acoa recovery

Relationship FORM A. (Part 1)

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discussing 

RELATIONSHIPS ARE SUCH A PAIN!
I’m always dealing with some c—-p!

PREVIOUS:
Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


FORM A: “IF I WERE TO LET YOU…”
ABOUT: ACoAs did not have good role models for communicate clearly, directly & honestly.
• We became afraid & ashamed to say what we really mean, how we feel emotionally & what we want or need. So it takes courage TO:
— practice listening to what we’re thinking (usually negative), & writing down our inner mental reactions to every aspect of our life
— have the courage to recognize, admit & verbalize our emotions – not just a few, like anxiety or annoyance, but the whole range
— hear the difference between thoughts (always sentences) & emotions (always one word for each)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF I WERE TO LET YOU  (As)  ___________________________
I WOULD FEEL (Es) _________________________________
& I’M AFRAID of THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE (Ts) ____________
_______________________________________________
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM (A)_____________________________
BY (As & words (Ts) ____________________________________
even thought I’ll still end up angry & resentful (Es),  that’s
LESS SCARY than having to experience or:
a. FEEL (Es) _______________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH my (As & Ts) _____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. WHO
• You’ll need to know about T.E.A. ( thoughts, emotions, actions), to fill it in accurately. This is NOT about blame!Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 4.10.17 AM
• For it to be most helpful, both people need be able & willing to be emotionally & mentally honest – which is not always possible

• IF YOU are dealing with someone who is shut down, hostile, defensive &/or uninterested – you may still choose to show them the filled-out form, but be clear that you will NOT get what you want

2. WHAT: This is a standard form for 2 people in any kind of personal relationship – friends, lovers, mates, siblings… A starting point, only!
• ★ It’s specifically about a possible/ probable future action of the person you’re dealing with – and your reaction to that possibility
• It does not offer a correction or shift in perspective, or a Recovery way of responding. That has to be added by you
• Part 1 & 2 give examples of how to use it.  Keep several blank copies handy, for when one of you is bugged about something

EXP 1:
IF I WERE TO LET YOU – go to the party without me
I WOULD FEEL – lost & alone
I’M AFRAID OF THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE – you’ll find someone else who’ll be more interesting & attractive to you
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM – going
BY – making you feel guilty / starting a fight / whining / getting sick ….
EVEN THO’ I END UP FEELING guilty & selfish, that would be LESS SCARY than having to FEEL – unwanted
& DEAL WITH –  the possibility of loosing you, which feels unbearable

3. THEN: Once you’ve filled it out, you will want the other person to read & respond. However, that may not always happen. If you’re with someone who is unwilling to cooperate, that’s a clear signal for you to evaluate the relationship.

However, if the other person has read it, wait patiently for the response. It may not be a new problem between you.
Re. this EXP, DO THEY? :
✐ try to placate you by people-pleasing
✐ respond thoughtfully, kindly, without being defensive
✐ insult, belittle, yell, justify, or divert attention from the issue
✐ decide to stay home so you won’t be mad at them? …..

WAYS to COPE, no matter the outcome
Re. YOU:
• Take a moment for yourself –  Give the WIC a hug & say: “You’ll be OK, I’m here, you’re never alone.”
• Consider if your assumptions are valid or not.  Are you ‘awful-izing’, or basing it on experience & intuition?  If it’s only your WIC reacting again, take time to deal with it lovingly
• If you need help, call someone else (appropriate) to share your distress with, rather than creating drama. Go to a Al-Anon ACA or SLA Meeting. Read some comforting or spiritual material to help with the FoA. Go to a movie or to a friend’s place.

Re THEM:
• If you can, admit your FoA to the other person (fear of abandonment) & simply state that you will feel sad & alone if they go without you. They may not be able or willing to take you along, no matter how you feel. That’s their right.

• If you are invited – but NOT out of co-dependence or guilt, then go & enjoy. If not, make an alternate plan, for something you’ll like, on your own or with friends. Always have plan B

• IF you know you’re not just being jealous, & your concern is based on ;
✐ past experience or things the other person has said (threaten to leave, insensitive to your feelings…)
✐ you’ve had a nagging feeling or the ‘icK’ factor about them for a while, but you’ve been in denial….

