Personal Growth

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ People (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

WHATEVER I CAN GET AWAY WITH is OK with me!
PREVIOUS : Passive -Aggr #2

SITE:  Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist

1. P-A CATEGORIES (Part 2)

 2. Passice-aggressive (P-A) Manipulation TACTICS
It’s very important to be clear about covert fighting in order to avoid being victimized by any character (personality) disordered manipulator – in this case the P-A. A person’s habitual style of relating is dysfunctional or disturbed if it is:
• Defective – their sense of right & wrong is strikingly weak, immature, or missing
• Inflexible – they don’t willingly soften their responses or use alternative coping strategies
• Resistant – won’t modify their way of relating, even if those are negative or have dire consequence
• Severe – this is when their natural tendencies becomes so overbearing & intense that they go way beyond what their culture considers ‘normal’. Sadly, our society actually encourages & rewards many manipulative behaviors.  (MORE….)

Neurotics have a very powerful, over-developed conscience (superego), with an intense sense of right & wrong. They often set themselves standards that are difficult – if not impossible – to meet, judging themselves harshly when they don’t feel they’ve done enough.

On the other hand, the disordered character’s conscience (little voice that guides most people to do what’s ‘right’) is severely underdeveloped & impaired, & in the worst cases, is absent altogether. This makes it easy for them to hurt people often & severely – without considering the other’s feelings.
And if they do hear that inner voice, they can easily silence it, so they don’t have a reason to “push” themselves to take responsibility. They are shallow, lack empathy & exploit, use & abuse others, often without a second thought. (Narc characteristics)

P-A ‘fighting’ style
SO – when you confront a character-impaired (P-A) person about something they’ve neglected or done wrong, they will fight dirty to divert attention from the real issue. People who either place themselves above (NPDs) or are at war with (P-As) the principles that build integrity into a person’s character (honesty, fairness, kindness, respect….), will use just about any behavior or tactic possible to manipulate. (MORE….)

They ‘sneak-fight’, doing 3 things at once:
1. Fight you for a position of advantage in your relationship (try to back you into a corner to get you to back-off or back-down)
2. Fight to maintain an undeserved positive image
3. Fight against accepting whatever action or principle they know you’d like them to accept
(EXP: that trust in relationships is based on being honest)

Unfortunately, when a P-A is tap-dancing to defend themself, as opposed to just fighting for their point of view, you’re bound to lose. This tells you the behaviors will inevitably recur, because they can’t do both at the same time – fight against a principle & accept it at the same time.  (MORE….)

The P-A CONFLICT CYCLE – see it coming & get out of the way!
Stage 1 – As they grow up, P-As come to believe that any direct expression of anger is dangerous & has to be avoided at all cost. They solve the dilemma of what to do with their anger by developing P-A behaviors

Stage 2 – A stressful situation triggers a P-A’s irrational thinking,  based on early life experiences.
EXP: A teacher asks a student to pass out a worksheet, but instead of feeling honored by being able to help, they’ll be resentful because the request triggers a family history of always being told to do things without ever being appreciated for it

Stage 3 – The P-A denies their anger, which leads to projecting it onto others, making up ‘stories’ & feeling resentful, even paranoid
Stage 4 – P-As actively display their denied anger, using one or more tactics listed in the post “Symptoms of P-A Anger – in us” 

Stage 5 – Reactions of others, which are usually negative. This is often what the P-A is hoping for, as it relieves an inner tension, & makes others the ‘bad guy’. Those reactions only reinforces the negative behavior, continuing the cycle.
The rest of the article offers ways to identify P-A behaviors & how to overcome them

NEXT: P-A ‘Nice People”‘, #4

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 8a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

I CAN BE FREE OF some GUILT
if I admit when I mess things up

PREVIOUS: Adult forgiveness (#7c)

SITEs: “How to apologize : Asking for forgiveness gracefully” 


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 7a, b, c = FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS

TOOL 8a. FORGIVEN by OTHERS
DEF – It is when someone we have hurt:
• grants pardon for or absolves us of a mistake or wrongdoing
• no longer blames or feels resentment toward us
• frees us from a previous obligation or penalty

QUOTEs: “A relationship is only as strong as each individual’s capacity to forgive and ask for forgiveness.”
• “Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong, & the other person is right. It can mean you value the relationship more than your ego.”

ASKING for Forgiveness
We know that a component of Co-dep fake-niceness is the desire to hide our guilt at having been less than honorable toward others. Clearing out some of the underbrush of our moth-eaten defenses (P-P) means being willing to ‘make amends’ for our negative reactions, whenever possible. This begins with telling the truth about our behavior, without over- or under- stating it.

