natural child

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

love the kid
I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME
to stop & talk to the kid!

PREVIOUS: Talking to the Inner Child (#1)

POST: “How to Dialogue with your I.C.”

 

🗣 FORMS of Self-Talk (Part 1)

1. OUR PROCRASTINATION to Dialoguing
Putting off talking WITH our Inner Child (inconsistently OR not at all) is another example of the insidious delaying tactic many ACoAs are plagued by. It represents resistance to self-care, either from the WIC or PigP.
Many times we put off taking actions, even ones we would like to do, because we can’t make a decision. Our thinking is thoroughly confused by having several conflicting points of view about something & we don’t know how to parse them out. Which one is right?

🔸 This hamster-in-the-wheel thinking can include :
🗣 the real ‘voice’ of a mentor, friend or relative, ➕our own —hamster wheel
• the PigP, society’s rules & religious beliefs as CDs
• the WIC’s fear, hopelessness & self-hate
• possibly the Healthy Child’s intuition / wishes
• sometimes even the rational Adult voice….
…… all at the board meeting in our head, vying to be heard & trying to win over the others

When this happens on a regular basis it does NOT means we’re crazy. It DOES mean we don’t have an clear sense of our own identity & permission to ‘know what I know’.

However, as we connect with our True Self – our general human rights &  specific needs – we can separate out the various internal voices, choosing the one most fitting to us & the current situation, via the healthy Adult. The others we ignored as irrelevant, incorrect or harmful

When ACoAs in Recovery are asked “Why don’t you talk to your Inner Child at all, OR if you do occasionally, then why not every day?” –  the most common response is “I don’t know” – with a lilt & a shrug. We know we’re supposed to but we have so many ‘reasons’ for not doing it!

RESISTANCE
✳️ MAIN excuse for refusing to talk to our Inner Child is:
⚠️ I don’t woma & circleswant to connect with the pain that will come up: “I hate the kid – it only causes me trouble. It’s always messing things up for me! I want it to go away because it hurts when I do let it surface, AND I’m terrified I’ll uncover some deep dark trauma I can’t handle”

ANS: Re. ‘causing trouble’ – as long as we ignore that younger, hurt part of us, it’ll keep jumping up & down, & biting us in the butt. Only when we consistently dialogue with the WIC will it stop causing us problems
Re. fear of ‘uncovering’ – actually, we already know all our deepest darkest horrors. Originally we had to shove it under a mental carpet or lock it away in the dungeon of our subconscious, but we never really forgot the main events.
What we’ve resisted knowing / feeling is how truly abusive & damaging our family was, & so we ‘cope’ by cutting off & distracting ourselves.

Re. the Pain – We can only fully face early trauma when we have enough self-soothing skills via a good Inner Parent, a decent support system for guidance & comfort, & internal permission to feel all our Es without S-H.
❗️AND – not all our emotions are painful. We also feel excitement, pleasure, enjoyment, relief….

With Recovery comes a deeper, clearer understanding of what happened TO us & why! We must believe in our bones that we did not cause our damage, which will allow us to go deeper.
It takes a certain amount of healing to tolerate re-feeling the backlog of old pain, which is provided by Ego Strength : “the ability to maintain emotional stability while coping with internal & external stressors”.

In any case, (whether able to face old pain or not), we need to develop a rapport with the Child, which means talking with it throughout the day about anything & everything – the weather, the colors we like, what we’re going to do after work, what book to read or show to watch…. No topic is too trivial! It’s time to heal our sad little one & the angry teen, & only love heals. Information is important, but love is the medicine.

NEXT: Resist Talking to the I.C. (Part 3)

Ego States – CHILD (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,


PREVIOUS: NATURAL Child ES

SITE: Comfort bags : emotional first aid kit (includes SONGS for the IC)

CES = child ego state  //  AES = adult ES  // PES  = parent ES
NC = Natural C.  // AC = Adapted C.(WIC)

1. NATURAL Child (Part 2)

2. ADAPTED Child (+AC) – It is a normal & necessary aspect of all human beings, the part that learns about & adapts to what is expected of us in our particular society, so we know who we are & how to survive.
It incorporates the lessons of our family, school, society & religion – molded in childhood, every day from every aspect of our early environment.child aspects

Our Adapted Child part learns how to behave under the influence of its family, in ways the parents would like it to be – obedient & precocious, or reserved & scholarly, or aggressive & vindictive….

❇️ For kids from functional homes, it’s formed around healthy rules & values, which then translates into well-adjusted, self-caring grownups who contribute their special abilities to society.

POSITIVE QUALITIES
🔅 Adapts, adjusts, fits in, reconciles itself to its environment
🔅 Absorbs values, mores, rules & restrictions of its society
🔅 Conforms to gender-specific messages & other norms
🔅 Contains the development of social skills & appropriate behavior

IMPORTANT : The Natural & Adapted Self are not automatically in agreement. Even in healthy environments (home, school, culture, religion) the 2 part of us can have different needs, desires & dreams.
EXP: What if the NS is born to be a talented artist / actor…., but the AC is required to be an academic, or macho sports hero, or business leader…..? ☆ How developed the Natural Self becomes over time will determine which one eventually wins out.
🔻          🔺           🔻
For ACoAs, the ADAPTED C.(-AC) ▲  is our wounded part (WIC), in reaction to wounding caregivers. It has to adapt in harmful ways BY rescuing, over-conformed & easily manipulated, being helpless or self-destructive…. It’s made up of our:
Ts – accumulated memories of many traumatic events
Es – all the pain (loneliness, despair, shame, hurt, humiliation….)
As – the child’s coping behaviors (caretaking adults & siblings, fighting, hiding, lying, studying…. )

For everyone, the normal Child includes sometimes being unpleasant – having resistance, hostility or reactivity – when feeling uncomfortable or threatened (a new siblings, a poor school grade, a divorce, a serious illness….), but most of the time they don’t have to worry.

