing ones to counter them! Less than that – for too long – makes for misery. Prolonged stress or trauma has many negative effects, including depression, PTSD, medical illness & substance abuse.

⚠️ Built-in survival mechanisms in the brain make it naturally wired to pay more attention to negative events than positive ones.
🔆 For ACoAs who’ve lived mostly with bad ones – we need to up the ante – consistently adding many more positives to our life. A key to building R. comes from noticing, valuing & accepting good things whenever & wherever they occur. (balance CHARTS ↗)

Positive stokes can be big or little
• They can come from a hug, cuddling with kids, animals, & maybe a mate? 😍
• From a fun interaction with a friend, a smile or generous word from a stranger, being in a 12-Step meeting, or watching a TED talk
• An unexpected smile or gift, someone helping you carry groceries, or helping with the dishes, reading a great book or having a small dinner party…..
• It can also include someone listening to your troubles with empathy & understanding.

⛩ It’s anything you don’t have to earn or pay for, anything that warms you inside – even a little – or gives you a lift!

SITE: ‘Daily Good News that Inspires’ – many links

NEXT: Resilience #3

PREVIOUS: Resilience #2

SITE: “7 of Everything – Qualities of the Soul” 

ACoAs: As you read through all these lists of Resiliency characteristics & the background needed to provide them in the first place,
PLEASE remember to not use them to be discouraged or cause S-H.
Instead, let them be a road map to guide your growth.
The Recovery process gives us the opportunity to develop any that we’re weak in. We have survived, now let’s thrive!

RESILIENCE & TEMPERAMENT
A study with Australian family doctors examined the relationship between resilience (in R. & Traits) & personality, to identify the main qualities that promote or impair R. in relation to 7 characteristics.
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Researchers started from the idea that R. is a process influenced by each person’s combination of personal traits & their environment.
They found that Resilience is —
• • •  strongly associated with a high level of Self-directedness & low level Harm Avoidance
• • moderately correlated with high Persistence & high Cooperativeness
• not significantly correlated with Novelty Seeking, Reward Dependence & Self-Transcendence

IMP: The 2 most prominent beneficial traits are the complete opposite of how most ACoAs live. We function from:
🔺 High Harm-avoidance, spending much of our time & effort trying to avoid anything that could potentially cause an abandonment in any one of PMES ways – which includes suppressing our own emotions & needs
IRONY – we are also attracted to relationships which are harmful!
🔻 Low Self-directedness, which fuels our co-dependence, rather than being our own internal motivator.

PS : A recent study with a sample of Korean university students (Kim, Lee & Lee, 2013) examined the connection between Personality traits & Resilience. The most striking similarity to the Australian findings is that in both —> R. was strongly related to high Self-directedness, high Persistence, and low Harm Avoidance…..
And looking at male vs female differences, one surprise was that the Asian men in the sample were higher in Cooperativeness than the women, whereas in the West, it was the reverse. (CHART)
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Philosophical Questions
• Active vs Reactive : Do you mainly act from individual initiative OR usually from outside stimuli ?
• Freedom vs Determinism :  Do you have control over your own behavior OR  is it always caused by forces beyond your control?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Resilience #1

BOOK:  “Secrets of Resilient People: 50 Techniques to Be Strong (Teach Yourself)” ~ by John Lees

QUOTE: “More than education, than experience or training – a person’s level of resilience will determine who succeeds & who fails.”  ~ Dean Becker, CEO of Adaptive Learning Systems

❖ DANGER (Part 1)

❖ PROTECTION (cont)
Review from Part 1  – The 3 major protective environmental (external) factors needed to prevent young people from becoming so rigidly defensive that their heart & mind turns into dark ice:
1. Caring relationships (at least one)
2. High expectations (for success)
3. Opportunities to Participate & Contribute

Interestingly, Al-Anon provides all 3!
😂 1. Caring relationships: While Program is not a social club to find BFFs or mates, participants gain strength from the group as a whole, which has the emotional & spiritual power to heal.
It gives us a place to be heard & understood – perhaps for the first time. A place to get sane & helpful information without being forced to agree with anyone. A healthy commonality – so we no longer have to feel like outsiders. Sometimes even finding a kindred spirit we can be helped by & help another (sponsorship) .
Reminder: The Al-Anon Closing says “After a while, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you.”

🌴 2. High expectations – for success: This does not mean perfectionism or a demand to be something we’re not, nor what someone else wants us to be. It does mean that consistently going to meetings will allow us to uncover our own true opinions, emotions, talents & dreams – and permission to honor them!

🎁 3. Participate & Contribute : perhaps the most obvious – sharing in meetings, giving qualifications, holding service positions, making phone calls, sponsoring…..

Resiliency is about:
🔅 the amount of energy stored in one’s “inner battery” for use in the 4 areas (see Traits & Personal posts)
🔅 the degree or level of harmony, balance & stability within & between the areas

👍🏽 Core characteristics (Wagnild, 2009)
⭐︎ Equanimity = emotional balance, taking what comes in life with emotional awareness but without ‘losing it’
⭐︎ Existential separateness = the awareness that every person is unique (not-me), which allows a sense of boundaries, independence & freedom
⭐︎ Meaningfulness = knowing & accepting that each life has a purpose & is worth living
⭐︎ Perseverance = willingness to persist even in the face of adversity
⭐︎ Self-reliance = belief in oneself, depending on our own strengths & past successes to support decisions & actions
⭐︎ Well-being = physical safety, self-care & a comfortable environment

• RESILIENCE is much more than just a reactive skill-set to deal with discomfort & difficulties.
It’s an active process, the gradual development of personal qualities that enrich our lives, so we can deal with every circumstance in psychologically mature ways – being cooperative, responsible, optimistic & persevering.
Highly resilient (R.) people acknowledge distressing situations, learn from mistakes – if any – take the time to process & recover, & then get back in the game, without obsession, bitterness or despair.

