Psychotherapy

MBTI Type – ESTJ

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PREVIOUS: ESTP

SITEs: Each MBTI type at their Best

 

The EXTROVERTS (EX)


ESTJ – EXECUTIVE / Supervisor / Overseer
E-Sensing-Thinking-Judging

Most FORCEFUL  – “That boss”  • 11.2% males, 6.3% females

NATURAL
GOAL: To execute.  ESTJs are realistic, matter-of-fact, take-charge types. They usually have a definite vision of how things should be – easily stepping into leadership roles. They honor traditions & laws, with a clear set of standards & beliefs, highly valuing honesty, dedication, dignity & security.

They’re practical & organized, putting a lot of effort into all they do. They excel at getting projects & people to their goals, as well as handling routine details. ESTJs are not interested in theories or abstractions unless they have practical applications.

Living in a present world of facts & concrete needs, many are likely to be athletic. As the loyal “Good citizen” they constantly scan the environment to make sure everything’s running smoothly & systematically. They use their understanding of what’s right, wrong & socially acceptable – to bring families & communities together.  (More….)

ESTJs are: anal, determined, fair,  efficient, opinionated, productive, responsible, sociable, traditional. And not all are complainers.

HIDDEN side
Most ESTJs aren’t actually self-righteous. If they are, it’s only toward their family, mainly from insecurity rather than because they think they’ve made the best decisions for everyone they love. In fact, when someone close to them makes life-choices different from their own, they secretly worry that maybe they should have taken a different route in their own life. Of the SJ types (Sensing-Judging), they’re probably the worst at teamwork.

• Life’s Purpose: Bringing direction to the leaderless
• Their Law: You shall never make excuses for your incompetence
• They ‘Comfort’ others by saying: What the @#$% are feelings & why do you feel that way anyway??

• They say: I’ve written the rules down, & made copies for every one. I like to see things done correctly. Good order is the foundation of all things. Business before pleasure!
• Communication: The ESTJ will tell someone if they’re making them angry. Please. Stop.
They should stop talking about how nobody listens to them.

• Weaknesses: Inflexible, judgmental, stubborn, trouble expressing emotions, trouble relaxing, too dependent on structure / trouble with unconventional situations, too subjective
• Manipulate: Push their will or idea by preaching about something 20 different ways to make sure others really get it

• Paradox: (Un-developed ESTJ) Orderly & unchanging (rigid: won’t allow whining in a hospital)
• Judge people by: How competent they are
• Are judged for: being too bossy  • Fear: Of uncertainty

Become STRESSED from situations shown in the illustration.
Under stress, ESTJs can too easily become domineering & inflexible, with an “Do exactly as I say….or else!” attitude. They’ll see others as ‘too sensitive’ & weak, so assume it’s time to take control & set things right, Impose their viewpoint on everything & everyone, they’ll be convinced their logic is the only valid standard.
Ironically they’ll also be hypersensitive & emotionally reactive (rather than proactive). They crave personal contact & affection, but are unwilling to let emotions show, taking it as the weakness they despise in others. (Similar to lower-level Enneagram 8s).
They accuse others of being corrupt, subjective & disrespectful, justifying their self-righteous anger. As the pressure becomes intolerable, they let out frustration inappropriately: bursts of rage, intense controlling, impulsive actions, addictions

• Hate: Anyone constantly goofing off, being disrespected or ignored, disorder, others making dumb jokes – or just crying. Forced to be emotionally open. Not in control of their life. Anyone showing up very late to a planned meeting, & telling the ESTJ they just ‘lost track of time’.  Asking for Help, as it makes them feel incompetent (EnneaType #1 ?)

• Don’t argue with ESTJs when they’re : holding a frying pan
• Never: Underestimate them.  • Never tell them: You’re not good enough

GROWTH
• Advice: Don’t expect everyone to be the same or try to make them be like you! 
ESTJs are very much a been-there-done-that type. In boring situations why not use the time to quietly plan something interesting? Always giving too much of themselves to their tasks, it would be good for them to occasionally forget about work & people – taking time to actually live in their life, letting each second slow to a halt to drink in their surroundings.

Focusing too much on the objective pursuit of goals, they ignore ideas or feelings of others, because they’re not comfortable when emotional intimacy is required. They need to learn to accept the personal, subjective parts of themself in order to connect with others – preventing isolation & loneliness.

Not waiting to get enough info before jumping into action, they can miss opportunities not already part of their plans. It would help to accept that they can’t control every outcome, no matter how hard they work. Not everything fits rational principles, so act on things they can legitimately be in charge of.

ESTJ Relationships
You enjoy interacting with others, take relationships seriously & want to fulfill your roles responsibly. Partners & friends experience you as conscientious & dependable

• Thrive in any situations that are : steady & predictable (More…)
• As a Friend, you’re the one who takes the lead & makes sure everyone is getting their work done • Angry when: someone publicly humiliates you

• ESTJ parent, & child of ESTJ, ESTJ child

• Still single because: you give off control-freak vibes
• Unhealthy behavior: Run way from hearing “I love you” for the first time
• Show interest by: Being attentive, & an ‘ultra’ listener
• Show Love: Handle practical matters for them, share useful info & advice
• You want to hear: I listen to you

• You’re attractive/sexy because: You have a commanding presence, seem strong, secure & in control. People wish they could handle things thrown at them the way you can. It’s hard to miss you with all that confidence.
• You should date someone who : can let you take charge, but also can stand up to you & put you in your place when you get too head-strong

• To attract you, someone needs to:  Have excellent hygiene, & constantly tell you that you’re right.