A FEW problem areas that can harm others:
Being controlling, close-minded, dependent, dishonest, judgmental, narcissistic, prejudiced, perfectionistic, superior …..
For more, refer to the 3 posts ‘How ACoAs abandon others‘ & both Laundry Lists.

AA’s Step 8 : “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all”

Step 9 : “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others”

► While implementing the 9th Step is for our personal growth, it should not be taken without serious thought & preparation. It’s not going to help our healing if we don’t have a genuine desire to mend the breach with someone, but only do it because we’re supposed to, or are only thinking of how it will benefit ourself.
That narcissistic approach will likely anger the other person, & leave us confused & bitter.
Making amends is about ‘amending’ our ways, otherwise a verbal apology is hollow.

But, before we can consider asking to be forgiven, we need to look at who we’re going to apologize to & exactly for what. (‘Making amends is more than an apology)

1. WHO: Note that Al-Anon/AA Step #8 says “be willing“, but #9 cautions “except when.…”.
• In some cases we’ll never be able to connect with the person we owe an amends to because they’re simply not available – from death, unknown location, or not wanting any contact with us. Then go back to Step 5 to put that specific event to rest.

• Also, there are times when telling someone what we did to-or-against them will hurt them much more than staying silence, especially if they were unaware of our misdeeds. Always consider the consequences of your words. It’s not their job to make you feel better!

• And, just because some unhealthy people accuse us of being abusive when we accidentally push their buttons, don’t do what they want or don’t agree with them, set a boundary or stand up for ourselves….. (because they don’t feel safe unless everyone is apologizingtheir carbon copy), it does NOT mean we owe them an apology.

💛 We can acknowledge their feelings by saying we understand they don’t like something we did or said – or not. Period. Don’t add buts, excuses or explanations. As long as you know you’re being true to yourselves in that situation – you’re OK.
We are responsible for being as ‘clean’ in motive & action as we can, but NOT for how others react – regardless of our behavior.

NEXT: Forgiven for WHAT (#8b)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 7c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

IT’S GOOD TO KNOW
I have lots of options

PREVIOUS: ADULT forgiveness, #7b

SITEs: An artist’s COMMITMENT to life
• Forgive Yourself to Heal  – an abuse survivor’s journey

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 7c. FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS
1. LETTING GO of old patterns AND
2. GIVING UP torturing ourselves

LETTING GO means ACCEPTING.….(7b)

GROWTH starts with accepting Al-Anon’s 3 As:
“I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it.”
We can then let go of self-recrimination for anything, because that is not taking responsibility (scroll down). We need to correct distorted thinking, & stop blaming or attacking ourselves for what may or may not be inadequacies & deficiencies

❇️ Being responsible IS acknowledging something we’ve said, felt or done (or didn’t) – without adding “…..and therefore I’m bad.”

PROCESS
• Use these 18 Steps to process any Ts, Es or As you feel guilty about, as a way to take responsibility
• Write down what you’ve learned from any of the TOOLS (1-6) you’re in the process of using, & any actions you’ve taken to repair or make amends. Let this sink in. Appreciate yourself.

• Decide what if anything remains to be done – inside your own heart or out in the world – and then do it.
Let it sink in that you’re doing it, & appreciate yourself for this too.

• Consciously continue forgiving yourself when needed:
“I forgive myself today for ______ , knowing that even with self-defeating T.E.A.s I am a good person with the RIGHT to be valued & loved. I take responsibility for my life (but not for other adults) & do what I can to make things better.”

PRACTICE Self-Forgiveness. Give yourself the empathy you always craved as a child. (“Is self-love selfish?” 10 good Answers) (10 Scientific & Medical Reasons Why We Should Be Compassionate)

Every morning look in the mirror & say to yourself:
❣️ I love you Inner Child. I am grateful for another day
❣️ I am accountable for my Adult decisions & actions today
❣️ I forgive me for anything that was not forgiven last night
❣️ I love you. Lets have a great day!

And each evening, look & say:
💜 I love you. I’m sorry for anything left undone today
💜 I’m sorry for any fearful decisions & actions today
💜 I forgive myself, & am grateful for total forgiveness
💜 I accept & enjoy ALL my blessings. I love you. Sleep well. (MORE…..)

NOTE: Compassion is wired in from birth  because it’s good for us & for humanity. Both animals & humans have what Dr. Keltner at U of C Berkeley, coined as “compassionate instinct.” It’s a natural, automatic response that has ensured our survival.

• But as ACoAs we know it can be cruelly suppressed by family & community! AND used by sick adults to make us ‘take care’ of’ them so they didn’t have to be responsible for themself.

