acoa recovery

ACoAs & Being DISAPPOINTED (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

empty promises I CAN’T TRUST ANYONE – I’ve been disappointed too often

PREVIOUS: Anxiety & T.E.A. #3

QUOTES: “Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” ― Margaret Atwood

“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope & expectation.” ― Eric Hoffer

DEF: The feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure to manifest of expectations or hopes, with the focus on the outcome, rather than the poor choices one may have caused the failure – decisions / actions that got one there

• Decision Analysis studies many different topics, including Disappointment – its causes, impact & degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it.

FROM the Regret & Disappointment Scale:
“The emotion most frequently studied by decision theorists is regret, the counter-factual thoughts that create emotions – when realizing or imagining we would have had a better outcome if we’d decided differently.

Regret depends on a Choice made in the past which led to an unfulfilling action – later causing  counter-factual** thinking.
And the intensity of regret depends on – whether suitable alternatives were available (to the person at the time) but were not chosen.
**Counter-factual thinking is picturing one or more outcomes different from what actually happened. It’s when we obsessively think  ‘If only I had… What if it hadn’t….”

Psychologists & economists have been investigating the relationship between Regret & Choice since the early 1980’s. The emotion of disappointment is also based on counter-factual thinking : when we keep wishing events had turned out more to our liking.

Although regret and disappointment are different emotions, they’re both generated by comparing “What IS” reality with “What might have been”.(MORE….)

ACoAs have very intense reactions to being disappointed (D) – either with outright rage OR deep depression, depending on the strength & importance of the unfulfilled needs, and how long we were deprived of those needs.
This to be such a big issue for ACoAs, which tells us how constant & overwhelmingly abandoned in PMES ways we were as kids – first & foremost by our parents, & then by everyone else who let us down.

• We needed them to be there for us, to encourage, guide, protect, validate, mirror, love…. & they either did these things sporadically, incompetently or not at all.
Constant, endless disappointment in our caretakers (also teachers, relatives, baby sitters…) has left us with a very big wound. It’s one of many wounds – & some of us have buried it so deep, we don’t evedisapponted catn recognize it when it happens again in the present.

To be disappointed we must:
1. have a need ( + desire, wish, dream, hope….)
We may not even know we have a particular need or wish, because we were not allowed to have them, or if we did, we were told in many ways, over & over – that they were not legitimate, were selfish, were dumb….
AND must :
2. (secretly) expect that need to be met.
Since we’re still not allowed to have them, we not aware that they’re always in the background. We still have needs, just by virtue of being alive. But since they go unmet – they can never go away, like being hungry but barely eating anything if ay all – OR eating empty calories & harmful foods / chemicals…..
For many of us, the greater a specific need, the more desperate we become – waiting for someone else to do something for us we should be doing for ourselves or can learn how to
and must :
3. not get that need met : We can track deprivation of need, hopes, wishes….  by the intensity of our reactions when we don’t get something we (unconsciously) longed for, actually asked for or tried to get in some indirect way.

❥ HUMOR from Grant Snider

 

NEXT: ACoAs & Disappointment – Part 2

ACoAs – ANXIETY & T.E.A. (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

OUR NEEDS
IT’S ALWAYS WISE to pay attention to my needs!

PREVIOUS: T.E.A. & anxiety (#2)

SITEs:
• T.E.A. charts from GOOD MEDICINE˜ Dr. James Hawkins

• What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)? – Using T.E.A.
2. ANXIETY (cont)
⚑ ⚑ TOXIC anxiety //  💚 GROWTH anxiety

🔔 AWARENESS
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s (CBT) basic messages :
◆ What we think and do affects the way we feel
◆ Our best effort to cope with our emotions sometimes ends in uncomfortable outcomes which keeps us from feeling better
◆ We can better understand problems by examining our Thoughts, Emotions, physical sensations & Actions in specific situations, all interacting in a ‘hot cross bun’ formation.

a. NEGATIVE BELIEFS create painful emotions. Just as we may sometimes be hungry or thirsty for food or drink that in fact isn’t good for us, so emotions are not always indicators of current reality. It’s important to notice when an intense emotion is healthy energy, vs. when it wants to push us in a distorted or unsafe direction.

Unfortunately for most of us, we didn’t always get the right responses to our original needs.  Our family, schools, religion  & other important early influences rarely were respectful of nor encouraged our normal drive to satisfy healthy needs.  It’s inevitably then that we try to make sense of why they didn’t.