• Some famous ESTJs: Presidents Truman, G.W. Bush & LBJ, actors Bette Davis, Barbara Stanwyck, Frank Sinatra, Rev. Billy Graham, Judge Judy, Ann Coulter (More….)

NEXT: ESFP

MBTI Type – ESTP

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PREVIOUS: Introverts vs Extroverts

SITE: Each MBTI type as enemy

 

The EXTROVERTS (EX)

ESTP – ENTREPRENEUR / Doer / Persuader
Ex-Sensing-Thinking-Perceiving

Most FUN  – “Adrenalin junkie”   • 3.0% females, 5.6% males

NATURAL
GOAL: To win. ESTPs are adaptable & action-oriented, who like to take a practical approach to problem-solving that will produce immediate results.  They apply common sense & experience to problems, quickly analyzing what’s wrong, & then fixing it, often in an inventive or resourceful way. Living in the here-and-now, they’re risk-takers who live fast-paced, traveling the world. They tend to be bored by abstract theories, impatient with long explanations, & learn best by doing. 

They have great people-skills – friendly, outgoing straight-shooters, & extremely loyal to their peers. Are good at picking up on little clues about others’ personalities & feelings, & can motivate people by bringing energy into situations. They’re not usually respectful of laws & rules if those get in the way of accomplishing a goal. ESTPs leap before they look, fixing their mistakes as they go rather than being idle, but do prepare contingencies & escape clauses.

ESTPs are: charming, confident, crude, fearless, logical, spontaneous, trustworthy, unconventional. And not all are obsessed with sex. 

HIDDEN side
Surprising to some, ESTPs value book-smarts & often enjoy conversing with Rational types. They may not grasp ‘heady’ concepts as easily (nor apply them responsibly), but they find philosophical topics stimulating – just another piece of equipment in life’s big playground. While they’re naturally persuasive, they’re not usually interested in corporate & political arenas where they could thrive. Ladder-climbing in organizations doesn’t appeal to them – in fact, many ESTPs cringe at the very idea, so they rarely pursue those career tracks.

• Life’s Purpose:  DOing when others don’t
• Their Law: “You shall always live in the moment!”
• They Comfort others by saying: “Alright…..So you’re sad. Why is that?”

• They say: I get more from first-hand experience than from study. Rules are made to be broken – so watch me break them! Life’s either a daring adventure or nothing at all
• Communication: They’ll talk whether someone likes it or not – look out world! They should stop talking about ‘nothing’.

• Weaknesses: Defiant, insensitive, impulsive, impatient, misses big picture, risk-prone, unstructured, contradicting themself
• Manipulate: Frustrate others because – one day they’re hung-ho about a life-changing project or promise, then lose interest the next day

• Paradoxes: (Un-developed ESTP) Know they shouldn’t, & do it anyway. Bold & undependable. Think they’re funny, but only to those who are similar
• Judge people : on their ‘smarts’  • Fear: Of commitment
• Are Judged for: not taking life seriously

Become STRESSED from situations shown in the illustration.
Under stress they act first, figure things out later. They deal with problems & frustrations by going after more & more external stimulation & adventure (similar to EnneaType 7s). When disappointed or restless, they think it’s time to re-create their (lagging or previous) successful public persona. They either find a new audience to charm, or resort to some grand gesture to reinforce their image & make them feel desirable/popular again (Ennea #3)

However, internally they suffer from a deep sense of emptiness, so intimacy becomes almost impossible, as they get increasingly detached from true emotional connections. As stress mounts, they get more agitated, chronically anxious, distracted & paranoid, but overactive, frivolous & too concerned with people’s opinions of them.

• Hate: Authority.Asking for help – it makes them feel stupid. Limits. Conventional or monotonous situations. Over-sensitive people. Constantly being asked ‘how they feel’ about things. Forced to ‘tone it down’. Stupid people. When someone wants a heart-to-heart talk just as the ESTP is ready to go out for some fun

• Don’t argue with ESTPs when they’re : holding the door open for you
• Never: Dominate them.  • Never tell them: Nothing you do is very impressive

GROWTH
• Advice: Keep your promises, or don’t make them at all.
ESTPs tend to have trouble managing their time, so they can lose interest in long, complex projects. Being so focused on immediate problems will lead to ignoring long-term ongoing issues. They live for excitement!, being the life of the party, thriving on adrenaline!  However, periodically taking some time to shut out the world – & writing down all their adventures – could help to create much-needed balance.

ESTP Relationships (More….) 
Many ESTPs are uncomfortable focusing on, exploring & talking about relationships. They need to take time to consider their true priorities, & to realize the effect their choices have on others around them. When they take responsibility for their actions & acknowledge their importance in a larger context, they become more stable, reliable, & emotionally honest.