Other suggestions for healing
Putting time & caring into each activity reinforces the determination to outgrow co-dep & re-connect with your Natural Compassion.
REPEAT often!
• Write a letter to your WIC listing all the things you’re ‘letting go‘ of on his/her behalf
• Build a visual bridge – from here to where you want to be

• Write a positive 3rd person story or poem as the narrator, about how the main character (you) is freeing themself of guilt & shame
• Create a tangible expression of old painful experiences AND of your fondest wishes, using :
– sand tray art, with suggested ideas for adults
– a collage, drawings or junk sculptures (Google images) to express emotions

• Make a memory bracelet or necklace with a colored bead or charm for every time you have already forgiven yourself, & add one when you do so from now on (w/ memory wire)

• Do something physical you enjoy – to release anger & hurt (run, bike, dance, t’ai chi, yoga, swim…..)
• Use Trauma Release work on unfinished business:
= Several methods – scroll down // About the Pain Body  // Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises // Dealing with Recent or Childhood Trauma

►  The benefits of letting go & acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to outgrow our damage – by releasing the rage at ourselves & at our abusers.
NOTE: For daily clearing, see STEP 10 – 3 posts

NEXT: Outgrowing, #8a

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 7a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery


I HAVE A LOT OF WORK
ahead of me!

PREVIOUS: Outgrow co-dep (#6b)

SITE : “How is Forgiveness Possible?“- a philosophical essay, complex & interesting

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”(cont.)
TOOL 5a & b = FORGIVING OTHERS
TOOL 6a & b = Healing CHILDHOOD T.E.A.s

TOOL 7a = FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS – is to:
1. LET GO of old patterns (As), harsh judgements & pointless comparisons (Ts) (“Letting go means….“), AND to:
2. GIVE UP torturing ourselves for all the ways we’ve messed up (T.E.As)

IN ADULTHOOD
The many ways we have hurt ourself & other people has been the result of our specific personality‘s reactions to a very unhealthy upbringing. To outgrow co-dep it’s crucial to accept that, like everyone else, our dysfunction was a predictable outcome of our childhood experiences. We need to identify our ‘character defects’ in the light of our early training – instead of assuming they represent our basic self.

ACoA 4th Step: “We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them” (Posts: Family Inventory // Their attitudes).
Co-dependent fake-niceness tries to hide our angry disappointment at not being loved & cared for by our family.
So we’re horrified at the suggestion that we might have  turned into a version of them. “NOT ME! I’ll never let myself drink too much, yell at & beat my mate & kids, lay around like a queen bee, be so controlling, be unfair, be poor, throw things, cheat, gamble, lie, pretend everything’s fine when it’s not…

AND YET, maybe only on the inside, we’re just as judgemental about others, hard on ourselves, afraid & insecure, fake, skeptical or naive, afraid of intimacy …. as them. And we don’t want anyone to know, not even ourself.
Yes, our long-term self-defeating behaviors are indeed aspects of our parents, incorporated into & modified by the WIC. But when we accept that, then self-blame can be stopped by self-forgiveness, both for all the things that were out of our control, & all the things we’ve done compulsively (unconsciously) from damage.

We can start with the inventory of our beliefs, fears, resentments, interaction with others…. and this includes all our positive qualities, skills & experience. This is not an easy task. Many of us find it difficult to identify our good qualities because of rotten mirroring, much less our ‘wrongs’, which we’re too proud to admit, or too ashamed.
Use the: ACoA 12 steps, & Laundry List Workbooks

As adults we are responsible for our actions, so now we have the option to make changes that will improve our life. It helps to separate our T.E.A.s. correctly, into:
❇️ moral faults : based on our personal value system, things we feel shame, guilt & remorse about, which need a suitable amount of repair or penalty
✦ weaknesses : things that would make our life better if corrected, but don’t deserve punishment
• normal human activities & feelings which are not wrong or bad & are NOT to be judged at all

It will benefit us most if we identify these 3 groups with a compassionate heart. Then we can decide what to keep & what to work on outgrowing. Our Time-Line Inventory will show recurring patterns.

ACoA Step 5 : “We admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment.”
Once we have our personal ‘wounded’ list (Step 4), & share it with H.P., a sponsor, therapist &/or wise friend…. we have a blueprint to work from – for ourself & in relation to others in our life.

NOTE that it doesn’t say ‘our defects’, because that label leads ACoAs to think they represent our ‘core badness’. Instead,
Abandonment leads to —> Self-hate, which leads to —-> acting out woundedness, which are expressions of the False Self.