As children, we had very limited information about the world, & expected that the adults would know better & more than us.
If we got into conflict or other unsatisfying interactions with adults, our normal child narcissism assumed we were at fault – not them. This is especially true because many of them actually told us we were wrong & the problem, which we had no choice but to believe.
We assumed that : “It must be because I’m are unlovable, untrustworthy, not good enough – that I’m treated this way.”

✦ For many of us, we bring into adulthood the original trauma which lead to —-> a great deal of suffering, which led to —-> the toxic beliefs, which inevitably lead to —-> problems in relationships & general functioning in the present

b. UNHEALTHY ACTIONS are created by toxic beliefs
This chart highlights how dysfunctional Behavior patterns develop from unmet Needs & toxic Beliefs – given what we were living thru, & may even have served us well for survival.
But as adults they definitely do not work in the larger world (outside of family), which we can see now having gathered  more info & experience.

c. Mental/ Emotional Health is based on providing personal & universal human NEEDS & RIGHTS
Children need security, stability, feeling valued, encouraged, loved & trusted – in order to build self-esteem & independence. And these needs continue into adulthood for everyone, although ACoAs are still not allowed to fulfill them.

The drive to fulfill needs shows up in basic adaptive feelings & emotions that push us towards psychological health, just as hunger or thirst push to satisfying basic physical health.
It’s imperative that we allow ourselves to acknowledge & work on providing them. See “Needs” on tree above.
(Charts & MORE info)

NEXT: Being Disappointed (#1)

ACoAs – ANXIETY & T.E.A. (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

T.E.A. chart

PREVIOUS: Fear of Responsibility (#5)

 

 

1. T.E.A.  = Thoughts, Emotions, Actions.
⚠️ Most people are not taught to distinguish between these 3 modalities. This causes much confusion in how we express ourselves, creating a great deal of mis-communication in relationships. While the 3 categories interact, they’re not the same parts of us.

The most important thing to remember is that Thoughts & Actions can be changed &/or modified, but emotions just are. It is not healthy nor legitimate to suppress emotions, while it is necessary & appropriate to choose what we say & do to express them (the words & actions), depending on the situation we’re in.

THOUGHTs – always made up of a string of words.
thinking mindAll of us have running dialogues in our head much of the day, on the surface of our awareness, such as:
• planning what we‘re going to do or ‘should’ be doing

• reviewing what’s happened to us or what we did (pleasant or not)
• ‘dreaming’, wishing, imagining, designing projects……
• worrying, obsessing – often about things we can’t control

• ranting to ourselves about people who hurt us & things we hate
• thinking about things we’ve seen or read
• planning things we want to say, either personal or for work……
AS WELL AS:
• what we’re thinking about under the surface, that’s out of our direct awareness. Some thoughts are deeply hidden, others accessible if we pay attention. This is what sitting quietly in ‘meditation’ is for – to hear the chatter in our head.
(Post: “Using Think instead of Feel“)

EMOTIONs – see extensive posts
These are always ONE WORD things – happy, sad, angry, amused, lonely, scared, pleased, sexy, excited……(NOTE: if you say “I feel” immediately followed by a sentence – it’s not an emotion, but rather a thought – a string of words. EXP: “I feel like going for a walk”)

Posts: Getting to Emotions – Under & Over // ACoA Emotions re Painful Events // ACoAs – accepting & accessing Es // What is Emotional Abuse? // Over-controlling ourselves

ACTIONs – Any activity we DO, as well as things we DON’T do, that are helpful or harmful to oursef & others

📌 An extension of this category – our behavior – is used as a defense mechanism, called “Acting out”, which can be defined as –
• Any compulsive (temporarily out of conscious control) ↵
• action or non-action, which is ↵
• a way to externally express or demonstrate ↵
• painful emotions we’re not aware of at all (ongoing repression), or not experiencing at the time about a particular situation we’re in or that we anticipate happening

EXP: ♟ being late for OR blanking out on an appointment we didn’t realize is making us anxious
♟ starting an argument (T) at the end of a nice evening, weekend (just before leaving the person or group)…. rather than feel the familiar old abandoned pain (E) at the separation, no matter how temporary!

Posts : Actions: Healthy opposites // Noticing painful events // Negative reactions to painful events // Positive responses
💚
2. ANXIETY
 All ACoAs are fear-based, whether our preferred defensive sty
le is to be :
• phobic (fearful, passive, victim, timid, worried, overwhelmed) OR
• counter-phobic (don’t consciously feel scared, & then keep anxietydoing dangerous things to ‘prove it’). This is a reaction to suppressed emotions accumulated from our abusive background or any other traumatic events in our life

❥ When was the last time you were struck by anxiety?
❥ How long did it last? What caused it?
❥ What did you do about it?
❥ OR is it with you all the time? & how do you cope?