You truly love life, immersing yourself in it. Partners & friends experience you as adventurous but also pragmatic
• Thrive in any situations that are: fun & easy-going (More….)
• As a Friend, you’re the one obsessed with that‘ thing’, & will. not. stop. talking. about it!
• Annoyed when: someone never wants to go outside

• ESTP parent, & child of ESTP, ESTP child

• Still single because: it’s your choice
• Unhealthy behavior: Cheating

• Show interest by: Being awkward
• Show love: You’re attentive to their comfort, will motivate & boost their courage
• You want to hear: I’m excited with you

• You’re attractive/sexy because: Something about your down-to-earth, hands-on style is tantalizing – you ooze ‘tactile’. It’s hard to resist your passion & will-power
• You should DATE someone who : won’t take your occasional stream of b.s. Who’s intelligent & can stand up to your know-it-all attitude. Who can keep you from taking too many risks, but lets you be yourself, & can also keep you excited

• To attract you (men?), someone needs to: Act sweet, wide-eyed, impressed with everything you do. Your ego will respond well to their fuel.

FAMOUS ESTPs: Donald Trump, cowboy Roy Rodgers, actors Eddie Murphy, Madonna, Bruce Willis, Biblical Jacob (OT) & Peter (NT) (More….)

NEXT: ESTJ

MBTI – Introverts vs. Extroverts

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PREVIOUS:
MBTI basics #2b

SITE: ‘Key differences between Es & Is – info for bosses

• “Are Es or Is better salespeople?”


NOTE: In the next 2-3 months posts will focus extensively on the 16 Types, first the 8 Extroverts, starting with 😀ESTP, & then later the 8 Introverts, starting with 🤫ISTP.

🚎/🚗 The charts below outline some of the main differences between the 2 types. These descriptions represent extremes. Remember that most of us are a combination of both, in some proportion (90-10, 70-30, 50-50…..),  favoring one style or the other throughout our lives. Because the 2 groups are bio-chemically pre-set (next post) we clearly express their preferences from the beginning of life – before the harmful effects of our upbringing distort them. But they’re always part of us, so we can reclaim them as we Recover.

ALSO: to understand ourselves well, we need to factor in other character parts that make each of us unique.
Beside the basic MBTI designation (INTP….), each type has a <—- ‘Cognitive Function stack, & a Temperament (Artisan, Guardian….) in combinations of the basic 8 options  (NT, SJ….). Along with the MBTI, each of us also has our own Enneagram Type, Astrology sign, childhood experiences, social environment.spiritual belief,…. & taken together they make up our identity.

EXP: An ENFJ + Christian + Enneagram #8 + Pisces + Numerology 22/4 + an AGoA +++….. G=grandchild 🙂
All-in-one: Inside the Pisces is very soft & passive, but the #8 is tough & assertive. The 22/4 is the entrepreneur, called The Master Builder, while the ENFJ is the Teacher / Giver.  Add in – being Saved, raised by 2 un-recovered ACoAs, an American growing up in 3 post-WWII European countries….  & we get a very different ENFJ or Pisces or #8…. than all the others in the world.

What’s YOUR unique combination?

Tongue-in cheek, but not totally : «

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One of many example of how the 2 styles show up in business / entrepreneurial environments.
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NEXT : MBTI type – ESTP

Myers-Briggs INTRO (Part 2b)

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PREVIOUS: MBTI Basics #2a

OVERVIEW of MBTI dichotomies (cont.)

The 2 ‘INNER’  (S-iN & T-F)

2. SENSING (S) vs INTUITION (iN)
The kind of INFORMATION we prefer to gather & trust. It can be either Introverted or Extroverted (Si or Se / iNi or iNe) , & each part of the Judging style.  We use both, but to different degrees of effectiveness & with different levels of comfort. 

• Sensing (S) / Concrete
To be mainly Sensate means that a person primarily believes in the kind of information he/she receives directly from the external world.

They absorb info thru the 5 senses – are detail oriented (micro) types, who prefer to focus on facts & concrete data, wanting to see the hard numbers.
They keep track of available material & resources, appreciate knowing the “HOW” of something, & then do what works. They love to observe, are good at remembering specifics, & understand things piecemeal, working through concepts from the bottom up.

Sensors LOOK for:  how much, how many, how often, what kind….
EXP: When we – taste food / notice a stoplight has changed / memorize a speech / follow steps in a plan / use a map / look up info on Google….

— 🍀 —
• Intuition (N) /Abstract
To be mainly Intuitive means that a person more likely believes the kind of information they gather from their internal, private world.

They’re are highly imaginative, focusing on patterns & the meaning of data, taking in info from impressions, insights & patterns. They start with the big-picture (macro), extrapolating abstract possibilities from a wide variety of ‘real’ sources, understanding concepts using a top-down approach, & data as it relates to other data. They have a grasp on trends, interested in what hasn’t been tried before.

Intuiters ASK: “….for example? / Tell me more, what else should I know? /Why do you say that? “-….  and then echo the response

EXP: Those who find a new way of doing something / think about future implications for a current action / ‘get’ the underlying meaning in what people say or do / see the big picture….

NOTE: Of the 4 dichotomies, at their extremes these 2 opposites cause the most emotional difficulty in any relationship. Such people tend to be highly frustrated by & may even feel disdain for each other’s style. It can be particularly painful for a sensitive child -strongly NF- to be raised by a mother who is strongly ST.

✓ Ns use the same concrete / real-world experiences to ‘see’ things as Ss, but much of it is subliminal, so they can’t always put into words how they reached conclusions – they just know.
✓ To the S this is hocus-pocus, since they don’t trust anything they don’t gather from their own experience or from empirical research, & which can be clearly, logically verbalized.3. THINKING (T) vs FEELING (F)
Preferred way of coming to DECISIONS.  Can be either Introverted or Extroverted (Ti or Te / Fi or Fe) , & each is part of the Perceiving style
We all use both forms, but put more trust in one, some decisions being made entirely from the T or the F side.