🌈 ACoA Steps 6-9  help to give us courage to face the daunting & terrifying task of this inventory, as we absorb & apply them. READ: Realistic Recovery

NEXT: Self-Forgiveness (#7a)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , ,

THIS PART IS the hardest of all

◀️ ARTWORK from Tiny Buddha

PREVIOUS :
Outgrowing P-P , #5b 

QUOTE: “You’re the Average of the 5 people You spend the Most Time with”
– Jim Rohn “The Art of Exceptional Living”

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”(cont)

IMP :
‘Forgiving’ OURSELF
This only applies to us as adults (Parts 7a & b), when the brain is capable of self-direction – when we can understand that the ‘character defects’ of the False Self were developed in childhood, which we had no control over.

TOOL 6a. = Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A.s is to:
1. LET GO of our Self-hate (E) & endless recriminations (Ts) re. the past
(See “Letting go means….“), and to:
2. GIVE UP the compulsion to keep punishing ourself & stay miserable (Es)

Review: As earlier posts have indicated, the underpinnings to co-dep / P-P ‘niceness’ is unexpressed anger / rage. And under that is a vast sewer of stuffed emotions, the majority being fear/terror, but also disappointment, loneliness, longing, sadness, despair…..
Cleaning out our damage includes facing & dealing with our anger at our family, as well as all our other T.E.As.
It means having compassion for ourselves & living in the present.

Judgements: Along with forgiving others who have wronged us, we are told to ‘Forgive yourself’– but it’s not always clear which part of our life that refers to. Presumably it’s for all our ‘bad’ behavior, at any age.

This is tricky, because ACoA co-deps can easily take this to mean that our self-defeating patterns prove what our family said all along – that our very essence is bad/evil, which is why we’re supposed to need absolution.

Those unloving messages get added to children’s minds who automatically combine Being & Doing into one thing.  So, still run by our WIC, ACoAs are plagued by the toxic rule: “I act bad because I am bad”, which we frantically try to hide with perfectionism & P-P.

REALITY: If this Rule were true then there could be no Recovery, no second chances, no spiritual healing or growth!
We need to “come to believe” that we are not bad & therefore unlovable, but rather severely wounded, as well as perfectly imperfect!

The starting point for all Recovery is working to eliminate as much S-H as possible. See: Self-Hate & ACoAs, & counter it with ‘Emotional Needs & Resources‘, as well as ‘Emotional Maturity’ and ‘ACoAs & Self-esteem‘.

CHILDHOOD
(As) ACTIONS: When encouraged to see that S-H is a destructive lie, many ACoAs will counter by pointing out how difficult or bratty they were as teens, or even younger – as proof of their inherent ‘badness’.
Yes, some kids are quieter & some more rambunctious. But much of what our parents considered ‘misbehaving’ was a combination of:
a. our copy of & direct reactions to all the craziness we were stuck in
b. many perfectly normal kid ways – but mislabeled by unhealthy parents
(“10 Ways Kids Appear to Be Bad but Aren’t“)

(Ts) THINKING: These 2 types of actions were based on:
a. the unique magical thinking of all children, who have a self-centered focus & a limited knowledge about how the world works
b. the many distortions & omissions fed to our growing brains by abusive parents, school, religion, our neighborhood & culture…..

(Es) EMOTIONS: (see list above in “Review”) ACoAs often say they “feel crazy”- which is actually a cognitive issue, not emotional – & we did think we were because most things truly didn’t make sense. That made our world chaotic & unpredictable, which is very scary to any child, who needs to feel safe as much as to feel loved.

THIS leads us back to self-forgiveness.
Forgiveness is always used in relation to having done something wrong. But as children much of what was labeled wrong about us was not! It doesn’t mean we were angels – far from it.  But we were reacting because every day we had to cope with extremely painful & frightening events.

So it’s not appropriate or relevant to use the concept of forgiveness toward ourselves as children – for the survival strategies we developed in dire circumstances.
There is nothing to forgive. ONLY ACCEPTANCE !

NEXT: Self-Forgiveness – in childhood (#6b)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 5b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


IT’S NOT EASY
to heal old wounds

PREVIOUS: Forgiving others #5a

SITEs: 15 things Forgiveness
DOESN’T mean….

• DECONTAMINATING ‘forgiveness‘

• How to Forgive with NLP

 

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TSN) cont.

TOOL 5a. FORGIVING OTHERS (cont.)
(DEF. in Part 5a)

FORGIVING OTHERS is either:
1. for repairing relationships – to re-instate broken or lost trust
OR  2. letting go of the relationships because it cannot be repaired

NOTE: Forgiving in no way implies trusting another person, nor does it guarantee the continuation of the old relationship.

To repair a broken connection, both parties must participate.
• In some cases only one person has caused the problem – which they must own up to, & the aggrieved person will have to be willing to forgive. But forgiving a wound (to stop obsessing on the resentment) does not guarantee a reinstatement of trust. That has to be earned by the wounder, which is slow, & sometimes impossible.