…. then your FoA (that they’ll find someone else) may be realistic. Consider this minor event as a signal that something deeper is wrong – they may not BE safe or suitable for you, at all! You could start looking around – yourself.
Remember: “I know what I know”!

NEXT: Form A. (Part 2) Another example

Infatuation, Sexual or Romantic Chemistry

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HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT
But how do I feel?

Review: Relationship Continuum & following posts

 

NOTE to Readers: If you’re interested in these topics & the other charts from the book “The Love Test”,  you can also do additional book & internet searches to read variations about these issues.  The lists below are only one version – to get you thinking & to give you a place to start from.


You may notice some similar characteristics from the previous 2 posts.

NEXT : Relationship Form A, (Part 1)

 

 

ROMANTIC ATTRACTION – Qs (Part 2)

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dancing 

I WANT TO BUILD MY LIFE AROUND YOU –
I hope you feel the same way!

Part 1: R.A.Qs, 1-30

POST: FRIENDS Inventory

INVENTORY (cont)
➼  Print out Part 1 & 2.  Put a check mark in the column which best fits your responses about a specific person: _____________ (🧡)

• Use #1 as the weakest to #5 as the strongest feeling you have about each statement. Do NOT consider #5 as ‘perfect’, only as intensity
• If you don’t know or are confused, mark #3.  You can always go back later & fill the ‘blanks’ or reevaluate your answers

• Take your time considering the Qs – think about your own experience with each person AND what you know about them
• If possible, have your partner take the same test
• Total up each column & then add them all together.

👁 See below – to interpret your scores

EVALUATION
Add up each column (1-5) – for both Parts 1 & 2. Combine all columns , to get one number for your Romantic Attraction (R.A.)
• 180 -200 = Little or no romantic interest, so it’s not likely to work out, no matter how much one of you may wants it
• 200 – 220 = Weak R.A., indicating borderline interest
• 220 – 260 = Strong R.A., enough for a relationship to be satisfying if both of you fall in this range
260 – 300 = Very high R.A., indicating a strong compatibility, if both have similar scores

• If one of you scores below 200 & the other is over 220 – especially after several tries – expect the relationship to just run its course.  Enjoy what you can & then move on
• If both of you score below 200, you’re not suited for romance, unsatisfied
BUT it makes it easier to have a satisfying & long-lasting friendship, if you want to & there are enough compatible interests

REVIEW – ACoAs (& unrecovered addicts in general) usually have relationships:
• based on interlocking damage with another person
• driven by our WIC & PP, rather than the True Self
• just to keep from feeling alone & abandoned, no matter how unsatisfying or harmful
• trying to get the good parenting we never got in childhood – from someone else, instead of from Ourself & H.P.
• that act out our deepest fears & greatest wounds
rejectionWe’re afraid:
• to stand up for ourselves – say what we want or don’t want
• that we won’t ever be able to choose better friends & lovers
• our family will disapprove of / not accept our choices
• to risk ‘everything’ on our Inner Truth

➼ A secondary GOAL of this kind of QUIZ is to get us thinking about the positive qualities we can own in ourself, as well as those we need to be looking for in partners & friends. Then we can grow into being comfortable & happy in any relationship
• Romantic excitement can not be manufactured or forced if it doesn’t already exist, but all good relationships require a level of emotional maturity, which can be improved on with continuing effort & the right tools.

NEXT: Infatuation…

ROMANTIC ATTRACTION – Qs (Part 1)

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old fahionedHOW DO I FEEL ABOUT YOU?
I’m thinking, I’m thinking!

PREVIOUS: Infatuation, Sexual…..

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POST: FRIENDS Inventory

TO LIKE OR NOT TO LIKE, that is the question   🙂
ACoAs are often confused about their thoughts & emotions regarding others.
We  :
• were DIScouraged from knowing needs, preferences, dislikes
• & now are not allowed to have them even if we do know
• are more worried about how others feel about us – if they’ll approve or be angry at us, which leave us….
• in conflict between the damaged (WIC) & our developing Recovery (UNIT) voices

BESIDES being given distorted thinking, ACoAs grow up with little or no information about what ‘normal’ is, to help us figure out what’s going on in our head & with others.
These 2 posts list 60 questions to find out about your thoughts & emotions:
happy couple• regarding a new romance or marriage partner – OR
• review how you feel now about someone you’ve been in relationship with for a while (even yrs) but may be wondering how to evaluate it