What makes some Decisions very difficult is when there’s an intense conflict between head & heart (T & F), in which case our dominant preference will win.
Easier decisions, the ones that feel good, are usually the result of our T & F sides being ‘on the same page’ (in agreement).

• Thinking (T) – These are the analytical/ logic types – but does not indicate how smart one is.  They tend to make decisions in a rational, impartial way, based on what they believe to be correct info, using pre-defined axioms & rules of behavior, as well as Fairness (everyone treated equally).

Ts assess & analyze whether the info received makes sense & whether or not something works – such as the concept of gravity. Then decisions come from using cause/effect, if/then, true/false choices to for validity.

EXP: Those who research a product via Consumer Reports, buy the best one to meet their needs, whether or not they like it, do the ‘Right Thing’, form guidelines to follow for performing tasks ….   (Re. HATS ➡️ )

— 💛 —
• Feeling (F) – The importance of info is determine holistically, & perceptions are evaluated based on a sense of harmony, to maintain peace. It’s about making value judgements – whether things are good or bad.
EXP: The person who ‘Feels’ that stealing is right/wrong
NOTE: This MBTI category is not about emotion, but rather a reasoning process handled in the higher brain (cortex). Contrast this with the inner brain’s limbic system which responds to stimuli we (call) experience as emotion.
‘Feelers’ are more empathic (pick up on others’ emotions), make subjective decisions on a case-by-case basis, & use feelings they believe to be right rooted in their own values. Here ‘Fairness’ means that individuals is treated equally.

EXP: When we – buy something because we like it / don’t say something that ‘ll upset another person / decide not to take a job because we don’t like the work environment / decide to move somewhere new to be close to someone we care about….

NOTE:  The Thinking – Feeling level is the only one that generates a gender bias.
The Thinking Woman swims against the current in most areas of life, especially at work. If she’s decisive & objective — she’s branded hard, cold, unfeminine……
The Feeling Male is also disrespected – called soft, weak, a pushover …… for having a caring nature.

NEXT: Intro- Extra-verts

Myers-Briggs INTRO (Part 2a)

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PREVIOUS: MBTI Basics #1b

SITE: How Each Myers-Briggs Type Reacts to Stress (& Help!)

NOTE: Each dichotomy is on a continuum, from most….<— to —>most…..

OVERVIEW
The 2 ‘OUTER’  levels (E-I & J-P)

1. EXTROVERSION (E) vs INTROVERSION (I)
Where we prefer to put our ATTENTION, & get our energy from
• Extroverts focus on what’s happening in the real world around them – always in the present moment. Outward-oriented, Es get their mental energy by being around other people & in social situations. They think out loud, so can be quite talkative.

Strongly Extroverted people will gravitate to big events such as rock concerts, have season tickets to sporting events, go to big parties, conferences, loud family gatherings…. energized by conversations, excitement, noise, activities…… After a big events, they’ll look for the stimulation to continue, going on to another location &/or hanging out with friends

EXP: Es can get into a lively discussion or debate while paying attention to what everyone is saying / make a meal for a party / participate in a rally / play a group game / join a study group / lead a class …..
— 💋 —
• Introverts focus on what’s going on inside their mind, which can involve the past, present or future events. They’re usually more private, contained & a lot quieter than Es, but internally very ‘busy’. They get their mental energy from being alone, needing privacy to recharge, preferring to work through ideas by thinking about them first, before expressing them out loud. Large groups of any kind are draining.

Is still need & like people, but want their interactions to be a lot less noisy, less crowded & less chaotic. They can also be found at big events, along with the Es, but after all of that external input they can’t wait to get away & regroup in a quiet environment. If possible, they’ll leave early. And unless they really love it – or if work requires it or family insists – they’re not likely to repeat the experience.

Instead they do very well with 1 or 2 close friends or small groups, because their neuro-chemicals more sensitive. (See Posts ‘MBTI & the Brain’).

This characteristic even shows up in shopping – for an I to be in a store or mall with too many options to choose from  – like ‘Bed, Bath & Beyond’ – can feel just as confusing & overwhelming as being in a boisterous crowd (“Pick me, no pick me., no me…”) !!

EXP:  Is can get caught up in a good book / think about what they’re going to say or do / are aware of how they feel / daydream or imagine / think through a problem to understand it / review & process an interaction they’ve just had ….                                      4. JUDGING (J) vs PERCEIVING (P)
Preferred way of DEALING WITH the world around us, & can be either Introverted or Extroverted

• Judging (J) – These people prefer to be in charge, tend to be highly organized & methodical.
They’re neat, orderly, stable, & like to make extensive use of lists & calendars. They want things to be settled – so they plan & get things done way ahead of time.