Given our painful, chaotic, abusive early years – with very little comfort, explanations or guidance – we carry with us an enormous backlog of fear. This pile-up gets covered over & redirected, so we barely realize it’s there.
Once we’ve cut ourselves off from knowing the source of our fear, in many cases what we’re left with is anxiety – that free-floating painful flutter or tightness in our gut we don’t connect with anything in particular.

NEXT: T.E.A. & Anxiety (Part 2)

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

I GIVE IT ALL AWAY & have nothing left for myself

PREVIOUS: Fear of Responsibility (FoR)  #2a

 

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS (cont)
1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE – as “Leavers” (cont)
a. re. OTHERS – Part 2a

b. Re. US
Being a ‘leaver’ includes leaving ourself – not just putting ourself last, but barely enough to survive, or to make life worth living.

We do NOT:
• take care of ourself – appearance, health, living space…..
• acknowledge the damage done to us, & get the right help
• stand up for our rights, provide for our personality needs
• use our inborn talents, so don’t contribute our best to society
• prosper, perpetuate general ‘anorexia’ – such as under-earning, bad relationships, isolation, no fun ….

Most ACoAs do not show outward signs of our underlying wounds, but all of us suffer from it to some degree, even in Recovery.
• We didn’t learn self-care from our family, having been neglected & mistreated, thus given the message that we didn’t deserve any better, and
• This left us with a lack of information about self-care, so we don’t actually think in terms of what we need

At the extreme, the self-neglect of some ACoAs is more visible (deprivation / anorexia in many areas of life).
Gibbons (2006) defined it as: “The inability – intentional or not – to maintain a socially & culturally accepted standard of self-care, with the potential for serious consequences to the health & well-being of the self-deprivers, perhaps even to their community.” (Wikipedia) (MORE….)

Some overt symptoms of personal deprivation include hoarding items & pets, a compulsive need to isolate, living in a dirty  environment, poor personal hygiene, neglecting household maintenance, unwillingness to take needed meds, unkempt / sloppy appearance, eccentric behaviors……

🍎🔥
2. OVER-RESPONSIBLE = the “Stayers”
Being ‘over-responsible’ toward others includes our children & grandchildren (small or grown),
BY: • doing too much for them
• people-pleasing & not setting boundaries
• letting them get away with unhealthy behavior, spoiling them
• giving in to unhealthy requests or demands
• not holding them responsible for bad behavior
• not teaching them the best ways to live in the world

ACoAs as ‘STAYERS’
As long as the WIC is still running our life, we focus all our attention outside of ourself. We’re looking for someone to take care of us – to give us permission to even be alive, much less be our True Self

• We do too much for others, & most of the PPT we pick to ‘help’ are just are incapable of being there for us as our family was, with a few exceptions.
Also –
• Because our parents were so angry, depressed & unhappy, ACoAs are convinced (unconsciously) that everyone else is the same.  We project how our family treated us onto every situation we encounter in our daily lives, whether it’s similar or not.

That means we react & behave in the same way we did as kids = that we have to be responsible (R) for others’ feelings & needs, to ‘help’ / fix everyone we deal with, whether important to us or not (lover, parent, sibling, OR “butcher, baker, candle-stick maker”…..) & suppress our own emotions, hopes & dreams.

We BELIEVE that:
• without our intervention – others we meet will also fall apart or put out firesgo crazy, which would be our fault, so we rush in to put out other people’s fires
• if we don’t take care of them they won’t have any need for us, & ‘leave’ us
• by rescuing / saving…. others we will finally become worthy of getting our needs met (‘earning’ love)

⚡️ For prolonged rescuing, we stay with those:
• who are more wounded than we are (assuming we’re not), so we can feel useful, appreciated, even superior
• who don’t want to take care of themselves & could, but live in Victim mode – so would rather we do it for them, since we’re so good at it (& desperate to please)
• who are intensely narcissistic, using us to feed off of, which we agree to, at least for a time, because it makes us feel needed & important

AND, we automatically stay away from anyone who is reasonably healthy – competent, self-directed, doesn’t need or want rescuing…. because they don’t ne-e-ed us & we wouldn’t know how to interact with them as equals!