Some relationships CAN NOT be fixed & some shouldn’t be. This is especially true when someone has persistently acted badly & continued to do so. Do not ignore this!
There are situations where it’s not worth the effort to reconnect. No matter how hard we try, it’s not going to work, because the other person is not willing to /capable of meeting us half way, not willing to consider what motivates their disruptive behavior. Without that, they will not change.
««
TOXIC people must be avoided whenever possible. If we’ve been exposed to one or more for any length of time, we need to get away from them as soon as possible, & then heal the aftereffects – using all our tools – so they don’t keep hurting us (inside) even once they’re gone.

• In other cases two people have butted heads, each hurting the other – reacting from unhealed damage. If the relationship is worth salvaging – to both – then each will need to go to their separate corners to figure out what in their own background set them off. Then eventually come together to share their awarenesses, using only ‘-I-‘ statements.

This too is usually slow. Sometimes each taking responsibility for their part will allow the relationship to continue – stronger – BUT it may not. While it means both know their side of the street is clean, which eliminates residual guilt & regret, they may rightly conclude they’re really not compatible, going forward. Then the parting can be sad, but prevents further hurt.

GROWTH
Letting go of anger (Es) & resentments (Ts) is internal, which must then be expressed externally by changing old patterns into healthy ACTIONS (As).

++ CHOICES – We’re responsible now for choosing to surround ourselves with people who are self-caring, positive & kind. Then there would be much less to forgive!  Recovery means being more discerning about who we trust. Since people tell us about themselves all the time – believe them!

So it’s not actually them we should trust, but ourselves. We can work our way out of denial by carefully listening to & observing what others express & then admit what we see & hear – especially when there’s a persistent pattern to someone’s erratic / cruel / narcissistic / unavailable behavior

++ SPEAKING UP – As we outgrow P-P we can be much less ready to automatically ‘forgive & forget’ indiscriminately. It’s not in anyone’s best interest. Repeatedly overlooking bad behavior in others not only harms us, but can also seriously affect loved ones, friends & co-workers who are around the acting out, to everyone’s detriment.
Our Emotional maturity includes holding people accountable for their inconsistencies & incompetence, for not keeping their agreements, for the damage they create, for abusive or disrespectful things they say…..

++ SELF-PROTECTION – Avoid blaming others when we’re upset, but speak up. Now if someone hurts our feelings or injures us in some other way, we must ask them to stop. AND their reactions are their alone!
If they won’t stop, we can remove ourselves or at least keep a distance. We are not responsible for what the other person did or did not do – only for our Es & the way we respond (As).
EXP: If someone steps on your toes, that’s on them. Definitely say OUCH! & move your foot.  If they keep stepping on it, that’s on you, for staying close enough for them to do it again & again.

NEXT: Accepting ourselves – in Childhood #6a

Co-Dep EXTERNAL Negatives – from OTHERS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , , ,

WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
I’m just trying to be nice!

PREVIOUS: External negatives – in us

SITE: Negotiation & the ‘niceness trap (4 parts, re.

The HIGH COST of being ‘too nice’ (cont.)

NOTE: This is how others can react to co-dep ‘niceness’. The ‘THEY’ applies to the unscrupulous, the walking wounded, or average joes/janes who aren’t malicious, but don’t have much psychological or personal insight.

NEGATIVE RESULTS – from OTHERS
• They take advantage of you
Being too available encourages depressed, passive-aggressive, addicted, lazy or narcissistic people (takers) to use you to their benefit – counting on your good nature, & giving nothing back! Once it’s clear that you’re ‘soft’, they’ll ignore any boundary or objection you try to apply. They’ll demand increasingly more from you, ignoring you limits

• They don’t trust you
Since most people assume that few people are genuinely kind, they’ll doubt your honesty, considering it a red flag of insincerity. This is true in many circles, where dog-eat-dog prevails. People assume you want something in return, & you do – but probably not what they think. So you risk being misunderstood, since your motive is to be liked & accepted into the ‘inner circle’, no matter how tacky or immature it is

• They have expectations
Because you always do too much, you actually train people to expect you to function way beyond what’s reasonable, or what the job calls for. This becomes their norm for you, at home & work. People actually appreciate you less, taking you for granted, & depend on you to take up their share of responsibilities

• They will people-please you
If you’re too nice all the time, your friends – or employees if you’re a boss – will be reluctant to tell you if you have distorted thinking about something or come up with an unworkable idea.  It’s a form of ‘polite deception’, since they don’t want to hurt you , & maybe they think (or know) you won’t be able to handle disagreements or reality. This prevents people from helping you think clearer, make better decisions, be emotionally healthier & more successful

• They don’t respect you
You may be seen as a wimp, a patsy, a fool, or just naive – not someone worth listening to.  If you’re a boss, they assume you’re weak, not to be looked up to or able to lead. Whatever your role (family, friends, work), you may in fact be under the delusion that you are building friendships, protecting yourself from ‘depressives’ & making yourself indispensable

HOWEVER: Most unhealthy people talk about others behind their back! Your over-niceness just gives them another topic, & when you find out – third hand – you get angry, but silently, of course!

