coaching

PURPOSE of Emotions : PROtection

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: Awareness #2

Article: “The World of Feelings & Emotions”

 

2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS (cont)
b. For Self-Awareness

c. PROTECTION from HARM
• BODY – i. Painful Es like depression, hostility, rage, anxiety, worry… have been linked in many studies to heart disease & other physical illnesses such as diabetes, as well as to hospital deaths caused by stroke

ii. Pleasurable Es: A first-time study of ‘positive’ emotions linked to illness concluded that people who are usually happy, enthusiastic & content are less likely to develop heart disease. This was done in Nova Scotia (1995), with 1,700 people who were followed for 10 years.
Dr Davidson noted that the chronically unhappy people had a 22% higher risk of heart attack. Even those with some positive Es we less at risk, & the safest were the overall happy people, even though they sometimes got depressed as well

• MIND – Es give us information about what’s going on around us. We subliminally pick up signals about situations that will produce an emotional reaction, but we can’t always tell what set off our ‘Spidey Tingle’.
We might say: “Something doesn’t feel right about this” or “I had a feeling something was going to happen, & it did” – thoughts based on
physical clues below conscious threshold. PAY ATTENTION!

We need to honor the gift of our intuition & Es – but it’s OK to double check with others. It’s also useful to keep a dated written log every time we’re right – and when we’re not – noting what we think may have made the difference between what we imagined & what actually occurred.  These notes give us much-needed self-mirroring & validation of reality

• ACoAs have a great need for safety – even above love. Not allowed to ‘hear’ our gut feelings as kids, as adults we’re still deeply fearful, automatically projecting our dangerous family onto everyone we encounter or deal with.
Cleaning out back-logged pain opens up the space to identify what’s really going on in the present. That lets us find better ways to respond to “situations that used to baffle us” (AA Big Book Promises), finally creating a truer sense of safety.

• Just because an Emotion hurts does NOT mean it should be avoided!
Unpleasant Es such as fear, anger, jealousy or disgust prepare us mentally & physically to take immediate action against an object or situation that poses a threat. EXP:
painful EsANGER has a lot of energy to protect & preserve life – by mobilizing us, inspiring determination & creative action.
💨 Without it we don’t object to someone regularly mistreating us, so we stay & take it, wearsing down our health & our soul

FEAR is deeply rooted in all humans, supporting life by signaling danger to trigger life-preserving action
🧊 Without it we don’t notice an unsafe person, staying with them & easily becoming emotionally scarred, if not also hit, raped, wounded or killed

SADNESS is a call to slow down, stop thinking, & surrender to what we’re feeling. It suggests that we trust ourself & ‘the process’ enough to open up & be vulnerable, in order to recover from losses
😢 Without it we don’t know that we’ve missed a connection to someone or something that could have been a positive influence

Setting Boundaries (not defensive walls) is imperative to protect our physical & mental health.
To develop appropriate Bs we must have internal permission to all our needs. This requires some self-esteem – by Loving the Inner Child via the Good Parent we have access to a range of Es, which give us cues to:clarity
• who’s too close or too far away for our comfort (to feel suffocated or too lonely)
• who or what gives us the ‘icks’ in our gut when something is abusive, or ‘off‘
• what feels right for us & from whom (touch, talking, info…)
• what feels good, makes us happy, brings joy….

External Bs help define us in relation to everyone else, while also needed as physical & psychic protection. When another person’s behavior causes us harm, our emotions alert us – it we’re paying attention. Once we trust our Es & thoroughly believe it’s ok to speak up for ourself, we can let others know what’s acceptable & what’s not.  Bs can help us choose who we want to spend time with, have sex with, work with, marry …..

Internal Bs are just as important.
🔸 They help keep the PP (Negative Introject) voice from battering us into over-working, perfectionism, S-H…..
🔸 Bs are also needed to prevent the WIC from running the show all by itself, by building the ‘Unit’.
🔸Bs allow us to step back from the force of our damage, actually putting the Child & PP voices outside of ourself – ie. detaching with compassion.  This makes it possible to cope with emotional stressors that come from these 2 ego states by putting their intensity & distortions in perspective.