EXP: Someone who form & expresses judgments / brings closure to an issue so they can move on / picks places to go ahead of time by doing research / concentrates on reaching goals & ‘doing’ their lists…..
— 👠 —
• Perceiving (P) – These people prefer to let things play out by themself. They’re usually spontaneous & flexible, having a more open-ended approach to plans, deciding their next move in the moment, & tend to get things done at the last minute.
EXP: People who postpone decisions to see what other options are available / decide what else to do as we’re doing it, rather than forming a plan ahead of time / do things at the last minute / do a lot of research but not act on it because we can’t decide…..
NOTE: The practical differences between Js & Ps are quite noticeable & sometimes cause a lot of conflict.
EXP : A strongly J person can become very frustrated by a P’s careless casualness or indecisiveness, while a strong P can feel limited & controlled by a strong J , BUT even so will may make use of the J‘s extensive planning & preparedness (like on a trip), which can cause the J to feel angry for being taken advantage of!
On the other hand, a ‘mixed’ couple (one of each – friend, spouse, biz  partners…. ) can be complementary if they’re both mature enough to accept their different styles, & use those to accomplish mutual goals.

The 4 MBTI levels combine into 16 types, 8 Introverted & 8 Extroverted

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 NEXT: MBTI Basics #2b

Myers-Briggs INTRO (Part 1a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

I‘VE ALWAYS WONDERED why I do things!

PREVIOUS: Psychological Disorders #6

SITEs: M-B: Does it pay to know your type? (includes some MBTI history)
• The Dynamic Basis for Type 

ORIGIN: MBTI is a personality inventory used by psychologists, as well as a tool for self-discovery, made up of 4 dichotomies (8 opposing functions). In yr. 2000, an estimated two million people took the test, making it the most frequently used inventory available. First introduced in 1942, it was the work of mother & daughter Katharine C. Myers Briggs and Isabel Briggs.

It’s based on Carl Jung’s theory of types, outlined in his 1921 work Psychological Types, which said that human behavior follows from an inborn Extroverted (E) or Introverted (I) way of being energized & of interacting with the world. This became the 1st level. (MBTI History….)

*** Jung also identified 2 basic functions of Consciousness
💚 Perceiving: Making decisions – either by Thinking or Feeling (T/F).

👁 Judging: Absorbing info – either by Sensing or Intuition (S/N)

S-N & T-F became levels 2 & 3, which are the core of typing. (MORE….)

Is was Isobel Myers who later listed Judging & Perceiving as separate components, giving us the 4th level. Each preferred function is expressed consciously (T over F, E over I….), while its less desired opposite shows up as behaviors driven by repressed, unconscious parts of our personality (as character defects?) (MORE… )

TOO SIMPLE? At first glance, only looking at the 4 opposite categories (which are on a broad continuum), the MBTI may seem simplistic. BUT – there are many nuances derived from various sets of connections, yielding a valuable range of deeper & more detailed personality insights.

• PREFERENCES: Our ‘mental process’ comes from using MBTI’s 2 middle levels (S-N, T-F), to identify each type’s preferences, from most to least, which form Stacks. The strongest one has the most powerful influence on our personality growth. If allowed to develop naturally, we come to trust this favored style, the Dominant (ENFJ = Extroverted Feeling), & our second most preferred one becomes the Auxiliary (ENFJ = Introverted Thinking).  (More in future posts)

Type falsification: However, too often family, school & culture won’t let us develop on a natural path. EXP: A child who easily prefers the T function will try to make logical, objective decisions, but is made to feel guilty by an F-oriented family for not focusing enough on group harmony & other Feeler values.

So this child grows up devaluing their preferred dominant &/or auxiliary functions, having been pushed to develop other less-natural ones instead. Gradually they’ll ignore & then suppress the ability to trust their inborn decision-making process (T), or not notice & use important T info that could give them throughout life.

This CHART shows how Jung’s Psyche components generate the 4 functions – from a fascinating article of a Jungian analysis of Shakespeare’s ‘Macbeth’, which includes the False Self, a lack of S & I, the Shadow…..

JUNGIAN definitions
🔇 Introversion – A focus of the ego /conscious Self on ones internal world, which includes the collective unconscious & its archetypes. An orientation to life via “subjective psychic content”.

NOT isolators, not intrinsically shy or withdrawn, Is are however more comfortable living within the ‘limits’ of their inner world of thoughts, feelings, fantasies & dreams. They don’t like crowds, noise & hub-hub, but can be very talkative & sociable on a one-to-one basis.

📣 Extraversion – A concentration of interest in external objects – whereby the ego/overall personality is mainly concerned with gaining enjoyment & satisfaction from what is outside the Self. Es greatly enjoy human interactions – being assertive, enthusiastic, gregarious & talkative.

NOT : automatically socially adept, easy with everyone or know what to say in very situation. Wounded extroverts are likely to sit on the sidelines & wait to be approached, or hide behind work, activities & authority roles.

🌓 🌗 AMBIVERT – for those of us who straddle the Type fence of choices .  Also see: “The Ambivert advantage”

👂🏾 If you want to know what an Extrovert is thinking, just listen.
👄 If you want to know what an Introvert is thinking, you have to ask them.
Read EXPLANATIONS ⬆

NEXT: M-B Intro #1b

Mental Health DON’Ts – Emotional (Part 1b)

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Screen Shot 2016-07-03 at 1.37.13 AM
MENTAL HEALTH
is easy – and fun!