Taken from “The Love Test” book by Harold Bessell, PhD, 1984
• The quiz is measures the degree of excitement about a specific person, & your desire for a permanent intimate relationship – sexual, mental, emotional & spiritual – with them. The focus is on the person-to-person factor, not sexual interest

• Research suggests that 6 out of 7x, a strong romantic attraction can dissipate within 3-4 months. If the desires remains after that rime, with enough contact it will likely continue for many years

• The 4 month rule doesn’t apply if there is physical distance, a fantasy connection (letters, email…) or an attraction to someone who’s not truly available. An interest in this type of lover will usually dissipate in a few days if you  spend face-to-face time with the real person

• Also, when someone has a ‘fear of intimacy’, living together or getting married may actually trigger withdrawing affection & sexual closeness. This disruption of the bond with a loved one is not from lack of compatibility but rather a person’s unresolved ifear of intimacy

• When taking the test, you will get the best results if you are NOT too tired, depressed, angry, sad, frightened or overwhelmed. If any of these emotions persist, take the test several times & see if there is a combined average
• There are no wrong answers – only your honest evaluation.
💋
INVENTORY info in Part 2  (Qs, 31-60)
➼  Print out Part 1 & 2.  Put a check mark in the column which best fits your responses about a specific person: _____________ (🧡)

NOTE: Evaluate previous partners & compare. Look for a pattern of qualities missing in any of them. Is that a coincidence?
👀 You may be able to use some of these Qs to evaluate a family member, friends, a mentor…. leaving out the romance / sex part.
🌹 Be gentle on yourself at all times, but especially if you’re a “survivor”.

NEXT : Questionnaire 31-60

‘TRYING TO LEAVE YOU’ Stages (Part 3)

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stay sadPREVIOUS: “Trying to leave you” (#2)

 

STYLES of  ‘Leaving’

1. ACoA AVOIDERS (see Part 1)
COMMENTS
Re. ACoAs: It’s hard to make notes for each stage separately because we are so extreme – not going thru the steps at all, going thru them all in the first few weeks, or staying for years even when we know better….  We too experience endings (leaving or being left), but suffer more that people who are less wounded. So these are general observations of ACoA patterns

LEAVING:  Regardless of our style, personality type, previous experiences…. when we can’t bear it anymore – we leave, but rarely in a healthy way:
a. Even though weither ore know a friendship or relationship is dead & hopeless, we desperately try to hang on, begging, chasing, manipulating, threatening to kill ourselves….
OR
b. We cut someone off – cold turkey, without explanation – & refuse any opportunity for closure.  If the partner or friend is the Clinging type, they will be unprepared & dumbfounded.
We are angry or fed up. We don’t want to deal with their abandonment issues, their tantrums, their sulking & self hate. We don’t want to get sucked back in. Our boundaries are not strong enough & it’s just not healthy

c. One or both create such drama, fighting, emotional upheaval – that the only possible outcome is an explosion & then the big split.  We don’t want to feel our abandonment pain either – anger is a cheap, fast & sometimes cruel or physically dangerous way to get out

d. For some, no matter how bad the situation, there’s no leaving at all – only an ending when one partner dies
e. Some ACoAs are capable of more appropriate exits, but it’s rare

STYLES
1. ACoA AVOIDERS: Some ACoAs are so afraid of commitment, being trapped, being abused & then left, that they don’t have avoidersany love relationships, don’t make long-term connection, or only have short serial relationships, friends, jobs…

• If they try, they’ll go thru the 5 Stages very quickly – or stop at #2 – over & over,
♝ always finding fault with any hint of imperfection, OR
♝ always picking people & situations that reproduce the original abuse & abandonment, OR
♝ not giving healthy people a chance to develop connections that would be beneficial & uplifting

2. ACoA CLINGERS
a. Fantasy
• ACoAs often start relationships in a fantasy fog of symbiosis, all hopeful & excited. There may be very little thought, just a whirlwind of emotions (Es).
Or the thought is: ‘This time it will be different’

• Then the dis-illusionment. The other person says or does something so unacceptable – to us- that it breaks the trance of togetherness.  It may be :
✐ something TOO healthy (setting a boundary, not rescuing),disillusioned OR
✐ something truly hurtful / abusive / disappointing, OR
✐ it’s just that they triggered an old wound of ours.