NEXT: PREdicting Behavior

PURPOSE of Emotions : Awareness (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

EMOTIONS GIVE IMPORTANT INFO
– how I feel & respond to the world

PREVIOUS: Communication #2

Review post : “Getting to our Es – Over”

SEE Acronyms Page for abbrev.

1. SOCIAL NEEDS

2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS
a. To Feel ALIVE
The over-all purpose of Emotions (Es) is to experience & get the most out of life.
They are spontaneous responses to everything inside & outside of ourself. They’re what make us feel alive – both the thrills & chills – telling us who we are BY how we feel about our experiences. The more an event or person means to us, the more intense our emotional response to them.

“NORMAL”:  A healthy, integrated life includes having access to a full range of Es. They are meant to surface temporarily & then pass thru us, so we can feel other ones as we go thru our daily routine. When an emotion is experienced to the fullest & allowed to run its course, it dissolves like smoke but remembered with a smile – even if it was unpleasant !

positive psych• Positive Psychology tells us that psychological satisfaction & well-being come from participating in activities that boost pleasant Es, which then allow us to discover & use our character strengths & virtues.
It offers 4 broad pathways that can enhance these Es, in order to experience happiness more often – PATH OF : joy & pleasure, love & relationships, peace & tranquility, hope & resilience

DAMAGE: Without Es we would be like robots (“Computer Role”). Anyone who is physically healthy but emotionally cut off has trouble identifying with other people’s feelings, & so can do a lot of harm – usually unaware.
If someone’s damage is not too severe (like NPDs & psychopaths are) their emotional numbness can be modified, if they’re willing to do the ‘thawing out’ work.(Secretly angry ‘nice’ people)

A medical parallel can be made with autistic people, who have a disability in recognizing facial & body cues. (“The Body & Es, Part 2”) This limits their capacity to identify Es in others & therefore hard to make ‘normal’ emotional attachments & social connections.
However, autistic people do have feelings, & if taught early in life to identify physical cues, they can lead more satisfying lives, & others will be more comfortable around them.

b. For SELF-AWARENESS
The “Self-Perception Theory” & “Cognitive Appraisal Theories of Emotion” suggest that we figure out how we feel about things, by staying awake & observing ourselves. This allows us to access Inner Guidance, using Es as indicators of what’s good & bad for us, & therefore what our needs are

But each person differs in the amount of the ‘things’ that suit us, so that some people require more sleep, stimulation, space, quiet…. than others. One person may need freedom & independence while another security & continual social connections. Some may have a need to ‘understand’ life & satisfy a great curiosity, while others are content to accept whatever they’ve been taught (EXP :  “The 5 Love Languages“)

Es also alert us when any natural, normal need is not being met. They are a signal for us to pay attention & deal with the lack – hopefully by doing something appropriate & empowering. So, when we feel:
• lonely – we’re not connected (enough) with others
• afraid – we don’t feel safe, for self or loved ones
• rejected – we aren’t being accepted, respected, valued….

REALISTICALLY, we would’t fare well in life without any Es
– How long could we physically survive if we never felt fear?
– Why would we want to apologize for hurting someone if guilt was not available?
– How could we miss the company of others if we couldn’t feel loneliness?
– Why would we want to help someone in dire need, without empathy?3 Es

ACoAs grew up in environments where our Es were constantly minimized, invalidated & punished, making is very hard to get our legitimate human needs & distresses taken seriously.
It taught us to not trust our feelings, nor believe in the right to have needs, even though they never go away – until met. (EXP: You’ll feel hungry until you eat, be tired until you sleep, scared until comforted…)

🔸In reaction, some of us increased the intensity of our Es & how we express them (dramatically, which is not crazy), desperately trying to be heard.
🔹Others decreased the strength & expression of most or all Es (withdrawn & invisible), making it hard to be seen & appreciated, leaving us even more emotionally ‘starved’!