PREVIOUS: EHP – Part 1a


SITE: Physiology and Biology of Mental Toughness

 

REMINDER: To be Mentally/ Emotionally well we need to develop the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent (UNIT). What the “Don’ts” represent are characteristics of our damage, run by our WIC (Damaged Child) & PP  (Introject) – but can be corrected.
Understanding the specifics of our childhood traumas helps to accept the reality that we can’t ‘Just do it’ or ‘Just let go’. All of Recovery is a process – for everyone.
ALSO, each of us will have our own specific issues that are definitely more deeply ingrained than others & will therefore take longer to heal. Some will never go away, but can be greatly diminished, & we can learn to manage them whenever they do surface.

EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY People (EHP):
🔸EHP Don’t thrive on chaos
Successful people simplify life. They know that having as much order as possible in all parts of their life allows then to accomplish their goals, & not have to waste time looking for things or dealing with emotional drama.happy/sad

🔸EHP Don’t try to be happy all the time
One of the coping mechanisms for ACoA is the try to be ‘UP’ or ‘positive’ all the time. This usually applies to the Hero (Toxic Role) or the “Good girl/boy” false persona. This is as unrealistic as being miserable all the time. It’s just another way to deny having a wide range of emotions. For every ACoA, no matter our style, our underlying emotion is fear/terror. So we try to feel safe before we can truly be happy.

No one is happy all the time. Feeling peaceful & content – a day at a time – does not mean having no complaints, dislikes or distress. EHP don’t try to avoid painful emotions but incorporate them in an effort to be whole, to honor their True Self. They know that happiness, victory & fulfillment are a wonderful, valuable part of life, but not the whole story.

EHP learn from their ‘mistakes’ & correct distorted thinking, so avoid repeating harmful patterns. This may include making amends to others (AA’s 8th & 9th Steps) & forgiving themselves for ignorant or stubborn adherence to their Toxic Rules, so they no longer have to obsess about what happened in the past.
EHP know this takes time & need patience & perseverance to always be moving forward, no matter how slowly. One 12-Step slogan says: “Look back but don’t starelive in the present”.
Some benefits from thinking about the past can be: identifying the lessons, considering facts not just emotions, & looking at PPT from a new perspective.

🔸EHP Don’t violate / sacrifice personal values
Each of us have more than one value system – what we were taught by our family, by our religion, our early social environment, AND what we develop in ourselves from our Core Truth. Some of these may overlap, some may not. The problem for ACoAs is that we are either not allowed to find out what we truly believe, or more often have been so brainwashed by our toxic upbringing that we’re not allowed to live according to our personal beliefs even if we know what they are. (Core Values lists)

EHP have figured out what they consider important – even essential – to their identity, for themselves & in relation to the rest of the world. A value is a belief, a mission, or a philosophy that is meaningful but not always conscious – as many are taken for granted. They know that their personal Core Values are not automatically the same as that of other people or institutions, & they don’t try to impose them on others.

They do NOT value the impossible, like perfectionism, eternal human love, fairness…. They know everyone falls short sometimes, so they get back on the horse when they don’t live up to their ideals, & are also patient & forgiving to others when they also fall short.

NEXT: MENTAL health Don’ts, 1c

Mental Health DON’Ts – Emotional (Part 1a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

live wellLIVING WELL
is the best revenge!

PREVIOUS: Psych Disorders #6

SITE: 10 Things (physically) Healthy People do differently

SOURCE: Composite of many lists, including Amy Morin’s “13 things Mentally Strong people Don’t Do.” – about being in charge of our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.)


EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY People (EHP):

🔸EHP Don’t Avoid Alone-Time
Many ACoAs are addicted to relationships & to staying busy, no matter how unsatisfying or damaging. They always need to be with or around someone, rescuing others or creating chaos, running away from themselves or desperate to hang on. They never seem to slow down enough to feel emotions, evaluate their motives or stop self-defeating behaviors.

ACoAs in Recovery often say they don’t know what to do with unstructured hours – because it’s for just themself. They feel depressed, too lonely, can’t decide what to do, aren’t allowed to have fun or relax….. wasting precious time on weekends or holidays, & then go back to their rat-race. Even those of us who are highly accomplished & talented are motivated by fear, rather than self-esteem.

But EHP treasure time by themself – to reflect, plan ahead, have alone timefun, be creative, do something not related to their work-life, OR just rest! And there are times when it’s truly necessary to pull back in order to allow internal healing, but it’s not endless.

EHP don’t need others to give them a direction or make them feel OK. They can be happy with others, but also happy alone. They’re comfortable with their thoughts & emotions, & when stressed they know how to comfort themself. They know that changing their routine or ‘vegging’ is crucial to mental & physical health. They know that play is part of a well-balanced life, so don’t need to be constantly ‘producing’ something to validate their existence.

🔸EHP Don’t Feel Pessimistic
ACoAs are more likely to see themself (S-H), others & the world from a negative point of view (hopelessness & some paranoia). The adults we grew up with either ignored us or were judgmental of everyone & everything, so we took on the same perspective. This means ignoring all the positive things available in life, including the good things that we have experienced.

EHP generally feel optimistic about their life & their future, without ignoring stresses or hoping for magic outcomes. They don’t let temporary difficulties or unimportant annoyances get them down – at least not for long. They know that obstacles are part of life, so they make an effort to solve whatever they can, & accept what they can’t change (Serenity  Prayer – backwards??).feel positive
They don’t focus on their weaknesses – while still acknowledging them. No one can be perfect, so they don’t waste time trying. Instead, they continue working on improving themselves rather than feeling defeated.