• We may object, complain, attack…. but we stay rather than start over. We don’t investigate the actual source of our own reaction, & accept the unacceptable, spending all our effort covering up the problems. And then feel depressed.

b. Denial
• We convince ourselves the situation isn’t really that bad – that the mate / job / parent / sponsor / friend … has some ‘superior’ qualities we can’t live without. They may have, but it’s just crumbs, compared to the problems!

• Some of us even KNEW before we got married that this was not the right person – while walking down the aisle, but went thru with it anyway. (like Princess Diana….)

c. Shame (see posts) is caused by currently having any need some up that was regularly abused or neglected in childhood. Many ACoAs consider the Need for Love as a character defect. But needs never goe away. SO we keep picking people whose damage guarantees our continued abandonment!

c. Control
tug_of_war• We make a huge effort to change the other person so we don’t have to leave, instead of changing ourselves. We badger, cajole, lecture, push, punish, bribe, manipulate. We get back only more resistance – of course!
• We spend a lot time punishing the other person for not being who & what we want, instead of moving on or letting go of our demands & expectations of another.

NEXT: Part 4 (Clingers d. – j.)

‘TRYING TO LEAVE YOU’ Stages (Part 1)

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 WE’RE NOT the SAME ANYMORE –
What’s happening to ‘us’?

PREVIOUS: “Getting to know you” (Part 5)

REVIEW: ‘Relationship Continuum‘

BOOK :“Communication Patterns & Couple (Dis)satisfaction”.

Communication Indicators of DISSOLUTION
These 5 breaking-up stages are the ‘normal’ process of separating. The amount of time varies based on individual personalities, the length of the association & the type of relationship.
• The stages are listed ‘backwards’, from most intimate to most distant: #5 = Differentiation,  4 = Limiting,  3 = Stagnating, 2 = Avoiding, 1 = Terminating. The process applies to all types of relationships, not just romantic.

ENDINGS can be made by one or both parties:
▶ When it’s mutual ….
a. …but not openly acknowledged:
both people become less & less interested & there’s a gradual fading of interactions.  There may be several attempt to -sort of- talk about it, & maybe one who is trying to fix it.
It can take a long time to actually end (this approach is more likely to be used by people with anxiety)

b. …and more direct: the couple is likely to have arguments or fights, each blaming the other, OR separation is negotiated & agreed on (less likely to try repairing)

▶ When it’s one-sided ….
a. …if the end is in sight, & the ‘leaving’ person’s reaction is indirect – they’ll withdraw, avoid contact or get more annoying to be around, drop hints, try to be friends, manipulate
b. …if it’s more direct – the person will talk about what has gone wrong in the relationship, & is able to clearly say “It’s over”,  accepting reality

FOR ACoAs: Most of the time the ending of any relationship is painful & traumatic – from a job, an old friend, family member, sponsor, therapist… & even if it was with someone we met recently or with someone we barely like!

• OVERALL COMMENTS will be in Part 3 & 4.

                              ▼   ACTS OF DISTANCING  ▼
5. DIFFERENTIATING
Normal: Two people begin to notice a gap in their togetherness, less ‘we’, more ‘me’ statements. “Working together’ is gradually replaced by separate activities.

“I don’t see how you can like that group!”  <> “Well, I guess we’re not on the same page about that!” ,  “Why don’t we go dancing any more?” <> “You know I’m too busy”

Temporary separation is sometimes tried. The situation is uncomfortable & can lead to subtle disagreements or open fights, then more time apart….
This stage can occur when:annoying
• the relationship is still new-ish but the first idealized ‘bloom’ has worn off
• they’ve been together longer & one or both are disappointed in who the other turned out to be
OR
• something they first found macho, adorable, attractive… in the other person, now drives them crazy
• for longer-term couples, their personal interests may have caused them to grow apart
• with too much one-ness, togetherness – one person misses a sense of individuality, feels resentful, held down, maybe suffocated
💔

4. LIMITING (Circumscribing)
Normal: This stage has been called the ‘slow fade’, & is more likely to occurs in committed relationships, but not exclusively.
There’s a shift in the focus from each others’ differences to constricting & limiting communication, which decreases in amount & topics they talk about. It’s superficial, kept to ‘safe topics’ they know they can agree on, avoiding controversial subjects, iScreen Shot 2015-08-01 at 7.27.57 AMn order to prevent fights

This inevitably leads to less & less real sharing.
“Who was that on the phone?” , “What are we having for dinner?”  , “Do you like the food?” <> “It’s OK.”