NEXT: Awareness #2

PURPOSE of Emotions: COMMUNICATION (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

IT’S GOOD TO SHARE MY FEELINGS –
it keeps me connected

PREVIOUS: Purpose – COMMUNICATION, #1

 

1. SOCIAL NEEDS (cont)
a. BASICS
b. HOW & WHEN

c. EMOTIONS affect COMMUNICATION
• FACTS are a type of communication ‘channel’ for presenting ideas, plans & goal. Info stated clearly ensures that we’ll be correctly understood.
But communication also has an EMOTIONAL channel.  Es change people’s outlook on facts, so someone who’s sad tends to see problems as risks in the world, while a happy person mainly sees opportunities & potential rewards

• We signal our Es via verbal & nonverbal language (“Emotions & the Body”posts). When there’s a difference between the 2, observers usually respond to the nonverbal portion. Es help us communicate with others:
∇ We can talk about a painful experience in a calm, rational ways – but show distress on our face or with body language – & we’ll get a response to the visual cues first
∇ If we look sad or hurt, someone may think we’re signaling for help, & an angry face will tend to keep others away.having an effect

Why we don’t Communicate Es:
Protecting Others: afraid we could hurt or upset someone
Social Expectations: which shape how we feel & express them
Social or Professional Roles: If it’s not appropriate, based on our role or position
Vulnerability: not wanting to give others info that could affect how they see us

• Being social creatures, clear expressions of emotion have an automatic effect on others, & healthy people are interested in the emotional state of those they care about.

When deeply into a certain mood, elated or depressed, others will be able to picked that up rather quickly.
Talking to someone who’s depressed can make us feel depressed too. When talking to someone who’s happy & confident we might notice that we feel good about ourself as well – but both are short-term

This inter-active response is especially obvious when someone famous & charismatic comes in to a room – everyone’s drawn to their emotional energy, even before the person says anything.
It’s also why we feel scared watching horror movies, seeing actors portraying fear through gestures & facial expressions

d. COMMUNICATION affects EMOTIONS
Every communication has an emotional context & sub-context, which can be used to create emotional responses in others.  News media, powerful speakers & successful advertisers embed key emotional phrases in their presentations, knowing it’s an effective way to manipulate their audience.

😗 But we also consciously let ourselves be moved by things we know are untrue – seen by how avidly we gobble up all kinds of fantasy media, because of the emotional impact it has on us. The best works of fiction not only communicate interesting ideas but also pull at our heart-strings

Communication is always wrapped in some Emotion :
• If you talk about your extensive accomplishments in a dull, flat voice, the audience will loose interest and not take you seriously
OR they may get worried, wondering what’s wrong with you, since you should be expressing joy, excitement & pride – not disinterest
• Conversely, an enthusiastic salesman can spin such a clever pack of lies that we end up longing for (& buying) their worthless products (as in late-night infomercials)!

The Right kind of communication has a direct & powerful effect
i. With ourselves
• dialoguing with the WIC in a loving way will often bring calmness
• writing in a journal can organizing our thoughts & get us in touch with hidden Es
• picture having a positive conversation with someone – to solve a dispute, apologize for a difficulty, to add something we forgot or neglected to say earlier….

ii. With Others
• when we’re troubled, talking to a sympathetic person who gets us can change our mood rather quickly – even when they don’t have much to say
• a nonverbal expressions of caring – a reassuring touch, a hug, holding hands – can make us feel so much better
• when sharing an important experience we may unexpectedly get choked up, adding weight to the topic
• expressing joyful Es to others can make them feel even deeper

NEXT: Purpose of Es – Awareness, #1

PURPOSE of Emotions: SURVIVAL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

WE HAVE EMOTIONS FOR GOOD REASONS
– so now I welcome & work with them!

PREVIOUS: Repressing Emotions #2

Review post : “Getting to our Es – Under”

PURPOSE
✥ Do you know what to say when you hear someone insist that emotions are a waste of time, unreliable, too much trouble? The next several posts will give important reasons – biological, personal & social – why we have them!