🔸EHP Don’t Feel Sorry for Themself
There’s a difference between feeling sorry for ourselves & healthy compassion for all we’ve been thru. The Victim’s outlook is that they can’t function because of being abused. While their childhood trauma was real, as adults they refuse to work on healing those wounds, which would improve their present & future. Their ‘position’ is that as long as they’re ‘incapacitated’ someone else will have to take care of them. If no one does, they stay helpless & depressed.

🔸EHP compassionately acknowledge past distress, while fully accepting the unfair & painful truth that they’re responsible for cleaning up the PMES mess their unhealthy family passed on.  compassionThey’re able to emerge from stressful circumstances with self-awareness & self-respect, even appreciating the lessons they’ve learned. When things don’t go well in the present, they find realistic ways to manage, get the support they need, & believe in their worth – no matter what.

They ALSO know it’s OK to feel sorry for oneself briefly from time to time, especially after an event that’s out of their control. It’s important to lick their wounds to regroup & regain strength, before moving on. EHP have gratitude for their positive qualities & the good thing they already have.

NEXT: EHP – Part 1b

Psychological DISORDERS – PDs (Part 4b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

TRYING TO BE SOCIAL
is such hard work!

PREVIOUS: Disorders #4a

SITE: ‘Somatization’ & Psych terms used as swear words

HUMOR: 35 Undiagnosed Medical Conditions of Disney Characters 

1. NORMAL // 2. NEUROSES

3. PERSONALITY DISORDERS (PDs) (cont)
PDs describe types of ‘damage’ in adults who have long-standing problems in forming deep, meaningful, positive relationships with others. These people often show unusual, rigid or extreme patterns of thought, emotional reactions, &/or impulsive behavior, which consistently lead to problems for themself & others

● The brain uses Self-concept as a guide for interpreting the world. People with this diagnosis have a wounded core identity. How dysfunctional they are depends on how intensely they act in self-defeating ways.  
= At one extreme – some PD people assume they’re invulnerable & have a right to feel superior. They’re insulated in their carefully built shell of defenses, and flatly deny having a wounded core

= However, most feel empty, bad, ‘not right’ in their basic sense of Self.  Their sense of badness has a physical quality – as if it’s in their very bones or cells. They they truly believe it they’re not, & say there’s never been a time when they felt OK.
Transactional Analysis theory explains that this sense of wrongness comes from their WIC’s child parts (C1 or C0) – the most vulnerable aspect of personality. So this feeling is ego-syntonic – it ‘makes sense’ to them on a gut level, with no inner conflict, as there is with neurotics. So the damage started very early, likely at birth (Co).

Using the Gestalt technique, if we visualize putting a person’s Adult & Parents voices in 2 opposite chairs, & imagine the Inner Child between them, we ask the person “How do you feel about your IC?” Most people will have a fairly positive reaction.
In contrast, many PDs will say they hate their child – that it’s ugly, dirty, disgusting, full of needs ….. expressing their ingrained sense of worthlessness (typical of many ACoAs!).

💚 SIDEBAR: There is now a “Grand Unified Theory” of psychology (GUT) – the relationship between psychology & neuroscience …..which clearly defines how the field relates to other disciplines (biology & sociology….) . It’s made up of :
1) the Tree of Knowledge System // 2) the Justification Hypothesis
3) the Influence Matrix  // 4) Behavioral Investment Theory (MORE….)  

✥ Relational INFLUENCE Matrix (IM)
It maps how people represent themself in relation to others. It grew out of the Behavioral Investment Theory of social motivational & emotional processes, based on Attachment Theory.  The Matrix makes 2 main points:
a. Humans are motivated by the need to be loved, admired & respected
b. They are equally driven by the need to avoid loss – being rejected, criticized or ostracized
(Freud’s Pleasure-Pain principal)

The green boxes at the BLACK axis points show that people have a mental/ emotional picture of how valuable different types of relationships are, & tend to approach or avoid them accordingly.
💗 EXP: Having ‘HI relational value’ can come from accomplishing something really hard that other people admire or love you for.

✥ Personality Disorder Star (these 2 CHARTS)
Karen Horney’s 3 main NEEDS – ways of relating to others – exactly parallel the IM dimensions (above) : Power is used to move against, Love for moving toward & Freedom for moving away – separate pathways to deciding relational value

HOWEVER – People with PDs consistently act in ways that reduce the relational value of themself & others – their self-defeating behavior causing everyone so much distress.
EXP: PDs are grouped by the direction of MOVEMENT  –
• Against = Narcissistic – hyper-competitive, constantly act superior to others (Steve Jobs)
• Away = Schizoid – deep detachment, without emotional connection & responsiveness
• Toward = Dependent – desperate fear of abandonment, they submit to the will of others to avoid rejection, & a need to caretake then

This star shows how certain PDs are the opposites of other negative personality characteristics.
Cluster A people are extreme on the need for Freedom dimension
Cluster B people are mainly selfish, competitive, manipulative & controlling
Cluster C people (especially Avoidant & Dependent PDs) are deeply concerned with affiliation – come here or go away – at any cost

NOTE that only 6 out of the 10 PDs are represented. The others tend to be combinations.
EXP: Borderlines (BPD) fluctuate between strong displays of dependency/ neediness followed by extreme displays of reactive hostility – described in”I hate you, don’t leave me” by Kreitman & Straus. They are less rigid than most PDs, with a weak or fragmented identity, & strong need for all 3 (power, love & freedom), covering a basically insecure Self (LO relational value).
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NEXT: Personality Disorders (Part 4c)

Psychological DISORDERS – PDs (Part 4a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

I CAN’T HELP IT if I’m afraid of everything!