• There’s a definite sense of not understanding each other any more, & their concern is with protecting themselves emotionally
• While still projecting a good public face as a couple, they’ve mostly stopped telling each other anything personal
 • Sexual intimacy disappears, & if there is fighting, it’s about not being heard.
💔

NEXT: Part 2: Terminating; ACoAs Leaving

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 3)

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I’M INTERESTED
what he’s saying

PREVIOUS: Part 2 – Experiment


♥ ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ (cont) indicated by Types of Communication 

3. INTENSIFYING (Exploratory)
a. Normal: ‘Partners’ start opening up, sharing deeper personal info, taking more risks.  Much more emotionally intense &/or passionate stage, using intimate language

“I love you” <> “Me too” ✥  “I think you’re the best” <> “ I’m glad we found each other”  ✥   “It’s great to be with someone with the same tastes” <> “Yeah, we have a lot in common. Makes me feel at home”

• Begin to use ‘we’, develop favorite palaces, nicknames, share / swap possessions, understand non-verbal cues, give gifts, idealize each other, even finding their flaws endearing.  People can be so excited with each other at this stage, they’ll spend hours talking – time passes quickly. There’s a feeling of exhilaration, & depending on the type of relationship, a strong sexual pull

• This is the pivotal stage. Depending on whether or not both feel a chemistry (comfort, mutual value & excitement), and if the revealed info, attitudes & activities are sufficiently shared – people either continue to #4 & #5, or fall apart.

The connection at this point may be intense but short-lived, which is a shock to some who mistakenly assumed it would last because of the surface siminfatuationilarities & the emotional / sexual intensity.

➼  In some cases, there’s an intermediate stage called “Revising Communications” – when the euphoria has worn off.
The partners are able to review the strengths & weaknesses of the relationship from a more rational place, to see if they want to go on to the next phase. If they do, they begin working thru any problems or obstacles to further intimacy

b. ACoAs: we usually rush into this stage soon after meeting! Spoken or not, the communications is something like:
“Hi, my name is Sara, let’s be together forever!” <> “”OK, I’ll keep my eyes closed, as long as you make me feel good!”

✶✶✶ WARNING: ACoAs often misinterpret the ‘euphoria’ of this stage to mean there’s real intimacy happening! Spending every day for a week deeply immersed with a new friend or lover can end abruptly when they disappear on us!
Whatever their reason – they got scared, they feel suffocated… we feel conned, betrayed, angry… & are left with an acute sense of longing!

• REALITY: We went too deep too soon, & now we’re alone – again!
• TYPICAL ACoA reaction: beside feeling rage, we obsessively ruminate on what we did wrong (S-H) without knowing what the real issues are! We either withdraw into a depressed ball or use all our energy to chase after them. We want the pain to stop & get back the HIGH. heart illusion

• REALITY: WE got it wrong. Yes, the other person is also responsible for their part, but we can only deal with ourselves.  This is supposed to be stage 3, NOT instant love! It was not intimacy.

• HINT: if a ‘relationship’ develops too close, too fast – it’s likely NOT going to be healthy or real, but coming from both WICs!  ACoAs are addicted to fantasy & magic, as powerful as any chemical narcotic.
We have to work at going slowly or we’ll keep getting abandoned.

NEXT: Part 4 (Ingratiating)

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 2)

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 GOING DEEPER!
Now we’re together forever – I think

 PREVIOUS: #1 Initiating

♥  ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ indicated by types of Communication

2. EXPERIMENTING (Potential)
a. Normal: Time for small talk, presenting our public face. The focus is on light, humorous, informative conversation:
“ Did you like Thai food?” <> “I don’t know – never tried it” . “I went to France this summer” <> “Really! I’ve always wanted to go there! Tell me about it”

• There is mutual attraction & also a desire to reduce uncertainly about one another. Telling more about oneself implies an increase in trust, & we expect others to do the same – so that neither will feel too vulnerable

• People use (secret) tests to check how attentive the other person is by how they respond to what we say (laugh at our jokes, respect our boundaries…).  Each has certain expectations of the other, which must be met for our interest to continue : being upbeat, neatly dressed, polite, interesting ….

b. ACoAs: People give us info about themselves all the time – by thchit chateir presentation, their actions & of course words — their tastes, interests, like & dislikes… and we need to PAY ATTENTION!
Yes, it takes months of regular contact to get a realistic picture of the other person, but we can glean a great deal from each conversation right from the beginning.