NEXT:
 Fear of Responsibility – #2c

ACoAs: RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

not trappedI ALWAYS MAKE SURE
there’s a way to protect myself

PREVIOUS:
Fear of Responsibility (#1)

POSTs: Toxic Family Rules

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS
With all the frustration & lack of ‘success’ as children to fix our family, we unconsciously assume that if we failed at that, we’ll inevitably fail at everything else – so why bother.
Since they didn’t take responsibility for their emotions & actions, we didn’t learn how to either, & we don’t know there is a clear line between what’s our job in life & what isn’t.

SELF-CARE (Part 2b) : Any activity we do deliberately to provide our mental, emotional & physical health needs. Good self–care is key to reduced anxiety & improved mood

1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE
a. Re. OTHERS:
Because we were treated badly by our family, we often treat others the same way (“How ACoAs Abandon Others” posts) BY:
✦ not considering others’ rights, boundaries & emotions, being so focused on our own pain & trying to protect ourself
✦ our narcissism, idealizing, constant criticism, being controlling…..
which is how we treat our external children as well as other adults

ACoAs as ‘LEAVERS’
According to the WIC, we still have no one we can depend on for our needs, AND are responsible for everyone & slaveeverything around us.
We say we don’t want to have such a great burden, YET we reject being with people or groups who are capable of being supportive, allowing us to relax & focusing on ourself

This leaves us completely overwhelmed & exhausted. So on the assumption that we still have to carry the weight of any association (personal or professional), we’re too scared to fully commit.

• To take healthy, ‘adult’ responsibility for our choices & relationships, we would need to be familiar with & embrace our True Self, via S & I, which is the goal of all therapy & Recovery.
However, ACoAs greatest addiction is to our family of origin, making it very hard to let go of our symbiotic attachment to them.

🔻This results in a great resistance to taking center stage in our own life, while playing the satellite (or slave) to someone or something else.
🔺 The irony is that at the same time – we think everything others do or say is about us, taking everything personally – which is not the ADULT ego state form of being responsible for oneself, but rather the narcissistic attitude of the WIC

• While we consciously insist we never want to be anything like ‘them’, unconsciously we copy them in many different ways, having absorbed the PigP, ie. negative introject.
Because the WIC is by definition narcissistic, it can’t distinguish itself from our narcissistic parents. SO:
√ If they didn’t take responsibility for themselves, we won’t either
√ If they never connected with their True Self, we won’t either
√ If they treated us badly, we’ll do the same to ourself & others

• Even when ACoAs truly want to be connected to Self or others in a meaningful way, our terror of being eternally trapped in the position of caretaker leads to having a back-door mentality – always looking for an out : finding fault, being resentful, feeling inferior or superior, getting bored….

And above all – picking people who are emotionally unavailabldistancee AND not suited to our personality, but familiar because of our family structure. Keeping ourself at emotional arm’s-length in all our interactions is the only way we think we can protect our fragile self-image, since we don’t have access to our needs & therefore no real boundaries

The WIC says: “I can’t afford to commit  to anything serious – especially if it’s really important to me – because then I’ll be stuck having to handle everything (perfectly) myself. I don’t know how, & I resent being in that position – so I won’t.”

Besides, since I always fail at getting my needs :
√ it’ll be too painful to try & fail again (lose out on what I really want)
v I’ll have to re-live all the ways I failed my family when I was a kid, adding to my S-H.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility (Part 2b)

BOOK: “Trauma & Recovery”

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Trauma book

 

PREVIOUS: “33 Things I’ve Learned” #3


AUTHOR
Judith Lewis Herman is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Training Director of the Victims of Violence Program at The Cambridge Hospital.

 

See: REVIEW

In “Trauma and Recovery” Judith Herman describes in detail the healing process for people struggling with a combination of problems related to overt abuse, being unwanted, & other devastating experiences in their past. The book gives a three-stage model of recovery from these events, including childhood sexual abuse.

Trauma results include:
Substance addictions
Behavioral addictions (porn, anonymous sex, gambling,…)
Self-harming behaviors (cutting, burning, hair pulling…)
Dissociation (spacing out, blanking out, losing time…)

The following statement refers to how self-hate is formed – by introjecting
the Bad Parent – & why it’s so hard to give up:

quote re abused child S-H

REVIEW posts:
ACoAs & Self-Hate  //  Negative Introject 
// Abuse of children //  Toxic Family RULES //
Ego states –  Summary  // Ego states – PARENT  #4

“33 Things I’ve learned” (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

communicating

PREVIOUS : 33 Things, #1

IMPORTANT NOTE:
The original list is not available any more. There are 10 other sites under this title – each different.

