SITEs: 32 Double Binds
FOR the DATING Man : “Rock-Solid Frame Control with the Women You Like”
Frames define / explain the immediate moment & overall interaction – NLP’s frame vs meta-frame. Whoever is setting the frame is controlling the interaction by creating the context for everything that happens within it.
Double Binds (DBs) are basically a way of forcing a frame on the R that the Sender (S) wants to exist in an interaction
❖ ‘Normal’ FRAME CONTROL : The S’s legitimate degree of expectation-setting (what they want), AND the degree of the R‘s understanding of those expectations.
🔸Frames take time to develop since they’re based on repeated experiences, which form our assumptions about how things will turn out or how we think they’re supposed to be.
The effects of normal framing are like optical illusions. Do we see the glass half full or half-empty? Did you & your ex ‘break up,’ or did he/she ‘dump you?’ You hear a noise at the front door – are you scared (you’re all alone) OR feel happy (expecting your lover)?….
◽️D.Binds rely on the Victim’s (R) desire to figure out & then try to obey what the Perpetrator (S) seems to want, who then thwarts that possibility
❖ PARTS : One of the ways we figure out our environment is by deciding what to include in each experience: which parts are relevant & which can or should be ignored?
◽️ D.Binds take away our ability to make those decision or have options
❖ WORDS : The specific words used, when combined with the setting (DMs – #1), create a feedback loop that guides & shapes our interaction with others. The choice of language for each type of basic frame is crucial, because its verbal images, story lines & emotions can evoke higher-level moral & theoretical frames.
◽️ D.Messages include lower level components but disregard logic & morality, leaving us at the mercy of the puppet master
❖ VALID frames are made up of a group of logical & related ideas, & all the pieces must be known in order to understand the whole. (If you only hear one side of a phone conversation you can’t know what it’s really about.)
• Equally – to understand any one piece of info, the whole system (context) has to be understood. (If you only hear the word ‘whore’ you don’t know if it’s an insult, a metaphor, part of a story, a religious reference….).
• On the other hand, individual words can represent a whole category of information, so introducing one idea (a past ‘moment’) can form a complete picture from our store of memories & experiences. But the words, phrases & images have to be understandable & logical.
EXP: ‘Dope’ can mean a narcotic in one frame, & “that’s great” in another. In one frame both meanings are positive (by who’s speaking), but in a completely different frame ‘dope’ is harmful, & using the word to mean ‘great’ makes no sense (to ‘straights’)
◽️ D.Messages juxtapose opposing concepts as if they belonged together, making them both irrational. This misuse of language sets the stage for confusing & then controlling another person
❖ INVALID frame: In group therapy Lina complains that after only one year of marriage, her husband ‘unfairly’ divorced her, even though they love each other, because his teenage daughter from a previous marriage violently objects to their union.
The group is confused. Why didn’t she fight for her marriage? Why couldn’t they work it out? Why is the father so affected by the girl?….
What Lena LEFT OUT of her story – is that:
a) her husband is an active alcoholic, & won’t get ‘help’ of any kind
b) his first wife is Lena’s older sister, so she’s known him for many years
c) her husband’s daughter is also her niece, whom she helped raise from infancy!
No wonder the girl is upset! AND why Lena was in a BD!
◽️D.Binds are neither meaningful nor valid, because they create unsound frames that violate the rules of logic, totally slanted to only suit the Sender. (“How we think…”)
NEXT: DBs (Part 5a) – Options