So after every encounter, always ASK:
“What did I learn about them? How did I feel when I was with them, & afterward? Are they moving too fast? How do they handle situations & other people?”
✶ How much are they truly reciprocating, or am I the only one sharing – OR only them?

If so – we can take that as a warning sign. They’re either too scared or too self-centered. If we proceed, we have to accept the consequences.
➼ This constant evaluation is crucial for us to do at each stage, because ACoAs have such strong training & defenses against seeing others accurately.  If the WIC likes someone AND they feel familiar (in some way like our family), WE may :

i.  be in ‘Lala Land’ = don’t want to know they may not be an appropriate fit, especially if we feel a very strong pull – so we idealize them, convinced they’re ‘the one’, or a BFF…  Actually, at this stage it’s just too early to know for sure

ii. get “the ICKs” (scroll down) = If we’re not quite comfortable with them, but they’re not blatantly abusive, we need time to find out if it’s because –learn more
— the WIC &/or PP is acting up – with self-hate, lack of trust, old buttons triggered, our FoA, weak boundaries…
OR
— the person is actually icky in some way – their damage is showing & we’re picking it up, but can’t verbalize it yet
OR
— they’re genuinely NOT suited to our True Self, no matter how smart, competent, nice, or how much they may like us.
SO – we wait & LISTEN, hopefully with a clear, fair & open mind

IMPORTANT – Going slowly will allow us to:
• see how much like our family they are or aren’t (requires knowing ourself well, & paying attention to every interaction with the other person)
• find out if they are genuinely compatible with our Real Self
AND
• observe if they can truly see us for who we are, value, admire & respect us – realistically, not just for what we can give them
• how well or badly they handle our damage/ defects
AND
• what their character defects are, & how it will impact us over time
• see if the205108791ir positives outweigh the negatives (which everyone has), so that being with them will add value to our life
AND
• how capable & willing are they to take responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to rescue or clean up after them
ALSO, if they have a spiritual life, is it internalized? does it show in the way they live? or is it just another band-aid or diversion from unresolved deeper issues

NOTE: When someone has too many negatives – no matter how much we like or love them – they’re unsafe to be with! Take stock & be honest with yourself. Get a trusted 2nd & 3rd opinion!  If we ACoAs are willing to take these stages a little at a time & ‘stay awake; with many of our relationships – we’ll save ourself a lot of heartache!

NEXT: Part 3 – Intensifying, Integrating

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 1)

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ARE WE MOVING FORWARD?
I never want to let go!

PREVIOUS:
‘The Relationship CONTINUUM’– 8 stages


Communication Indicators of ATTACHMENT
 This series of posts deal with verbal & psychological markers of progressive attachment or dissolution, ie. moving toward or away from intimacy.  It covers all types of one-to-one relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers, additions to family…)
➼ Each Cycle consists of INFO which is: 1. received 2. absorbed & contemplated  3. understood   4. replied to

• There are several theories about how people grow together over time, including ‘peeling the onion’ of each others’ personalities the more time we spend with them
• The NORMAL section for each level is based on the work of Mark Knapp & Anita Vangelisti (2000), from the Communication field
• For Section A there’s an additional term, in parenthesis, from the Inter-Personal Psychology field

♥ ACTS of AFFILIATION ♥ indicated by types of Communication

1. INITIATING (Non-existent – beginning)1st level
a. Normal : With people we’re vaguely aware of – communications will be rote formulae:
“How are you?” <> “Fine, & you?” , “What’s with this weather?” <> “Too much!”

Hallmark: interest & curiosity.  If we notice someone we want to know more about – we use polite, socially appropriate statements to show interest:
“Hi my name’s George. Is this your first time here?” , “Would you like to dance?”
– waiting to see how the other responds.  If it’s positive, we have time to form additional first impressions & evaluate each other.