🔺These 33 are still worth reading — they have more substance.

🔹 “Things”are listed by topic, not in numbered order.

COMMUNICATION
2: If you speak the truth, be prepared to be attacked & ridiculed.
This is done to keep everyone in the “normal box.” To keep things under control & give everyone a mask. If you speak the truth through actions or words, people will be threatened. Those in power who feel threatened will do whatever it takes to silence you. This is where the judgments, labels & forced isolation come from

4: How well your message is received depends on how you deliver the message.
The world is full of people in power who know nothing. If you feel what’s going on is wrong, your attitude & responses will determine if people listen.

7: It’s not rScreen Shot 2016-05-31 at 6.20.53 PMeally about what you say but how you make other people feel.
If you believe in someone or something, don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way. You may change someone’s life by believing in them.

14: Do not ever leave words unsaid.
Speak from your heart in each moment. Every moment is precious. Tell people the greatness you see in them. It takes nothing away from you. In fact, you grow from it.

24: Fierceness & toughness are not always loud. 
Sometimes it’s timing. It is not what you say but when you say it. The best way to know when & what advice to give if any, is easy, but only if you’re truly listening. Don’t force it, timing is everything

OTHER PEOPLE
3: Just because a group of seemingly “educated” people say things are true does not mean they’re right. If there is one person against the group, they may be the only one that’s not willing to go along with the community lie. Sometimes, the teachers are wrongScreen Shot 2016-05-31 at 9.22.53 PM.png

6: There are many people in this world that have it much worse than you can possibly imagine.
There’s serious abuse & damage being done to kids, which will affect them & those they come in contact with the rest of their life. It is going on right now – a great deal of deep sadness & pain

8: Hurt people hurt people.
You have to love yourself first, or you’ll hurt others unintentionally. Monsters are created by other monsters. People who are very sad, especially as children, can do damage to the world. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people. It means they’re acting out their pain

22: You’ll never help anyone by punishing them.
Those who attack others usually have the most to hide. Loving is a sign of strength. To see someone for who they are, despite everyone what everyone else says, is a special person. If you ever have decision-making power over someone’s life – get to know them.

Don’t ever base it on what others say, because they have their own biases & agendas. If someone gossips a lot, they have a lot to hide. If you sit in silence while they gossip, you’re an active participant. Gossip & trash talk is not harmless, it destroys character. Punishment never works for an illness.

25: Appearance means nothing at all.
People at the top can be much, much sicker than so-called “sick” people. Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 9.35.15 PMWhat others say a crazy person looks like is different than the truth. Don’t be swayed of by others’ opinions. What we see in others, good & bad, is a reflection of what we like or dislike about ourselves.

27: Labels are destructive.
People are not their illness, & no one fits the book pattern. Do not treat the illness. Treat the patient. What helps the most is love

28:  Sometimes, people live up to the hype
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Words can change people. But they must be pure, genuine & come from truth.

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 1)

“33 Things I’ve learned” (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Process

PREVIOUS: Permission to Leave

IMPORTANT NOTE:
The original list is not available any more. There are 10 other sites under this title – each different.

🔺These 33 are still worth reading — they have more substance.

🔹 “Things”are listed by topic, not in numbered order.

IDENTITY
1: If you are different, you will be separated & labeled.
It ‘s ok if you’re lonely & feel different. That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. In fact it’s a sign you’re on the right path if you do not fit in.
People in power aren’t always the wisest ones. It’s ok to question authority.Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 6.49.44 PM

5: Stay true to yourself, even if it upsets others & they reject you.
The person who suffers the most from being someone that others want you to be, is you. What’s in your heart is all that’s real. Embrace who you are in your heart. Show the world that person. That person is beautiful.

30: Do not believe your own thoughts sometimes, they may come from other people.
Your False Self is just that, false. Acceptance comes first. You can change yourself only after you accept yourself

RECOVERY / GROWTH
12: When you’re silent, sit still & deal with emotions, only then will the answers come.
Then can you move forward. The only way out is through. You can not escape pain, which isn’t aways a bad thing. Things that seem great at the time can end up hurting you. Withhold judgment & let things play out. You can spend your whole life running from your pain. In the end, all you get is being tired, having spent a whole life running but not living.