SOCIAL NEEDS
1. For SURVIVAL
• That’s the evolutionists’ answer. According to their theory, animals are aggressive & self-conscious (compared to rivers, mountains, plants….which have also survived) & humans are the most self-conscious, making us increasingly invested & crafty in our efforts to endure.
Over time we developed a wide range of Es & a complex rational thinking system, which allowed us to imagine our own past & future selves, giving us preeminence over fauna & flora. ‘”If you want to create a system that works hard to survive, make it be conscious and emotional. It will want to keep itself around!’”Es for survival

• Researchers believe that Emotion, rather than logic, is the driving force in the human brain. Studies show that Es are responsible for neural integration – linking various brain functions (talking to each other) by tying together physical, cognitive, sensory & social processes, keeping us sane, healthy & functioning effectively

• Robert Plutchik, of the Emotion Wheel, wrote that the purpose of emotions is to form behavioral interactions between a person & a stimulus – event, thing or another person – so that when Es are acted on (correctly, of course) it brings the person back to a state of equilibrium — feeling ok / safe
EXP: You’re in the woods & see a bear loping towards you. You’re very afraid. The fear makes you run away, so the emotion served to produce an action that saves your life. You’re then returned to a calm state (eventually).

2. For CONNECTION
• Humans are fundamentally social animals, needing to rely on each other for survival. So we not only have personal feelings, but also social Es deeply embedded in our nature for connection.  Es motivate & organize individual behavior & social interactions, as well as facilitate communication.  Social needs include acceptance, prestige & access to certain people, events or resources, & provide a mirror for our feelings, attitudes & realitybelonging

• Belonging to a group or community gives us a sense of identity.
Researchers found that people are happier when they’re with others rather than too much alone – & the “boost” is the same for Introverts & Extroverts (only the quantity & time amount differs).

✶ Loving relationships are important to our well-being & happiness because they’re comforting. It creates the psychological space & safety to explore & learn, which builds inner resources for those inevitable times of difficulty.
AND the positive effects are long-lasting. Strong emotional support also reduces immune system abnormalities that contribute to various stress-related disorders.

EXP: The success of the many 12-step Programs (AA, GA, OA / Al-anon, Gamanon, Oanon….). The Al-Anon closing says: “The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you.”

Emotions that serve social functions:
social Es• Guilt (not the ACoA type) is legitimate when we’ve done something inappropriate or hurtful, that motivates us to make amends (AA’s 8th & 9th Step)
• Responsibility (not co-dependence) to keep us from harming others, or to help where needed….
• Altruism, going beyond passively ‘behaving’ oneself to not cause social problems, but rather to actively participate in groups & organizations that provide relief for the needy & suffering

3. For UNITY
• Because Emotions are universal, the ‘positive’ ones may help overcome prejudice & divisions. Tragically, even fatally, many cultural, religious & political beliefs separate us. But Es – such as empathy, cooperation, forgiveness & heroism – can help.
Unifying Emotions:
fun singing• Caring: listening to concerns of others helps them feel understood & valued
• Faith: a Spiritual belief providing wise rules (of right & wrong) can connect us to like-mined people
• Music (& other art forms) emotionally link artists & a wide public
• Laughter: a universal language that makes people feel good
• Love: fostering acceptance, compassion, education, responsibility, understanding, & spiritual growth.

NEXT: For Communication, #1

REPRESSING Emotions (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

repress EsI HAD to SHUT OFF MY EMOTIONS –
so I wouldn’t go crazy!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions #4

SITE: “I Don’t Want to Talk About it: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression.” by Terrance Real

Resistance to FEELING Emotions (Es)
• The source of personal power is Self-esteem – fueled & sustained by the emotion of unconditional Love – which allows us to feel Pease & Joy. But when we had to shut down our feelings because the pain was too much to handle, we also shut down the pleasurable ones!

Resistance to experiencing our emotions stifles the natural flow of life built into every human being. So it takes a lot of psychic effort to push down Es & keep them down – leaving very little energy left over to function, causing long-term Depression.
This is why ACoAs barely have any reserves to deal with unforeseen events in the present – so much of our effort is used up by our Shadow-storage of unwanted feelings & memories.

Repressed Es get trapped in various part of the physical body & in the layers of the energy body that radiate from our core. Such a backlog can cause holes in our spirit, leaking out vital power, which creates fatigue, vulnerability & low self-confidence!