Initial interest is governed by:
• Self-concept, which includes sexual orientation, socio-economic class, race… (we rarely move toward someone too far ‘out of our league’)
• Proximity, in person –  where we work, shop, live, go to school or church, MeetUps, meetings, dances… or in cyberspace, using social media, dating sites, forums, chat rooms ….
• Similarity – studies show people tend to form connections with others of similar attractiveness, interest, intelligence values….

b. ACoAs –  Although some of us find it hard to initiate conversation with strangers because of fear, many ACoAs have learned to open a dialogue in similar ways, but as usual bring our own twist to it.

❄️ In any group setting, we unconsciously scan the room & without even realizing it, will be pulled to the ONE person who is the most damaged, usually angry, narcissistic, the least likely to be nice to or interested in us – another ACoA & probably an addict of some sort. We may not even have heard their voice – but we KNOW! & can’t wait to ‘make friends’ !

This is more likely to happen with Extroverts. The Introverts will also focus on that one unavailable, but at the other end of the room.

🏋🏼‍♂️ ACoAs also claim to hate the dreaded “Small Talk” in any social setting.  But that’s what this stage is all about! You’re sure you don’t know how?
Actually, our refusal to even try is:
• about our self-hate, disguised as Social Phobia (everyone is judging me!)
• and we’re bursting with complains & internal drama, so we despise chit-chat as a waste of time — too much like our shallow, drunk, distant family, who never expressed a deep thought in their life!

We want depth! Translation: just let me talk about all my aggravations & worries! & don’t bother me with trivia.
We don’t realize it’s mainly our narcissism (“see me”), which includes the belief that symbiosis is the only way to connect (be like me / stay with me), which we both long for & are terrified of.

✶✶ In early recovery one young woman decided her temporary rule was: “If I like him, he’s bad for me!” As she grew, her ‘picker’ got a lot better.

NEXT: Stages – Part 2 Experimenting, Intensifying

The Relationship CONTINUUM

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

  IF ONLY I’D KNOWN SOONER
what the process is supposed to be!

PREVIOUS: Relationship STAGES

LIST of Love Addiction books by Brenda Schaeffer

 

CONTINUUM CHART – (from Hunter College 1981 notes)
➼ This is a brief outline of the appropriate & necessary stages we need to go thru to be sure we’re in healthy relationships – not perfect, but workable & suited to our true personality

WHAT
• Un-recovered ACoAs have a compulsion to skip the process of forming relationships. When we’re attracted to someone, we usually pick another ACoA &/or addict, so ‘jumping right in’ to the deep end seems perfectly natural, AND ‘desirable’.
In reality, it’s another form of addiction! (see Stanton Peele’s book “Love & Addiction” – list of ‘worst’ addictions to kick, LOVE being the hardest

• Moving at a pace that’s too fast or too slow will disturb the progress towards intimacy.  In most social situations, a creep is someone who jumps too fast from #1 to #8 – from stranger to intimacy – in one leap. Yet ACoAs do it all the time, & don’t realize it’s inappropriate!

ACoAs most commonly have one of several types of relationships:
• avoid forming any kind of closeness, or may have many casual acquaintances, keeping people at an emotional distancesymbiotic attachent
• attach ourselves to only one person, but in a symbiotic, addictive bond, with someone who can never really provide the kind of love & support we all long for
We HAVE:
• serial relationships, without depth, perhaps sexually promiscuous, as a way to not be alone but avoid commitment
•  friendships with a variety of narcissists, depressives, alcoholics or other unavailable types – & stay in these relationships for many years, living off the ‘crumbs’ we get from these people – if any!

USUALLY, ACoAs get involved with others almost overnight, without going thru the appropriate stages to see if we’re truly compatible.
WHY? Because:
a. we don’t know what the stages of ‘normal’ relationships are
b. we know how to be symbiotic, like with our family. It makes ‘sense’ to us
c. we’re so afraid of abandonment, we don’t want to take the time to actually get to know someone, in case they’re wrong for us, & then we’d have to leave them
d. we think that when we feel that ’instant connection’ it means the other person is our soul mate – that it has to be love!  It does FEEL powerful & intense, but it’s mainly narcissistic attraction from our WIC, because their damage dovetail with ours!

Contrast ‘Toxic Intimacy’ with ‘Intimacy Antidotes’ .
Also ‘Idealizing’ vs ‘Healthy Attachment’ posts

NEXT: Getting to Know You (Part 1)