15: It is hard to give love when you’re in pain. But try it, & watch the miracle. If you give love away, love will come back. You will get what you need, if & when you’re prepared for it. If you start to heal yourself & be good to others, regardless of your pain, great things – even miracles – start to happen. You’ll be amazed at what the world gives you.

 16: Where youScreen Shot 2016-05-31 at 6.32.40 PM end usually depends on where you start.
We need to equalize things for people that start off life with less opportunity. Those with privilege need to stop acting like they are on 3rd base because they hit a triple, when in fact they were born on 3rd base.

We have to stop penalizing people because they have less resources, & give everyone the same opportunity – or stop claiming we’re the land of opportunity when we’re not.

18: Living for others’ approval will kill you inside
Buying & accumulating things is not the answer. You’ll walk around depressed because you’re living someone else’s dream for you.

20: When you make someone the center of your world for the moment you’re with them, you can save their life.  You can change the world by simply being present with someone in pain.
Taking time with people. Listening to them is what ‘s important.

21: Lessons will repeat themselves until you finally learn what you’re supposed to. There are lots of ways to try escaping from yourself. Anger, alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, other people, self-harm, drugs…. How many have you tried?

29: Little things add up to big things
When trying to change things, patience is crucial. Systems don’t change fast. First, listen & observe. Pay attention to small things & details, so you gain credibility & build up through small things. You lose credibility if all you do is fight. You don’t need to fight all day, every day. Pick your battlesScreen Shot 2016-05-31 at 6.39.15 PM.png

31: If you want to help people, walk with them, not above them.
Stay in the senior slow lane of life. Let people rush by you if they want. Patience & moving with people is how you help them. Even if you get in a position of power, there’s more corruption at the top.

NEXT: 33 Things I’ve learned (Part 2)

PERMISSION to LEAVE

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

images-1PREVIOUS:  “Kind Self-Healing” book

A NEW YEAR SUGGESTION

SITE: “Staying away
from TOXIC people”

Normally I’m not fond of cutesie, ‘uplifting’ saying, but I know some of us are still struggling with the belief that it’s unkind & selfish to disengage (whatever that means for you) from unhealthy people who do not take responsibility for their damage and don’t want to /can’t yet do the hard work of Recovery.

So I’m posting a bunch of statements about permission, in the hope
that they may be of encouragement to make some changes this year.

leave toxics

LEAVING THEM

angry people

poison people

let them go

allowed to leavesoul therapy

fresher air

god says drop

god says drop

your worth it

BOOK: “Kind Self-Healing”

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, mental health, recovery, self growth, self-help , ,

sick-day cat

PREVIOUS : BE KIND to YOURSELF

 

Hi Everyone,

I’d like to pass on info about a Recovery book for ACoAs :

 “The KIND Self-Healing Book – Raise Yourself Up with Compassion & Curiosity’ (March 2015)

by Amy Eden,  author of the ACoA blog  “Guess what Normal Is“

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From the book:

5 Super-Kind Abilities You’ll Gain from Doing This Work

I honestly believe that each of these abilities is within your reach. These abilities can develop from practice and applying a compassionate approach to your personal growth–and from a decision to take the leading role in your own story every day:

1. The purpose driving your actions will become your wants, desires, and needs rather than your anxiety about other peoples’ needs or wants. Your own unique interests, goals, and personal fulfillment will become more central in guiding how you participate in life.

2. The discomfort you feel when asking for what you want and during confrontations will become a manageable discomfort (a low simmer rather than a high flame) and you’ll regard and appreciate the discomfort you feel as encouraging proof of having become daring and engaged in life.

3. Your self-confidence will become more consistent, less of a roller-coaster ride, and you’ll experience more and longer-lasting hopeful moments of self-appreciation, because you’ll have cultivated unconditional love for yourself and cease to expect perfection of your every breath.

4. You’ll be able to remain calm in situations involving criticism without losing your sense of self, your core, and your self-esteem; you’ll be able to hear and benefit from criticism without the old and unhelpful party-crashers of anger, fear, and defensiveness.

5. You’ll become comfortable expressing yourself and your needs in romantic relationships and willing to risk an ending rather than stay in a problematic situation; you will never again rationalize disrespect, criticism, or manipulation just to keep a situation going. And you won’t be tempted to try controlling the relationship because you’ll have moved from living in your head to living in the present moment.

You can have a life in which you grow, feel alive, happy, and feel like yourself (and like yourself) and live at ease. The tools in this book are meant to support you in your growing-up and healing process.

NEXT: Permission to leave