• Emotions, as such, are never dangerous – only the suppressed ones that have piled up year after year, causing them to fester.
Our body wants to eject emotional poison the same way it does physical toxins. If we don’t allow this to happen they cause PMES damage. In the long run, releasing them voluntarily is best – so we don’t explode all over ourself & others. If we carelessly ‘dump’ our pain on others or act them out in a self-destructive ways, we end up feeling even worse about ourself (more S-H)

The BRAIN: our normal ability to repress emotions comes from 3 general areas : → the mammalian fore-brain, → the reptilian early brain, & → the mid-brain which connects the other two.
To function well we need the capacity to choose how we act on emotions (see posts on T.E.A. & Anxiety). But if our Recovery isn’t far along, sometimes we also need to disconnect, because the panful ones get so intense that our weak self-care gets even worse. SO — bain rooms
• When we want to remember something, we access the information stored in any one of the 3 parts ↑, altho what’s available varies according to which data bank is holding it
• When we want to forget something,, we disconnect the memory links between the fore-brain (thinking) & the other two – creating temporary amnesia (this is normal)

BTW, ACoAs are notorious for having a built-in forgetter as result of trauma, which sadly includes all the good things that happen to us day by day in the present!
The mid-brain, as the go-between, is responsible for keeping it all straight, & does so very well – especially if we live in a ‘civilized’ society.
EXP: Not letting ‘blind rage’ erupt in public prevents getting fired, thrown out & in some cases killed (road rage, gangs…).
Not acting on every sexual impulse will preserve our promise of fidelity to a mate, maintain the family’s integrity, eliminate STDs…..  & potentially prevent getting killed.

Are you emotionally repressed?
Def –  DENIAL is actually : “I don’t know that I don’t know some things about myself, or my family”

• If we wonder what Es we’re denying, there are many ways. We can always start by asking some basic Qs, like the obvious ones :
☞ “What emotions can I name? Which ones do I think I have felt ? (depression, rage, anxiety….?) What am I feeling right now?

From there we can go on to: “What Es am I not expressing?” & then to “If I knew what I was feeling, what might it / they be?”.
☞ If the answer is always the same “I don’t know” – it’s time for outside help (which we can all benefit from anyway), such as 12-Step meetings, therapy, reading, spiritual gatherings, healing groups …..
POST : “Getting to your Es – Over & Under” has a list of tools

NEXT: Repressing Es = Part 2

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

clean out old Es I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY
but first I have to clean out the damage

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions #2

SITE: Help for Emotional Reactivity

 

WHY DO WE HATE having emotions so-o-o much? (cont)
b. OVER-REACTIONS (cont)
🦠 This is not self-indulgence or being manipulative, but rather:
1. Sensitivity = a person’s brain being wired to be intensely affected by  external cues, with nerve endings exposed & raw, causing out of control Es triggered by :
— the threat of or proof that a relationship is about to dissolve
— being told they can’t have something they badly want or are convinced they need
2. Reactivity = having a reactive ‘higher baseline”, 0-20 vs a continual 80 out of 100 – so sadness is experienced as overwhelming despair, anger becomes rage….. and behavior is also intense & doesn’t fit the actual present situation
3. SLOW return to baseline = having a hard time calming down & staying upset longer than someone with a safer upbringing (an emotion fires in the brain for around 12 sec. vs 20% longer)

EXP: You’re in the middle of working on a project & someone keeps trying to control how you’re doing it. You get angrier & angrier**, since you interpret their ‘directions’ as proof you’re not doing it right & so aren’t good enough – not just your work but as a person!
✶ This anger is caused by S-H.

ASK : “What does this reaction tell me about my damage?” – instead of just raging at the other person (in your head) & wanting to smash their face in
Ans: Some deep part still believes I’m so bad that I have to be perfect, to compensate, BUT since I can’t be, I hate you for exposing me, & it means I’ll never be loved!
not me• Yes, we are responsible for our behavior & attitudes.  But we also need to remember that HOW people treat us ALWAYS tells us about them. When their treatment is insensitive or mean it’s coming from their inner PP &/or WIC . Very few have a L.P. even when they have a functioning H.A. in the UNIT)

Their behavior tells us about their inner world, even if we made a mistake. So we don’t have to take responsibility for or try to fix our personality, only our actions – IF appropriate or possible!
In any case – OUR WIC desperately needs a hug & a mental course correction – modifying the CD of Perfectionism. If we do that every time – much of the anger will dissipate, even if the other person is still being a big pain!