• They don’t take you seriously
If you let others get away with their ‘crap’, if you give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they clearly don’t deserve it, if you forgive & forget too easily –  people will take your position of  taking the ‘high road’ as oblivion, stupidity or that you don’t care. They will ignore & disregard any opinions or valid suggestions you have to offer, since they assume (or know) you won’t object

• They ignore you
If you find it hard to say no, people will eventually assume you mean Yes – even when you say No. That gives them permission to keep pestering, coaxing or manipulating you to do something you actually don’t want to do, because they know you’re a pushover. Also, there are always those who will guilt trip you if you try refusing them what they want, & some people will be able to talk you into helping them with everything – even when you’re not feeling well, or are busy with other things

• They take offense
If you’re doing too much, too fast & better than everyone else, it makes others look bad, which they will resent. If you’re too positive, pleasant, willing or too flattering, the higher-ups may find it acceptable or at least tolerable, but your peers will ‘not be amused’. This can also apply to parents vs children, siblings with each other, bosses vs co-workers…..

•  They only come or call when they need something
For most people you become nothing more than a means to an end – theirs. They only contact you when they need something, whether it’s a favor, a rush job or just someone to dump their woes on. You’re just a tool to be used, albeit very caring & full of helpful information

• They find you boring
 Your conversations are not usually very interesting. If you never push back, if you never have a clear opinion, if you don’t know what you want….. it’s as if you’re a blank, invisible, not someone others can connect with – which is unsatisfying. Plus it makes them do all the work in the relationship, which is tiring.

NEXT: EXTERNAL Neg. results #2

SYMPTOMS of Co-Dep Anger – toward others

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help , , , , , , ,

WICs communicatingI’VE GOT TO BE NICE
so they won’t see my anger

PREVIOUS: Symptoms- in us

SITE: Co-Dependency  (includes characteristics Qs)

<— Inner children in adults


IMPORTANT: as you scroll thru these various lists (this & the previous), do NOT use them to berate yourself. If they are primarily psychological rather than medical, they tell us our degree of woundedness, embodied in the False Self. We did not cause these patterns, but it is our choice & option to correct them, a little at a time.

• Looking at Plutchik’s “Emotion Wheel” – we see that anger & fear are opposites – so:
— if we are only aware of or act from being anxious, depressed, feeling like a victim – we’re hiding intense anger we’re afraid to admit to
— if we are in a continual state of anger, rage, resentment & hostility – we are denying feelings of sadness, vulnerability, hopelessness & fear

NOTE: Some things in the list will seem counter-opposite, but can in fact be different sides of the same person, like – act Superior on the outside, feel Inferior on the inside, calm on the surface, but roiling inside…..
ALSO – you don’t need to identify with everything to say you’re hiding rage, & as stated above, some of these things can be caused by sources other that repressed Es (medication, temporary intense stressors, a major illness….).
See —- upcoming — statements which signal indirect anger

How CO-DEPENDENTS behave
Behaviors
• anticipate needs of others & supply them before being asked
• do much more than you’ve been asked
• ‘love-buy’ – overspend on gifts, tips, treats
• overly-kind (one of the subtlest forms of anger – think of Dexter, TV‘s good-guy serial murderer bringing donuts to work)
• overly responsible at work, trouble delegating
• put yourself at risk rather than refuse someone’s request
• rarely buy anything for yourself
• women often financially support their spouse
screen-shot-2017-02-24-at-11-41-20-pm

 Communication
• agree with everything others say, or just smile
• complain to everyone about your relationship dissatisfaction except to the one involved
• laugh at jokes that are not funny or you’ve heard many times
• listen endlessly to other people’s problems & complaints, who never do anything to improve their life
• mistake honest, respectful dialogue for malicious confrontation
• only hint, obliquely, at what you want or don’t like
• patronize (as in the Southern phrase “Bless your heart!”)
• repress, deny, ignore true thoughts & emotions (dishonesty)
• won’t speak up against disrespect or abuse (Bystander)