PREVIOUS: Psych Disorders (#3c)

POSTs: EGO States – summary

SITE: Re. PSYCH terms used as swear words

HUMOR: Hollywood PDs, as “Cars in the parking lot”

 

1. NORMAL  // 2. NEUROSES

3. PERSONALITY DISORDERS (PDs)
They are a group of 10 PMES mental/emotional illnesses, consisting of  internal maladaptive – thinking (Ts), experiencing (Es) & behavior (As) – that deviate from norms & expectations of the person’s culture. These PDs make it very hard for the sufferers to accurately understand or relate to other people & situations.

PDs are pervasive & inflexible (unlike neuroses), have an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, are stable over time (consistent, persistent), & lead to emotional distress & impaired ‘normal’ functioning. Skodol, 2005 :
— PDs are about 15% of the US population, 10% worldwide
— They are usually chronic, & difficult to treat
— A person can be diagnosed with more than one PD, usually from the same cluster.
— Identifying a person’s specific PD (Axis I of the DSM) can help clinicians evaluate the risk of suicide & other psychological problems (any on Axis II) often accompanying PDs

This category fits into the hierarchy of mental states – Highest to Lowest functioning:
1. Healthy —-> 2. Neurotics —-> 3. Personality Disordered (PD)—-> 4. Sociopaths/Psychopaths —-> 5. Psychotics (who are not at all in reality)

●  All human traits range from
healthy & adaptive <—> to unhealthy & maladaptive.
PDs fall into the orange & red sectors, because the dysfunction affects every part of a person’s life, usually as a result of an ongoing traumatic childhood. PDs tends to severely limit success in school, relationships, social encounters, work.

OVERVIEW – Main Symptoms of PDs
a. Distorted thinking patterns (CDs)
b. Over / under – regulated impulse control
• Odd / eccentric behavior patterns
• In some cases, periods of losing contact with reality (dissociations)
c. Interpersonal difficulties
• Avoid other people, feel empty & emotionally disconnected
• Trouble sustaining stable/close relationships (partners, children, professional helpers)

d. Problematic emotional responses
•  Overwhelmed by distress, anxiety, anger & worthlessness
• Trouble managing uncomfortable/painful emotions, especially without self-harming – use self-cutting, promiscuity, belligerent, withholding, chemical abuse… in order to ‘cope’ – but rarely harm others physically. Exceptions : bullying people,  torturing animals

CLUSTERS – CHART
Based on similarities, PDs are grouped into:
A – 3 “odd, eccentric” types: social awkwardness & withdrawal (MORE….) .  Dominated by distorted thinking, & extremes, they go:
— from eccentricity to fantasy
— from lonely to schizoid hiding
— from distorted thinking to delusion to paranoia
— from projective identification to projecting guilt on to others…..
Paranoid (2%) “The world is hostile, so don’t trust anyone, & deal with people by being angry & attacking.”
Schizoid – “The world is scary so I withdraw from it (people), & don’t show any emotion or other needs/feelings”
Schizotypal – “The world is too scary, so I withdraw from it (people), & being a bit crazy, I don’t think clearly”

B – 4 “dramatic, emotional, erratic” types
UNDER- controlled: People in this cluster share the pattern of little or no impulse control & have trouble emotionally regulating themself. This can include failure to plan ahead, or to consider the long-term consequences of their actions. At the extreme they can end up getting into trouble (like breaking the law), & hurting others.

Antisocial (3%) “You can’t trust anyone & life’s unfair, so I take advantage of people & do whatever I like”
Borderline (1-2%) “Relationships & life are very unreliable, so I frantically do anything to keep people around”
Histrionic (2-3%) “I must be the center of attention, so I will be dramatic, flirtatious & highly emotional”
Narcissistic (1%) “I’ve always been told that I’m very important & the best, so I agree & act that way”

C – 3 “anxious, fearful” types  
OVER- controlled: This group shares a pattern of social inhibition, a deep sense of inadequacy, & hyper-sensitivity to other people’s negative opinions. They’re afraid to try new things lest they embarrass themself, & get ridiculed or outright rejected. They hold back around others, so can come across as uptight & snobbish. They lack spontaneity, since every action must be considered for its potential to cause themself emotional pain

Avoidant (1-10%) “Life is scary & rejecting, so I feel worthless & withdraw ”
Dependent (0.5%) “I’m worthless & can’t cope with life, so I cling to others & do what they tell me”
Obsessive/compulsive (1-8%?) “Everything around me is chaotic, so I have to be in control of myself & everything in my life, by being orderly & perfectionistic (MORE….)

Other PDs not in DSM IV
— Cyclothymic: Mood swings from Hi to Lo, with evenness in between – not as extreme as Manic-Depression
— Masochistic (self-defeating): A need to fail, deliberately putting obstacles in ones own way to cause themself frustration, grief, setbacks & suffering

— Passive-aggressive: See POSTS
<— Sadistic: Derive pleasure from harming or humiliating others, using aggressive, cruel, demeaning & manipulative behavior

NEXT: Personality Disorders (Part 4b)