CHECKLIST
ACoAs are often CONFUSED, because —
• we combine Es with thoughts/ beliefs, usually Toxic one, because we use the word “feel” to mean both (“Use THINK instead of FEEL“ posts)

• of our conflicting Es: old vs. current, WIC vs Adult, PP vs Adult…
• mix up Es with normal human needs, which we’re deeply ashamed of
• don’t know our RIGHTS or what ‘normal’ is, much less have permission to act on them

1. Which Toxic Rule is in play? (all have turned into self-destructive toxic rules
behavior patterns, also called character defects)
Exp: “If I don’t like it, I have to stay” becomes passivity
2. Which of my WIC’s unmet needs am I re-experiencing?
Exp: Constantly ignored or punished for trying to get attention

3. What am I thinking about this situation?
Exp: “They’re never going to call / write back / I’m unlovable…..”
4. Which of my old buttons is getting activated? — an emotional sore spot from things your family & others consistently did to you &/or to each other – that hurt you  Exp: Being accused wrongly / being shushed

5. Which ego state is likely in charge at the moment (WIC or PP) ?
6. If I’m acting out, which parent am I copying & how?
7. What am I most afraid of in this situation? (FoA, punishment, isolation, not being heard…)
➼ Use the info in other posts to help you answer.

NEXT: ACoAs &  Emotions #4

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-06-29 at 1.32.01 AMI CAN ALWAYS THINK of WHAT to SAY – after they walk away!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions  (#1)

 

REMINDER: What they never told us was that 💗 it’s not intrinsically bad to have Emotions

WHY DO WE HATE having emotions so-o-o much? 
• we expect to be made fun of, ignored or physically punished for expressing them (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”)
• we were taught that Es are unacceptable (either specific ones or all), & we want to be ‘good’, obeying family rules as a sign of loyalty & love

• some ACoAs want to stay connected to a particular parent by copying their resistance or inability to feel
• others are determined to be the exact opposite of a dramatic or emotionally out-of-control parent

• we were never taught healthy ways to identify & deal with Es when they surfaced, so we’re convinced they’ll ‘drown’ us

• Unfortunately our culture reinforces the ‘don’t feel’ rule by telling us that:  — Es are not ‘rational’, so they can’t be relied on to tell us anything real or useful
— it’s not sophisticated, strong or admirable to be ‘emotional’ (to cry or get too upset, no matter how terrible the situation!)

• MOST of ALL – as kids we were never comforted when scared & hurt, & having no way to process our Es, over the years they accumulated in our unconscious, & now we’re terrified of opening ‘Pandora’s Box’

a. DELAYED Reactions
ACoAs are notoriously slow to catch on to how we feel emotionally – having a delayed reaction to all kinds of encounters & events, pleasurable or not. We may not realize them for a few days, weeks, even years! We do have emotions about most things, but we:too many Es
• learned early in life to deny them
• became so numb we don’t consciously know what they are
• have such negative beliefs about actually having Es
• are afraid to feel too much, because the WIC thinks it’ll kill us (or the ‘sensitive one in the family)
• never learned how to deal with uncomfortable or unacceptable Es

b. OVER / UNDER -Reactions
ACoAs IRONY: On the one hand we’re shut down, especially on those terrifying childhood Es. On the other hand we have intense emotional reactions (a melt down, blow up, fall apart, get suicidal…), to what people say or how they act to or around us.

These 2 extremes are inextricably linked:
• the more we have to sit on ALL painful Es, the more they get backed up & then Vesuvius blows
• since we’re not allowed to actually have Es, we can’t admit to having them (too ashamed), so we can’t really feel them. Then HOW can we possibly process the pain, anger, sadness, loneliness, terror….? to get them out, sharing them, get comfort & understanding???