BUT for ACoAs – our sense of dread & anxiety in childhood came from being constantly stressed (neglect, abuse, confusion, losses), so the -AC:
• became our False Self, developed as the only way to cope in childhood
• overshadows the True Self, so we may not even know who we truly are
• prevents us from having access to a Healthy Adult
• denies the intuition & emotional intelligence of our Natural Child

All kids come up with strategies to get through difficult situations, but when a child endlessly needs to protect itself, those strategies become a habit, then armor or a wall, the default position used in all situations, no matter what the circumstance.

Characteristics of the -AC ego state
PSYCHOLOGY
• Assumes it is the ‘Real Self’, being the only one a person knows, but is not
• Believes it’s protecting itself, but prevents our normal / universal needs from being met correctly
• Compulsively obeys the Toxic family RULES
• Emotions include anxiety, envy, guilt, rage
• Houses the Toxic ROLES – Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot
BEHAVIOR
• Acts from Victim, Rescuer or Bully position
• Can over-compensate, becoming aggressive or rebellious
• Is over-controlled or can be controlling (copying thbad WICe Introject)
• Lacks genuine confidence. Not able or willing to accept balanced, appropriate responsibility
• Weak boundaries, so gives in to unreasonable demands from others – OR
• Walled up, so is always deprived &/or withholding

As the WIC, the -AC reacts to the world around it by either changing itself to fit in (‘good girls/boy’), or rebelling against all forces it encounters (as enemies)

If a ‘normal’ grown-up temporarily regresses to this ego state, they’ll experience inner needs & the outer world as they did in one of their earlier developmental stages. In that state, although seemingly in the present, they’re actually reacting to a current situation thru childhood mental & emotional lenses. But it doesn’t last.

NEXT: Child E.S.

Ego States – CHILD (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

Inner children
I CAN FEEL ALL MY EMOTIONS
when I connect with my Child part

PREVIOUS: ADULT E.S. (Part 3)

CES = child ego state
AES = adult   ”     ”
PES  = parent  ”    ”
NC = natural child / AC = Adapted C.

GENERAL
Everyone has a CHILD Ego State (CES) – the earliest stage of our development, forming our personality in the first 5-7 yrs of life. Similar in many ways to the Freudian concept of id, it operates on the pleasure principle, automatically & persistently aimed at gratifying & fulfilling needs – but available on a conscious level.

We continue in child mode well into our late teens & early 20s, through 7 developmental stages.(“Cycles of Power” by Pamela Levin). For the rest of life the CES is both an influence (what we think & feel inside) & a state (looking & acting like the little person we once were).

CHILD e.s.🌺 It’s called “archaeo-psyche” because it’s a collection of taped & stored info – behaviors, thoughts & feelings held over from childhood.
In T. A. terms, it’s made up of the Natural /Free Child (NC) – our fundamental identity – overlaid by the Adapted Child (AC), healthy or unhealthy, developed in response to our environment which are ‘understood’ as filtered through our natural tendencies (Part 2,3)

Its goal is to feel pleasure & avoid pain – no matter how or at what cost. It’s focused on Self needs only, even when relating to others or trying to being helpful : “I want, Don’t leave me, I refuse, You can’t make me, I don’t wanna, I want you to….”

This does not mean it’s a bad aspect, to be gotten rid of. We need it, since it holds the seeds of our native qualities, as well as the wounds that influence later behavior. It’s just that as adults it’s not healthy to be ruled by the Child. (See ‘Contamination’)

✦ This E.S. is mainly the domain of the ‘felt’ – the Right brain. Before we were able to talk (Left), our whole world was about feelings & sensations!
So most, but not all, of our emotions (Es) – including all the old stored up ones – reside in the C. part of us
brain sidesFor ACoAs, it is our NC that has mainly been suppressed, ignored, almost crushed. Early on it had to go into hiding to preserve itself from overwhelming harm.
However, it shows up anyway, perhaps sideways – when we use our natural talents – in business, in the arts, in science…. BUT without Recovery we don’t believe they have value, assuming we’re frauds. ◎ Healing works to help us own & happily appreciate them.

▶ In CHILDHOOD
Before we have the grown-up components of the Adult & Parent, we develop rudimentary aspects of them – the Child’s versions of them (+FC), along with the basic tendencies we’re born with – the C’s C. Eventually these 3 parts become the essence of the Inner Child E.S. no matter how old we are. (see Second Order E.S. Map).

C. e.s.✦ C’s Parent – sometimes called mother’s ‘Little Helper‘.  Kids, even very small ones, will help a drunk parent up the stairs, rock their dolly to sleep, care for a pet… OR be bossy, lecture other kids, copy their parents’ way of treating their younger siblings…
⚒ Electrode (zaps you with a toxic command, causing a knee-jerk reaction), Witch Mother or Fairy Godmother

✦ C’s Adult – trying to do ‘grownup’ things, even before they’re ready, going to the store or school – alone, ‘being in charge’, showing off their cleverness & knowledge… trying to figure out how things work…. BUT without enough info or mature ego states to process everything correctly
⚒ The Little Professor

✦ C’s Child – our most basic self, the core of our identity, the most vulnerable part, aspect of ourself which, as adults, has often been suppressed to the point of being invisible.  This part is composed of our physical self, instincts, biological urges, genetic recordings, and how we learn, our level of sensitivity, social preferences, the full range of emotions – from great joy to great pain, down to how we like our eggs cooked! 
⚒ Magical Child or Little Fascist

NEXT: CHILD E.S. (Part 2)