Relationships
• cause many ‘little problems’ that irritate your partner, & then seem surprised
• don’t say what you want, like, need…. but expect others to mind-read
• don’t go places or do things if your mate isn’t available or interested – then sulk, complain, cold-shopeople-pleaseulder
• imagine worst-case scenarios even when things are going well
• go to any length to not rock the emotional boat
• keep attracting partners that are overtly angry, P-As & narcissist, so you can keep being secretly angry – at them
• keep bringing up old complaints with children or mates
• keep recycling old ways of dealing with complicated situations, without looking for better alternatives / options
• pick & stay with addicts, so you can fix them (control)
• refuse to leave harmful or ‘dead’ relationships, & make the other person responsible for ending it
• re. sex – women – refuse to ask for what you want/like, never initiate, undermine mate’s sense of adequacy & skill, refuse to respond, lack of desireat risk
• take a partner ‘hostage’ by needing them so much you can’t live without them, make them your whole world
• terrified of being dominated, & weakly try not to be, but  unconsciously act dependent, indecisive, unsure, non-assertive, with weak or no boundaries
• withdraw from anyone you like, if it will prevent conflict – without explanation

NEXT: Co-Dep behavior #1

SYMPTOMS of Co-dep ANGER – in us

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

I DIDN’T REALIZE
the damage I’ve caused myself

PREVIOUS: Issues for Secretly-A.

SITE: ‘”Shame & Anger in Chronic Shyness”

See ACRONYM page fr abbrev.


NOTE :
• All of the characteristics listed below are most likely combined with anxiety, fear, depression &/or with a mental or physical illness, menopause, genetic inheritance ….. which can be checked out medically

• If you identify with many of the behaviors & attitudes in this post & the next (‘toward others’), they’re likely to be :
— copies of what we heard & saw growing up, since we carry an Introject in the form of the Bad Parent voice, which we use against ourself and on others
— the defensive ways we developed to cope with childhood stress

• These now express our self-hate, fear of abandonment, hidden suicidal wishes, how we placate people we’re afraid of, & try to get approval from people we’re afraid of loosing

PHYSICAL Symptoms (of co-dep anger)
CHRONIC Complaints & Ailments, including hereditary weakness which gets activated from long-term stress & rage-suppression
♜ Addictions – any type of substance or activity over-use, food sensitivity….
♜ Illnesses – real, chronic or sequential = heart problems, obesity, ulcers, constipation, headaches, back & joint stiffness or pain, frequent colds, auto-immune diseases, asthma, knot in the stomach or tightness in the throat

♜ Lethargy – trouble staying asleep, over-sleeping, drowsy at inappropriate times, always tired, feel ‘heavy’, hold body stiffly, frequent sighing, brain fog
♜ Neglect – avoid self-care & appropriate medical attention, get burnt out from over-doing for others,  can’t rest or vegg out

♜ Systemic – muscle tension, poor memory, often distracted, loss of appetite or gorging on sweets
♜ Self-Harm – nail-biting, chewing inside of mouth, picking at skin, pulling out hair, head banging, cutting, often bumping into things
«

EMOTIONAL Symptoms
➤ Anxiety – panic attacks, excessive irritability, impatience, can feel sad, scared, hurt – but rarely angry, other emotions more intense from pushing down anger, obsessive worry, fear of being alone but also of being dependent (“I hate you, Don’t leave me.“- Dr. J.J.Kreisman and Hal Straus)

➤ Depression – (for no immediate or visible reason) low-grade but constant, boredom, loss of interest in things once enjoyed. Sulk, withdraw, pout, threaten or try suicide.  Exhaustion, burn-out from suppressing Es

➤ Inappropriate Affect –  Mood swings, smiling while hurting or feeling angry, laughing when telling about your abuse & neglect. Too calm – not angry but also not joyful, can have an explosive reaction that’s out of proportion. Altho’ very rare it scares others.  Are always nice to people who regularly hurt you

➤ Low self-esteem – trouble accepting yourself and others, blame self for harm that other do to you, feel unworthy of anything good, mentally beat self up all the time (rage turned inward)

➤ Superiority – feel ‘spiritual’, in control, better than – for never being angry, self-sacrificing martyr, the ‘good one’, control freak, know-it-all, everyone’s friend, helper, rescuer, center of attention

ATTITUDE Symptoms
insecure /anxious• act out self-sabotage & have a deprivation mentality
• afraid of competition & being seen as less than ‘perfect’
• are over-sensitive to criticism & afraid of any rejection
• feel misunderstood, invisible or unappreciated
• keep a stiff upper lip, act as if you don’t need support
• lack of ambition or motivation (can be depression)
• let others infringe on your rights & take advantage, but then complain bitterly
• often complain about, envy & resent those more fortunate
• pretend something doesn’t matter when inside it does