REVIEW:
 We hate being told we’re being too dramatic about something others think is minor or trivial, because we think that means:
• we don’t have a right to be upset
• we caused our own problem, & so deserve to be punished, belittled, not respected
• that the hurtful person or situation is being let off the hook,  so we’ll never get fairness or revenge!
NONE of those are the case.  Since “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”, whenever our Es are out of proportion to an unpleasant current event, all we need to do is admit an unhealed wound is being triggered.

About Over-reacting (cont):
• Intense Es comes from the WIC, who thinks we’re still powerless to stop being controlled & abused
• Getting so upset by other people’s words & deeds means we’re still taking things personally

• It’s a clear indicator that a specific button is being pushed in us. This is useful info to cut thru denial & help with growth.
🙀 Intense emotions are the only proof we need about the abuse.
Knowing this – we can use the awareness to validate the kid’s pain, as we get another glimpse into past suffering, & stop blaming ourself for feeling loneliness & grief.

NEXT: ACoAs & Es (Part 3)

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

acoa EsI DON’T WANT to FEEL ANYTHING – & you can’t make me!

PREVIOUS : EmotionIdentifying  (#2) Parrott’s Emotions List

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REVIEW: The Body & Emotions & Identifying Emotions

 

Those DREADED Emotions (Es) !
• ACoAs definitely believe all emotions are a bad thing. When asked what’s going on with us, or how we’re feeling, ACoAs usually fail to mention Es. We’ll talk around them, over & under, but never hit the bulls-eye.  We’re terrified of them like mice are afraid of cats.  We treat our Es as if they were a wild beast inside that has to be locked away in a deep dark dungeon.

• Then we wonder why we can’t get out of bed, always feel like the outsider, feel so alone, don’t get along with others, have panic attacks….. ⭐︎ Emotions that are ignored have sneaky ways of showing up in disguise. BUT those ways (listed throughout this blog) are the symptoms that provide vital information we can use to reverse-engineer events that distress us. Then we can make the necessary corrections

• Without enough healing, ACoAs are clearly not happy campers, having lived with depression most of their life – even if we don’t show it on the outside.  It’s not surprising, since our dysfunctional families indicated in thousands of direct & indirect ways that we should never object to being hurt by them, and then not express any pain from their abuse & neglect! (“Stop your whimpering. You’re such a baby. You’re just too sensitive!”). They didn’t give us much to be happy about, but they also didn’t want us to hold them accountable. So we learned: “DON’T FEEL”!healthy combo

➼ IMP: What they never told us was that 💗 it’s not intrinsically bad to have Emotions but were simply unacceptable to them, because:
• they didn’t experience love & nurturing, so could not give it to us
• they had no clue how to cope with their own problems, much less be there for us. The responsibility of parenting terrified them
AND
• if one or more parent had chronic mental or physical illness, or who were overly dramatic themselves, there was clearly no room for our needs or feelings
• never having dealt with their wounded Es as adults, they shoved them under the carpet & demanded we do the same.
🥺 An infant’s first ‘language’ is that of intense emotions. Only after that do they learn to use words! This combination would be a constant irritant to parents who already felt too much OR didn’t want to feel at all – our emotions & needs acting like sandpaper. They had to shut us up!
AND
• our needs as children enraged them because they wanted all the attention for themselves
• some parent & teachers delighted in hurting & humiliating us, & had no intention of giving us comfort or validation (did you catch one of them smirking when you cried?)
✶ One tender soul remembers her mother, the heartless narcissist, saying with a sneer: “I’m so glad I’m not sensitive like you & your father!”

muted EsAs a result:  
• many ACoAs have a limited range of Es they’re aware of – like only able to play 3 or 4 notes on a full piano keyboard – such as anger & disdain, fear & guilt, loneliness & desperation…. even tho’ there are many more available on both scales
• some have so many feelings that we can hardly breathe, acting them out all over the place or hiding under the covers as much as possible, always in ‘suffering mode’, which makes us wish we were like the other ones – numb (or dead)

• others of us have intense Es without consciously knowing it OR being able to identify them by name – not associating certain physical sensations with actual emotions, but tending to be cranky & exhausted.

NEXT: ACoAs & Emotions (Part 2)

IDENTIFYING Emotions (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

 

EENY MEENY MYNIE MOE – catch a feeling by it’s show!