Because gaining R. is dependent on individual, family & community elements, it can be reduced or wiped out by too many risk factors. Although a single one is not likely to undermine R., an intense accumulation can overwhelm anyone, but especially young people, who are still developing their identity. When piled up, it’s becomes much harder for a child to recover from traumatic events, & makes it likelier for them to develop a mental or substance use disorder.   (More… re Families)

Naturally, the reverse is also true. Resilience must have a safe, supportive environment to blossom. Originally in a healthy family, or later: 12-Step programs, good therapy, a welcoming church….. .
This is certainly true for individuals.
But what about the way under-privileged people, who’ve grown up with many harmful risk factors, rally to deal with trauma, such as war or natural disasters? They may still need a great deal of outside help, but the one thing that stands out in heart-warming stories is the banding together of a community to support each other in times of great distress, not just emotionally, but in practical, productive ways.
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NEXT: Resilience & Traits

PREVIOUS: MBTI – Introverts

SITE: From Stressed out to Resilient (for students)

See ACRONYM button for abbrev.

RESILIENCE (R.) is self-righting – the ability to handle losses, set-backs or disappointments & then to recover afterward, even if there’s some residual anger, fear or anxiety – BUT with grace, dignity & NO self-recrimination.

❖ DANGER
Review: As kids, ACoAs had to deal with constant trauma, tragedy & loss, which forced us to develop a variety of coping skills (defenses) that turned into unhealthy life-patterns as adults. They’d hardened into a block of grey, dirty ice – so thoroughly – that we’ve lost the connection to our funny, soft, easy, free child-self. Now we’re run mostly by our damaged Adapted child (WIC) who still listens to the PP-Introject, & sometimes the PP takes over & we sound just like ‘them’. UGH!

One such unhealthy pattern is rigidity – the inability to ‘go with the flow’, not handle change, especially unexpected ones, not able to see thing in shades of grey – only as B & W – not accept opposing viewpoints, not see others as separate being ….

Rigidity (mental & emotional stiffness) is a product of accumulated terror, & it’s team-mate is resentment (fear + anger) toward anyone who doesn’t provide our needs or wants.
It’s an unconscious determination to fight a losing battle with reality (denial), because to admit what we know about our alcoholic, narcissistic, co-dependent family feel too dangerous to our false sense of self-protection. Rigidity is a defense against feeling vulnerable – the Inner Child’s desperate way to hide its True Self from the onslaught of all the PMES abuses we suffered growing up.

❖ PROTECTION
Rigidity is the enemy of Resilience (R.), and resilience is imperative for going beyond survival – to living well. Resilience affects how we function every day – healthy ways of interacting & negotiating with ourselves, others & our world.
More than 50 years of research tells us that R. includes having optimism / hope, managing strong or difficult emotions, having a deep sense of safety, & needing a strong social support system. Most everyone, regardless of age or circumstance, has the capacity for resilience, which is built into the human spirit, & so can be tapped into.

Studies of at-risk youths, in different parts of the world, repeatedly identified 3 major protective environmental factors that can buffer or insulate children from the impact of adversity (poverty, family chaos, dangerous locations, illness or disabilities ….), & help to nourish personal strength.
These must have been provided during their early years from either family, school, community, or peer groups:
1. Caring relationships (at least one)
2. High expectations (for success)
3. Opportunities to Participate & Contribute
**  To effectively form a basis for resilience, these 3 need to be combined – & can come from any one of 4 environments ⬅️. (Truebridge & Benard)

ACoAs: These 3 protective benefits – from external sources – were hardly available to us growing up. While we are indeed survivors – intelligent, caring, clever, generous, resourceful….. most of our best qualities are used to benefit others (the addicts, the immature) BUT rarely for ourself!

✳ Along with food and shelter, children need love & trust, hope & autonomy. Along with a safe physical haven, they need safe relationships that provide friendships & commitment. They need loving support, self-confidence, & faith in themself & their world – all of which builds resilience (R.).

NOW – as adults, we need to wrap ourselves in the power of Resilience, by uncovering & strengthening the core characteristics we were born with, that when combined to make up our True Self . It’s the stable foundation we’ve always longed for & should have gotten as kids, based on knowing who we are, so life’s troubles don’t have to keep knocking us out for as long – like before.
That means that we need to turn those same gifts toward ourself, to heal the wounded child part.
*️⃣ Good news: R. is a process – not an inborn character trait.  It’s based on a concrete set of skills & behaviors, & so can be leaned.

NOTE for ACoAs: Identifying & developing our resilience-qualities is what Recovery is all about! To do that we have to S & I – slowly outgrowing our addictive attachment to our unhealthy upbringing.

NEXT: ACoAs & Resilience #2