false power

ACoAs WANTING REVENGE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

little devilsMAKE THEM SUFFER !
The same way they made me suffer!

Post: ANGER CATEGORY #12 – Retaliatory

POSTS: Parents Blaming Us / ‘Shame’ / ‘Guilt’


DEF: REVENGE, Vengeance, Retribution, – injury inflicted as punishment in return for abuse received
• To plot revenge – the bitter desire / obsession / plannimg to injure another for a wrong done to oneself, a loved one or others like oneself
• To avenge – actually exact satisfaction for a sense of injury, following a wrong received. Any form of personal action against an individual, institution, or group for some perceived harm or injustice.

1. AS CHILDREN
😡 Many of us hated one or more parents for their neglect & cruelty – but that was to-o-o dangerous to admit! We wished they were dead or that we were.
BOOK: “So the Witch Won’t Eat Me” by Dorothy Bloch (NY psychoanalyst) gives an excellent explanation in her intro.

a. External CAUSES
Growing up, our parents & other adults:
• neglected, attacked & humiliated us, assumed the worst of us… blamed us unfairly for everything
• AND didn’t allow us to defend ourself, never bothered to ask for our point of view or experience, didn’t believe us, weren’t on our side nor defended us

b. Internal – As children WE:
• are vulnerable to & at the mercy of our caregivers
• think in B & W, simple cause & effect, so a believe in JUSTICE – that the world SHOULD be fair
• AND, assume we’re the center of everything, therefore everything that happens to us is about us (good or bad)!
SO
It makes sense to a kid’s mind that, when our parents hurt us —
• they were justified in what they were doing to or not doing for – us
• somehow we caused it, even if we couldn’t figure out what we did wrong
• we deserved whatever was dished out: “The gods punish us for our own good (a lesson) & because we deserve it (being bad)!”
BUT
• we were in constant, intense pain.  Even though we had no choice but to accept blame, still – we wanted it to STOP! Of course.
• no one else seemed to notice or care – no one helped (maybe someone did try, but it didn’t work out & we stayed trapped)
• we couldn’t get any justice from them (they didn’t care how their abuse effected us)
• they got away with it – were never held accountable! UNFAIR
AND
• we tried & tried – to figure it out, to change ourselves and get them to change, to protect ourself & others in the family
• but nothing got better, so we got more & more frustrated and hopeless
• failing to MAKE adults stop hurting us, our sense of danger never left

• whivoodooch led to getting angrier & angrier. Being powerless in an unsafe family, especially one that was actually life-threatening – will always generate RAGE
• and after all – fair is fair – eventually we began to have fantasies of REVENGE, to even the score, so the world would be in balance again.

Without help, comfort or a way of escape, we had to suppress the pain as best we could, but our fantasies scared us.
We could’t attack our parents directly, because —
– we were too dependent on them
– they had some positive qualities we used so as to deny the bad ones
– it wasn’t safe to rebel outright (severely punished if we did try)

We needed to deny our fury at them. We weren’t big or strong enough to punish ‘those mean, stupid adults’ the way they deserved, so we did the next ‘best’ thing :
• Masochism, Revenge in REVERSE – some took it out on ourself (self-mutilation, fantasies of being hurt/ tortured, tried suicide either directly or by dangerous activities….) as a way to punish our abandoners

• Sadism – directly abusing others : As kids, some of us hurt smaller, younger, weaker things, such as:
— an older child hitting, hurting or even killing a new child in the family
— physically torturing birds, cats….
— stealing, hiding or breaking other’s toys & possessions
— bullying (at home, neighbor kids, at school, later – on line….)
— making fun of someone’s disability…

NEXT: Wanting Revenge #2

SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

addictionsI CAN’T GIVE UP
the only ‘truth’ I know

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & S-H #2

QUOTEs:
🔻 “I won’t sleep if that’s what it takes to not wake up as myself”
∼ Casey Renee Kiser, Hold Me Under: Poems to Drown to

😰”To keep my mind occupied when I can’t sleep – some people count sheep. I self-loathe.” ∼ Rainbow Rowell, Attachments

🥶 “Hostility, malice & sadism are the result of helplessness & self-loathing – all produced by adaptation to a hypercritical social reality, & are not attributable to innate aggression.” ∼ Arno Gruen, Swiss-German psychologist

FoO = Family of origin

1. DEFINITION
2. SOURCES of Self-Hate (S-H)

3. PURPOSE of S-H is TO:
• keep from risking any change via S & I (fear that letting go = being forever alone)
• keep us attached to the family (stave off deep loneliness)
• prevent us from dealing with ‘ugly emotions’ like our rage, envy, longing, hopelessness….
• protect our fantasy of having good, loving, safe parents
• protect us from feeling the reservoir of old abandonment pain
• protect us from Growing up, taking care of ourselves (we want to be taken care of! no matter the cost to ourself or others)

WHY is it SO HARD to GIVE UP S-H?
The above reasons are all part of the answer, but the MAIN one is that:
It gives us a FALSE SENSE of POWER! How?
Since every child is self-centered, which is human-normal, they think everything is about them – that whatever happens in or around them has to do with them.
The child’s logic says: “I’m in pain, & somehow I caused it. Therefore I CAN / must stop them from hurting me, if I can just figure out how!”

• Then we spend the rest of our childhood (& well into adulthood, until Recovery) trying different ways to FIX whatever the problem was & may still be – re :
US – by re-inventing ourselves (must be the origin of this USA craze), trying on different ‘personae‘ (be the perfect kid, the trouble maker, the helper, get good grades, be invisible, don’t have any needs, be funny…)
AND re :
THEM – by trying to make our parents see reason, get sober, get help, leave the marriage, get taken care of by us, cover up for them, fix their ‘craziness’, cater to their every whim….

Unfortunately NONE of our EFFORTS WORKED! In most cases ‘they’ didn’t change, didn’t listen, wouldn’t stop – drinking, raging, being unsuccessful, molesting, beating us, leaving, cheating, berating, controlling….!
But we kept trying, always asking: What’s wrong with ME?

• Even if some of our parents did stop drinking,
— it was NOT because of our efforts. We assumed their ‘sobriety’ was, because we were extra good, prayed really hard or badgered them into it
— very few were willing to do the deeper work to become healthier human beings, so mostly they were just “Dry Drunks”. So their unhealed narcissism kept on hurting us.
RESULT -in us- was an intense feeling of failure!

• This is why so many ACoAs believe we’re FRAUDS – that people will eventually, inevitably FIND OUT.
Q: Find out what?
A: “Since I couldn’t make my parents/ family get well, be happy & be there for me – I’m not capable of and NEVER will be able ably to -succeed at anything else!” (WIC logic)

It’s an assumption ACoAs are not usually aware of, but glued to us by anxiety, and believed both by the less accomplished AND the most outwardly successful ACoAs, pre-FoO Recovery. Unfortunately, what we don’t realize is that the fundamental premise is false :
No child
— ever caused the adults’ messes
— was ever responsible for making them better! AND
— can fix anyone else

NEXT: ACoAs & S-H #4