PREVIOUS: Identifying Es (#1) – Plutchik’s Emotion Wheel

SEE post: Getting to our Emotions – OVER

 

This CHART, by W. G. Parrott, is another way of grouping emotions – a general guide you can agree with in whole, in part or not at all. The more Es you can identify in yourself & others, the better. One reason I’ve added it is that it includes the Es of Shame & Guilt, which Plutchik does not.
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NEXT : ACoAs & Emotions, #1

IDENTIFYING Emotions (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

emotions-poster-I HAVE TOO MANY FEELINGS –
I just can’t handle them

PREVIOUS: The Body & Emotions – #4

REVIEW: “Getting to our Emotions – Under”

 

CATEGORIES
Many psychologists & sociologists have created their own Primary Emotions list (90 so far), some of which are seen on the Changing Minds & Alley Dog sites.
One THEORY of Emotions
A variety of concepts try to explain the source of Emotions (Es), put forth by psychologists, sociologists, philosophers & scientist.
EXP: The James-Lange theory argues that an ‘event’ first causes physical arousal (body), which we then interpret (mind). Only after the interpretation do we experience emotions (body) related to the event.  However, if the physical ‘symptoms’ are not noticed or not given any thought about a specific event, then we don’t experience emotions

Here are some ways to think about this theory:
Expl: You’re walking down a dark alley late at night. You hear footsteps behind you. You start to shake, your heart beats faster & your breathing deepens. As you notice these body changes & decide this is telling you you’re in danger – then you feel fear

BUT: Those same physical symptoms can also occur when you met your exciting new lover – & your interpretation (what you’re thinking) is that this is a very good thing – so you feel the emotions of excitement, joy & sexual desire!

No Reaction: If you just found out that you lost out on a job opportunity you interviewed for but weren’t crazy about getting – you don’t have a physical response & don’t give it a second thought – so you’re not upsetBIG Es

Suppressed Reaction: You’re having a very busy day, running around without a moment to think.  You pass by a major car accident on the street, with people screaming & bodies everywhere.  You don’t stop – you’re mind is on the next task & how late you are, so you’re too preoccupied to feel anything about the event you just saw

However – you did register fear, sorrow, revulsion…. at some physical level you weren’t aware of – so maybe late that nite you have a nightmare, or the next day you’re sluggish & cranky but don’t know why!

EMOTION WHEELs
Below is Robert Plutchik’s well-know chart, a 3-D model using the color spectrum to indicate adjacent & opposite Es, (Fear opposite Anger, Sadness between Surprise & Disgust …..) The vertical dimension represents intensity & the circles are degrees of similarity.

1. Fundamental – inner circle shows the most basic Es. They are the intensity of an infant’s feelings, whose brain pathways are not yet developed enough to experience a variety of emotional nuances
2. Secondary – each row out from there are milder versions of the core
3. Tertiary – in the white spaces, each E. is made up of the 2 adjacent secondary Es (Trust + Fear = Submission; Anticipation + Anger = Aggressiveness ….)

2nd CHART indicates triads – emotions formed by combining 3 primary emotions, leading to 24 dyads & 32 triads (MORE….— also several other theories of Es)

EXP: Fear opposite Anger in extremes
• Think of some people who always seem angry. They’re using that emotion to feel powerful while covering up how scared they are, unwilling to be vulnerable (they wouldn’t be if they had a strong identity, good boundaries & healthy self-esteem!).  They believe that feeling fear is a weakness & will do anything to avoid it
• Now notice people who usually present themselves as scared, delicate, easily hurt, a victim, isolating….. You can be sure that hidden underground is a lot of suppressed rage which they’ve been taught to deny & are terrified of in themself!

➼ Yes, anger AND fear can also mask sadness, loneliness, shame, guilt, hopelessness….. BUT we can actually see the difference when someone does FoO work & those extremes get evened out. The person is easier to be around since they live less in the painful Es, but can still respond with fear or anger when it’s appropriate, as well as have a wide variety of pleasurable feelings.


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NEXT: Identifying Es #2 : W. G. Parrott’s Emotion List