COMMUNICATION Symptoms
• constantly apologize, over-polite, over-helpful, over-disclosing
• gossipy, two-faced, patronizing, sarcastic, complaining, flippant
• have weak or no boundaries, afraid to say NO, both to abuse & to things you simply don’t like or want
• over-controlled/ monotone voice, or too loud & sharp, vague
• resist or have trouble talking about yourself, talk about issues/interests rather than personal thoughts & emotions

Our BEHAVIORAL Symptoms
• busy all the time to avoid emotions, minding everyone else’s business, rush from one thing to the next – OR –
• procrastinating – both for tasks imposed by others,  AND things we say we want to do for ourselves, OR
• habitual lateness, unreliable, unpredictable, don’t keep your word
• financially lazy or irresponsible – under-earn, don’t focus on own talents
• visibly ambivalent, indecisive, start in one direction & then shift into another without finishing the first
• won’t plan for your financial future, worry @ $$ but hope for ‘magic fixes’

NEXT: Symptoms – hidden anger toward others

INTERNAL HIGH COST of Angry-niceness (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


I TRY & TRY, BUT
never seem to get anywhere

PREVIOUS: Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)

SITE: Factors leading to Co-dep

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


INTERNAL High COST of angry-niceness (cont.)

always outside

✔︎ On the Outside – for all our effort, you still have your nose pressed up against the window – looking in! You’re still lonely, whether isolating or filling your social calendar to overflowing. When you relate to other from the facade of being OK but are really not, no one can truly get to know you

✔︎ Regretful – getting lost in the ‘Wudda-shudda-cudda” forest of self-recrimination & hopelessness, yet another way to prevent yourself from making healthy changes to improve your life – from now on

✔︎ Resentful – you don’t like this about yourself, but you’re filled with resentments. It’s the rage about what you didn’t get as a kid, & the rage NOW at not getting what you silently expect/demand from others. They’re supposed to read your mind so you don’t have to ask. And, why don’t they appreciate & reciprocate all you’ve been doing for them??  ”Why does ___ keep ignoring me? Why hasn’t she/he texted back? What did they mean by that remark??”…..

✔︎ Risk-Averse – being so dependent on others to feel OK keeps you from testing yourself to see what you’re actually capable of OR –
You can take risks in some parts of your life, proving you can do it, yet convinced you can’t try out new ways of doing or thinking – in another area, especially if it’s secretly very important to you

✔︎ Self-Sabotaging – making sure your goals & dreams never come true, staying in jobs & relationships you hate but can’t seem to extricate yourself, refusing to use the options that would help you move on

✔︎ Sleepless (in Seattle??) – tossing & turning, worrying about what you have to do in the morning & the rest of the day – every day, about how you’re going to manage the ‘conversation’ you’re dreading (with the boss, a subordinate, a family member….), obsessing about an ‘incident’ yesterday by text or email because someone was mad at you….. NEVER ever really relaxed

✔︎ Suffering – stubbornly cling to your self-hate to (unconsciously) prove your deep loyalty to the family, so :
—  you pick people who are unhealthy, making yourself vulnerable to the same kind of neglect & abuse you got growing up, & sometimes even worse
— all the stress of suppressing your emotions + cruel self-talk + unhappy relationships = physical ailments, chronic & long-lasting or life-thretening

✔︎ Terrified – all the time, even if you don’t realize that’s why you’re breathing is so shallow. Scared to make a mistake or of not knowing something, of doing anything that will cause ‘them’ to leave you, or fire you, of taking a stand, of admitting your deepest emotions & sharing your pain, of honestly admitting your family’s abuse & neglect, or your own shortcomings….

✔︎ Trapped – with all the crazy, toxic people you’ve accumulated (& family you cling to), unwilling to extricate yourself because you don’t really want to see  how awful they are & how much they’re harming you, and you can’t bear the idea of ‘hurting’ them any more than they already are. BUT it’s OK to let yourself be terribly injured by them???

✔︎ Uncomfortable – in your skin, when crying, being noticed in a group, with gifts or rewards, taking in praise & compliments, all the validation you say you crave

✔︎ Waiting – never having been allowed to know who you really are has insured that you can’t motivate yourself. You wait for any outside force to push you in some direction, never being sure if it’s what you want. If there’s no deadline or needy person – if it’s just you – you’re stalled!

✔︎ Wishy-washy – trouble making decisions, trouble being firm with others, sticking to your point of view: “What if it’s the wrong one? // What if they won’t like what I say? // I want o see what they’re going to do first // I’m not sure what they want me to be/see/feel… // I can’t figure out what to wear to that event, who should I be, how am I supposed to act?I don’t know what to feel about this”….

NEXT: Co-dep EXTERNAL negatives – in us #1